Mandamon

Thanks @industrialistDragon! Glad you're feeling better. This is mostly what I'm going for with this character, so I'm glad it's coming across. I don't necessarily need the reader to connect, per se, but I don't want them to get bored in his POV. So seems like it's working? Cool. Just what I want. Yeeeahhh...this is one of my biggest ongoing challenges. This will be the third published story, but the first two are novellas, so very short, whereas this one is a full novel, around 150k. So I both want readers who read the others to pick up the clues that tie to previous stories, as well as new readers to not get too confused. I wouldn't mind new readers on this book to say, "hey--I should read those other stories to get more background," but I also don't want new readers to be completely confused. It's a really hard balance, I'm finding. That said, it's invaluable for readers like you who haven't read the others to tell me where things get too dense and I need to explain more. Sooo...thanks and keep up the good work?

Hello all, This week is the rest of Ch 7--new stuff, and we get to meet some new characters. Previously: Ch1: Sam gets very cold, loses his aunt, and gets sucked through a hole. Ch2: Sam has a big freakout at the new world he's in, meets a strange alien. Ch3: Origon learns more about Sam. Ch4: Sam, on magic meds, sees the Imperium with Origon and Rilan. They dodge a protest against the maji and ride a tram to the Spire of the Maji. Ch5: Sam discovers how big the universe is and how far he is from home. Ch6: Origon argues with the Council about the Drains, and gets Sam as an apprentice. Ch7 Pt1: Rilan also gets an apprentice, unexpectedly. Looking for: -Is Sam's POV keeping your interest? -How does Rilan/ Ori's interaction read? -Anything else you see

Yep--I remember that one. I'll look back at this chapter and clean it up. Thanks for the other comments as well. @Robinski. I think I can polish this chapter up a bit. I promise I'll have new stuff next week for you (and it is bit different from what you read before). I'm working on Chapter 19 now (out of 30-something), and I'm trying to correct some of the things people bring up here in advance. Hopefully that means I'll have an entirely new set of problems!

I'd also like to submit on the 10th. I'll drop back if we get too many.

*tears at hair, gibbers* Actually, I will concede @Wisps of Aether's point. Either the travel needs to be cut down significantly to a montage of travel LOLs, or, it needs to be expanded into its own thing, helping to define Q and M's relationship, adding some plot elements, and requiring its own arc. Right now they're getting from A to B, and there are a few defining character moments, but nothing to put it into either bucket, which is where it starts to drag for me.

Looks similar to the previous version, so not too much to add. I do like M's development here, and if anything I want more. Since this is more of a "sequel" chapter than a "scene" chapter, there's a good chance to really delve into character here, explore M's past, and make a stronger connection with S being both uncomfortable and drawn to an old friend.

Some similar thoughts to @neongrey. You may have broken parts of these more once you started changing things. Flash fiction is hard to get right--I find it harder than short and medium-sized stories. "The man quickly" --This popped me out of the story, wondering if you were still talking about George. "Combat" - There's still not an arc to this story. It's one scene, when an a action happens. Does this change a setting, idea, character, or event in any way? If not, this is more a transcript of a sports recording than a story. "Food Chain" - So I actually liked the other version better. The adult killing the King of High School at least gave a sense of finality to the story, even if killing was too much. This version takes away from the story, making it more of a "scene" like the first entry. There's a sense of a resolution missing. "Who Wants to be Super" - The first paragraph is an infodump, which is even more of a turn off in flash fiction that in longer fiction. "You know we’ll get you soon" - We who? Who else is there but Johnathan? This one had a better arc than the first two, but suffers a bit from the melodrama and cliche between superhero and villain. Twister gives his surprise, but we don't get to see how this affects Johnathan. What does he think about this?

As usual, similar comment to @kais. Slow to ramp up and still traveling, and I'd like some more back-and-forth between Q and M. Glad we got to the titular sequence, but was also a little confused by the series of events, especially how it connects to the first italicized paragraph. Was C deciding to murder, or was he having an attack of some sort? The end was definitely a cliff-hanger, though at this point I'm ready to get going on the case. Definitely agree the last couple of chapters could be condensed to get to this point. a couple lines of arguing between M and Q could do as much for character building as their time in the space elevator. pg 119: does C think he's a doctor, or saying he knows how to fix things? Still not sure what the word is--referring to sex of some sort? pg 120, top of first full paragraph is a big run-on sentence. First chapter: Aha--so we've finally gotten to the reason for the title. I was pretty much expecting this to happen, so not a big surprise. I almost think it could come a little sooner in the story to help drive tension. pg 124-126: lots of thinky thoughts from Q. Starting to drain away any tension. pg 128: infodumpy on describing the dome. pg 129: "spit out my dummy" --not sure what this means. Comparing Q to a toddler? Second chapter: I want more sass from M! Have some points leading to what's coming, but still a lot of traveling and talking. pg 132: "He made a bee line for the red-head in the centre of the desk, which looked like polished grey stone," --at first I was wondering how the red-head looked like polished stone. pg 135: "an automatic door that seemed to favour some patrons better than others" --More than others? How? pg 134-136: lots of sitting around in the cafe... pg 137: "Q sighed and hoped they could get through this without M being obnoxious." --I'm hoping for the opposite... Good ending to the chapter--although I would think Q might insist on reading the contract before he signed, if he's done this so many times. Looking forward to finding out what's next!

Wow--take a look at the Hugo nominations for this year! http://www.tor.com/2017/04/04/2017-hugo-award-finalists-announced/#more-261832 Stats (from Patrick Nielsen Hayden) 3/4's of fiction by women 0/6 "Best Novel" finalists by white men 1/3 of fiction finalists by non-white 2/3 of "related works" by women 8/13 professional editor finalists are women 5/6 of Campbell finalists are women Looking forward to reading the ones I haven't yet.

Thanks all! @Eagle of the Forest Path Since you're connecting with Origon, what about him do you like? What would you like to see brought out more? Aheh--only the pointy bits. I'll have to see what you think in a couple more chapters, @kais. Some reasons are coming out slightly past where you've read. Probably could use some more emotion from Origon here. Feldo moves in mysterious ways...Though he's getting his own story after this book. He's going to start writing it for me if I don't get this thing finished up soon... Check! Will do. Glad you like them, @rdpulfer! Annoying Origon is one of my favorite pastimes.

General agreement with @kais, as usual. I also thought it was very slow to start. I had the same question on Thalan/Kathalania and whether he/she physically changed (was getting more of an "Orlando" vibe) when Savae talked about him being an errand boy. Pg 1: there's a whole lot of thinking and expositing on this page, and we don't get to the interaction with Ealis until the end of it. Pg 2: "need to why" missing word. Pg 3: good workup for Ealis getting into the senate, but I'm missing the motivation. Why does he need the senate seat? Maybe it's a WRS issue, especially since this is out of context. Pg 4: I like the spider silk writing. This gives a lot of clues to their culture, in a couple paragraphs. Pg 5: Got sort of lost in the religion discussion before when Kathalania changes to Thalan. Overall, I like that we're seeing more of Savae, but the chapter doesn't tie in that strongly to the rest of what I've read--that is, I don't feel that I missed much by not having this in there before. Though, if it's actually been a year, I may not be remembering correctly.

Hello all, A little bit awkward stop mid chapter this week. This is all of chapter 6, and the beginning of chapter 7, which used to be part of chapter 5, Rilan's POV. Previously: Ch1: Sam gets very cold, loses his aunt, and gets sucked through a hole Ch2: Sam has a big freakout at the new world he's in, meets a strange alien Ch3: Origon learns more about Sam Ch4: Sam, on magic meds, sees the Imperium with Origon and Rilan. They dodge a protest against the maji and ride a tram to the Spire of the Maji. Ch5: Sam discovers how big the universe is and how far he is from home. Looking for: -Connection with Origon as a character, in Ch 6? -Can you keep the councilmembers straight? -Connection with Rilan's character, in Ch 7? -Anything else you see

I'd like to do the 3rd as well, unless we have a whole bunch of people.

I took the lazy way out this time and did a Word compare to see differences between this and the one I already critiqued. Doesn't look like too much is different, but looks like the spots I noted are reading better. Like @aeromancer, I'm interested in learning more about the interplay between guilds, and how far they go in fighting each other. Losing appendages seems...extreme. How many years goes into becoming a master or grandmaster? That's a lot of knowledge and technique to lose over a fight.

Thanks to @kais and @Robinski! Aha--I'd been trying to think of other simple things Sam could reference. I'll see if I can work this in. I'll work on it. I waffled on this too. The columns are dispersed through the Nether, so not near the walls. But good point on the building. "Attached" is a better term than "hugging." Glad this is working better, and good catches on the rest of the chapter!

So...another travel chapter. I'm still waiting for something to happen. I think this and the last chapter could be edited into one by taking out the boring bits and keeping all the tension between Q&M. I feel like their voices are fading, losing the snappy dialogue that I loved at the start. First 2 pages are description before an dialogue/action. While I am a big fan of space elevators, perhaps move some of the description into dialogue or cut it. pg 99: "and the trace of wonder that remained made the most positive look she had ever given him." --clunky pg 99: "S-0778’s dark blond synthetic ones." --yeah--definitely need some android description before this point. I was not aware they were human enough to have hair. pg 99: "Their luggage, including carry-ons, had been uplifted " --The luggage now has sentience? O_o pg 99/100 the departure desk paragraph could probably be cut. We all know the drill. pg 100: "But no people, thought Q. Not even androids, it just made the whole place curiouser and curiouser." --why? I would think most places like this would be automated. end of pg 101/pg 102: lots of passive text here. I'd like to see M's outburst about the travel time. pg 103: lots of numbers and travel times. especially after the last chapter being travel oriented, this is starting to drag. pg 103: I bet were" --I bet you were pg 103: "cast that up" --what does this mean? pg 105: The bartering for the contract is a bit more interesting, but I'm still waiting for the other show to drop. Is something going to happen while they travel, or are we just going to watch them for the next week or so? pg 107: "you own body" --your own body pg 108: the android parts are more interesting to me than M&Q at this point. Might be WRS, but did we find out what Callan's condition is? pg 109: This section could be attached to another chapter easily. I don't think it adds anything here. pg 112: "Five, and you'll need to put your pen down" --umm...I think you switch from M to Q's POV here until the end of the section...I do like the contract, though. pg 114: "Uncle Toni said I was a director of like ten companies" --raised eyebrow. pg 116: "Q spent the next two hours recounting the details and progress of recent completed cases." --I think you might be spitballing at this point... pg 118: "“I try always to bring a young companion along who drives...with their...questions!!” " --This sort of comes out of nowhere. I'd like to see more of Q's internal frustration to get to this point. As @kais said, their interactions are the best part, and the only thing keeping me going at this point until we happen along some more plot somewhere. I feel like we have a sense of both M and Q's character by now, so I'd like to see how they bounce off obstacles.

Welcome to Reading Excuses! I have similar comments to the others. @industrialistDragon's point especially so, in that every word has to count in flash fiction. Combat: Names: We're in the man's head, but he doesn't have a name. This leads to less connection between the reader and the character Adverbs: especially in flash fiction, these are precious. Use too many (merely, quickly, instantly, etc) and it reads as wordy. 3rd paragraph is a bit too long and rambly Resolution: Even flash fiction should have a plot. This is a scene (woman scores a point against a man), but not yet a story. What happened to who and why? Food Chain: "he wasn’t out of danger yet" --This is vague. Danger of what? Why does he feel this way? We find out in a few sentences, but moving the threat earlier ramps the tension. “Again? Can’t you find someone else to rip off?” “No, you are the only fun target for me,” he lied. “You almost make it too easy.” --This is clunky. Why is it a lie? I'm not getting as much tension as I think I should. "if he had ‘collected’ enough " --Does he steal from just the King of the Middle School, or from all over? "A knife slid into his kidney" --Eh, I don't really find it believable that someone would murder a high school kid for lunch money. The consequences for murdering someone far outweigh pocket change. This one had a better plot arc than the first one, but I didn't feel much connection to the story. It was also a little jumpy. Things escalated from non-physical intimidation three times to murder, I think you could make something out of the second story, not so much from the first one. Good suggestions by the others on the repetition. That will make a story like this, dealing with bigger fish/smaller fish.

Hello all, Almost up to new stuff. Here is a new version of chapter 5, reorganized from the first time around. Sam confronts the loss of his home and how big the universe is, has some anxiety problems as usual. Previously: Ch1: Sam gets very cold, loses his aunt, and gets sucked through a hole Ch2: Sam has a big freakout at the new world he's in, meets a strange alien Ch3: Origon learns more about Sam Ch4: Sam, on magic meds, sees the Imperium with Origon and Rilan. They dodge a protest against the maji and ride a tram the rest of the way to the Spire of the Maji. Looking for: -Does Sam's anxiety work (as usual)? -Does this address Sam's separation from Earth successfully? -Do you feel more "in" Sam's head? -Anything else you see

@Robinski - that's amazing! I would love to see some experiments! Still need to read some Jack Vance...still haven't gotten around to it.

Throwing my name in for the 27th!

Contrary to @kaisa, I did enjoy the first scene a lot. And contrary to everyone else, it seems, I thought the whole ritual section was quite beautiful. I remember thinking that the last time around as well. The appearance of the two gods was (if I remember) even better than last time. Lasila: She's much more interesting this time now she has a profession and some goals, but still pretty vanilla. Again, I agree with kaisa that the other side characters are more interesting. I'm much more invested in Savae, and even in Illuya. Lasila is basically a conduit to enjoy the story, but I don't have a really clear sense of her character arc, except to "gain power." pg 2: "Fine. Let's go. The Lady would have her voice heard." --Not sure which Lady Savae is referring to. pg 4: "The mask this new god wears is silver and covers the whole of his face; where moonlight hits, it gleams red." --the mask or his face glows red? I assume mask... pg 4: "Maranthe knew about this, had expected it to happen." --not sure how Lasila came to that conclusion based on who volunteered a mask. Even if M was the first to accept the change, that doesn't mean she know about it beforehand. pg 5 :"Hmm? Oh, yes," says the goddess, taking her place back before the altar. "We mustn't get too far off track. It won't hurt anything that I gave the robe away, I don't think. But we are in the middle of a ritual, after all." --I like this section. Shows how much the goddess is playing along, appeasing the worshipers she loves. pg 7: "but it means that these other people forewent their chance to hear the words of a god." --confused. Does Savae think the gods didn't talk to anyone because they didn't talk to them? Looking forward to new chapters!

An interesting story. I thought the worldbuilding was good, if generic, but had some problems with the plot. Also, the POV seemed to switch in the middle from omniscient to limited 3rd, focusing on Rachel. Then it went back to omni at the end. The excuse that Destinare committed evil because he thought Rachel would hurt him is a little weak to me. Yes, he was too quick to action, but Rachel exploited it and her reputation to drive the situation. As for the town itself, I didn't see any indication that the inhabitants couldn't leave if they chose. If the question is either to live in a more efficient city or not, I don't see that as a big problem. Agree with @industrialistDragon that Destinare is a bit on the nose. You don't even need Latin to see that connection. Re: you explanation of the ending above, generally, my thought is, if you need to commit that big a paragraph to explain it, more of that information needs to go in the story. I also saw this is weak on the ending, because you never really asked or answered a question. This one would be good to apply the MICE quotient to and see what you're trying to address. Notes while reading: pg 1: Interesting--this is in 3rd omniscient? I like the way you use it to show how the driver and Rachel see each other. pg 2: I'm interested as to where Rachel comes from that haggling is such a large part of the culture--enough to see the minor differences here. pg 4: "She wished she could tell the difference, but that wasn’t within her powers" --Rachel seems to be a construct or robot of some sort? pg 4: "To her, lying was no different than telling the truth" --I would try to show this. pg 4: "She chewed carefully, but tasted nothing. As usual." --the "as usual" part makes me think that she has tasted something in the past. If that's not the case, you could probably cut it. pg 5: "I’m not so good at explaining things" --one too many "goods" pg 5: "Unconsciously, her expression shifted, becoming hawk-like" --since page 2, this has been limited POV from Rachel. If that's the case, she can't see her own face. pg 5: "The innkeeper had told her a group of scholars had spent two weeks watching the bustle to try and learn how Corromast did it." --Something is nagging me about this and I don't know what. The populace should have some opinions if they are part of the efficiency, maybe? pg 6: "Not that Rachel had intended to spot the urchin, of course, she just needed to make the attempt for the bait to work." --awkward. Also very coincidental that he shows up at that instant. pg 6: "Her brown eyes glowed, and shifted to greyscale, as did her vision of the world around her" --again, seeing things outside of Rachel's POV pg 7: "The effects are marginal..." --the next few paragraphs are infodumpy. How does Rachel know this? pg 8: "and four guards posed no threat whatsoever" --There have been several repetitions of this, and it's reducing the tension. It makes me care less about Rachel. pg 9: back to omni POV? pg 9, end: very infodumpy. pg 10: "I’m not sure why you call what I would do ‘killing’" --fairly simple...if she causes someone to die, that's killing. If not, she didn't. pg 11: "the wooden circle" --have we seen this before? pg 11: "twisting their destiny so that they’d always be fanatically loyal." --show, don't tell. pg 12: "The inn fell." --unneeded. pg 12: "His powers had protected him from the impact" --by controlling destiny? how? "Another moment or two, and he’d be able to restore the inn back before it fell" --confused. This sounds like controlling time, not destiny. pg 12: "host of an Order" --is this referring to Destinare? awkward. pg 13: "“Clever. The knife may have been mine..." --expositing...

Agreed! I can tell my writing has gotten better even in the few months I've been CPing with @kaisa

*gasp* Yeah, I struggle with this every time. I try to go back through what I wrote to make sure I didn't miss anything. I think the title of the story sets a precedent that's hard to shake off, despite the content.

I'm siding with @kaisa on this one. I'll agree the android was good, but aside from that, I was not as impressed or engaged with this selection. There's a lot of downtime, and a lot of very slow worldbuilding, some of which I feel like I know already. I'd much prefer to be over the flight and to Luna, rather than having nothing to do along with the characters for 7 hours. There also wasn't a strong arc here, which means the tension and engagement for me is very low. pg 2: Don't know if this is particularly relevant. We know the guy with the android testing is paralyzed. We know he wants to be in the new body. Not sure what else this adds. pg 4: "The girl stopped and caused a twenty-case pile up of people swerving to avoid her." --but they've got all the robo-trolley and upgrade stuff. I was assuming they were riding on one of those airport trams by now. pg 5: "vertigo that made Q’s feet feel squishy" --How does vertigo relate to the android? And what do squishy feel have to do with anything? pg 6: first sentence construction is awkward. pg 8: a bit too much dialogue and banter on this page. It's starting to slow the story down. pg 9: "What’s with the water" --Have you actually described an android anywhere (or is it WRS)? Are these more robotic,or smooth synthetic skin, or fully human looking? I figure there must be something to set them apart, as the androids are easily recognizable. pg 10: "After all, how badly could it go after the last one?" --Lol pg 9-11: There's a lot of plot setting here, which is slowing things down a lot. Seems like some of the information has already been covered. I think it's also that there are lots of incidentals in the conversation that don't really add anything. Lots of stopping to ask what's next. Probably could cut a fair bit and get to the meat of it faster. pg 11: "is there a cure?" --he's only thought of this now? pg 13: This whole chapter is...I don't know...languid almost, for all the rushing to get to the flight. It's ramping the tension down a lot from the fight with the assassin last chapter, and even the discussion about the poison doesn't help because we already know about it. I found my focus wandering while reading this. pg 14: Tension still draining away in the next chapter. Recapping the fight seems unnecessary. Phrases like this are what I mean: “So, 778, we’ve got seven hours, what would you like to talk about?” It gives a sense of lethargy to the story. All the preamble to "what are your assigned tasks" seems sort of fluffy. pg 15: probably don't need to quote the laws of robotics? pg 15: starting to skim this...philosophizing about the laws of robotics is nothing new, and there are entire series on this. I don't think it adds anything to this story. pg 16: "relaxation first dan" --eh? he's a blackbelt in relaxation? pg 17-18: still skimming. I'm not drawn in here. There's no objective or arc I can see. pg 19: the wordplay about making out in the bathroom is cute, but it's very passive voice, which takes away from the joke. pg 20: "After my ice-cream, I’ll change, then you can tell about this case we’re working on.” --some interest in where this is going, but too little, too late. pg 21: The "agree to hate each other" scene is a little on the nose for me. I'd much rather the two bicker with each other. This feels like a truce, and now the Q&M show is going to get boring because they're not actively trying to hinder each other. pg 22: "the ‘M’ word." --not sure what word this is. Sorry for the negative comments! I feel like there could be a lot more punch to these chapters to get them up to the same speed as the previous ones. As kaisa said, both Q and M's voices seemed different.