Mandamon

Welcome to Reading Excuses! Interesting story. Your writing is fairly clean, though there were a couple confusing places I marked below. It's certainly got potential! I have the most trouble with Jason's character. On the one hand he seems..suicidal? depressed? But we're in his head, and I would think those would trigger stronger emotions. At the end, the line "It’s a foreign concept to my brain, since I go crazy if I’m not checking items off of a to-do list." seems very contradictory to everything that's been going on the last few pages. Jason is just shrugging off what he's been feeling? I'd prefer to have a stronger ending. This one is just "hey, I guess I'll look around at this world," where I'd like Jason to have some objective. Is he going to try to kill himself again? Does he want to find friends? go back into space and come back in another 10 years? We're left hanging. You say it's about isolation, so the ending should reflect that theme. Instead, the ending is him going off with his sister. Notes while reading: Pg 1: Aphrodite / Apollo seems very on the nose. pg 2: "“It freezes time for us" --grumble grumble science grumble...maybe "slows time"? pg 2: There's a lot of back and forth, all in dialogue. Having some description or mannerisms might break it up. pg 3: "I didn’t ask to be unique." As in, the MC was young, or something else? pg 3: "you have my number" --you could put a cool piece of worldbuilding in here. Do they still use phones/numbers? It's a different world and civilization. Maybe they only do video calls, or text each other, or maybe they have an implanted computer. pg 4: "He’s probably burning up on the inside" --not sure what this means. pg 4: the description at the end of the page is a little clunky. It could be cleaner. pg 5: “Eight years have passed for you,” I say. “That must mean that you’re 21 now. What’s alcohol like?” --a bit maid and butler pg 6: “Yeah, it’s too bad that our parents left to live here,” I say. --here, where? pg 6: Ok...much more maid and butler. Both siblings know this, so why are they telling the reader? You can probably find another way to get the information across. pg 7: Would Rose come clean so quickly about trying to commit suicide? I don't actually know...just wondering. I can't tell how long ago it was in the story., but Jason saying " You’ve been" makes me think it's recent. pg 8: the dinosaur diorama doesn't do a lot for me, as it's not very connected to the rest of the story.

I'll step out for this week, @Djarskublar. I've been subbing pretty consistently. Looking forward to the flash pieces!

Uh...I'd like to submit for Mon the 20th, but if I'm the 5th one, I'll step aside for someone who hasn't subbed in a while.

I gots more thoughts! Sort of with @aeromancer on this one. I'm still not very impressed with R. and I feel like if he's the height of alchemical knowledge, it says a lot about S. that she's already passed him. It makes me question S even wanting to join a guild. I have more musings further on. pg 2: "Being a year older at an alchemical fair and vying for apprentice spots amongst children?" --Is a year going to make the difference between S being a child or not? I thought S was older than that. pg 2: "I’d been ten the last time I’d come into the queen’s forest" --So if S was ten then, and it has been a decade since S has seen R, then S is around 22? pg 2: "Although I knew to stay within two armspans of R, it was hard to maintain the closeness. I’d never been this near another alchemist, " --Still not really sure what proximity to alchemists achieves. pg 3: "lay the to trail" --lay the trail pg 3: "At twenty-seven" --Ah...so older. This makes me think even going to the alchemical fair this year would be vying against children. I think I'm on the side of ageing S down a bit. Otherwise this leads a lot more into why hasn't S just started her own guild at this point, as S sure knows a lot more than everyone else. pg 4: "I’m cautious by nature, especially on unfamiliar terrain.” That was a lie." --so why is S saying it? I don't really peg S as one to make up something just to talk. pg 5: Still having a little trouble with R. At this point, we see S as more competent than him, because S knows things we know are true, and R is spouting alchemical nonsense. However, there is magic in this world, so we can't definitely say glowing fungi aren't enchanted... I guess I'm still confused as to what S hopes to gain with an alchemical apprenticeship when S is clearly ahead of the curve. Is S aware of this? pg 6: "I certainly was nowhere near apprentice level" --But S is making strange powders with fantastic results, has made a microscope (evidently) and knows more about plants than the master alchemist does. At what point does S reach apprentice level? Why do I see R as less competent? Are there more competent alchemists elsewhere? pg 6: "Elves were utter nonsense, and the sightings" --hmm...putting "nonsense" and "sighting" in the same sentence suggests to the reader that they might be real, despite what S thinks. pg 7: "use a master’s tool. As my hand wrapped around the grip, my smile faded. The machete was out of balance" --more of the same. At this point I really don't trust R as competent in anything. --Also, a machete is a master's tool? pg 8: "perpetually off, as if we existed in worlds ever so slightly out of sync with one another" --Good to bring this out, but at this point I have little confidence in R at all. pg 8: "might specialize in an area of alchemy I had no interest in" --this can explain a lot. If this is the case, I'd bring out this thread more. pg 9: "I could barely see the blue light he held " --did we see this before now? pg 9: "There was a deep-seated reason I didn’t care for magic or transmutation" --hmmm...want to hear more of this. After this point, the fight with the palm tree read well. didn't have any more comments to the end of the chapter.

Gold star for extra work! I'm been coming down hard on "some" words in my writing over the past year, trying to be more specific, so I'm glad it's showing! Have you seen how many carrots they pack in a bag? Just one will last you a while...

I seem to be in similar company here, as usual. Like the others said, I'm concerned about the girl adding basically nothing so far. The pacing was better here, and the action kept me interested, but I'm still not very sure of what's going on. There's a girl, who seems to have no function but to slow Petro down, and a vague number of bad guys who he beats up. I'm a little skeptical of how well a prepubescent boy can take on grown men with swords. Some sort of magic happens later, which may be connected to the snake bite? Not entirely clear on what happened or whether anyone else can see the glowing ball. If so, it should attract people from all over, since this is at night. I do agree with @kaisa that your fight blocking is well done. I teach karate, to both kids and adults, so I was willing to give most of my disbelief a pass, as you identified targets where a boy could hurt a man (kick to the mouth, groin, soft tissue), however at the end it started to stretch my belief. I think kaisa's idea of cutting some of the fighting out will help. Notes while reading: pg 1: "His uncle's words," --his uncle's words what? You give the quote, but not what his reaction is. pg 1: alot -> a lot pg 1: "Where are you Uncle?" --Where are you, Uncle? pg 2: "slammed P's heart and chilled it still" --awkward pg 3: "dropped to the dark ground" --partly WRS, I'm sure, but I have no idea where he is and what P's surroundings look like. Where is he dropping from? He's in a tree, but I don't where it is in the landscape. pg 4: "They skulked across the path" --still dont' have a good grasp of surroundings. pg 4: "a dark hole underneath" --a dark hole in the bush's foliage? the ground? --ah, explained in the next paragraph. Could probably clear this up with sentence construction. pg 5: "The girl’s repeated warm breath" --mixing senses. The warmth isn't loud. The breathing is. pg 5: "I’m going to have to fight" --I think only this part of the paragraph should be italicized. pg 7: "freet" --free pg 8: "two fang marks in his flesh" --well that's not good. pg 9: "He looked up just in time to see the raider fall onto his back, pressing both of his hands to one eye." --wait, what just happened? pg 10: "He grasped at his temples and the cries changed into something like clanging metal. His heart raced, and P gasped as a surge of blood energy coursed through him," --Do what now? Is this magic? What's happening? pg 10: "At once, the man froze and glanced furtively in his general direction." --If P's got a glowing light, the man would have seen him by now. pg 12: "the girl’s hand relaxed in his" --I still have no idea who this girl is. At this point she's basically a McGuffin. Agree completely. pg 12: "P's strange vision" --So can only he see the glowing sphere?

Thanks for the feedback! Sounds like this is going in the right direction. I think I can make some minor edits for now and start on later chapters.

I'll agree with @Ernei that I'm not really drawn in by Chuck. He's very dumb, not that there aren't people like this, but it's hard for them to hold a narrative. I would have liked to see more about Francine and Barb, or have one of them as the main character rather than Chuck. We don't really learn anything by being in his head except that he's an awful person. The idea here is good, but putting some character growth moments in might help. I was confused by the "patient zero" tag when Francine is not the first person to turn into a zombie. You could clarify by saying she's the first in the US, but still, she was bitten by the guy who came back from Africa, so wouldn't he be patient zero? The ending was...alright, but not too surprising. You could punch it up some more. Notes while reading: pg 1: "He would do what needed to be done." --You've said this in the previous line. I think you can delete this and it will be stronger. pg 2: "holster of her gun clashed" --don't think "clashed" is the right word. pg 5: "Rhodes Bentley" sounds like a type of car to me... pg 5: "His buddy’s woman" --vague as to who this is referring to pg 7: "Rhodes had a daughter named Claire" --figured that out from the previous line. You could probably say something like "his daughter was a freshman..." pg 7: "every pigment " --color? Pigment doesn't sound right. pg 8: "Barb was forced to notice" --passive, and sounds awkward. pg 9: "Because she was bitten by a zombie." --wait...so how is she patient zero if she was bitten by an already existing zombie? pg 9: "This is only the first person bit by a zombie " --I think I'm missing something. Are zombies a different problem than patient zero? pg 10: "run into the back of him" --passive pg 11: "like he was on fire. Perhaps he was." --uh...no, he's not. pg 12: "and Chuck almost pissed himself" --this doesn't seem that believable. pg 12: "whole body crackled with energy" --sounds like she's about to cast a spell. pg 14-15: a bit of maid and butler, in the conversation between Francine and Barb. pg 15: Ok, so I gather Francine is patient zero for the US, but not for the world? pg 15: "started talking him" --talking to him pg 17: "one more casualty in tangled shoe laces of loose ends." --This doesn't quite work for me. pg 17: "Thin locks of dark hair fell upon a white-colored gown" --this sounds like her hair is falling off. pg 24: "a few months ago" --minutes?

Hello all, Here is a new version of chapter 4. Still a worldbuilding chapter and dealing with Sam and his anxiety again. Previously: Ch1: Sam gets very cold, loses his aunt, and gets sucked through a hole Ch2: Sam has a big freakout at the new world he's in, meets a strange alien Ch3: Origon learns more about Sam Looking for: -Does Sam's anxiety work? -Does this chapter have a better arc? -Sam has a somewhat updated voice. Is it working? -Anything else you see

I can also drop back pending newbies.

Curse your counting skills! This must be why I can't play a trombone...

Oh yeah--I'd like to submit on the 12th too. I think that's three of us so far?

Totally forgot to mention that! I side-eyed it for a minute while reading, wondering if that's what you were doing. I guess I shouldn't be surprised...

A bit torn on this. Your other books do it too, dropping scientific jargon. On the one hand I like it, because it makes me look up cool and interesting new things, but on the other, I wonder if it throws readers out of the story without a little bit of explanation. Especially with something like alchemy, where most people nowadays have no clue about it. A Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness, if I recall, has a lot of very scientific alchemical terms, but there is usually a sentence or two to shore them up. Lol. Glad I wasn't remembering that wrong.

I think because we don't really know what L's job is at that point. To me, a person on the street is not going to go up to a cop and start telling him to do his job. Once we learn she's going to be basically a detective, it makes more sense.

Figured I should give this another read through! I like the changes that accentuate the #ownvoices sections. Helps to club those of us with less exposure into what you're doing with the story and characters. Notes while reading: pg 3: "Instead of responding" --but S did respond, last paragraph pg 4:"Ervin had taught me to color theory" --what is this? --also, glad to see more guild info here. pg 4: Regent vs. Consort: I'd vote for "Consort" as well. Regent says to me someone who is taking over for immature royalty, which Magda isn't. pg 5/6: I like this exchange better. Asking about S's gender directly gives those readers with not as much a clue something to hang on to. pg 8: "That this had all been a misunderstanding." --meaning Mother's dissapearance, or the kidnapping, or what? pg 9: "Of course, there had been no need for M to become a smith, as she was already the Royal Daughter" --So does this mean the queen is also a smith? pg 10: "I have a number of other guild masters housed at the palace right now, our own in-house masters are still safe." --But wasn't the queen abducted from the palace? Why is it deemed safe? pg 12: "The queen isn’t a high priority right now. The masters are. " --Eh? I would think both would be very high priorities.

I've been pondering this question myself, as I'll have a table at NC Comic Con on the 18th and 19th. The main problem is that anything custom you make quickly gets expensive enough to overcome the profit on a book, and if people are walking away with them and not buying something, then you have a loss. Author income on a paperback may well be something like $2-$4, and anything nicer than a piece of printed paper eats into that a lot. I have a poster with each book cover printed out from Vistaprint ($20 each) which I hope will help draw people in with pretty pictures. I'm planning to arrange the books in some sort of artistic way, and I'll have a pile of business cards, which also have the covers of the books on them (a couple different versions). I thought about doing bookmarks as well, but I already use business cards as bookmarks, so I thought it was redundant. I'll probably get a bowl of candies or chocolate, which may draw some people in, but I've also hear horror stories of people dumping a whole bowl in their purse/pocket, so take that as you will. I also have the cost of the table/space itself to pay back, which will be the biggest expense. I have no idea how many books I'll sell, but the attendance is several thousands, so hopefully some! I'll report back with how it goes. EDIT: I'll also have one book on a Kindle countdown deal, so it will only be $0.99 that weekend, and I'll have a sign to that effect. I'm hoping if someone doesn't buy a physical book, they'll maybe buy an electronic version.

Lol--I realized early on I needed to not put my standard signature on my books and instead make a "pen signature."

Thanks, @industrialistDragon! Well, it's a thing now! But that's actually a really good response. This is version 3 or 4 of this chapter (in this incarnation) so I hope I'm getting down to small problems at this point. Reading and Enjoying is my goal!

I got my signed copy in the mail today! First words: Oooooo, Second words: It has a map! Third words: It has a timeline!!

So it seems I have similar comments to @kaisa, no surprise. Solid chapter. Things are beginning to progress, and this was mainly things that needed to happen. I'm guessing the offer from the firm is going to tie into the storyline with the doctor on the moon, so I'm looking forward to that. Moth and Quirk's banter continue to shine, and that's really what's drawing the story along. I will agree with Kaisa again that you could probably punch Quirk's replies up a bit, or if not, show more that he's panicked and not able to quip as usual. Hmmm. Maybe I've been reading this wrong. I've been assuming Quirk was Bi. Is that not the case? pg 3: "it wasn’t her spite that he hated, but his own doubt." --about what? the situation? her name? her calling him queer? pg 3: "He thought she was going to yawn." --might be overdoing it pg 3: "The situation called for the random element." --probably some WRS, but are they in immediate danger? They don't seem to be from the context. M&Q are just joking around. --though I do like the banter. pg 4: "I mean that suit? Please.” “It’s a classic Merrion.” --lol pg 5: "Maybe I can get her to drool in a jar, then lock her up when I go out." --Glad this made it in. pg 7: "and that possessions should be stowed away." --Should they be getting them out, once it stops? Or is it moving at high speed, like an airplane? Pg 13, first paragraph: Not sure of the blocking here. Confused as to which android is doing what. Moth's android is the one that is holding the gun, right? --oh, got it. Moth's android is talking to the plumber's android and tell it not to interfere. Took a couple readings. pg 14: Uncle Toni sent us a hairy little bon voyage.” --Why? If the plumber was just following them, then no need to pull a gun. It would be counter to Toni's interests to slow them off planet. Not sure why he did this.

Thanks to @Eagle of the Forest Path, @kaisa, and @Robinski ! Yes and yes. I think there's always going to be a bit of an infodump near the beginning, but sounds like it's working a little better. I'll keep chopping away at it. I'm struggling with this a little, as Origon and the space shuttle is the second story in Merchants and Maji. I don't want people to have to read it before this, but I also don't want to go over every point. I'm trying to balance between reminding readers and giving enough info for new ones. I think a flashback would be too much, but maybe I can do a sentence or so about what he was feeling at the time? Ah-heh. This is actually the premise for a Sci-Fi story I have outlined, not related to the Dissolutionverse. A bunch of colonists have to carve out a home on a planet with a hive-mind sentient fungus. Gender and body morphing/hybridization ensue. You know, I may have mushrooms on the brain a bit. I'll need to pick your brain on these points. The Lobath homeworld features mushroom construction, and they've brought some of the infrastructure to the Nether. Though I have no idea what a 'conk' is. *schedules research* Yep. I think I need to scale this back a little. It's permanent, which the maji regard as wasteful (the ideal is a perfectly reversible physical reaction), but not too big of an investment for Rilan. I put in the staggering to show that it is a cost, but may need to rethink that to a slight headache or something.

Heh-I had that same moment myself. Agree. Consent will also tie in with giving some more reason behind L's reactions.

Thanks @Hobbit! I'll be working on Rilan and Enos' meeting soon now, so very helpful comments. I think I may have addressed some of your concerns by moving the starmap up a chapter, but I like the idea of Sam asking Origon for more information on how the Drains work (not that O really knows at this point). This is a good comment. I think sort of what I was going for subconsciously, but I'm glad you articulated it. I can certainly work this in as a theme.

I still can't get on board with J. I think the problem is not that he's a jerk (which he is) but that L keeps considering him as a potential when she's 1) not in the market and 2) gives no reaction to his creeper passes. The few describing words we get (e.g. "blasted") makes me think she doesn't like him at all. If we are in L's head stronger and see what her immediate reaction to these passes are, and why she thinks they're acceptable, then this will make a lot more sense. People like J do attract others, but we need to know why L's attracted to him, past that he has shiny teeth. Is she just a very shallow person? In that case, it's going to be hard to make her sympathetic. Pg 1: Lots of waiting around and not moving on the first page, lots of description bogging things down. I really like the shelltown, but I'm not going to remember all of this. Pg 2: I'm more interested in why all the clerks are tired than dealing with L's luggage. Still not a lot happening to draw me in yet. Pg 2: "the Plan" --this sounds very official. Why is it capitalized? pg 2: "L surveyed the equipment issued to the local lictors." --This really signals "lots of description coming" which makes me less likely to pay attention to it. I think much of the next paragraph could be inserted in chunks elsewhere, or in dialogue. pg 3: "berate the lictor for neglecting his duties." --This seems...unwise. pg 4: Celatian/Celsior --I'm going to confuse these. pg 4: “Implying there are things you need to know right now? About me for example?” ....no? Why would he think that? At least L asks the same question. pg 4: “Well, I think I’m an interesting subject; and most people tend to agree.” --gag. pg 5: "You really don’t want to know anything about me?” --Really? No. pg 5: "Merciful Dhé, and I thought his smile was nice." --yeah, he may be pretty, but he's obviously a complete douchebag. I would think that would temper L's reaction. pg 5: I don't know what an Atramancer, so aside from demonstrating he's smart, this paragraph doesn't add a lot. pg 6: "The blasted man then proceeded to grab L about the waist and dragged her into the clamouring mob. " --What? No...this is where she knees him in the groin and finds her own way to the prefecture. Pg 6: L does not have a reasonable reaction to this jerk. I think this comes out more because you don't give any reaction from her, just state his ridiculous actions then have Laurea think how dreamy his smile is. Doesn't she feel angry at the treatment? Or is there a reason why she accepts this without comment? pg 7: And then they have a nice lunch and her sandal snaps. I want some sort of emotional response from L. I'm getting nothing except that she wants to get to the prefecture, in which case she shouldn't be stopping for lunch. pg 8: "fall of" --off Pg 8: "He laughed again—he seemed to do that with quite some regularity. Praise the Dhé for that. " --Why? Pg 9: "he said with another dazzling smile. Unfair!" --Nope. Don't believe it. Pg 9: "The Plan didn’t allow for romance" --So I gather The Plan is how she think she's going to rise in the prefecture? This actually tells me more about the character than the rest of this chapter, and it also says if she's that devoted to her prospects, I wouldn't think she'd be entertaining this jerk. Pg 9: "He said he likes a challenge, whispered an unexpected side of her, this might actually improve your chances." --I still don't understand why she actually considering him.