Mandamon

Nice hook! Page 11 and on is pretty smooth reading, but I think the beginning still takes too long to get going. Detective stories start with the brunette walking into the office, and this one takes 4 pages to get there. I'd move all the explanation about previous jobs to later in the chapter, or break it up. When D is recovering from the allergies would be a good time for some explanation as well. I think it's good information, but not needed for the consultation with the woman. Notes while reading: pg 1: Great intro. pg 1: "pleasure-turned-murder weapon" --pleasure weapon turned murder weapon? Something off about this phrase. pg 2: Pacing on this. The first couple pages are her going over things that happend in the past. Why is she looking at the first murder weapon? Is there a reason she's remniscing now? pg 3: Maybe a little slow on the first couple pages. pg 3: "Back to the cabinet then. Back to the real world. The new pink d" --this says it's new, but on the first page it started her career. --Also, the theme here seems to be looking at the past, which isn't a great way to start a novella. We haven't yet seen what the story is about. pg 4: So it's only at page 4 that we get the brunette walking into the office, which is the promise in the chapter title. What if we start with the brunette walking in, and get the explanation about the cabinet and "trophies" later on? pg 6: getting into lots of adverbs in the first few paragraphs. pg 9: great end to the interview. I still think the beginning drags too much. Maybe put some of the history into the interview, or have a little bit after the break when she's eating pizza? pg 11: "Her nose tickled, threatening another sneeze." --nice hints, and this works well with the brunette getting over a cold. pg 13: "Still, an allergic reaction gave her a solid data point." --I'm still not completely sold on her reasoning here, but she does address it at least. --Also, while she's waiting it out would be a good place for some introspection and "how did I get here" with some of the text from the first couple pages. pg 14: "They were polite, and friendly, and helped her with her groceries on occasion, but they still hadn’t needed the full frontal" --excellent line. pg 17: "a gigantic house on a postage-stamp sized lot... " --I think I've been to that house... pg 18: The end of the chapter is excellent and chugs along. The beginning needs a littel tidying up, I think.

I had a similar reaction to @kais on this one. There's not a whole lot of movement, even with missing chapter 4. The conversation with Me. gives a little more clarify, but most of the concepts happened in the first conversation already. I wonder if this one could be edited down to the places with movement--talking to H, getting chickens, talking with Me. about being a champion--and combined with the meeting in the last chapter? Notes while reading: pg 2: "He looked to his right" --Lots of looking around and thinking so far in the chapter. Not a lot happening yet. pg 2: "had let C leave as they pleased" --Were they under guard? I'm not sure why since A basically just saved everyone. --oh wait...I went back and read the summary. pg 2: "It was a well-known phenomenon that con. often changed after they received their powers." --and some more good explanation. pg 3: "what is Evil, my child? Is it to disobey the laws set by the Keepers here in their pathetic little city?" --hmmm...a bit worrying. pg 5: Good conversation, but I feel like we've gone over this before. pg 8: "You can’t impersonate another m! They’ll banish you!" --Can't remember if we knew this before. pg 11: Hmm...Even missing a chapter in between, I feel this didn't move a lot. It's mostly dealing with A's decision to act, but he already started to when he healed his parent.

This chapter has some good parts in it. I'm not completely on board with the two POVs yet, mainly because I think most of it could be covered from A's side. He has a lot to think about and seeing his reaction and emotions might help. Overall in the story, I wonder if we're getting this dramatic event too soon? I don't often say that, but I wonder if we need one more chapter of setup to show more about how the city works and where the Mi. are placed in it. I don't think I have the required information to know why A getting this power is such a big thing. Notes while reading: pg 1: placement. Since this is a different POV, I think we need to set where/when we are a little better. pg 1: Lol. I think the joke here might be funnier than the actual punchline. pg 3/4: something's off in this exchange and I don't know what. Maybe we don't get enough of C's emotion? pg 5: ah, we're back with A's POV. I wonder if the first section can be told from that POV as well? Might make it easier to understand why he's having trouble communicating? pg 5: would A have the technical words to describe what's happening here? pg 6: M seems eager to explain. Can A ask why the others can't hear him? pg 10/11: This is a good sequel to what happens, sort of summing things up. I think we're seeing a lot of things happen though, and not a lot of reaction. I think the emotions and reactions need to be unpacked through here, especially if you're using two POVs. There are a lot of suggestions about what's going to happen and we don't yet know enough about the city to understand what it means.

Yes, I think these two chapters could probably be combined into one, along with cutting some of the discussion between pg 6 and 11. I don't think it adds a lot. And yes, the end of this works as a great chapter break. I was not expecting a bonafide supernatural agent to show up! Chapter 3 was good, and I liked the fight scene. It showed how powerless A and the M are compared to the others. I also liked that A also had no idea who this divine aspect was who shows up. I feel like in the Bible, people are just waiting around for angels to appear, but this was much more realistic. It almost comes across as a comedic moment, though. Not sure if that's what you intended? A has no idea who this being is giving out power, but of course he'll accept! He's got his own plans. I also don't think think it's too similar to Stormlight. Most everything about the book so far is different. Notes while reading: pg 1: I think there's a bit too much description of things in the first paragraph before getting to the kicker--that it's burning. I thought we had switched scenes before I got to that bit. pg 1: "He skidded, stooping low to hide behind the well" --Is there a reason to think he would need to hide, rather than acting in an emergency rescue function? I thought he was saving people from the fire? pg 2: noting that he recognized the person as a danger before hiding will make more sense. pg 4/5: good action! pg 6: "leaving the two of them alone in the burning square." --The three of them? The pyro is still there, right? pg 11: There's a lot of discussion and wandering so far in this chapter. I feel like it's missing a central point. pg 12: Ah, there it is. Weird god appearing. pg 13: I like that A is also not taking any crap from a late-appearing self-professed god. pg 15: I'm surprised the phantom thinks anyone would pass up getting powers? pg 16: It's definitely a deus-ex-machina, but I'm interested where this goes, especially as A doesn't seem to want to go along with whatever the phantom's plan is.

Ok--if you want to self publish, send me a DM. Basically, putting it on Amazon with no support will guarantee you no sales. Fortunately, I run a small press now, and I think this is a good story! I can work with you on final edits, get a good cover, and include this in my lineup of releases for 2023. It will get a lot more exposure. If that sounds like a good idea, we can talk.

Out of curiosity, where are you planning to submit it to?

I see all.

Overall, I enjoyed this, but I'm struggling to put into words what was bugging me. I think the whole chapter is a little disjointed. There's some plot going on, except A isn't part of it, and then there's some downtime with him tending the sick and his parent, and then he stumbles into finding out about the fire. But he isn't proacting for any part of it. He's always reacting. It makes this chapter more passive when it should have A heroically rescuing the sick. Notes while reading pg 4: "“What’s going on?” someone shouted." --There's something off in this section. A's told to take care of the sick, then goes in and riles them all up to move them around, and scares them by having them wear bandanas like there's something suddenly infectious that there wasn't before. I'm not sure why he's doing all this. pg 6: a bit of an infodump with wishing for powers. pg 8: "He wasn’t sure what had possessed him to come out here in the first place. He turned to go inside, but something caught his nose." --It seems a little plotful to have him wander over to a door just to smell the next plot point. pg 9: "He channeled their fear. He shouted orders, demanding attention and obedience" --This seems a big switch. I thought it was magic powers first, but I think it's just that he's acting? which begs the question of why Y told him to tend the sick if he's so good at this. His talents might be better for whatever plan is going on. pg 11: I was a little confused here with what was happening. I thought at first R was still trapped, but then was crawling out of the wreckage and had latched onto A's ankle. Instead he going running off after some noise.

I think this definitely helps the flow of the story. The transformation stone now has a good use, and we get some hints of what's going on with the prisoners and why Q is there in the first place. I liked the section with B, and it was pretty convincing that Q couldn't do anything to break him out. Q also seems to have more purpose in this one, rather than wandering around for the first few chapters last time. Overall, a nice improvement! I think this will tie in with the end of the story much better.

I think this does a much better job of setting up the story. We've still got the great humor and character elements, but also some good worldbuilding additions. I think this will help the story a lot. Notes while reading: pg 2: "This assignment is what’s paying both the rent. You know?" --Better goal for them with this line. There's a word missing, though. pg 3: "He liked to insist that it spoke to his productivity as a freelance practitioner of the mystic arts." --Ah. Is this new? So F is also a reporter? pg 6: "to make sure that his one chance of returning to human form didn’t kick the bucket" --Another good reason for them to be together. pg 8: "She wondered if Her Majesty’s stupid contract had a clause for that" --Nice. Another way to set up their relationship. pg 9: "She felt her heart skip a beat as she read it:" --another good piece of setup. Ties in well to later revelations. pg 10: The part about E explains about the witches right off the bat. Much better.

Thanks for submitting this! It's a fun story. That said, I think the ending needs to be fleshed out a little. I have similar thoughts to @Silk. We're not really given enough information at the beginning to put the other witches as the antagonists, so E sort of comes out of nowhere. And the queen being stupid...I don't think really worked. There's no reason for the witches not to just take over. If nothing else, to save the kingdom from destruction from misrule. It would be much better if E was disguised as the queen, or the queen was the secret mastermind (even if she's still nuts), or something like that. Some other things: I also agree with Silk that E pretending to be in danger didn't really do anything. Why not just show off her power and escape easily? Also, I didn't get what Q was explaining to F about being old at the end. Did she get younger by using magic on F somehow? In all, I think this can be a really fun novella, after another draft. Notes while reading: pg 1: "Her bones felt more brittle" --Interesting. Does the Sunspot's magic negate other magic? pg 3: “You overdosed,” --on what? pg 5: "rubbed each of her palm" --rubbed each with her palms? Or is she rubbing her palms to heal her legs? --ah...further down she seems to have hand-based magic. pg 6: "had her own flame that’d been carrying her on" --a bit awkward. Had to read this a couple times. pg 7: "She pulled the translucent tapestry" --great visual, and ick. pg 10: "The Queen gave her a big, beaming smile" --I'm not too sure on what's going on with the queen or why she's in power. pg 12: "And I swore the oath. So it fell to me." --This one's a little hard to swallow. I think I could believe it, but only if there's a lot more setup at the beginning. pg 13: "If it weren’t for the fact that she weren’t being backed..." --except she's being obeyed, not backed, from what I can tell... pg 15: "Rhyming was beneath him" --I'm missing the rhyme. pg 16: "And then, he saw it." --wait--what's the answer here? I don't get it.

Overall, similar comments to @Silk on this one. I'm enjoying the story and the humor a lot, but I feel the twists and turns in this last submission (and probably in the last one, next time) don't have the impact they could. I think most of it is the worldbuilding, but also I think the story is drifting a little from what was originally promised at the beginning--or rather wasn't. I remember saying I wasn't sure where the story was going in the first and second submissions, so that would be a great place to drop in some tidbits of the worldbuilding we see here, like several members of the court had been exiled, or what the other witches were doing. Looking forward to the last one! Notes while reading: pg 3: I was a little confused on what F was feeling and what it meant. pg 5: "E? Is that you?" --should we know who this is? Was this one of the witches from last time? pg 6: "you’re just one rose." --Yes, I've been curious about this the whole time. pg 7: The who revelation is taken down a bit because we have no idea who this person is. You maybe could include an off hand reference about Y somewhere near the beginning to plant a seed of recognition. pg 9: "Unless they knew." --this part is sort of a pivot from the main story. We're veering off into a different one about the witches, when they haven't really been integral yet. pg 11: "Though really, how well did she truly know E?" --we can't really answer this, as readers, because we don't know. pg 13: "Hark, fiend!" --great interruption. pg 13: "She watched as maybe the most important story of her career bled away" --I think some of these big revelations are missing the mark just slightly because we don't have enough buildup at the beginning. Also, in this case, she was trying to kill B until about 5 minutes ago, so this should overall be a relief. pg 15: "Q snapped her fingers" --interesting. I'm wondering what power she has left.

I really enjoyed this submission. Good action, good dialogue, and good plot development. This is also where we start seeing some things that could be dropped in the first few chapters to get around the excessive joking and gags to let the reader know that more is coming. I had similar comments before, but I feel the later chapters are revving up into an exciting book. I think most of this can be handled with editing on the next draft to balance out the first chapters with these. Overall, I'm enjoying the characters, the dialogue, and the world! Notes while reading: pg 3: "Again. I respect you—" --Really? Does either of them respect the other? pg 4: ah. Well Q definitely doesn't respect F, but I thought it was mutual. pg 5: "So I had to play babysitter until the Queen thought you turned over a new leaf." --nice. Glad we're getting some more on that front. pg 6: " If you really had that much power," --also a good question. pg 9: I like that F is sort of being redeemed despite himself, but I think it needs to be supported at little more in the first few chapters to be really believable. pg 11: "But the minutes dragged into hours, and nothing came to her." --this is the second time Q's wasted hours with a dumb mistake when she could probably get out of it somehow. It makes her seem pretty incompetent. pg 13: "one-land-based mammal" --er, ostriches are birds, not mammals. pg 13: Yeah, calling for the other witches makes it seem like she certainly has other options as well. pg 18: I love all the stuff with the other witches. If there were a couple more hints in the earlier chapters about how much she doesn't want to talk to them, I think that would make this even better.

Also not great on critiquing lyrics, but I have similar thoughts to @JWerner. My biggest thing was the hitch between "I’m" and "Nobody’s." I was sort of rationalizing it as "I am" nobody's perfect, meaning you can't satisfy everyone, but it still took some mental gymnastics to get there. I'm also not entirely sure what "but mine" is referring to. The lyrics definitely resonate, as it's a nice progression of "getting there." However, I'll second JWerner that there is a missing beat between "trying" and "reconciling." Maybe one more verse between 3 and 4? That's all I got...

I also really enjoyed this submission! Not a lot of notes and most were minor. I caught the same awkward sentence at the beginning that @ginger_reckoning did. Lots of great excitement, and the main thing was the extended scene about loading the gun could be cut down. Looking forward to the next one! Notes while reading: pg 1: But zombies, being zombies, got to circumvent both rules, apparently. --Meaning the vampire can bend them to her will and it works on them? This was a little confusing to figure out. Pg 1: "If she survived this, she’d make sure that he wouldn’t, damn the Queen’s decree" --I think this is the first indication that some other force is keeping Q from killing F. This could easily go in chapter 1. pg 3: I was concerned about all the miming when Q started talking to the gate guards, but I think the speech was pretty inspiring in the end! pg 4: "figuratively and literally, liberated his body from his head." --Does any one figuratively liberate their head from their body? pg 5: "I plagiarized that paper to the pit and back" --Why would he plagiarize if he had already done all the experiments? pg 7: “Yeah, well, I haven’t gotten to use it in bloody forever.” --I'd think she still remembered something... pg 7: "Forever being more along the lines of four decades." --ah, so the line about being a septuagenarian wasn't saying she just felt old. I think I missed that she was older before if it was mentioned. pg 8: "She looked around the weapon." --this section is getting long and it seems really odd she doesn't remember anything about loading a gun. pg 11: I'm quite enjoying seeing F's head get back together with his body... pg 18: yeah, no notes after pg 11. Quite enjoyed the action!

I remember this. It's a hard line to walk. I've tried to excise all but the absolutely necessary internal dialogue and telepathic communication in my books for that reason. It is industry standard to put it in italics, and it does get annoying if there's too much of it, which may be what happened in your previous story. Some italics, done right, works well. But especially in a story where there can be telepathic communication and internal dialogue, getting the wording clear so you know which is which is hard to do.

Definitely!

It's getting a lot harder to read through this as the chapters progress. There's two vastly different tones, one with teenagers pulling pranks on teachers, and the other with those teachers being wardens who are torturing prisoners. It doesn't work both ways. I think there needs to be a bit more work on the worldbuilding through here to make the tone consistent through the story. I'm having trouble respecting any of the characters, as their actions, emotions, and words are completely divergent from each other. Notes while reading: pg 2: "He really is the president’s son." --how does she know he's talking to the president though? pg 2: This seems kind of far fetched that two prisoners could sneak to an unguarded room where people are debating the future of an authoritarian world. pg 3: "If I wasn’t trying to stay hidden I would’ve busted in there and punched the president by now." --the MC seems very bad at decision-making. pg 4: "and doesn’t see us behind the door." --really? pg 4: "run back to my room." --I still don't understand how this prison is run. pg 5: "tries to wake me up, I ignore her until she threatens to send me to L" --this seems more like a boarding school than a prison. pg 8: again, sneaking candies around under the gifteds' noses seems more like a school than a place where they plot to commit genocide. pg 8: "“We need to hack into the gifteds computer system" --how do they have computer access when they're prisoners? pg 11: it's getting increasingly harder to reconcile the MC's flippant tone and plans that should be caught immediately with what's going on in the story. They're doing pranks? pg 15: “You try anything like that again, and you and your family die. Got it?” --He already made this threat once and never followed through. There's no reason to obey him now.

Not a lot of notes on this one. It's definitely opened up into a wider story, which comedies often have a hard time doing. I have to admit, I wasn't expecting quite this level of gore and descriptive wording, but it's certainly unique. I think defining the relationship between Q and F closer to the beginning will help this scene play out even stronger. I'm still not clear on why they haven't gone separate ways before now, especially since F doesn't seem to have any compunctions about causing Q harm. Overall, I'm enjoying this a lot though! Looking forward to the next one. Notes while reading: pg 2: " It’d been considerably foolish of him to turn his back to them" --So he'd just been staring them down for two hours? pg 3: There's a bit much on the phallic references through this story... pg 8: I'm enjoying the banter between F and the vampire. You have some great characters in here. pg 9: Took me a minute to figure out this was Q's article. pg 13: "All of which he could have gone and done without ruining her assignment." --unsure why this ruins the assignment? Can Q not get the link to her typewriter back? pg 14: "and an entire second jaw popped out" --ok, you got me with that one. Good work! pg 18: Well, this chapter certainly had more things happening!

I enjoyed this chapter overall, but like @FlowerGirl, I think it's a bit uneven. P's emotions range from absent to conflicted, and then they seem to be all for it with the kiss at the end. Not that people can't be conflicted, but I think there needs to be a little more connectivity between the changes in emotion through here. Aside from that, I'm enjoying meeting different fae and learning about them. Also interested to see what this big conspiracy is! Notes while reading: pg 1: Re kissing: definitely want to find out what happened here! Hope this gets expanded on later. pg 2: “OK you agree to be my consort or you agree to pretend?” --have to say I'm with A on this one! There's an important distinction! pg 3: "Or was it better to pretend and hope no one caught onto their charade?" --This whole paragraph seems to disregard any actual emotions P has for A. What do they want? Also, the previous sentence is pretty awkward. pg 3: "but the prospect of lying next to him" --next to xir pg 3: "The thought of being that close to xir was making their heart flutter and their cheeks heat." --okay, this starts getting into the emotion at least. pg 3: "You do not know what my birth gender was and maybe I want to keep it that way just a little longer.” --does it matter if A is nonbinary? Also do fae have the same sexes humans do? This opens up a whole other set of questions. pg 5: "it was either a really big one or the situation just wasn’t serious enough yet to warrant the investment." --a bit of an infodump here. pg 7: some interesting description of the castle through here, but it could be streamlined a bit. pg 8: "Unless xe wasn’t really helping but was just pretending to as part of some cruel fae game." --Getting a bit over-thinky here. pg 9: "it would look like the wink was meant to imply..." --probably don't need this much explanation here. I got the hint... pg 10: I feel like the emotion is a bit uneven through here as to what P actually feels for A.

There was not a lot of movement these chapters, and a lot of repetition both in this chapter and with the chapters previous. I'm also getting concerned with the vastly different situation to emotional reaction. All the prisoners are breezing through, eating candy, and complaining about hard days when they're being actively tortured and their families threatened. Those things just don't match up. I'm still not sure what the objective is, and the MC doesn't seem to have a clear goal, whether avoiding, torture, or escaping, or righting the system. This is the fifth chapter, so by now we should have a clear idea what's going on, but I don't have that yet. This is a good time to take a look at the story as a whole and where it's going. Then see if these chapters are supporting that goal. Notes while reading: pg 1: "but like all gifteds Catherine has enhanced strength" --I didn't know this before. pg 3: "What's making reeducation so difficult for you?” --We don't know the purpose any more than the MC does, for one. pg 4: "You’re dismissed" --This chapter doesn't really have a full arc to me. It's just a warning from R, but nothing else happens. pg 4: "The gifteds are supposed to be perfect. Perfect people don’t threaten families." --does anyone actually think this? The gifteds are pretty universally vile. pg 5: "I want to punch" --this is the fourth time this has come up in three pages. Maybe expand on this, or have something a little more creative? pg 7: "Between torture and all the revelations about the gifted’s sometimes people start have meltdowns.” --I don't think the emotions in this story are really matching the events. These people are being tortured and victimized, and they're mostly shrugging things off. pg 7: "I’m not really worried about myself, I can deal." --this sort of thing. This doesn't seem like an accurate response to "he will kill my family." pg 8: "“I did try to run when I became Triported.” F slowly nods, “That’s probably it.” --Really? I'd imagine everyone would pg 8: "The worst that can happen is that she gets reported." --Doesn't she know differently by now? She's discovered the gifted are not who they say. pg 10: "I flop backwards so I’m laying down," --this whole conversation is taking a long time, and I don't think we've learned anything new. No one seems to have any strong feelings toward the gifteds victimizing the entire population. Everyone is far too relaxed. pg 10: "R definitely wouldn’t have liked it if you'd injured a gifted. But still, you yelled at a gifted. That’s crazy." --What? Which is it? "definitely wouldn’t have liked it" is really lax. Her family has been threatened with death for her just yelling. Punching should be far worse. pg 14: "your sister is, in fact, dating the president’s son.” --I think this is the first new information this chapter. The lectures. lessons, and torture are all the same as before, and taken far too lightly. pg 18: There still aren't any big stakes here. The MC doesn't have a goal, and is sort of floating through horrible torture and death threats with little emotional reaction. I think either the emotional side needs to be played up a lot, if that's what you're going for, or the subject matter with the gifteds needs to be reduced so the reactions are in proportion.

I think it works, because this gets into the ethical considerations pretty quickly in this chapter. I know what sort of story I'm in for, assuming the tone stays similar.

Similar to @ginger_reckoning, your characters are fun to read and very unique. Just for that, I'm having fun reading this. But the back half of this submissions lagged a bit, as I still don't really know what the plot is, or what the characters' aims are. I'm also not really sure what the relationship between Q and F is. It seems like either of them could just leave the other and everything would be for the better. Why are they stuck together? The whole sequence of going to the stadium and back seem like a bit of a page-filler. Not a lot happens, and I wonder if it could be combined with going there tomorrow, or at least cutting the description down a lot. I also agree with Ginger about the ending. Since we don't know of any loyalty between the two, and Q actually enjoys that F is taken, there's no real tension to move on to the next chapter. Still, I'm interested in reading more! Notes while reading: pg 1: "had thrown to kill that freakishly huge arachnoid" --now I'm wondering where this came from and what the story is here. pg 2: The handshake here is weird. I'm wondering if Q is doing something sneaky? pg 3: "by talking with an apparently mute ostrich" --So I guess F communicates telepathically? That wasn't clear before. pg 4: "her two gold coins—quickly palmed off these ladies" --I guess that was the weird handshake then? pg 5: "maintain a legitimate combat arena" --oh yeah, that's what they're doing. I'd forgotten. pg 6: "When Q was asked to do a review of Queensworth’s gladiator pit" --Oh, she was asked? This would be good to have in the first chapter. pg 8: "Somehow she’d done it, and it was too big of a hassle to try and figure out how to undo." --It's getting a bit long through here for them to find accommodations and get to whatever they're doing. pg 9: "they’d been saddled together." --Also, I'm unsure why F and Q are traveling together when they seem to be enemies. Why doesn't F just run off? pg 10: still going pretty slow through here. Might cut back on the description a bit to tighten things up. pg 13: "Now she just had to wait until midday the next day for the actual match." --Still pretty slow through this section. I don't know why she needs to evaluate this stadium, so it doesn't seem very relevant to me.

This is a great start! The two biggest things I found were the original goal being unclear, and then a lack of a good hook at the end of the chapter. The worldbuilding is fascinating, and I think the link to current events gives this a little edge that makes it seem more realistic. Looking forward to more! Notes while reading: pg 1: "even if you could change your appearance at will," --These first two paragraphs are confusing as I thought he was just thickening calluses, but then it said he was pretending to be a different person, which sounds like he's changed a lot more. pg 2: "one of the many names supplied by his client" --I'm still unclear on what he's doing, though he and his client seem to be in on it. pg 3: "Curious, A and several other workers wandered over to take a closer look." --So now a few things have happened, with the client's wife and now this disturbance, but neither seem to be what A is trying to do. I'm wondering about that more. pg 4: "a fellow m" --I missed the reference the first time the word came up, but evidently it's A's species? pg 5: Well that got dark quickly! pg 7: "That was older for m than it was for humans, though." --I assume this means emotionally? Since as far as I can tell, years are years, here. pg 7: "He knew why someone would hire a m to stand in as themselves for an afternoon, to be witnessed by friends and coworkers." --this would be useful to have up at the beginning. pg 10: This is an interesting start, but the end of the chapter is lacking a hook. It needs something to propel readers on from here.

Oh, uhhh...yes?