Kammererite

Thanks so much for reading Kasia and Robinski. And thanks for the line by lines they will be a big help. I currently (have been all week) out east getting set up for a move, but i will reply to the comments in more full next week (and get critiquing again). I already have a few things in mind for some changes that i will make to keep the tension higher. Cheers.

Here is a place for your comments. All comments and feedback are welcome; however i have one point i would like input on in particular. Does the Tavern scene feel to contrived and/or coincidental? Cheers and thanks for reading.

I too would like to submit this upcoming Monday.

Very cool world building. I think there are real world issues with rock spires exciting in a vast ocean not only in formation but in stability. The engineering you described above for the shell city's doesn't seam reasonable to me. assuming the building material is denser then water it would sink to the bottom of the ocean and that should be a considerable depth that they cant use it for foundation (same with the ceramic rod foundation). Also sub oceanic currents would wash away lots of the material. However as this is a fantasy i am able to look pass this and let it go with a hand wave. World-ocean: This sound very Sci fi to me and tells me they have explore the entire world. Titles: I think you have to many titles to quick and with to little description. I have a fairly good memory but i had trouble keeping track of the different titles and which people they refer too. -Does the conversation flow naturally? As mentioned by other the magic system convo while informative, was very info dumpy and seamed forced. I the conversation with her prospective mentor and boss flowed well. -Is there too much/too little description? I think you over described the opening but once on the spire i think it was the right amount. Overall: I enjoyed it. Cool world concepts with what seems like an simple yet deep magic system. I like the mystery component although i wish there was a bigger hook.

Thanks for reading Krystalynn. I'm Glad to know the little tidbits worked for you. Thanks again for the awesome feedback and the encouragement.

Thanks for reading and the great feedback once again. Thanks again for all the great feedback. The good thing is at least Kang isn't constantly thinking what he is doing in this story.

Thanks for reading Neongray, and making it to the end. Thanks for reading as well EoTFP

Interesting set up. - I see your comment on it above but patrician really stood for me as a "what are they ?" question when reading. -I like the "magic system" and the personification of curses. -I was a little confused on the setting of these scene. i think were underground but its unclear. I am also unsure if this is a more traditional fantasy or modern fantasy tech level as graffiti instantly make me think urban. - Who is sen hamulus i thought they were summoning Carsus Matrax

Starting the first line with a pronoun rather then the pov's name is awkward for me. I felt like you spent to much time telling me how poor they where on the first pages. i liked how you showed the poverty with the flowers after that which was very nicely done and could have stood without the lead up. The temple was over described for me and i found myself skimming until she entered the inner sanctum. On page 9 there is a small blocking issue for me. The priest escorting her becomes a priestess or does he depart after she reaches the alter and a priestess comes along later Intriguing end that had me wanting to find out what the priestess wants and why she is so interested in Lasila.

Thanks for reading. some comment on your comments. Thanks for all the great feedback, and advice. Cheers

Hi all, Here is a place for your comments. Grammar warning again. Hopefully its better then the last, but I swear every time I edit it gets worse. All comments welcome as always. Thanks for reading in advance.

Great opening line. I enjoyed the world building in the story although i wish it were a little more focus on why the family was so poor which was a big question for me rather then the other world building. Something in Lasila and her brothers conversation felt off to me but i am not really sure what. I think it might be how all of a sudden she's acting so much younger and complaining about everything compared to how mature she acted earlier in the submission. That said i do like the conflict you are introducing in this dialogue for going forward. I didn't have a problem picking up the transition from her brother to his name. Good ending.

Canada actually

I'll toss my hat in as well