Mandamon

Hello all, Ch 11 this week. Sorry for being very long! Feel free to cut off at 5000 words if you want. Ramifications of the attack, and more unrest develops! This chapter also contains one of my favorite scenes... Previously: Ch1: Sam gets very cold, loses his aunt, and gets sucked through a hole. Ch2: Sam has a big freakout at the new world he's in, meets a strange alien. Ch3: Origon learns more about Sam. Ch4: Sam, on magic meds, sees the Imperium with Origon and Rilan. They dodge a protest against the maji and ride a tram to the Spire of the Maji. Ch5: Sam discovers how big the universe is and how far he is from home. Ch6: Origon argues with the Council about the Drains, and gets Sam as an apprentice. Ch7: Rilan also gets an apprentice, Sam learns about magic and girls, and politics loom. Ch8: Rilan is in a session of the Assembly where a faction of one species is attempting to withdraw. Sam has his first lunch in the Nether with friends Ch9: The Assembly debates about the secession, the Aridori, and the Drains. Sam learns about the Aridori and his new friends. Ch10: Origon learns about another Drain, and Sam gets comfortable in the Nether, only to be attacked by a mob while out with his new friends Looking for: -Nothing in particular...

Putting my name out for next Monday the 8th.

Thanks to @Robinski and @rdpulfer for feedback and all the great catches. Yeah, I've had some problems with this while writing. "Young man/woman" seems to work for the older folks talking to the apprentices, but I'm not sure what to use when looking at someone around the same age as the character (17/18 ish). We might say "a guy" or "a friend of mine." I picked "man" as (I think) we tend to age ourselves up. Dunno--how did you think of, say, college friends?

Exactly. This is what I felt was missing. A good scientist POV is Prax in the 3rd expanse book. it's still heavy SciFi, so same sort of story, but we get in his head and his feelings even when he's calculating and analyzing situations. Agree as well. If that's a basic fact of life in this universe, I'd let the reader know.

I like the start of this story--a cool colonist/research/scifi setting. That said, my biggest problem is that there is a lot of passive voice and "hads" in the text. There's also little to no reaction from Laux to the many very stressful things that happen in this chapter, especially near the end where we see that many people are hurt. Notes while reading: pg 3: "they’d already lost two ships", "Lightning struck the ships repeatedly" --there's no reaction from Laux, and that combined with the passive voice makes this read very dry for a scene about ships exploding. You finally get to his reactions at the end of the page, after all the description, and it feels like an afterthought. pg 5: "With herculean effort" --I'd like to see what this takes. How did the pilots save the ship? All this is still very passive and detatched from what should be a harrowing landing. pg 5: "He decided he didn’t have the energy to be worried..." --I'm not sure that's his choice... pg 6: “There! Help her!” --suddenly, we're a lot more in Laux's POV. This is good, but jarring compared to the first half. pg 7: "Tell him you’ve got a punctured artery and severe blood loss, and get synthetic banks for transfusion.” --Is Laux a doctor? pg 8: "a deep voice that came crackling over comms. “I see you’ve made it as well, Nate.” --Is the voice talking to Laux? Why is it over a speaker? Are they wearing environment suits? pg 8: "his sleek helmet visor" --ah, I guess so. pg 8: “What do you think - whose was it?” --they seem awfully jolly for losing part of their crew and nearly crashing. pg 10: "but he gathered enough to know that they weren’t at all pleased about the start of the expedition" --I would think that was fairly obvious. A few sentences later, Laux is surprised by the number of people hurt, but still has no real reaction. Did he know they? Does he have any feelings about injured and dead crewmates?

I'm feeling the plot start to wind up, and still enjoying the story. Have a little trouble with the deception of Q working with the investigator and what exactly the company's aims are. I think clearing up the description in the last submission will help. M has been pretty much absent for the latter half of the story. She waltzes on stage for a few minutes here and there, and I enjoy the Q&M banter, but Q basically puts her back in her room after that. She almost seems redundant with Ma (down to even the same starting letter), minus the sexual connotations. Since she's been out of the picture so much, Q's blowup in this submissions seems very sudden. The Cal section at the end is relaxing, and I like that he finds some measure of peace while waiting, but he also seems a lot more mental stable than the last entry. Seems sort of inconsistent. Notes While reading: pg 205: a lot of this comes as narrator voice, rather than Q POV. pg 207: "They should call you Cliché.” --lol pg 207: Which is the young operative? You say there's two, and then only have one of them doing things (I think). pg 208: Getting confused with the parenthesised operatives. Not sure if they're supposed to be different, or different descriptors for the same person, or what. pg 209: “That must be a week,” --What's a week? The android was standing around for a week? I think we need some more blocking of what the androids are doing. pg 209: “And no, it’s going around in circles. It’s just one day.” --that makes more sense, but don't know why Q would think it was a week. pg 210: I like that Q and M are back to bickering, but that blowup is sudden! Q hasn't done that to her before. pg 211: "He moves too quietly to be straight." --Eh? pg 213: “I was away less than an hour,” whispered Ma., “but it seems to have been long enough for you to mess this up.” --Still not sold on the corporation sending Q out as a diversion. Seems any competent investigator, especially one that already knew what was happening, would start turning up evidence like this. pg 214: "whose voice suddenly close to his ear made Quirk start a little." --well, she must not be straight either... ;-) pg 217: "when to break away from the inspection party, and how to get to the Geocorp yard and depository" --Ah, this is why C is leaving the dome. Might need to make this clearer earlier. pg 220: The Q/Ma banter is better than last time, leading to later relations... pg 221: "He reached for the lapel of the Merrion then to pat its pockets, but the suit wasn’t there. That was the moment when he’d left her. " --not completely following this. pg 225: "Two of the big expedition trucks peeled away to the west towards the crater wall, but they turned east." --*Then* turned east?

Hello all, Ch 10 this week, in which we learn more about Drains and the Aridori Previously: Ch1: Sam gets very cold, loses his aunt, and gets sucked through a hole. Ch2: Sam has a big freakout at the new world he's in, meets a strange alien. Ch3: Origon learns more about Sam. Ch4: Sam, on magic meds, sees the Imperium with Origon and Rilan. They dodge a protest against the maji and ride a tram to the Spire of the Maji. Ch5: Sam discovers how big the universe is and how far he is from home. Ch6: Origon argues with the Council about the Drains, and gets Sam as an apprentice. Ch7: Rilan also gets an apprentice, Sam learns about magic and girls, and politics loom. Ch8: Rilan is in a session of the Assembly where a faction of one species is attempting to withdraw. Sam has his first lunch in the Nether with friends Ch9: The Assembly debates about the secession, the Aridori, and the Drains. Sam learns about the Aridori and his new friends. Looking for: -Anything you see...

You seem to have lost a month, @Robinski! But I would also like a space on May 1st, if possible.

Thanks @Robinski and @rdpulfer for the feedback! I've mentioned them before, but I've had other readers confused. Might be some WRS, and I probably need to explain the idea of Systems more. I'll work on this. I'll look into this. Juggling info from previous books into this novel is hard! Yeah, Phillip was a late add, and I'm not totally satisfied with him as filling out Sam's earlier relationships. Might need to move this earlier in the book to make it clearer. Seems like you bounced off most of this section. Was his inclination to both twins clear, or did it read as only same-sex attraction? I continually have a problem with not painting enough beings milling around while the characters move through the Imperium. I'll address that next draft. ...I'll have to hide this infodump better... Those are meant to mean the same thing--the dresser is politely saying his clothes are crap, but the cloth is nice. I'l adjust Yeah, this got a bit twee as I wrote it. May have to dial it back. Well, this is surely due another round of edits! Thank you, Lieutenant Pedant, for all the catches, and the Scottish lesson--I'll work on incorporating them.

Generally agree with @Robinski (per contract). Glad to see some action, but I also thought L's response was a bit unprofessional. I'll second the warning against having too many female caricatures without some solid personalities. This does start to develop L as competent, but she ends up solving the symptom, not the cause of the curse. Does she have any thoughts about what else might be required to actually solve the case? Notes while reading: pg 1: "With her patron perched atop her brand-new, blue, prefecture-issue palla" --this sounds cool but I have no idea what it means. I can only imagine Probitus is sitting on her umbrella or something. "His eyes barely flickered to the Dhé gracing her shoulder" --Ah. patron demon, not patron employer. I assume palla is a robe of some sort? pg 1: "She made it all the way out of the quaestor’s offices before she couldn’t hold it anymore and her face relaxed into a wide smile." --So...she's happy about it? the lips tightening and strained voice make me think this was a crap assignment. Or is she suppressing laughter? pg 2: "she doubted they were inherently sloppier than patricians. They should be less so, logically speaking, since a large portion of patrician homes were cleaned by pleb servants" --meaning plebs clean for the patricians, so are good at it and do it all the time? I get that L is biased, but this logic isn't even sound. pg 3: "was no reasonable way to take" --missing a word? pg 5: "How are you two still married? Char my bones, just get a divorce already" --Just to note, so far we've had a caricature of a grotesque landlady, and a caricature of an abusive, shrewish wife. Just be aware of what tropes you are calling forth.

Agree with @Eagle of the Forest Path that Ch 21 is an abrupt cutoff. You could probably move some of the next chapter over to clear up that M is supposed to be the dead man. I got very confused again in the second part with what Q was supposed to be doing, if the company already knew everything. Seems like a too-elaborate setup. Glad we also get some explanation for why C is getting worse. I'll second the phone messages were great. Need more M! Notes while reading: pg 181: "But, while C was concerned about someone noticing its behaviour, he certainly had not been hiding, he had been doing what he did best, digging." --Awkward sentence, also the part about not hiding seems to contradict that he was nervous about someone noticing the android. pg 182: "And the man in the Russian sector" --Eh? Who's this? pg 183: "No more, no more, no more. I hereby dedicate myself to bringing your kingdom down" --I don't feel like C has a definite objective from what we've seen so far. Now he seems very on task, which is good, but would have liked to see this sort of thing a lot sooner. pg 184: “You are not modern man, are you Mr. Quirk?" --I'm...not sure what this means. pg 187: "He was tall, red-haired and the closest thing to an android that Q had ever seen in human form" --lol pg 187: The chapter cuts off pretty abruptly. I was expecting more to the meeting. Oh, wait...wasn't Dr. M the one C murdered? That would be a snappier ending, save WRS. Does Q know he was the one murdered? pg 188: "taking a few moments to bed into" --Settle into? do you mean to "get comfortable in the new android body?" pg 189: This syRenTM was destined for the Reception Dome and from there to the Transport Hub, it was returning to Earth as it was defective and subject to a factory recall." --Should be two sentences. pg 190: "He felt himself slipping, slipping, slipping, and then he was whole again" --I didn't feel much tension here, mainly because I had no idea changing androids was slow and/or a danger. I don't have much (any) sympathy for C, so that reduces how much I care if he gets injured. pg 190: "a fat, aging miner of limited wealth" --I think this is first time we've had any description of C physically. pg 190: I was actually thinking the accident would lead C to control two androids. A little disappointing he didn't. Also, what happened with the time disjoint? Seems like there should be more explanation, though maybe we get to it later? pg 191: "Except it wasn’t Dr. M, because Q had seen M’s personnel file" --ok, so he does have a surprised revelation. Might be better to have some of this before the chapter break. I don't think the end of the last section had enough impact. also, what makes Q think this person isn't organized? pg 191: "“Hi, Pop,” drawled Paulson," --This is a weird intro. We've had enough names go by that I've already forgotten who Paulson is. "brutal ursine eyes" --Ah, bear-face guy. pg 192: "But why not meet Mills somewhere? Why not use droid messenger?”" --Wait, what are we talking about here? Where did the drug plotline come from vs. the murder investigation? Starting to lose the thread of the story. pg 192: "the numbers were not those that he and Eight had seen in Moth’s image of the desk." --er, completely confused by the point. May be WRS, but I have no idea what's going on. pg 193: “You’re welcome,” said Davvid Paulson coldly to Quirk" --still confused. Q is looking for C. How are they throwing the police off the scent? pg 194: "fake list" --what were the codes for? Why is there a fake list? Very confused. I think WRS may be worse than usual. pg 194: “Reconfirm your NDA first, Mr. Q" --Why would you need to reconfirm a contract? You sign it once and it's available as evidence if you breach it. pg 195: "“And who’s this guy?” he waved a hand towards pseudo-Mills." --oh, I assumed he was an android of some sort, or they had saved M's consciousness. pg 195: "more than a couple of dozen sub-200s " --Which I assume is why C blipped in that other android? pg 195: "“Plausible deniability,” said Paulson." --really? Sort of a letdown. pg 196: “A patsy? You’re kidding me.” --Soooo...they're going to pin a murder on Q? or a drug ring? Seems unnecessarily complex. pg 197: need more dialogue tags on this page. I'm not sure who's talking. pg 198: Sooo...the police are letting Q wander around, investigating AndroCon's case, even though they just told him it was a setup? If I was Q, I'd be getting the heck off of Luna right now. pg 200: Not sure what the last section adds.

Hello all, Slightly longer this week as well. Ch 9 is Politics and Lunch pt 2. Previously: Ch1: Sam gets very cold, loses his aunt, and gets sucked through a hole. Ch2: Sam has a big freakout at the new world he's in, meets a strange alien. Ch3: Origon learns more about Sam. Ch4: Sam, on magic meds, sees the Imperium with Origon and Rilan. They dodge a protest against the maji and ride a tram to the Spire of the Maji. Ch5: Sam discovers how big the universe is and how far he is from home. Ch6: Origon argues with the Council about the Drains, and gets Sam as an apprentice. Ch7: Rilan also gets an apprentice, Sam learns about magic and girls, and politics loom. Ch8: Rilan is in a session of the Assembly where a faction of one species is attempting to withdraw. Sam has his first lunch in the Nether with friends Looking for: -This is a continuation of the threads in the last chapter. Is it too much? -Is the political stuff understandable/interesting? -How do the Sam/group dynamics work? -Anything else you see

Sooo....assuming the Re forum doesn't come crashing down between now and then, I'd like to submit next week.

We've had this "Lounge" thread for a little over a year now. This was the original text that started it. Before that, the forum was generally more on-topic, relating only to critiquing others writing samples. Notice, the original intent for this thread was to chat about writing-related topics that didn't precisely fit into a critique of someone else's work. In recent months, and especially with political climates the world over, the nature of this thread has changed. However, I'd remind everyone that we are still a writing critiquing forum, and the purpose is to have fair dialogue on the submitted writing samples. If it is needed to keep this forum civil, then I'd ask @Silk to close this thread to remove the temptation for our group to get (far) off topic. @Silk, I'd also ask that you add something to the "Welcome to Reading Excuses" thread about being respectful to others and not criticizing belief/gender/sexual orientation/race/etc. We've managed to go for 5 years or so without expressly noting this. I would like to think that's obvious, but evidently not. We've (largely) moderated ourselves to this point, but that also seems not to be working. Do we need to start flagging posts so moderators step in? I hope that's not the case, but if needed, I will be the first to start. Hopefully we can continue to be respectful to our fellow writers.

I think the new ending to the chapter is better, and has more tension. Interested to see where this goes! However, I still have a problem with how easily the townsfolk are incited to violence. Is it WRS, or is the only sign that S might be a witch that S appeared in the guild? There weren't any other affects? For whole town to go from zero to "burn the Royal Daughter" seems a bit much without more provocation. pg 1: "Her sibling hadn’t shown up, and we’d left the guildhall laughing to tears" --Not sure what this means pg 3: "Magic swords! They could have been made another way" --ok, so actually turning women's skills into a magic weapon? Were the women witches, or just any woman? pg 4: "where women and yes, even some men, were trained, skilled, and then all of those abilities taken from them " --need clarity on what skills: magic? martial? pg 5: “What?” I called up, although I was too far from M for her to hear me." --Did S not hear? If so, then why was the previous dialogue reported? pg 7: "The guilders had been laughing just minutes before" --had they? pg 7: "All held wooden torches. Some had drawn swords or boning knives. A woman in the very back held a thick length of rope." --there's a difference between not liking someone, and wanting to lynch them. What exactly is the reason for the townsfolk gathering? That S appeared in the guild? In this version (I think) that's the only indication that S might be a witch. pg 8: "A child threw a knife." --They grow them mean up in Sorpsi, and strong. Agree with @Robinski that it's unlikely a child can bring down a horse. bottom of pg 10: repetition of "forms" pg 13: A trail of magic or a trail of…magic? Alchemy? --should the second "magic" be deleted?

Thanks @Ernei, @kais, @industrialistDragon, and @Robinski! Yep--pretty much pronounced as its spelled. I've never had a problem with it, but I made it up. Good point @Ernei. I'll see if I can update this a bit. This is the hardest part for me for this chapter. I'll keep working on it. Yep, seems pretty universal. There are several key concepts in here that build up some of the tension later, but I've struggled to get it across. It's hard to make a political scene exciting. I'll keep at it! Annnd...this is the other side of the problem. I feel like if I expand on this, it'll get even more boring, but I want to get the information on species interaction across. It's both. These threads continue next chapter. I'm pretty sure both of these are a lot clearer for reading Merchants and Maji. It's one of those parts where I'm not sure whether to leave it, or add more info at the cost of boring folks who've read the other stories. As long as you get that Naiyul=familyless, that's all you really need to know, I think. Ah, yes, It's just one faction, but a very vocal minority (think hard right conservatives), so the scare is they will lead others into secession. I'll try to make that clearer. Yeah, might help. I'll look into it. Aheh--we'll see what everyone thinks... I really want this to be so as well, but timeline and plot don't add up ;-( You are free to imagine fanfic, however...

Similar thoughts to @kais and @Eagle of the Forest Path on this one. I was confused in several parts. These chapters seemed very jumpy, for some reason. I didn't always follow the logic, and I'm still very confused at Ma. propositioning Q. C's character continues to elude me as well. Do you have his particular mental issues pinned down? Right now they read as all over the place. Interested to see what happens with the cops, but I think this section needs to be shored up a little to make sure the plot is heading in one direction. pg 161: "He came to a shop opposite which, along a wood-effect wall, were ten fold-down chairs three of which were occupied by androids charging, their violet eyes dull, staring straight ahead. " --had to read this sentence several times. pg 162: "He only just now saw the scale of it" --Actually seeing it, or thinking it? He is searching on the internet... pg 165: "Unless, unless, unless… Unless there was a better way" --This is a 180 turnaround from what C was just thinking. Seemed like he was intent on killing people. pg 166/167: Not completely following the reasoning with the numbers and what Q is missing. pg 170: “I’ve been on the Moon a long time..., but there’s no one I’ve been able to open up to.” --Eh? This is weird. I can only assume Ma. is trying to get him arrested? Honestly, I'm surprised he didn't see through it. pg 175: “Calm down, Q, sort your head out. You think I did that?" --So Ma. actually came on to him that awkwardly in the middle of a crime scene? Really? pg 176: the dialogue here is getting pretty explainy.

Hello all, Apologies, slightly long this week. Ch 8 covers Politics and Lunch. Previously: Ch1: Sam gets very cold, loses his aunt, and gets sucked through a hole. Ch2: Sam has a big freakout at the new world he's in, meets a strange alien. Ch3: Origon learns more about Sam. Ch4: Sam, on magic meds, sees the Imperium with Origon and Rilan. They dodge a protest against the maji and ride a tram to the Spire of the Maji. Ch5: Sam discovers how big the universe is and how far he is from home. Ch6: Origon argues with the Council about the Drains, and gets Sam as an apprentice. Ch7: Rilan also gets an apprentice, Sam learns about magic and girls, and politics loom. Looking for: -Is the political stuff understandable/interesting? -How do the Sam/group dynamics work? -Anything else you see

Hey, yeah, I should do that too. The 17th for me, if possible.

Thanks, @industrialistDragon! I just cannot spell that word... Eh--it's mostly this, some animosity. There's more on this in another few chapters Now you've got me thinking about (another) spin off novella...

Thanks everyone - great feedback! @Eagle of the Forest Path he originally was, so I'll try to correct this. Ugh--I try to catch these. Cycles are Nether "years" standard for everyone. Years are specific to planets, and used by Sam, who doesn't know better. No, I haven't explained it ;-) Thanks for the comments, @Wisps of Aether, and glad you're invested. That's a good sign. Sam is 17-18, so I think you're getting the right impression of his age. Well that's a great compliment, thank you. I can't promise that the rest of SF is as good as @Mandamon and me though Lol--I can think of a few that might rival the two of us... Thanks for reading again @kais! Glad it's smoother. The "Councilor" thing is another perennial problem. Trying to catch all those as i read through. @Robinski - good catches. I will fix those sections today. In this version, a lot of the early Symphony description got pushed back. I'd like to have more of it as well, so I'll see if I can fit it in. There's definitely a lot more in the second half. Pacing is also quite a bit different than what you read several years ago, with changes to Sam's character. I'll probably leave it for the next edit, to see how the whole thing looks when I finish this draft.

Lots of changes to this one! I have to say I think I like the earlier version I read better...S was more proactive in that one, I thought. Notes while reading: pg 1: The whole section with the "impractical cleavage" seems slightly off. Is that not something that happens when women show off in this world? Or is S so insulated that S doesn't know this is a thing? I'm not saying it isn't impractical, just that the busty serving woman is already a trope, so trying to explain it seems weird. pg 2: "Have you see the Royal Daughter " --seen pg 4: I'm still not completely sure why the note addresses S as a carpenter. pg 6: If you're still looking for things to cut, I haven't really seen much impact from S investigating the miniature house. pg 10: "It was just a witch" --I'd still maintain that unknown magical forces could be something to fear, especially when used against you. pg 11: “Why? Let’s have a discussion" --I like that S tries to talk through someone magicing at S. pg 12: Aw--I liked S throwing the powders at the witch. Seems like that got cut? S was at least doing something proactive to get out of the situation. pg 15: "Still learning the basics, as you can see." --this doesn't quite work--I don't think a basic tenet of alchemy is invisibility or appearing out of nowhere. The trappers do call M on it, though. pg 15: M telling S to trip doesn't make a lot of sense--was it just to diffuse tension? Because now it leads directly into the insults the men call out, which makes M getting upset less effective. Not that the statements aren't bad, but M put S in a position where the men could easily give derogatory comments. pg 16: "Get yourself a good sword out of it." --Still not exactly sure what this means. I'm thinking it's sexual slang, but based on the comments about transfer of power, it could be an actual magical sword? pg 17: "Who was this witch, with my hair and my father’s eyes?" --The chapter as it is now doesn't really indicate the man is a witch. pg 18: "but Sameer" --The man also didn't give a name, so it's not as clear S is talking about the man. If S recognized the name, S should recognize the person on sight, right?

Generally similar thoughts to @kais and @Eagle of the Forest Path, though I seem to have taken a lot of notes. There's some good stuff in these chapter, some of which, I think, needs to come earlier to help set up the plot--mainly the scientific breakthrough and more information on Callan's specific type of mental instability. I wasn't really on board with the sex/torture scene, at least without a lot more buildup. I'm also feeling Q&M's banter is waning, and that was what drew me in with the first couple chapters. especially with the late information about the androids, their characters have been driving the story. Looking forward to the next submission! Notes while reading: pg 140: Ms. Quon picked up the sampling unit then closed her bag, stood quickly..." --Do Q&M know where to go to meet up with the legal officer? pg 140: "The light outside the cafe was low enough" --this is a sort of random interlude, between talking about the murder. It pops me out of the story. pg 140: "But if they’ve still got his body on life support…" --so I guess Q&M were filled in on everything. I for some reason think the company wouldn't tell them about such a new (assumedly proprietary) procedure. Yes, they signed an NDA, but working for a large company, I've seen that those still don't generate a lot of trust. Do they need to know this to track the android down? pg 141: "There’s obviously something big and science-y that’s preventing Androcon from coming clean, and I'm afraid we’ve signed up to keeping their secret." --this, in addition to the above comment. pg 141: "She looked up at him and, for the first time since he’d known her, Q couldn’t see her defiance" --what happened? Just because they've got a wierd case, now M goes all lethargic? She seems stronger than that. pg 142: "M didn’t even stick out her tongue as he left." --still not sure of M's sudden change. Is she just tired? pg 142: "He felt right at home in the office of Androcon’s Head of Research" --why? pg 143: "You don’t imagine correctly, Dr. Schuler" --ambiguous. Could mean that Q does or does not. pg 143: "‘Help me,’ it said. ‘Please, help me.’" --like, this was an entire month's report? Or this happened at the murder? pg 144: "He had reached the tipping point, but was leaning back from the edge." --not sure what this means. pg 144: "Take off your clothes, Mr. Q" --wait, what? pg 145: "why was Schuler giving him the breakthrough before the body search" --I don't understand why this is happening in an office at all. pg 146: "The enormity of Androcon’s discovery struck Quirk as the android’s touch returned from his feet to his scrotum. " --Really? It didn't search well enough the first time? pg 147: "there is the possibility that, if S-083 interfaces with another android, Callan’s consciousness could transfer from one machine to another" --Ok, this is the big thing. I feel like there's been some evasion on what was the Big Deal in this story. You might need more setup at the beginning to determine that the sensory feedback is nothing new. I thought that was also what was being tested on Callan, not just that his mind was uploaded. They're subtly different things, and if the difference is important, it needs to be clearer. pg 148: "Clearly, there was work ongoing there" --How does he know? pg 149: "What if they were searching for him" --I'd think, even he wasn't fully rational at the time, he'd know they'd come after him. pg 149: "as the days went by" --you've probably marked this in the chapter headings, but I haven't done the math. How many days are between the murder and Q getting to the moon? Might be good to spell out somewhere. pg 150: "he could use his old mining trick, and treat the space he could not see as a clock face" --Eh? Not sure what this is doing or how it works, even after the explanation. pg 151: "he had been inhabiting since the previous day" --So I guess he can switch bodies? "he could touch the outside and get tactile feedback," --this is very creepy. pg 152: "Callan took a pillow and pressed it down hard on the man’s face" --ugh. There's a difference between a mentally disturbed mining patient and a sex offender/murderer. When did C cross over? This comes up very suddenly. Before he was just confused. Now he's actively assaulting people. pg 153: "maybe more in the last twelve days" --aha-question answered. pg 154: "Please call him Callan, Eight.” --why is this distinction important? pg 154: "He couldn’t help smiling, but managed to keep it on the inside." --so was he smiling or not? pg 154: "compromising situation with their male and female androids" --worldbuilding question: if the androids are designed as fully human, with all "functions," then is it not commonplace for human/android sex? Otherwise, what's the purpose? We don't need our servants to look like us, and in fact generally don't prefer it (in most cases). pg 155: "Not black?” asked M. “It clashed with my ensemble,” Q sneered" --Love it. pg 155: PPF = ? pg 156: "Couldn’t you have asked for access when we met" --well, she didn't even tell them how to find the offices... pg 158: "His baby-blues narrowed in answer" --sort of out of POV for Q... pg 160: "leaving Q nonplussed" --Not a very strong end to the chapter. Also, why nonplussed? He should expect M to do irritating things.

Cool! Thanks @Eagle of the Forest Path. That tells me I'm on the right track with how I want to portray him. I may ask in later chapters if he's still consistent.

Overall, I liked these chapters better than the previous ones. A little bit of info dumping in Ch 4, but not too much. I've noted where I saw it. Looking forward to more! pg 1: "Remissus, a young woman of slightly above average height with in his wake." --something missing. Also, this makes it sound like Remissus is the young woman. pg 2: "Laurea Celsior was going to be harder to get rid of than he’d hoped" --don't know if Prob. has enough information to make this conclusion yet. Chapter 3: Nothing in particular stood out. We get some more insight on Prob's character, which is useful. At this length, it could either be a short chapter by itself, or tacked on to another chapter. pg 3: "achieve this crucial step in her grand plan," --Still not convinced on this plotline. it's trying to force a law enforcement career path plan to be exciting, and I can tell you from experience--career path planning is anything but. pg 3: "boom hit her right in the gut" --not familiar with this idiom. pg 3: "At graduation..." --this paragraph is more of the same. Lording it over academy classmates just makes L seem petty. If that's what you're going for, fine, but it makes her much less sympathetic. pg 3: "The higher one went in a spire, the higher the class of resident..." --I like this paragraph, but it's a bit of an infodump. It would be better to see the information given out a bit at a time, or in relation to something happening. pg 4: I like the landlady. Could be a bit over the top, but I still like it. pg 4 Mode of speaking: not sure which part you mean. The italics? I was fine with it--just seemed like the landlady was emphasising things. pg 6: Sea lamps: I like the detail. Could probably cut it down just a bit, but it didn't feel too infodumpy. pg 6: 1B. I think this is alright. pg 6: "However reduced her family might be at the moment, the Celsior family had once been great, and Laurea would see it great once more. If her plan worked; if she managed to convince Probitus Senector; if she…" --Now, this works a lot better as a Grand Plan. There's a meaning behind it and a reason for her working so hard. Having some of this earlier would help. Pg 7: I remember the description of Aelura from the last time around. Still love it. One bit of confusion: it says she was last summoned over 80 years ago. Meaning before just now, or has L had her "summoned" her whole life?