shatteredsmooth

I have something very similar to this in the notes I made this morning. The magic could just be really subtly hinted at earlier. Maybe when B comes into it in the first section. I didn't understand anything about the glass blowing, but the lack of previous magic wasn't the main reason. More about that to come. Over all, I think the plot is progressing nicely, but with a few hiccups. You've got a nice but of humor, but a few things pulled me too much out of the story. The characters are very fun, so I think you are mostly achieving your goal. As I read: Page 1: "You could have just sent a ticket you know" This is O talking, right? "been to, to meet" Grumping about the two tos together even if technically it is correct. "How long have you known...think this will work." I got a bit confused. Why does he think M knows exactly where he lives? The people who may or may not work for her showed up at the market, not his house.…maybe I am being to literal. Page 2 "Xie had had the control for too long"] But before this O was implying M had the control. "leaned over the side of the bed, and vomited" Because of all the description and internal thought, this felt longer than thirty seconds, and while the nausea is clear at the end, I didn’t get a sense of any discomfort during the vision itself. "pushcart fruit vendor whose booth space O shared when the market ran, and debated." Confusing wording. Page 3: "because my illusions are slight..." Initial reaction: What illusions? I forget if this had been mentioned earlier or not. Maybe it was and I missed it. I suppose I should check. After, I did check, and it was mentioned, but very subtly and with no elaboration. I think going back to that scene and working in some of what B does could actually allow you to introduce the magic system and/or hint at it when they think about their past as errand boys. “Promise me.” promise what? Page 4: Tense shifts once or twice in first paragraph. Page 5: "O lobbed first one, then two handfuls at the things, smacking two directly in the face" While I think this whole poop throwing thing is hilarious, it makes no sense to me. Why are they lobbing it if the driver finally got the dragons under control. I’m confused. This is just going to get the dragons going again and cause more chaos. I don't believe mr lion fern is that stupid. If you want to keep the dung flinging, maybe make it so the dragons don't stop? Page 6 More confusion "the unmuddied dragons lunged at their compatriot’s faces, smelling only the pig and opportunity" So dragons eat poop? A pig and pig poop smell different. I mean, my dog will eat rabbit droppings but he acts very differently when he smells a rabbit than when he smells its droppings. Dogs are obviously smarter than these dragons, but I feel like some piece of information is missing. Maybe I just don't know something about reptiles that I probably should know. "...the other almost gleefully chasing behind" Yup – it's making things worse. Page 8 But I need your help. I’m going to get us separated but to do it, we need to crash a coronation.” Interesting, but it makes me wonder why in the next chapter, they are still thinking M is a princess. Page 9 "out the window before he’d feel compelled to speak." I’m surprised he has been quiet this long. Page 15 “In if you are" Something missing here? "I promise you won’t be disappointed" What about cashing the note? Getting a change of clothing? Page 16 “You want to use the ceremonial flame as a glory hole?”This does get attention as a opening line… "there was no bank on the boat to cash in O’s note" Ok addresses one of the questions I had earlier. Will they be able to cash this across the water in the other kingdom? I guess I don't actually need to know this answer to this yet. "A sleeve. A parchment [SC1] sleeve, if we’re being particular" I’m a little lost. Why need the flame and glass material if it needs to be parchment? OR is this not parchment as in paper but something else? Page 18 "Highly portable, hardy, a good source of vitamin C if you’re in a bind, and… Why are you staring at me?” I love how he keeps slipping into pitching things. Page 20 “I’ve got an idea,” xie said, groaning. “But it’s really sticky and I don’t think either of you are going to like it.” Nice ending I didn't point out too many of the things I like, I realize. I need to get better at that. However, I am enjoying this and think you've got some great personalities in the piece.

Good idea! Thank you!

Market cliche. Anything sales related cliche.

It makes sense to include them for that reason. Fiction or real life, I just grump about this stuff. I need to get out of my bubble and be more open minded to people's culture. LOL It would be an endless debate that might never reach a resolution. Language will settle on something sooner or later. But it does it make it hard for us writers trying to help that process along.

After reading Seeds this weekend and @Mandamon's sub yesterday, when I ever I saw your O character's name, my brain kept replacing it with the other O character. If I had read this first, it probably would've been the other way around. This isn't actually an issue that warrants any change. Just an observation. I have some general comments here. I'm also going to email you LBL's. I the story it once on my kindle and was having a hard time pin pointing what was bugging me, so I started reading again on the computer...deleting things with track changes on since you said you are pushing the word limit. I like deleting things. My deletions are mere suggestions. Please don't be offended by them and feel free to ignore them if you disagree or find them too prescriptive. Overall, I think this is off to a good start. The characters are interesting, there is an established through line, and the end definitely left me wanting to read the next part. I love how much detail you put into the dandelions , though on my first read, I thought that section in the market felt repetitive. And while there was a lot that seemed excess, I also didn't quite feel like I had a strong enough grasp on the world. I think the first section needs the most trimmed and the end needs the least trimming. You asked about pronouns. The first time I read the opening scene, I thought there were three people in the room: O, M, and an unamed person with a neo pronoun. In the LBL's I'm emailing you, I made suggestions for how to fix it. From the middle of page two and on, the pronouns worked fine for me. Personally, I like they/them better, but have no problem with the one's you chose. Neo pronouns do make it easier when editing for clarity. A couple as I read notes from the first scene: "who could eat any food they wanted to because they still had enamel on their teeth" For some reason this made me think contemporary fantasy, though in hindsight, it doesn't really imply that. However, in this section, the only thing that hinted at a secondary world was the name of a kingdom and mention of city guards. At this point, the world could go in many different directions. That's okay for now, though if you do cut some of the things I suggest on the first couple pages, maybe drop a couple more hints. Page 3 ...whispered loudly. “Endless.” This paragraph I see its purpose but it screams cliche "I don’t drink, you see, because these amazing plants take my full attention. Come" This doesn't really make sense to me. "and a cloudier version of the blood dripped from the ends." This caught me off guard. I am having trouble getting my mind around bleeding dandelions. I keep going to picking dandelions and the stuff coming out the stem looking like milk. Page 4 "HPLC " what is this? Page 5 “Pass. At that price by weight it’d be cheaper to import plastics from Earth.” So far, most the description has been on the product, and the man with the barrel's face. This earth reference is the most concrete world building bit I've had. I get there is some technology because O making latex from dandelions and there is the purity sheet, but otherwise, a lot of it undefined still. I was okay with that in the opening scene, but by now I want a better grasp. With all the focus on dandelions and little details like people’s skin, I’m only getting fragments of the world, and I didn’t notice them all on my first read through. I can’t picture this market at all. I’m only seeing O’s product and this barrel dudes face. "Fantasies" seemed like an odd word to describe the visits. Page 6: "the women waved her off" This should be xir, right? "Xie reached out a hand to the woman’s pants, and the woman sidestepped with a glare." I'd glare too. "Orin had made no sales today and the crowds stubbornly remained slow and thin." I sympathize with this from my days selling jewelry at craft fairs. From here on out, I was more engaged, maybe because I finally had a way to connect with O. Page 7 ". It made really really good rubber..." This makes me wonder if he had a way to sell this other than the market. I’m having a hard time grasping the significance of this because I still don’t know much about the world. "...people bartering for a fat piglet. " This and the manure did give me a farmers market feel, but that could be present in a number of different worlds. "a mutation the original planetary colonists hadn’t had" Much needed detail about the world, grounding it a little more in the future? You haven't described anyone's clothing yet, other than M's night gown. I want to know what people wear in this world. I know they were pants and sequins get stuck to them, but so far, I don't recall much detail about what kind of pants. Page 8 “I hate you.” The dialogue with B is good. I was reading without stopping and getting a better sense of O as a character. "Knew he paid in notes and not credit, even for big orders." Good world building detail! It's coming together more, but I am still missing too much for this point in the story...unless you are trying to just make the reader fill in the gaps. Page 11 “Oh. F......" Great dialogue. World building is filling in more quickly now and doing so organically. "The brick lane" I would've like to have known this at the begining of the market scene since I wasn't trying to figure out what street and space between stalls was like for most of the scene. I was picturing all dust and mud. Page 12 "...Left for women, right for men. Forehead for everyone else..." Well done confirmation of gender identity and culture surrounding it... though part of me is annoyed that each gender has a different greeting, even if it does acknowledge a non-binary one. The last three pages read smooth and I was too engaged both times to make comments. The end definitely left me wanting to read on. I think I'll have better overall feedback to offer once I've read the whole piece.

I was thinking about this more while I was driving to and from class. I don't think it seemed contrived for a specific political message. It did seem to hint at something political, but more exploring an issue than straight out saying one thing or the other. I think that, on top of me not fully believing the decision sort of led me to a false conclusion. OK, so I guess I'm not too far off then for age. Now that I'm back from teaching, here are the rest of my comments: "but portals were common...house opened one" I read this sentence a couple times. Didn't pin point any grammar errors, but something seemed off. "...Greens given to a turtle..." Wouldn't the greens just be gone if a turtle got them? I'd picture kind of bug leaving holes in greens. "O tugged the sleeves" This is one of the places where I felt like I didn't understand him being there. If it is set up a little better, this could be a great "oh <word for poop that starts with s> moment. Though maybe its too soon for that. hmmm "If only the council had listened..." At this point I was starting to side with the council. "applied for help. None came..." It wasn't clear to me in the begining that the Pixies had asked for help. I thought O had just seen something about the war and thought it was the maji / counsel's job to provide unsolicited aid. Knowing they asked makes a big difference. If this were clearer earlier, I would be more understanding of O's decision. "..winced as she was cut down...interested in help" I think he needs more reaction here. I did like the details about how he constructed his shield, loved the description of the dome, especially the part where he said the newspaper misrepresented it. "pull from the ground" Gravity? I cringed when he led pursuers to the gate and came inside running for his life while saying he was there to help. From here out, I was fascinated by all the world building. The pixie characters were fantastic! The dialogue between O and the pixie was just the right amount of awkward. "The Council is refusing to send anyone..." I think this was O talking but I had to reread to be sure. "Yet still barged in..." I love this character. Almost getting some Yoda-ish vibes. ""...propagate." she said." either change the first period to a comma or just get rid of the tag. "They were hunched..." So if the pixie just called this new one a he, then why is O using they here? I am looking forward to see where this goes! It was off to a slow start but got much better near the end! Coming back to your question about whether or not it would get me into the series -- yes if I read through to the end. And if you clarify and spice up the begining a little more, then I think it would hook me. I just went back and re read that part. I had completely forgotten about the feathery mustache, but the description in Seeds is very clear.

I don't think it really came across. He seemed more naive than arrogant, and for some reason, the naivety was making it hard for me to believe he could be arrogant enough to think he should get involved. He really seemed young-- apprentice age young. -Is it enjoyable? One it gets going, mostly. -Is the magic system and worldbuilding clear? Very, though it is still fresh in my mind from Seeds 1, and I think it was better in Seeds 1. -Are the characters engaging? O is hard to pin down in this. His actions are arrogance but everything else shows young naivety and he almost seems sweet, but his decisions annoy me which makes his sweetness annoy me. I'm not sure I'm making sense. -Does the story make sense? Well, I'm not buying O's decisions -- they don't seem to make sense to me and almost seemed contrived to be allegorical to modern politic issues about getting involved in wars. However, the council and the pixies themselves made sense. <crossed out 10 p.m.> -Would this make you want to read more of this series? Opening with the council scene did set up for this story, but it didn't exactly get my attention, either. If I had downloaded to see if I wanted to read the series, I don't know if I would've gotten past that part or not. I've read a couple snippets from the Dis universe on here, and I don't remember liking any scenes with the council that were in the begining of a scene. From a technical standpoint, I see why you started here, but I got bored and struggled to pay attention. Here are some notes I made going through that scene. Maybe making more of a scene of O barging past the guards might help develop him a little more so I might care more while he argues with the council? "breaking into our meeting..." This line did engage me more than anything before it. "The council. we do attend..." There was something off about this sentence. While I kept having to stop myself from skimming the dialogue, I did engage when O started describing the carvings of the different species. Onto the next scene: The description of the grounds outside the council were clear and had some nice world building. "How unlike the war-torn homeworld..." made me think that he had already been to see the Pixies, but then when he gets there, its clear he hasn't been there. In the portal scene, you did a good job introducing the neo pronoun. I liked how O didn't lie but didn't give a truthful answer to the portal attendant. If you want to show a little more arrogance, make me him seem a little more confident and less uncertain here? "It was a good thing he had decided not to grow a mustache" I am having a hard time picturing this -- it would be a mustache of feathers? I have more comments to type from my kindle, but I have to leave so I am going to post these for now.

To be totally honest, If something is going to jump pov's, I like that established right away. I don't like it when after four chapters of one POV, it switches. Other people in this group might disagree with me on that though.

Yay! This alone makes me feel a lot better about the story and more motivated to keep going with it. Eld was giving E a hard time about something in the original party scene but it probably got buried in the too much irrelevant stuff. You are right about the anthology rule. I thought I had gone and edited all that parental disapproval stuff that out, but this was a straggler. I'm glad you caught it. The only disapproval from the parents should be related killing. I feel the same way about other people's endings and then I go and write really drawn out ones, but I will definitely trim it. Yes! I wasn't planning on cutting it completely. I just had a mental block about how to change it. This may seem kind of backwards, but I needed to hear if what I was trying to set up for could work before I went and redid the set up for it. Based on how you and @kais reacted here, I think I really messed up explaining blocking. J is on the other side of a super thick wall with the door or portcullis sealed, so E can't get to or hear J or the others. And you both are completely right about the reaction too. What I was going for was someone's hurt bad and E can't do anything to help. I'll watch out for this when I go back to that scene. Thanks! This is why I need you guys! I thought the original opening when U was arguing with everything about the security was building towards this. I wasn't seeing how little of it was actually coming through. Thank you both for reading it to the end.

Hi All, Originally my plan for this story had been to send both sections and wait to revise until I have feedback on the piece as a whole. I've been going back and forth for the past few days about whether or not I should still do that. The feedback on the first section that implied the piece might be starting in the wrong place, and focusing on the wrong story, and all week, I've been taking things out and adding things to everything that comes after that without making changes to the begining. I definitely want feedback on the first 8 pages of the attached document as it reveals backstory that will shape how I revise the begining, and the action piece of it is something I can see staying even if I completely rewrite the opening. My questions about this are: How does that backstory work as a reason for the divide between E and U? Is the middle of the story an okay place to reveal this? How confusing was the way it alternated between past and present? The rest of it is included but grayed out. I'm aware of a few major problems it has, but I keep getting stuck trying to fix them. I think it will be easier to do after I've rewritten the begining, so while some input might be helpful, it's not essential. After page 8, I think E reacts more than they act, the story gets two internal in the one section that should be more action driven, and I am certain at least one of the two reveals in the end was poorly set up, though the set up will change anyway when I rewrite the first part. If you do read this part, am I right about the problems it has? Which scenes might be worth keeping in some form? Thanks! Sara Part 1 recap: After losing their status as heir to Sector 17 and joining the Lunar Gaurd, E is back home to manage the security for their sister's coming of age ceremony. Their sister argues with E about security. E blocks an assassination attempt. Wounded villagers warn them an attack is on it's way.

I'll have something Monday too. But I want to know what happens with the captured twin!

The anxiety seemed pretty accurate, but the way Sam described medication made me think "your doctor prescribed you the wrong meds and now you think they're all bad." The mental block from Rilan reminded me of how alcohol effects me and my anxiety...

@Mandamon and @kais I'm a little over 50 pages in. Sam in the Nether is pretty much me every time I go into a grocery store.

I've had the The Seeds of Dissolution, on my kindle for a while along with a number of other unread books from my TBR pile. Maybe it's time I read it.

That would throw me off too...lol

I'll have to clarify this when I revise. Regardless of the reason, E losing their position as heir meant U became the heir. U really doesn't want to be the heir, but she is the only other sibling. However, E doesn't understand that.

I had a hard time following this because it moved so fast, and becuase there was so much going on right away. I think if this slowed down enough so that it felt like narrator (and the reader) could pause and take a breath, it would have the makings of a fantastic story. The most confusing part was the opening in the bar scene -- character after character was introduced and I didn't know who they were and why they were doing what they were doing. Here are some comments I made while reading the section. ..."Farden, who had sauntered..." At this point, I was lost and struggling to keep track of the characters. "...bald man -- his looming abilities..." the whole set up around this guy and the lantern was hilarious. I loved it. "...meat-- more precisely..." How did we end up on the subject of meat? "There poised himself, following a courtly bow..." I was lost as to why this guy went in the cellar and took out this idol. "She stabbed him." Who is she? This stabbing seems to come out of nowhere. "It got into her shoes." I'm not what 'it' is in this sentence. The knife? The man's blood? "The murder had been a bit of an oversight" ok, how is a murder an oversight. I don't get it. The next section was better. It still had a racing thoughts no time to breathe narrative voice, but there were less characters, so that made it easier. E is interesting, though the fast pace made it hard for me to engage with her. More as I read comments: "That went well," she whispered." I wasn't sure what she was referring to. "In his niche...M... nodded." I had thought she was a lone, but then M showed up which had me confused until later I realized he was some kind of ghost -- part of the wall. The initial description of the moving mosaic had me confused. Maybe slow this down a little? "Guardsmen's flair for oral multitasking" Is this supposed to make readers think raunchy things? The next scene had my favorite pieces of writing in it. "Sparkling particles winked blue..." from here until the fourth wall break, the description was gorgeous. The pace had slowed down enough for me breath and pause and enjoy it. "I'm afraid, dear reader..." This fourth wall break caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting it, and it pulled me out of the narrative. After that, we were in first person, which was pretty confusing because I didn't know who this person was in terms of the story, and before this, we had an omniscient and close third narration. This is almost too much. And eventually, it gets back to E, with more nice description about the room and I was following along okay until "...man's shoes with clay" What does that mean? The two M names are too similar. I kept thinking Ma was My from the mosaic. "R... he knows. He wouldn't." I didn't know what this was referring to. After this point, I didn't make any specific line by line comments. I found my self skimming when I got to the last set of characters, a little board because everything had gone so fast I couldn't keep track of it. Reading the summary didn't really help. I think between not really knowing the characters yet and having the super fast pacing, I had a hard time staying interested. However, it does seem like between the murder, the upcomming marriage, and the war, you do have a good set up for the story line.

I loved the opening about the leeches and the MC's initial confusion about where she (I think this is the right pronoun?) was. However, looking at the big picture it didn't exude the same level of emotion that the previous one did, so I wasn't as invested in it. In chapter 1, there was an almost crippling sense of grief and loss and avoidance. Here, when Dr. S did have proof that T was dead, I expected more of a reaction, but she almost seemed numb, too distracted by the impossibility of the place she was in. I think there is potential in this scene for the begining of healing, and I was thinking it was going to revolve around discovering what made this seemingly impossible place possible, but then there is going to be a spaceship, and they're going to attempt to leave, and now I'm wondering if this blip of habitable land is even going to matter at all in the story. Here are few as I read notes: "...headband cost five days. Less if you work faster..." I was a little confused by this. I thought I might be missing some context about the world that I needed to understand it. Is it common to trade labor? No one has even mentioned a specific kind of labor. "Earther." Ponytail's ..." "Guilty" The significance of this wasn't clear. I get that Dr. S is from Earth and that not all the people here lived on Earth or even remember it if they did, but I'm wondering, why is it used as an insult? What does it really mean in this context? Spending too much time thinking about it pulled me out of the story. "We haven't read it. Much." This seemed at odds with the brevity of the letter. "Her apology meant nothing...how did she die...dropped the plastic sheet..." I expected this scene to have a similar level of emotion as the one when Dr. S was kneeling in the dune and stumbling off after the conversation with the sister. But this felt more numb, there were little hints of reaction, but not enough. The gender discussion felt much more natural where you put. That is the kind of thing one would focus on when taking clothes off in front of a bunch of women. And the last line was a great point to leave off. It makes me want to read on, but also makes me wonder how relevant the equator zone will be.

I'm open to digging more into this. In my original draft, gender was barring Enzi from being heir, but I knew that wouldn't fly with the anthology and more importantly, thought hey, this is the future, people should know better. As I took that out, this internal story came. I like this reason much much better. The Nine attack 2 or 3 pages after this section ends, so...okay you have a point. If that is indeed the inciting incident then it shouldn't be at the half way point. I'll mull this over while I work on the next submission and see what others comments I get. I have plenty of time to work on this before the editorial deadline. I just need to decide if this is actually the story I'm going to use by the end of the month. Thank you!

LOL...I've only watched Toy story 1. Maybe there won't be toys...just kids and a ghost versus the invasive weeks and toxic bacteria that looks like an algae monster.

Hi everyone, This is a short story I'm pulling from submissions to revise. It's gotten too many rejections, and one came with feedback that made me realize I failed at fixing a major plot hole my old critique group and beta readers had pointed out. I was asked to write a short for an anthology that involves magic, the cosmos, and characters who are trans or non-binary. The stories need to be between 7,500 and 12,000 words. I started a new story for it, but I'm thinking this one might actually be a better fit, since it has a plot and doesn't spend an entire page describing a tiny chunk of salt marsh. I did one pass at it yesterday and changed a few bits of backstory and hopefully eliminated the decision that caused the plot hole, but I need input from others to make significant changes. In general, what can I do to make it better? Thank you, Sara P.S. I put language and violence as warnings, but I think the swears are made up ones and most of the violence is in part 2.

Kids sneak into boarded up, empty lake house (inspired by the condition mine was in before my spouse and I bought it). They find a secret room filled with 1990s toys that come to life at midnight. Xena and Gabrielle action figures ride damaged My Little Pony into battle against zombie Barbies, but there is a dangerous enemy lurking outside. The kids have to unite the toys and the house's ghost against the cyanobacteria monster rising out the lake with its army of milfoil.

Someday I need to write a story inspired by my house...about whoever decided to use trolly break pads and rail switchers as rebar in part of the foundation and put studs about two to three feet apart with no consistent spacing. How it somehow was still standing 110 years after it's haphazard construction...

Mix. Thank you for calling me out on this. I'm @Lost Owl Needs Tea tea. I was being a jerk. In my face to face life, almost no one would know what I was talking about if I said Mx. and they don't understand the concept of any gender other than man or woman. Then on twitter, I get stuck in filter bubbles that are the exact opposite. Then when I'm in spaces like that are somewhere between the two, I get a little cranky and snarky about this stuff, and I shouldn't. It's not helping anyone. I'm sorry.

Thanks for the feedback. :-) Last weekend I sent a slightly revised (not nearly enough to warrant resubmiting) version of this to my newly returned from six-month hiatus face to face critique group. Mostly I had added in some of the information that seemed missing (a few sentences here and there), but hadn't spent a lot of time changing what was actually on the page, so your comments, particularly those about blocking and description, are extremely helpful. I have not worked on revising that aspect of it yet. My other group said the same thing. They thought I needed to make the whole story about the bust the mc was going to. So after I finish revising this scene, I may add on to it. I doubt it will grow into a book, but I could see it doubling or tripling its current length.