Mandamon

Great comments--thanks @Asmodemon, @Truthweaver, and @kais! Infodumping and not making a connection with the MC and the Society were my main concerns. I'll try to ramp up the tension to get a better connection to the Society earlier. Yep, that's pretty much it, though System Beasts aren't the same thing as the Symphony Eater--hopefully that will get explained. This is one of the main problems I'm running into with the Sherlock-style mystery. Holmes is basically a superhero--he's never wrong, and the reader is following along in his tracks, which is why very few stories are from Sherlock's POV! I'm trying to get the same feeling with a younger MC who isn't as knowledgeable, and I'm running up against that problem. Very good critique, though. This points out what I need to work on, and I think I can punch it up.

I think I definitely benefited from reading the books first, but. having done that, this is an excellent prequel about Y. I'm enjoying this one the most of the short stories so far. The main problems I had with this were at the end, similar to @Chuck Hossenlopp's. Y's anger seems misplaced, and then overdone. I'm not sure why he would throw away the first deal, and especially not then accept a much hazier deal with no contract. it's the same problem N had at the spaceport. Where does all this anger come from? Not that it isn't warranted, but I don't think we have enough background on why these characters are so angry at their environment. Is there some reason specifically to hate the Ris.? I did enjoy the partial explanation of how peace is enforced. I would still imagine there would be day-to-day violence, however, if there's not an Ard. in the room. Notes while reading: pg 9-11: Some of Y's anger feels a bit over the top. pg 11: "We would appreciate delivery within ten standard days, and will pay whatever your price.”" --wait, so Y's going to ignore a contract that guarantees him money in lieu of a very hazy verbal agreement for the Ris. to pay him "whatever he wants?" That sounds like an even worse deal. pg 11: "going weeks without meat, or not being able to get a toy, or even lethal squabbling over territory" --those are...strange comparisons.

Good catch - this may be one thing that would be hard for new readers to catch. The MC is basically human. Yep, this is one thing I'm, struggling with plotwise. Interested to see what others say. Oops--need to fix that. Ah, that's because it's mid-chapter. Forgot to mention that!

Interesting chapter. This seems like a departure from what I've read about Q&M--I enjoyed it though, and looking forward to how the duo encounter and deal with the monsters, as I'm sure that's going to happen... It does make me wonder a bit more about the worldbuilding as well. You haven't said much about how/where humans are colonizing other planets. Do they have lightspeed/wormhole tech? E is an interesting character--ruthless and abitious. She gets a little into the trope of the over-sexualized power hungry woman, but I think it still works in this case, personally Notes while reading:" pg 3-4: The vibe in this chapter is much like in The Expanse, dealing with the companies researching the protomolecule. pg 5: Not sure the POV from the monster really adds anything. pg 5: Yep--still getting the same impression of The Expanse. pg 6: "when you could bread hybrid " --breed pg 9: "That was on film of course" --not sure what this means in relation to the rest of paragraph. pg 11: "if you couldn’t be prejudice in war" --prejudiced

Hello all, This is the first part of the new novella I'm writing in the Dissolution universe. It's going to be a Sherlock Homles type mystery, so I'm interested in how well I've hooked your interest with the beginning. Folks who have read my stuff before: Can you place when this is happening? Is anything really confusing? Folks who haven't read my stuff before: How lost are you? This will be my fourth story in this universe, so I'm trying to wean back on how much I need to re-explain the rules of the universe. Other questions: What promises am I making (or what guns am I placing on the mantlepiece)? What do you think of the main character? Anything else... Edit: Things I forgot to include: 1) This ends halfway through the part, so it's a little abrupt. 2) I expect some comments about the MC and my screen name. Yes, they are the same, but I promise it's not a self-insert. It's a long story going back about 20 years, and suffice to say there was a dead, off-screen character in a very early manuscript who has now clambered back up to have his own POV!

Maniacal laugh. Maniacal laugh!

I believe I have something worthwhile for submitting next Monday the 22nd...we will find out!

Yep--agree.

Lol. Minions!

I agree with everyone! Yeah--I think the writing was fine with this one--didn't really have any comments, but the excess description, safety features, driving through the snow, etc. slowed things down a lot. @kais brings up a good point that if we knew more about the client, we'd be a lot more interested in why he was murdered. At the moment, it's just Q&M going through the motions, and there's not even a lot of banter in this one. Also, you drop a promise at the beginning for them to start sharing information, but it doesn't happen by the end of the chapter. I suspect M volunteering info while Q is desperately hanging on in the GMC would be hilarious. It picked up at the end, with the N and the truck. She injects a good dynamic. Eh, I'd have to disagree, from experience. Probably not over three days, but there's been many a time when I've sparred at a class in the evening and felt fine until I woke up the next morning and started hobbling around.

This is a really impressive rewrite from what I read last time. Your writing skill is good, but as @kais says, there are a couple problems with the characters. I got a little lost in the first couple pages--it seemed like the focus jumped around a bit. I know that's kind of vague, and it may have been just my reading. Lol--I knew @kais would pick up on this... Seemed a little random to me, unless it's a continuing theme. I was also a little confused here, but your explanation above makes sense. I think some rewording will help. On chapter two, I was a little confused with what powers the girl has. There's the illusion thing, and the energy bubble thing, and then she can also heal. Plus, Bal in the first chapter only mentions the illusion. I also thought it a little strange that the girl charges right in to the fight--I also was envisioning her slightly younger, so maybe more character building before will help. Though I will agree with you (and disagree with Kais - gasp!) that a 14 year old trained in fighting can be quite vicious. If you make her training a little clearer it will be more believable. I'm still very interested in where this story goes, and looking forward to the next chapter. Great job on the rewrite! Notes while reading: pg 1: There are a lot of names in the first paragraph... pg 2: The prose is good, but I feel like this is jumping around topics I know nothing about, and I'm a little lost. end of pg 2: I'm starting not to care, because I don't have connection to any of these arrogant folks, and there's some infodump on magic powers. pg 3: You say that Bal is afraid, but then only explain why afterwards. If you switch these paragraphs, you can show that Bal is afraid without telling.Also, does all the wood types have a significance? Seems kind of random. pg 3: “She doesn’t just cast illusions" --How does Bal. know that the kid's power is like this? Couldn't it be something they haven't seen before? pg 6 "she reached in the void and energy free from it." --seems like something's missing in this sentence. pg 7: "She popped a hastily placed bubble of energy" --I'm missing something. I understand the girl has illusions, but not sure what the energy is and how she uses it. pg 7: So she has healing powers too? I was on board with illusions, but there's some power creep here. Especially so because I think she could handle the fight with only illusions. It would make it a more exciting challenge. There is some random capitalization in this.

Welcome to RE! So, I think the others have pretty much covered everything I had problems with. (Thanks @Asmodemon, and long time no see, @krystalynn03!) To sum up: I was very confused about the tabletop/computer gaming, then caught on, then was annoyed at the POV change, then saw this was going in an archaeological revelation direction with what I assume is maybe DND races in history? However, by that point I was mostly checked out because of the change between settings, the multiple characters with no description, and lots of talking heads in a white room. I'm guessing this is going to be some adventure where the chars learn that orcs and elves and such were/are real, which was the reason for starting with an RPG setting. The idea has potential, though it's been done before, and I think it could be started a lot smoother with more character building. I also picked up that a lot of the science at the end was rather suspect, with some theories that have been pretty thoroughly disproved, but I'll leave that stuff up to @kais. Notes while reading: pg 1: "I said. I mean D. said" --this pops me out of the story. Switching from 1st to 3rd POV doesn't really work in this isolated case. --Also, the elf lady's name bears a strong resemblance to a famous drow... pg 2: You manage to start the paragraph in first person and end it in third. I see what you're doing, but it makes my brain hurt. pg 4: Wait--Al's on Sam's computer, but wants to hide the evidence, then Sam shows up. Wouldn't he suspect Al is on his computer? pg 7: "antidelusionals from Niflheim" --lol pg 8: I missed the scene transition from in game to out until I read it a second time.

Just re-read over your comments above, and I was surprised this was only half. It works well to me as a complete arc, for a short story. We know where Y ends up, and this gives me enough information to see how he gets there. I didn't have many issues with this, in fact. It's a lot of background information, but it's also got a hook in the heist/rebuilding plotline, which is enough to keep my attention. I'm trying to also read this as disassociated from the books, and I think it works by itself without any other information, simply because we're starting on Earth rather than in space, and you don't really have to explain the groundwork more than "aliens made peace happen." Of course if I hadn't read the books, then I might want to have more of this story. That does leave me with one question though--how did the Ris. get everyone on Earth to stop fighting? Is that going to be explained, or will it be a mystery forever? Notes while reading: pg 6: ok, got an explanations for the lack of shoes finally, though that seems prone to problems. pg 8: Lol--love the explanation for the name of the ship.

Congrats for putting this out there to get critiqued! I'll agree with @Chuck Hossenlopp that the beginning is a little slow, but you actually get to Illy pretty soon, so it's nothing a few edits can't fix. The main issues I have with this is that Illy seems very immature for being the, not sure--protector maybe--of the heir to the throne. Speaking of whom, you may want to, er, adjust Kash's name a little...the middle is kind of an unfortunate spelling. The first few pages are a little too jokey, which makes it hard to determine if the characters actually want (or think they can get) peace. That said, I actually enjoy Sen's character. He has some good lines and seems to be the most competent of the crowd. You may want to investigate your gender dynamics too. As far as I can tell, there are no females in this chapter, and I have it on good evidence that they make up a good portion of humans. Unless this is a species with only a male gender, which would also be an interesting read ;-) By the end, I'm firmly on the side of Sera. The empire seems like slavers that have reached past what they can hold, and are now training incompetent leaders. You say Illy is Kash's teacher, so I'm guessing he's supposed to be older, but he acts like a teenager. Overall, this does have some interesting characters that have a lot of growth potential, so I'm interested to see where it goes. I remember how I wrote when I was thirteen, and it was much worse than this, so you're ahead of me there! Notes while reading: pg 1: "Obsidian was holy" --show us, don't tell us. pg 1: “These are going to be the most terrifying negotiations I’ve ever witnessed,” --I'm not sure if you meant it this way, but this is really funny. I'm imagining trying to negotiate with an army so big it can squash the biggest city in the world. pg 2: “Do you honestly believe these people want peace?” --wait, they do? No, I don't believe that. pg 2: "So you’re sure there is no chance of peace?” “It’s most likely.” --ok, now I'm getting confused. Are they there for peace or not? If this is banter/joking, then it's starting to go on too long. pg 2: "different shades of grey" --As in he sees the world in grey and these are different shades? Except then you go on to to describe color... pg 4: "His appearance, however, was no different to any others." --huh? --ah, you describe this a few lines down, but the separation makes it hard to understand. pg 4: "He had hoped..." --So he did think he could negotiate peace? He's very naive then... pg 6: uh, Kash's name has an unfortunate middle section I have trouble reading in any but a certain way... pg 7: by this point I'm mostly on Sera's side. These Triangulum folks aren't too bright, and have obviously built their empire on quicksand. pg 7: Repeating Kash's name a lot is not helping...trying not to giggle.

Glad to help! I'm back from PAX South today, and didn't get any writing done while I was there, but hoping to get a second pass on first part of the new novella this week. I may have something for next week or the week after?

The guys who filmed and produced it are amazing. The owner takes karate from me, so I got an "in." ;-) I was wondering about the Shakespeare quotes. They seemed almost too good to be true, like you had based the original characters around them back at the beginning of the first book. But I'll definitely have your back against Graham and Marjory! *shakes fist*

Overall, I quite enjoyed reading this one. You might be able to do something else with the first page or so to make it less...recap-y, but I understand why you do it. Sometimes it's easier just to dump everything in there so it doesn't take up space later. The rest of this is good. I was almost going to make a comment about the action lagging, but every time I almost got to that point, you put in another twist. In all, not a whole lot happens in this chapter besides Q&M deciding to take the job, but I really enjoy the banter and (gasp) character development between them. Excited to read more! Notes while reading: pg 1-2: A bit of a previous book infodump here. You could probably space it out more to make it a little more subtle. pg 4: "You know the only things I hate more than travelling are…” “Surprise!” --lol pg 5: The top of this page is a really good description of Q&M's relationship. pg 6: "foiling a plot to invade Iceland?” --also lol pg 7: I want to stay in that hotel... pg 9: I like that several of the jobs have good story potential. Makes it hard to predict which one they'll choose. pg 14: ok, the Shakespeare comparisons are awesome. pg 15: and a nice ending to the chapter.

Welcome to Reading Excuses! It takes a lot to put your work out there, especially to hear others give you critiques on it. That said... I think @toomsta and @kais have said a lot of the same things I was going to. At this part the prologue is the most interesting thing that happens, but I'm conditioned to think it doesn't really matter because it won't come up again. Glad that it's a farmgirl instead of a farmboy, and this is certainly a good training story to write on, but honestly, that trope has been used so many times you really have to find something unique to write about that others haven't already. You have a lot of backstory and information in here, as well as telling us about important relationships, but if agents don't see something specific and dramatic happen on the first couple pages, it's not likely ever to get accepted. What's the inciting incident for this story? what makes the farmgirl leave the farm? We all know what "simple farm life" is like from all the other books we've read. Show us how it's different. Notes as I read: pg 1: There's a lot of backstory here that isn't interesting yet because I don't know the characters. This reads like the summary of the previous book, but I don't think it's relevant to this book yet. pg 2: "And the Heroes, they will need to be gathered.” --This is so generic to fantasy that it's a cliche. Make it specific. I don't get a whole lot from the prelude. pg 4: telling us that nothing is happening doesn't get me very interested in the story. pg 4-6 I'm starting to skim, wanting to get to where something does happen. pg 9: There's still nothing happening, and going into backstory about her parents meeting isn't helping. pg 11: So far the most interesting thing that has happened has been her friends asking her to pick strawberries. I've getting a very Jane Austin vibe from the relationships here.

I think @toomsta sums up what I think about this very well. I thought this was better than the last couple entries, mainly because N and Y have a good chemistry (or I know their future chemistry). That said, I still don't see why N protests this job offer so much more than, for example, the one from last time. This one is demonstrably better. There are better interactions near the end, where Y makes it clear he doesn't care about the rules, and is probably a smuggler. If that was made clear sooner, then N would at least have a legal excuse to refuse him, even if she really wants to go. On microaggressions, I think they come across clearly, but like toomsta says, it's all pouring out at once, and makes the bartender and the blonde guy seem like toddlers asking too many questions at once. Notes while reading: pg 4: "It’d been under the guise of not being able to meet her dietary requirements," --I'm still not sure why N's aren't liked. Do people know enough about them to think people from N will mess the carpet or something? pg 6: “You’re her, aren’t you?” --so how widespread is this? Does everyone know about her? pg 9: "yet no one was wearing any shoes." --This is the second or third time this has come up, and I don't remember it from the books...?

Sounds amazing! I know I'll be doing some sightseeing while I'm there. We'll stay a few days either before or after the con.

I haven't heard of a WorldCon selling out before, so hopefully not a problem. I don't know if they had to cap the one in London, but I know they had more people than they expected in Helsinki and had to cap the days sales to locals. I guess I'll sign up soon...

Wait--already? I just signed up for 2018 a couple months ago! Not that I'm not going to register, just hopefully they won't sell out in the next few months or anything...

Interesting to see @toomsta's response vs. mine! Looks like I got a lot of references be reading the books, which may help answer your question about whether to market this to people who have read the books, or to a new audience. Overall, I thought this was much improved. It has much better tension, and the inclusion of the uncle at the end gives us some setup for the first book. That said, is this the end of this storyline, or it is going somewhere else? What you have is a pretty good ending for N getting on her feet in the larger universe (thought she hasn't really met Y yet.) Still some infodumping and confusion with the antagonism to the Youths. It makes sense for N to scorn them after failing at jobs, but not as much before. As I say below, they're actually a really good opportunity to learn about the universe. Notes while reading: pg 1: well, this does give better background for why N hates the president so much. pg 2: Why wouldn't the Mins. let N use the comm? Does it cost something? pg 6: still a litle infodump with the Ris. Where would N have gotten the information about the moons, and is it necessary? pg 7: why is N suddenly contemplating blowing up Ris. buildings? After the books, this would make sense, but not now. pg 10: This is better on why N doesn't want to be considered a Journey Youth, but I still don't know why she doesn't just take the posting, get cared for a couple years, then be free to get a job anywhere. Honestly, it sounds like a good introduction into galactic civilization from a backward planet. pg 11: ok--well, she does do this. But I'm not sure whether it's unreliable narrator on N's part that she failed the jobs, or a lot of coincidence. Why would she fail at them if they all weren't her fault? The last half of this was pretty good, establishing a reason for N to be an exile and what the situation with her uncle is.

Good chapter--similar comments to the others. You'll see my notes stop at pg 9, as I was enjoying the chaos too much. I love the armchair bursting into flame! OMG - I've sort of been saving them, but will go back sometime, but I love knowing they are there. (In-house secret ) I need to read those again--they're too good! You get pretty quickly into Q&M in action, which is always great to see. My two main complaints were 1) the NEMP shows up with little explanation (which I think is the same complaint @kais and @toomsta had about the wolves), and 2) it almost seems like there's a chapter before this. Not sure why I think that--maybe there are too many references to Q&M meeting people? But I think putting anything before this would drag it down, so maybe (*prescriptive*) take out some of the revelation of why Q is there and let the action (and flirting?) speak for itself? Have Q meet his employers later to explain what he was doing? Not sure. I'd have to see the next few chapters (which I'm sure I will, in a few weeks...) Notes while reading: pg 3: I like the "action italics." I can hear Moth's sarcasm. pg 4: the recap infodump is a little too obvious--could tone it down a little. pg 5: the exact measurements don't really help me--much more illustrative to say the fence was above Moth's head. pg 6: Is there setup that she has the N--P? Otherwise it's a bit of a deus ex machina. pg 9: "had deployed the N--P, or the telescopic-click-together-and-twist-to-size laser gateway," --Hmm...this might better come before we see Moth using one of them?

Bit late--hopefully I can still add some comments before you submit! Your newest summary in the last post works a lot better. I was going to comment that the original was a little fuzzy, but then read your back and forth with @kais. I'd also agree you need more of the relationship with M and Q in the synopsis. There's a lot in there that can be cut while still keeping the feeling of the story. Agree with kais about the book2/3 summaries. I think the third one is very cool. Needs some description of the big bad in the second one, to show what the conflict is. pg 3, the end of the synopsis: "the might permit" --> "that" As to the actual chapter, I thought it was a good addition, and I love how it ties in with the messages M sent. You might even include the text of one just to confirm to the reader that they're the ones Q gets in the previous scene. Dunno, might not be necessary. "shut up mode" is great. M has some great lines here, and hopefully has a larger part in the rest of the story now too! So did she actually get any information or help in any way here? Seems like she tried to get info to aid Q, and failed. I'd hope she becomes more integral in the full story.