shatteredsmooth

Thank you @Mandamon! Your questions are extremely helpful! They'll help me focus on the gaps in logic world-building -- the kinds of things I wouldn't notice on my own, even after letting these rest for a couple months. Same goes for the missing a's on the first page. I read that page a few times last night before I sent it. This is why I need good readers. Thank you so much!!

Hi All, My first submission is the opening to a novel I wrote this past NaNoWriMo, tentatively titled Oomph Unleashed. I've revised the first five or six chapters a few times, but the further into the ms I read, the messier it is. So here are chapters 1 and 2. I'm open to any feedback, but do have some specific questions. Feel free to answer or ignore them as you please. How well do I introduce the world? Where is there too much detail or not enough? What do you think of the pacing? Do you see a connection between what happens in the begining of chapter 1 and the end of chapter 2? Does the voice work? Are there any obvious, obnoxious sentence level issues? Content Warnings: Language (some swears), violence, drugs Thank you!! P.S. please let me know if I messed up any of the guidelines.

Disclaimer: I know almost nothing about this project and am jumping into the middle cold. To answer the first question: So does seem sheltered and 17, though not entirely innocent; they seem to have had a rough few years. The pacing in the interlude, which I am guessing is the past, seemed perfect. I was engaged and fully immersed, and felt like I blinked and it was over, which seemed perfect for a between chapters flashback. "I stayed on the ground and raked my hands over my arms. It relieved that horrible, incessant itching that came when people looked at me, or talked to me, or assumed, insisted, that I was a girl, or in this case, a boy." This line almost sounds like something I would write in a journal. The emotion in and around it dug its claws in me -- a sign of fantastic writing. Also, I'm guessing Sa* in the first part is This post has been reported for attempting to skirt the rules**er in the later section? The set up makes me think that but Sa seems a lot older than So in the chapter, though the age gaps seems much smaller in the interlude. As for the chapter itself, I thought it started a little slow. There was a lot of detail about waking up and getting dressed. I spend too much time doing this in my books, and my cp's and betas complain about it, so I'm not sure if that is coloring my judgement of it. Either way, I think by chapter 11, the reader would or should be familiar enough with So's gender that they won't need such a detailed explanation of the binder and the logic behind it? I think that is something that should be established by now, unless the points of view alternate. Pacing aside, the logic behind wearing the bind felt very relatable and reflected reasons why I sometimes wear one. However, that combined with the discussion of the narrator's opinions towards their breasts did hold me up getting into the story because I was comparing both to my own experiences, how I share the characters logic about binders but not about breasts, and wasn't paying attention to where the story was going. It was kind of like shouting DON'T FORGET THIS CHARACTER IS ENBY so it overpowered the scene. The pacing picked up to a more comfortable pace once So ran into Sa. There were some world specific terms I didn't get, probably because I havent read the other chapters, but otherwise, I liked the tension. The pacing is a little too quick in the factory scene -- I wanted to linger there in that mix of fear and confusion a moment longer, to squirm with the character, until the sounds got louder and M screamed. The last four lines were perfect, and left me wanting to read the next chapter ASAP. I'm hoping that is what you are posting tomorrow? One or two other comments: "I always come back to help for tii" What is "tii" ? A typo or a world specific term I don't know? "Unsure where to go, I scanned hanging signs as I walked, paying" This is one of those pesky phrases that distance the reader with telling. You can probably just describe what they are seeing and not say that they scanned things. "Puget" Like the sound? Is this related to the real world, or is the story completely secondary world? I'm sure I would know this if I read from the begining. Let me know if you have any questions.

I agree -- the voice did pop, and gave me the impression this guy was snarky, a little bitter, and keen on seeing the negative parts of the world, like the bird rust.

I haven't read the other comments yet, but here are my thoughts. Generally, I when I'm a in a group, I make my comments before reading what other's said so it doesn't color my opinion of the piece. After, I go back and read the others. You are definitely good at using multiple senses in description. Through most of this, the setting was alive in in my head. I could see it, smell it, and feel it. However, for something that ends with outwitting attackers, it opened with a lot of walking and thinking. I got a little lost in the description sprinkled with thoughts and didn’t engage until the protagonist started looked in the butcher bin then went in the shop. The mention of canine bones made me squirm a little. I hate stories where dogs die, and kept telling myself that they didn’t eat dogs, that it just got old or hit by a cart. There was one line about how the narrator’s magic wasn’t like story magic. That pulled me out of the story a little because I didn’t know or care what story magic was in this world and only cared what actual magic was. It almost seemed like a fourth wall break reminding the reader they were elsewhere. I love how you ended the scene. It is suspenseful and makes me want to find out what happens and learn more about the world’s magic system. I’m looking forward to reading more.

I was hitting the plus sign and/or high lighting then waiting for the thing to pop up. Just clicking on the word quote made it work. Thanks!

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I liked book 2's cover best, but it has plants instead of people, and often, I'd rather hand out with plants than people. Plants don't care if I am awkward. Of course, if someone is at a con, they probably are more of a people person than me, and will probably love a cover with two people on it more than with one people on it. Yes, I just wrote "one people."

So I kept trying to reply to post with quoted pieces like other people are doing, but I keep getting a spam error code. :-/

Hi. In the non-internet world, people call me Sara. I prefer they/them to she/her, but most people who know me in-person don't realize that. I write and publish speculative fiction. I've had moderate success with short story publishing, working my way up from non-paying markets to the semi-pro world. I've had a few pro paying sales, but not to officially recognized SWFA markets. If you google my full name, Sara Codair, you will find my website and too many short stories that were published places that didn't pay me, and also a good number of short fiction publications I did get money from. The most successful one is a story called Melanoma Americana, which is published in Alternative Truths anthology. My user name, ShatteredSmooth, comes from an obsession I once had with sea glass, but it may also be an accurate metaphor for my mental health, or occasional lack thereof. I often claim to be awkward and lack social skills, but I'm a writing teacher and tutor at a community college, and unless they are lying to try and get higher grades, my students really seem to like me. And the students who tell me I'm a good teacher are usually getting A's anyway, although, my best writers tend to think they are the worst writers, so maybe they don't realize they are getting A's. My short fiction tends to dark and adult, while my novels, still a little on the dark side, are generally YA. NineStar Press is publishing the fist one (Power Surge, YA urban fantasy) and have already published a novelette set in the same world. I try to write two novels a year -- one in the summer and one in NaNoWriMo. When it comes to critiquing, I am flexible. If you want sentence level feedback, I can talk editing for way longer than I want to. It may not be apparent in my writing, but I am great at teaching and explaining grammar. If you want big picture, character, plot, or world-building comments, I enjoy discussing those way more than grammar. I'm looking forward to reading your work and getting feedback on mine.

Hi All, I'm new to group, and plan to submit something next week, Monday 28th. Sorry if I'm posting here a little early.