shatteredsmooth

Welcome to Reading Excuses! I like the concept you introduce in this chapter. A character who can wear someone else's face seems interesting, especially when that character seems to be using not only the face but the person's job as a cover. There is lots of opportunity for tension there. However, I was a little confused by the double prologue, and wasn't a fan of how you choose to introduce this concept. I'm not 100% certain, but it seems like this is some kind of post-apocalyptic dystopian fantasy? There are hints that it is the future, like one person calling something Yoga while others didn't know the word, but there is magic and a god-king. The letter definitely had me curious. I liked that. However, when I got to the next part, I was confused about the italics and the distant narration that sometimes zoomed into the girl's point of view. I didn't fully realize it was a flashback until page 11. Throughout the chapter, I was uncertain if it was the same girl, right up until this point when she compared her hair disappearing to the snow globe. Overall, the biggest problem that I had was nothing out of the ordinary happens in the first chapter. It is someone going through a regular morning routine and you use that to convey information about the world. The flashback scene before that was better in the sense that something not quite routine happened, and it had some impact on her. However, that isn't the case here. My suggestion is to trim this as much as possible. Think of what parts of the routine are essential and what bits of information can be saved for later. Something needs to happen in this chapter. Writing a characters morning routine is a great way for the writer to get to know the character, but as a reader, I need something to happen to really make me want to read on. I'm not sure how far along you are in your writing process, but I very rarely actually use the opening chapter I start my first draft with. Anyway, it does seem like an interesting concept, so I'm looking forward to seeing what comes next.

Sorry I'm so late replying to this. The story was interesting. I liked the concept, was engaged most of the time to the point where I wasn't making many comments as I went. I loved the line "It doesn't trust me to think, even though it can't either." I did have a hard time following the dialogue on the end of page 17. I like tagless dialogue, but in this case, I couldn't keep track of who was saying what. The ending was vague. I wanted more, like the answers to @Mandamon's questions. I was wondering this too. I was also wondering if the NEU could technically update him, but was programmed not to. The little dream? snippet of memory? on page 9 hinted that there was something potentially sinister with it's installation. However, there isn't really enough for me to be certain I'm not just inserting some sinister government conspiracy theory into it because that comes to mind whenever I read anything where someone has some kind of chip or AI in their head, especially one that knows so much about everyone's data. I didn't quite realize this until I read this comment, but it makes a whole lot more sense now. I kind of felt the same way. I also kept thinking they had some history before he lost his memory because of the tears, but he had memories from before, and she wasn't part of them. I'm being a bit prescriptive now, but I think the relationship would be interesting if they had known each other previously, even briefly.

Correct. I was not requesting to sub.

I'll have to try and finish that story this summer. I lost track of the plot with that story, and the setting / mc's relationship to the setting was making it almost too personal, so I had to set it aside. I re-read pieces of it a few days ago, mostly to remind myself what I could do and then I went back to Mindless Nine and wrote a few E/U and E/U/Eld scenes that dig more into the characters and world. Thank you for mentioning that and the other works of mine that you did like. :-) I like this one!! This is definitely the direction I'm taking it in. I almost think part of my problem with this is that I set out to write one type of story, and when the story turned into something different, I kept trying to pull it back to my original bad idea when I really should've just let it evolve. @JWerner @Robinski thank you for reading, and I'm sorry about my typos. I'm very behind on submissions, but I will get to yours soon. I'm glad you liked it. Thank for diving in even though you hadn't read the rest.

I'm also going on vacation that week! Enjoy!

This makes sense. I think this is the direction I'm going to take it in. I had this vision of some pulpy robot-fighting romp for this story, but as usual, it started turning into something different, and by trying to pull it back to my original idea, I made a bit of a mess. :-) Thank you! I've never actually written a story this length before. The longest short story I've written was about 7500 words, but most of my shorts tend to either be flash fiction or between 3,000 and 5,000 words. Genre-wise, this was also a little outside my area of expertise. With a few exceptions, my best writing is usually contemporary fantasy. Figuring out what I can do with a length and genre I'm not used to writing in has been a challenge, but I'm learning a lot from it. I appreciate you and everyone else taking the time to help me navigate this. Last night, after reading @kais and @Mandamon's comments, I was up until after midnight writing a dinner conversation between E, U, and Eld about minimum wage, paid vacation, and guard armor that was layered with more personal drama between the siblings, and have plans to expand the ceremony. I think I might be heading in the right direction.

@kais and @Mandamon everything you're saying sounds right. When I read I couldn't' immediately think of what I meant E's arc to be, which is a Big Problem. Maybe I've been focusing on all the wrong things and trying to make this story something it isn't. I think you've been telling me this all along, and I half listened, but then went back to doing what didn't work in previous draft. Thank you.

I wasn't frustrated. I didn't find the tension lacking. I think from S to E to this worked. However, in other sequences, it slowed the tension. Yeah -- if that is what you were going for then you nailed it.

My first reaction when I started reading this was "I wish this was from O or R's POV" because I was put off by Re's attitude towards the new species. However, as I read on, I saw why you chose Re. No one else would've offered that level of focus on the portal. Speaking of portals...had his skill with portals been discussed before? This seemed a little out of the blue to me, but I may just be forgetting something from a previous chapter, or from Seeds. The chapter went by quickly, but my level of engagement wasn't as high here was it had been in other sections. I didn't stop and think much about whether or not I could really follow the fight. It was blur of symphony changes and people trying to stop an assassin. The combat element made me crave R's POV since she is the martial arts expert. For RE, the fight was background to the portal stuff, so to me, the fight was also background. If that is what you are going for, then Re's POV is working. If you want more emphasis on the fight, then O or R might be better. I did like the timing of this chapter. The reader knows P is Ari... but not of the characters present in the scene know, except for maybe the one trying to kill him. I'm looking forward to see where this goes next. Because everything was going so fast, I didn't really make any LBL or "as I read" notes. However, I did notice one lower case letter that should've been capital. The line was "...there are more here." he spread his arms to the two ends...." I think h in he should be capitalized there. I'm looking forward to the next chapter

Content Warnings: language, violence, some gore Hi All, I'm not going to ask about buy-in because I know that will only be fixed with changes in earlier scenes. I do have a few other questions. Where do you have trouble following dialogue and/or action? What needs more description? I've had trouble showing my characters' reactions in the past. What do you think of E's reactions in this part of the story? I feel like something is missing from the end, but I'm not sure what it is. Do you have any suggestions? Of course, feel free to comment on anything else. I'm sorry for my atrocious grammar. I'm trying to pay more attention to the sentences, but the past few weeks, I've been having a harder time with that than usual. I think I need to read more, but life and deadlines haven't allowed me to read much. Thanks! Sara P.S. I still want to change the title of this piece, but am coming up with 0 ideas. If you find yourself struggling with a title, what do you usually do?

Thanks!

Fair enough. Thank for the feedback on what you did read. It will definitely help me clear things up. I've been working on the opening again, because honestly, if there is no buy in by the end of the first few pages, there isn't going to be any later in the story. It is supposed to be restrained third. I'll keep an eye out for the places where it slips. Thank you for all your comments! They are very helpful. :-)

I plan to send the last segment of Mindless Nine on Monday. :-)

That's okay. You made some good points and between reading them and not looking at the story, I think I figured out how to improve it. I'm probably going to revise to show that E did actually want to be heir and eventually ruler. It was like that in a earlier version that you all didn't see. I don't remember why I changed it. They are. I just failed to show the reaction. I meant it to be harsh and very literal, which makes guards, both human and robotic, more important. I need to refine the gravity related pieces of world building. They're not actually on Earth's moon, but that disappeared somewhere while I was revising, and I'm not sure it really matters for the sake of this story. The anthology requires there be some magic or fantasy element, but I figure there is a Goddess, marks appearing on people's arms the first time they kill, and the tech is powered by crystals that grow in a garden. To me, those three things are the magic / fantasy element, though I may need to make them clearer as I continue revising. Conceptually, I was thinking at least in part, the line between technology and magic could be fuzzy and ambiguous. How much of the Goddess building castles and terraforming a moon was done with magic and how much was done with technology too forgotten for people to understand is not meant to have a definite answer. I've thought about this on and off since I first wrote this story, but every idea I had regarding E finding some kind of magic at that point in the story felt like a Deus Ex Machina and/or contrary to what the Goddess stands for. She built castles with built in defenses, but did not leave her people with many weapons meant for offense. There are definitely some wrinkles to iron out and world building to sprinkle between these to sections, but I think I'm getting closer to where it needs to be.

I think this is one of my favorite chapters so far. The Ari... are fascinating and I loved seeing E take on one of the older ones and come out on top. I was struggling to figure out how much time was passing, but if E was too then that is okay. I agree with @kais about needing more description. Page 1-2 "...gave a hint of gender, and E since they were not longer in the Nether, it could give no hints." Is there a missing or extra word? Page 11 "Those ungrateful two...rip them both to shreds when she got out of here and found them." This felt a little out of nowhere. If these kind of thoughts are triggered by the change, why did they take so long to happen? I think if there were some ragey feels closer her change, even if they weren't so specific, I'd have more buy in to these thoughts. Page 18 "J... and they rest, they do not understand tactics." The rest? The last few lines...perfection! If I'm not imagining things, in the earlier chapters, there were little subtle hints that P might have been Ari... . I can't wait to read more!

I was almost going to drop the name, but I added background earlier in story. I feel like if they have a name, then E has a point of reference for figuring out how to fight them. In the document with the whole story, the scene this submission opens with is on page 7. What I'm going for is them gradually getting more cordial as the story goes on. Thanks for the comments you made so far! :-)

Content Warnings: Language, Violence, Gore, Death Hi All, I've cleaned up part one, added some set up, worked on voice, added more world building, and hopefully addressed many of the issues brought up last week. It's not perfect, but it's getting closer. This submission has a little overlap with part 1 since I rewrote the last two scenes from that segment. We're starting back at the dinner table. Did I make the blocking any better there? There are no more peasants fleeing from an attacked village. Does what I replaced that with work better? I did make changes in part 1 to set up for it. The random character losing an arm is also gone. What do you think of what I replaced that with? Those of you who read the original part 2 this winter will recognize some elements in this version, but there is also some brand new content that I keep second guessing. OK, I'm second guessing more than just the new content. Any feedback is welcome, but I am particularly interested in pacing, character buy-in, and blocking. I'm aware there is probably still a little too much telling. Pointing out where there is excess telling or it is absolutely critical to not tell could be helpful. I did print this out and proof read it, but I did not spend hours upon hours adjusting and polishing every sentence and word, so it on the sentence level, it is a little rough. If you notice issues as you read, feel free to point them as it will save time later, but don't go out of your to find them and or explain them. Once I am happy with big picture stuff, and can get myself to actually see the errors, missing words and weird similes, I will know how to fix them. Simply and concisely pointing them out does helps me see them. Plus, I always feel bad if people spend too much time on grammar, but then because of other big picture comments, I end up deleting pages of text. :-/ Also, I didn't quite get to end, so there will be a part 3 next week. Sorry for the book of an email and the lateness. This story is kicking my butt, but I refuse to give up on it. Thank you! Sara Last time: E is at a party, trying get close to their sister so they can protect her from potential assassins and try to seek her forgiveness. E makes some progress talking to their sister and stops a mouse drone from shooting her with a poisoned dart. This time: (after a little overlap from last time) We find out who sent those mouse bots. There is an attack, not a hit on Ulsa, but on the entire ruling family (extended relatives included).

Took that out completely. It wasn't really relevant and I was being stupid about it anyway.

Me being paranoid about confusing people with the they/them pronoun. I'll work on this more as I continue to revise. I think this will be a little better in part 2 since E is away from their family, but next time I go back to part 1, I'll work on this more and make sure I carry it through. And good point about the redundancy. I also took out some of the clumsiness. I put it their for humor and because Enzi had everything under too much control in earlier drafts. I went from too competent to too incompetent. Good catch. I have this all in my head, but it looks what I was trying to convey isn't coming through. Maybe abdicated wasn't the best choice in wording. I was thinking abdicating heirship, not current status as rulers. I'll think on how to rephrase this. Took the peasants out this weekend. As for tech, have you ever played Breath of the Wild? The "ancient tech" in that game is the kind of vibe I am trying (and probably failing) to create. I think improved this a little over the weekend, but might still need to do more. I'm thinking about making it so Enzi actually took the night off instead of being undercover, and try to show them struggling to act like their old self versus their CSO self. But when stuff starts going wrong Enzi switches fully into CSO mode. Not widely known at all, and I made some changes so not just anyone can actually access all of them. Though there might still be a hole or two. hmmm I'll definitely do more work on the begining once I get through to the end. Looking forward to seeing what you think of submission 2 (which does not quite make it to the end of the story). Thank you very much!

I'm hoping to still get my story in today, but after making changes to part one, I started making changes to part 2 and made a big mess, and every time I think I have time work on it, something happens... I'm sure I'll get the content changes done today, as long as there are no other family members or neighbors get injured today (both my parents and a neighbor have had hand or wrist injuries in the past week. It is like there is a curse going around). Whether or not there is time to proof read today will determine whether I am on time or not. I'm assuming you'd rather have it a day late than on time but not proof read.

I'm fine with it -- the last ones were on the shorter side.

I'll clarify. It's not a secret that it's there. The secret it how long it's been there. I'm glad you mentioned this here and in a couple of your other comments. Feedback from the previous draft had been that the competency sliders were too high, so I was worried over compensated, but no one else had commented on it this time around. I'll work on finding a better balance. Thank you! That line was a mistake. I hadn't even meant to imply that ace/aro people generally don't get married, just that this society wouldn't force someone to marry and procreate if that was not part of that individuals orientation and identity, but it got all muddled, and really, the best fix to that was not imply that this society had any requirements for it's rulers to get married at all. Because any person, regardless of orientation or identity, might not want to marry. I should've known better than to write that at all. I should've not put it back after the first time I deleted it. Because I have researched ace identities (most in an attempt to make sense of my own orientation and identity, something I haven't quite accomplished yet). I am definitely going to check out the links you sent. I'm sorry. And thank you! The child would need to have her DNA. The medbots can do something like IVF. Ulsa can still marry whoever she wants. I can hint at something like this on-page if it's necessary, but I'm not sure it is the way I'm thinking of reframing that whole conversation. I think that scene just isn't going to work. I have an idea for something to replace it. :-) Thank you for reading, giving me feedback, and sharing those links.

I'm not entirely sure what happened, but I'm going through making some edits, and the file I have saved on my computer with the same name as the one I sent aren't exactly the same (at least not from p. 5 on). I'm thinking I attached before I had hit save on the document, because there are missing words and typos in the one I sent that are not in the file I have on my computer. There are lines I remember deleting in the one I sent (like the one with the ace/aro marrying reference that @kais pointed out). Those lines are not in the one on my laptop. I'm sorry about that! The big picture feedback is still spot on, and you all pointed out plenty of sentence level things I missed. I think I had caught only a quarter or a third of the errors @alderant pointed out, so it's still all very helpful. I'm sorry you had read it with the extra errors.

I love Roobios, especially when it is blended with little bits of dried fruit. I don't need to avoid caffeine. I just like Roobios.

I'm hoping to send the second half of Mindless Nine on Monday the 13th. If I don't get all of part 2 ready, I'll just end up with a shorter submission.