Mandamon

Yeah, see I don't even know about this. From 2005: https://www.cbsnews.com/news/cookie-monster-changes-his-tune/

Like @Robinski, I think this is much improved, but still has some issues. Overall, this is definitely better. I think there's a lot in the extra parts you added that can be tidied up to get this back to the original wordcount. A lot of the interactions with the students is awkward, and doesn't really add anything. I'm still not fully on-board with the Greek/frontier culture mashup. Aside from the names, the big city basically sounds like Chicago. I'm waffling between wanting more worldbuilding to explain it, or less so that I don't have to worry about it making sense. Last, J's motivations are still too scattered. He wants to kill her for being involved in his daughter's death. He wants to hire her. He's been tracking her, except this whole dig was a set-up, which means he knew exactly where she was and could have done this at any time. I think when this gets cleaned up, you could also solidify his motivations. Notes while reading: pg 3: I don't know that the "small talk" with the grad students really adds anything. pg 4: This part is better, learning about the difference in tech levels, but this whole section could be tightened up. pg 6: "one six-shooter bow" --Not sure what this is. like it rotates a chamber around to then fire arrows from a string? My engineering mind is baffled over it. pg 8: "Her words cut off as he smashed his palm right into her nose, which broke with an audible snap." --His attack seems to come out of nowhere. pg 9: "But why would a university professor know a wanted criminal," --This adds some good tension pg 10: “I’ve been searchin’ for ya for a while now.” --but he knows the professor. We all know he knew she was here. pg 11: "J’s ten-year-old daughter had died in those flames, and the city-folk Confederates had rejoiced, thinking that it would sap all the fight from him. ---I feel like this would be have more impact shown than told. pg 13: "Ya gotta earn yer pay." --There's a weird mix between them casually talking, J attacking for revenge, and him testing her abilities. It's too big a mix of motivations for their meeting and it makes their interactions jumbled. I can't figure out what J will do because I'm not sure where he's coming from. pg 15: “This was all set up in advance...." --hmmm...Yes, it works as motivation, but it clashes with J tracking her down. I think a more solid single motivational throughline will clear this up a lot. pg 16: "She didn’t buy that; there had to be more to this deal," --especially for all the work he went to. pg 18: The bloody handshake is pretty cliche.

Overall, I wasn't really invested in this. Warning: this is going to be negative, not because of the content, but because the story just tugged on all the wrong strings for me and personally I can't separate that from the writing critique. I was pulled in at the beginning. It sort of reminded me of Seanan McGuires' Wayward Children series, but once I realized it was commentary on a particular IP, I lost interest. I do actually agree with the intent of the piece, but would rather read a news article about this than a SFF story. Putting very specific social commentary in stories is always really hard. One purely craft quibble: I don't recognize the twins. Are they supposed to be from the program as well, or are they your creations? In any case, I thought they were the most original part of the piece, simply because I didn't recognize them. This was structurally good, but one where I was turned off by the content, unfortunately. Notes while reading. pg 1: I like the twist of the monster being the scared one. pg 2: “I grew up with you, if you remember," --this is very Maid and Butler. Obviously they both know this. --in fact, you show this the paragraph after with the flashback. You could just delete the line and be fine. pg 3: "If monster wants something..." --It's weird that they keep repeating his label. I mean, yes, it's meant to degrade, but it's almost too much even to read. pg 3: "The monster remembers how colorful the Street had been." --oh no. Is this going where I think it's going? pg 4: “Say it!” they command. “Say, 'Cookies are a sometimes food!'” --errr...this may just be me, but I'm losing all interest in the story now. I remember a lot of memes and such coming out when this switch came about, but now...it's just sort of tired? pg 5: "It’s clenched between two of his three, sharp fingers. Tendrils of smoke rise against the fluorescent light." --also flipping these particular puppets with an M just rubs me the wrong way. Chalk it up to happy childhood memories I want to keep. pg 6: "I do not create for the sake of my audience but tolerate my audience only so I can create." --and now we've gone meta. I was on board with the evils twins tormenting a poor fluffy monster, but tying it to this particular IP isn't working for me. pg 6: "Because we let ourselves be controlled by—" "By popular opinion," --hmm...this is very quickly running over into the "preachy" area. Not that I don't agree with the sentiment, but unless this is for a specific prompt or collection, it's not something I would read. pg 7: "The monster understands." --I don't. Are they going to do something to her?

I agree with @JWerner and @Robinski. There's not quite enough here to catch me. Overall, this seemed short even for flash fiction. It's only 500 words, and flash usually goes up to 1000. My main problem was we only saw one example. To really turn the knife, we need to know mother better, and really understand why/how the MC came to this path in life. If we can have another interlude with mother, maybe a few years later, then we would have more ammo to understand why she took so much time to teach the MC about wizards. I think this is one of the other big issues. There's not a real threat from the wizard. They'll threaten to kill you if you don't...collect blood samples for them? On the plus side, this was grammatically much cleaner than some of your other submissions, so good job on that part! Notes while reading: pg 1: "“Once they have your blood, they can use it to use you. They can boil you from the inside or make blood congeal in your arteries." --repetition of "blood." Could adjust this sentence so you don't need to say it twice. pg 1: “That your other mother?” --meaning she has two mothers, or is there some other meaning to this? Nothing is said about another parent, so this is kind of confusing. pg 2: "but if I refuse, M.M. will clog my heart valves." --seems like wizards are kind of dumb, capturing kids to collect blood samples? If that's the extent of their power, it seems almost a waste of time.

Yep, there's a lot of them, especially with the indie authors I follow. I'm planning to release book 3 maybe a couple months after 2, which of course means I need to finish both of them up first!

Interesting. I'm trying now to think of examples of this being done in written form (as opposed to TV, where it happens all the time, obvs). It's popular as a selling technique in a lot of indie markets, so I'm trying it out with this one. My plan is to release book 2 and 3 together, give a little space, then release 4 and 5. I plan for there to be more of a complete arc after book 3. We'll see how it works...

Pretty much the same reaction for me on this one as last time I read. There's two main problems which are: 1) the other jobs sound cooler than the one for this book, and it's sort of a letdown. I really want them to go to Mars or the Swedish ladies cricket team. 2) They're wandering around bored for half of chapter 2. At this point, they should be gearing up for adventure and getting us back into the old Q&M banter. Some of the banter is there, but there's not enough plot to hold my attention yet. I think this chapter could be cut down by at least a third, or joined up with another chapter. Notes while reading: pg 2: "coffee, black", "black bob" --some repetition pg 3: "age 33" --huh, I always picture him as a little older. pg 3: Not really enamored of the recap paragraph of the last book. I'd prefer it to be peppered into dialogue or something. This is witty, so that helps, but my mind still wanders while reading through it. pg 4: "It was almost comforting, especially now he wasn’t dangling two thousand metres above the lunar surface on the end of the android’s arm." --this sort of thing is a lot better for the recap. pg 4: "as if testing for rain" --lol pg 5: I think the upside-down text lends too much complexity to this. We're already trying to figure out what the job is, and now we have to turn the page around. Just say that Q read upside-down. pg 7: "I’m pleased you know where that is" --lol pg 7: "“Comic effect would be maximised by referring to Uranus,” offered S. --and even better... pg 8: I'm still of the mind that listing all these other jobs is sort of pulling the chair out from under you. My mind can come up with hijinks that might be more interesting that this story, if you give the prompts, so unless they are going to be future stories, it might be better to resist giving the reader that ammo against you. pg 10: "That leaves boring old Rowland." --this does not help your case against all those other cool contracts... pg 10: "to the grizzled, serious man" --why is this in italics? pg 10: "They would wait in C to meet R and decide whether to take his job, repatriate his package and move on." --I'm wondering if anything after this point in the chapter adds to the story? This seems like a good point to break. pg 15: Ah yes, I do love the Shakespeare banter, but I'm still not sure it adds anything to the chapter. pg 16: Hmmm...I keep to my earlier analysis. Except for the stinger at the end, which is good, nothing between pg 10 and 15 really does anything for me. It's a bunch of waiting around, and this early in the story, I want to be drawn in by every detail. Is there any reason to show us the time between Q&M accepting the job and going to meet up with R?

Thanks @Robinski! I think this pretty much needs to be stamped all over my first drafts... Lol...That's why he's in so many books! Yep. I think I completely missed this on the second half of the book. Hopefully I can correct that this edit. This is a fault of my setup. You're supposed to know what the voice is but I didn't set it up enough. Lol. I'm working through the audiobook now, which is really helping me see how S developed in that one and shows how much I regressed him in this one! I'm going to go back and give him a lot more agency... Fair point. I'll ponder. Glad this is still hitting, at least, but I'll punch it up. Yep. S. needs more agency. Will correct. This one I may keep at least mostly similar. I'm intending book 2 and 3 to come out very close together, so I don't see ending with things still in motion as a huge problem.

Thanks, @Robinski! The LBL catches are very useful as always. *dons engineering nerd glasses* Technically, I'm referring to a type of kinetic energy which is specifically vibrational. *gently pushes up nerd glasses, which had been sliding down my nose* The natural frequency is the one that a substance responds to and if you hit it correctly, you can start a destructive resonance. It's also the way to tune a system to respond/recoil the way you want Yep yep. Agree. I really like M's timeline, but I'm afraid it may be a darling that needs murdering, whether to turn it into epigraphs or a side novella or something... Yeah...I think the ending is missing structure from sections I missed earlier, so it doesn't have enough to build on. Great. @shatteredsmooth liked this as well, so this is something I can build on. Yep. I'm getting some good ideas on where I need to build up tension and character background earlier in the piece (especially for the LC members). Very good comments and it will help with the next draft immensely!

Thanks to @kais, @shatteredsmooth, and @industrialistDragon! I think this might be part of what I am missing. The characters were all scattered, and they came together. Some of them grew and changed, and maybe a few threads resolved, like the E I S trio is back together and each member is a little evolved, but I feel like those were more subplots for individual POVs and not an arc for the whole book. Great comments. Thanks for pointing this out. I think I really need to figure out which thread I want to focus on more and bump that up so this book doesn't feel too "sidequesty" I think this will actually be my main plot thread going forward, so I need to add a lot more about this. There was a lot in the original draft of the first book on this which also got cut. I thought I could place it in book 2 but looks like I need to bring it forward a lot. Hmm...that might be a better way to do this, especially if I bump up the threat from the LC more. That could also work, if the main cast runs away from what they've done in the shard room, but the LC seeks them out, pursued by the new critter. Good point. I'm still debating the POV split between Ri, Re, and O, so I'll have to play with this. Definitely. This was more meant that the twins had felt a connection to the Eff, especially since the gene pool of their species is so small. I think this may be some idiot plotting from me, trying to force the situation I want in the next book. I'll take a look at this and see if I can make it smoother. Yeah, I really really like his thread, but as you said, this may be something that needs to turn into the epigraphs for the whole book to describe his journey in the background, and then put all his POVs into a novella about restarting the Society. I'll have to mull this over. You are, in fact, incredibly helpful, @shatteredsmooth!

Not much to comment on here--it's very clean, but looking forward to getting into it again. Notes while reading: pg 4: "while she was stuck doing the leg work, and with a rebuilt leg!!" --lol Pg 7: the fight with the wolves seems even more tense than last time around. Good! pg 8: "apart from the ladies, of course." --and the gents? Or has that been retconned? pg 9: "anyway, elitist isn’t my type." --so still bi, then? Getting mixed signals from Q. pg 13: There could be a little more clarity in the section where Q is scooting the chair around. It took me two tries to understand the blocking.

Pretty much the same reaction as @kais for this one. Overall, this was really well written, and I wanted to like it more than I did. I think the biggest problem I had is that there is too much crammed into this novelette. The first two thirds are all about the sea monster, and we really don't get anything about the title of the story, or about K. Then we don't spend enough time with K and A to make their triumph feel worth it. I was actually expecting more to happen between A and the captain than with her husband (or fiancee? Not sure which). I almost want this to either be: --A story this length about A's quest to find and kill the sea monster, and ends when she gets the parts to free K. We never see K. --A story twice as long as this one, where the first half is all about the sea monster so we get enough buildup, but also have good background on K and the O-phage, and then the second half is all about the long, grueling fight to get K back. Right now, it's a little of both, which means there isn't enough time to develop the tension needed for either part. I really want to see more of this story! Notes while reading: pg 1: ah, glad we're starting off withe the sea serpent. I seem to recall leaving off while they were still only starting to search. pg 2: "R’s joy had turned to outrage." --I thought everyone was in on the "let's kill the thing and sell it" plan? pg 3: "If it fled, she would be safe. But K would be doomed." --that's a pretty quick switch from doing everything she can to find it, to nearly giving up. pg 4: "Somehow managing to keep a steady hand despite the bucking ship, he wrote the rune for “sight” on each eyelid." --first, ow, and second, I doubt he got anywhere near the right rune with the ship bucking. pg 4: "No one else moved until the inanimate bulk of the sea serpent floated to the surface." --Ah. I was actually expecting a little more of a fight. pg 5: “You never thought you’d adjust to shipboard life so quickly, did you?” --I know part of this is WRS (weekly reader syndrome) since we started halfway through, but the time on the ship feels pretty short overall. I was honestly expecting more of a chase for the McGuffin. pg 5: “I wish it could have gone differently.” --how? Didn't she get the exact thing she was searching for? pg 5: "He’d been furious at the disloyal crewmen, but with her he’d just seemed disappointed." --ok, I was somehow under the impression the captain knew about the hunt too. I don't have all the character names down because we haven't spent a whole lot of time with them. pg 6: "leaving K prey to the oneirophage" --Ah, I think I've identified one of my concerns. The story is titled after this, but this is (I think) the first time the O-phage has been mentioned. Up until now it's all been about the sea serpent, and my sense of the arc of the story was off because of it. I was expecting some sort of conclusion with the hunt, but it was sort of anti-climactic. Now we come to the real object of the story, but it's not built up much. pg 8: There's a lot of information on this page, but none of it is really relevant to the story, especially one this short. pg 9: “Because I’m coming with you.” --interesting pg 11: Hm. Lots of planning about how to attack the phage, which sort of slows down the tension. I would have though some of this would be figured out by now. pg 13: "I should have known,” --Uh, yeah. I'm beginning to see why he got trapped in the first place. pg 15: "and it dissolved into the same kind of mist" --this is also sort of anti-climactic.

Yes, this does read a lot smoother than the last ones! I liked E's new POV. Eager to learn about some of the tech you're hinting at. I think the interaction between E and M in the beginning needs a little more express buildup before the kiss, but otherwise good. I also like the new explanation for C. If some of this can be moved forward to the first time we meet him, I think that will solve a lot of the problems. I also had a little confusion with some of the blocking and descriptions in the last couple pages, as noted below. Looking forward to more! Notes while reading: pg 2: "a trait shared true rift chasers" --Missing a word? pg 3: "E could only remember hearing that rhythm a handful of times in his thirty-seven years of life" --But neither of them reacts to it, except to say they dressed up. pg 3: "Despite their significant age difference, thirteen years, M flirted with him like a woman with no shame." --Is that what they're doing? She just commented that he had on a new uniform. pg 5: "E had discovered how to form..." --Bit of a long infodump here. pg 5: “The royal palace?” --I still don't know what the orders are, and the tension sort of got lost with the infodump. pg 6: "since they’ve been tolling martial law" --ah, maybe put this explanation sooner. pg 8: Nice cheering moment for sticking it to Agent J. pg 9: "She clapped her hands and beamed at him...And then she kissed him." --This whole section I don't get a really good feeling for an attraction between the two. They have some good banter, but it seems more like that between working asociates. There's some 'tell' that M is attracted to him, but not a lot of 'show' until the end and it seems sort of sudden. pg 10: "The bells of imperium tolled the slow rhythm of martial law" --Is this because of the missing heirs? I didn't catch that. pg 10: "His last iteration had been left handed" --interesting pg 11: good explanation for C. It would be good to see this earlier. pg 15: "She couldn’t see his face behind his faceplate" --huh? Was this described before? pg 15: what's the deal with the thurible? Confused. Why does M call it shackles?

Hello all! Alrighty--last one! Again, I apologize for the 6000 words, but this is the end! All comments are welcome, but please especially let me know what doesn't tie up satisfactorily for you, and if I didn't fulfill any promises, save what will be in book 3, of course. Have at it! Previously: E coaxed S out of his room after a strange chime went off. The maji are interested in S's new house. R got some information from a source, and M wants to restart the Society. R reveals the location of the Coalition's headquarters, but can't get there, and everyone is called to the Assembly, where the Coalition unveils an ancient being. E and R discuss the revelation, S visits the Eff in a private audience, and M continues recruiting. Re manages to meet with the coalition, learns E and I's true species, and confronts E. E trades herself for I and S takes I in. The rest of the cast gathers at the wall, and meet the Eff. They learn some new things, then the chime stops as something comes through the wall. We go back to E, who discovers the Coalition's headquarters, and meets some new, strange friends. Back to S and Co at the wall, who finally find out what the chime was all about. We drop in on M, who showed the new two-house recruits what's he'd been doing. Meanwhile, S and I go through the wall with WW, and find out what's on the other side. E learns about her species from the others, and fends off an assault. Re observes one of the LC attack the Eff, but discovers a way to create a portal to their base. Meanwhile, S and I explore the new facet with WW, and meet the ruler of that facet. M and co start work on the Device, and E learns more about the L.C. S and WW go to a new House, and Sam learns about a surprising ability. We switch to R and Co, who are infiltrating the LC's headquarters, where they come across a room of surprising artifacts. M and crew activate the device, but something goes wrong. Meanwhile, S also gets a feeling something big is about to occur, and E escapes with the other Ari.

Yep, you got it. His timeline occurs over a longer period of time, and the chimes they hear are the same as the ones the others do. Ah. Can fix this. Thanks. Absolutely! Always up for more. Thanks @shatteredsmooth!

Oooo. Yeah. Definitely coming together!

Great response! That will help me work on the edit.

Hmm. Interested to see if others feel the same. His plotline is very much pantsed, which is not my usual. I do feel like I need to introduce the others they've found, but I've also got a lot of characters as it is and don't want to dilute characters... So...is there a specific reason why fairy tales coming true is not working for you? I ask because as I think about this, that's pretty much all this series is about so far. The Ari coming back, the Drains, the DIss, so on. Is there some reason this one isn't working? Hmm...that's fair. I'll see if I can weed this out in editing. I really like writing his POV, but it does make the book longer. I wonder if I can turn this into a side novella if it end up not working? Probably need to reorder some chapters. Good point. I can add this in. Yep. This whole throughline is going to get a good cleaning on the next pass. Glad this part is working. Looking forward to what you think of next week. Thanks @kais and @industrialistDragon!

Also on for next week. This is the last one! It will be about 6000 words, but then you have me out of your hair until I write book 3...

Oh, we're definitely going to meet up when we're there. Yes, probably need a PM session for more discussion. I wonder if we can send a message to the organizers to schedule a room for a certain time? Sort of bummed they didn't like our critique group panel, which I think would have been much more helpful that some of the ones we're on. @kais,I've done art sculpture, but also some cosplay sculpture, so maybe I can help you out?

Yeah, I think I marked somewhere on there that I play computer games, so I guess they stuck me on this panel?

Sooo...did anyone else get their WorldCon Schedule today? They put me on two panels, one about stories turned into computer games, for some reason, and one about putting lights and electronics on cosplay (which I was technically on for last year's WorldCon, but felt I didn't add much). Nothing on writing, martial arts, critiques, etc etc...basically all the things I filled out on their 20-page form. Anyone else get their schedule?

Seems like I enjoyed this a bit more than @kais! Well, this is a big departure from the first chapter, and a lot more engaging. Now I'm on board with the mix of Grek myth and frontier. The shift to urban fantasy-style tech I think makes it work a lot better. There are a lot of good hooks, from the mention of the tech in the capital, to R's partner, to channeling and the batteries. Definitely interested in reading more. In fact I'd even suggest to start with this chapter rather than the last one. It works much better as a hook, as it's not quite as much a generic training/quest plotline. Looking forward to more! Good point, but she did run out of her battery partway through, I thought that gave it some extra tension. Also very good point from @kais. I think this would help with the lack of tension I felt at the very end of the chapter. I'll agree to up the tension a bit, but I actually enjoyed this fight scene quite a bit. But then, I'm partial to them. Note while reading: pg 1: Ah. This is a different character than in the first chapter, isn't it? I was greatly confused for a while. pg 1: "The glasses—a pair of battered Corvex Model 3 Surveillance Lenses—zeroed in on the diggers." --Is this the same tech level as in the first chapter? pg 2: "On the other, she secretly hoped something would come charging in from the horizon and attack." --But she just faced down a hydra, didn't she? pg 3: "Eat science, you feather-hatted son of a slontze," --That is an awesome line. I am greatly wondering about the tech levels given the last chapter, however. pg 4: "R swallowed as panic began to set in." --I'd like to see this shown rather than told... pg 5: “Styx!” he swore, --this bothers me a lot less than some of the culture mixing in the first chapter. pg 6: "settled into a stance" --My martial arts training is showing, but what stance? Is he in a squat? Legs wide? Standing tall? Turned to the side? Etc, etc... pg 6: "“No offense meant.” He charged at her," --This is a great juxtaposition. pg 7: “Quit dodging and let me stab you, dammit!” --Lol. This is often what my opponents say when I spar. Punch instead of stab, but same idea. pg 8: I'm enjoying this fight/banter. Well done. pg 8: "new patron beasts of the Olympians," --Were there old ones? pg 8: "Besides, you couldn’t brew Channels with fossils; even non-Channelers knew..." --But aren't they all here to dig up the dragon bones? I guess the academics aren't interested in Channeling. pg 10: "When he’d hit her on the back of the neck." --Oh, very nice. I like this. I do sort of wonder why he's eager to have her help. He seems to have everything in hand. pg 11: "I don’t suppose any of them mentioned that the White Viper was two people?" --Nice. Good hook. pg 14: “Or am I going to have to start off with you?” --This could be a tenser line. Right now it doesn't have a lot of punch. Could be something like "or do I have to kill you," etc. etc. Right now there's no threat to him simply walking away.

I agree. Escape pods.

I guess he'll have to direct the movie version then...