Mandamon

Thanks as always for the attention to devote to the critiques! It's helped a lot in getting the bugs out! Noted. Do you mean the book title, or the chapter title? Hmm...okay, I don't think I telegraphed this as much as I thought at the end of the last book. Still, glad that it's working here. Yeah, I think you're right. I haven't really gone through with an engineering-grade fine-tooth comb ;-) In part, they're meant to be, showing off that he's caring more about himself that others, but I think you're right that I need to do a little more recap. I've been using 4thewords lately to make sure I push out the words for this first draft. It doesn't copy over italics to Word, so I tend to miss them, which is frustrating... The mystery for this part was supposed to be the chiming sound, but I realized I needed to address the new house, which it why this is disjointed. Very good questions here, which will help out with edits. Good catch. I think the blocking is off here. I can edit. Great response, and something I was hoping to get feedback on. This partially ties in with the memory loss, because it's made him regress, and because I don't want this problem to get "solved" for S, as anxiety doesn't work like that. I can definitely adjust, and I'm also looking forward to what you think of the next section. I think this book will have less POV from S, and more from other characters, so that may help as well... We'll see. Yep, I find myself mentally yelling at him while I'm writing him! He will definitely have some interesting progression in this book, and get pushed out on his own. This is excellent feedback to tell when I've gone too far one way! Thanks as always for the very helpful feedback, @Robinski! I'm about a quarter of the way in the first draft, and just about to get into the bizzaro stuff...should be fun!

I can do another submission on the 15th as well.

I am agree! I just made baklava for our game night tomorrow... By the way, the mince pie from last year was awesome!

Thanks @mrwizard70 and @industrialistDragon! They're described a couple pages in, but I can move it up. That's very purposeful. I've had a lot of people say they're glad to see a main character portrayed with mental illness. It's helped me a lot to understand it because of my research while writing. Absolutely! Lol. This won't be resolved until about 30k words in, but it does come up a lot more. I can add some more attention to it in this chapter, though. Interesting to see your responses coming straight into the second book. Next submission (or two) will be a completely different character and situation, so I'm looking forward to seeing what you think! Yep. I think that's one of my biggest failings with the last one. I've read that people with this sort of mental illness often present as younger, but I think I went a little too far. This book will definitely address that... Yep. That's already earmarked for edits. I could tell this section is too thinky as I wrote it, but wasn't sure which way to correct it. Your comment help! Good catch. I'll do this. I'll bring this out more. Basically he's been hiding out, afraid to tell anyone, so it's not yet apparent to many people.

@shatteredsmooth: Supposed to be middle of next year. Nothing more definite yet...

Well, I think @Robinski and @kais pretty much tagged everything I was going to say, and more. I'll repeat, there are good bones here and solid worlbuilding, but the characters don't stand out for me yet. A couple additions: I've seen absolutely nothing in the text to show this. This may be her character, but right now all I've seen is a girl who's sort of in the background of two men. It would be a great hook to have T showing off her intelligence at the very beginning, or even better, seeing things from her POV. Didn't get this either. This isn't in omni POV. It's in Al's POV. However, if you want to do omni, it's a great chance to show Alex and T's reactions to everything that is said, and give us a much better glimpse into their characters. A true omniscient POV is in everyone's heads, all the time. I'm usually not a fan of it, but in this context, it could go a long way to showing that the characters are racist and sexist, while also showing that you, the author, are not. Might be worth just doing a exercise of a quick three-way conversation between the characters, and try to put in a reaction from the other characters for everything the third person says. It'll be a little much to read, but would probably help you out with capturing that POV. Notes while reading: pg 1: "Genesess" --is this still a gendered term? As in a female Genes? Alex gets a neutral term. To further disassociate this with the original term, it might be good to change it to a neutral term describing the person's race/homeland. pg 1/2: These descriptions still make me think Alex is mid 20's-30's, mainly because of the way he challenges the village elder: "shoulders forward to loom over B. like a bear" "outweighed the old man by at least 30 kilograms" "the hulking bear of a man" pg 4: "Outsiders cause problems, and they offend God. I don’t want to kill you, since killing offends God" --This is pretty abrupt. I get the sense these two have been living in the town a while. Why is the topic of killing suddenly coming up? Has something changed? pg 6: "I always knew you weren’t from around here, but seeing it’s different" --Al answers this, but I'm still not convinced. Alex has seen the horse before. There's not enough change here to make me believe there's enough difference with the horse to suddenly make it seem strange. pg 7: Something about the timeline isn't adding up. When did the soldiers come? There was something about the village resettling 20 years ago, but Alex is only 19. Was there another war in between? pg 8-10: There's a lot of talk about what they will do, here. I'd rather get into the story faster, and see this stuff when it happens. pg 11: Lots of place/people names and they don't have any meaning to me yet. pg 13: tongue lolling out like a dogs. --Er, no. Especially not with the "Genesess" connotation. pg 14: so...they just sort of set off. I don't really see a hook for the story yet. They've been peacefully living in a village, and then the elder decides they're going to be killed?

Thanks @shatteredsmooth and @kais! Glad this is still coming across for a new reader! I think there's some combination of these three statements that can help me get the inciting incident to work correctly. I was pretty sure there was too many "thinky bits" at the beginning, but wasn't sure what to do about it. I'll ponder on restructuring it a bit. I think these are also connected. I don't want to bog down the first chapter too much, but there probably needs to be more explanation. I'll have to check the actual text. I think I hinted at a new house, but didn't come out and say it. Thanks, Shatteredsmooth for the general corrections! Those will be very helpful on the next pass. Still pretty slow on that front. My editor said there are a few projects ahead of mine, so I likely won't hear anything until November. It'll give me time to get words down for most of this book, I hope. I'm already at around 25k--about a quarter of my projected length.

Glad to get to the end of this at last! It's been a fun read, and I look forward to the next, cleaned-up version. I think it has a lot of potential. The flow for this last section is pretty good. it's mainly dotting i's and crossing t's to tie everything up. I did enjoy that the method of success was not with magic, but with the implement for magic--good twist. The Lady showing off as a caster was a little surprising, but I guess also pretty likely. Some hints through the text would help make it "inevitable." Notes while reading: pg 118: "My eyes became wet as I stared down at my parents’ gift to me of ten years past" --Might be WRS, but I don't remember a discussion of the mandolin's past. Even if there was, I think this needs more mentions through the text so we know how important it is and feel the loss. I assume this was an expensive gift, which plays against the family's poverty now. pg 119: "She might just let me go if we bring them back" --She who and them who? Since this is a new chapter, probably need to redefine this. pg 119: "was digging at the end of the bone" --is this a bone from the horse, or still the ones from the tiger? pg 119: “A friend indeed.” --is he? I thought G betrayed them? Or might not have, but in any case, hasn't really proved himself a friend. pg 120: "for horse marrow held the power of empathy, of influence, of instruction." --I'd like a bigger reveal with this section. It's very blase at the moment. pg 121: "lit by lamps that must be sparked by a monkey" --?? I'm imagining monkey lamplighters. I think you mean monkey bones mean you can cast fire? In any case, this detail just pulls me out of the story at this point. pg 122: "Then again, why was I surprised that she had a power anchored in cold?" -Also a big revelation done very subtly, and I'm not sure I understand. Her power is cold-natured by default? I thought the type of bones eaten determined that? pg 122: "was either a graceful smith or an effeminate butcher." --"Effeminate butcher" is just...strange. Can butchers not be female? pg 128: "swing his free arm at her because the light would kill her." --it took me a couple readings to figure out this is the light P is casting (which I still don't completely understand) pg 128: "plunged the sharpened handle" --WRS, or did you establish before that the handle was sharpened? pg 130: hmm...the ending seems very abrupt to me. I either want more time with the family, or a little more indication of what J and C will do, or what their relationship is now. You basically wrap up by stabbing the bad guy, but I'm sure there are ramifications from killing a lord. Is J escaping? Does he have a king's pardon? Why is he going to Hass?

Hello all - after a several month break, I'm back into writing. This will be the sequel to the book I posted most on on here, a little more than a year ago. Some of you will be familiar with it. In any case, I'm looking for any reactions, but especially since this is the opening, foremost if it pulls you in. Anything else is also appreciated, from character reactions, to description needed, to grammar and phrasing. Thanks!

I tentatively, might, be in a position to submit the first section of the new dissolutionverse book. Depends on what I get done this weekend. So this is more a challenge to myself to get this section ready to be seen!

Missed a word: Making their ways of speaking different Definitely. If you've changed all the country names around, no need to keep a name where insults to a culture will drive some readers away. Hmmm...maybe consider the effect of experience, vs. learning things? Someone with experience commanding troops will naturally act older than someone who has never been out of the village.

Awesome! Now I want to know details...I've been following their adventures online this year. Looking forward to more great books!

Ok, this is an interesting beginning, and I'm getting a very Russian, early 20th century vibe. Is this a historical fantasy? Assuming that is correct, the attitude towards Jews is probably period-accurate, but you will probably need a very good sensitivity/targeted reader to know how it comes across. I think the letter at the beginning could also be clearer--I wasn't aware it was a call to war until the characters started discussing it. In all, I'm certainly interested to read further installments. So far this is mostly character and setting interactions, which is great, but I'm also looking for hints of overarching plot, which aren't as clear yet. Specifically to your questions, I thought this was a good character-focused piece. I think I actually got a better sense of Alexander than Alash. Making their ways of speech and how they respond to each other will help flesh them out. Right now, as I said below, they seem to waver in age depending on how they speak. Getting in a reference to Alash's soldier background on the first page might also help out. Notes while reading: pg 1: "It was the further away of the two capitals," --this is a bit awkward and confusing, especially right at the beginning. pg 3: "Ala found Alex standing in the doorway, looking both awed and rather worn for an nineteen year old." --Is Alex only 19? I got the impression he was much older and that Ala was younger, for some reason. pg 4: "Don’t get acting like that now, you were doing so good" --This makes me see Alex as older. His character isn't coming across as consistent to me. Both he and Ala are waffling in their resposes. One moment they seem like older men, and the next like teenagers.

Well, I'm interested! This is a good starting hook, though I'm a sucker for stories about gods. The "god to mortal body" has been done before, but this has potential, if done well. I'll put in the standard warning about prologues, which I'm sure the others will echo. They're out of favor, at the moment. Is there a reason this can't just be chapter 1? (i.e. does the next chapter take place a long time afterward? if not, you could probably make it Ch 1.) Notes while reading: pg 1: "Even V, he spoke out because he would not be true to himself if he didn’t. " --confusing sentence. I'm not sure who Sh. is refering to. Comma usage still has some problems. For Example: “I follow your wisdom S, you have never failed us.” G. looked at him for a long moment, as though really weighing the decision, she was a free thinker. pg 2: Is Sh. the goddess of mercy? I'm not sure from your descriptions. pg 2: "F. didn’t know, but Sh. thought about it often. It was something he would never tell the others." --what is it that is hidden? It's unclear from your wording. pg 2: "Sh. narrowed his eyes sharply." --wait, Sh. is male? I thought female, from the previous descriptions. Or maybe I'm getting confused with someone else's description. I think this needs some clarification. pg 3: "The God of Honor" --ah, this is Sh.'s desgnation. I've been confused up until now. pg 4: "Confrontation didn’t come easily to F. She would much rather provide support and healing." --ok, I think F. and Sh. are the ones I got confused at the beginning.

This was a quick read. I noted a few technical issues as I was reading. Most of my other issues stem from confusion, and it might be due to WRS. Where does the army of magic users come from? From the context, it seems like they're C's people, but I don't think that's right. Are they with the king? Who is the king with? I think we may need some more background earlier in the story. On that note, we finally come to the title (which I've been wondering about the whole time), but it's not resonating with me yet, because we don't know what horse marrow does. If it's something so spectacular as to bring down a wizard with unlimited power, I would think everyone would be using horse marrow. I mean, they're not that hard to breed. Again, I think we need more context about the magic system earlier, as it's becoming the defining moment of this novella. Notes while reading: pg 108: "Ten feet to go, I twisted my head again." --A bit unclear. I think he's looking down from climbing the wall, but it took me a couple reads to get it. pg 108: "taught muscles" -> taut muscles pg 109: "but I decided P's words had only beguiled me for an instant," --Not sure what this means. pg 110: "first brocaded footman who to dart in" --missing word pg 110: "Everyone picked themselves up as Lord P strode onto the terrace with a dozen soldiers around him, not servants and foresters, these were blue coats, the king’s men." --run on sentence. pg 114: "C seemed out of ingots." --what are these ingots?

Lol--definitely!

I may have something in a few weeks, but nothing yet.

Overall, this read well, but I think it could be streamlined a lot. I'm not sure why P disappears and leaves J alone, now that he's been caught, and I don't know why the guards don't engage or do anything by themselves. Again at the end, J and C don't actually engage, they just threaten. I think this whole section could be pumped up more by having additional "yes, but" moments to make things worse for J. Notes while reading: pg 96: Seems a little plot-ful to leave the study without the bones only for J to have to rush back in without supervision. pg 97: "I turned away from the desk and moved back to the corridor. P and his light were gone" --What now? Why would P leave him along at all? There's just a lot of in the room, out the room, and it could be streamlined better. pg 97: "nearest and dearest" --nearest and dearest what? possessions or family? Also, why didn't the guards interrupt him in the study? pg 99: "At the edge of the landing I saw more below me" --if there are that any guards, couldn't they search for C themselves? They could cover a lot more ground instead of following J. pg 100: "met him with a heavy gut punch" --Does tiger marrow no longer make him go nuts? pg 100: "I pulled more marrow, but rejected the rage that came with it," --ah. Got it. I'd like to see J struggle with it more if that's the case. This is only the second time he's used it. pg 101: "bloody tin whistle " --what is this? pg 101: The tiger marrow makes him violent, but this only comes across as J being more confident. He's always able to tamp down the anger. Seems like a missed opportunity for more tension. pg 103: "Once again I pushed the violent rage away" --still want to see more "yes, but" pg 104/105: I think the confrontation here could be more tense. J and C don't actually act against each other, even though they've got heightened powers. pg 106: "I hadn’t lost C; I never had her." --this can be a good revelation with some more support earlier in the story.

Ah, I see. Definitely did not get this while reading.

I glanced over the first chapter. Switching to 3rd POV doesn't make a lot of difference to me while reading, so if it lets you worlduild more, I'd say go for it. I think the second chapter works well. Especially if F ends up joining them, this will be a good intro. I'm not sure it needs to come this early, though, if you want the reader to be sure D is the main character. This goes more for the third chapter. I'd much rather see it from one of the main characters rather than from some stranger. L is also kind of bland. I'd rather see the main characters' reactions. Notes while reading: Pg 7: This seems like an extreme work hazard, especially for medical practitioners. Space-OSHA should check it out! Seriously, though, why is she in the tunnels with medical equipment? If all the other places were built over and disguised, I'd think any necessary hallways would be too. pg 8: F mentions "elderly humans" and "human perfume," so I'm assuming she's not? pg 9: "maybe the beast would only tolerate a certain portions of it’s innards being disguised" --Ah, this explains things better. Maybe move this up to connect with the previous thought? pg 10: "only about 3% of beings" --maybe go with "a small number" rather than a percentage. pg 10: "a sanctuary for retired pirates" --I'd read this novella... pg 10: "combine her knowledge of humanoid bodies" --This is the third mention of the human form being "other," but F is described as having hair, and eyes, and lips, and skin. I'm wondering how alien she is. pg 11: See, now Dr. K is obviously alien, but we haven't seen that from F yet. pg 12: "secretly delivering medications" --secretly? I thought she was on official hospital business? pg 12: This was an interesting chapter, and I feel like F already has more personality than the main characters from before. I was a little confused on why she was delivering medical supplies secretly, and why she was so focused on humans and humanoids. If she's that different, I want some description. pg 15: "The bald person bolted like bunny" xe's bald? I either missed that, or it was never said. (I looked back at the first chapter and xe's described as having a shaved head, which means something different to me than "bald") pg 17 "This is your last chance to come clean" --Not sure who is speaking here. pg 20: hmm...not as excited by the second section. It moves all the action away from the main characters and to side characters that probably won't continue in the story. Just because it's third person, doesn't mean it can't be with the main characters. If these are the first three chapters, it's also going to be confusing to figure out who is supposed to be the main character. I'd at least stick with D's POV for a few chapters.

Well, I have free time while coming back from WorldCon, so you get an early critique! My writeup is below, but specifically to your questions, I had trouble following the clues, and had no idea, really, where the story was going until the end. For a mystery like this, there needs to be a very clear setup at the beginning (a painting is missing; there are three suspect, or something like that), so that the reader knows what puzzle they need to solve. I think this has the core of a good mystery, but the setup is missing much of the information we need to be able to "solve" the mystery along with the detectives. I had no idea there were three suspects until the end, and that would have made things a lot more interesting. There's also a strange tone in this between mystery and 4th wall-breaking comedy, and it doesn't mesh well enough yet. That can be fixed with more editing passes. I also had a big problem with the way the ending was presented, which I detailed at the bottom. Basically, with case notes, we have no emotional investment, so the payoff doesn't work. Definitely potential, just needs some more passes! Pg 1: I'm strugging a bit at the beginning. I'm not sure if this is breaking the fourth wall with the storm, or someone has shown whoever is speaking the storm, or what. Especially for a first paragraph, we need a little smoother introduction. pg 1: "I’ve never seen the fascination with nicknames" --I'm still not sure who's here. There are three people, right? one's the museum director, and another is tall? I think some dialogue tags would help. Also, as a joke, this falls flat because the director explains the joke after the quoted line above. pg 2: "“That … could’ve been wrong a thousand ways.” Arthur sighed." --Who's POV are we in? The art director? Omniscient? pg 2, bottom: Ah, we've finally gotten to the point. I think the reason they're all standing around in the lighting should be right at the beginning. That was the source of a lot of my confusion as to what they were doing. pg 3: "It was a lesser work, but it was the finest." --The finest lesser work? or a lesser work, but the finest of the collection? This doesn't make a lot of sense to me. (edit: clarified in the next paragraph, but could be clearer) pg 3: "Stealing is wrong. Or something." --Is this going for humor again? Because you've just tanked my confidence in the detective, and up until now I thought he was the most experienced one here. pg 4: "It’s a simple matter for an experienced pick-pocket to pinch a pretty pittance..." --This is a big leap in logic. I'm losing confidence in these detectives by the second. pg 4: "“Back to square one.” Arthur sighed." --Ok, I figured out what's bugging me about this. Why is the art director participating in the detectives work? Shouldn't he be showing them the scene of the crime, then getting out of the way so they can work? pg 4: “No janitor, especially one of such a vaunted art museum such as this, would dare forget to clean the glass.” --These detectives are just making wild assumptions now. I have very little confidence they can solve the mystery. It's like they're Sherlock Holmes' inept younger cousins. pg 5: "“This isn’t some complex novel." --I think this is the second swipe at the fourth wall and I am very confused as to the tone of this story. pg 5: "Therefore, the soot must have been placed there.” --again, jumping to conclusions. I don't think Y is a very good investigator. pg 6: "I forgive you, just don’t misspell my name when you pronounce it again.” --The jokes still aren't landing for me, especially the next couple paragraphs after this. pg 8: “Just say who it was.” --Wait--this is the end and it goes to a set of case notes? hmm...the case notes have the same problem as explaining rules to a game. I gloss over it, when this should be the big reveal. By the time I got to who did it, I didn't really care, and was confused by the explanation. This is why Sherlock Holmes has a whole reveal to Watson with questions, and corrects him all the time. If Sherlock just stated how the criminal did things, we'd find it boring.

Well, I just happened to stumble on a panel to submit ideas for Dublin, so I told them our ideas and they wrote them down. Still not guaranteed we'll get in, but hopefully it will help.

@shatteredsmooth if you do want to go, we have some resources to help you plan. for @kais, @Robinski, and @Silk, I've been talking with the other WX alumni here at WorldCon and there's some others who do in-person critiques. One of them was interested in a panel as well. I told him to submit to the form online, and maybe we can set up sister panels with critiquing online vs. in person.

The booth is mainly to raise awareness that the WorldCon is in Ireland. I don't think they're doing any panel planning yet. Sounds good about the one-line bio. Can you do a DM with those of us who are participating so we can send you the bios with more personal information? Also the DM will send me an email so I know when people reply if I'm running around (since yes, I'm across the US from home at the moment).

Sorry for being out of the loop! I (gasp) forgot to check the site for a couple days since there were no submissions. I just talked to the Dublin organizers table but they just directed me back to the site, so not much help there. I love the description you put together, and think that really covers everything. Honestly, at this point, I think they're just looking for ideas, so we should be way ahead of the game with such a thorough description. Has everyone submitted their name to be a panelist yet? If so, I'd just note on the full writeup who we all are and say we've all submitted to be on the program (rather than doing bios). They can cross reference our names. Whoever submits would need to use the names we submitted under, so that's probably a better subject for a DM. I'll keep checking while I'm here and see if I can find anyone who will be an organizer for next year.