Mandamon

I see I have similar reactions to kaisa and Alfa. I'm also still missing a hook, though this is an improvement over last time. Also, since this is just the prologue, I'd be interested in reading the first couple chapters to see what the story gets into. Why is this a prologue? What changes between this and the main story? My thoughts exactly. pg 1: There's a lot of talk here, and a resolution of a battle, but not a lot of action to draw me into the story. I don't really care that the troops won yet, because I don't know what they're fighing for. pg 2: Again, lots of talk, nothing really happening. The explanation about Kendaryk's daughter could probably be cut down to the bare essentials at this point. pg 6: "Kendaryk walked around the table, and placed a hand on her shoulder" --why? This seems like a lot of effort to make a statement. This whole interlude with the town that's been hit doesn't add much. How does speaking to the head woman further the plot? Dialogue: I would try reading your dialogue out loud and see how it sounds. It reads a little stilted.

Overall: Yes, I'm engaged with the Brides. Not sure who is the villain? Krieger? On Rex: there weren't any really present here, but I scanned through the first chapter and they seem more rational, but still good enemies. I also like the worldbuilding with the whale rat. I don't think it slows things down too much, and it's good to see what animal life survived and how. Didn't directly see Oz being less competent, but I will look for it. I like Elanor's introduction here. The tags you've put on her (she OWNS a city) mean I will remember her character better. So yes, I think this version is better. Notes while reading: pg 2: "The Brides are going to see me...Not a second later a trio of Brides pass in front of me." --(C) I assume Oz is hiding somewhere, which is why the brides don't see him? Unclear. pg 3: (C?) Interesting lack of reaction to Oz not wearing a mask. I'm not sure if I should be surprised at this point in the story or not, since this is an earlier chapter. pg 6: (A) ok--better introduction of Eleanor, and this explains the lack of reaction.

Well, I went ahead and put in the "feeding poor children" storyline and I can already tell it ties the story together better. Thanks again to spieles!

Awesome to hear all this, kaisa! I look forward to buying the published version next year!

General thoughts: I seem to have similar comments to kaisa on Lasila, orgies, and the magic... I like that Lasila and Savae finally meet up, and that we learn something of the magic of the world. I enjoyed Savae's POV, as usual, more than Lasila's, though Lasila had some good parts this time. However, she still seems less proactive, and more reactive which degrades her likeability, I think. I didn't particularly have a problem with Aserahin. Honestly there's so many different names and titles here I still haven't identified, I couldn't really tell if someone was anachronistic or not. Per Kaisa's orgy dance, I too thought this was very tame, especially for the buildup we've seen in the story. Could see a LOT more here without it really even getting an "R" rating. Notes while reading: pg 1/2: "thumbing Lasila's corset against her back" --You mentioned something like this a few times, but I don't have a good visual for it. Is she pressing the corset into Lasila's skin? Seems uncomfortable. pg 3: Mirie/Ilie/Essa/etc. --Still completely lost on the forms of address. It's been explained several times, but I can't seem to what means what. I wouldn't bring it up, except you mention it a lot, so I can't help but think it's important to the story. Maybe some sort of appendix/intro is in order with the types of address, so the reader can refer to them? --especially since there's then things like "miladies." Wouldn't the titles instead become a sort of form of address rather than the stardard we know? Like My Lady -> M'Lady? Would it be "Essas" or something? pg 4: "since the time the eldest gods turned their eyes from the world and the city fell" --interesting worldbuilding --The middle couple paragraphs drag here. There's a bit of infodump, as well as some "as you know" information. Not sure where you would put it, but I would have liked to see some of this earlier to give some more development to the world. Maybe in Savae's earlier chapter? --Also this didn't really go anywhere. Is Lasila magical? Did the two of them cast some spell? pg 5: "veiled shudkathra...birth forth a foreign god " --interesting. I want to know more about the ritual, and why the enemy they're fighting is the one necessary for it.

Similar thoughts to Eagle on this. I liked all three characters, though Moth probably the least, as I didn't catch her motivation as much as the others. The robot, I'm assuming, didn't have much choice, and Quirk seemed to be doing it for amusement and respect. Quirk was my favorite character, and very intriguing. I want to know why/how he has so much wealth and who Fantano is, if Quirk jumps to do his bidding. Moth, is, basically, a brat. She seems to have a lot of anger to random strangers, which is not unheard of, but as I said, takes away from her motivation. Why take this job for what seems like not a lot of pay, if she's basically telling everyone to screw off. I at first thought Mister Grimes was Quirk, playing along, but that seems not to be the case. Like Eagle, I enjoyed the Azimov aspect of the robot perspective, though it doesn't, of course, have much personality. On worldbuilding, it was generally enjoyable, near/far future Earth. I liked the omnipresent restaurant (Taken from Demolition Man, perhaps?) and the extrapolation of future country bloc lineups. Interested to see what the story holds!

Glad to be reading this again. It's a good story, and better this time around, so far. Right off the bat, Forging and the Mark are much clearer, though I still had a questions below. I've stuck to the A/B/C/D format General Note: (C/D) eye color changing: I'd be careful here not to get overly complicated. I wouldn't be able to remember more than about three associations, and then probably just for one character. You also tell about eye color changing a lot in a person's POV. You can't see your own eye color. Notes while reading: pg 2: "You were “shown” the truth,’ he repeated. ‘Who showed you?’ I am an idea, not a name. Do not reveal who you serve." --(A) This is a much better hook than the first time around. A lot less religious questions come up. pg 2: "Abaddon…’ he stopped himself, but the damage had already been done." --(B/D) Aaand...this brings the tension back down. We're immediately told who the big bad is. I'd pefer to be left in the dark for a few chapters at least to find out who could be directing Lucifer himself. pg 3: "He had discovered Lucifer’s intentions weeks before the Archangel had brought him to Earth" --(D) this doesn't jive with how Hellas was acting. I didn't think he knew. pg 4: "Catherine froze when Hellas burst into her office" --(D) so the city is already being sacked and Catherine doesn't know it? pg 4: "A pale, sickly shade of green in her eyes " --(D) Catherine wouldn't know her own eye color. Also pg 5 "Her eyes returned to their calm, deep green shade. " pg 5: ‘Host doctrine states that in urban warfare, the larger force almost always wins,’ --(D) I'm no strategist, but I would think the side that knows the terrain would have a huge advantage. pg 5: ‘You’d better have a good reason for waking me up like this.’ --(D) No one seems to hear or realize the city is under attack? pg 6: "Almost three thousand soldiers slashed and hacked their way through the legions of farmers and craftsmen. " --(C) what? Who's attacking who? I thought the Host companies were on Hellas' side? --or are the farmers and craftsmen Lucifer's? pg 6: "silent prayer for their souls, which now rested comfortably in the Void" --(A) Good to know. We need the answer to "where to angels go when they die?" pg 6: "Lucifer was clearly overconfident, leaving only five guards to cover him while the rest rampaged through the city streets." --(D) Hopefully there's some other plan in place and Lucifer isn't just stupid. pg 7: "vermillion rune" --(C) Don't yet know what the difference between the Mark and the runes are. pg 7: "A brown rune flashed on his forearm and an identical, larger rune flashed on the ground in front of him, reflecting his connection with the earth" --Is it element-based? Then what does the green rune mean? pg 8: "In the heat of the moment it seemed like the Ha’Satan had forgotten that fact" --(C) what fact? pg 9: "Hellas jolted awake," --(C) This section is unclear. Was all the above a dream, or is this just a large jump in time? Either way, the transition is awkward. pg 10: "The events of the dream had taken place twelve years ago" --(D) ok, evidently it was a dream. But dreams are unreliable. Why not just note that this is 12 years later? pg 10: "Fallen and demons " --(C) What's the difference? pg 10: "‘You are under arrest.’" --(A) Good ending for the first chapter/prologue.

Yep, I was thinking something along those same lines. I've already changed the relationship quite a bit, based on everyone's feedback, so I might wait until one of my beta readers (just sent this out Saturday) gives me some direction on how well it's working now.

Welcome to reading Excuses! There were some inconsistencies in this, but more early on. The writing got better as the story progresses. Very good job in writing something not in your native tongue! As to plot, this seems...compressed. Almost to the point where it's more a list of things that happened rather than a story. The characters come across as sketches, and I would like to know more about them rather than just a list of events. I felt like I didn't know enough about the religion to know how things worked, This would probably work well as a prologue, to set up the universe, before starting years in the future, with whoever the main character is (I didn't see one here...) On timelines, there were months, periods, centi and deca periods. Not sure what the relationship is. I thought periods = years, but reading farther I wasn't sure. Notes as I read: pg 1: "almost nameless" either it is or it isn't nameless pg 1: hang -> hung pg 1: "face hid behind a duster" --I think a duster is a jacket? pg 1: "he didn’t lose a word" --didn't say a word pg 1: "medicaments" --medicine? medication? pg 1: "Neither had asked the other’s name." --in three months? Surely they needed something to call each other besides "hey you?" pg 2: Before, you say there are millions of Centas, but on the next page it seems this particular one is key to the war effort. Can't they just get another of the millions of Centas? pg 2: “That plan’s to risky”, --too pg 3: "cask of a stomach' --not sure what this means

Heh. That's awesome.

Thanks Spieles! Just read through the LBLs as well. You make some good points about the ending. Oddly enough, I did originally have the pills be the ones with the poison, but it got changed in an early edit. I did another read through earlier this week and caught a lot of the slow places you mention, largely thanks to the LBLs of the first couple sections. I especially like the ideas in #6 above. The majus is one of the characters in my other books, but I like Prot being the one to realize what needs to be done. Going to do some more editing this coming week...

Great feedback as usual. @Robinski: great LBLs as usual. I will make the easy corrections tonight. As to the larger problems, I think everyone is at least consistent in what's not working, so I'll have a think about what to do with it. I'm also going to send it out to some beta readers with the changes so far, to see if I've fixed some of the set-up with Prot and Amra's relationship and Prot's business acumen. Like you say, I may need to devote a few more sentences to a line-up of the crew to get them across more concretely. @krystalynn: Seems like you hit on a lot of the same points (so it's not just Robinski carping about things ;-) ). I'm glad it's consistent, at least, which gives me a target to work to. Happy to see that you're satisfied by the end and the promises got fulfilled. Thanks for the LBLs. You have a knack for hitting those parts I where I need to cut out a few sentences! Oh, and thanks for the title suggestions, everyone. I think those are a lot closer to the heart of the story. Now i just have to decide that, and to decide an overall name for the collection that will include this story and "The First Majus in Space."

Awesome feedback, kaisa! Interesting. Just did a search on stage direction. Parentheses does seem to be the accepted format. Italics might be an acceptable alternative. Anyone else know what is technically correct? Good catch on the explosive not harming the crew. I never even though of that! Would it be more realistic if the blast went off behind or in the group of Sureriaj? Though I do need to give the crew some splash damage. Still struggling the the relationship and Amra vs. kids, as usual, but I'm glad the adopting part did what it was supposed to! Thanks again!

I had a similar reaction to Alfa. This was pretty well written, but there wasn't anything that really pulled me in. As Alfa says, it's made of mainly clichés that have been done before. What's new and exciting about your story? What's the Strange mixed with the Familiar? Give us that and we'll be hooked. Notes as I read: pg 2-3: The description of the Barebloods now doesn't really help, as we aren't meeting them at the moment. Enough to say they're enemies and then describe them when they appear. pg 4: "knowing that it killed him seeing it fade behind him." --we're already in his POV, so show his regret in leaving, don't tell there's lots of "extra" description that is not necessarily needed and bogs down the story: what clothes people are wearing, the horse's name, description of the soldier and Kendaryk's voice, etc. Not that they aren't good things to have, but at the moment I'm still getting into the story and they are distracting. pg 4: "They used weapons similar to the human's, though they had distinct differences. Where the soldiers used swords, spears, and bows made from steel and wood, the Barebloods used swords and spears made from steel and bone. Kendaryk had never seen them use wood where they could use bone." --An example of the extra description: all this section could be distilled down to "where the soldiers used steel and wood, the Barebloods used steel and bone. Kendaryk had never seen them use wood where they could use bone." pg 6: Generally all caps are frowned upon, unless you're Robert Jordan writing in the creator's words, or Terry Pratchett's Death.

Hello all. Here is the last section of Escapade of Silence. Summary: Prot and his crew are selling spices on Sureri, not very well, when they are interrupted by a protest march. They drive their transport through the crowd, taking care not to injure anyone, but their sales the next day are non existent. Prot is approached by a well-dressed Sureri who leads Prot to his grand-dame, a finely dressed female Sureri of the Frente family who offers a rush job of medical supplies for an epidemic of Shudders on Methiem. She also gives them a contact to sell the remaining spices, at a reduced rate. Prot takes Saart and Kamuli to negotiate with the thuggish Sureriaj who hold the cargo and insist it can't be opened, while Amra sells the spices at a loss. She gets to the warehouse just in time to help Prot get the spices loaded before a fight starts with the thugs. They travel to the portal ground, chased by law enforcement of the Naiyul family, where only the intervention of the majus there lets them travel through the portal to Methiem. On Methiem, they get stuck in a long line and investigated by a grumpy old customs agent, who demands to see the cargo. Prot and crew have just discovered they can't open the crates, due to some device of maji--specifically the House of Potential. There are none around, but Prot remembers he bought the transport from an old maji of the House of Potential. He and Saart find the majus in a junkyard. The Maji opens the cargo and gives a warning that something is not right. He also wants payment. Prot and crew park outside the city, and Kamuli analyzes the medicine, finding portion of the pills from the Baldek family contain an additive that renders Methiemum sterile. The crew debates what to do, and finally rests for the night. They will meet with their contacts early in the morning. Mary's "ABCD" reviewing system: --what you think is Awesome --What you are Bored by --What you are Confused by --What you Don't believe Specific things: Does the species "explanation" on page 7 work? Have I fulfilled my promises? Is the ending satisfying? Does the title work for you? Other suggestion are welcome. LBLs and grammar comments are appreciated, as always.

And I even edited down to 5500 words!

Yes! Listened to this a month or so ago. I thought it was a terrific episode and outlines some of what we're talking about in this thread. We need more of this sort of thing in our culture.

Awesome! Don't know how much I can realistically cram in a novelette format, but at least knowing the above will help me point the text in the right direction...

Thanks to kaisa and krystalynn! Awesome feedback, and I'm going to do some writing and editing right after I finish this response... This was my original intent, that Saart was being the practical one, and before they realized the poison could be added to other drugs, it's really not a big deal. However, I might need to get your input on broad spectrum poisons since you have much more biological knowledge than I do. Is it reasonable that a compound could be added to multiple drugs with this affect (assuming I bump the emotion up a bit)? Also yes definitely on the scientific gadgets! What items and chemicals would you use to break down compounds and analyze them? Lol. Glad you liked it! This is the effect on the reader I was hoping for. So page 9-10 seem like they need more of an overhaul. Will do. I've already tweaked part of the Colonel's part with the cargo, but you both have some good observations here. Off to do more hacking and slashing!

OK--I resisted replying to Neon's first comment about assuming gender, because it's Neon's story, and I knew it would lead to this sort of discussion, but now since that can of worms has been opened, I'm gonna throw my two cents in. So... I completely agree that no one here has any malice against any non binary gender. Like Robinksi, I'm curious. It's a thing that is becoming more prevalent in society, and so I (as a cis white male) want to know more so as not to give offense. My original question was from a worldbuilding stance. Is Savae's nonbinary a normal part of society (and if so why haven't we seen it yet), thus would Lasila (who I am projecting on, being the reader) know the correct term? Honestly, I disagree that you should not want to even mention something that is a changing part of society. If it's something that you want to not be questioned on in the future, you have to educate others to start. I'm vegetarian, (which was a much bigger thing 20 years ago) and so I've grown up answering questions like "Do you get enough protein," "Where do you eat," and "But do you eat X type of meat." Obviously not exactly the same thing, but I've worked to educate others, and now I get fewer questions. So personally, I think this would be a great story to go to a larger press. But if that happens, the alpha/beta reader questions that come up here are going to come up again. And you're going to have to answer them in story. If you don't want to answer them, I think you're going to keep dealing with this contention for a long time. Up to you. Ok, enough ranting. If you want me not to mention that part of the story and give feedback on the rest, will do. Just let me know.

Awesome edits, Spieles, and thanks for the LBLs. I preemptively corrected some of the places you've tagged yesterday while editing. I think thanks to your LBLs, I now have a little Spieles voice in my head telling me where to cut things! I've attacked this from a different direction, but I the above as well, holding the reader in suspense. I'll have to take another look at that section. Thanks again!

Thanks all for the feedback! Looks like the top things to correct are: 1) Reactions to the big reveal. I will ramp this up a notch. (And yes, baby was intentional, if in bad taste from Saart) 2) What to do about the big reveal - hopefully this will be answered to your satisfaction in the last section, but I'm going to go do some rewrites anyway... 3) Prot/Amra relationship (as usual). Still working on this as well. Thanks again! I'm off to do edits.

Ahh yes. This would have helped a lot. Overall, there was a lot here, but I'm not sure if I know what it was. I enjoyed Savae's section a lot more, as they have some sort of agenda they are following. Interested to see where that turns up. as for Lasila...she sort of floats through this section. She's not very proactive, and I don't have a basis for all the political talk, so it mostly ended up being distracting. For an orgy, this is a lot more like a formal dinner party... Notes as I read, attempting to actually notate with the ABCD system. pg 1 (C): "Savae stretched out the bulb that was once the bowl of the glass, thinning it. A third or a quarter or so, and and of those all but two or three would only know that something was coming." --I like Savae messing with the glass while thinking, but I had to read this paragraph a couple times. I don't think the ideas were connected well enough. pg 1 (C): "When his eyes met Savae's they paused for half a second, a bare acknowledgement, before he moved on. He'd be ready. It'd be a while before they could get the real glass." --ok, I get that something's going on, but I'm mainly confused at this point. I guess Savae is getting some sort of DNA from the senator? Not sure why at this point, as I don't know what Savae even does. (Edit: your description above will help this out) pg 2 (C) : "Eshrin" is close enough to "Aserahin" that I had to make sure it wasn't some derivative form. pg 2 (C) : "Above all else, she needed to remember why she was here" --a reminder might be nice here. Partially WRS, but with all the intervening chapters I've lost sight of what her aim is. pg 2 (D): "Was that a human?..." --ok, this is new. I wasn't aware there were humans around, and Lasila's list of how humans are different from aelin really pops me out of the story here and makes me re-evaluate the picture I'm made up in my mind of Lasila. Evidently the aelin are a lot slimmer and more androgynous than humans... --an additional note: is this Savae? Would Lasila know to use a gender neutral term, or would she assume a gender based on what she sees? pg 3 (B): tending to skim over all the clothing descriptions. --in fact, most of the rest of this page and half of pg 4 I sort of skimmed through. I don't know enough about the political and financial movements of senators to really care at this point. pg 5 (D): "affianced" --had to look this up. Technically correct, but here it sounds fairly pretentious.

I agree with Robinski that Oz's reliance on Brick to move around does make him much less proactive. It's all a bit deus-ex-machina. Makes me wonder how much power Brick has. On the board wanting Oz to go, I don't find this unbelievable. They all know who he is and what he can do, and they're shown to be some power-hungry people. Who better to push him to rescue his mother? Like Robinski, I'm not sure what the scenes at the hospital added, save that Calgary is not there. And yes, the board's children do seem to pop up all over the place! My biggest issue is more that I'm not aware of all the class underpinnings going on, mainly because I'm not yet sure who's who. I guess Pascal is higher class, but not as rich as the board? Is her aunt on the board or not? Some more description of how this city works would be helpful. I can't imagine that Oz would be familiar with it yet since he just arrived in the city. Could be a good chance for some disguised infodumping... And switching between Pascal and Fara threw me off as well. I still enjoyed the chapter, despite some of the confusion. The pacing is still good, though Oz's time in the city is obviously a slow down from fighting rex. also this: pg 10: "The backs of my eyes prickle. " --this sounds painful.

Can I also get in for the 11th? This will be the last submission for Escapade of Silence, but it will also be almost 6000 words, if that's alright with everyone. I'd love to get this finished out so I can finish up corrections.