Mandamon

Overall, I enjoyed the chapter, but it's a little disoriented. Lasila jumps from meeting to meeting, and the last one, with Irahi, seems tacked on. By that point I'm getting overwhelmed with the rest of the chapter. As @kaisa says, the exit from Maranthe is pretty strong and you might be able to cut it after the meeting to slim it down some. Pg 1: fun to read, but I also feel we know all this information already, both about Lesila's finances and about Adrichel. I'm not getting much new from it. "Tonight, you are anyone at all." --maybe get rid of the last two words? seems unnecessary Pg 2: "work the blood of your former goddess into silver" --interesting. I assume the blood is potent for magic? "something about a priestess casting down her goddess to raise up a god' --I feel like I'm missing some motive here, along with Savae. is this just WRS, or are we still missing why this happened? Especially since the goddess is expected to revive/resurrect. Pg 3: "awareness of the shudkathra language" --I suppose not unexpected that Savae knows this, but has this been stated before? Or does her using the shudkathra language tie in with her magic? Pg 4: --- Pg 5: "light stings at her eyes as the priestess arranges her gown around her." --Seems like too much here. There's no mention of the lighting source. I assume it's reflecting off all of Maranthe's bling? I wouldn't think candles would have emit enough to do this, but I don't know what's lighting the room. The discussion of the magic is very dry. Yes, Lasila only comes at it from a legal aspect, but it feels like this is missing a lot of the sense of wonder that could be included. There's none of the fear or awe that usually comes along with an unknowable power we define as "magic." Especially when Lasila hints that it brings death, on the next page. Pg 6: Continuing thoughts from the last page, the whole discussion is...strange. They're talking about something very powerful that can cause many deaths and Lasila just shrugs it off. The closest analogy I can think of is a professional assassin talking about a fancy new weapon. The level of detachment by Lasila here is remarkable. Even an assassin would ask questions about what the weapon can do and how it's controlled. (EDIT: I'll second that I want to hear more about the magic, along with Kiasa.) "Of course what she did was magic then-- would someone have been able to tell?" --Lasila's been denying this the whole time, so I find it a bit unreasonable that she suddenly accepts it the moment she's confronted. Pg 7: "A conspiracy. But to what end?" --I don't follow everything here. Seems like Lasila might be making some leaps of logic. "Forgive that I must do this as a parting" ...Uh...what just happened here? I didn't really catch the attraction between the two and the kiss seems very forced on Lasila. Pg 8: seems a random encounter here, but something that needs to happen for the plot to procede. Pg 9: ""Small world," she says, trying to recover. "I believe my brother is responsible for your father's safety. " --Yeah, very convenient. How many people are here total? If there are a relatively small number, this meeting would seem less coincidental. Are there crowds? Or small groups of people? "spider-silk lace" --what is this and why does it matter?

Interesting. I hadn't caught that there's straight-up magic involved yet, even having read a few chapters on. I was thinking this was more hard-science fantasy, hence the alchemy/chemistry.

Thanks @Robinski! Yeah--I'm really not liking "de'Eden" any more. I think it might only be mentioned once or twice anyway. I'll come up with a new last name. I wanted to tie into some of the dutch roots in Charleston. Maybe something like "de Veden" or "van Oen" Lol--I think this was an Ori line I gave to her. Need to clean it up. I definitely need to do something with this and Ch4, but I'm not sure what yet. Might come back to these once I have a for more chapters pinned down.

I'd also like to do the 20th, unless there are lots of requests. I can drop back a week.

Similar comments to the others. The first section is good, and I'm interested in Probitus solving the murders. After that, things begin to wander. "Olyve" also pulls me out, and I correct it mentally to "olive." Good description of Probitus and how his limp affects him. It helps the narrative to show what extra he has to do to get around, and how this slows him down. Interesting to see Probitus' thoughts of Laurea before we meet her. I think this version will help her introduction to him later on, and help Probitus be more sympathetic. pg 7: "packs of paper rats" --Strange that this isn't mentioned the first time Probitus bumped into him. The "Dhe" descriptor doesn't tell me much, but "packs of paper rats" draws me in.

Heh--I'm listening to N.K. Jemisin's "Killing Moon" on audiobook and she uses "crossed her arms beneath her breasts" in one spot. ...not trying to derail, just thought that was funny given the amount of discussion on it here.

Thanks @Hobbit! Yep, needs more tension. Unfortunately, Ori is kind of always a jerk, but he means well ;-) I'm always afraid to put too much description in, because I get carried away! Good to know I can put some more in here. Good comments on what the therapist would say. I'll try to take out extremes. Any other missteps you see like this please let me know! Had some other comments that Sam gives in too easily. I'll have to punch this up.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this. It's certainly fleshed out more from the original version. However, I'm not...really sure what's going on. I kept expecting Grimes to be Quirk in disguise, but maybe he has a larger part later? Grimes has almost no lines or personality, so I'm not sure what his part in the story is. I had to check back in the last chapter to make sure that was even an assignment Toni gave. It takes up a lot of the chapter, when I was more interested in the drop. Maybe some more discussion with Grimes might flesh things out, or a couple sentences to rehash the objective, though that part might be WRS. Notes while reading: pg 5: "Banana Tie’s gaze " --I think this needs to be signaled better. I remembered there was a yellow tie, but had to go back and read to make sure it was the same person. Might want to include "banana" in the first description. pg 6: "they had established on the train that she was going on a weekly visit" --Hmm...I'd like to see the dialogue for this. Mr Grimes hasn't said much the whole time, and it would be good to see Moth's attitude toward him while he tried to figure out where he's going. pg 6: "casual condescension" --Is this talking about the pine scent, or that Grimes messed up his Italian? Not sure what the condescension is referring to. pg 7: "It was less than an hour since she had watched him enter the station toilet. There had been no proper amount of time to hold a discussion, even if she’d wanted to." --I mean, yes, it's Italy, but you can still get in a lot of talking in an hour... pg 10: "She had appled© ‘emancipation’ on her last birthday" --do what? Applied? (EDIT: Oh, I see EOTFP above got it. Eh, I don't really see Apple as taking over in that capacity, but I suppose anything could happen.)

Thanks @Ernei! Yes, I had other comments about not seeing an arc in this chapter. I'll need to spruce it up with something. Thanks for identifying the confusing and boring parts--that will help me a lot in editing this!

Thanks @Robinski! Good comments as always. Huh--never thought about that, but good point. Also good points on the alley. It's supposed to be a dead end, but I don't think I ever said that. I can give some more description.

Hello all, Here is chapter 4, dealing with the Council of the Maji Previously: Ch1: Sam gets very cold, loses his aunt, and gets sucked through a hole Ch2: Sam has a big freakout at the new world he's in, meets a strange alien Ch3: Origon is baffled by Earth, Sam has a trip through the Imperium Looking for: -Connection to the characters -are you interested in the story and different POVs? -anything else you see

Thanks to @rdpulfer! Anyone else?

I'll put my name in for the 5th place, unless someone else really wants to go. Then I can drop back a week.

Similar thoughts to @kaisa. It does read better, and Stephain is more sympathetic, but I think we lose something with Lillian. Nessian I still don't have much feeling for. She seems a rather blah villain. End of pg 1: there's still a lot of infodump here, telling the reader how valuable the twin-born are and how they can communicate. it would be nice to see this through dialogue or actions. pg 3: "Your idealism is commendable; however, you forget they take advantage of their own. They use the very energy they supply us." --There's a lot of Maid and Butler here, explaining what the characters already know. Pg 4: was also sort of surprised with the "arms under the breasts" line. Honestly, I'd just remove it at this point. pg 11: "We'll be out of your hair in no time" --uh...they wouldn't be using this phrase. They just had a big conversation about how they don't know what hair is.

Ah. Moth. I'm still a little stuck on how old she is. I would guess middle/late teens? Though she's still growing and hasn't passed the madre in height, so that makes me think early teens. Some hint would help settle it, but her personality still tends older. The backstory is a little trite, I think. Sort of odd that it's a mob family, and sticking troublesome females in a convent is an option in 2099, considering I don't think it's one today. I would almost prefer some futuristic convent/prison hybrid if that's how Moth and her aunt are treated. I'm noticing the difference in time between this and the last chapter. I assume this happens before, maybe even days before, as the folder wouldn't be sitting in the trash for a while before Moth picks it up. is there any reason why this comes after the Quirk chapter? The style, as usual, is easy to read, and I'm definitely looking forward to more! Notes while reading: pg 1: "Swedes" --had to look this up. Like a turnip/rutabega. pg 4: "Moth gaped in surprise. Her mentor was crying. " --Not sure which one of the sisters this is. Giulia? Unclear from the paragraph above. --ok, you mention Giulia's her aunt a few sentences on. So probably yes, she's the mentor. Maybe better to state the relation first? pg 5: "He didn’t even say ‘hello’" --Lol pg 6: "ask for a massage at 2pm today, on the dot" --this seems..strange. Not related to a restaurant. Wouldn't a less suspicious code be something like "I don't like pickles?" pg 7: the transition from aunt and mother dancing around to Moth's parents being killed seems overly black/white. I suspect Moth is unreliable, but I also don't believe she believes that. pg 8: Android in a convent: cool pg 11: "“Niceties aside, your case officer and I..." This is odd coming right after the madre is telling her to relax. Seems like I'm missing a couple bits of conversation. Also "you’re" -> "your" pg 12: "I said I would ask..." --Confused here. ask about what? What does this have to do with assuming an heiress?

Hello all, Here is chapter 3, half of which is from Origon's POV. Previously: Ch1: Sam gets very cold, loses his aunt, and gets sucked through a hole Ch2: Sam has a big freakout at the new world he's in, meets a strange alien Looking for: -Does the worldbuilding work, is it too descriptive? -Connection to the characters -How is the arc of the chapter? -Anything else you see

Looking forward to more updates!

@Hobbit yes, more agency would help. I'll see what I can do. I'm sort of experimenting with Sam in this story as a non-traditional masculine non-alpha personality. The anxiety is one part of that, which takes away some of his agency. There are other things as well, which will become apparent in later chapters.

It's more the way he says it. I got the feeling that he might know what is bothering him, but wasn't saying. Not much, honestly. You describe a ball, and maybe sparks? I don't know what magic is used for (offensive, defense, knowledge gathering, lightshows, etc) or why Raist is ashamed of it, so I don't know how to classify what I'm seeing. I'd agree with @kaisa on the prologue bit. If these characters don't come in until much later, I want to see what the main story is. I didn't really get any important events out of this one, except that some archaeologists woke up a ghost. If the ghost is haunting your character the whole story, then it's important (though you could probably show in the story, rather than a prologue). If not, I'd rather just get to the first chapter.

Great feedback @Hobbit thanks very much! The thoughts on anxiety are especially helpful. I'm learning more and more about it as different people read this (and also finding that I have a general lack of anxiety, or maybe just don't deal with it like other people). This is exactly what I need to focus on. Yeah, I can see how this is a problem. I'll see if I can adjust. I'm feeling this as well, even in later chapters. Any thoughts on helping him to age up a bit (17-18 ish)?

Thanks @M.Puddles! Good feedback and line edits. Glad you're still interested in the story. Some good suggestions on how to include more detail for the house in the first chapter. I'll work on that.

Throwing my name in for next week.

My thoughts exactly! Notes written below, before I read through the comments. Same general comments as @kaisa. Overall, I think the has the seeds of a good story, but there's a lot of extra text, along with missing periods, commas, and quotation marks. Your start of action is probably when they find the carvings and Raist touches the symbol, but this is halfway through the chapter. I think it would be easy to cut this down by half or more and it would be a lot snappier. Notes as I read Pg 1: First sentence is pretty long and clunky. Not sure how the motes are covering him in regret. After that a page or so of desccription about a temple. Don't really care yet. There's been no action. pg 2: "I understand that your Grace,” --that, your pg 3: Still don't know what's going on, except that Raist is annoyed with Paynaud. Are they doing some sort of archaeological site excavation? pg 3: "There was something about this particular tunnel that made the hairs on his arms stand on their end. I’ll leave it unless it becomes absolutely necessary." --I'd rather know what it is, so I get a sense of what's happening. pg 4: "With quiet resignation, Raist considered the wooden slats " --We're on page 4 and Raist hasn't actually moved. No hook yet. pg 5: “This is it. I’ve done it,” --done what? I have no idea what's going on. pg 5: "the hidden doorway" --I thought it was just boarded over? pg 6: "There was something about the wall that bothered him" --again, you're not telling me what the hook is. Why is Raist freaked out? pg 7: weird change from double space to single space. pg 7: "he saw light scurry across the surface like a small lizard, wary of the light" --the light is afraid of the light? pg 8: lots of description of the carvings. Not sure what significance they have. Were they looking for something like this? pg 8: "A shudder climbed Raist’s spine, and the urge to leave intensified again." --Why? You keep telling us Raist is scared, but there's been nothing tosupport that. pg 9: "when we finally find what I’ve been searching for" --So they were looking for the carvings? Confused. pg 10: "Raist looked back toward the entrance and hoped his Master would leave it at that." --There's obviously something more to Raist vs. his incompetent master, but you keep not telling us, and we're in his POV. sort of frustrating. pg 11: I like the flame eating up the dust. I was waiting for something like that to happen. pg 12: “ I don’t think we should be here, your Grace.” --WHY pg 13: "chest of giant’s corpse may have been." --I thought they were looking at a closed sarcophagus? How do they know there's a giant corpse? Also, missing a word. pg 14: "I didn’t show you for the sake of conversation.” --don't know what this means. pg 15: this is the second time you've mentioned his magic and that he doesn't want to use it. At this point I want to know something about it. I don't even know what magic is in this world. pg 17: "With a grunt, Raist summoned his magic," --oh finally. "giant ball sparked to life" --Sooo his magic is a ball of...what? pg 19: "He glanced at his torch and knew he'd try it first even as the amorphous entity changed." --There's a lot of extraneous lines in here. Sentences like the above can probably be cut completely. pg 19: "Raist saw his magic push..." --"His magic" is a pretty vague term. It's not descriptive and I don't know what it does.

Hoo boy, I snorted out loud at this one. I think @kaisa and I reading this the same way. I'm of the same opinion. So...I'm not sure what your intention is, but I think this story shows the problem in talking to people without an open mind. For me, Clara almost comes across as tragic, unable to change even when confronted with the facts of her existence. She tries to smother others in her blanket of false happiness, but then gets upset when they have their own opinions. I'm firmly on Dragon's side from the beginning, because I've been in that same position, minding my own business when someone decided I didn't look happy enough for them and came to "cheer me up," or "give me something else to do besides read." Regardless, it hasn't gone well. The magic coming at the end makes me think this is unfinished. For example, if you wanted to go the tragic side, Clara suddenly realizes there's magic, and she's missed her chance while being falsely happy, and never finds Dragon again. If you want to go for character change/upbeat, have Clara realize what she's been doing, find Dragon, and promise to listen to him/learn from him. pg 3: "Someone runs bumps into my chair from behind and I scoot forward a little." --extra word pg 3: "But I’m sorry, I’m talking too much." --Still a little put off by Clara's intrusion into Dragon's space. He invited her to sit down, when she asked, but he obviously wouldn't have started the conversation, and Clara keeps talking at him. Scooting his chair in signals some acceptance, but everything he says is a closing phrase rather than one that leaves it open for more questions. pg 6: "I glare at him. It’s none of his business." --Ha. But she's the one who barged in and started talking about children. pg 7: “But you do. You will. That’s why you came over here.” --yep, fully on Dragon's side again. pg 8: "It’s suddenly clear how little I know about this person." --again, she was the one who plopped down. I'm starting to wonder about her naivete. pg 8: "I should leave. This is creepy." --yep. pg 9: "“Well,” I say, determined not to leave him - but also determined not to date him" --Are those the only two choices? pg 10: "“You expect everything to be amazing,” he says." --yeah, I think this is my problem with Clara too. pg 13: "It’s completely full of jasmine tea." --You don't say earlier that Dragon's tea is Jasmine. Might have gotten edited out?

@Robinski thanks for the epigraph work - Every bti helps! @rdpulfer thanks! Glad the grief for Aunt Martha is coming across right. @kaisa Thanks for the multiple reads! Yes, I toned Aunt Martha down a bit. Everyone seemed to be getting a mystical vibe off her, where I was more implying a strong-willed old southern lady. I liked it too, but it was detracting from the main point of the chapter.