shatteredsmooth

I'm a maybe for tomorrow. If I get to the critiques I owe people this week and get my next chapter cleaned up enough for people to read, I'll submit, but I'm not sure if that is all going to happen or not.

I put a content warning of S because this chapter has some kissing. Hi All, I've been slowly revising my previous chapters, so if something in this one seems inconsistent with a previous one, it may be because I either changed or am planning to change something about one of the earlier chapters. Granted, it also might be because I've been writing late at night. Like the previous chapters, this is a first draft, so it might be a little messy. I'm open to any kind of feedback. Thanks! Sara Previously Ch. 1: P, a person who had secret adventure in faerie land as a teen, gets sucked back in to faerie while trying to save some teens they witness being captured by faeries. They free one teen, C, but still end up in faerie where they meet up with an old friend / crush, A the faerie knight. Ch. 2 P, A, and C go see the queen to tell her about the kidnappings. She says she can't spare any knights other than A until after the ball. Ch. 3 P and C get some new clothes, and then the mount flying feathered unicorns with A to go look for the missing teens. They find a cell phone and evidence the teens may have been flown away from that location. Last time Ch. 4 P, A, and C have to get back to the castle before dark. In the dining hall, they ask questions and one of the nights is acting strange. Then they go to their rooms--C to the human barracks and P to A's chambers were there is only one bed. This time Ch. 5 Faking dating is negotiated. Someone is followed.

You have a fantastic opening line! "Still, most humans did not seem to understand that there was basically only one way to beautiful, but a thousand ways to be ugly, old, and crotchety. It was simply more interesting. " Some interesting characterization here He set his box in the cart and went to fetch another" Hmm so not sure how I feel about this yet. The character certainly is interesting, though when a thing happened, the were passive. Understandably passive, though, so maybe it’s okay. The opening line was enough of a hook, that combine with an interesting character, I’ll keep reading even though the mc hasn’t done a whole lot of significance yet. "He set off towards his home, firmness in his step ." This does leave me curious about what comes next. Overall, there was more tension in the second scene than the first, and I liked that the mc got his? their? full payment. But I don’t quite feel like I know what direction the story is going yet. The opening line was a good hook, but the chapter didn’t come back to the concept that pulled me and as a whole didn’t seem to have a strong enough hook, in my opinion.

@SilkI'd also like a spot for tomorrow if there is room please

I like the characters and the dynamic between them, but this chapter lagged a bit. I wasn't caring too much for all the detailed descriptions of the town in and the inn without much happening. I felt like the mc was a little careless leaving the valuable thing in her clothes when she sent them to get laundered, and didn't get why she used / ate the thing that was supposed to be very powerful, just to fly somewhere she could've walked and take notes. I also didn't understand her reaction to the ostrich being captured. That confused me. So overall, I think the strength of this piece is the characters and their banter, but the downside was not much happened until the very end.

I enjoyed these chapters a lot. I liked the pacing and the emotions and didn't really have many suggestions. As I read: "The longer it takes to get to Rayson the better" I like the resistance! "There’s a grating noise and the metal box starts to move" I love the descriptions of things we take for granted but this mc has never seen. "...around the pupil, opens the door" You already said the door was open. "I have the urge to punch[CSA1] him again." I would want to punch him too “You’re dismissed, enjoy your stay here Miss " Well holy crap that was intense. Overall I think that was a pretty good chapter. "I don’t think I am, my family is everything." That's a comma splice. "Not perfect like we though in the cities, but normal good.” Think? Thought? "Triported he proposed Then "Missing period I loved the thinking of chocolate as a fruit "I’ll be fine as long as I’m careful. “Let’s go.” Good note to end the chapter on!

Thank you both for catching this! I'll try to do a read through focused on being more consistent with this. Yeah, that wasn't quite what I was going for. I think I meant to write them as nervous about being alone with A because they were attracted to xir (granted, I sometimes struggle to write that kind of attraction) Will definitely work on clarifying. No, that was probably me messing up. Understandable. Let me know if you want to read the latest version of any earlier chapters. Thank you all for the feedback!

I don't think I got that email, though I would love it if you have a minute to resend it. Thank you for all the comments! They gave me a good sense of what I did fix and what still needs work. :-)

I didn't make any as-I-read type notes when I read the first chapter, but was overall pretty engaged with it. You've created two fascinating characters and set up for the plot just enough--I am guessing they are going to competition thing they found the invite coins for? I have a lot of questions about how this duo ended up together, but I'm willing to read on to find out more of their history. My first reaction in Ch. 2 was that I didn't want to switch POVs. I'd settled into the first one and was looking forward to more of those characters. "called something called orgasmic, meaning that they’re kinda sorta living creatures" this made me laugh I loved seeing the ostrich described from the POV of someone who didn't know what it was. "Bess almost said that the capital was only twenty miles down the road—hardly a pilgrimage—but she wanted to get on with this" If they aren't that far from where they're from, why is there such a difference in knowledge between the guards and the witch? Why does the guard not know what ID is? Something about that is confusing me. But otherwise, I didn't really have much to critique. This piece has a strong voice and some good humor. Looking forward to reading more.

After chapter 3, I feel like the main character's reactions were not what I was expecting. I did expect her to get angry, but then it just fizzled. She got made for a moment and then just seemed pliant and content to go along with everything with little other thoughts or reaction. So far she has been one of the few characters that isn't meek and compliant, so seeing her so easily go along with everything didn't quite sit right with me. In Ch. 4, the compliance and plain acceptance continues. I was a little happy to see her try to escape, but she also went along with the stranger really easily and didn't stop to think it might be a trick, which it was. It seemed almost too obvious to me that it was going to be a trick. I kind of wanted more emotion and reaction throughout this chapter since up to this point, the character has been very full of emotion. I feel like there was less of it in these chapters than the others. The lacking reactions wouldn't bother me so much if that was how the character always was. This chapter just didn't quite seem consistent, character-wise, with the rest of the book. I'm curious to see where this is going though and am looking forward to reading more.

Thank you for the feedback, @Mandamon @Minifyre @ginger_reckoning and @FlowerGirl!

So, Ari and Aeryn were very similar names, and for a few reasons, I didn't think Ari was working as a name for my main character, so I changed their name to Perry. This chapter is a little bare bones at the moment, but I'm sending it anyway, because before I flesh it out, I want to make sure the action and logic makes sense. I have a feeling something is logically off about it, but I can't pinpoint what. Can you? And when I do flesh it out more, are there particular things you'd like to see me focus on? I'm open to any and all feedback you have. Thank you! Edit on 10/24 I just realized I've been forgetting summarize previous chapters for anyone who may be coming in without reading all the previous chapters. So here is a quick recap: Ch. 1: Perry, a person who had secret adventure in faerie land as a teen, gets sucked back in to faerie while trying to save some teens they witness being captured by faeries. They free one teen, Cailee, but still end up in faerie where they meet up with an old friend / crush, Aeryn the faerie knight. Ch. 2 Perry, Aeryn, and Cailee go see the queen to tell her about the kidnappings. She says she can't spare any knights other than Aeryn until after the ball. Last time Ch. 3 Perry and Cailee get some new clothes, and then the mount flying feathered unicorns with Aeryn to go look for the missing teens. They find a cell phone.

I would also like to submit Monday.

Hi All, Here is a little more of my faerie WIP. This is a first draft (I'm more or less submitting as I write), so it's bound to need a lot of work. I did read through it a few times, but like usual, can't quite pin down what's wrong with it, aside from the fact that it's a first draft. I'm open to whatever suggestions you have. Thanks! P.S. In the past, I've just written rambling messy first drafts and waited until I was done to get feedback and revise, but lately I find I'm not revising or really struggling to revise, so I'm trying to revise chapters as I write them even though it goes against popular writing advice. I'm finding it easier to acually revise this way so far.

I do have something ready and would like a spot for tomorrow if there is room, please.

I think I'm going to try and have something ready, though it might be a mess

Thoughts as I read Ch. 2 Does the whole town always show up to trials or is it just this one? She mentions only remembering three trials for triported people, but how are more people not reported more often? It seems like people would be constantly getting reported, especially teens. She gets away very easily. I'm wondering if the pace moves a little too fast on the first four pages. I feel like everything is happening very quick to the point where it is almost taking away from the tension. "It takes a while, but the fortress finally comes into sight" The pacing is still going too quickly. I want to be with them as they sneak through the city. I want to see close calls as they almost get caught. There is a lot of possibility for tension that is missed in this section. I want to feel like they made it and then have that turned upside down when they realize the gifted is waiting for them there. And as the rest of chapter two wraps up, I'm still having the feeling that everything is just moving a tiny bit too fast. Ch. 3 "...not exactly a great track record.” There is a quotation mark missing somewhere in this paragraph. The pacing in Ch. 3 is better than two, but it feels like it ends really abruptly. There was a lot that was set up for but the arc doesn't seem like it's closed for the chapter. It just randomly ends. Overall, these two chapters were full of action and very engaging, but they could've been even better if you slowed down a little, built the tension more, and gave the readers and main character more time to react.

Thank you all for the feedback!!

Congrats on your first sub! It seems like no one is allowed to take any negative actions towards others, say anything negative about anyone, or even think negative thoughts. It seems like an impossible world to live in. I understand why the main character has gotten reported so much though i am not sure what the consequences of it will be. What happens when the mc goes to trial? Can they go to jail ? Will the family be fined? I feel like if I knew more of what going to trail meant, the stakes would be clearer and the end of the chapter would land better. I understand that some people have powers and some don't. Those powers might be telepathy, but beyond that, i don't much else about what makes the gifted gifted. I think it would be worth slipping in a few more details. I liked that the mc was flawed and angry and selfish in a world that didn't allow people to be those things. She seemed to have the strongest personality. The friend and sister both did seem to have distinct personalities. Though the sister confused me a little though near the end. Why would she be surprised that she had to leave home if she was going to get married. Wouldn't someone assume that they and their spouse would go live out on their own? The parents and brother seemed kind of cookie cutter. I'm wondering if you could develop them a little more? Make them more unique in some way? I feel like the trial is going to have some big impact on the mc's life, and you haven't hinted at any kind of rebellion or resistance, but since this seems like a dystopian world, my brain is just automatically assuming one exists and that your mc is going to end up part of it and they are going to change the world. Because how can this world not change? I can't imagine a society that doesn't allow you to not like other people, that doesn't allow any little of blip of negativity or dislike, any society that tried to exert that much control on the population lasting very long. It is a world begging to be turned upside down. Overall, this was easy to read and intriguing. I'm curious to see what happens next.

Hi All, Here is my next chapter, or well, part of a chapter, from the work in progress tentatively titled Return to Elsewhere. Hopefully I come up with a better title once I've written more. Something feels off with this section and I'm struggling to move past it because of it. I'm hoping the feedback will get me unstuck so I can move forward. Thank you! Sara

Could I please have a spot for tomorrow?

I've been toying with the idea of making A a high school teacher and having the stolen kids be their students. If A knew anything about them, they'd be easier to flesh out, and that might raise the stakes a little. I can definitely trim that down a bit. It is such a hard balance, and I agree I don't quite have the right balance in this draft. I will definitely try to clarify this in the book, but time is pretty inconsistent between the two. So yes, 16 years passed on earth and 300 in Faerie. That is correct. A was 17 when they went to Faerie, and technically, they were older when they left, but they didn't age while they were there. So they were in faeries for years in faerie time but only months on earth time. So legally on earth they're currently 33, but I suppose they're actually older than that if you count their faerie years. (I am probably overcomplicating this lol) Thank you both for he feedback, @Mandamon and @Minifyre

I had a similar reaction to @Silk and @Mandamon. The school part was engaging for a little bit, but then it went on too long. There were some mentions of the ghost during it, but not quite as much fear as there could have been given how powerful the ghost is. I honestly wasn't expecting the ghost to be quite that powerful based on the mc's reactions and thoughts about it, so it threw me a bit when it broke her mom's legs. I'm assuming the ghost has some reason for not injuring the mc so badly. I'm sort of under the impression that only the mc knows about the supernatural, but I'm not 100% sure, especially since some clergy were mentioned. I didn't know if those people knew about the real version of the supernatural or not. And there were parts of the story where I wasn't sure if the parents knew and other parts where I was sure they didn't know. Not having a firm enough grasp on the relationship between the supernatural and the mundane sort of pulled me from the world. The other thing that broke my immersion a bit was believing that kids could actually get away with the tagging / that it would be allowed at the school in the present day. And the POV switch was actually bit of an immersion breaker too. Though what worked about that was I was wondering if the vigilante was actually some how involved with ghosts. Otherwise, it felt like an improvement from the previous draft.

That is probably accurate to the story, given a whole chapter on my outline is "There is only one bed! Oh no!" There is a b plot of "We need to find the missing teens" but I think the romance might be the main thing. Nothing? They've been wanting to go back to faerie...but maybe they should have some tie? For more tension? hmmm so I may need to make it clearer that Ar and 1 teen got separated from the rest. And the non-romance plot is finding those kids. Thank you for the feedback! Glad to hear this! And thank you for pointing out the confusing bits.

Sorry I forgot to start the thread yesterday when I sent the email! Hi All, Attached is the first chapter of an unplanned novel I started on a whim last week. I got very into the story and think it's going to be my NaNoWriMo project. It's adult portal fantasy but kind of inspired by / reacting to some YA tropes. I've read a lot of YA stories about teens going to faerie and having all sorts of adventures...but what happens to them when they grow up? Anyway, I don't have any questions this time. Whatever feedback you come up with is welcome. Thanks! Sara Content Warning: Language for a few swears Violence for faeries stealing people