Mandamon

@kais Thanks for the comments and notes on tension. Very helpful for pacing! Yeah--I'm not sure of the balance of character/plot here. I actually put more character in than I originally intended, because it just didn't feel right. Definitely. This sort of came out as I was writing it, but the more I thought of it, the more it fits in with the rest of the world. There's only been two, really, so far. So not yet...

Contrary to @mrwizard70, I find this extremely engaging! I didn't have a particular problem with motivations or promises. I thought both were clear. Striving for acceptance from an authority that won't give it to you is very common and easy to relate to. As for promises, W seems destined to get out into the forest one way or another, and I'm sure we will find out more about the world. I did have some concerns with W wanting to change paths from temple adept to hunter at age 23. It seems late, and I wonder what she's been doing until now. I think this is probably an easy fix, but here it seems a little strange. If she was young teens, I wouldn't have any problem. But at this stage in her life, it seems more like "switching" from one path to another rather than "starting" a new path. In all, a good start, but I want to see more! keep submitting! Notes while reading: pg 11: "the tawny haired tanner’s son...Steady on there, son." --Having two "son"s in a row is a little confusing. I think you're saying T is J's son, but why do you need to reference J's father? pg 13: "apprentice herself to the hunter" --again, W seems old to be starting an apprenticeship. pg 13: Random Cabbage Theft is the name of my new band. pg 14: "Is that sympathy in her eyes" --from how G is behaving, I don't know why/how W would suspect sympathy. pg 15: "She could pierce an armoured hide at ninety paces now." --good start. pg 18: "separating a foal from its mother" --after it's weaned, I hope...I mean they do sort of depend on the deer. pg 20: "Three and twenty." --hmm..defintely old for apprenticeships. What's W been doing up until now? pg 22: ‘Leave to me.’ --missing a word pg 23: It sounds like W's been an apprentice to the temple until now. Are there any skills shared between that and hunting? "she could turn herself into someone with the ability to bring it back" Hmm...ok, this sort of makes sense.

Sent you back a LBL with a few comments. To your questions: 1) Caught one typo in the LBLs. 2) I think the age works. I made a comment on specific phrasing, but in this chapter, S has always seemed younger anyway. One specific question: would it be less strange for S to be unguilded now S is 19 instead of 25? 3) Yes, I think this works as an arc. It's got a definite stop with the, er, explosive last line, and we're left in suspense of what will happen. I'm actually thinking it may be harder for the next chapter to have a good arc than this one, from what I remember.

I've sent you a file with LBLs as well. I think this should definitely go back to being chapter 2. It follows through well from the first chapter and acts as a sequel to that scene. Notes while reading: pg 3: There's a big infodump with the "what happened last time." I wonder if this could be added in piece by piece to be more subtle. pg 5: There’s a lot of vacillation here. Q is proud of M, but doesn’t like her, but secretly does, but only because he’s been saddled with her, but really not because… Can he just be secretly proud of her, and grumpy on the outside? pg 7: still love the other job descriptions - I'd only be concerned if some of them sound more exciting than the main plot! pg 10: Ah, Q has talked with the client. I think I missed this the first time. pg 11: This is that same weird love/hate from before. Q is obviously concerned about not just M’s welfare, but her education and making sure she grows up to be a good and skilled person. But then he’s counting days until he can get rid of her. pg 15: I really love the Shakespeare section, but I don’t think the last sentence works as a zinger. I don’t really find it funny that the M in the play is a male, where M in the story is a female. It doesn’t make any difference to the coincidence.

6th Submission: NOTE: This is half a section again, so a bit of an abrupt stop. Our story so far: M finds the body of the Speaker when arranging a time to present his new invention. The Speaker had been in possession of a list of members of the secret society M belongs to. He tells the head of the Society, who confers with the record keeper for the society. The head explains about the history of the Society and how it will probably be shut down if word gets out. M needs to find the killer and the list. M talks to his two colleagues, who work together closely on the technical details of the automatons they are designing. One goes with M to talk to two other members whose names were on the top of the list. Both have a means for getting around the Society's geas that keeps people from talking, but neither seems to have motive for the murder. M and his colleague go back to the record keeper, who they find lying in a pool of blood. M and G investigate the second murder, find some strange things that don't add up, and go to Moort again. They tell them about what happened, but then a System Beast goes crazy and screaming starts. M and G rush to the workshop and fight to shut down their creations, and save K. Once everything calms down, they return to find the record keeper's body gone. M makes the connection between the murder weapon and harmonic effects he was studying, then finds an old, broken prototype gone from his room. It's the same one that caused the explosion that killed his parents and mentor. Let me know what you think!

I'd also like to sign up for the 12th, unless we get a whole bunch of people.

As in only one screen of notes ;-) Lol... Thanks as usual for all the comments and the LBLs! Good catch on the places where the tension is weak. I can certainly dial that up on the next pass.

Lol

I suppose that's a good problem!

Lol...there was a (very) brief mention of them in Seeds at the Bazaar, but not a lot developed. I might just leave that to your fan fiction! Edit: or maybe there needs to be a line of Dissolutionverse erotica stories to go along with the Dissolutionverse mid-grade I'm writing... ;-) Something for everyone! Glad this is catching your interest. I had a couple hints about it earlier, but maybe I can make it stronger. I'm struggling with revealing too many plot elements vs. developing M's character.

Sure--congratulations! Was this from PitMad, or just from subbing?

Agree with @kais that all the POVs at the beginning are a bit confusing. You could potentially combine M's side of the phone call with the first section, or bring out his creepiness even more in the chapter. I'm also sort of missing Q&M since we've only had them for one chapter. Was this originally chapter 3 or 4? Maybe you could keep a short Q&M sequel after the first chapter before we get to this? Notes while reading: First section - interesting. This is a new threat. Second section - A better setup for G., but I'm not sure of the importance of the second call. I was expecting some more substance. Third section - Still not completely sure what's going on. I assume M is sent to kill E? pg 9: "Oh well, maybe that would help when she took G.’s job as Genextric’s CSO" --So both have plans on each other... pg 9: "How bad can this be..." --a bit of maid and butler here. pg 11: "Mangetout" --had to google this one to find out why it was funny. pg 13: yep, those velocoraptors are still creepy. pg 15: "security advisor " --ahhh, that's who M. is. I was trying to figure it out. Might want to mention this further up. pg 16: "They shared an interest in history that, in the outside world, was declining now that they didn’t teach it in grade school" --that's terrible. pg 17: ends on a very ominous note, with something so much worse than the other horrors. I wouldn't mind just a smidge more information, or at least a few more of M.'s thoughts about the last habitat. I feel like there's so little I may actually end up forgetting about it for now.

This one is much better! I think this sets up the story very well, and includes the magic/religion, the danger, and some other locations. As @Truthweaver says, I'd keep this how it is. I'm ready to see the rest of the world. Notes while reading: Pg 1: The immediacy in the first few paragraphs is much better. pg 1: "As a girl she’d discovered it was sin to repeat these rumours. As a woman she had silently committed herself to finding out if they were true." --This is very good, and succinct. However, it's so succint now that it strays into telling instead of showing. You could let the revelation expand more organically. pg 2: "Is it sin to enjoy this?" --very nice. pg 2: "looming jagged forms" --good phrasing, but 'jagged' doesn't describe a form to me very well. Is there a more specific word? pg 3: The sequence of events here makes much more sense: being spooked around the creepy footprint, running back, telling someone, and being questioned about being out alone. pg 4: "One of the other men in the field passed the old man’s" --something missing at the end of the sentence. pg 6: "How am I ever going to use one of those?" --if she hasn't started by now, it's probably too late... pg 8: "could guess probably have guessed at who he was" --extra word pg 8/9: How big is this town? I got the impression it's pretty small, and everyone knew everyone. I guess it's bigger, since W has to introduce herself. pg 9: "I hope you feel welcome here." --Ah. Maybe they're just new?

Thanks for the reminder!

@mrwizard70 Thanks for the comments! Yes, coming in at this section is probably pretty confusing. I just emailed you the previous parts.

I made comments in the Google doc. From your email, you say: "I have yet to settle on a single story idea, so I don't need any story advice at the moment. I'm pretty much just writing down whatever comes to mind and trying to make it into working dialogue." My comments may not be much help then. The story didn't make a whole lot of sense to me, but I didn't notice too much wrong with the dialogue, except there weren't a lot of (any?) dialogue tags. I think you still got across who was speaking, except at the very beginning. I was confused as to what was going on until you started explaining. If you want some variation, I'd just take some of the paragraphs and break them out a little, adding some things like "X," I said. I did Y. and I did this, but said, "X."

5th submission: Our story so far: M finds the body of the Speaker when arranging a time to present his new invention. The Speaker had been in possession of a list of members of the secret society M belongs to. He tells the head of the Society, who confers with the record keeper for the society. The head explains about the history of the Society and how it will probably be shut down if word gets out. M needs to find the killer and the list. M talks to his two colleagues, who work together closely on the technical details of the automatons they are designing. One goes with M to talk to two other members whose names were on the top of the list. Both have a means for getting around the Society's geas that keeps people from talking, but neither seems to have motive for the murder. M and his colleague go back to the record keeper, who they find lying in a pool of blood. M and G investigate the second murder, find some strange things that don't add up, and go to Moort again. They tell them about what happened, but then a System Beast goes crazy and screaming starts. Let me know what you think!

Same for me. I'd like to submit on the 5th. I can crank through the rest of the novella over the next 3 or 4 weeks, but if it gets too crowded, I'll drop back.

Thanks @Robinski! Very helpful as always and the LBLs are much appreciated! Yeah, that was an experiment in prose, and I'm not sure I like it either. Not yet, although I met a lady who's working on a musical for Mistborn down in Charleston (!) and she's going to read them soon. I was classically trained in violin, so I have some knowledge, but it's been a while for me...

@industrialistDragon - Awesome! Glad this is interesting you more. I think the lack of personality is going to be a perennial problem with this sort of plot, but you may find some more meat next section? Not sure. I'll be beefing that aspect up even more in later edits. Ah--politically. I'll clarify that. Very good points here. As the characters are mainly scientists/engineers and not chefs, I'll look for some more interesting and pertinent objects they might think of more readily.

Thanks to @MasterJack and @kais! Noted--there's another section at the end that I'll need to tag as well. I think about 80% of your confusion comes from not reading the first few sections, but if you do read them and are still confused, please let me know! This is a good point, especially in regard to G. I'll take another look over this to make sure I get all the right emotions included. Hm...I'd like to see what you think on a full read-through. Do you think the lack of investing is from not identifying with the main character, or from the plot? Is the story by itself interesting?

I will attempt not to disappoint!

In a sense..I mean it's reversing a reaction that should be irreversible, so going against entropy... ;-)

Just realized I didn't reply to @industrialistDragon and @Truthweaver. Apologies! Good point. I'll mess this this to make it sound better. Glad this read better. This is the fourth story, so I feel like readers may have encountered the magic by this point, but always good for new readers to pick it up as well. Yes--this is Potential: technically changing the kinetic energy of the chair falling into potential, so that it moves upwards and wedges under the handle. I wasn't completely satisfied when writing this, so I'll have to massage it so it makes more sense. Also, yes, the intern is new. Thanks @Robinski, and looking forward to the LBLs--they always help me catch stuff. Sounds like this in on the right track, so I feel better about skipping over the intervening chapters to get to the new stuff.

I'm still enjoying this greatly! The dynamic between W and L is good, but I'm uncertain on the ages. Both act very young at times, but then W is talking about marriage and children at the same time she's calling L "barely a man." I think this needs to be concretely defined so readers don't get squicky at an underage relationship. Some more good hints about the magic. I'm not sure how B is supposed to be a source for L, but I'm hoping to find out soon. I had similar concerns to @Asmodemon about why W can go pick damsels, but also is not allowed in the forest? Defining her age better may help this. I also agree about the lack of urgency in reporting the footprint, if these creatures are known to attack. Just because there were no broken branches, that doesn't mean it wasn't scouting for next time, or something like that. Looking forward to the next chapter! Notes while reading: pg 10: "He was half a dozen years younger than W., barely even a man." --So W is late teens, early twenties? For some reason I was thinking of her as younger. Maybe it was from a previous version? pg 11: The relationship between W and L could be problematic, depending on the ages. Especially since W keeps drawing attention to L being "barely a man." Might be good to define the ages a little more closely, just for the readers. Being a "man" in different cultures can range from 8 to 18 pg 13: "I came of age two years ago" --so then not "barely" a man? Also, still want to know what that age is. pg 16: "I’ll come with you next time you go collecting damsels." --I think there also needs to be some explanation between W going out alone, and looking for damsels. They seem to be the same thing, but collecting damsels is fine? Is it just that she should be going into the forest with someone else?