Mandamon

This has always been a pretty solid chapter. Some small things I caught below (guilds and worldbuilding, as usual), but generally good pacing and tension. I think the tension here works a lot better with S being younger. Notes while reading: pg 1: "a funny tickle in my lower back" --this is a strange way of putting it. Usually back pain for me is either "that's uncomfortable" or "I'm going to lie down now." pg 2: "P's believe each village has a special spirit that guards their lands" --how does this translate to no doctors? Needs a connecting sentence. Do the spirits not like organized medicine? pg 2: "The week of t is a week of observance." --still don't see how this leads to no doctors. Are they busy observing too? Other people seem to be working. "The only things open are the inns," --ah, this explains it better. I'd expand on this part before this point. pg 3: "You know we’ve no law against them." --ok, my guild alert is going off again. If there's nothing to stop unguilded workers, and I assume they're cheaper, how does that affect the guilds staying profitable? I assume there's probably people in there somewhere with large clubs to enforce guild standards. pg 3: "It’s not like someone is going to invent a machine to cut veneer or spin cotton" --lol pg 4: "I knelt and removed her other boot" --eh? I thought she already had the boot off the good leg on page 1? pg 4: "The innkeeper is a free witch, perhaps?” --I'm assuming this is because it's winter and hard to get actual flower petals? Might need to make the logical jump a little easier, just to smooth reading. pg 5: "because I didn’t, finish. Because I stayed in between" --I thought S was identified as female in early life? Saying S "stayed" in between leads me to think S always had strong preference to NB, but I got the impression it was a more recent thing from the rest of the story. pg 6: "she looked… human" --Was S expecting something non-human? pg 7: "I was here as her alchemist, not as her friend" --I thought she was specifically here as a friend to M? Maybe WRS pg 9: "viscacha" --never heard of them before. Pg 10: Yay competent S! Pg 13: "Come help me out and get in, while the water is warm" --moments ago, S was going to leave her for 30 minutes...

Getting toward the end, and once again this one is long. The last two submissions after this should be in the word count. Previously, the group rode in the balloon until their fuel ran out, and then anchored the beetle to the wall. They climbed for a few days, but the beetle hit a snag. They met another crew climbing up the wall, and started climbing together. After an accident that took one of each of the crews, the four remaining climbed through the cloud layer to find a giant waterfall forming the clouds. Above the clouds, they discovered a great waterfall, climbed below it until they crossed the vertical river, then began climbing upward again until they began to see strange white lights inside the wall. It turned out the white lights were roots, and they entered a forest, and soon after met the species who lives at the top of the Nether... Looking for all comments as usual... Thanks!

Thanks @kais! Yep--the bane of my first drafts... Interesting. I've been using them as a way to connect to the character better. I'll have to look at this. It's not ;-) Yeah, I think this was the big miss for this submission. All this stuff was mainly put in to help the reader (potentially a young reader) start learning about this. It is a bit of a maid and butler, but I thought it would be better to spell it out. in this case. Oh,and the Et. do tend to form groups of 2 females and 2 males.

Just read through the LBLs - thanks a bunch, @Robinski! Good catches on the orientation. I was writing pretty fast by this point, so it seems like I haven't got the orientation down (pardon the pun). At least that's a fairly easy fix. I hadn't heard of "Hooray Henry" before. Good piece of cultural difference!

So if no one else is submitting, can I do 6000 words this week? *winces* If I do that, I can submit around the actual word limit for the two weeks after and finish this novella off...

Welp, throwing my name in for next week. Only a few more sections to finish this novella up...

Thanks @Paracosmic_nomenclator! Ah--good catch. I'm missing some explanation here. Basically they have a biological signature. I'll clarify. Hmm...They recognized the tree and the fruit as something familiar, but I can see your point. I think I need to up everyone's caution in this section. It's a Nether thing, not a Symphony thing, but you're on the right track. I tried to gloss over this so I didn't have to do a lot of explanation. You've got the idea, so it may be working? I was thinking more like if you cut the top off a pepper and pull out the inner core. I'll clarify. Great catches--glad you're enjoying the story!

Lol--good catch. I'll add in some more surprise. I'll expand on this... Thanks, @industrialistDragon!

I think I basically picked up all the same things @industrialistDragon did this time. This one was much smoother to read, but I was also left wanting a little. It's a filler chapter, which you have to have sometimes, but it also doesn't give us any real tie-ins to the story progression. I'll agree that Q&M have been off this book (from my expectations). I tend to think of them more as quibbling, semi-bumbling, yet competent. They manage to solve the case mostly by skill, but with a little luck, too. This time, it's like they're playing GTA, and also happen to know about the larger plot happening around them. To this point, I actually enjoyed Q&M's banter this time around. I even enjoyed the story about the stolen church, although it's extraneous. However none of it really does anything for the plot. Also agree that E's section was much better, yet still missing something. I think it's that tie-in to the larger plot. She's just cleaning up, right now. Yep. Me too. Seconded. I think we need this a lot earlier, or not at all. Also, I totally thought the bears were being chased by the MTs. Notes while reading (I started doing it this way this time instead of LBLs, so...*shrug*) pg 3: "or I will put every hunter I can find into the field; that’s plenty around this town, as you know" --They're not already hunting down these things? I thought that would be the first step. pg 3: "That discovery had led to a seven a.m. call in which she’d browbeaten the man she had laughingly thought of as her head of security" --wait, so this isn't M? pg 4: "You can find a picture of a mange…, an MT on the web" --You can? Who have they been showing these things to? pg 5: "Because I tell you to" --"told you to"? pg 6: "Maybe she should have done this hours ago" --uuuhhhh...yes. Or right when they learned the MTs were loose? pg 7: "Morton should have come to her with the suggestion of releasing them." --would this make E suspicious that M wasn't doing his job well enough? pg 7: "K was livid, boiling mad in fact" --now this is the police chief Q&M were with, right? WRS. pg 8: "fancy-assed idiot" --lol pg 8: "He released the wheel again, leaving the truck to steer." --so the truck doesn't mind if people mess with the algorithm trying to steer it? I'd think it would just resist any extraneous movement. pg 8: "Part of him still doubted his decision not to put out a national alert on his fugitives" --I question this, with all the damage Q&M have caused. pg 8: “I'm trying to listen to my tinnitus.” --lol. pg 9: “you have much to learn about boxer shorts" --lol pg 10: "nineteen-hundred kilometres to Yellowknife" --Didn't know it was this far... pg 10: "applied the brakes forcefully before the car’s system engaged" --wouldn't the car sense it first? Isn't that the point of a self-driving car? pg 12: "If necessary, I will attack the bear to distract it.” --now I need to see this. pg 12/13: I thought the bear was going to be running from the MTs. Little bit of a letdown that it wasn't, and was just some random bear attack. Doesn't do as much for the plot. pg 13: "“It was on my way,” the man grinned" --Didn't the truck just happen to come around the curve of the road? pg 13: "The Five-Star was crippled. The trucker offered them a ride back to Revelstoke, but Q declined graciously" --Eh? I thought the car was totaled? Also, how are they going to get anywhere? pg 13/14 the phone conversation is confusing. Hard to tell who's speaking. pg 14: "He had gone AWOL from San Francisco and J had gone off the deep end" --"He" is Q, or Mor? Isn't J Q's wife, or am I making that up? A little confused at the last section. There's a lot of detail about Mor, suddenly, and I struggling to fit it all in place. I wonder if we could learn some of this earlier on, to help understand Mor's relation to Q, and why Mor is doing this?

I liked the reworking on this chapter. It brought up a lot of the questions I had while reading, and gave some answers while also letting S develop. Still not completely sure S would have missed the demise of the guilds--the process seemed a lot more sudden in the capital, and no one mentioned it had been going on a long time. It makes less sense now why the guildmasters are being captured, if this has been going on so long. Interested to see what happens! pg 1: "continued to drop exponentially " --I am still thrown by this phrase. It's nice dramatically, but practially, it only works for a short time before things hit absolute zero. pg 2: "Rooftops glowed yellow. Footpaths, what parts could be seen under the snow, shone a strange silver." --I like this...sets up the witchcraft nicely. pg 3: "No doctor will attend someone during tii." --this still seems very hazardous. But, tradition, I suppose... pg 3: "before I could figure out what to say" --Why does S need to say anything? Just because the man is a guild member? pg 4: "brushed crumbs off the nearest slab of metal" I looked back, but I don't think you mention metal tables. Yes, wood is scarse, but I'd think processed metal tables would still be more expensive than importing wood tables pg 4: "Was it hypocritical to desire the very attributes I sought to hide?" --good character moment. pg 5: "a dense walnut without a single glue joint that I could see" --ah, so the chairs are wood, then. pg 6: "“I’m S the alchemist" --This popped me out of the story--too long between the last dialogue, and S ate an egg in between, somehow. pg 6: "They keep wandering in off the glacier with some type of snow madness." --ok, not sure why random people are staying in the inn. Are they paying by trading work? --huh...guilders. Ok, interested. pg 8: "Why constrain yourself with rules and old methods that can’t compete with machines?" --I like K. pg 9: "noting how many of them are wandering back across the glacier" --I like the guild discussion vs. industrialization. Still not sure what the glacier has to do with it. pg 9: "We’ve not had a guild master of any specialty for at least five years," --This has been going on longer than I thought... pg 10: "What else had I missed while hiding away" --Interesting turn here. I don't totally believe that S would have missed all of this, unless S never went anywhere. Why did R accept S as an apprentice, then? Or are the alchemists and witches doing better than the other guilds?

Slightly long, but this finishes up this section. I'm excited to see what you think! Previously, the group rode in the balloon until their fuel ran out, and then anchored the beetle to the wall. They climbed for a few days, but the beetle hit a snag. They met another crew climbing up the wall, and started climbing together. After an accident that took one of each of the crews, the four remaining climbed through the cloud layer to find a giant waterfall forming the clouds. Above the clouds, they discovered a great waterfall, climbed below it until they crossed the vertical river, then began climbing upward again until they began to see strange white lights inside the wall. Looking for all comments as usual... Thanks!

I guess I'll put in my name for next week to start...As usual, boot me out if there's too many people.

Thanks to @Paracosmic_nomenclator, @industrialistDragon, and @kais! Sounds like everyone agrees on The Accident, earplugs, and rations/portal/time spent climbing. I'll clear those sections up. Got it in one. Yeah, it's unfortunate. I named it before Minecraft was a thing, and didn't think to change by the time I published Tuning the Symphony... I think I mentioned this somewhere near the beginning, but I'll highlight it more. The wall is really really thick (and they're only drilling holes a few feet long) Noted. I need to bring in portals earlier. Yay! Will edit this. *rubs hands evilly* I'll make it clearer, but the next section should help as well. Thanks so much for reading all the way through! Next week's submission should be interesting... Good points. I'll try to push this earlier in the story and give a better explanation. I think introducing the safety net of the portal earlier will help. Lol--I'm eagerly awaiting this! Though read through the next section first... Yeah...I'll fix this. Thanks everyone!

@Paracosmic_nomenclator thanks so much for reading through! Sounds like I'm hitting a lot of the buttons I set out to (Jules Verne, tension, sense of wonder). Your running commentary is very helpful. I'll answer the other comments more in depth soon...

@MistbornAlpaca, thanks for plunging into this halfway through! I think a lot of your confusion is indeed from missing previous submissions, but you have some good points, too. Yes, it is. Glad it's coming across right! Thanks. I'll make this clearer. Yep, this is a bit of a problem. I need to figure out a way to support this. Lol, that's good, but you might think differently if your read the previous section... Thanks @Robinski as always--your LBLs are very helpful. It is a bit. I love Niven, and discovering more about a planet-sized wall was what inspired me to write the story! Yes, these generally take a backseat in adventures and mysteries, but I wanted to make sure there's enough to connect to the characters. Glad it's working for you. I can clear this up. The're more or less in the middle. I agree. I'll make to put this in on the next edit. I was thinking correcting the carbon content and making a higher strength steel, but same concept... Also something I need to add in. Thanks for the catch. This might be clearer later on... Thanks again to both of you!

Yep--I think you've already encapsulated the problems with it! Those are the same thoughts I had. There are the bones of a good story here, but I want more: more emotion, more tension, more of a resolution at the end. Maybe take a look at the main character to see what his motivations are. Getting these in place early on gives him a reason to lead the revolt. Notes while reading: Pg 2: he seemed like he was accepting his fate, but now he wants to take over the ship? Ok, you address this later on. So that's good. Pg 2: "crou," "crax," and "crak" are all pretty close Pg 2: the prisoners fall into line very easily. Pg 3: pushing through the pain of an electrical shock isn't very easy. Pg 4: taking the bridge is sort of a letdown. There's also only 2 enforcers now instead of several? Can we see the action? Pg 4: Why are the prisoners downcast? They just took over the ship! Pg 4: The tattooed man hasn't been introduced before. Pg 5. "seven small fighters wouldn’t be enough to get sixteen people off the ship" --I mean, there are a lot of ways to reduce the number of people to 7, if each ship holds one. If they can hold two, then they're most of the way there. Pg 5: Chrag. Another similar name. Pg 6: Why isn't he telling the others about the ships? It could be an incentive for the people who want to leave to join him. P6 6: He's really dumb and not military trained if he didn't think of taking the guard's gun in the first place. Pg 7: How easy is it to learn how to pilot a fighter? I have a feeling a lot of these prisoners won't survive getting out of the hangar.

I've sent LBLs... This one is pretty rough. I'm still not sold on why Q and M are doubling down on the "life of crime" bit. This time, they're going for broke in assaulting paramedics and taking a hostage. When they do get caught (and I can't imagine they'd be safe anywhere nearby) they're going to have a bunch of charges. This will all get in the way of Q resolving the contract. Also very confused by the ending. I got the mysterious caller part, but I have no idea what E is doing. pg 5: the part about being a pilot is a bit out of the blue, but I'm willing to give Q the benefit of the doubt. Pg 6: If they got rid of the radio, how did they contact the town? Pg 10: They're taking a paramedic hostage? Pg 12: Do we know this about M's parents? Pg 13: Pretty confused with the call at the end. I'm not sure what E's creepy staring is doing. Is he translating the call somehow?

Thanks @Robinski! LBLs are very helpful, as always. Yes--I've mentioned it in passing in a couple places, spread around the books. Probably WRS. The other one only had one drill and the other was worn down. I'll see if I can make this more prominent. Yeah, this is sort of a handwave. I'll do some more research to see if I can justify it. I think this goes along with @kais and @industrialistDragon problem with emotional attachment. I'll see what I can do. This is definitely the midway dividing point for the story... Thanks again!

Overall, pacing is still fine, S's age is still fine. Moms is definitely on the spooky side, almost to the point here of how S didn't immediately catch it. I'm left a little unfulfilled by the end of the chapter. The secrecy between M and S seem to imply there was something else going on in the bandit attack, rather than that whoever sent the conjuring probably hired incompetent bandits as well. With this much focus on it, it needs to be resolved. Were the bandits actually meant to harm M or just distract her? and why is M all coy about it? pg 1: ". I had delayed my chance with Master R, my last real chance at an apprenticeship, trailing a woman who needed no help at all." --This is good. Having the apprenticeship offered by R continues to help S's competency. pg 5: "A conjuring poorly done" --expect S has already said the rest of the conjuring was very well done. --also, why would it be hard to recreate a guild mark, vs. facial features? Is there something magic about guild marks? I thought they were just tattoos. pg 5: "Strong, to reject A’s wishes" --Except A allowed S to pick S's own path. What was S rejecting? pg 7: I'm still not sold on S falling into the blackberries. It seems very random that S just happens to fall full on into a giant tangle of brambles. Does it serve a story purpose? pg 8: “You were never one for crying,” --S has cried like five times already in this story... pg 10 : "even before Master R" --Even before he what? Pg 11: Was there actually something special about the bandits? I don't remember anything coming of them in previous versions. Is there something new? pg 11: "Not all the masters were missing, it seemed" --S never actually makes that connection before now, and with S telling M that it was from an amulet, this last line is a little confusing as to what S actually knows.

This is the start of the third part of the novella. Again, this cuts off mid-section, so a little abrupt. Previously, the group rode in the balloon until their fuel ran out, and then anchored the beetle to the wall. They climbed for a few days, but the beetle hit a snag. They met another crew climbing up the wall, and started climbing together. After an accident that took one of each of the crews, the four remaining climbed through the cloud layer to find a giant waterfall forming the clouds. Looking for all comments as usual... Thanks!

Once again--I'll throw my name in. Feel free to boot me out. I know I've been submitting a lot.

Thanks! Up to 125% now! Ah--good. I'll work on amping this up. Yes and yes. Fixing this will also give me a chance to make N protag more. Good catch. I'll work on this. Thanks @kais!

Hmm...so I had some issues with order of events and E''s reaction in this section. I've sent on LBLs, but basically I didn't believe the way E reacted, especially with the way M handed out information. Based on what we've seen of E so far, I would expect her to go ballistic and take charge or fight back, not meekly give in to M. Some selected notes: The opening fell flat for me. There's an opportunity for e to actively be searching for T. Pg 3: How is an incursion by the books? Pg 6: Uhhhh…really burying the lede here. M tells her there’s a problem, then E goes and researches, and THEN Morton tell her that her lover has been brutally murdered by monsters? E needs to have a much bigger reaction if that’s the way M is playing it. Pg 7: I'm not fully understanding why E is a suspect in this and M is revoking her clearances. Yes, she didn't delete an old profile, but it was T and "accomplice" who did this. Pg 11: Big drop in tension between getting suspended and driving to the police station. I want to know what E is doing to move things forward. Pg 13: Did the sheriff know about the escape before E? Also, is this the same sheriff M&Q are working with? I don't remember him being Inuit, but maybe it's WRS. At the end, I feel like I’ve been had by a bait-and-switch. Shouldn’t the police have found out the bodies weren’t human first?

Lol...I think I just mangled this entire description. I'll go back and clean it up. Good catch. I'll put that in. Yeah--I was trying to go for danger and death, but not traumatize the kiddos too much? I'll see what others say. I may need to adjust P's scene time to make him a little more significant. Thanks, @industrialistDragon!

I like this. More competency from S, and more reason for R to want to take S as an apprentice. I think this section definitely benefits from the shorter chapters. Makes it more of a page-turner. Interlude: Good, and I like that this starts informing us about the history. However, I'd think even an 11 year old would know a little more than that. especially "the amulet seeped magic into the water or something " and "and somehow she beat him without magic" I want maybe one more sentence on both of these, unless it comes up later on. pg 5: "Yours is male, and called Peanut" --is the joke because peanuts are small and it's big, or something about nuts and being male? --Also, do they even have peanuts? That's not a tropical crop... pg 6: "It was thick conifer forests through the road and pass" --I still want to know how the climate changes so fast. pg 8: I thought a hobbyhorse was just a stick with a toy horse head attached? pg 10: "so this might just be standard guild rivalry, noting how close we are to Puget.” --those guilds, always playing around, cutting fingers off... pg 12: "with an arrow through his eye" Peanut! Nice last line.