Mandamon

Thanks for the catches, @Sarah B! Glad you liked it.

Thanks @Robinski! The comments are very helpful as always. Ah yes. I need to tighten this up to give it more tension. This is perhaps my fault in not describing the Ari again in this book. In the last book, they were described as sort of "cat-dragons," so it terms of attraction, I'm thinking more of a "noble profile" sort of attraction. Sam thinks the species as a whole is generally more pleasing to the eye (vs. Re's species, which is generally considered ugly as a whole by other species), and this particular specimen is a very good example. Thanks for the catch. I'll work to make this clearer. Good catch! At the risk of being presumptuous, I'm going to give you a RAFO ;-) Yep. This is a thread I dropped. I need to make note of it in the previous chapters. Good thought. I think I may need to rearrange chapters even more to get out of this situation. If I can reduce everything to one trip through the wall that would have the most impact. You're probably going to be annoyed by the next chapter too, but getting to the resolution will be the point where I should have gotten a few chapters ago. Apologies in advance! Yes. Need to bump up this plot thread too. Basically S did it one-way in an act of extreme stress, but isn't able to repeat the action because of the effort required. There will be more explanation in the second half. Well, in one sense that's good. @kais generally likes the apprentice chapters better, so hopefully I've got engagement from different audiences. On the other hand, the feedback on the S/E/I has helped me realize how fragmented they are. I'm going to do some heavy rearranging to make things a lot more streamlined. That said, I think (hope) the second half of the book is a lot more concise. Stay with me one more chapter and I think things will clear up. Very helpful as always!

Thanks @Silk! You might have hit the nail on the head here. Streamlining these chapters should get rid of a lot of the wishy-washy. Good idea. I do want to have her difficulties in there, because it's got good character potential, but having it give them better direction will make it hit harder. I've bumped up some of the information about the diadem in the second book, so hopefully that will lend some more importance to it. There's also going to be a scene at the end where E specifically takes it (or S directs her to), lending some more importance to it. I can also put some more reaction to it in the first chapter.

Part 1 of Chapter 8 of book 3. To head off complaints on characters doing the same things YET AGAIN, let me share what I plan to do with the previous chapters of the S/E/I plotline in the next edit: Old version: S/E/I arrive in the other facet, wander around, and try to go back through the wall, but E has problems and they instead head to the leader of the Ari group. The Eff faints. S gets the Eff settled with E/I, and tries to go through the wall with WW, only to encounter the invaders and the voice. He uses his new powers to escape. Then this chapter happens. new version: S/E/I arrive in the other facet with their news. The Ari leader is there, E has her problems, and E/I learn about their folks. The Eff faints shortly thereafter. They all take her to the Ari section, and S goes off with WW to try to pass through the wall. This joins back up with the current narrative. Hopefully this will take out some of the back and forth to the wall and make things less annoying. Please attempt to remember things as if they happened the second way above ;-) All comments are welcome, as usual.

Thanks @Silk! Yeah, this chapter, chapter 2 and chapter 7 are likely to get combined in some way, so be prepared for that! Gah. No. This is just me having trouble using my own neopronouns. I think I've largely cleared up all the problems with this in book 2.

Thanks @lizbusby! Yes, this is explained in the second book. I'm not too worried about S being powerful here. This is the third in a series, so he's had plenty of time to "rev up." Yeah, I'll have to do a little work on this section and massage the worldbuilding. Some of this got explained in book 2. This place is more or less pre-industrial revolution. Yep. This will be cleaned up a lot. Also sorry in advance for next chapter! There will be more wishy-washy-ness, but I'm planning to condense all the S/E/I POV chapters to get rid of some of it. Ah, thanks for catching. I don't know if I covered that in this book. The walls follow a day/night cycle in terms of light output. Actually into it. Something from book 2 again...sorry. Good feedback. This will help me clean this section up. I don't think I was clear in what I meant. Thanks again!

Thanks @industrialistDragon and @kais! Very helpful comments and I think it cements how I want to edit this chapter. I'm hoping this general disfavor is because the chapter is retreading a lot of ground. I think I'm going to pull this one forward and combine it with the first two. That will remove one of the "tries" and spice up the beginning. I think that will also help correct this problem, as I can expand the chat in the first couple chapters and/or have an extension here. Sort of. There are a few indirect bits later on. I actually have a short story I'm planning to release with the kickstarter for the sequels that is actually set at the beginning of the war. I really like it, but I'm going to have to make sure it's consistent with the books now I've written them. It was one of the bonuses from the last kickstarter for an individual. hmm...I was actually going for mid-eastern/Indian. I'll go back and check what I wrote. Cool! This was where I started to hit my stride experimenting with dictation, and I think it helps me communicate emotion better.

I'd like a spot for next week. This chapter is suuuuper long at around 7500 words, so I'll try to find a good place to divide it unless people are just really excited about a long chapter.

I have a similar reaction to this chapter as @lizbusby. Our heroes have been searching for the ladies, and trying to figure out all the mysteries by themselves, when suddenly the MC (who's been reticent the whole time) basically points a huge glowing banner over G-corp saying their princess is in this castle and this is where the boss fight will be. I'd like it to be much more of a struggle for them to get where they need to go (just not a long struggle, like crossing hundreds of miles of empty Canadian wilderness). Also confused as to where the dinosaur came from and who directed them to escort the group. Notes while reading: Pg 2: "believe" -> "believed", "How far to you trust" -> "How far do you trust" pg 4: I like the continued scale/cello metaphor. pg 4: "that he’ll intercede if… when we find them," --who's "them?" the ladies? pg 6: "Yeah, well, every day’s Sunday in the convent..." --great line and very M. pg 6: "They were moving through M’s domain" --why is it DM's? I thought they were near D's house? pg 8: "So what they doing" --missing "are" pg 8: I'm not sure why the dinosaurs are escorting them, or how they even found the group. Did DM send them, or was it just a chance encounter? If DM sent them, it's another case of him not doing anything when he could take them down, and I can't really believe there are many of those creatures. pg 10: "9x19mm problem" --not sure what this is. pg 11: Very confused why they are being escorted by dinosaurs. pg 12: "Does it matter now? He has them in one of the empty habitats" --Hmmm...this is...very convenient, and sort of a letdown. The whole point of the last section is to find those two before DM, and now he's found, them but everything's fine because he's somehow not instantly killing them as he's promised the whole book? pg 12: "That’s not the main thing right anymore. We’re coming to the end. You need to come to G NOW! Everything you need is here." --Uh, ok. This also seems very authorial, like you're telling us "here's where the book wraps up." pg 12: ok, you point this out in the next paragraph, so that helps some, but this all still feels very convenient. pg 13: "“Don’t talk over me! You think I’d have let this mess happen" --MC is suddenly very chatty and plot convenient here. pg 14: With the special agent override, this even more feels like the plot pointing the characters to go to the big boss battle at the end. They could have gone to G at any point, but now it's suddenly very urgent they do so immediately, and oh yeah, all the people they've been looking for happen to be there as well.

Welcome to Reading Excuses, @Silverbard! Yes, you sort of stepped into the deep end here, but thanks for the valiant effort! Glad you like it. All three books are very queer-friendly. Granted. They're definitely strange if you haven't read the rest. Great catch. I'll look at this and make sure I make it more active. I usually put more direct emotion in with my second draft, and that helps get rid of passive voice too. @Sarah B Great! I really liked this one too when I read through it. I'll look for them. Thanks for catching!

Yes, yes, and definitely! There were only a few sections I was confused with, mainly how the koalas were involved, why E was in danger, and what she knew at the start. I think if you clear up the first just a little more to show they're not actually connected, I'd read straight through this with no problems. Overall, a funny and fulfilling story. Notes while reading: pg 2: "In the five years since" --ah, was wondering when this took place. Although, still girlfriends after five years? pg 2: "dubbed it." --missing a quote pg 3: Ah, good. The binding ceremony is a topic here. pg 4: "stopped needing a third partner" --I was looking for this explanation all through the books! pg 7: "started producing fruit, which is…apparently not normal." --huh...interesting. So this is fruit, from a race commonly accepted as gods... ;-) pg 9: *fans self* pg 11: The koalas are awesome. pg 12: "had thought to tap them for something called ‘maple syrup’" --Ha! That's great. pg 14: "A tree ring." --you can't hear me, but I'm groaning with A. pg 15: "I have to go. E is in danger!" --good tension, but I'm sort of confused why E is in danger and what A thinks it is. pg 16: "The fruits have nothing to do with the koala infestation, I told you!" --she did? Still not sure why they would be dangerous for E. pg 19: confused. I get the path strewn with flowers and E leading A on, but how did E know A was going to come there? She was supposed to be at the port for a while yet, right? pg 20: “The koalas,” ... “And the fruit.” --so...did E manufacture all this? How did she know the koalas would make the fruit and the rings? pg 27: so the koalas were actually there accidentally. Got confused there in the middle, but everything mostly got explained at the end.

Yep. I think I have some ideas on how to handle this. Some of it will include bringing a lot of the next chapter earlier, and adding more danger into M's chapter. Hopefully getting rid of at least two of them will tidy things up. Yay! Glad he's doing better this time around. I'm hoping he'll get some redemption in this book, but I'm also adjusting the arc in the last book so he's not quite as off-the-deep-end. lol Understandable. This is something I'm changing. Re originally killed J, then the Ari ate her, but that wasn't working for his character. Now he's an unwilling assistant, and carried along because the Ari have decided they like him and he's useful (which is not a great thing to be). Good. glad it works here. Although I think you've found a promise I haven't fully followed through on. Need to make some notes for later chapters... Yeah, I think this is all still pretty muddled. I'm working to clear it up in Book 2 and make the thread stronger in this book as well. Thanks @industrialistDragon!

Chapter 7 of book 3. Sorry for the length! After reading this over, I think a lot of the things in this chapter can be pulled back and compressed with the first two chapters to make a more powerful beginning. Let me know what you think! All comments are welcome, as usual. Previously: S, E, and I arrive in the other facet and tell the inhabitants what's going on. E and I learn a little about their species, but they all decide to go back to their facet to learn more, but when they get there, E still has issues from her imprisonment that keep them from leaving. They instead work with the leader of the Ari group, until the Eff faints. Man comes to the Imperium with his new Society, to learn what happened after they tried to bring something through with his device (at the end of books 2). We switch to Ri and Co, who have escaped to HD's homeworld, at an installation of their art, where they regain their bearings. They go back to the Imp, where they engage some of the invaders, with great effort, and then go to a Speaker's estate, where she is collecting refugees. We then go to Re and the assassins and learn how they escaped the invaders.

Alright with me.

Oof! This next chapter is 6000 words, but my chapter last week was pretty short. Any objections? The two after this are even longer, so I'll have to split them up into two parts each. (But hey, @kais, it's all about the apprentices and the Ari!)

Thanks @kais Glad that Re is going over well. I like writing his voice too... I tried to put some recap in the first few paragraphs, but evidently not enough. I'll try to expand it without being infodumpy. I think this is also partly because I didn't set up this plotline as memorably in the last book. I'm working on those edits now, so I'll try to beef it up so this exchange on the LC side makes more sense.

Thanks @lizbusby and @Robinski! I'm hoping this will be clearer on the next Re chapter. It's a three-part epigraph detailing the power structure on the Sath homeworld, which I'm hoping will give the reader a little more background as the story progresses. Yep, I see this as well as I read through. I think these chapters will change the most in the next draft, to spice up the beginning some more and get the characters into the action faster. Just need to figure out how... Er, yes. I hope this will be clearer to one who's just read the second book. The assassins are worming their way into the LC leaders, who are a small subset/cult of the Sath species. N just disagrees with the other leaders a lot. Yeah, I think this is the biggest thing that needs shoring up here. I want to have this "inside" viewpoint, but I need to work some more on the end of the last book to set it up better. Fortunately, I'm editing that draft now, so I'll ponder while I rewrite!. Maybe something to do with how Re knows In? Noted. I need to work on their reasoning better. I'm leaning toward they're acting "in character" so much that they take on the target's personality. Hopefully going to shore this up with edits to the end of book 2. Yep. Going to bump up their dangerous-ness a lot in the next draft. Thanks! I really like writing him, but I knew there were problems going into this. Glad the overall tone is at least going right. Hope to get everything ironed out better on the next draft.

Getting on the docket for Monday the 27th, before I forget.

I feel like this is better streamlined, and gets to the point better. It also makes a much better "boom" moment at the end with the coup rather than just fixing an election. That said, I don't feel like this chapter does a lot. Moving the revelation of mystery caller to the previous chapter takes some of the tension out (though I like that you did it) and doesn't replace it with anything. So there's a little revelation about the way the colonies are organized, a couple good character moments, and then the revelation at the end. It's better, but it feel it could be tied tighter still. pg 3: "The capo’s devotion was measured in millions. Where was his? Lying in the dust of an empty Seattle apartment." --where was his what? Unclear sentence. pg 5: tense error? "man may not like him" -> "man may not have liked him" pg 6: "clapped him on the shoulder and moved away towards his room, leaving Q perplexed." --Not sure why he's perplexed? pg 7: "perhaps the more likely scenario is TOM is hanging DM out to dry" --I'm still not sure I get this leap in logic, but it could be clarified by some prework earlier in the narrative. pg 8: "wondering about your informant" "Because, they’d use a false name" --she's still talking about Q's son, right? This might be an artifact from the changes. pg 9: “Caller… J," --is this supposed to be N? pg 11: Nice hook at the end.

Thanks @Sarah B! Glad the descriptions were better this time. On the two "S" names, they don't really matter for this chapter except to say that there are two different species. If you've read the other books, you might get some more out of it.

Chapter 6 of book 3, with the last (yes, I know) major POV intro for this book. Short chapter this week, and this particular POV acts sort of like Man's in book 2. If you have read the second book, there is also a change to the end which should be made evident in the first paragraph. All comments are welcome, and I'm hoping this has a little more tension in it vs. the "meet and greet" of the last few chapters. Previously: S, E, and I arrive in the other facet and tell the inhabitants what's going on. E and I learn a little about their species, but they all decide to go back to their facet to learn more, but when they get there, E still has issues from her imprisonment that keep them from leaving. They instead work with the leader of the Ari group, until the Eff faints. Man comes to the Imperium with his new Society, to learn what happened after they tried to bring something through with his device (at the end of books 2). We switch to Ri and Co, who have escaped to HD's homeworld, at an installation of their art, where they regain their bearings. They go back to the Imp, where they engage some of the invaders, with great effort, and then go to a Speaker's estate, where she is collecting refugees.

Thanks @lizbusby! Yes, others fought back, but Our Heroes of course manage to do things better. Good point, though. I do need to up the tension is this area. Oh, interesting. I didn't even think about it this way. More that everyone was doing their part to help evacuate, even the assistant to the Speaker. Ha! Good catch. I tend to layer in more emotion in my later drafts, so I'll pay attention to this part. Noted. I'll try to prop up this argument more. Thanks again!

I'm glad my coworkers don't know about this site!

I'll be at a con this weekend, so throwing my name in for a submission next Monday the 20th.

Thanks for the feedback, @industrialistDragon! I'm going to have to think about which way to put these. In any case, those are great chapter summaries ;-) Yep, I knew this part was going to be hard going into it. I think it picks up later, but I'm juggling getting the reader into the story with keeping tension and describing characters. I'll take another stab at it soon.