Mandamon

Thanks @industrialistDragon! Yes, I think the first two chapters need the most work. I think I can fix a lot of the motivational problems by adjusting the order of things, to make it flow better. I know I need to add some more reaction from E as well to help explain what she's doing. There are some more explanations about the diadem farther along, so I'm interested to see if you think they clear things up. I my need to put some bits in book 2 as well to set it up.

Thanks, @Sarah B and @kais! No, but this is likely something missed from not reading the first book. S B's are helper automatons, but that's it. K is a special case. Glad it read well by the end. I can clean up the first half. Let me know what happens as the book progresses. I'm wondering about this point myself. Heh...yeah I don't think there are ever more than two chapters with the same POV together, but I did group them so generally there are a couple chapters each time it shifts. I tend to like shifting POVs to get a idea of what's going on from different viewpoints, but let me know if it gets too much. Possibly? The mini drains are sort of new, but are the same thing that happened at the end of book 2. Nope. These are completely different! It has some of the same animals. I've referenced them a couple times in the past from Ri. and M.F.'s POV. But no, Meth is not Earth!

I'd also like to submit on 01/06.

Overall, I really liked this story and it went by very fast. Didn't even feel like a long entry. Of course, I'm also a sucker for music-based magic, so that helps. ;-) I have the same two problems @Silk does, and I think they're related to each other. First, the tension flags as the story progresses, and second, I'm not entirely convinced on the worldbuilding. You have a very high magic level, which you show by people doing ordinary things by magic. In fact they are concerned with shoring up the city with magic instead of a big architecture project. That works. However, I think it's too easy for them to perform (ha) the magic. This is shown when C. raises A. from the grave with little to no effort. They can even bring people back to life who have full faculties and the ability to do their own magic. That sends me into thinking about raising a necromancer, who raises more necromancers...etc. I think both of these can be solved by making the magic a little harder to use. Then you have the chance for more try/fail cycles in the story, and the worldbuilding gets a little more solid. You might also look at the length of the story. It's already almost 6k, which puts it above the comfortable short story level. You might try expanding it into a novella, which would give you some space to develop the characters a little more, have some try/fail cycles, and explain the worldbuilding better. I mainly say this because I want to read more of the story! It's really good, and I think could have a good chance at catching an agent's or publisher's attention at a slightly greater length. Notes while reading: Pg 1: okay, music magic. I'm on board... pg 2: "glockenspiel" --is that really percussion? I guess maybe. pg 2: I realized that not a lot has really happened yet, which I would usually fault a short story for, but I'm drawn in by the sense of wonder. Good job. pg 2: "They have their own A., their own Music capable of doing what we need.” --So each city is raised by a great master of music? The one in V. is still living while A is dead? pg 3: "it seems unlikely that the V. know much more about the practical aspects of their origins than we do." --Ah, sounds like their city's architect is dead too. pg 3: "I have broached this subject with them, and they refused to consider it.” --interesting premise. pg 4: "nothing to do with either of the magical domains" --a little bit Maid-and-Butler here, but gets the information across... pg 5: "Translucent Percussionists pounded insubstantial drums" --so zombie magicians can still do magic? That seems like it would lead to a big feedback loop... pg 9: “I can’t leave B!” --tension is good in here, but I don't actually know who B is. Wife? Daughter? Hired help? pg 9: "knocking E’s chimes to the ground." --this seems like a punishable offense in this world... pg 10: "“H’s daughter was,” --ah. Might be better to know this earlier to up the tension. pg 10: "She bought a ticket to S that night" --I don't know where or what this is, so it doesn't make a big impact to me as the anchor sentence to this section. --Edit: I looked back and realized this was where the necromancer was headed. Might need to make one more reference to it to stick it in the mind of the reader. pg 13: "Oh, but when you need it, then it’s not taboo anymore.” --good argument. pg 15: Good description of magic and magic users without being infodumpy. It gives a great perspective into the world. pg 16: "A. sat up from within her tomb." --hmm. I almost want more tension here. The song just works the first time. There's no try-fail. I'm not sure there needs to be, but if it was this easy, I feel like someone else would have snuck in and done this before. pg 17: Ah, the necromancer has to keep singing to keep the ghost around. Good limit on the magic. pg 17: the whole thing with the ineffectual lawmakers is comical, but I feel like one of them would have just run off to alert others. pg 18: “This won’t be terribly efficient,” she warned. “You’ll need to get me a set of new chimes for the rest of the job.” --why? Aren't these the ones she was buried with? I presumed they were hers. pg 18: "on account of the rust coating the chime" --oh, is this why? Maybe lead with this. pg 19: "it soon became obvious that A. herself had no objections to her raising." --okay, but it all seems a little too easy. pg 20: "a week of near-constant singing had put C. under a great deal of strain." --uh, yeah, I would imagine. Is this even possible? pg 22: It's a nice ending, but not great. The second half of this felt like things were too easy, and I wanted some more conflict.

Glad this one went better than the last chapter. There will be plenty more Ari for @kais, so I'll see if I need to move any of it sooner. Could tie into more emotional payoff for @Robinski. Glad S is working so far. Keep me posted on if his development works for the rest of the book. This may be a good thing to go into more in depth in this or the first chapter. I know what happened and why, but I'm not sure it's made it to the page completely. Yep--I know some of these would be answered by reading books 1 and 2 in full, but definitely keep calling them out! You're a great resource as a fresh reader for where I need to reintroduce background info, @Sarah B. Good catch. Reading the earlier books would help, but I think this is a place where I need some extra info. Good suggestion. I'll look back at where I use those terms. I have a different word for hours, weeks, and years. I wanted to keep from using too many new terms, while still seeming different enough. The rest "translate" pretty much 1:1. Yep. This is one of those parts that registered in my brain and I didn't fix it. Every time I do that someone in the forum calls it out! Gotta learn to listen to that voice... This is clunky. I know what I originally meant, so I'll clean this up. Yay! And poo. Glad I got halfway there at least. I can clean this up as well. Hmmm...I meant that the symbionts' generally have quick motions while the "body" creatures have slow, deliberate motions. Will fix. Ah. Good catch. Hopefully all this will become clear later on? Let me know if it doesn't. I think part of this is lack of clarity on my part, and part will be explained later. Yep. Can add some of this in the first chapter. I was meaning that it would be more "in the family" with Ari maji, but I can unpack this more to get across what I mean. Thanks everyone!

Yep, just read over this and you're absolutely right. I'll replace this one with something more exciting to start the book. Also agree. These deserve a call-out to reintroduce them. I didn't want to overload the reader. Yeah, I sort of settled on this as it's a large boxy structure. I could change it. Check. I think a lot of this will disappear or be expanded. I think I settle mainly on "circlet" or "diadem" later on. I'll have to check definitions to make sure it's what I mean, but I've also used those terms in previous books. Good catch. I'm debating whether to leave this here, as it's explained later, or hang a bit more of a lantern on it now. Yep. That's seems to be the consensus. I think I have a plan for how to fix this when I get back to this chapter in another week or so. Thanks @Robinski!

That's awesome. Also, pictures are fixed.

Okay...let's do this: Time to put together a Lego T-Rex and the Jurassic Park gate! But first, we got a bonus Christmas tree when buying it. The T-Rex is bags 1-7, and the gate is 8-15, but we're rebels. We're saving the best for last. Starting on bag 8, which contains the base of the gate, Ian Malcolm with open shirt, and the supply room! (Bah--some are sideways. Also, @Robinski how did you get them to show up in thumbnails rather than taking up the whole width?)

Ahhh...back to posting 5 minutes later... ;-) Overall, I was a little confused at the start of the chapter, and the frustrated at the end. There are a lot of wheels spinning and I feel like we're at the point of the story where everything needs to go, but there are artificial constraints stopping them (see my last note, at the bottom). I'm really ready for the police to actually do something useful, now that everyone is clear that DM is a threat. MC is even more frustrating to me because they have all the information, and need to exchange it in order to escape (?) yet aren't doing so. They also display immense power to get into communication and security systems, but are somehow still trapped? I need some more explanation to keep my suspension of disbelief going. Notes while reading: pg 2: Had to look back at last submission to remember they were in cells and DM had just walked in, I think? It's WRS, but just making a note. pg 2: "She saw no signs M was packing" --I find this unlikely. Knowing DM's character, I would suspect he's always packing, especially when there are monsters still on the loose. pg 3: "totally faced him through the bars." --missing a word? pg 3: "Now, where are they?” --sorry, where are who? I'm confused by this conversation. pg 3: "Us being partners means nothing now." --I mean, yeah. They aren't partners. They haven't been since Q left. pg 3: “…I have a code,” “In fact I’m out...Got TOM onside.” --this whole speech seems very disjointed. Also not sure what "onside" means. On site? pg 4: "It came from my father." --nice sentiment, but makes things extra confusing. I was popped out of the story thinking TOM was Q's father for a moment, before remembering. pg 4: hmm...I think this whole exchange needs a lot more buildup previous in the story to make it shine. Right now I'm not feeling the "triumph" moment. pg 4-5: "a man dressed in black...whole place froze...everybody moved" --what's happening? I thought the sheriffs knew DM? Why is everyone surprised to see him? M and Q act like this is something they would expect and I don't know why. pg 5: "Her senses swan" -> "Her senses swam" pg 5: hmmm...DM disappearing with a flash-bang is a bit cliche, but ok. pg 6: "You will all want to know...that M is now my prime suspect in the disappearance of T" --I'm not sure I believe this. Everyone froze when they saw DM, though I don't know why. He did technically assault the police officers, but that had nothing to do with killing people. I guess I want a few more breadcrumbs to see how they got to this conclusion. --Also, who is M.J.? pg 9: “Use theirs names.” -> “Use their names.” pg 10: "MC’s voice spouted from the pub’s speaker system" --I'm starting to disbelieve that this person can get into every communication system ever... pg 10: "I don’t think this line is secure." --and the corollary to above. If MC can rejigger every communication system ever, I find it hard to believe they can't also secure the line fairly easily. pg 10: "But you have to save those ladies first, I think. I bet Q won’t come here until they’re safe. So, be fast!” --hmmm...also getting a bit frustrated with MC's "I have all the information but can't give it to you for some reason" act. Doesn't giving all the information they can increase the chances of Q&M getting to them and, I suppose, freeing them? pg 10-11: "Well, you shut me out...It was a bad time.” --I'm not sure what they're referring to. Probably WRS? pg 11: glad the MC finally is useful and gives some information, however, the situation is starting to get artificial like a CSI show. Someone has all the information, but won't give it because___. Oh, now we have the information, but won't go because___. We're on opposite sides, except we're really on the same side, except you're still under arrest/curfew because___. I don't have a lot of good reasons why the plot is still stalling, when everything is there in front of them. I think this can be explained, but currently the explanation is missing.

Chapter 3 of book 3. As usual, if anyone is completely lost, I can provide summaries of the first two books. This week features a favorite character of some people, investigating the aftermath of the end of book 2... All comments are welcome. Still looking for any major plot problems. This is the introductory chapter for the second "batch" of POVs, so I want to make sure the connection with the characters is strong. Anything else is fair game. Previously: S, E, and I arrive in the other facet and tell the inhabitants what's going on. E and I learn a little about their species, but they all decide to go back to their facet to learn more, but when they get there, E still has issues from her imprisonment that keep them from leaving. They instead work with the leader of the Ari group, until the Eff faints.

Awesome! Thanks @Robinski! I've heard someone else say that too. It's nuts. I don't know what the cutoff is either, but it's really dumb.

Also in for 12/30! Hopefully the email list will behave this time.

1. Is it interesting to anyone beside me? --Yep! It's interesting. The creepy atmosphere draws you in quickly and prepares the tone for the story. 2. Did you guess what was going to happen too soon/too late? Is it too obvious or too non-obvious? --I got that it was connected with the grandmother somehow, but I was not expecting what actually happened. I was expecting the grandmother to say goodbye through the kid, but what happened was much creepier. 3. General thoughts on character and description - do they fit the scope of the story? --I think the tone was very consistent throughout. The mother and daughter are sort of separated from everything else by fog. The boys are reduced to a single unit of fighting kids, which works because it doesn't distract from the story. Focusing on simple actions and movements by the mother keeps the reader in the story very well. 4. Anything else you notice --I enjoyed it! Definitely made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up when it ended. 5. Title Ideas --I think this one works. "Winter Bird" would also work for me. Looking forward to reading more of your stuff! Notes while reading: pg 1: "Fog" twice in the first paragraph. I'd use a different word. pg 1: "picturing her as a little wounded bird as the nickname implied" --probably not needed. We can gather this from the nickname itself. (Edit: reading through the rest of the story, I don't think "wounded" really needs to be in there. It doesn't add anything) pg 2: "last of her older brothers left for school full day, leaving her afternoons long and lonely." --As in they're gone until evening? I thought schools were usually done by early afternoon. Unless they're in college or something? pg 2: "which would haunt me long after it happened." --this is a bit obtuse. Nothing's happened yet, so I don't know whether something is going to happen to the kid, or someone else, or the landscape, or what. It's vaguely creepy, but not specific enough to really draw me in. pg 3: "Placing the container of sugar" --but she already had her hand in it from the sentence before? pg 3: “I will miss the sugar,” --This just struck me as funny, which I don't think is the intent for this passage... pg 3: "Then the solemnness vanished again" --so she's possessed by a strange and existential ghost? pg 4: "I could swear that her eyes were lit with that same gray blue light" --creepy. pg 4: "Had we really left that gap in the middle of all the gingerbread men?" --the ghost likes cookies? pg 5: "grandmother’s death just before Christmas" --ah. I feel this is important. pg 6: "“Where’s my box?” she said." --I assume this is the daughter. Probably need a tag here. pg 6: “Because I’ll be gone.” --okay, that's really creepy. pg 6: "telltale high pitched glass and I spent" --word missing pg 7: "I seemed to notice" --either she did or she didn't. pg 7: "but now I wonder..." --I don't know if this is necessary. The rest of this is told as if we're present in the story, and this pops me out, as if I'm being told the story as it happened in the past. pg 8: "It had been so sudden, no warning that the next day she would be gone." --This is hinting heavily that either the grandmother is saying goodbye properly through the kid, or that the kid will die the same way. The latter seems a little too much, even for a ghost story... pg 9: Whoo! Well that is a creepy ending! My brain sort of goes into overdrive trying to figure out whether she was always a figment of the mother's imagination, or whether she simply stopped existing. There are some practical problems with either way, but it does still make for a captivating story. And ghost stories don't need to be practical--they're supposed to make your spine crawl, and this one did.

Hopefully everyone has the submission at least once by now...or maybe three times. Let me know if you don't.

Very nice!

I haven't gotten anything, but we're having some problems with the email list.

@Sarah B - yeah, I think the mailing list is acting up again. I'm talking with @Silk about it.

Time for chapter 2 of book 3! Again, if anyone is completely lost, I can provide summaries of the first two books. Slightly over 5000 words this week. Apologies. This week will have a lot more of the Ari interplay, as some have suggested. Let me know how it works. All comments are welcome. Still looking for any major plot problems, as well as for a connection with the characters. Anything else is fair game too! Previously: S, E, and I arrive in the other facet and tell the inhabitants what's going on. E and I learn a little about their species, but they all decide to go back to their facet to learn more.

Another technical problem. Sorry about that. I don’t think the italics transferred over. I’ll make sure it’s correct for the next submission. Yep, I need to tighten up the beginning a lot. Good catch. More visuals, more "what just happened," more emotion, less talking heads. That’s a good suggestion. I’ll try to use that on the next edit. I agree. The next chapter will be heavy Ari to satisfy @kais, so I’m hoping this will be some grounding to get the reader back into the story. Just need to focus it a bit. Noted. I can trim this. Good catch on this as well. I'll do another pass on this. Heh--yeah, pretty much. There will be more of this! Glad you’re seeing this! It will be addressed next chapter (hopefully successfully...) Sam being clingy, basically...I can try to make this clearer. I do--thanks! Always great to see more feedback. Glad you're picking up on these things. The Symphony is based on a vibrational model of the universe, as every physical system can be modeled with an equation of vibration! But I don't put this in the story so people's eyes don't glaze over ;-) On some of your other questions, E's transformation is shown, and the relationship between the three is developed more in the second book. You're missing a little development on the Net. and how it works with relation to what Sam can do, but hopefully it will clear up. I can provide some notes if you are still confused in a few chapters. Thanks everyone!

Thanks to @shatteredsmooth, @industrialistDragon, and @Lightbearer! I somehow missed all week that you'd commented? Sorry about that--I will respond tomorrow when we're on a bus ride to Munich!

HI @KaIPL, I answered your private message. Take a look through the guidelines here: https://www.17thshard.com/forum/topic/1369-welcome-to-reading-excuses/?page=1 and see if that answers all your questions. You should also contact @Silk to get on the mailing list if you haven't yet.

Yay more pictures!

I was wondering where that went! I may have to start posting when my wife and I start building the Jurassic Park gate we got (each other) for Christmas...

Welcome to Reading Excuses, @lizbusby! Looking forward to your submission next Monday!

Also in for next Monday the 23rd, if there's space.