Mandamon

Awesome!

Awesome! Looking forward to seeing you there! (and Baxter...) Passports are really easy. Just start them early (like now). Using them on the cruise is more a formality than anything. You'll have to show them to get back on the ship from the various islands, but that's all. Just keep it with you. Last year we all got handy lanyards with pouches so we didn't lose any important documents. Also, once you book there's a handy google group for the cruise-goers. Should be able to answer any planning questions you have. Last year there was also some block hotel rooms available for booking the night before.

Seconded.

Welcome to reading excuses! I'm the "at least one more Eng" Robinski is referring to, and as such, our comments tend along the same line... Notes: 1st excerpt: "scale models of contractions" --Constructions? contraptions? "Victor noticed none of these things." --yet you just spent a paragraph describing them and we're in Victor's POV... "They were completely smooth and extended several miles above the city streets." --that's a really big wall. Probably took ages to build. "a million years ago" --that's a really long time ago... "Victor wasn't so sure. He had found a way through the walls." --So then he should know what's on the other side? But you say above this that no one knows what's on the other side. I don't really have enough context to know about Victor just from this snippet, but the world seems interesting so far. He's obviously interested in technical things. 2nd excerpt: "dark albeit some natural light" --albeit *with* some? "blueprints and various contraptions" --this phrase has occured several times already... "Most boxes were covered with a thick layer of dust Victor had scavenged " --probably need a period here This is pretty much just the description of a room. I don't have a good idea of character or place. I feel like I need more context to give any meaningful reaction. 3rd excerpt: "this solution of yours” Anna had let her" --missing punctuation "than is was " --than it had been "Oh don’t you pretend you’re any smarter than I am we both know I have better marks.” --this should be two sentences. "you just smart " --you're Again, not too much to go on. Victor and Anna have a good relationship, but from what I've read it could be brother and sister, uncle and niece, boyfriend and girlfriend, or husband and wife. I'm not sure whether they are equals, bantering, or whether their conversation is more serious because one is more accomplished than the other. I liked the first excerpt best out of the three, mainly for all the engineering parts. I can probably give you a lot more feedback from reading the whole first chapter.

Hello folks--shameless plug ahead! My novella "Tuning the Symphony" is available today, and several of you helped make it possible! You can get it in print from Amazon and Createspace. It is also available at Amazon, Kobo, and Smashwords in ebook format. If you like it, tell a friend or leave me a review online. So what is this about and why would you want to read it? Here's the back of the book blurb: Change one note and the universe changes with the Symphony One apprentice will become a full majus today. The other will wait months for another suitable challenger. Rilan Ayama is skilled in using her song to change the Grand Symphony of the universe, but her opponent, Vethis, is crafty, and not above a little simple bribery. Though Rilan is counting on the support of her closest friend Origon, he remains absent. She has only a cryptic note saying important matters of his family take precedence, and he needs her help. The mystery pulls Rilan's attention away from the most important test of her life. Maji create portals to between the far flung planets of the Great Assembly of Species, but many places still remain out of easy reach. A search for Origon's brother leads Rilan and her friend across the wilds of one of the ten homeworlds. There, Rilan's fledgling skills are pushed to their limits as they investigate a secret that could bring down all six houses of the maji.

This is a good scene. However, the question of "three" is never really answered. I'm assuming this is some sort of personification of death, and its apprentice. But more than three deaths happen will at once. Does the three signify the way the souls go to their final destination? do other souls go somewhere else? Otherwise, how do mortals know about thre rule of three? The other thing that I noticed was the metaphor of the fire and the forest at the end. It felt almost tacked on (if you can tack something to 200 words). If I had seen a mention of the metaphor at the beginning as well as at the end, it would tie together better for me. One word choice comment: "Besides, humans dig for inspiration in the darkest of times and places. Taking three ensures it’s dark, but not insurmountable.”" --ensures what is insurmountable? The times? the dark? The place? Humans?

I'm just that good: people agree with me before I've even said anything! ;-) As usual, the writing is very fluid and easy to read. The descriptions here are a lot more vivid than I remember, and I can see the forest and the village clearly. I also like the new imagery of the giants. I don't think that was in the first draft. That gives a lot more menace to them early on. I think I'm biased from the reading the first version of this, where there was more introduction to Willow. I didn't have a problem as I was reading, but looking at the other comments, I do agree that the intro to this world is pretty abrupt. That said, my own learning curves are pretty high, so I'm willing to overlook it a little. On the "metamorphosis," the first time it's mentioned it sounds like just a feeling. The second time, farther down the page there is a time period for the metamorphosis and it seems like something actually happening to her body. The way it's written, Willow seems to be saying two different things. pg 3: "But she was a woman now" --I'm not certain of Willow'a age. This makes it sound like she's late teens, but at the beginning I was thinking 12-13. Maybe I'm remembering something from the first version and it's shading my perceptions. From your intro above it seems this is the first part of the first chapter. If it isn't, then it sort of trails off, and doesn't really leave us with a good hook to keep reading.

If it helps any, most of the other attendees are of like mind, so your roommate would likely be just as anxious! rdpulfer went alone last year--how was your roommate experience?

I was also convinced Baxter did the roses, so probably need a bigger hint there if it's important. Was it Sam?

I think they've transitioned over to the cruise, since that way Mary doesn't have to host folks in her parent's house, and they can have 100+ people rather than 20 or 30. Keep an eye out for the 2017 location. If the rumblings I hear are correct, if may be nearer to your side of the pond!

The sharks are quite friendly! As are the manta rays, dolphins, and turtles... (and no icebergs in the Caribbean, Robinski, unless climate change is worse than I thought). Seriously though, if you have any worries about being on a giant boat, I would try it out if you can. It's basically 15-deck luxury resort. You can't feel the ocean at all for the most part. I felt the ship moving only a couple times, mainly if I sat on the floor on one of the bottom decks. Aside from that--floating luxury resort where every day you wake up to a different place and people. There is also $500 in travel expenses included in the scholarship, which helps a lot with plane tickets.

Sorry to hear that. Take your time.

Since we're already past the strange time skip, are there any other problems, or can we critique while assuming you've corrected the timing? I'm still interested to read a few more chapters and get father into the story. You may get some different feedback that might help your overall assessment of the story. As Robinski says, the story definitely isn't flat. My problem is more the balance between the romance story and the magical story.

Hey folks--if you're not aware, registration for the 2016 cruise is open! And, if you don't think you can spend that much money, there are four scholarships available, partially funded by alumni from previous retreats. The scholarships close March 15, so get submitting! Winners will be announced in May. From personal experience, this cruise is incredible. I went on the one in 2015, with my wife. Obviously, I write SF/Fan, but she writes primarily chick lit. She got just as much out of the retreat as I did. I only wrote about 500 words while on the cruise, but I met about 100 other writers, many of whom I am still in contact with. I got a bunch of advice on writing, publishing, and general self-confidence. The instructors (not just the WX podcast crew) were very available, and helpful. This year they have even more instructors, some of whom are editors and agents. Oh yeah, and you'll be on a cruise in the Caribbean. With some of your favorite authors. Take this opportunity if you can!

I'll agree with rdpulfer--these were very strongly written chapters. There was enough magic still around to keep me interested, and some better hints on what Baxter can do and why he hasn't been doing so. I'm also very concerned about the fiancee. Kim's still leading Baxter on, though that might be by his suggestions? In any case, especially with your hints at what's coming above, I'm sort of worried I'm not going to like the next few chapters--but I'll wait and see. I didn't find anything really wrong here. I was surprised Baxter had evidently written and had books published. I wouldn't have pegged him as being able to finish anything. I'm still wanting to see more connected with the chapter1/prologue events--hopefully those will come up soon.

Fine with me, especially as you seem to be the only one for next week so far.

This is what I meant about not seeing the plot, though Robinksi has explained it much better. Also, just a note, but you seem to be explaining a lot in your responses and giving us new information not in the book. In my experience, if you have to do that, then it means that explanation may be missing from the book, or not clear enough for the reader. The challenge is to encode that information so the reader doesn't have the question in the first place. Interested to see what happens next week!

Edit: I only just saw your note above that there is a seven month time jump between ch 2 and 3. Not having known this, I was extremely confused (see below comments) until about halfway through chapter 3. I still didn't get any good feeling for how long the break was, except that it might have been a few months. "the systematic dismantling of Baxter’s world" --Does this mean the actual plot starts in the next chapter? And if that's the actual plot, then why didn't the story start at that point? Notes: pg 1: Kim's reaction seems almost too much? I don't know. She was possessed, so that's pretty terrible, but she seems to be weeping for Baxter, which doesn't really jive with what went before. Also he's only been out for a few minutes. pg 3: You directly mention Baxter's memory here, making it clear it's not to be trusted. I don't think you've actually said this in the story before. pg 4: "Try to cut's Sam's interrogation short." --Was Sam the ghost? Not sure who this is.--later on, I see Sam is the daughter. Must have forgotten. But why are they interrogating her? pg 4: Kim not talking to him --but they were just talking, a moment ago... pg 6: "Homocidal ex-girlfriend" --Are you trying to say here that Baxter's already forgotten the ghost? I'm confused. pg 6: "the flash and bang" --what does this mean? pg 8: sentence starting with "It'd been awhile..." is confusing Pg 8: "Murika Day" --So I guess this is July 4th, which would explain the flash and bang? Did we know that before? pg 12: Not really sure what's going on with this whole interchange with the cat and Kim. pg 14: So this is not the same day as before with the ghost...I didn't catch the time change at the beginning of chapter 3 pg 19: Slumber party: How old is Sam? I thought she was a young child, but this makes me think 9 or 10. pg 20: confused once again. Something about bacon, checking the freezer, and celebrating? Yet Baxter obviously needs to leave, but Kim's inviting him to stay for some reason? I'd have made him sleep in the car. Well, I have to say my overall reaction for this submission is...confused. There were several references I didn't get, and I think there's a time jump, maybe of several months, between chapter 2 and 3, but I'm not sure. There's not any progression of the door/ghost plot, and mainly just a bunch of low-level abuse from Baxter at Kim and at his daughter. Hopefully we'll find out more about the plot next time?

I cringed when I saw the beginning was in second person, but it wasn't too bad to read. I presume this mysterious figure is drinking the memories that make up the rest of the story. Like Robinksi, I thought the entry was fine, but it didn't immediately pique my interest. The characters were ok, but nothing special. I was also sort of surprised by Kang asking the girl to the ball, especially since he seemed to be very nervous and she accepted easily. I didn't really know how any of the essences would help Kang out with the ball--they seemed better for a quest of some sort. Are you planning for readers to have read your previous work and be familiar with Kang, or is this something stand-alone? Notes: --------------- pg 1: "pulled my massive wolfish dogs" --"by" pg 1: "find exposed body parts sending men to the ice bleeding." --"finding", "parts, sending" pg 1: "leap into the unit teeth bared" --"unit, teeth" pg 1: "into the unit taking" --"into the unit, taking" pg 1: "your command tent leaving" --"your command tent, leaving" pg 1: "Inside, you remove your helmet and place it next to a stained stone mug on the worn wooden table beside a large burning coal fire pit." --run-on sentence At this point I've found 7 typos/ grammar problems in the first 4 paragraphs and stopped counting. Reading the rest, this level seems to be consistent through the whole document. This would benefit from a once-over proofread before submitting. pg 2: "bone leg" --I think I understand what you're doing here, but this sounds really weird, as legs have bone in them already. pg 3: Prey => Pray

Keep in mind this is just one type of formatting! It's a good one, but there are several more. So certainly don't mess up your whole story just because this demands it. It's a good format to follow, but it doesn't have to be exact.

I think Robinski covered all the grammatical problems I saw. The one-sided conversation worked without much problem. I could still follow easily. I was similarly entertained, but it didn't really make me think at the end. I presume one Fey folk pissed another off enough for cold steel to come into play. Even though this was short, there still wasn't any character development in it, and no real arc, except Wat settled on a knife rather than a sword. From feedback on a flash piece I submitted to several places, editors are expecting much more work to be done in 1000 words than would be done even a short story. I liked this, but it doesn't have a lot of meat to it. No real stakes or problem. If Wat doesn't get the sword/knife, what then? Does he care? Why can't he get a one from a lesser blacksmith, save for pride? Will the smith come after him when the fairy gold disappears the next morning? At the moment, none of those questions really matter.

Totally. This reminded me of one of Dan's lectures during the WX Cruise last September on the Hollywood Formula and how rigid it is (my notes, with descriptions from popular movies, so, I guess, spoilers for Jaws, Star Wars,LotR, and ancient literature?): Hollywood Formula: Common in screenwriting. Good because it's concise and compressed. Percentages are not exact, but are very close. % = page # = minutes in movie 1% Opening scene - Establish the hook/premise, Some establishing chars 2-9% Setting the story - Who chars are, why do we love them? 10% Inciting Incident - Put the char in an uncomfortable position, forced out of comfort zone 11-24% Surviving the Change - What can you do in this new position? How to move on? Try many plans that don't work. Need to see failure to make the payoff more satisfying. Make Chimera big enough that Bellerophon seems mighty. 25% Big Decision - Where the char decides to do something big. If not for this, don't have a movie. 26-49% Exploring the New World - The section of the movie that all the trailers come from. People doing cool fun/action things. 50% Midpoint - The moment where the heroes move from reaction to action. (Decide to rescue princes Leia). 51-74% Return of the Villain - Whoever caused the problem comes back with a vengeance. Leads to All is Lost moment. 75% All is Lost - Ben Kenobi / Gandalf gets killed. Loss of a mentor, friend, char or power or ability that has been relied on through the story. 76-84% Licking Wounds - Dig the pit as deep as can make it. Empire is going to blow up a planet 85% Aha! Moment - Blow up jaws with a gas tank. Find the flaw in the Death star. Father, there is still good in you. 86-100% The Final Push - Do the thing because they're awesome.

"Dry and technical" yes, that's the engineer part! I have actually made some quite pretty (and complex) spreadsheets in my time. I honestly wonder if I could write a story in Excel. Such pretty tables...

I use Dropbox for everything, but in terms of specialized tools, I just use Word. I tried Scrivener, and actually made it through the entire tutorial, but I think I actually too organized to use it--it just annoys me. However, I have heard of other sync problems with Scrivener and dropbox, so be wary and back up a lot if you are using those two together. I know this isn't for everyone, but for larger projects I usually have: --An "outline" Word document with research, outline, character bios, etc. --A "text" Word document with prose and the latest bit of outline that I'm working to. I use the navigation pane and note key sections with headings to get around quickly. --An Excel file, if I need to for calculation of dates, or a timeline, or a table, or something not well suited to Word.

Yep, I did at least one, or maybe two. A couple others have as well.