Mandamon

Lol...I'll take it!

So...you're basically getting two stories for one! (depending on how much I change) ;-)

Yup. Basically the same thing I was thinking.

No problem! In the end, it's your work, and all our suggestions and critiques are just that. You don't have to take anything we say. But on the flip side, if we bring something up, chances are some other reader will too.

Just a suggestion on this: You tell us in the forum that Lasila is interested in clothing and it has a lot of relevance to her, but I haven't gotten that strong of an indication of it in the actual prose. Could you link the clothing descriptions to something Lasila would know or react to? You do this a little in the description of Sirie, noting how the clothing was "calculated to display that this woman knew what she was about ." But this doesn't directly link back to Lasila. Why does she know this? How does she adjust her perceptions based on the other woman's clothing? What else does she know about the woman's station? My eyes start to glaze on the descriptions themselves, but once you tell why it's relevant, I'll pay attention.

So...I've pretty much completely rewritten the first section, based on all the comments. I'll probably do a pretty big rewrite of the second submission as well. I'm wondering whether it's better to repost the first sections, or keep moving on. My first instinct is to keep the story going, and add in a big disclamer with the changes I've made. I'd rather get first reactions to the whole story than second reactions to the beginning, and I really want the reactions to the ending. I'll probably just include the whole (edited) thing in the Alpha Readers site when I send it out to Beta readers.

Great comments as usual, Robinksi! Gripe 1: I'm addressing this already in the rewrite, so Prot will become far more competent about taking unknown merchandise from strangers Gripe 2: Agree completely (and so does everyone else). This will get punched up. Gripe 3: I think this is one of those places where I just need to take out the word "musical" and let people form their own opinion. On the accent, I was going for a brogue in general, but obviously not one dialect exactly--not to say I am familiar enough with Scottish accents. I guess the main question is whether it works as a whole, or just bugs the heck out of you for being made of different pieces. Gripe 4: Good point on the gangsters. I'm planning to make things a lot more tense in the rewrite. Submission break: This is actually the end of the first section of the book. Since both you and Krystalynn caught this, sounds like I need to punch it up more here as well. New and old readers: glad you're not confused about the species, at least. So I need to add some more description to make sure new readers don't get lost. Thanks as always for the typos and quibbles! I wil absorb them...

Thanks all for the excellent replies! I'm already making corrections to the first section and this is helping me generate some great ideas. I'm trying to keep this to about 25k words, but with all the excellent suggestions it may end up being a little longer... @Eagle: Time to complete the contract. This involves scheduling a transfer between worlds, which is explained later in this submission. But if you're wondering about it earlier, I may need to move that piece forward. @Kaisa: Skipping between worldbuilding and dialogue. Yes, this is somewhat a style choice on my part to keep up the tension but still keep you wanting more on worldbuilding. However, if it's distracting, then it's too much. I'll see if I can make it flow a little better. Great notes as you go as well. That will help me clear some things up. @Krystalynn: Great comments. I'll work to incorporate those corrections and suggestions. Tension on the argument and the portal. Yep. I thought the argument was too easy myself, and several of you commented on it. I need to keep the tension up on that. I actually didn't realize I had made a "promise" on the danger of portals, so I'll go back and either lessen it, or follow through differently. @Neongrey: Thanks for reading, even if this isn't your usual! You also caught the argument let down, and I agree I need to ramp this part up more. Amra would give in eventually, but I think I cut it off too soon. Wanting to travel is somewhat selfish and deliberate, but I think this needs bigger buildup earlier to be effective. Hope to keep you guessing on what's in the crates!

I'd also like to submit next week if possible.

Yep. The white is a bit dazzling, but the rest looks good. I liked the green theme before, but then I like green...

I was a little afraid going into this chapter, but it did keep my interest, for all that it was about trying on clothes. I'll make a distinction, though. Figuring out what Lasila was going to wear was interesting. The paragraphs describing in length what characters were already wearing (Lasila, the boy, Sirie) was not interesting, and I started to skim these. I did like the concept of dyeing wings and that they are different colors, like hair. At this point, though, I'm not sure of any more detail. How large are they, and what purpose do they serve? I'm guessing they are not functional, or people would be flying around. On names, especially here, the combination of unfamilar names and unfamiliar titles makes this hard to read. There seems to be a title for every station, but we're never told what, especially when it gets into student/teacher relationships. pg 5: fourth and fifth pps, "time" is repeated a lot. In all, I found this the second most interesting chapter after the meeting with the priestess, mainly for the political intrigue. Lasila is doing something interesting, rather than just performing errands like fetching water or going to the bank.

Hi all, Last time on Escapade of Silence: Prot and his crew take on a rush job for their merchant transport, meaning they had to sell their current cargo to make room. This time they meet with their contact to pick up the new cargo. UPDATEs: 1) The crew now know from early on that the cargo is medicine for an epidemic on Methiem. 2) I'm planning to put more description of their transport earlier on, but see if it's clearer in this section. Also, I've changed terminology from "wagon" to "transport." What I'm looking for Mary's "ABCD" reviewing system: --what you think is Awesome --What you are Bored by --What you are Confused by --What you Don't believe Specific things: Is the Sureri dialogue readable/believable? Is there enough/too much description of the universe? LBLs and grammar comments are also welcome. Also, very slightly over the 5000 word limit, but it does complete the first section.

Robinski--I just downloaded my packet yesterday as well! When I was a member two years before they sent us a packet, so I was waiting for them to send me something. Turns out I needed to download it, and now I need to read everything! At least I've read about half of the Novel and Novella entries already...

I've only done standard queries before, with no results, so I'm super jealous of all your requests! Hopefully whenever I get to tweeting pitches I'll get more bites (and now that I'm hopefully a better author by 2+ years). I am planning on going to WorldCon this year, as well. Looking forward to getting to meet some agents and editors face to face.

I'd like to submit part two of Escapade of Silence next week. There will be five submissions total, for a 25K story. Ideally, I'd like to get them in one a week, but I can step back for those with continuing stories.

Krystalynn - thanks for all the feedback! I think you've latched on to similar things the others have, and a few scenes might be bound for the cutting room floor. Great minor points too--that will give me some more direction in editing. I have to call blasphemy on skipping the italics, but then, I'm also the one who read all the LoTR appendices... Glad the character introductions are going well. I hoped this story would be a little easier to get into than the magic-heavy ones. The cargo manifest, as the others pointed out, seems to be too complex and unnecessary. It will be clearer with the next submission, but I'll work on cleaning it up beforehand. On Amra (and thanks for the extra feedback from Neongrey as well!): I think you're both seeing the problem I did, in that it's not neccesarily unknown that someone is book smart, but can't negotiate deals. However, I don't think I'm getting it across correctly, and sending mixed signals. I want her to be intelligent and competent, just intrinisically not good at the social side of that skill. Great feedback, and I'll use it to ponder a better way to write her character.

Just looked these up--I've never done a tweet pitch before, but it sounds like a good idea. Unfortunately I also have nothing ready at the moment. I've been working on a full novel for something like 2 years, and am still in the midst of edits. Mainly because I'm taking the time to write and edit these shorter stories for self publishing. Hopefully after I get First Majus in Space and Escapade of Silence complete, I can get the novel finished. I hope to be ready for the next #pitmad or #SFFPIT.

Thanks neongrey, rdpulfer! @neongrey: glad you liked the spices, but yes, I think these are getting the axe. As you say, the liquidity aspect doesn't really work. I think I'll take the focus away from this to some extent. Your assessment of Amra is spot on--glad that got across. @rdpulfer: Re Amra's skin/hair, that's just normal UV effects. The Methiemum are basically human in appearance. I"ll make sure that comes across. I'll retool some of the Sureriaj descriptions and find some other words to use. Glad Amra is coming across as intended. Thanks!

I'm again with kaisa on this one (this seems to be a trend...). I was not thrilled by this chapter, as it was mostly financial talk. Reminds me a little of Charles Stross' Neptune's Brood, which I liked least of his books. Most of the plot deals with missing spreadsheets and accounting. Notes as I read: pg 1: "mean time" -> meantime pg 1: Varinen comes across as kind of whiny. "Why can't I do the things I want?" I'm not that engaged with his character, as he's not really doing anything useful. pg 1/2: There's a long stretch on detailing the mythology of the Sleeping God here which seems out of place. I started skimming, even though I really like mythology. I don't know why we need to know any of this yet. pg 4: "smoothe down her skirts" --I see Jordan's influence peeking through... pg 5: Getting bored with the accounting discussion. pg 6: The kitten. OK, but why? Just seems a strange inclusion. I don't particularly have a problem with it, but the way it's situated at the end of the chapter gives more importance to it than I assume it will have in the story. Maybe not. Not too much happening this time around, and lots of manual labor and housekeeping discussion, which isn't terribly interesting. I want to get back to the ball, the goddess, and the priestess!

I have very similar comments to kaisa, as you can see below. I didn't mark the two POV points she did as I could sort of justify that Laurea could know those things, but they did throw me out for a moment. I thought the conversation was good, and enjoyed the flirting, even though Janus was a bit too pushy for my tastes. As kaisa says, the info dumping wasn't disguised enough in that section. The description was too much for me, and I like worldbuilding. There were several pages of description in a row, and I think it could easily be paced out into the next few chapters and leave some more room here for character and story development. Notes while reading: pg 1: "In a world where all else was endless waves" --interesting. Literal or figuative? Is the world mostly water or is this just because she's on the ocean? pg 1: Shell town. Cool image, but I'm not sure I completely understand. "Clinging to the spire", which says to me they're up in the air, but "reaching out to sea" which says they are long horizontally, which doesn't seem like they would hold up. You say they collapse into foundations, which tells me there's not just air (or water) underneath. pg 3: By this point, there's been a whole lot of description, and some of Laurea's thoughts, but not a whole lot of plot. pg 3: The debate about lictor/pleb/Atramancer falls a little short for me as I don't know what any of these are yet. pg 4/5/6: the infodump on Atramancy is a little too obvious, but does get the information across. pg 8: “Good. Now, for what little ceremony we can do right away, stand up, please.” --wasn't she already standing up, at attention? pg 8: I sort of skimmed the "double-pinned" section. Seemed more an esoteric history lesson than anything important to the plot. This is definitely more interesting than the prologue. It's a bit heavy on description and there were a couple sections where I was inclined to skim to get back to the story. Especially on explaining the Dhe and the Fury Priest, I didn't feel the need for that description again, since we just lived it last chapter.

Awesome. Thanks to both of you so far! By the way this story is about 25K words long, which I forgot to mention. Does this change your perceptions any on timing or characters? @Kaisa I think you and Robinski have both twigged to the weakest point of the story--the spices. I like your suggestion of focusing on the protest (which will be important later) rather than the spices, which will not. Hopefully that will also give me the chance to flesh out some more of the worldbuilding and description, as well as show the characters in action. MC's name: It's in there, but I might need to repeat it some more. His name is Prot. Amra: I like your assessment of her character. I was trying to make sure I could write a more "dependent" female rather than an over-the-top warrior, since Kamuli and Bhon both sort of fit that description. Didn't want to fall into steriotypes, though. Thanks for the LBLs. I will put them to good use. @ Robinski Great editing and grammar comments as always! And the title is totally changeable. I'm not sure I'm happy with this one. Spices and profits: Yep. See above. I think this whole section will be cut, maybe just have them selling the spices and encountering the protest. The merchandise: Also good comments. I don't think I clarified Prot's first meeting very well, and I may just need to write that section out. I can add in that the contents are medicine earlier, so they're not surprised. Mafia: yep. I'll edit this out. Wagon description: I think it's more precise later, but yes, it's shorter than an actual train. I've used that and wagon interchangeably and I think I need to settle on one descriptor. Would "transport" work better? It's not a very well known piece of machinery in their universe. I can beef up the description, but let me know if your image of it becomes clearer as the story progresses. Thanks!

Hi all, Here's a new piece in the Dissolutionverse. I'm planning on self publishing this together with "The First Majus in Space" later this year, and need some eyes on it. You shouldn't need prior knowledge of the first published story to enjoy this one, as I intend these to stand alone. Of course, you might get some other tidbits of backstory if you have read the others. Let me know. What I'm looking for Mary's "ABCD" reviewing system: --what you think is Awesome --What you are Bored by --What you are Confused by --What you Don't believe Specific things: How does Amra's character read to you? Is she too whiny? Is there enough/too much description of the universe? LBLs and grammar comments are also welcome.

Confirmation that I am actually prepared to post on the 6th. I have a new Dissolutionverse story that needs some eyes on it!

I'm with the others on the amount of detail at the beginning. I thought it really picked up toward the end though, and that started to pull me in. If I just started reading this blind, I might think about putting the book down in the first couple chapters as it is (before I got to the end of this submission, that is.) Notes. Pg 1: We don't need three paragraphs on what she's going to wear. Pg 1: "home a full family" ->house Pg 2: why is understandable italicized? Pg 3: By now, not a lot has happened. Things could go a little quicker. Pg 3: "A crimson-robed acolyte," --Incomplete sentence. Something is missing here. Pg 3: "small golden wings" Again, I had complete forgotten about this, and it should be one of the most interesting things in the story. Pg 4: "Above, the walls were painted with scenes from antiquity, before the city fell, and the aelin flew on full wings and named the skies their own." This is more interesting than most everything this chapter. I want more like this (which you do deliver, but I also want it earlier. This continues to be sort of slow. Only near the end of the chapter do we start to see some things develop. I'm interested to see where this goes and how the new goddess is chosen. Again, I think this is very well written, but needs to have a little more to it to keep the reader's attention.

Welcome to Reading Excuses! I think Asmodemon's got the main points here. There was a lot of exposition and buildup for a simple scene. While I thought it was well written, the extra asides and explanations make this drag out. I didn't feel much connection to the character either. Sometimes this passage seems to be directly from his POV, then others it's from a more "cinematic" POV where "the man" is doing something. This also removes us from the character. A couple other notes: pg 4: "messing with," "This guy," seems like a more modern parlance than when this story is set. pg 4: a shiver ran up his back - why? Nothing seems very bone-chilling about the transaction. I also like the Dhe and the worlduilding, but there may be a little too much, especially for a prologue. I'm willing to see some faster action here, and learn more about the world in bits and pieces through the next few chapters. Looking forward to more!