shatteredsmooth

I thought she came across old, tired, and frail...and her reaction seemed like grieving an peer or mentee...interesting how different two perspectives can be of the same character. I didn't see her in a whole lot of control of people either, but I think I read that as she was too tired to be, to worn out, and kind of trying to motivate herself to do something. That, or I was thinking the scene was just moving too fast and not delving into her POV deeply enough. I felt this way too. I second this comment. Kais has a point. I think at least one decent sized chapter just from S's POV would help me engage and get to know her better. I think letting her enjoy getting the hair done a little more, even lingering in that moment, could be a way to further establish her as an older woman, I picture my mom and grandmother, who aren't/weren't the type of really put much effort into appearances, enjoy letting people just do what they want with her hair (people being the kids I hung out with growing up).

Overall: I can't remember if I read the last part or not, but I am interested. Not fully hooked, but if this were something I picked up on the shelf, I'd be willing to give it more time. You set up for a clear arc from S's point of view, though I'm not sure about D's yet. S seems a little more developed so far. You asked about characters and pacing. I noticed a pattern in some of your chapters. Very distant, neutral emotionless description of some scene of destruction, followed by an emotional reaction that builds gradually. This made it hard to engage with the characters because at first, I thought them very distant, emotionless, I thought it was intentional, but then as you worked their reaction in, I realized I was wrong about them, so I had to readjust the lens I was reading it through, then, just as I was starting to get a sense of the character, it switched. I think it would work better if the reaction and description were woven together more. The transitions were jarring, and even though I can how you were trying to build suspense with D, the way him passing out and his dream were divided did not work for me. I was very very confused and I didn't like it. S I'm picturing at least middle aged or older, sad, and tired. I'm rooting for her. I liked her by the middle of her second scene. I know very little about D. He told readers he likes competition. He seems determined. But I didn't learn enough about who he is to understand why he is doing what he is doing. Here are some notes I made as I read: "...brushed a stray gray..." Here was the first sign she wasn't as numb and detached as I thought. "shy shivered." Here was where I was starting to have to readjust, which pulled me out. I think more of these little cues need to be present in the first few sentences of describing the scene. "step step step" This transition was jarring, but an easy fix might be starting with "D... stumbled, falling..." and if you are attached to the part before it, incorporate it after somehow. "blacked out" I didn't learn enough about him here to really care about his plight through the desert or his fight. I would have rather stayed with S longer. I think S's narrative could've just continued straight through. [Council building] Why the brackets? I noticed these a few places for council building and maybe magic users too. Was it a placeholder you didn't mean to leave in? Or does it have some other significance? "...it had been that long..." I don't know what time it was when she went in and don't know what time the meeting was at so this doesn't really mean much to me. Lots of names in the meeting. "...Would they?..." Up until here, the description of the destroyed city felt very very distant and emotionless, but here, there was finally a reaction, which made me readjust what I thought of whoever was narrating. These questions showed curiosity, but I still couldn't tell how much the narrator cared about the destroyed city. "...down here, he could see so much more..." back to neutral and distant. I also want to not that through this whole section, I kept thinking this was a new narrator or not. I guess I had forgot D's name already, or just never got invested enough in him to commit to memory, and the voice seemed different. "Filled with horror" too telly, but after this, I got engaged. After this, you had me feeling his fear. Except for the stepping back and slipping. That is a cliche move, but one I shouldn't complain about because I use it too much. "moving wordlessly." This seemed odd for the narrator to use about himself. It is more something I picture one character thinking about another. "...lying on cracked sand..." I was very annoyed at this reveal that it had been a dream. I was confused through most of the dream because I hadn't thought the city would've been that damaged with S going to a meeting, but kept on reading, and then I got here and felt cheated. "He was also dizzy...emotionally traumatized..." too much telling "Sand beasts leg" I thought that thing had he upper hand in the fight. I thought when he blacked out, he was going to wake up rescued, not alone with the monster gone. I'm wondering why the monster didn't finish him off if he passed out, even if it was injured. "...long crawl" He seems very calm about this. Is this characters someone who often finds himself in painful, deadly situations?

I have a short story to send Monday if that is okay.

I put my comments for this in with part 2

I just read the two of them back to back, so I'm just going to post all my comments here. Overall: I love the team and the scenario you've created for the heist. Each character has a distinct personality, especially J. However, I struggled to keep track of all the layers of the plan and didn't understand why everyone was always talking about the plan. It almost felt like I put a puzzle together quickly and lost a third of the pieces in the process. Individual scenes seemed to work for me, but they felt rushed, so the whole thing felt like a blur in the end and I didn't understand how and why it all worked. I tend to like rapid changes between points of view, but these felt too quick even for me. Maybe you were trying too hard to cut this down to two installments, when what you really needed to do was add more. Perhaps it is meant to be a novella, not a short story. As I read: Part I: I got a little tripped up in the begining. It started with a bit of an info dump, which I shouldn't complain about since my last piece started with one. The narrative really starts with "This particular evening..." or a little later even. At first, I didn't have a major problem with the info dump, but then I kept thinking it was information that could have been incorporated other ways and I was still left with questions about the world. "Imperial Destroyer-class" I thought this was a Star Wars reference the first time I read it, but I know it wasn't. Just seeing the words "Imperial" and "Destroyer" side by side brought my head there. "...it these kind of situations" in "himself, blackmail" comma could be a semi colon "He put in back..." In should be it. Also, after the conversation with A, did G end up taking the book? I wasn't clear on this in the scene, and also didn't quite get what the purpose of him taking that one was. Either I missed something, in which was this books use wasn't clear enough, or it is a gun that was never fired. I've noticed a few times, you accidentally put "in" instead of "it" "A... finished his rapid reread of the..." Here is where I was starting to think the POV switches were happening too fast for me. I'd just be starting to get a sense of what was happening in one scene but before that piece fully came together, you were on to something else and I was frustrated. "Quiet dialogue and chatter" maybe use one of the words but not both? "So it seems that it wasn't..." The italics / internal thought don't really seem necessary here "Director's full plan" In the end of part 2, the Director made it sound like this was Julius' plan. "hidden only to himself" I'm not sure what this means "...can sell it because it's no longer..." Did you mean Can't? Why did J name the thief at the end of the first section Part 2: "better than from someone..." missing word? "Then I shall take my leave and see if I can as well." I had to read this line several times to figure out what J meant by the second part. I also was a little confused by the purpose of the conversation. It might be intentional, but I get very very annoyed at how J talks so much in one line, especially with lines like the "But why would I cone out here to.... Lord E shares 's trait of talking too much. "Don't worry, I've planned for...presently." Does he really need to say so much of this out loud? "Physical presence is a..." Something doesn't ring true to me about how closely everyone in this story adheres to rules and is therefore about to use that adherence to rules for their own benefit. Does nobody ever actually lie or cheat or break rules, aside from being undercover? "You...set...me...up." I'm lost now. I don't understand the set up. I'm not sure what the point of the set up is and why Jules really had to do all this elaborate talking through out it. Ythe's action in the tunnel threw me out of the story. I'd seen the name mentioned a few times with the word synergist, but throughout, I never really understood what a synergist was, so when he was using his powers to get them out of the out of the tunnel, it didn't feel earned. It was too easy. It needs a better set up. "...stunt was overkill..." throughout the story, everyone kept acting like it was the Directors plan, but in this scene, I got the impression it was more J's plan. Another big picture note: In both this and Raise the Stakes, I got impressions that I should know more about the world than I do. I felt lost in the sense that I knew J and company were spies in some kind of Empire, and that there was some kind of magic system, but beyond that, I know little of what that Empire is, how it is organized, and how the magic systems work. I feel like these are later pieces in a series, and I'm expected to know all that, but I don't recall you saying that is what these are. The plot is self contained enough for a stand alone if you slow down a little, but the world building feels like it is the middle of a series and I should know a lot more than I do. I love the concept, and the unique cast. I just can't follow J's plans and plots and verbal swordplay.

So, immediately after this scene, it switches to a revised version of the shoveling / dog drama scene from B's POV. The way the rewrite went, M and E do have a family drama arc that's a prequel to what happens between the two of them in the books, but B also has what I think is a more clearly defined arc. I tried to give M's POV and B's POV equal page time. I was almost going to include the next section with this, but I hadn't spent much (or any) time editing it, and didn't want it to end up being about the grammar of close third they/them/their. Yeah. It's a big thing in the books. I'm worried putting too much into this will bog it down, but at the same time, I don't want a lack of explanation to pull new readers out of the story. I'm not surprised. The books are all from E's POV, so... This is how E feels about M for sure. So in someways, its consistent with the book from E's POV, but I can see how it makes M less sympathetic. It's give me a lot to think about. Thank you! :-)

That wasn't mentioned in the other version, but it is in the novel (E and M have a grandmother who is an elf). The elf grandmother has very pointy ears. To people with the Sight, E and M have slightly pointy ears. Important distinction to make in this story! E is M's maternal cousin. E is M's mother's twin brother's child. That is fascinating -- thank you so much for offering to share! If it's something sitting around in an easy to find file, I'd love to know. But if not, don't bother. I'm not 100% sure how that would fit in with the existing magic system and am probably not going to get that technical on the page. I already know M's limits even if I don't have a number or calculation to go along with them. I'm not sure how effectively I'd even be able to use it anyway because I have not been exercising my math skills enough in the past decade. Thank you for all the feedback. I'll be reading Heist this weekend.

That is a really really cool idea, but won't work within the world M belongs to. I think I just need to ax anything remotely related to it's a wonderful life or take M out completely. And in that case, the jumping off the bridge would be the inciting incident. Maybe without doing something like a "no backsies" approach, in order for M to actually "succeed" Baily should never even go to the bridge at all... Thank you for the input.

OK, that helps. Thanks!

So, I haven't gotten this far yet in the revision, but I was thinking of maybe having Mel get to the bridge after Baily goes off of it and then pulling Baily out of the car. Or Baily drives to drive the car off of the bridge, but just crashes into the rail, gets out, jumps, and then Mel goes in after them. I'm not picturing it as a very big bridge. In the end, Baily lives and gets help, but it comes at a greater cost to Mel. Does that sound like a really bad idea? Or something that might work?

I can see where you are coming from on this, but in Power Surge, my editor talked me into the capital thing, and since it is like that in Power Surge, that is how I was writing it here... The first time around there was more B on the page than M, but M was in my head more. So far, I've got this M section followed by about 10 pages of grammatical disaster 3rd person they/them from B's POV, another ten or so from M, and then that shifts back to B. Instead of quick switches, I am trying to spend more time on each character. The hope is that people will read this and then decide they want to read novel, and that people who liked the novel will also read this and remember I exist. If I ever finish revising and send it back, NSP is going to label it as part of the Evanstar Chronicles or in the "world of the Evanstars" or something like that. This would be one of those 0.5 books on Goodreads. I want it to be a companion to the novel but I feel like not enough people have read the novel for it to deserve a companion...I'm not sure if I am making any sense. *Pleads guilty to the info dump. I don't know why, but I love these things. I like writing them, and I don't mind reading them when they're kept to a couple pages, but I'm not revising for me. I'm revising for readers. @kais What do you mean by this? My brain isn't quite grasping it. Thank you both for the feedback. :-)

Content Warning: Language, mention of suicide Hi All, I'm finally getting back into my usual revision habits, which generally start by writing new openings. I got some pretty mixed reactions to the original opening, though feedback became more unified with future submissions, especially about how the whole "It's a Wonderful Life" thing was overdone and not really working, so a lot of that is going away. As I revise, I'm trying to spend more time with each character before switching POVs, so this whole part of from M's. At one point, someone pointed out B's lack of agency. I'm working on that, but I think this is really M's story more than B's. Any and all feedback is welcome, but I would like to know if you got a clear sense of Mel's motives, and if the rules of the world seem like they are a little clearer. Thanks! Sara P.S. I did keep the pixies; they are too big a part of the Evanstar multiverse to keep out, but they're mentioned on the first page, so hopefully that works better.

I agree with what @kais said but have something to add: ask yourself if you can think of another way to convey that information. Can you spoon it out in smaller doses, scattered throughout different scenes? Can it come up in dialogue without feeling forced? How important is that information? Will the reader understand later scenes without it? There are instances where you do need a scene like that, where the readers just directly need some info so they can get on with the story without getting lost, but often, there are more subtle ways to work in the info in. As a writer, it can be hard to make that distinction and one of the reasons why critique groups and beta readers are essential.

Maybe...I have a completely new opening for the novella I've been sending, which seems to be taking on a new life as I get more intro revising and rewriting. It takes the story in a slightly different direction than my original opening, but in general that is what my revisions seem to be doing. Whether I send it or not is partially dependent on if I have time to go back and read it out loud one more time. I don't want everyone distracted with my errors, but I also don't want to take time away from moving forward with more revision.

Thanks for these and the other links!

Don't feel bad. You're probably right. I wasn't sure if this worked or not as B's end, and I'm not as attached to it now as I was a few months ago. I'm completely open to changing it, even rewriting or scrapping this alternate world thing, especially since it also seemed to fall flat and be too close to the film for @Mandamon and @industrialistDragon. If I get three readers who agree it doesn't work or falls flat, then there is definitely something that needs changing...or a complete overhaul. The reaction I got from everyone isn't how I want readers to feel at the end. This weekend I did a lot of work on the other two sections based on those comments: cutting some areas, expanding others, reorganizing, distancing it from the film, and trying to do a better job grounding it in the rules of larger world it is set in and more clearly establishing the ones that are relevant to this story. Attempting to focus it more. Hopefully as I continue, I can make a better ending.

Umm Don't be an English major (says the person with an MA in medieval and renaissance lit). Ok, on a more serious note, write every day, read every thing you can, don't censor yourself when writing first drafts, ever, and never let people see that uncensored writing. It's okay if second and third drafts are horrible. Let people read those though, because you need their feedback to make those drafts better. Don't get too attached to anything you write because a lot of stuff is going to need to get axed, but don't actually ever delete anything -- just move it to a different file, a parking lot or grave yard or island of misfit toys words. Sometimes you need to run with an idea to get it out of your system knowing and then later let go of it so you can make it into something worth reading. Don't take short cuts or rush the process, because it never ends well. Write what you care about, what you are passionate about. Draft selfishly and revise for your readers.

I just read through the thread for this. I'm open to critiquing any genre because in face to face groups and courses, I did learn a lot from critiquing across genre. Sometimes I got annoying when people complimented my characters and told me it would be better if I got rid of speculative elements and just wrote contemporary, but that's more what happens when you're the only fantasy writer in the room -- not something I'm worried about here.

So this is really late. I was completely obsessed with my NaNoWriMo (which I finished last weekend....) but I finally read and commented on this. I haven't read the other comments yet. With the other draft, I disagreed with a lot of the comments, so this time I figured I'd type mine in word before reading anyone else's. Overall, I really enjoyed reading this. I think the way it was split into present, past, and present worked, or it would work if you made the front section just a little clearer. I liked the overall execution of it and the way it build suspense, but I did find myself having a hard time keeping track of who was who. OK, the only one I really had a good handle on through out was the guy in the dealer garb. I followed the one he was doing the rhyme thing with but close to the end, I lost track of that guy in the dialogue. I could not grasp the companion, and the other woman in the scene also seemed fuzzy. The middle section did a good job introducing the characters, their personalities and relationships to each other. They really came to life there, which got me engaged with the story. There names for who or what they worked for, but I didn’t really know what that meant in the context of this world, however, that didn’t really stop me. I was willing to wait for more. The only world-building thing that really bugged me was I couldn’t quite grasp a point of reference for how the period in the book’s world might compare to one in this world or how modern the world was. I don’t need to link up exactly to reality time, or at all, but the fact that I couldn’t fully get a sense of how “modern” or “old fashioned” the setting was did take me out of the story a little. I loved the game at the end. It moved quick enough to keep me in suspense, but I didn’t get confused about it either. However, riddle part in the beginning completely lost me. As I read: p. 1 “wearing a tacky pseudo dealer look…” I cannot picture this look at all “is really” I think you were in past tense, so should it be “was really” ? p. 5 “But you’ve already lost…” I’m also lost. I don’t understand how / why he lost the riddle game. P. 8 “…tell you if she was if she was.” Repeated phrase. I also got a little confused in this conversation. P. 11 “Our target is…” I think you are missing a comma or two here. “…hang-on, Juicy enough, I…” is there a reason for the capital J? I don’t like “juicy” in that sentence, but I’m being picky. I not a big fan of the word in general when it’s used for anything that isn’t food, though plenty of other people have no issue with it. P. 12 “No! Why does that work?” I’m totally lost with this riddle game, the answers, the rules, the winning and the losing… P. 13 “Your opening was well played.” She already said it was masterful. This is a but redundant. I also have no clue how or why it was well played. P. 14 “…are out ‘weaker’ half…” out should be our. What makes witch born not fully human? P. 15 “…placed in on…” extra word P. 17 “Pair 6, pair 5, one 3.” I’m guessing there is a reason for the way some numbers are spelt but not others. This line might not be the best example, but I kept thinking all the lower numbers should be spelled out. P. 18 “…five games where…” I liked seeing the games through C’s eyes. It was a good way to explain it to readers without it feeling like an info dump because it felt more like she was just trying to follow / make sense of it for herself, not just for the reader’s benefit. P. 20 ‘“Let me think for a moment.” Cl… saw J… concentrating….” Having C right after the dialogue made think she was talking, but the context made me think it was J. P. 24 “who know how” knows

Interesting. The last section is all M, wrapping up her story line, but it kind of feels like it's actually a different story, so I was wondering whether or not to bother. Between this and similar sentiments echoed on other chapters, I might really work on distancing this from that now that I got the "retelling" idea out of my system. Maybe it was a crutch I needed for a first draft, but in revision, I'll try to do something better. :-) Thanks for the comments and the quick turn around!

This is the third part of Life Minus Me. This isn't quite the end, but it's close to it. This section is just B. There was a short M chapter between the two B chapters, but I just cut it, thinking it wasn't worth reading as short as it was. You have all given me a lot to think about with the last two installments and I will be happy with whatever feedback you think of for this one. Thank you!

OK I'll work on that. Past. I had written parts of the first draft in present, so I must have missed some places when I decided on past. Yes and no. There were reasons Jules left, but I'll change this part. B had plenty of other flaws with less potential to offend readers. You both are right about this. I think distancing it from the movie more will help in other ways too.

I've been very very focused on finishing a first draft of a different WIP and haven't logged on here in over week...I meant to send the next installment of Life Minus me last week and forgot. I'll send it today unless anyone objects.

and @aeromancer The VR stuff can probably go bye bye. Your questions helped a lot. I think you're right about the set up not being there. The more distance I get and the more comments I see, the more I get the sense that there is either too much going on with B or too much that I just kind of gloss over. Thanks! :-) Initially, it was a placeholder, but it stuck. Technically, 'Gannon' is an actual surname...but in my head it probably has one less n. Partially related side note: My spouse and I adopted a dog shortly after playing Breath of the Wild. I thought Calamity Ganon was a perfect puppy name. My spouse disagreed. We named the dog Tavi, because Furies of Calderon was the first book my spouse and I ever read together. Stunt training, no. Ability to bend light and create illusions, yes. I'll make sure I address this in the revisions. Not exactly. I think that came out wrong in M's POV. I'll think more on this. M was mostly raised human and has a much grayer sense of morality than an actual angel would. I'm way way over simplifying, but in the larger world this is set in, Angels appear to be mostly just watching humans making sure people-eating demons and demons who feed off of human emotion don't invade and turn Earth into one giant factory farm. There is more to them than that, sure, but morality is a human construction, and they predate humanity. However, the way "morality" is talked about in general might be the bigger problem. Thank you all for your comments. As always, they are invaluable.

Thanks for the rec! Yeah -- you probably don't really want to relate to B's thoughts. I don't want you to relate to them because I've had thoughts like that and don't wish them on anyone. That's the tricky part about a character with mental illness -- it can really skew a person's thoughts and it affects everyone different. And my own mental illness unfortunately has weird affects on my writing, some of which I am starting to see in this story. I need to go back and look at it / what the other stories Mel is in. Great info! I think M can get enough info about B just from social media, but this is definitely useful for me to keep in mind for future works Mi is in and shelved things I may revise. Also gives me a starting point info I do more research on this topic. Thank you! More good info! Thank you!