Mandamon

Lol--I'm editing Seeds, and I keep taking little breaks to write paragraph vignettes. So likely you'll have something next week!

Tarnation! I'm supposed to be editing Seeds, and now I'm writing a *completely different* story in my head...

I drive home from work and this is what happens! ...also I may have already been contemplating something like this... good lord...now I have to write this. I'm wondering what R would think about M too. No, @Robinski, she's not bosomed enough to attract M, so she'd definitely be all business at first. I think I'm with @kais. It would depend on the first impression, but I totally see M and R disparaging Earth customs together, laughing at Q's ridiculous suit, and then after a few drinks, R starts showing M how to do martial arts, M makes a comment about boobs, and R taps into the Symphony to make a few...ahem...biological changes.

This was fun! I thought Q was fairly true to form, though we'll have to see what @Robinski says. Seeing M from her own POV was very interesting. I think S tones her down a lot from her true coarseness! Was the sponge an Eiean? Fun Fact: After seeing the bar (and pole) Quirk took her to, Magda spent a sizable portion of Sorpsi's budget on stainless steel manufacturing, textiles that stretch, and invented several new guilds, where young women could learn flexibility and conditioning regimes.

It's cannon, now!

I have a similar reaction to @rdpulfer, @industrialistDragon, and @kais. I liked the general idea, and the magic crystals, but I didn't feel a lot of connection to the characters, and didn't have enough of a sense of the setting to know why I should care about anything. There's a lot of explanation for things, but then no reaction from H and A. Like Kias says, it seems more like the middle of a story than the beginning. Notes while reading: Goes too much into philosophical discussions on first couple pages. pg 2: “It’s not your fault that some people are too superstitious to buy glowing crystals." --At this point, I have no indication what sort of place this is, or what the tech level is. I'm guessing fantasy world. pg 3: "since apparently she was raised to lump some of the senses together to get five regular ones." --awkward, and a bit of an infodump pg 3: psyching or psychic? pg 3: "Yes, the militaries of the world used gates..." --this paragraph is very Maid and Butler pg 4: "can’t imagine that Xirans friendly.” --missing "are" pg 4: "Apparently, their transparent skin was supposed to feel like silk." --you've used "apparently" twice. It's a very vague word. pg 5: "He stepped out of the way of the first soldier’s spear" --did not catch that the soldier was this close. pg 5: "exactly what he expected to hear" --repetition Chapter 1: I'm not hooked yet. There's the sort of interesting thing with the crystals, and then random soldiers attack, but I don't have any reason to care. A lot of the first chapter is taken up with H and A bantering back and forth, which builds character, but doesn't really draw me in. pg 6: "You needed a general to invade a little town on the sea" --I don't have any connection to the town, so I still don't care that much. pg 6: "I just implied that I’m a Jasuran too." --I don't have any context for why this is important pg 7: "They probably want a Talented on their side" --I need more information on why that's a problem. pg 7: “You took us here as prisoners,” H said. “What makes you think that we want to join you?” --yep. I don't have a reason to be concerned for the characters. pg 8: "Don’t resist,” N said. “He wants you to fight back so that he has an excuse to do worse. Don’t let him get to you.” --I think this is why I'm not engaged. Everything is talked through, which slows the tension down. I also don't know a lot about what's happening or what the stakes are. pg 9: "What extreme times?" --this does not help the tension. H and A seem bored by everything. pg 9: "resisting the urge to knock over tables and chairs made of fancy, uneven wood." --I haven't gotten a lot of emotion from any of the characters, so this seems out of place. pg 10: “I’m glad that I still remember how to act scared, at least,” --this...none of the characters seem to care what's happening. pg 10: "“Oh,” A said, recoiling back. “The portal’s going to eat up the entire town.” --this is least reaction I've ever seen from the demise of a village.

This was a cool interlude. I was trying to remember the pieces you've submitted before, but it seems this was changed quite a bit anyway. My biggest problems were similar to @Wisps of Aether. The POV was not very tight, and seemed to switch in the middle. There also wasn't enough description to really know what was going on, especially whether the characters were moving around, and where they were standing. I thought the sound was described pretty well, but then there were some visuals inserted as well, which confused me. Can S only hear things, or does she take a sort of recording as well? Notes while reading: pg 1, 2nd PP: a bit too much description before getting to the action. pg 1: "you're repeating the same mistake that got me killed" --ok, interesting. pg 2: If they're sisters, wouldn't L know that S collects whispers? pg 3: "Hushed murmurs filled L ears." --oh, we're in L's POV? I thought we were in S's. However, I looked back and there's not really an indication either way. pg 4: "Wow, they look so weary" --They can see as well as hear? I thought it was just sounds. pg 4: "They're almost never holding any exams in these memories." --Does L know enough about the memories to tell? She's only just learned about them. pg 4: L rolled her eyes and didn't stop walking." --I thought they were standing still when S put her hands on L's ears. pg 5: "Neat, but that answer was too short for that to be a good question. I get another" --that's...strange. pg 5: "Your answers are terrible. One more" --This doesn't really add much...

So this was one of the best things ever. I loved the interplay between the characters. Yesssssss.... I would also read a book with them... So now we have an Ard in the Court of the Dyad and Mag on Earth? @kais, you're sending your characters all over the universe! pg 2: hustled -> hustling pg 3: "Certainly, she was pick-Q-up-and-carry-him-to-the-bedroom strong." --lol pg 3, latter half: getting a bit purple, but probably fitting, for this. pg 4: "The term powder room had rather different connotations in this part of the world." --of what? pg 5: "She’ll need first aid the way you’re looking at her.” --lol pg 6: "Must be one of the many candidate planets they were still discovering out Beta Centauri way." --nice pg 7: "Very reasonable rates, and you don’t have to sleep with me if you don’t want to. That’s an optional extra.” --this is awesome. pg 10: love the ending!

I had that same problem the last time it rolled around. But I only needed 2-3 more weeks on Fruits, so I did it anyway, knowing it would take a while for favorited agents to get back to me.

Thanks @kais! SFFPit had the most favorites for me last time.

@industrialistDragon puts this a lot better than I can. I wrote some similar things in the LBLs I sent, but I was aimlessly flailing at this same concern. I really like the male hair-care product description as well. I was having trouble with S rationalizing that because M liked the chest region she was seeing S as female. I think it was true in context, but that's going to lead to all sort of conflict between them in trying to prove the negative that no, M isn't just attracted to S's body parts.

Love these! I somehow missed that it looked like a current Earth space shuttle, but it makes total sense with the timeline!

Yep.

Uhhh... all of the above? Depending on Money... The wife has wanted to go to Ireland for years, so that's definitely a plus. ___ WorldCon 2018 San Jose, California___ WorldCon 2019 Dublin_X_ Both, cause why not?

Congrats! WorldCon 2018 is in Santa Fe. WorldCon 2019 is in Dublin.

Ahhh...Moorcock is one of my favorites, though Elric is actually my least favorite and most trope-y of the Eternal Champions. If you get a chance, read the Count Brass novels, or The Dancers at the End of TIme, or some of the other ones. Sometimes the champions even get to crossover!

I'm always a fan of WorldCon. 2018 will be in San Jose, California. 2019 will be in Dublin. Easy access for @Robinski, but less for the North America folks.

Sorry to hear that! Hope you get better soon.

I like it Definitely!

Overall, I liked it! This was a fun romp, though it drags a bit in the middle. I think the immediate conclusion with C works, but the resolution is not as solid. I've said through this that M isn't as strong as I would like. She's very strong at the beginning, but then mostly sits around the last half, and some of her scenes are taken by Ma. The romance, such as it was, between Q and Ma didn't really work for me either. I'm mostly on board with Ma's change of face at the end, but I don't have a lot of connection with her. Would like to see more with M instead. I've mentioned my thoughts on the very end below, but it feels like there's a chunk missing between Q being in a coma, and Q completely fine with even the poison fixed (while M gets a bum leg?). I want to know how Q got out of the coma, when last we saw, his android was killed. Does he automatically go back to his body? I honestly thought "oh, he must be in another android," when he shows up at the end. Notes while reading: pg 273: "then debris started falling past the big boardroom windows." --But...if debris is falling past the boardroom, doesn't that mean the dome is already breached? pg 273: “Sir, breaches to building integrity, two on the top floor, three on next floor. We’re losing air.” --ok, so I guess the dome has been breached? Maybe it's WRS. pg 275: "Nobody sues a hero, right?" --Lol. Also, probably wrong. pg 275: "I'm going to jump, Schuler. Do it when I shout" --I thought from the previous page that Q couldn't hear Schuler? Does he have confirmation the other end is paying attention before he jumps? pg 276: "The NG Channel" --A bit too topical? pg 276: "What if he liked being inside Eight and decided to stay there to escape the virus, to escape her?" --Huh. Good plan. I hadn't thought of that. pg 276: "She changed her mind, dried her fingers and pressed her lips to Quirk’s forehead then did the same on his hand for luck" --Aw. that's actually kind of sweet. pg 277: "Then he was past it, still accelerating" --whoops. Good tension here. pg 278: Cool twist, with eight taking up the job. pg 279: "crush his android host" --would it crush him, though? It's 1/6 gravity, and he's falling what, 7 or 8 stories? Plus android bodies are more resilient than human ones. Don't have enough data to calculate... pg 280: "Thank god Galileo was right. The monolith was falling at the same rate as they were, but the absence of any appreciable air resistance meant there was no terminal velocity." --Maybe I'm not thinking in big enough terms. I feel like terminal velocity is not something that would really come into play with these distances. How high is the dome? how high was the boulder above it? --Looking it up online, seems like about 15 seconds for a human to get to terminal velocity on Earth (and now a search engine knows I searched for that...). Wouldn't it be more than six times that for the moon (thinking of cumulative acceleration)? pg 282: "Was it the dome, the building above their heads?" --missing "or?" pg 283: "bowl movement" --Aheh. pg 285: "a 2,000 metre drop with no terminal velocity." --Aha! I have numbers now! Also, maybe put this earlier, to give the scale? Maybe you did, and it's WRS, but might bear repeating in the last chapter. pg 288: Aha. I thought they were going to end up in the same android... pg 291: Interesting solution, but wouldn't C just jump to another android again? pg 294: "private detective in a comma" --coma? pg 294: “Hey, squirt.” Q sauntered into the living room --so, he's not in a coma? pg 294: "Her consulted his cLife" --He? pg 296: "How was I supposed to know my saliva was combining with the vector in your blood to maintain those reactions?” --eh? This feels like a cop-out...At least want to see this revelation. I was looking forward to this being a running challenge for Q&M Ending: Hmmm...I expect something more thought-provoking that M cussing at an android? I was still a little confused as to how Q got back into his body. At first I thought he was an android, when he came walking in, and his body was still in a coma. Need some more explanation there.

Welcome back!

Go for it. I'd rather finish up the story!

The latter part of this was better than the initial. I felt, especially after the action in the last submission, this slowed down for a bit, before speeding back up. M continues to not really be useful. I'd like to see her to something to help the plot, though maybe that's coming. Interested to see what happens next week, after the (literal) cliffhanger! pg 247: sprinted -> sprinting pg 248: "He recognised Batra’s voice although the miners all looked the same in their suits and helmets; as did the androids, also uniformed, but queerly unprotected in Luna’s pitiful atmosphere." --confusing: are the androids in suits or not? pg 248: "Even dialling up the android’s sensors, he was unable to hear anything" --because of lack of atmosphere? turning up the volume won't help, and C should be aware of that. pg 248: "but he heard nothing. It was surreal." --Again, if this is only because of lack of atmo, C should be used to this, having worked on the moon. pg 251: "The sudden onset of volume was shocking" --what sudden onset? pg 252: the recapping slows things down a bit. pg 254: yeah, this whole section with Q doesn't really add much except he's disoriented. Especially this near to the end of the book, every sentence should count. pg 255: also not a lot of movement from M. She's been sort of useless for the last few chapters. And what was the nickname for Ma? Might be WRS. pg 259: There's a lot of movement, but not much happening, in this chapter. Everyone is milling around, C is moving, and Q is trying to remember, but there's no actual action that progresses the plot. pg 260: "“The first fragments have impacted the dome" --fragments of what? Something C is digging up? pg 261: Ah. I guess he is. Could be set up better. pg 262: "What then for him? Callan realised that he had not thought about it." --really? Does he even care at this point? pg 265: "Eight’s fingers curled hard into the handholds" --what handholds? I thought they were climbing up a mound on the moon? Are the climbing on the dome? pg 268: the last bit of blocking here is a little confusing. Hard to imagine where Q is, exactly.

Great comments as usual, thanks @rdpulfer and @Robinski! Good point. I'll need to clarify or change this somehow. I was thinking this is more like France exiting the UN or something. The Servants are one faction of their species. The whole species is part of the Assembly, but there are still separate nations and factions per world. Wari is the third Lobath gender. I mentioned a few chapters back but could probably use a reminder. This is definitely the first tipping point to the larger tension in the story. And on that note (ha) I'll most likely finish up this draft of the book in the next few days. Looks like 33 chapters and an epilogue! Most likely going to stop posting here, and do a call for beta readers among some of the writer groups I'm in. Thanks again for all the help getting these starting chapters fleshed out!

Not a whole lot of comments this time. I enjoyed this submission--things are rolling along, and the use of eight is surprising yet inevitable. There are some good action sequences from C. The corporate folks might be a little too heartlessly evil? Hard to tell any more. pg 225: The description of the dustcrete wall slows down the start of the chapter pg 227: "He slammed the heavy cylinder into the reaching droid’s head, then turned it over and fired it." --Unclear. Fired what? pg 227: "only slight aware" --slightly pg 227: "careful not to throw the rock, which would mess up his trajectory." --Probably just choosing not to throw it. "Careful" sounds like C might accidentally throw it. pg 230: "pullng" --pulling pg 230: "The less time it spends in this environment, the lower the risk, however small, of mould spores gaining access to the low-level fibres." --Lol pg 231: "Call me Mr. Q, I think.” --why now? pg 231: The revelation about Evelyn could, I think, be punched up a bit. Set here, in the midst of everything else, it's more a statement than anything. I feel like it should have more impact. pg 232: "Monster dies in the end with a single teardrop falling down its cheek because it just wanted to be loved." --great line. pg 233: some excess lines that could be cut or clarified to help the pace: "We’re convinced." "thought she *actually* looked *quite* worried" "This had become real very rapidly. They hadn’t even been here a day." pg 234: Paulson might be a bit too cold and moustache-twirling, but then, my evil scale has been badly calibrated for about 6 months. pg 234: "He looked at M. “It’s going to be okay, kid. Eight will look after you and the UNP have plans for this sort of thing." --Was M worried? did she say anything to give that indication? She is worried as a reaction, but not before that. pg 235: "We could use your droid though,” he nodded toward S-0778." --Oh. I have a bad feeling about this. pg 236, top. P refers to eight as "him" then later the android driver is "it." Just wondering at consistency. pg 238: ". “You’re going to put him in the droid? It’s a high serial number, how do you get him in, but how do you get him out again? And what’s the point?” --Unclear here which droid Ma is talking about. Is she talking about Q going in a C coming out, or what? pg 238: "He wanted to ask Paulson how his chronograph could tell time on the Moon" ---because the springs don't work well in gravity? pg 239: "But not on the Merrion. Sorry about this M.” --very confused about this until I realized a few pp later they were shaving his head and he didn't want hair on the suit. I guess the shirt is fine? pg 239: "At least one person in this room wants you to come back, two if you count M, which I think you can.” --never really bought into there being any feelings between Ma and Q. Their's seemed more a match of convenience. pg 244: "knap" --nap? pg 245: "how crowded the streets" -were.