Mandamon

This was another good submission. The writing pulls me along, though I'll agree the journal entry was a bit jarring. Maybe if it was separated from the text... I didn't have a problem with E being inconsistent in faith. I think it lends a good complexity to the character. To me, he's a scientist as well as a priest, taking advantage of the roles offered in this society. A little problem with the forgiveness at the end of the confession, but that may be my dislike of organized religion talking. Interested to see where this leads from here on. T has fulfilled his original goal of saving his girl, so I'm wondering what the next step is. Notes while reading: pg 1: murder -> murderer pg 2: "You’re final consumption" --your pg 7: “The man I know has changed as I watched him. “The man I know is redeemed.” --hmmm...E has known T for six days and thinks he's a changed man because he's done good for a scientific community in isolation? Would T even believe that? pg 10: "He would have killed me no matter what. When I stayed silent, he felt weak, and tried to prove he wasn’t..." --how old is Yra? That's a lot of analysis about something for a little child. The last few pages need some more dialogue tags. I got a little confused with who was speaking.

I'll second the request to email the document, especially as I'll be on a plane later this week! Whoof--the first few pages of this were hard to read, given our country's current situation. However, the writing is solid and draws me on. There might be a little too much tell instead of show, however. pg 9: the blocking and timing between seeing the guard and getting into the fight is a little confusing. I'm not sure where the rooms are and how the hallway is situated. Also, I thought the guard was fine, and then a couple seconds later his skull is visible? pg 10: Taking off the shirt: hmmm...no. You just say how her jacket is armored, and then she removes it first thing in a fight? Pg 11: The neck is a very sensitive area. You can't build muscle there. If someone got a clean punch on a vulnerable neck surface, the other person is going to notice. If something magic is going on, Ben should remark his punches aren't working right. I'll second @kais on using a little girl as bait. Plus, what is she doing in a super soldier facility? Is she one of trainees? pg 16: "His speed nearly doubled suddenly. I managed to block two blows, but there was a rip and my leg nearly gave out." --"Nearly" repeated pg 16: Ben probably can't stand, and certainly can't lunge, with a hamstring cut. The fight at the end drags out. It covers almost half the chapter, and I was starting to get tired of reading it. There's a bit too much of "now I'll show my real power" and "he can't move that fast."

This reads much smoother than before. I don't feel like I'm missing anything you cut. There's a lot more connection with S and Thuja, and the woodcutter's guild. You've described it well enough that now I'm not sure this promise got addressed in the version I read. Do we find out why the guild hall was cleared out and why? Was there a plot to remove the woodcutter's guild specifically from Sorpsi? pg 2: bale -> bail pg 2: "the way she sat, hunched over and grunting, gave me the strength to lift my head up." --why? pg 3: "Woodcutter’s Daughter." --would S misgender S's self this way, even internally? S goes into the explanation next paragraph, so could probably take the first instance out. pg 3: "Pray the ruddermaster holds. Increased traffic has had her up for the past two days. " --this works better. pg 3: Should "Ruddermaster" be capitalized here? It isn't anywhere else. pg 3: Even through - Even though pg 5: The conversation with Talia is much better. pg 7: "Neither was my late husband. It’d be endearing if you didn’t smell like fish.” --Lol pg 11: Water frame? Had to look this one up. It's odd enough you could put in a couple words about how it's a strange new mechanical invention. People in Thuja wouldn't know what it was either. pg 12: "This is the first time it’s come due since Queen Iana took the throne." --Huh. That's a long treaty. 70+ years?, I'd guess? pg 13: "dwarfed both in size and stature from the others" --by the others? pg 14: much better with the memories about the woodcutter's hall

I'll second that I really enjoyed the majik words and their pattern, as well as that I didn't see a need for "majik" vs. "magic." pg 1: "hands somewhat wrinkled" --hands--somewhat wrinkled I'd remove the first swear as well. It's not prevalent through the rest of the piece, so it looks like it's there for shock value. Similar to @aeromancer, I thought the relationship is a little rocky. I was almost concerned at the beginning, with the slave fantasy direction it was going. T reveals the real situation later on in the story, but we don't get his reactions to the way others would think about them together. If they've been a couple that long, I wouldn't think T could think of L in terms of slavery at all. Or if it's more of a culture clash, then we need some more explanation of why this is either common or uncommon and how T perceives them vs. the rest of the culture. Title: yeah, could be better. Maybe something addressing the loss of magic?

Personalized even! Thanks, @industrialistDragon!

I need a unicorn...

Glad to see you again, @Marci! Also, random achievement go! I just noticed on my "words written" spreadsheet, where I keep track of all my writing, that I crossed over a million words written on June 28th! It's got a lot of estimates in it, and I certainly haven't recorded all the words I've written, but I'll take it! I think that's when all the publishers buy your books and give you millions of dollars. Right? ... Right?

I'm here again! I agree with @Robinski to some extent, that It's hard to be as objective as I was the first time around. Glad we've got some new blood commenting. Overall, this read better. Still maybe a bit long for a first chapter, but held my interest. The emoting is a part of that. S seems even more prickly than last time! That contrasted with S's competence in creating the powders makes for a compelling character. pg 10: I understand that the reaction to "woman" takes priority, but S also doesn't have a reaction to them namedropping the Grandmaster of Witchcraft. Wouldn't S be curious about that? pg 11: maybe somewhere on this page when S thinks through the options? pg 12: ok, here it is, but to witches in general. I'd be more concerned the Grandmaster themself was calling for a kidnapping. pg 13: This has a better reaction from S to the house being destroyed. pg 14: first mention of the sash here. There was a brief description at the beginning of the bandolier, but might need a reminder in the middle. pg 16: "he melting, although not really. " --missing a word pg 17: ok, reaction here about the Grandmaster Witch--good. pg 17: "Why couldn’t I seem to relax?" --I'd think that was pretty obvious, after S just killed a man. pg 18: "woodcutter’s unguilded apprentice" --But, there's nothing actually stopping S from being guilded, right? S doesn't like it, but with no other options left, it's still a path S could take. Also agree with Robinski that S should at least look through the rubble to see what supplies can be had for the trip to Thuja, though that might be in the next chapter.

Agree with @kais on this one. It's very long with not a lot of action, though the writing is good. I'm also not sure what the point is, or whether all this could be boiled down to "he rode in a cart, lost a fight with an offensive jerk, and worked scrubbing pots for weeks." Need a whole lot more emotion from Petro to connect with the character and give some interest to the chapter. I noticed this was chapter 3, so is this the same story with Petro at 9 rescuing the girl? If so, there's a large jump in time there that probably needs to be explained better. Notes while reading: Pg 2: so Petro's 16 now? It's been a while since the last chapter, but as I recall, Petro was 9? pg 3: "stealing her wares." --missing an end quote. Also, what? pg 4: ok, I guess the old man's just crazy? pg 6: "So Peto" --Is this is typo or is Kether messing up him name? pg 6: So far, I'm relatively confused. Last I remember Petro was chasing some princess and now he's talking to a cart driver with dementia and I'm not sure where this is going. pg 6: ok, so Pheldo is not the cab driver getting Petro's name wrong, but the cart driver's name? pg 9: "Le-el-nn," --are we supposed to understand what this is? pg 11: this fight is sort of sudden. I don't get a lot of feedback from Petro on what he's feeling. I'd like more internal monologue. pg 12: there's not a lot of resolution to the fight. What happened after? pg 15: "watched the corpulent step" --missing a word pg 15: "Petro was fast. Years of training under his Uncle's tutelage..." --yet after all this training, he's been beaten by Kethar and a fat chef? pg 25: need a break before the three week skip

Welcome to Reading Excuses! This was a very strong first submission, and it pulled me in as I read it. I think @kais and @industrialistDragon covered my main concern as well, so I won't belabor the point. Suffice to say, reading did feel dry without the emotion from the POV characters. I can actually get behind E's lack of emotion to some extent, as he's obviously a very scientific and introspective person. Makes me think this is someone who would have been a pure research scientist rather than a monk, if that was an option in this world. T, however, should definitely have more emotion. I have the same problem not putting enough in, and Dragon's suggestion is a good one, to go so overboard it sounds like a soap opera to you. It's easy to cut out a few emotes here and there to tone it down. If there is going to be a lot of people getting burned alive in this, then you need to have some system worked out to show the pain and injury from the burns, even if you want to get dialogue across at the same time. I don't think there's any description of burns at all in this--either it's magical fire that doesn't leave a trace, or these folks are going to be crispy pretty fast. Looking forward to the next submission!

Yep, pretty much. Keep a record of who you look up, so you don't have to do it again! I have a giant spreadsheet with who I've submitted what book to when, basic guidelines, and what the response was.

I've got Fruits out to agents, and I'm going to submit it today to a small publisher I met at the con. Self-Pub is a strange animal, I've found. if you're good at researching or marketing, or happen to hit something just right, you may be able to break in. Otherwise it's a slog until you have a critical mass of books, if then. However, I've heard that more big publishers are doing the "throw against a wall and see what sticks" philosophy these days. So if you're one of the 30 traditionally published authors in the latest breakout crowd that didn't happen to make it big at Tor or Orbit, or Baen, or wherever, you might be just as bad off in terms of selling. A lot of traditional authors are having to do a lot more of their own marketing anyway, and if I have to do that, I might as well self-pub. That's why I'm interested to see what will happen with the kickstarter for SoD. If I can pay off my publishing costs, then everything after is profit. By the way, if anyone wants to take a look at the preview, it's here! Let me know what you think!

Nice formula @Robinski! I won't post now, as I recovering from being a panelist at ConGregate (I might have gotten asked back already??), but I've used the trial version of ProWritingAid before, and it does something very similar in the complete breakdown. It finds all the vague words for you and gives some output index similar to what you describe.

Overall, I enjoyed this. The first paragraph took me a bit to get into it--for example, I wouldn't say 6 is a baby, and the age-ish ranges threw me off, but after that I got into it. Could clean up the first section just a bit to get the reader hooked. There was a cool twist at the end, and the characters were good, for such a short story. It felt very much like a fairy tale, but not one I'd seen before. I would have liked an end to the last thought, as I didn't completely understand it. I got that the diamonds were tears, but why did having two great treasures make a difference from having one? Looking forward to the next sub! Title Thoughts: Diamond Tears Winter Girl Taste of Dragon

Ha! Awesome.

Hey--shameless self promotion: I'm going to be running a Kickstarter in August for Seeds of Dissolution, and I've started a Thunderclap campaign to help get the word out. I need to get 100 people to sign up before August 22nd. Anyone want to help out? If you're not familiar, Thunderclap uses your social media (FB, Twitter, or Tumblr) to do a one-time post at the appointed time to reach a lot of people at once. It's legit, and not going to steal your information or anything. Thanks!

Thanks @rdpulfer! I got the flailing bit from teaching karate students to spar ;-)

Yeah, was afraid of that. I think I was seeing Quirk through Rilan's familiarity (and irritation) with Vethis... Lol. Absolutely.

Glad you liked it! I was concerned Quirk would come off as too much. Objective complete! Oddly, that just popped out automatically. I got to that part and of course Magda would think it was witchcraft! @industrialistDragon I loved your surprise @kais sent! @Yuoaman thanks so much for the critique! You came in to the forum at sort of a strange time, when three of us were doing fanfic of each other's stories! Rilan is from my works, Quirk belongs to @Robinski, and Magda is from @kais recent story. Thus the mix of SF and Fantasy. Glad you liked it! I like writing fight scenes a lot... Yay! (shameless promotion: if you want to read more about Rilan, I have two novellas out on Amazon featuring her--links down below . I'm doing a promotion soon, so Tuning the Symphony may be free in a couple weeks...)

That was just for you, @industrialistDragon!

Whenever you see that in your writing, delete it and write a phrase using only the character's actions and physical description that says the same thing.

It's up as of now!

Hello all, Here is the third fanfic in a sequence! Where once there was Quirk and Magda, now Rilan has joined them. And hijinks ensue. Just for fun, so apologies to @kais and @Robinski for...well, everything.

I seem to have produced some sort of fantastical fiction for next week, wherein our two crossover heroes encounter an inhabitant of the Dissolutionverse!

Yep - @kais and @industrialistDragon hit a big point I was going to make, and much better, so I'll just second that the whole rape thing did not work very well. In general, there's still lots of Maid and Butler, when L and G tell each other the things that they both know. Lots of telling as well. Show us L's reactions and feelings. part of the disconnect I get while reading this is because I don't have any reaction from L, or very static/telling ones. Notes while reading: pg 2: those are very polite soldiers. It takes away from the tension for a bunch of soldiers to burst in, and then effectively ask to borrow a cup of flour, if they have it available. pg 3: Why does the boy solider need a walking stick? Pg 4: and back to the soldiers being very polite, this time about the very suspicious bok of gold. I think it's because the boy doesn't have a lot of emotion, so I can't say if he's calmly saying these things, or what expression he has, or if he's even interested if the search. pg 4: Why does L need to know the boy's name? pg 5: “How did you stand up to the Xirans? I thought that they were going to kill us.” --I didn't get this impression. In fact they specifically said they wouldn't hurt L and G. “Trust me, my heart was nearly pounding out of my chest.” --also didn't see any sign of this from L pg 5/6: and then they talk about how they're great friends and what they should do now. I don't get any feeling of urgency from reading this. What is the hook to keep me reading? pg 6: They've just been transported into a fantastic golden realm of five suns and floating islands and they're talking about where to find food? I don't think they're in danger of starving right at the moment. Like @kais says, now's the time to wow me. pg 7: “But I thought that you’d want to check in on your family.” --yeah, maybe something like this first. pg 8 "Trapped. L froze in place, her heart pounding in the chest." --has there been any indication the soldiers are hostile? pg 8: “What’s a young lady like you doing out here alone?” One of the Xiran soldiers asked, leaning in with a catlike grin. “We can’t have that, now can we?” --Okay, here's some threat finally. Need this a lot sooner pg 11: So Lady A scares off the soldiers and then starts giving L a lesson in bullying? This is strange. Still not really holding my attention. pg 11: "What if I gave you and a group of friends over a helpless person and told you that it was okay to hurt them?" --I...dont' think this has anything to do with the situation. pg 12: “What sort of target?” --is that...even necessary? The point of a target is to draw attention to someone. Doesn't matter what type it is. There's a lot of this unnecessary stuff dragging the narrative down. pg 13: “You’re welcome,” she said. “And thank you for listening to what I have to say. I’m sorry if I ever come off as self-important or condescending. It’s the mask that I wear so that people don’t give me trouble.” “I didn’t think you seemed that way at all. I could tell that you’re a good person at heart.” --people don't talk like this. pg 13: "The rest of L’s mission went suspiciously smoothly" --what mission?