spieles

Also, putting myself down.

Hrm. That's a good point about Pascal getting her tattoo. And yes, as for strengthening, I have a whole other revision planned (for the later chapters really) to kind of streamline and beef up the storyline. Lord, revisions are annoying, LOL. Thank you so much for taking the time to read.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read. Brick is totally scary in a wonderful way. And I'm totally still playing with Channing's character - I'm thinking he and Oz in this latest revision will be almost-friends (before making it all the way to friends).

Oh good. I was actually quite worried about this chapter - but maybe it's a nice rest before the storm that starts in the next chapter.

So we left off in the last chapter with Oz deciding to infiltrate the Rex and Pascal passing her Brides tryouts with flying colors. Notes: It is no longer Siegfried Aerworks but Siegfried Anan as the head of the major oxygen company. I'm most curious about your reaction to the scene where he explains "the repairs" and if it works. Thanks!

Thank you for reading with so little context. Yeah, Oz is very understated, and in this scene he's particularly defensive - especially with Channing/Dion. I'm wondering if the reason that this chapter is kind of coming across as "meh" for people is actually because they're dialogue is MISSING key things like direction and is actually sort of vague. There's no fun undertow happening - it's too on the nose. Hayden definitely is not being manipulated by others but she's also being insincere in this scene. Going to try to get under that....

Hrm. My overall impression is that this is fine as a mid-book chapter - as others have said Lasilla is more active and we're not just in her head, but get to learn about her world through dialogue which is infinitely better. That all being said, as a first chapter, however, it would not pull me into the story to keep reading. The chapter kept losing me. I think for a first chapter you're trying to do too many things here when, really, the reader's interest should be focused on one key conflict. Also, in the past chapter where we met her, Iluya leapt off the page as a character, and here she's well behaved in a much less interesting way. That all being said, maybe just keep writing and then come back to this when you know exactly where you want to start. Other notes - I like the fact that honorifics will have their own table.

Putting my name down too.

Fresh eyes are always wonderful! So thank you for taking the time. And yes, LOL, so many of your questions have been answered: the Rex are mutants, Oz is the product of genetic in vitro experiment, and the "Brides" are the elite female force that fights the Rex because unlike men they cannot be turned! And I'm particularly glad you liked first person present. I've read it a handful of times, and have either enjoyed it or been meh on it, so I'm glad you're veering toward enjoying it. Going to fix p. 5