Mandamon

Cool! Yeah, I was surprised when I got the first copy, especially compared to the two novellas. It still looks tiny compared to Oathbringer, though.

I never really did anything with it until a few months ago. Has a lot of useful info, if nothing else.

Hey--I agree with @Robinski! Imagine that! This whole section didn't really hook me. I couldn't find a strong thread to the story, and there was no clear objective for N. I did like the second section better, but as Robinski says, it's mainly a lot of info about the different species and systems--stuff that we don't really need to know yet, and never found even out in the trilogy! I think you're heading to where N. and Y. meet, but there's no statement yet that N. is even looking for someone else. If that is what's going to happen, I'm interested to find out how... pg 4: "She knew that from, well, right now." --unessesary, since you just told us. pg 4: probably don't need the list of their planets either. Does it come up later? pg 6: Ok, so are the Minorans centaurs or horselike? Four legs and two hands, or just four legs? pg 8: "Her pants were too short" --huh? why? Oh, is that because she was wearing her talther's clothes? WRS. pg 11: There's a lot of infodump about the Charted Systems and alien statistics in this one, more even than in the books, I think. I don't think I knew Ris. had claws! pg 13: I'm assuming that's Yor.? But I thought they met on Mars? pg 14: What does N. have against Journey Youth?

Hey all, I'm doing a Writer of the Day spot on Reddit/Fantasy if anyone wants to come ask me stupid questions! https://www.reddit.com/r/Fantasy/comments/7mf6t2/rfantasy_writer_of_the_day_william_c_tracy_author/

Welcome to Reading Excuses! As @Robinski says, you do have some good description in this submission, but some parts are a little hard to read because of grammar issues. I've marked a few that stood out to me. Overall, I like the concept for this and I'm interested to see where it goes. The girl has some hidden powers (I'm guessing detailed illusion?) and you set up some conflict around the S.B. magic users right off the bat. Some of the implementation is rough, but I think that can be fixed with an edit. I was also a little surprised at I's age, both that she's doing all this on her own (and magically proficient) at 10, and that she is killed (supposedly) at 16 in the prologue. It implied to me that she had known A. for more than 6 years. I'm not completely sold on the prologue. It's short, so that's good, but I don't think it gives us any real tension going into ch 1, save that we think the main character will be killed at the end. There's another mystery included about where I. is from, and how she grew up, but it's buried in the rest of things. There's hints about how she hasn't seen cities and/or money, but it very easy to miss it. I did the first time,and looks like Robinski did too. This to me is even more interesting than her pulling off the robbery. You could probably make it stand out a little more to add an extra hook to the reader. Notes while reading: pg 1: barley -> barely pg 1: "It was the knowing passing between two enemies that understood its true meaning" --need to clean up this sentence. I think I understand the meaning, but ti could be a lot clearer. pg 2: "His body rippling with a thousand tiny sparks, coloured like the unnatural lightning above. --you have had a couple of the sentenses already. They should be combined with the sentence before, either with a comma or a semicolon. pg 3: huh. Ok, I was not expecting this to take place previous to the prologue. Interesting. pg 3: "Her relief only fleeting as the press of the crowd cut off the wind' --same thing as above. This is not a complete sentence. pg 4: " If you had seen his face however, you may have contested the reason for their parting" --I'm not sure what this means. Is the man scary? terrified? Just ugly? pg 5: "Ilse had never seen money before, let alone held any" --I believe about not holding money, but was she raised in the wild? (EDIT: I looked back at pg 3 and realized you say she's only seen cities in the stones) pg 6: Took me a minute to switch over the Pug's POV, but I think it works to show off the Stormborn power. pg 7: "Hawk said, accenting his name with derision." --Pug doesn't know Hawk's name yet.

Dragged my Absolute Write login out of the dust to comment!

Ah! Didn't know that--thanks! I'll send him something tonight.

I would have, except they don't have a query letter, just contact info and some bio info. I'll probably just send him a note on FB in January, or maybe he'll make another post before the window closes at the end of the year. I did tag angry robot on twitter earlier...

Alright...I can do this. I figured out I just need to remove 34 words per page! And done! I got Fruits down to 129k, and just hit the submission button for Angry Robot! Now I'm wondering if its kosher for me to gently nudge Michael Underwood when the submission period is over. I met him on the second WX cruise and have kept up with him on FB and Twitter.

This combined with your current 17th shard reputation is hilarious. Sugarplum fairies, anyone?

Welcome to Reading Excuses! I see the others have already torn into this one. Generally I'm of the same mind as @kais, @Asmodemon, and @industrialistDragon. I had a hard time reading through this, both for the tropes, and because a lot of it felt unnecessary. The last few pages were more interesting. You could probably begin this on pg 12. The hook to the prologue is the prophesy about the son, and all the explanation about where he came from isn't really relevant until we know the characters. especially as it's a prologue, I don't expect to meet the king and other royalty again. I suspect the story is about Clark, and to be honest, just the prophesy could probably be dropped into a later chapter to remove the prologue completely. I also caught the Indian names and descriptions, and I think this could be an interesting story--just needs to catch the reader's interest sooner. Hope everything turns out ok with the family, and I look forward to future submissions! Notes while reading: First paragraph--I sense @kais' fridge-o-meter tingling... (edit: yep, I was right.) pg 1: "particularly peculiar" There's a lot of description on the first page and no action so far. You need to hook the reader here, first, then describe. pg 1: "cleared his throat for a good two seconds --that's going to tear up his vocal cords. pg 1: "She grabbed the note slowly" --I don't think you can do that. pg 2: "eerily lively corpse" --wait, what? Is the corpse dancing around or something? pg 4: the king is still going on about this woman... pg 5: 4 paragraphs in a row start with "King R." pg 6: "He assumed emotions were a lot less complicated back then as well." --Why would he assume this? Were people different? pg 7: lots of infodump... pg 8: "own brother had now fathered a daughter" --I thought it was a son? pg 8: certainly don't need etymology of names in the first chapter. pg 11: more infodump on this page... pg 12: write numbers out.

Oooo! My mom used to make that. I loved it!

GOOSE!

I listened to that one on audiobook, so it might have changed my perceptions, but I thought it was much better. Looking back, it's still a little light on character, but the character moments that do happen are great.

That's a lot of pies! I suppose I should mention, I have a new book out! The Seeds of Dissolution came out on Tuesday (hence the new profile pic), and you can download the eBook for only $0.99 this week! Also, a friend of mine was very nice and recorded me reading the first chapter in HD, in full costume and everything...

Well, I see most everyone has torn this apart already! That's what I get for having a book release on Tuesday... I had a lot less problem with this than others, though I may just be brain-dead from editing. My main issues were with the brother and the president. I agree with the others that the brother comes off as a smug little jerk. I understand what's he's doing, having read the end of the third book, but he still feels smug. Maybe more love and banter, and less suspicious smiling? I don't know. I like the suggestion of putting the uncle in the beginning with the president, as a foil. I felt like we never got quite enough of the uncle in the books, and he seemed an ok guy, for a world religious leader. It would also lend a little weight as to why the president is in these people's living room. Presidents don't usually make house calls. pg 3: "Melt" the president is her first thought? Is that common? pg 6: I love that just looking like a Terran is an insult. oh, and @MasterJack, I had all sorts of questions about household design for stuk while reading @kais's novels, but it does get an answer later on. You'll just have to read and see ;-) Side tangent: what did you think of Mirror Empire? I really wanted to like it, and I loved The Stars are Legion, but I just could not get into it. I really want to know more about weird plants and alternate dimensions, but that book was tough to read.

Hey--I agree with @kais! Imagine that... I actually didn't write anything down while reading this. I remember it as very similar to last time. It flowed smoothly, though the first page was a little slow, and I was on page 9 before I knew it. But then there's the "so what" moment at the end. We just learn M is going to start counseling. There's not a lot of tension buildup. If her aunt had more to say, and it tied in with why M went to the mother superior, it would give a little more tension at least. And yes, ice cream calzone is a terrible idea.

That's a solid plan. When I get my book deal with Angry Robot I'll back you up...

Oh no! I'm a sucker for footnotes, but then, I've also been know to eat a handful of sprinkles, so my taste in toppings (written or eaten) might be suspect.

I don't know why I do this. I drop that darn n off almost every time. @Mandamon used to joke about it in line edits. Ha--I held myself back this time. Although given your recent experience with skiffs, I can only think about what the Heave(n) Guard pilots do in complex maneuvers. (Hurp....hrrgl...hmmrgh...).

Very cool! I was glad to get back into this universe. Generally I agree with @Robinski and @industrialistDragon, but hopefully I have a few new comments... Notes while reading: pg 1: was this Ne's name now? When did it change from At? pg 2: Heave -> Heaven (several times) pg 2: "her uncle’s religion" --did it change under her uncle, or did he just inherit it from the previous high priest? pg 4: Ah, this explains the Ne vs. At name. pg 5: then she refers to herself as At. here...some confusion, or is she transitioning from one name to another? Overall, I think this explains more about Ne's past than the first two books! I was glad to finally experience this story, since we've heard about it in the books, but as Robinksi says, I don't think this would mean nearly as much to one who hasn't read Ard. I also thought Ne's personality was a little off for the first couple pages, and I think IndustrialistDragon has pegged it--Ne's channeling So. As to where this is going, I'm wondering how viable this is as a full book vs. releasing bonus stories on your website or as a reader magnet. I looooved that book so much, exactly because we got to see what was happening behind the scenes. It was one of my favorite SW books. But would I have loved it if I wasn't a fan of Star Wars? No. Even if I had just seen the movies, but didn't love them, I don't think I would have appreciated the stories. It's a book for a fan. Similarly, this could be a book for your dedicated fans, but (I'm guessing) wouldn't sell as well as the main novels. My suggestion would be expanding from short stories to novelette or novella-length stories to get more buy-in from new readers. Or maybe have a long feature at the beginning to get readers interested, then follow up with some short stories.

Welcome to the agreement club, where the first rule is agreeing! ...ahem. I agree with @kais. The intro is much better, and the story already feels tighter. Then it gets to Quirk, and I really enjoy his worldview, buuut...that's all the chapter is. As kais says, if we can get a little more movement on the plot before leaving this chapter, it will get the reader much more invested. I actually remembered Moth being in this one the first time around, but I think I was combining the first few chapters in my head. Notes while reading: pg 3: "There were some really cool formations in here" --in there? Since all of this is past tense. pg 3: "after this exo " --his exo? pg 4: This intro is a lot better than what I remember. Helps to set the scene a lot more. pg 4: "A.c. first, and can G.c.’s android tech company --this isn't clear pg 7: The end of the last chapter falls a little flat because you've already said the doctor has seen many of these mappings. I don't feel like he would be this surprised. pg 8: "jumps suits" --jumpsuits? pg 9: Why does the ITT acronym not have the same letters as the full name? Wouldn't it be ITH? pg 9: "fresh. in his head" --extra period pg 11: "well-healed " --well-heeled pg 12: "a food deal cheaper" --I assume the local currency is not based on coupons for meals...

Thanks for the offers! I'll see how this week goes. I think I'm getting a handle on it. It's amazing how much I recognize immediately as redundant, from only a year more writing, as well as coming off doing this same thing to Seeds. I have a list of overused words and everything!

I agree with @ICanDream on the character part. Shy needs to be stronger. I don't think she would have gotten where she was being so passive. Overall though, the character is really coming along. Notes while reading: pg 1: "and not to be dealt with" --you could make this more specific and convey a lot more information pg 1: "It had to contain the power of all three Orders to provide the water for Narthen." --ok, but why? pg 2: "Why couldn’t the Sand Lords have made Narthen out of something other than sand?" --well, I assume they wouldn't call themselves Sand lords, then... ;-) pg 3: "That was her deadline." --Unecessary--you've already told us there's a deadline. pg 4: "What an indolent imbecile." --Why does S. think this? He's bringing the meeting to where it needs to be. He's the only one addressing the problem, since S. is just sitting there watching. pg 5: 1) The masters don't seem very smart and 2) the murderer is sitting right there! Why isn't S doing anything? Character notes: 1) Regards things as bothers. Does this mean she's very tidy, or doesn't regard much as a threat, or what? 2) Doesn't like sand getting everywhere even though she's probably used to sand being everywhere. 3) Wants to wear the correct outfit to an official function - shows acceptance of hierarchy. I'm leaning toward the "likes things tidy" explanation for the above. 4) I like that she has a categorization of "bother," but at the same time, that doesn't jive with "a deep, lingering sorrow for his death." Which is it? So in summary, S seems like a tidy person who doesn't want any mess, but also won't speak up if she sees something wrong. She seems content to go along with others until it's nearly too late. I think you have a good start on this character, but I would argue she needs to be more active. In fact, most of your characters do. Especially for masters, who are supposed to be at the top of their discipline, none are doing anything except the murderer.

Thanks! So far going well--I've got 4 chapters done. I'm mainly taking out unnecessary words and the occasional redundant phrase, so I don't think I'm changing the meaning much.