shatteredsmooth

It does! I actually had intended to make E an animal behavior and training nerd, but that kind of got lost as I tried to figure out other things, and resulted in people wondering why there was so much focus on the dog. However, I think in addition to maybe working on that aspect of E's personality, having something that is antique related (I know you said it doesn't have to be) would also work. Yes -- that is because I changed a few bits of backstory and am now using he/him for A throughout the whole narrative, though knowing me I'll probably miss half the they's I need to change on the way through. I've made some significant changes to many of the earlier chapters, so don't worry about detailed critiques of them. The general comments you made were very helpful. Thanks you! Thank you everyone for reading! I didn't reply to much yet because I just skimmed the comments tonight and need to read more carefully and digest them before I respond to anything else. :-)

I noticed this too and forgot about it pretty quickly. Another good point that I didn't sop to note and quickly forgot about. Unless the train took so long to get to them because it was already in the process of stopping over the course of a mile? But then I guess it wouldn't have been moving so fast when Z finally saw it.

I've enjoyed all the chapters you sent so far, but this one is the one I was absolutely the most engaged with, which in turn made it hard to comment on. I was completely caught up in the moment, of the sounds and how you described that completely overloaded feeling. It felt so real and visceral and maybe reminded me a little bit of shopping carts in a busy grocery store (a sound that can short circuit my brain and make me panic a little or just freeze for no reason I can understand). The epithet also worked really well as a set up for this. One interaction in the begining of this chapter that I got tripped up on was the one between Z and M about mornings. I'm guessing M thought Z was being sarcastic, when Z obviously wasn't. However, M's reaction seemed a little harsh and out of nowhere. I loved the line that starts "Time did that thing where it seemed to stop...." I loved how as the spiral went on, many of the sentences were longer and longer. You did a great job making the voice match the internal state. The moment with Z's mom and the charcoal and paper was nice. Though I kept thinking Z's mom was going to pulled into the train because she got up to stop Z from running. I was glad she didn't. And then just when it seemed like everything was going to be okay, the soul lantern coalesced and the train stopped, and I really wished you had sent the whole chapter. I thought this was well set up for. You described the shaped lanterns getting covered and Z's orb being the only one left visible. I'm looking forward to reading more.

I didn't follow this either. I agree.

I'm not sure if it is WRS or revision, but E seems different, maybe more sympathetic, in this chapter than last one I remember seeing her in. This is a good thing, though it does shift the role I expect her to play in the narrative. In the other chapter, I had her pinned as someone who might be more of a rival or antagonist to Q, now I'm thinking they are going to be working together to find T before the book is over. (No need to confirm or deny my predictions). There was a ton of tension in the chapter. I was squirming while I was reading the seen with DM because I, as the reader, have already seen him blackmail T and play his role in releasing the monsters, and I CANNOT WAIT for her to figure this out. Overall, this chapter was great, and can I have the next one please? A few as I read notes: "...hard eyes more lacking in human feeling than any android's." I love this line. "even though...frost heaves...again" What do frost heaves on the road have to do with architecture? "...she was being fitted for the fall..." I can't wait for her to move from thinking he is just trying to blame her to realizing it is actually his scheme. "She pulled on the warm, familiar mantle of corporate b...." Now, this line makes perfect sense and is awesome, but when I was reading it last night, I flagged it as confusing. This also comes back to my first comment (which may be WRS related, but even before E realized she was getting blamed, her corporate b vibes seemed toned down compared to her last chapter). "...crew wound them then?" Found? I loved the ending and all the emotion in it. Looking forward to the next submission!

Me three! I think. Ch. 11 is a gigantic mess, but I should have it readable by Monday.

Or I didn't write what I thought I wrote. I was picturing the sword kind of spilling out of the bag with the doll and plopping on the floor. That doesn't necessarily mean the words on the page actually conveyed that.

This exactly. This is fair. Some of it wasn't backseeded because it wasn't in the story at all until a couple weeks ago, and I probably could've warned you all about that. Other things I just set up poorly. Probably more like Sting or a dirk -- something between sword and dagger but might look like a sword to a kid. I'll revise my description. And it would stick out, being about the same size as Alex. This is one of the things that wasn't in my original draft, but as I was going through getting my next few submissions ready, I felt like it was to confusing have D constantly telling E where she sensed things and it would be a lot easier to write clearly if E could sense them too, at least to an extent. I'll find a place to do that. I had something like that in this chapter, but then took it out. I'll try to work in somewhere earlier. Another agree. I'm still very vague on why the ghosts are in mannequins and not, say, robots that run on batteries or something. And what their powers actually are. So M and her mannequin are more or less the same as A and his doll. The ghosts, with enough energy, telekinetically move things. It's the ghost, not the mannequin doing things, and I will try to make that clearer much earlier. I'm not sure I ever showed E realizing this, so I will go back and clarify. The sword was in Chapter 1, but there was so much going on in that chapter, but the feedback I got on it was that there was too much going on, so I can see it being forgettable. I'll go back and try to draw more attention to it in Ch. 1. The doll isn't holding it -- its on the floor in front of him I was changing from "they" to "he" and probably missed half of the theys I needed to change. @kais and @Mandamon also had some confusion about this. The bones were in marked graves in an old cemetery and M's ghost took they out and dumped them in a river while looking for A's bones, which were not in his grave. This also calls for more explanation of what a ghost like M can and can't do, and I did seem to botch this set up in the earlier chapters with all the research. We are about half way. This is something I always struggle with when submitting things week by week. Sometimes I want to wait until I've gotten feedback on everything to start making changes, but then I feel like I am rehashing too many of the same mistakes. When I revise as I go, I do tend to change things that have ripples for later on. I'll try to be clearer in the emails I send with the story about what I've changed. Makes sense. Thank you everyone for reading! Your feedback was very helpful. :-)

Content Warning: There is kid versus possessed mannequin fighting, so I put "V" for violence. Hi All, So my biggest concern about this one is the fight with the mannequins. I like writing fight scenes, but I am not good at writing fight scenes people can actually follow. Otherwise, any other feedback is welcome. As usual, don't worry about grammar and typos. I'll save that for when the content is solid. Thanks! A couple side notes: I realize a few items from the vampire hunting kit (the one E took in Ch. 1) are used, though I realize said kit hasn't been mentioned since then. Their use probably seems to come out of nowhere in this chapter, so when I make up my mind, I will either go back and remove it completely or set it up better. One thing I may also need to clarify at some point is that the mannequins themselves are just mannequins. It's the ghosts possessing and controlling them that have power to make them move and to turn people into things. Last time: Ch. 1-2: E's mom gets turned into a mannequin in an antique shop. A haunted doll helps E's and the shop dog escape the same fate. Ch. 3-4: E gathers supplies from Junk Junction and does research in a library. Then they venture out to find food and a psychic. They meet D, a 13-year-old psychic whose mom is missing. They think D's mom's disappears is related to E's mom and Mx.R getting turned into mannequins. Ch. 5-6: E & D do research in D's mom's office. D tells E more about the circumstances surrounding her mom's disappearance. In the morning, the two kids return to the shop, only to find the mannequins gone and the phrase "come find me" spelled out with teacups. Ch. 7: E & D return to Junk Junction, only to find the mannequins missing along with an assortment of other items. They go to D's house, and find some of the missing items are there along with another message from M. Ch. 8-9: E & D get back to the office safe. A makes a mess throwing books around and finds an journal with some potentially useful information. E learns how to more clearly sense ghosts and their energy. The next morning, E, D, and A leave for the mill. On the way, they discover a river full of bones presumably stolen from their graves by M in an attempt to find A's bones.

I had a much, much easier time following the story this time. I'm leaning towards option 1 because I think the first couple paragraphs make a great hook. I made a few notes as I read, but for the most part, I think the only major critique I have is that I had trouble feeling invested in the mc. Maybe it was personality or voice. I also felt like I didn't know what was at stake for him, personally, when it wasn't just life or death, anyway. As I read: This time around, I had a better idea of what was going on during the first couple pages. However, the following line was a little unclear : ". Can’t entice consumers into your newest ...if you can’t even post a feed to the local node." "Not just for the corporate bonuses it entailed, tough that was an added perk" I kind of want to know what the bonuses are, but more than that, I want a better idea of what is driving him to keep the streak. Right now, I'm not sure how much I care about him keeping the streak. "...agent in the complex he'd accidentally..." Not sure if this was there last time or not, but between this and the other parts where the tourist cover comes up, I like the little detail about how he got in. "...get demotion points..." What are demotion points? What personal and professional consequences do they have for him? "The voice of the holo-man’s—D's—FX crew was tinny with whatever worm S had attached to the channel" On this read I understood what was going on with the filming. "...his team would have a good recording...next...he compromised" This made me think that it wasn't life or death, even if he lost the fight, which lowered the stakes. I'd be fine with that if I had an idea of what the stakes were for him, personally, regarding his streak and demotion points. My interest is piqued near the end. If I was reading this as a serial in a zine or something, I would want to read the next episode.

This definitely worked better than the last chapter. The emotional arc definitely lands better this time. I wasn't a hug fan of the flash back, but it didn't confuse me, either. I knew who was who. I knew what happened when. Something about the voice in it felt stilted, a little too stiff, and maybe that was why I didn't like it. But I think changing the voice there is more of a sentence level editing type thing and not something you need to worry about right now. If it were me, I'd just move on and revisit it on the next round of revision. Me not liking the tone of it might also just a matter of personal preference. I don't think it is hurting the chapter at all, and if I was reading for fun, at this point in a book, one flash back like this definitely would not hinder my reading in anyway. Here are some notes I made while reading the chapter: Pages 2-3 I like the questions Z is mentally asking. The memories about how she comforted Z after a person Z thought was a friend stopped talking to her worked very well. It showed more of Z but also gave me a good picture of the relationship. The part about her mom being 32 hit home this time. I'm 31. "and cringing but nodded." I don't usually look for typos but this jumped out at me. "noticed that the spear had a point on the butt, which hadn’t been there the last time" Interesting. How common is it for soul lanterns to change? Bottom of page 5 onto 6: "She made as if to..." The blocking around opening the man hole cover confused me a little. Good emotion on page 9 & 10 Page 20 I loved the scene at the top of this page where the mom hugs M. That was well executed and the emotion landed perfectly. I'm looking forward to the next chapter!

I liked this chapter. I hardly noticed it was longer than the usual submissions. Lots of action to move the narrative forward and it does make up for less happening through most of the previous one. I was a little confused at first. I thought M had been shot with a bullet, not some kind of tranquilizer, so I was trying to figure out how she had the ability to go through the window with a bullet in her. I thought DM had meant to kill her because she was a witness and frame Q, but eventually, when Q caught up to her and she wasn't bleeding, I realized she had been hit with something similar to what he had been hit with. I had no other confusion and enjoyed all the action. I loved how it ended with all the automated stuff disconnected and the android off the net, forcing Q to do things manually. I have a couple little notes I made while reading. Page 14: “We were stitched up; clear as the tiny dick on B’s forehead.” Not quite sure what M means here, particularly about the "stitched up" part. Page 15 "and S can be an a sometimes" Maybe this is WRS, but I'm not sure which cop S is because M refers to them by last names. Honestly, when I saw this name, the first thing I thought of was the character from the movie whose title shares that characters name.

Hi All, Being over the word count seems to be a trend this week. Sorry I'm a little over. I am rather uncertain about these chapters. I worry that too much happens too quickly in ch. 8 with little time for reaction, but I also don't want to unnecessarily drag things out. What do you think? I'm not sure about the transition between the two chapters, and if they should be two chapters or one. Do you think I need to add more between them? Should it be a scene break, not a chapter break? I'm worried the journal is too cliche. Aside from those questions, any other feedback is welcome. As usual, don't worry about grammar and typos. I'll save that for when the content is solid. Thank you! Sara A few things to note: - I took the gods/aliens thing out, and replaced with something that sets up for the journal they find in the wall on page 6, which is not what D was looking for in her house. I may need to work on leading up to it if it is confusing. -I'm using "he/him" pronouns for A. I made some changes to his back story. Those details haven't be revealed to the reader yet, but they will come up eventually. Last time: Ch. 1-2: E's mom gets turned into a mannequin in an antique shop. A haunted doll helps E's and the shop dog escape the same fate. Ch. 3-4: E gathers supplies from Junk Junction and does research in a library. Then they venture out to find food and a psychic. They meet D, a 13-year-old psychic whose mom is missing. They think D's mom's disappears is related to E's mom and Mx.R getting turned into mannequins. Ch. 5-6: E & D do research in D's mom's office. D tells E more about the circumstances surrounding her mom's disappearance. In the morning, the two kids return to the shop, only to find the mannequins gone and the phrase "come find me" spelled out with teacups. Ch. 7: E & D return to Junk Junction, only to find the mannequins missing along with an assortment of other items. They go to D's house, and find some of the missing items are there along with another message from M. Note Added at 8:57 p.m. I didn't initially tag this with any warnings, but I'm wondering if I should've tagged it for gore. The last few pages could be triggering for some because they show the bones of some of Margarets previous victims / A's friends from when he was alive.

Can I preemptively grab a spot for next Monday too? I'm trying to get as much done as possible before I go back to work full-time for the academic year.

Good to know. Yeah, okay maybe I won't actually find a way to do it in this look, but I'll keep it in the back of my mind. Thanks! Recently, I've read a too many articles about middle grade writers in the US getting having trouble with schools and libraries when their books have LGBTQ+ content, and that has been getting to my head for the past couple weeks. I probably need to stop reading those articles. It's not WRS. D didn't tell E about the book until this chapter. I need to either set up for it better or have more reaction to it from E. Also, I get what WRS means from the context, but what do the letters in the acronym actually stand for? I don't think I saw it before I joined this group. Thank you!

I didn't think you were. Your question is one a lot of cis readers will probably have, and I can see how the clothing conversation was confusing.

E's gender identity isn't about stereotypes, but stereotypes play into how they express their identity. If they lived in a world where no stereotypes existed, they would wear whatever clothing they felt like without thinking about what message it would send, and they would still be non-binary. But stereotypes are everywhere in the world. So E, like many (but not all) non-binary people uses those stereotypes to craft an outward appearance that matches their internal identity. Wearing tight clothing what would make them look female would make them feel dysphoric because they know those clothing will lead people to believe they are a girl when in their head, they are not a girl. However, E is 12 and may not be fully aware of or able to articulate exactly what they are doing. This is a concept I struggle to accurately put into words as a non-binary adult, so translating it to kid is a challenge. I'll take another look at this scene during the revision process because it sounds like it might not be sending the message I thought it was. Being non-binary doesn't necessarily have to add something to a person's life experience. It is their life experience. It's not a choice. People don't choose to be non-binary. They are non-binary. I'll try to work this into the narrative somehow. As far as pronoun choice goes, that varies from person to person. Some people will continue using the pronoun that was attached to their assigned gender while others do not. Some even use multiple pronouns. E sees "she" as a pronoun for girls. E is not a girl. E feels more comfortable with they. One of the challenges with this book is going to be finding a balance between explaining enough for cis people but not letting that explanation take over the narrative. In my heart, I am writing it for non-binary kids, but I also want any kid who picks it up off the shelf to be able to enjoy it. I'd like cis kids who read to maybe learn a thing or two about what being non-binary is while enjoying a story about saving moms from haunted mannequins. And to be completely honest, this book would be a lot easier to sell if I just made the mc a cis girl...but I so bad want to write and read stories with characters who share my identity.

Are you asking specifically about how that conversation pertains to E's identity? Or are you asking for a broader explanation of what being non-binary is and how E character fits that definition?

I enjoyed this chapter, but it didn't seem like a whole lot happened until the end. It was mostly banter. The banter was fun and entertaining, but I don't feel like it revealed more than a few kernels of information or moved the plot forward much. But then again, in this genre of book, sometimes that happens and as a reader, I am empathizing with Q and M's want to get out of the interrogation room and back to the case. I'll admit I only read one book with a PI or detective character in the past year. I was very excited to finally get a scene from M's POV, but then I was a little disappointed because hers was the one I had the hardest time following. (side note: I think something about every submission confused me this week, so maybe the problem is me, not the submissions. Sorry @hawkedup and @Mandamon) I was also a little confused by end. Was I supposed to have a good idea of who set Q up in that particular scene? Were the cops setting up? Or did they not know DM was hiding under the blankets? Aside from it feeling sudden and me being confused, the chapter definitely ended in the right place. In hindsight, I did notice a little bit of set up for it -- like the moments when Q focused on the other two beds. I don't think it was the suddenness that through me so much as not quite getting if the cops and/or the client were in on it or not. Notes I made while reading: Page 3 “Time of the old lead pipe massage, is it?" I didn't get this line. I'm not sure I want to ask what it is supposed to mean. Page 6 "...the two-way mirror, because nobody put a one-way mirror in an interview room. I mean, why the..." Slip into first person? Or should this be italicized as a thought? Page 10 “Do not ever dick me around, Q. My contract says I need to fire my gun..." This scene had been tense with banter and tension, but this line, as Q was walking out threw me. I wasn't sure exactly why Q getting up to walk out prompted this. Page 12 "thunderstorm of grumpy" I love this line! I agree with this.

I think I need to go back and re-read in order to give you helpful feedback because after one read, I was very lost. This wasn't the type of story I could pick up and read for fun before bed. It's more something I need to work to read, at least right now it is. I didn't mind jumping right into a fight scene. I understood there was some type of sabotage going on. I liked the gills. I didn't quite get the other devices. I think the biggest thing that tripped me up was the talk of the fight itself being broadcast. Was it staged? Was it a real fight? How quickly was some kind of news media turning this fight into entertainment? If everyone knew what one company was doing to the other, why would it work at all? Was this a real fight? Or was this actually just being staged and recorded for entertainment? I might be able to answer some of these questions myself if I re read slowly, maybe with a pen and paper instead of a screen. However, this was not the kind of story my brain will digest as something to read for fun. If this were a lit mag or podcast, I probably would've stopped after a few pages. If the others aren't confused like I am, than ignore almost everything I've said in here. If I do get a chance to do a second read through, I'll post new feedback.

I was enjoying this chapter up until the flash back part. I got completely lost in that. I wasn't sure if it was a POV change or not, and even within it, I struggled to keep track of who was who. I also felt like it had more detail than was really needed. I'd be tempted to tell it through dialogue, but there are disadvantages to that. Even with all the flash back detail, I'm having a hard time getting a sense of the mom as a character, and about what her relationship with Z was like. There was talk of her in earlier chapters, but it mostly centered around her being gone, and the relationship with the father is so well done that it overshadows what little bits there were about the mother. I was also very surprised to find out the dad knew she was alive, and if he knew, why couldn't Z know? I couldn't picture Z telling anyone, though maybe I'm not quite reading Z right. I didn't stop to think a whole lot about it while I read, but @Mandamon makes a good point about the power play between the teens and the mom. I think I can kind of see what you were going for, but I'm not sure it quite landed right. I could see the mom being skeptical of the kids. I still don't trust M to actually be Z's friend, so I can see the mom also being skeptical. This feeling is definitely being colored by my own childhood struggles with fitting in with kids at school, so take it with a grain of salt. This chapter did make me more interested in the world and how the turn of the age affects the society. As I read: "Most women gave birth..." So M must be getting close to old enough for the breeding program, right? "...was misery catching up to you" I'm a little confused by this line "Began to climb down, not using her broken leg" I was struggling to picture this. "Oncoming train" I love the end of the chapter!

I'd like a spot too if that is okay.

Well, I'm aiming for about 45K words for draft 2. For adult, that would be a longish novella, but for middle grade, that's a typical length novel (at least based on my research), but I don't know the actual word counts for a lot of the middle grade books I've been reading. I need to work on developing the antagonist more. I'm not good at that when the antagonist isn't a POV character... I took this out along with later instances where I spend too much time on bathroom breaks. Like the one two chapters from now where I think I spent a couple paragraphs describing an outhouse... Also took this reference out. There aren't actually vampires in the book, so talking about them at all is misleading. I'm on the fence about the kit from chapter 1 though...it would be easy enough to swap it out for something else when it is used (not against an actual vampire) but I am kind of attached to it as a way for the mc to question whether or not the supernatural exists at all...and because I've seen actual vampire hunting kits in an antique stores. But I can see how even that is misleading... Yeah. Though now I'm thinking I might actually make it so the trunk is gone next time I revisit the scene. Originally I had intended to imply they disappeared into this air, but now that the car is missing, I'm not implying that. mile My nine-year-old cousin does ten + mile rides on bike trails and old carriage roads. That distance felt long to me at nine, but at twelve or thirteen, it was okay, though I'm sure I rode slower then than I do now. And I'm not super athletic. I can shorten it. For someone like D who is very serious about cycling, it isn't far fetched, at least according to forums I was reading. I think my husband started doing rides like that when he was a little older than D and his mom let him ride alone. But like you said, to someone who isn't into cycling, it may seem like way too much. I just want to make it far enough that is is a challenge, at least for E, and that they can't just ride home after. I haven't actually named any real towns yet, so I'm yet bound by any actual geography. Maybe I'll adjust it so the shop and the town are more like six or seven miles apart, and the mill is more like twenty or twenty five. I'll try to remember to stick to spelling out numbers. The numerals are a hang over from being a reporter for college and small town news papers. You are right that most styles guides, other than AP, have you spell out the numbers. Glad to hear it! We're getting into the section where I feel I struggled most with tension, so it might get worse before it gets better, even if I am revising the chapters before I send them out. Thank you very much for reading. This is actually set in a fairly rural area. I'll have to work more details about the setting in as I revise. I have to think about this. I'm not picturing the dad as a bad dad, but E is definitely closer with their mom and doesn't quite understand their dad. So he might look worse through E's eyes than he actually is. I could add more, but I'm not sure how relevant is will be to the plot. He does show up near the end. Glad to hear it! Thanks! Thank you very much for the feedback!

Hi All, Here is the next installment of Junk Junction. I made some changes to the end of the previous chapter. A no longer zips out of the doll to tell J and E the mannequins might be in the mill. E & do a big search of the shop and find a message from M. I was almost going to resubmit it, but I'm still making some changes to it. I decided it would be most helpful if I just kept moving forward. Like with previous sections, I'm open to just about any kind of feedback, but I'm not ready for editing/grammar stuff since this is an early draft. Thanks! Sara P.S. I am changing A's pronoun and related backstory, but I haven't quite ironed out all the details yet. A isn't in this chapter much. Unless I missed something, the only pronoun should be referring to the doll as "it" but not A's ghost form. Last time: Ch. 1-2: E's mom gets turned into a mannequin in an antique shop. A haunted doll helps E's and the shop dog escape the same fate. Ch. 3-4: E gathers supplies from Junk Junction and does research in a library. Then they venture out to find food and a psychic. They meet D, a 13-year-old psychic whose mom is missing. They think D's mom's disappears is related to E's mom and Mx.R getting turned into mannequins. Ch. 5-6: E & D do research in D's mom's office. D tells E more about the circumstances surrounding her mom's disappearance. In the morning, the two kids return to the shop, only to find the mannequins gone and the phrase "come find me" spelled out with teacups.

Mother twist was interesting. It works, and I think it was well set up, even if it seems to follow a trope that happens in a lot of other fantasy stories where a parent dissapears . Tropes can be good. I like the fuzzy feelings Z is having. I also liked the moment when they realized that the demon the general was after was not the one they had. There was some nice character building while they walked and camped, though at times, with three people and exchanges that didn't all have tags, I did occasionally loose track of who was saying what. As I read comments: Page 2: "If she didn’t know any better, she’d say he was frustrated." Why would she think he wasn't frustrated? Why they "if she didn't know any better" ? Page 3: "The guard wore the same boring gray uniform that every man, woman and child was issued at the age of ten when combat training first began." Has the combat training come up in the narrative before? This detail caught me off guard, like it was something I should already know. This alone would be okay, but it feels a little planted or too convenient because later in the chapter, that combat training becomes very important when they have to use it to fight a demon. Page 7: “I wish that I could, after what I’ve seen...” Is this Z? Page 11: "There was an unspoken “However…” hanging in the air between them," I'm glad to see some doubt about the GK. Page 12: “But the woman in the message. She said she was the....” Again, I am happy this is finally coming up. “That actually makes me feel better...” Z's reaction is a little unclear to me. I want to know a little bit more of what she thinks or how she reacts to this. Is she really buying M's explanation? Page 15: “It comes!” Who says this? And why is there a scene break right after it? Anyway, it was a great chapter, and I'm sorry I'm so late with it.