shatteredsmooth

Content Waring: Suicide Attempt It's in this section, unlike the one I put the warning in last time. Hi All, Back with what I planned to send last week. I did a little more proof reading, but not as much as I planned to, so just ignore the grammar if you can. Based on the feedback on the last installment, I suspect I'll be ripping this apart anyway. I asked for LBL's last time because I was little overconfident in the story's content. There is no point in wasting time LBLing something that might need a major overhaul. I'm still figuring out how to tackle the revision, but I think I need feedback on more than just the first 1/4 before I start tearing it all apart. Plus, at the moment, I'm way too immersed in writing the sequel to Power Surge. So, what am I looking for? Pleases tell me where things don't make sense (character or plot), where you don't believe the characters, where things from the bigger world the story is set in creep in even though they aren't relevant to this story and whatever else you think of. And if B turns into too much of a problematic jerk to like in the pet store scene. Thanks!

I deserve that.

And of course I never sent it. I was going to proof read one more time so there were less weird typos and never had a chance. I'll send it by 10/29 instead.

Ok, I might have had an explanation accounting for this part in my notes that wasn't on the page -- more related to something in a different story involving the same character, but it involves pixies, which are already causing enough problems in this story. Anyway, thank you again for coming back to explain. I appreciate it. :-)

@mrwizard70Thank you!

I've got a few different ideas of how to revise this floating around in my head. I'm going to do some minor edits on the next part then send it for Monday. One of the problems I have with submitting things in pieces is that once I get feedback on one section, I want to go and revise the whole thing before I show people more, but I think its better if I wait until I have feedback on more of the piece before I dive in. So, I'm going to see what comments I get on the next few sections before I decide which direction to take the revision in. Thank you!!

I plan to send something on Monday 10/22

I need to either add a strand to set up this and the pixies or not use them at all. I'm still pondering which is best. I think it depends on how tied I want it to be to the novels (which are about E) and how much I want to distance them from that or connect to it, I think. Not too harsh. I kept getting the sense there were some big issues with this, other than my editor vaguely saying it needed a lot of editing and rightly not liking how originally, I had M in past tense and B in present (because I wanted it to seem like B's story was through the lens of M being in their head, which in hindsight, really didn't make much sense). I used the wrong word. This is the type of thing that my neighbor, who is used to be a Civil Engineer before switching careers and becoming a high school math teacher, would tease me about for weeks if it happened in conversation. It would've been something Me: "those thingies that hold up bridges. pylons?" Neighbor: You mean piers? Me: yeah, those things. Neighbor: Your a writer, and an English teacher. Me. I make up stories, and my classes have nothing to do with bridge construction. Neighbor: Laughs. <insert comment about me being to literal> I always mess things up when I have characters like this. He's a minor character in the novel, and he does more building weird things and making programs that track supernatural creatures. It might be better if I leave hacking out of his skill set since its not his main thing, its more engineering, weird psychics, and some programming). I need to look back at my notes and what he actually does in the books. But I am curious if you have time to answer. What specifically about the DMV was a problem? I don't want to repeat this mistake elsewhere. I explained this wrong. He fell for a scam. Yay! :-) This makes sense, and I have an idea of how to fix it. Hmm There are contrary opinions about this. I think parts of the story need restructuring, but I think I agree with you on this one, though as @kais suggested, I think I might make the snowy scene with the dog drama the first introduction to B. Agreed. As you and other pointed out, I do need to work on the grammar around the pronouns.

Sorry. That is one thing I don't think about one I type because I'm thinking too much about the story, not if my finger accidentally hit the ' when it shouldn't, and it is on the list of errors I can't always focus enough to "see" unless I am reading with big font and only a couple sentences on the page at a time...or I make the computer highlight them. I'll do a search in the doc for apostrophes and double check before I send out the next piece of this. I got this general impression from other people's comments too. I think maybe part of the problem was / is that I'm working on this and the series of novels set in this world, which are from E's POV. M plays a big role in those books, but she is not the mc. Anyway, I think places / people M would talk to are popping up because in my head, that's where M would go and who would be there, but in the context of this story, it just adds a layer of confusion Good catch. I'll have to work on this when I go back through the whole draft. @Robinski got confused by those too. I'll cut them out when I revise the whole thing. They are part of the universe this is set in, but they aren't necessary in this particular story. When I wrote them in there, it was because in the general universe of this is set in, Mel uses pixies to spy on people. But when I look at this as an individual story, it doesn't really make sense to use them how I do. They either need to be a big part of it from begining (adjusted to fit the tone) or not there at all. I'll probably just eliminate them unless I come up with a way to use or portray them in a way that is more relevant to this story. I have some ideas about how to improve this. I have to disagree with you on this. Twenty minutes in is when I really get angry and start flinging the snow all over the place and my spouse gets really really annoyed, turns the snowblower off and tries to convince me to stop throwing snow around and go clean off the cars. Maybe I should note that the snow isn't necessarily going where it is supposed to. I'm not very big or strong, but I get a lot of snow every winter. B's shoveling scene is basically based off me shoveling during march blizzard that dumped two and a half or three feet of snow this year. Anyway, I'm off to take my dog to the vet to get his stitches out. I've got some great ideas about how to revise. :-)

Thank you @Mandamon @Robinski @mrwizard70 and @kais for your comments! They're all very helpful. I haven't read all the comments yet because I will forever obsess about this first submission before I even finish rereading the rest of the draft if I do. But my skimming revealed two people more or less positive with some suggestions and two completely thrown confirming my fear that it would make no sense to someone not familiar with the world it's in. Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know that I'm not ignoring your comments. I'm just refraining from responding to specific ones right now. P.S. I did read out loud, but that doesn't help me as much as most people. It's a long story. One I typed out in this response twice and deleted.

So this feels like a completely different book than the last submission. That is good in the sense that it sets these characters apart from one another. However, if I was reading this as one chapter, the switch would feel jarring. When I read multi pov books, I find it easier if each character has their own chapter. I was much more engaged in the narrative and felt the balance between external and internal was much better. However, I really struggled to picture some of the characters, particularly in Msection. I didn't really comment on the R one while reading. I like the back and forth between her and V, but I would have liked to stay with R just a little longer to get a better sense of who she is and what she thought the outcome of the interrogation was. "System Beast...bit like a giant arachnid..." With this description, I had a clear picture of the beast general shape, but I was unsure about the material. Was it metal? Wood? Flesh? Trying to figure this out distracted me from the scene. "furry snout" so G isn't human, but I can't picture what he actually is. "Gompt's friend group" something about this phrase seemed out of place in the setting I was picturing. "Festuour" The name for G's species means nothing to me in terms of helping me picture him, but maybe to someone who has read other books in this world, it would make more sense. I was left very confused about K, partially because I don't know what a System Beast really is. Is K some type of robot or AI that was a person? Does the person's spirit or something exist in the machine? Or is it just programmed to sound like them? When they say cycle, is that sort of like a year? In the first section I was thinking a month or a few months. In this, I'm thinking its more like a year. And the people in this society that M is trying to start up can do what S can do, only its not weird or scary to them like it is to S? The reveal abut G's transition was well handled, but it also threw me out of the story, because I still have no clue what a Festuour looks like aside from the furry snout. I'm picturing a wookie with a long nose, and trying to picture the difference between a male and female wookie is taking me back to that horrible Star Wars Christmas special that aired once and was buried but still lurks on youtube. That is not what you want me picturing while I read your story. The last thing that I'm unclear about is who M is on the council. Is he a member? Does anyone suspect him of his society? And this society is different than the one that the guy being interrogated belonged to, right? OR am I confused about that? Anyway, I can see how M and S's stories are going to connect. A little unsure about R's but I can wait and see where that goes. The last line of the M section was a good hook. Now, as you read my comments, keep in mind that I am not familiar with this world. Some of my questions, the like ones about the System Beasts and the Festuour might not be issues people who read the rest of the stories have. However, if you want it to be a standalone new readers could pick up, them take them more seriously.

Content Warning: Language, Suicide Attempt Hi All, This is the first quarter of a 19,000 word contemporary fantasy novella I plan to submit over the next four weeks. Some background: Life Minus Me is a novella is set in the same world as my recently published novel, Power Surge. It takes place a few months before Power Surge. My editor at NineStar looked at it and said it needed a lot of editing, but if I change the tense, do another pass of edits myself, and send it back to her in Nov., she'd be happy to work with me on it. I don't have a contract, so I'm approaching this as an R & R. When I went through edits with her for Power Surge, that involved some content revision and line edits. I'm thinking the content of this story might need a little work too. So what I'm looking for? LBL's are greatly appreciated along with any other suggestions that don't involve scrapping the whole concept. Feedback on dialogue, character, blocking and/or description is always helpful. To what extent does it feel like a standalone? To what extent does it feel like part of a series? Should I keep or toss the prologue? I have a love-hate relationship with prologues in general. Thanks! Sara P.S. I know I am 100 words over the limit. 5,000 brought me to the middle of a chapter, which got me to trim down quite a bit. I got the submission from 5600 to 5100. So close, but I'm tired, and if I keep chopping, I might ax important words by mistake.

I think I'm going to send something on Monday Oct. 15.

It's been a rough week, so I'm sorry if I come across a bit snarky or grumpy. 1. How are the characters? This kind of piece relies entirely on the characters being extremely strong from the outset. Specifically our protag Ala, but the side characters are of nearly equal importance. Do you need more from them to become invested? How much more? The characters were a little fuzzy to me, and yes, I need more. I did not understand their motives very well, especially since the why they had to leave came from the mouth of a different character. Ala seemed wishy washy from the begining. If he was hiding, why did he all of a sudden want to come out of hiding for something as bad as war, which, his first reaction to it, first flash or memory, is a negative, anxiety ridden one. I know very little of the other characters, had a hard time picturing the woman. Just new Ale was big, and when they were talking, I had a hard time following who was saying what. I had to reread the scene a few times to figure it out. The horse had lots of personality. I like animals with personality. 2. Does it lack plot/agency/stakes? This is supposed to be the inciting incident, and I've basically introduced the major points of the narrative at this point. Do you feel invested? I want the reader to be invested primarily in the characters. Hoping to avoid "save the innocents and protect the downtrodden" as a defining motive. Regarding plot, this works as an inciting incident as it is getting them out of the place they've been and onto a journey. I have absolutely no clue what the stakes are aside from the fact that after X amount of years of tolerating outsiders, the village elder just decided he doesn't want them anymore. I'm not invested, but that is more because of the characters than the plot. 3. Anything else you feel like saying! I'm confused. I got lost in the opening dialogue though I did eventually more or less figure things out through rereading. Here are some notes I made as I went. Opening line: Why not "the village elder's hands" instead of "the hands of the village elder" "back to war...but" So up until this line, I was thinking he didn't want to go back to war at all, since he was hiding. Now he seems open to it all of a sudden. "You've never been out of the village" I wasn't sure who was saying this to who. "But her got between" "should be "but she got between" "Alexander, face..." "You are from...." wasn't sure who was saying the above things "Tyio, I pretty sure..." still not sure who is saying this -- Ala or Ale B continued... After reading on, it sounds like all three of these people have been in the village for a while, Ale his whole life, Ala almost two years, not sure about T. So why now does B want them gone? Simply because he has an excuse? I got more engaged in the later scene with the horse and starting on the road, but those seemed really rushed. If you slow down, there is a lot of potential there to show Ala's character and introduce his history more.

Throughout reading this whole thing, I've been impressed by how good of a first draft this is. The writing is clean and there aren't huge gaping logic gaps, but I think of all I've read of this story, this one was the one I liked the least. I think at it's core, the plot and action were there, but in general, it just felt rushed and I kept getting the impression I was missing something. It's hard to pinpoint exactly what that is. Maybe the final battle needs to be drawn out a little more? I was having a hard time picturing it and it almost seemed to easy to kill P, though I did like how in the end, it was a spoon that did him in...except was that spoon long enough to go far enough through his eye to kill him? I'm pretty bad about the biological side of killing characters, so take my question with a grain of salt. I liked the line about C saying there was always time to go back for the gold, but the story with the kings spook lady felt like a loose end not tied up. The last scene with J and C at 's family's house was cute, but more like a snippet or tease than full chapter or epilogue. Overall, just try to slow it down a little more? Here are a couple typos: "..talked purposely towards me" should this be stalked"? ...another jaunt, as you... was that supposed to be are you?

Do you have a tentative release date yet?

I think I've read one or two things in this world. Maybe I read the last chapter of the book when I first joined? And I think you had posted one other piece of something in this world because the magic system around the melodies sounds familiar. Anyway, I love the magic system and the way it was explained, so that if someone is coming into this without having read the first book (like me) or if it has been along time since they read it, right away, there is a sense of how that works. The main character, S, was one I could relate to (anxious and sleep deprived). The arc building up for S to leave the house also works for me. However, I think you could restructure the scene so it opens with a knock on the door, or at least so the knock comes on the first page not too long after the weird noise.They could hear the weird noise together and ask each other about it then. Because before E gets there, S isn't trying to leave the house. He is just staring out the window thinking about things and that takes too many pages. Some of what he thinks about can be worked into the scene with the other character talking E. Maybe make it a little harder for E to get S out of the house, and then when S finally does, whatever back story you have covered can come out when they leave? One reason I suggest this is because I kept forgetting where S was. I had to go back and remind myself he was looking out a window and not walking around a street. Plus, as much as I like to write pages of internal stuff like this reminding the reader what happened before and why a certain character is in their current situation, as a reader, I don't really like it. I do think the sentences could be tightened up. I didn't mark every single place as I read because I was focused on the story, but I noted a few: "Extensive libraries in the..." the sentence this was part of felt like it had too many prepositional phrases in it, too many "in the" and "at the." It could be something else. I just got a little overwhelmed by it. "could see buildings vibrating" You don't need the see. Just write "buildings vibrated" "...him, to drive away..." I don't think you need this comma "by the noise now it was gone" should be "now that it was gone" "washed out the colors, and leant" you don't need the comma because clause after the and can't stand on it's own. "He was sure of that, after..." No comma "A knock came at the door to...." I got confused in this sentence but I can't pinpoint why "Eyes roaming all over" Once someone in an in-person critique group said when they read phrases like this, they literally pictured disembodied eyes roaming all over someone and I have never been able to read these phrases the same again although sometimes they still slip into my writing. Plus, it is more efficient to just dive into describing her. This is close third so you don't need to remind the reader that S is seeing E. "felt his brows draw down" Felt is unnecessary. His brows drew down works fine. "My other best" slip into first person "was increasing" increased I'm looking forward to reading more!

Oh, yeah, they probably didn't. I was reading on my kindle because my eyes can only handle so much actual screen time. Yes, the kindle is a screen, but it doesn't light up.

I'm sorry this is so late. The past two weeks have been nuts. Between the semester getting under way, gas explosions in Lawrence, MA (where I teach), about 4 or 5 inches of rain in one day, approving final edits for Power Surge, my dog getting sick because of a parasite, and then reading through the ARC and finding out the proof reader missed a lot, it took me a while get to this. I've actually had comments in my kindle for a few days, but I just didn't get a chance to type them up until now. As I read Pg. 110 "We were five..." In this section, I felt distanced from J during the fight because he paid so much attention to what the others were doing. This is tricky with a fight. As a reader, I do want a sense of what the others are doing, but in this case, I felt you went to far in that direction. It was very objective and calm when describing them and not tiger ragey enough. Pg. 111 " ...scare their children fireside legends." Something felt off about this sentence but I don't know what it was. Pg 115 "...at what cost?" This moment was one I though should feel more something, even if J is a little sh*t. But it was very distant and objective aside from one little line about a stomach churning, which was hardly emotion. Pg117 "up the bank and thrust" Did she just cut the horses leg off while it was alive and injured? Because that seems unnecessarily cruel. Or did I just miss her slitting its throat? I rushed my read of the scene because I'm a wimp when it comes to hurt animals. Overall: The bones of the scene are fine. I liked that C sort of magically leapt out of the burning building. The blocking of the fight was easy to follow. The turn of who was on whose side seemed to work though I do recall being a little confused at one point about which soldiers went with who. I think that was when the bluecoats and the adepts were fighting, but I figured it out. My confusion might have just been because my brain was drained. My big problem was how J seemed to objective. And some of his description of the tiger rage seemed a little tell-y. Other parts were fine. Maybe it was inconsistent? I'd be in his head and all rooting for tiger-raging-J but then I'd be an objective observer that is somehow also participating. You haven't quite hit the right balance yet, but that is something you can work on as you revise later.

I was taking a break from writing this morning and doing some wood work -- attempting to clean up / preserve the saw mill boards my spouse and I pulled off of our house when doing to exterior renovations this summer because I want to make a table with them -- and I kept thinking that the main character in @kais' WIP would tell me I was doing everything wrong.

I'll have a short story draft "done" today, but I already know it completely lacks description and the only emotion shown on the page is rage, so there is no point in me posting until I put some meat on the bones. I think Oomph has been pushed aside in favor of writing a sequel to Power Surge (getting published next month!!!!!) becuase that is just where my heart is right now. I'm still going to stick around to read and submit occasional short stories and maybe a novella if my editor turns it down. But unless I change my mind again, you might not see any Oomph submissions until December or January.

I'm a little late to the party here. I had edits to make and a deadline to meet, but I finally got to read this. Honestly, I don't have a lot to say. It's a short excerpt that moved along pretty quickly and ended with a hook that made me want to read on, unsure if Chari died, got injured, or conjured the flame on purpose to cover her escape. I think it's the later. Otherwise, I believed the decisions he made, and that he would have a little more control over the tiger now that he knows what to expect. However, I was surprised at how much control he had. Part of me thinks he might have struggled more with it. The end scene with Chari was interesting, along with his reaction to it. As she told him she didn't care, she spent time convincing him to leave, and waited to the last minute to user her power to get away from him, proving she isn't as cold as he had convinced himself, and that whether it is romantic or platonic, she does care about him a little. She could have broke away from right away, jumped out the window and left him to die. She could've killed him. And this scene does show he isn't completely in control of the marrow because he is being irrational. OK, maybe I had more to say than I thought, but I did really enjoy the section. Here are a couple notes I made as I read. "No point in not" I read this wrong at first and after I got a couple paragraphs past, I had to go back and reread. It makes sense and is probably okay to leave, but someone reading too quickly might get tripped up by the intentional double negative. "Corpse Witch" works better I think, than black witch. It keeps race out of it and seems more relevant because she is pretty good at making corpses. "...who unlike him..." something felt off there ..."away from hari..." I think you are missing a letter.

Some combination of naivety and laziness? i.e. In the world of the story, I want to show humans are over their obsession with skin color so I'm going to try and only talk about skin if it isn't human colored skin and then forget I'm doing it and undermine it... In hindsight, there are way better ways to handle this than just avoiding skin color and making sure no one has their natural hair color. Thanks for calling me out on it. Because she informed on the rebells to SE and has continued to be their informant on Oomph related things, and its a long story that is too much in my head and not enough on the page. No but based off of the description I gave that makes way more sense than what I was picturing. You raise some very good points and gave me a lot to think about! Thank you!

Yes, Fizzy is she. I get what you are saying about too many new characters too soon. I definitely need to think on who goes where but that will be easier to do later, I think.

L is a completely new character, so if he does seem a little bland to some people, it might just be because I don't know him well enough yet. I'll definitely move Fizzy, I'm thinking making it the chapter right after R gets injured, though I will probably wait until I've written the rest of her chapters and gone through the whole draft to finalize where they go. L will force me to really develop the SE and create a concrete antagonist for Di that has just enough resistance in him to turn against SE and joint the rebels near the end of the book. I have an arc in mind for him. Thanks for reading! The comments are encouraging. I keep wanting to switch to a different project, but I know if I don't finish turning my NaNoWriMo mess into a readable draft, it will haunt me for a long time, especially since I am already making plans for this November. I just need to keep moving forward instead of continuously going back to the begining. :-)