Mandamon

I was confused through most of this, mainly trying to figure out how the two narratives fit together. The journal seems to indicate that people built some sort of robot or android, but Sadie's narrative seems post-apocalyptic. Sadie's discovery in the middle of the strange human tissue made me think that was perhaps what made the robot invention in the journal possible. In any case, I'm wondering what the technology is and where it came from. (Edit - just realized you call it specifically "human" tissue meaning it's the same as Sadie's species?). Also, does the symmetrical construction have any bearing on the story, except that Sadie can use it to complete her map? It seems unnecessary. So at the end, we find Sadie is evidently a member of the android species that took over, but I guess they have no memory of what they did, for some reason? And now they're creating their own artificial beings, using the unknown indestructible tissue from...? I got the pun at the end, but not really sure what it means. "Man" and "human" etymologically may even come from the same root. In any case, have the robot/androids independently decided to call themselves human, while humans (us) already exist, or are you saying that we are the first generation of artificial beings, but have forgotten, and are now repeating the same cycle? Interesting thought experiment, but not sure exactly where it's leading. Also, pg 2: thoughts should be in italics

Ha--that's awesome.

Thanks! In an update, I've gotten three likes on one book, and now a like came through on a completely different book I tweeted as well, so now I need to get that query ready to go too. Not Freaking Out. Freaking Out. O_o

Very much so! I met a group of five of his debut authors at WorldCon this year (didn't get to talk to Sam directly) but they had good things to say about him. I'll send the query on in a few minutes!

Thanks @kaisa! Trying not to squee too much...I have to run 4 belt tests in karate tonight! That's what I was thinking on querying. Probably will try to get it out tomorrow. He only wants a query and first 5 pages, so if you send the first batch on, I can adjust them before I send. I'll definitely run the query by you if you don't mind. Not sure who the other favorite was...looks like another writer?

Gah--freaking out a bit. Got a favorite from Sam Morgan at JABberwocky for Fruits of the Gods on SFFpit today! @kaisa How long have you waited to query on one of these?

Well, there's been a lot of commentary on this already, so I can't add too much more. I generally agree with the assessment of the others. Too many names to start, no description of the airship (which if this is a steampunk, NEEDS to be in there) and some weird overexplainy banter. I think out of everything, Neon's point above is the one to pay most attention to: You have a lot of good explanation for what's going on, but you're telling people after the fact, not in your writing. Notes while reading; pg 4: "but I do happen to be the most … stable … out of all of us.” --ok, a team of self-aware sociopaths has my interest... pg 4: "Wait.” S stared at him. “I’m older than you are, K!” --What does this mean? pg 5: losing the names a little. I have S, K, and N. The others are getting muddled together. pg 6 "none-decoy" --non-decoy Pg 6: okay, getting more on the crew. D is the planner and R does not. pg 7: "A? Where is she?” --alright, so Kis possibly seeing people... pg 10: “I don’t know it either, but I thought it would be an appropriate answer." --A bit meta, but this is starting to read as schizophrenic. There's a lot of action going on, but not really a plot yet. pg 11: "Sdrew his custom revolver, and executed a quick spin round his fingers. “I’m actually more of a gunslinger." --Ah. This is what's been bothering me. This is reading more like the beginning to an RPG than a book. MC is thrown in media rez with a bunch of strange people, just about to start a training/escort mission. The crew make topical and possibly 4th wall breaking jokes. pg 11: "The walls rippled, and the room was replaced." --This is also bothering me. So far, you have swords, axes, bows, guns, airships, elemental ring magic (maybe) and whatever this magic is. I'm losing track of where and when the setting is. pg 13: “I am D K, daughter of..." --This doesn't mean anything to me yet. I don't know anything about the world. pg 14: "sat in the helm of the ship" --I don't think we've gotten a description of the ship yet. At least here you say it's an airship, but I have no idea what it looks like. pg 14: "On the right, the ship’s. Eternity’s Beginning II. Prince A-t’s personal airship." --Again, don't know why this is significant, not knowing about the society. pg 16-19: Getting a bit lost in who's who. I thought this was an escort? and is this their village or a hostile one? Why is the admiral there? Mostly confused.

Spaceships are always popular for Space opera, as are weird aliens. Maybe something with the Nug pod approaching a planet? Or Ek and Mik meeting a Nug? If the first book doesn't have any of the MCs on it, would be good to get a general impression of them. All three in the pod? Or, could use something nearer the climax and have a picture of Ard's capital and how the planet is set up in relation to the trees.

I actually (gasp) quite enjoyed this chapter, for all the griping I've done in the past on the legal sections. Notes below on how I was following it. It has a lot of the political development I was missing with the first draft, which I like. It is a bit impenetrable, but once I got over the first section, it started to flow better. On Adrichel (whom I'm assuming is Melqueth? you never actually say): 1) Overall impressions: Bold, entitled, assumes he has power over others. I was actually surprised he didn't push back harder. He could have. Seems to be a mostly benevolent power(?). I agree with Hobbit on the creepy undertones as well, especially at the end. 2) Goals: I must assume he didn't use his authority as a Senator because he wanted something from Lasila. Probably to set her up with Eshrin, because...Don't know yet. 3) Story role: He's certainly manipulating something, and seem to want to see Lasila closer to power. Not sure why, unless there's some attraction, but he also seems to be already attached to Eshrin? pg 2: "Oh, not in the ways you notice first," says Senator Melqueth, --this is a great line. pg 2: confused on blocking. Is the guard Eshrin? Is Eshrin the same as Master Linphori? pg 2: Eshrin was a good two years ahead of us...The only payment she'd take was kisses. --confused here. Who is the "she" referring to? I thought it was to the sister who taught them (?), but writing makes it sound like Eshrin. pg 2: "I'll provisionally accept" --accept what? Is this referring to the question a few paragraphs back about the guard being witness? I think so, but it was disjointed in the middle. (my running commentary of the legal battle) pg 3: ok--talking about when they have a kid...got it but I don't really care about what the length of time is. "which would give us, in order, Linphori, Judessa, Judessa." ---Annnd you lost me. Talking about who gets the money? Who the child will belong to? Honestly my eyes are glazing over. (Edit from reading your above comments: I never thought about the birthrate thing, and I've read that in a previous version. I think including it will go a long way to clearing up the first section. Making it very clear that they are dividing up children to houses will go a long way. After this section it's fairly clear, if read carefully.) "Nine thousand. For a Judessa" --ok, this sounds like which house the child will belong to "Let's say if a boy to Linphori and a girl to Judessa, based on the initial assumption. And nine thousand."" --ok, I think I'm following this. They're making sure the houses continue. Hope the money amount isn't important though, cause I'm not going to remember it. pg 4: "has a firm requirement she be permitted to pursue other companions through the term of the marriage," --This is much clearer than last chapter. pg 4: "Should she opt to keep them, any resultant children are to be legally considered as fathered by Lord Linphori. " --Eh? This seems...excessive. I wouldn't think any house would agree to blindly accepting bastard children, but then, I don't know enough about this society to really know. "No children to come of any of Iluya's other liaisons parentage to be verified by a qualified member of any major guild of water-mages and terminated if not his. At lower classes than this I would have no objection to legal fatherhood, but bloodline does matter among listed nobles." --yeeaaah...have to agree. To the point where I don't even know why this came up. pg 5: "In the event of failure" --meaning failure to prevent pregnancy, or a miscarriage? I'm guessing this means if Iluya accidentally gets pregnant, based on the next paragraph. Still some disbelief that Rienri would then accept the child. Seems like an easy loophole for Iluya to "accidentally" get pregnant with whomever she wanted. pg 5: "That's a fashion that hasn't trickled to the middle classes yet."" --hmmm...she doesn't want to be identified as middle class in the paragraph above this. pg 5: The whole section with Melqueth suddenly playing dress-up with Lasila reads as...strange, and possible very over a boundary for two who have just been discussing business? It does sort of make sense if he wants to set her up to arrive with Eshrin, but a strange way to get there. pg 5: "She can do without being the coin in a transaction" --yeah, this exactly. Doesn't this really denigrate her barganing power as a lawyer to go along with this arrangement right after negotiaton

@kaisa sure: I actually belong to a couple. I stumbled on this one on Goodreads a couple months ago: https://www.goodreads.com/group/show/154447-support-for-indie-authors They are very active, with lots of support. They also run big sales 3 or 4 times a year. It helps get word out for lots of Indie authors at the same time. They have a lot of really great information about marketing strategies, where/how to do promotions, Kindle and Amazon info, etc. This is another Indie author group a friend of mine belongs to, and I got my books listed: http://www.indyauthorsunited.com/science-fiction However, they don't seem to do a whole lot of marketing for the site. There's also these two sites where you can list your books for people to find. Not sure what the returns are. I don't think I've sold any through them. Booklife will let you submit your books to get a review from them. Mine was refused, though they didn't give a reason. They have a ton of requests. http://www.iauthor.uk.com/ http://booklife.com/

Looking forward to it @kaisa!

Congrats on finishing the big edits @kaisa! Not too much to report from Pitmad, unfortunately--only one real like, and it was a small press with some questionable credentials. I looked into them a bit and got a lot of red flags, though it's possible they're improved in the last year or so. In other news, I'm planning to submit this monster to DongWon Song as soon as I'm confident on edits and have a good query. I met him on the writer's cruise this year and he seems to be very interested in epic fantasy and social and class discussion. Fingers crossed!

I have similar comments to the ones above: too meta, too rambling, too, infodumpy. Like Kaisa, I think the concept has merit, but your easily cut out half of this prologue. Neongrey says it well in how prologues are inherently flawed. The voice is good, but right on the edge of turning me off with the meta telling-me-a-story. It's going to be hard to keep it right on the line of not annoying, but still fresh. I'm interested in the world, but it seems like all of this is telling things that have already happened. Seems like the chambermaid is the MC, and you only get to the real beginning of the story in the last couple pages. You could easily cut everything before that or move it into tiny pieces during the story. Notes as I read: Second paragraph is a bit too meta. End of page 3 is the same thing - bringing attention to colors that are not what is stated in the story. pg 5: "Those colors are real, by the way. Remember them." --This insistence on colors is getting strange. pg 5: "He so skinny that" --he was so... Four horsemen, anyone? pg 5: "He was shouting in that ways that doesn’t sound" --didn't pg 5, bottom half: there's a lot of telling and some infodumping here. pg 7 is a lot of infodump pg 10: "wouldn’t make you square with a normal person" --strange expression

Ah, there's the disconnect, I am thinking of "exclusivity" in the legal definition (non-exclusive rights, for example), since they were talking about the marriage of two influential people. I'm sure they have multiple holdings and interests, and you mentioned "assets" in the last sentence. Keep in mind I'm also coming at this as having been happily married for 12 years, so I don't often think of non/exclusivity in relationships. Make sense now, but keep in mind you may have to pound the meaning into those of us with denser skulls ;-) "Open marriage" gets the point across to me a lot easier. To answer your other question, I will sometimes stop in the middle of a paragraph or even sentence when something strikes me as odd. I sometimes have to go back and erase or adjust a comment because it's literally explained in the next sentence after I comment on it.

I don't mean the contract is non-pertinent. The language you use, however, is very technical and not clear to me. Lots of talk of clauses, assets, and exclusivity. Not being a lawyer, I don't really understand (or care) what all this stuff means. For instance, I feel like this line is important: "Lasila, naturally, does not ask why Iluya requires no exclusivity with her husband," but I have no idea what it means. Lasila might very well talk like this, as she is a lawyer. But as a reader, I want you to tell me why it matters to the plot without me having to look up legal phrases.

Thanks! For anyone wondering, @kaisa is also great at digging out problems in a story! @JanellR72 I would take you up on alpha reading, but I'm full up at the moment, with reading for kaisa and working on two of my own books at once... Maybe when I get this latest draft finished I can read over something for you, but it will probably be end of the year.

Epigraphs: I always like them. Just haven't commented on them. They seem fine. Are they connected to the story, or just in world references that are somewhat related to the chapter? pg 1: "It's the main canal that serves my neighbourhood," she says, slumping in her seat" --this seems to come out of nowhere. Not sure what she's talking about. pg 2: Eyes starting to glaze over during all the details of the proposal. Not sure how much it matters to the story. pg 4: "letting her shoulders fall forward just so" --Why? Varinen isn't looking at her pg 4/5: The discussion between Lasila and Varinen is good. I didn't think anyone was unreasonable. Varinen had some good points about her safety and advice on the senator. Lasila had the same concerns of Varinen leaving her to run a household. pg 6/7: the attack is well done. Gives us some information on the magic system.

Similar reactions to the others here, so I'll try not to repeat. I also picked everything up I needed to from this chapter, so I don't think the prologue is needed, unless those people somehow appear again. A bit too much fighting overall. I know they're practicing, but at this point I want to be introduced to the characters and plot and why I should care. Interesting worldbuilding. We see an automaton (not sure if it's magic or tech) but people are still fighting with sword and staves. The Tah-baton seemed more advanced as well, but I'm not sure of the overall tech level. Also, FYI, "Vorin" makes me think Stormlight Archive. May want to adjust the name. pg 17: "I can't smell the heat" - is this supposed to be "I can smell the heat?" I was also confused that the Vorin who was grunting at them before went off into a soliloquy about sword fighting. Seems inconsistent. Overall, interesting beginning and it has some potential!

Since I've reviewed the first version, I'll focus on what you specifically asked about. I think the unfamiliar terms are better this time. I didn't have a problem with them, though whether that's because I read this before, I can't say. Notes while reading: Celsior and Celsitudum are sort of confusing pg 3: "Got a description, ma’am. It was fairly accurate; though it neglected to mention how pretty you are." --still makes my skin crawl. pg 4: Cedrinalia. With this and the first two C-words, now I'm really confused. pg 4: "Just then, a porter pulling a heavy-laden barrow " --for this to be effective, the threat needs to come right after she gets pushed against the wall, not a paragraph later. pg 5: "Not that I ever complain about holding hands with a pretty lady" --yeah, there are better ways to say this. Could just leave off "with a pretty lady" and the point will probably come across. pg 5: “I just didn’t think you’d be superstitious. It’s rather cute, actually.” -nope. Also, Laurea hasn't made any response to any of the overt things he's said so far, so it comes across as him being creepy and pushy. If she accepted his flirting (for lack of better word) and encouraged him, that would be another thing. pg 6: "He flashed another of those dazzling smiles, “also, because you like me.” --unless he's telepathic, she's given no sign of that. The banter at very the end is much better. Putting that sort of thing earlier will at least let us know Laurea is hearing him and either encouraging him or not. I think Janus still comes across as a creep, but you can put Laurea in charge of the situation by responding or cutting off his advances rather than let him just keep making them with no response.

@Robinski Awesome! Thanks so much! Looks like I got an unrelated review on the same day, so two new ones. Yay! @krystalynn03 It came out in August. I think I posted about it... *checks* yep, back on page 17. It was buried in the middle of a lot of other conversations, though. Need to have arm-flailing graphics next time! Speaking of arm-flailing.... Congrats!

Congrats @Robinski! And for writing too! Looking forward to the story.

Similar thoughts to the others, so I won't repeat. I think the bulk of the story is still too long to get to the point, which is the choice. If you want to keep working with this story to make it stronger, I'd put more emphasis on figuring out what you want to do with it. You say you have something bigger to say in the ending, but I don't think it comes across yet. I was a little surprised that was the end, and was looking for more input from the character on what she would choose and why. It would be different for everyone, so we need more information on the character to tell. That Charlotte has cancer actually has little to do with the story. She just as easily could have been given the pill as an experiment to correct her eyesight, or a birth defect, or something else. You might want to look at what making this choice means for her and then weave that back through the story. Hope this helps!

This was easy to read, as usual, however, I didn't feel a lot of tension or momentum in this submission. There were a lot of names, and none of the one-off councilors really added anything. In addition, the training session at the end didn't really go anywhere. What is Atena's point here? What are her plans? Why is she doing all this? You did show her anger at the council, but unless something comes of it, it doesn't progress the story. pg 1: gingerly Pushed energy through her skin, levitating the dark grey plates off her body and onto the mannequin. " --this seems like a waste of magic. If she can do this, magic users can act as elevators for the city. pg 2: "Everyone in the room could sense her displeasure " --POV slip. Should be something like, "she hoped everyone in the room could..." pg 2: "‘Trying to absolve herself of blame, more like,’ Silvanus spat." --Didn't know Silvanus was in the room. pg 3: "‘I can,’ Marcus confirmed --oh, Marcus is here too. Anyone else? pg 3: "For a few seconds, a heavy silence fell over the Council" --how many people are here? pg 3: "they’re stories told by children around dumpster fires" --do children regularly gather around dumpster fires? How often do these happen (every 4 years, maybe...?) pg 4: lots of names and they all seem ineffective. Don't know why they even need to be introduced individually, if they aren't going to add anything. pg 5: ". A shout went up and the thick wood opened up slowly to allow her entrance, protesting against the uneven volcano floor. " --this is what I mean about magic. If it's so prevalent, this should be automated. pg 5: ‘I’d like to take a lesson,' --take, or give? Pg 6: I'm not quite sure why Atena is drilling students. Is she hoping to make some difference? If so, one class is not going to do anything. And then she finishes the class and sends everyone home. Not sure what the point was.

I seem to have similar comments to Kaisa, as usual. A little confused as to where we are on the first page, but then, this is chapter 6. What are the ages of the siblings? Maybe it's just that they're talking with and about kids a lot, but Sofia especially has some pretty young-sounding dialogue and actions. More evidence for Sofia being immature: she starts on the story and then collapses from--too much dreamwork? Not quite sure what happened to her. Seems like she's asleep, but she keeps adding to the story. Can she just not move? Putting the lore of the world into a story works well, especially here. Glad to see the origins for all the dreams. The magic does seem a little unbounded. I guess they are dreams, but I'd like to see some consequence to using too much or misusing the ability to work with dreams. pg 6: "No, come on, it's not even a long walk." "And you can't even carry me, such a weakling." --more immaturity from Sofia. Ellis is almost condescending to her, not that she doesn't deserve it. I like reading this story. It's very light and has lots of cool ideas. I'm not really sure where it's heading, however. I might be missing some things since we haven't seen all the chapters, though. As this is chapter 6, I wouldn't mind seeing some more plot development rather than just putting children to sleep. Though the story is good, it could probably be condensed to allow more room for plot

@kaisa: I think @Silk is the only one with the email list. Not sure what's going on. @Chaos may be able to help out, though.