Mandamon

This is very close! Just a couple comments about the M sections. Q's part is good for me. Notes While Reading: I don't know if "6 weeks later" works when starting a book, unless you're a meg-bestseller and this is the continuation of a series. Since there's only one book before this one, we can assume it's later. Does the exact timing matter? --yep, you mention that it's 6 weeks later on page 4, so I think the title could be used to convey something more intersting about the chapter. pg 4: "Long story.", "Same long story." --M isn't telling this to anyone, just thinking about it. What does she care how long it is? pg 4: "rabbit started tickling her grave with a feather." --This is a bizarre saying...so much it pulled me out to try to figure out how it was supposed to work. Does it come from somewhere or did you make it up? pg 5: the explanation for the wolves flows a lot better now. pg 5: "who they called Eighty—for obvious reasons" --I don't think "for obvious reasons" is needed pg 6: Lol--love the math formula comment about M's height. Glad to see those statistics courses coming in handy... pg 6: One question on the wolves. Were they cyborg, or android? You mention both. If they're android, wouldn't they stay standing, rather than collapsing? The metal (I assume) joints would just lock, rather than fall over. Or maybe some would fall over, and some would stay standing. pg 10: "regarding its pray" --prey pg 11: “And borrowing is the sincerest form of daylight robbery" --lol

4th submission! I'm skipping over the other two parts I submitted, as I updated them similarly to the first section. I feel like this is starting to go in the right direction. This is all of part 3. Let me know what you think! Our story so far: M finds the body of the Speaker when arranging a time to present his new invention. The Speaker had been in possession of a list of members of the secret society M belongs to. He tells the head of the Society, who confers with the record keeper for the society. The head explains about the history of the Society and how it will probably be shut down if word gets out. M needs to find the killer and the list. M talks to his two colleagues, who work together closely on the technical details of the automatons they are designing. One goes with M to talk to two other members whose names were on the top of the list. Both have a means for getting around the Society's geas that keeps people from talking, but neither seems to have motive for the murder. M and his colleague go back to the record keeper, who they find lying in a pool of blood.

Shoot. Forgot to take these out. They're hyphens from the book format I write in... through budding! Sounds like this is getting to where it needs to be, with another pass. Thanks @kais!

I'd like to tentatively submit on the 26th as well. Not sure if I can get it all done this weekend, as I'm selling books at a con, but if not, I'll drop back a week.

I'm happy if you give a summary of the changes you made and skip to a new section, unless you think we're going to miss a lot. I'm planning to do the same thing with mine, as I think I've addressed the problems brought up in the forum, and want to get reactions on new stuff.

Very cool intro! I remember liking this story a lot, and I'm glad to be reading it again. There's a lot more immediate danger this time from the beasts of the forest, and you've described W's situation well. I also remember the magic being confusing before, but this was an easy introduction. I was also wondering about this. Is W somehow the only one able to see them? I'm reminded of a lot of Miyazaki movies by the description here. As @Robinski says, the limit is 5000 words, so you could have subbed the whole 4000 this week. I'll eagerly await next week, however! Notes while reading: pg 1: "Version Six Hundred and Forty Two" --lol...you have great persistence, responding to us tearing this thing apart! Looking forward to the new version. pg 2: attacked -> attack pg 2: "A drengir was standing right here" --do you mean "had been?" I assume it's not still standing there. pg 5: So how far outside was W? Seemed like the deer ran for a while, but if she wasn't even supposed to go out, she'd gone pretty far. pg 6: "Collecting damsels for M" --In the forest? Or is there some distance outside the city that's safe? pg 6: "had not been born her" her -> here

Hey, I get to be first! Definitely a draft zero. Nick was pretty inconsistent through this, waffling between super genius and an actual teenager. He's set up much more toward the latter at the beginning, and that made me more suspicious when he became a lot smarter toward the end. I thought the ending was fine, and sets up book one well. It's more the events leading up to the ending. I made a comment somewhere in there, but there's a lot of re-introducing N (species and planet) that doesn't need to be in there if we've had N's stories before this point. I really liked W. at the beginning, but she felt almost overdeveloped for this story, like they were going to team up and do a buddy movie before Nick found Y and N. Still enjoyed it though! Notes while reading: pg 1: that second paragraph...Yes, N is very excited, but it's like listening to a squirrel on speed. pg 2: “I was just thinking about biology.” --lol. I don't know if it's sadder that he admitted this, or that he's actually thinking about biology. pg 4: "W giggled, but the humor didn’t reach her eyes. " --this is a strange reaction. pg 5: "Tramp transport? Did you put in for that?” --This is separated by the question by about two pages, and I forgot that's what W was called for. pg 5: W is really pushy. What's her deal? pg 9: "Had to be a N. then" --Nick knows a lot about them. In fact everyone seems to know a lot about the N even though no one ever sees them. I wouldn't think Nick could figure out her species just from first sight. All the other description comes across as an infodump. pg 10: "It was the plot of at least four B movies back on Earth." --why doesn't anyone care so much about the N? They just sit on their planet and don't do anything. pg 10: N's intro to Nick is probably enough to know about the N species by itself, especially if this will be in the same book as the rest of the stories. And how does Nick know so much about the N, but not that they all use the species name? pg 13: "Nick has to suppress a laugh, because while N’s face looked like she meant to physically harm someone, the captain’s merely looked amused." has -> had also, why is that funny to Nick? pg 14: "A funny tickle ran down his spine and he scrunched his shoulders." --I don't get the significance of this. N has to be touching for telepathy to work, right? pg 15: "Earth’s valedictorian for 2059" --that was not what I gathered the first time around...might want to mention that earlier. pg 16: “Do you have to talk so much?” --that's rich, coming from Nick.

I liked this better than the last section, mostly because there was some action in it. However, the pace is very inconsistent to me. We have 10 pages about farm chores and who Ar is going to marry, and then dragons and magical fire interspersed. I can't decide whether this is supposed to be a cozy romance or a fantasy book, so my attention is diverted while reading. I can see the hints of worldbuilding you have, and I really want to learn about that world, but right now I'm having trouble getting through descriptions of mundane life. Notes while reading: pg 1: "avoiding the inhabitants for as much as possible, but that doesn’t mean they weren’t speaking to people." --delete "for," doesn’t -> didn't "but she knows" --she knew "without shift" --shifting Lots of comma splices on this page too. Might need a quick run-through for grammar and consistency. There's also a lot of vagueness. Ar "couldn't imagine" about the marsh, things "seem nonsensical" and "a feeling" tells her "something is coming" All this tells me nothing. Give me a specific reason why Ar is scared. pg 2: the dream and information about dragon is the most interesting thing that has happened so far. In fact, if this is a plot point, Ar. waking from a dream about dragons could be a good start to the book. pg 3: "could be a bit precious" --what does this mean? pg 4: don't really care about the eventual use of cherries. I can assume. pg 4: There's no description of Ar, Br, and Em, so I'm getting them confused. oh yeah, Lly is here too... pg 6: "being an Outsider himself" --another interesting tidbit! Tell me more about this! I don't care much about who Ar. decides to marry. There's also a LOT of detail about picking cherries. pg 6-8: this worldbuilding information is more interesting to me than the main plot, but it's presented as a long infodump. pg 9-11: I don't need this much description of sheep, potatoes, and chickens. pg 11: "much paler, not pale enough to be considered pale" --I'd reword this. Either he's pale or he isn't. pg 11: "There was something about the sandy haired one that she trusted though, a certain nobility in the air around him," --This is vague too. Why does she trust nobility? pg 12/13: "A feeling of dread rolled through Ar, no one knew about her abilities" --is this talking about the dreams? "A line of fire burst up from behind Ar." "She knew somewhere inside of her that he had started it" --Wait: this is really sudden. How does Ar. know? What abilities? Why have we spent 10 pages on farm chores instead of this?

Thanks for posting and for letting us be the first outsiders to see your writing! I thought this was an interesting slice of life story, even though the plot is familiar. it's sort of like one scene from Groundhog Day spread out into a mini-episode. It's a good first draft. That said, there isn't a lot new to this. W decides to keep playing out the same thing even though he or L will likely get killed multiple times. In the "surprising yet inevitable" range of endings, this is the second, but not the first. What can you add that hits the "surprising" part? This felt like it could be longer and explore W and L's relationship a bit more. Notes while reading: pg 5: I like that L has a slightly different reaction because W is nervous pg 8: "those drunk, stupid lugs" --drunken pg 11: Having the phrase about "playing too good" being the key one grates on me because it's grammatically incorrect. Even if it was "you play too well," it still sounds sort of clunky and awkward. There's probably a better way to say this that still gets the same point across and makes this a more poignant phrase. You also might want to include it at the beginning of the story, if it's going to be their "thing."

Hello again! This is a resubmit of the first section of the story, trying to fix the problems you all found. This ends at the same place as last time, so it's again mid-chapter and sort of abrupt. What I'm mainly looking for is: --Connection with the main character (emotion, description, etc) --Pace keeps up through the section --satisfactory explanation (or enough for now) for the Society and why it exists --whether I successfully removed the infodumping --is there enough challenge now for the MC? --would you classify this as mystery, or suspense? Anything else is also welcome!

Thanks @toomsta! I just did some work on this today, and I think cleared up some of the name confusion and focused on the murder more.

Great ideas, @industrialistDragon and @kais. Thanks!

Hmm...another against. I'm going for grad student-level bickering, with a dash of mad scientist for these two. Any thoughts on how to better convey this? @Robinski, @industrialistDragon, or @kais? Also, many thanks for @Robinski for all the comments! I'll be editing this section in a couple day and may have some more questions.

@Majestic Fox would that be for the 19th? I think you're the first. I would tentatively like to submit on the 19th as well. I think I've got the first part of this novella in better shape, but wanted to get a second reaction.

Since it isn't specified who D shoots, there are two endings possible, one of which gives L access to a loaded revolver, and the element of surprise. Oh wow--I did not even realize that! I assumed D would shoot L, to keep the information from getting out to her empire. I didn't even think about D shooting herself, but if that happened, L could technically go to the next in command and see if they were more willing to listen.

I also thought this was really well done. It did get slightly slow in the middle, but I didn't even get to the point of making a note about it before the pace picked back up. Good job on editing it down from 7.5k. I think at that length, it would have been too long, but this was just about perfect. Coming from a mathematical background, I thought the description of L. drawing the circle and translating it in to a globe with longitude lines and a search pattern was very good. I could instantly see what she was doing. About a page away from the end, I was seeing how things had to come out and knowing D's character from what you had built up, trying to figure a way out for L. It almost comes across as telegraphed, but I think that was because I could see how D would react. I want there to be another ending possible, but I don't know if it would detract from D's realization. I had this same thought, but assumed this could be attributed to L actually knowing how numbers work and being able to transcribe into a different base for the "civilized" D, considering her civilization taught D's about math. Very much enjoyed this!

Not too many comments this time. It read smoother, though might need a couple more explanatory sentences toward the end: Notes while reading; pg 5: "he definitely needed a shave" --but he has a beard? I always pictured it as a full beard, so no shaving needed. If not, might be good to describe what it looks like. pg 8: “You can’t afford what I want.” --Still have a bit of a problem with this. If he hasn't looked at the contract, how does he know what they're offering? In addition, all the detail about how often he would have to run would also be in the contract. pg 8: The emotion-smoothing reads better this time. pg 9: The disgruntlement comes across better too. pg 10: "He no longer gave a damnation about information, either" --so did the Ard. but that inquisitiveness into his brain too? Like they were trying to figure out how to get free? If so, you could probably make it a little more obvious. pg 11: "He signed the contract." --Ok, so now he signs it, again without reading it! Right after the Ris. tell him xe will pay whatever. I'd be a lot more suspicious, or at least read the thing, at this point. The ending is good, and starts the question of where the peace came from and why the Ris. want live trees.

That's still awesome! I got in about 2000 on Friday, finishing up the novella, but that was in about an hour and a half. That's about the fastest I ever write! AHHHHHHHHHHH!! I'm not sure that was clear. Yes! That was not clear at all. Getting rid of only violent crime will make a whole lot more sense.

Cool! Looking forward to it! ...and was that 4000 words in one hour? O_o

If it gets a full short story treatment, I would certainly be satisfied. I think it won't work if it never deals with it, but calls it out. Or, you could skim over it and hope no one notices, sort of like in the novels. But if you start dealing with it, I think it needs an arc to explain. I think if you have a full short story that deals with this, you can leave it as a nagging question. Although I do like Y raging at someone, and them just being polite. Though then that begs the question of why he isn't affected...

Yep, this was my main reason for not wanting to submit this originally. I need to do the second pass on character for M, which will hopefully fix these issues. Hmm...this should have come across in Seeds, too. Maybe I need to read those convos again. Pixies tend toward very clipped speech, sort of like shorthand notes. I'll fix that... Also agree. This is another thing that got lost in the first draft and I'll bring out some more the second time around. Ok, so one yes, one no. I might need to adjust their relationship some. I was going more for "comfortable bickering" than "antagonistic." I'll see how it reads when I go back through. Thanks to @kais and @industrialistDragon! as usual, this will help immensely in edits.

I think this works better as a cold open than N, simply because we get the familiar setting. It can seed the Ris and others so that going into N's story is easier. More polished than last time, and I had few problems, save that I'm still not sure on why everyone on Earth is suddenly peaceful. I get if they say they are, but it seems like humans are actually acting peacefully. I want to see a consequence when someone tries to toe the line (which I'm sure many do). the conversation with captain Neg read smoother to me as well, though I have no idea what changed. I think you've justified Y's jaded-ness better. So yes, motivations are clear to me. The through line to the books was clear last time, but I like how this shows how crappy the ship was, even better than the books. Just a couple notes: pg 3: "Away from the politics and the false smiles and the lovey-dovey crap everyone spewed now..." --This is better, but Y still just says he doesn't believe they can change. Why does he believe the smiles are false? There's still no evidence that this worked in changing humans. pg 4: "It got put on before the final peace treaty was signed" --repetition here

This felt a little slow to start, but likely WRS, trying to remember who's who and what's going on. Things are starting to pick up, and I'm glad we've got the connection to the gene company already. The main thing I'm still unclear on is Q rushing into this job when everyone's against it, and I don't remember him actually accepting anything. You talk a lot about his honor, especially in connection with his wife, but I'm not feeling it yet. Still feels like a tell rather than a show. The second half of the chapter was much better and streamlined, though M doing...whatever she was doing in the interrogation room was a little random. A nice twist at the end of the chapter, so I'm looking forward to the next part! Arc-wise, I think this chapter worked better, but I would like a revelation of what Q saw in the attacker's face, not just that he saw it. Was there something wrong with the gunman's face, or was it just that Q would be able to identify him? Notes while reading: pg 2: "I as good as took the case" --Did he though? pg 3: "actually struggled so hard again " --against pg 3: "No money changed hands. No contract signed…” --That's what I thought. Was there more than them picking through the list of contracts? Did they ever contact any of the applicants? pg 3: "Get these juveniles..." --Referring to who? M. I understand, but Q? pg 4: "but he was still paying the emotional price for his desertion of J." --you keep telling us this, but I don't think there's been a lot of show. I've never gotten a strong connection with J. pg 5: "Squirtle" --Pokemon name-calling is a thing in this future? pg 10: “Be nice to M. She’s a good kid, she just needs your emotional support.” --Eh? This seemed out of the blue.

Hello again, Part three of my new mystery novella. This is a little long, so apologies, but it does finish out this entire section. Previously, the main character went to apply for presenting a new invention, but found the Speaker he was to talk to dead. He found evidence there was also a list revealing the society he is a member of, though it remains secret by an imposed geas on the members. He talked to his mentor, also the leader of the Society, where it was revealed why the Society is hidden. His mentor assigned the main character to investigate what happened and why. Let me know what you think. I've quickly added in some new parts about the geas, since it's new addition, and there might be some info-dumpy sections here. This is very much draft zero. I'm also wondering what you think of the other characters introduced here, and...anything else. Thanks!

Thanks @Robinski! I think this first section needs a lot of work, and you seem to be consistent with the others. I can fine-tune this but looks like it's at least working as a rough draft. The problem of Sherlock Holmes as a protagonist vs. a force of nature continues to plague me, and I think I've gone more with the protagonist option for this one. We'll see how it comes out in the end! Oh yeah, and this is probably Moor's biggest section, so less confusion after this!