shatteredsmooth

Awesome! Thank you. I was kind of laughing at myself after I read the comments I've gotten so far, I think my first chapter has issues similar to the ones I pointed out in yours. I love how it's easy to see a problem with someone else's chapter and then be almost oblivious to it in my own writing until someone else points it out.

I leave out so many words when I write, and I almost never see them unless someone points them out. I also add apostrophe's where they don't belong. I don't know what program you write in, but I've noticed Google docs actually catches a good amount of the words I tend to leave out where Microsoft word (or at least the version of it that I have) does not. I like writing in Word, but I'm trying to make a habit of uploading things to Google docs just to run a spelling/grammar check.

I'm fascinated by the world you created, and am excited for the intrigue and rebels you set up for! However, I think the chapter is backwards. I can see what you were going for-- gradually introduce the characters and the world and build up to the reveal about the sister joining the rebels. Unfortunately, I found myself loosing interest as I read. The world was interesting, but that wasn't enough to really draw me in. There wasn't a lot of tension, and I felt like I was perpetually waiting for something to happen. As you'll see below in my as I read comments, there were a lot of places where I felt like I was loosing interest or my attention was wandering. I think flipping the chapter would fix that. I would've liked the chapter better if it opened with the sister announcing she was joining the resistance. I don't really need a lot of context ahead of time, and once I knew the mc's sister was joining rebels and the mc thought it was a Bad Idea, then I would've been curious about why there were rebels and how justified their cause was. I would've been more engaged when I finally learned why they were rebelling. Then, maybe instead of having the mc walking home from work, she could be walking too work. She would have a good reason to be jumpy when she saw the guards, and there would be lots of tension to keep me engaged on the walk. It would feel like it had more of a purpose than just world-building. The scene at work would also be more tense and more interesting. She could be struggling to focus on cooking while dealing with the news that her sister was joining what she thinks of as a doomed resistance. As I read: "The knife...garlic into the hot pan." Murder? Oh, cooking. You have my attention. "when she noticed saw those ears" saw or noticed? "I need to out to" Missing words? There will probably be twenty hundred sentences with missing words in my sub this week. "Rav... forbid..." Who or what is this? "Rav...an statue" Rav... must be a religion or deity? "make it through whatever..." Makes me think they won't all make it through the book. End of scene: I didn't quite get it until the end, but C needed I to find the names because asking them again would've been a mistake C couldn't admit to? There was some nice detail in the scene, but I kept waiting for something that felt significant to happen and it didn't. It just felt like a regular day in the kitchen. "...to see if the charms...had held...moths had eaten..." Nice world building detail. "The main thoroughfares...king's soldiers..." I felt like I was missing information here, with the amount of words given to them, I wanted to come back knowing more, how I should feel about them. "A nobody to a..." This walk is getting long and nothing is happening. "...at the thought of a Third..." As this scene winds down, I'm feeling it's sole purpose was to tell us about the world. Having a walk full of world building can work, but most of the time, at least for me, it needs to come after something significant has happened, and nothing out of the ordinary has really happened yet. So far, it feels like this could be any day in I's life. "tutting halfheartedly at the mound of wet clothes..." Is something happening now? Is the brother going to be missing? The house empty? "had gone sea slug hunting..." Now I want to see a sea slug! "Lcrowded, his round beaming..." So he is fine and here. OK, so the inciting incident hasn't happened yet. Also, I think there might be a missing word. "...her shoulder blades." I like how you worked the description in here! "calloused hands...small scars from iron burns..." Interesting! These details are well described and have me curious. "There was nothing they wouldn't do for each other." This line has me thinking there will be some tough decisions about what they will and won't do for each other. "New fishing regulations..." OK, I get this king is making things tough for all kinds of business. "...are going to join the Revolutionaries..." I feel like this should be the start of the chapter. See my overall note at the begining.

I should've come in an email. I sent it to the email that usually goes to everyone. Did it not go through?

Mondays tend to be one of my busiest days, so I sent mine out today.

Hi Everyone, It's been months since I've subbed anything, but I'm back with a new WIP. My Monday's tend to be very busy, so I figured I'd send this out a little early. Over the winter, I read a few college-set paranormal or contemporary fantasy romance novellas, and impulsively decided to write one. Three weeks later, I had a 60,00 word novel. I let it sit for a while. Now I'm trying to decide out what to do with it. I revised and cleaned up the first chapter's content as best I could without feedback, but this is the first time I've ever finished a story where the romance is the main plot. I'm open to any kind of feedback you have, but I suggest you don't spend much time on grammatical stuff. It's way to early in my writing process to worry too about grammar. This is set in the same world as a series, The Evanstar Chronicles, that I am in the process of publishing, but it is not part of that series. Even though the main character in this is a prominent side character in the other books, this is meant to be a standalone. It does not tie in to the overarching plot of the series. The Book of Mel is just what popped into my head when I needed to throw a title on this. It will probably change at some point unless I shelve this. Thank you! Sara

I am very tempted to submit something for Monday, but I'm not 100% sure if it will be ready. I should know for sure by Sat. or Sun.

I was not as into this chapter as I thought I would be. However, I liked it much better than the previous version. As a whole, The S/I/E narrative feels more streamlined and decisive. I liked watching S fight and control the anxiety. That I could relate to. Most of the food descriptions were great, except for maybe the one about the lactose sauce that @kais mentioned. That one did not sound appealing. The little touchy and flirty moments were great, and I want more of them. I had a hard time focusing on the chapter because I was getting swallowed up in the scale of the party, but those little moments grounded me and reengaged me when my mind started to wander. I had the same reaction. If they had just portaled out without telling anyone, it would've seemed like they just disappeared, and even if WW or the others figured it out, it would still be kind of rude to just disappear without saying bye to the host. Agree.

This more or less sums up much of what I was going to write. I knew "J" was an Ari, but I couldn't tell how many of the others were actually who they appeared to be and how many were Ari. I had a hard time following who was saying what and who agreed with who. This isn't a proper writing term or anything, but in my head I have this labeled as a "talking heads" chapter because it's really just people standing around talking delivering information. Sometimes, a chapter that is mostly dialogue is okay and even compelling if there is enough tension and emotion, but for a good portion of this, I wasn't feeling the tension because Re was a very passive observer. It got better when R finally started talking himself, and when he started doing his own scheming. But that was page 13. It was really the last three pages where I started to engage with the chapter and feel the tension. On a more positive note, you did a great job with the description of the setting in this chapter. It was very grounded in Re's voice. I especially liked his reaction to the naked statue. The last few lines were fantastic in a beautiful, heartbreaking way and make me feel more sympathetic to Re than I ever have felt before.

I've been published with a small presses and have gone through four failed attempts to get an agent. Attempt five coming soon.

I liked this chapter. In some ways, it felt very similar to M's chapter, but from different characters POVs. They go back to the city, and it takes a whole bunch of them to defeat a couple El. However, it was kind of neat seeing how the different characters approached the problem in their own way. There was good emotion and tension during the actual fight. You did a good job capturing R feeling helpless but still managing to do something. She was also very perceptive of the other characters and how they were faring, so it was definitely worth seeing this play out through her eyes. When they got to the manor with the other survivors, it was a satisfying end to the chapter. One thing I like about the placement is that it seems like they could've almost crossed paths with M's group, but didn't.

I have mixed feelings about this chapter. It is one of those regroup and catch your breath chapters, which would work if the last big action scene from R's POV had been in this book, but where it is the first time we are seeing from R's POV in book 3, it doesn't quite work that well. It does very little to move the story forward. All it adds is a little romantic emotion between R an O and explains why HD leaves the group. In a different context, I think the chapter would be okay, or if the end of book 2 were part of book 3, I'd be more okay with it.

So a few people mentioned the "if they have that much money, why do they work" but the money had come up a lot in the story and I honestly thought they just worked because Q would be bored otherwise, that he worked because it was his passion. And in the case of the one he just finished? That one had been personal. At first, I felt a little adrift in the cafe scene. The part with Eve was nice. I was a little distracted, wanting concrete details about what happened with the charges. I got that info in the next scene. The broadcast was a nice touch. On the first read through, I picked his name out of it, but had forgotten his place of residence, so the complete significance of it didn't land for me until Q explained it, but that is mostly from WRS, I think. It landed perfectly when I reread the scene. I loved going back to M's POV in the second part of the chapter. The part with the pilot felt a little plopped in there. I hardly remembered the pilot as she had such a small amount of time on page. I wasn't sure how much that scene was needed, though the arrival of M's my robot was a nice touch. There was a great last line. But isn't M a little young to just leave home alone with a robot for a few weeks? Going back to where I started, I can see Q having money and taking jobs because he is the type of person who needs to work to stay sane, but leaving M alone after everything just happened doesn't sit right with me especially since financially, he could afford to take a couple weeks off.

I just read through this, and didn't make any notes while I read. I don't necessarily have specific suggestions in mind, so I'll just share my reaction. M seemed very tired and a little numb. His age and exhaustion seemed to be what set the tone for the chapter. If that is what you are going for, then you got it! If not, then you may want to work on it more. I liked having the two M chapters back to back. It's keeping more engaged than the rapidly switching back and forth. I liked the thought progression regarding how M came to figure out the portal thing. I don't remember exactly how it played out in the old version, but I definitely like this better. I also enjoyed his attention to detail when studying and describing the El.

WRS on my part then. It definitely had M's voice. One a second or third read, it was clearer, but on my first read through, the placement of it made me doubt it so I had to go back and reread. Personally, as a reader, unless it is a conversation between just two people, I like some kind of tag or action associated with the words, just so I know 100% sure who is saying what, even if the voice is distinct like M's.

Sorry I'm late commenting! This is definitely an improvement from last time. I no longer feel so overwhelmed and I was a lot more engaged with the story. However, I think you went from telling readers too much to not giving them enough. I don't need big paragraphs of text explaining things, but little details interspersed throughout the chapter would be nice along with more dialogue and description of the setting to give us a better sense of the character. "Ma... stood at the ready...." Much better opening line! I'd work in the details about the family sword when Ma is studying how Mu is holding the sword instead of where you have it. Just wait another paragraph before you start giving us backstory. "...take it seriously" A sentence or two about what is at stake might be good here. Why is it so important to take it seriously? The duel would be one place you could add banter! It would give readers a better idea of the characters' personalities and make them care more about the duel. "Ma... knew he couldn't give approval..." Here, you add a line or two about what this means. "wash...and change..." You don't necessarily have to skip this. A scene of dialogue with some description of the room could be a good way to reveal some information about the characters. Just keep it short and make sure it has a clear purpose that moves the story forward. When you get to the history class, I'd some description of the classroom and the other students. Think about what kind of details your mc would notice walking into the room, when getting bored by the lecture. When we get to the place they eat, again, add more imagery, more about the sounds and the smells and what is being served. I love food description. While doing this, weave in dialogue and world building. One thing I try to focus on in revision is giving each scene a beat. What is the purpose of this specific scene? What does the character want in that scene? What happens to stop the character? Do they get what they want? How? How does that move the plot forward? As we get closer to the test, give us a little more about approval and what it means for M, just in very small increments. More description of the instructor as Ma approaches would be good. I didn't make any comments during the last fight scene. I was engaged with it, excited to know what happens next. Overall, this was much better, but I think you took out too much. Very purposefully incorporating a little more relevant description and world building will go a long way. Just keep it in small increments and try to avoid big batches of it all at once. When I revise, I tend to fall into patters of overcompensating, either taking out to much or adding too much. Sometimes I zigzag a lot before I find the right balance.

I agree with most of this. I get the feeling we haven't see the last of N, and if there isn't more of him in this book, then I'll be expecting it in the third one. As for TOM, yeah, he was in the background always but never present, unless he is going to make an appearance in the next chapter. Re the criminal charges, I'm assuming that will be dealt with in the last chapter? Other than being left with these questions and the feeling that this isn't over yet, I did like this chapter. There was a lot of emotion, and I loved how it resolved some of the tension between Q & M. There were some cute moments between them here. As I read: "Her blue crime scene garb." is something missing? This feels like half a sentence. "This was a rust-show and no mistake..." Who says this? Sounds like M but not 100% sure. "Our job is to get you out of harms way.." Did the feds even know they were down there? That were injured? My first impression was that the feds were rushing in to arrest them, but then they already seemed to know people were inured. Maybe they were watching on a camera N hadn't disabled? "...a terse email to..lamentable thermal properties...boxers..." This line made me laugh. Nice touch of humor to lighten things up a bit. "He sniffed. 'Well, you got me there.'" This ends a very nice moment between Q and M. I'm looking forward to reading the final installment, but I'll miss Q & M when this is over.

This was definitely better than the previous iteration of it, and the timing is also better. I was ready to move on to a new POV and get to this facet. As for this chapter itself, the pacing was good. Defeating the El felt earned. There was a good balance of chaos and a sort of distant calm. However, M did seem a little numb to all the deaths. It looks like the others have already addressed this though, and I see you are planning to work on that. I also like the changes you made with the Ell. If i'm remembering correctly, the only chapter they spoke in was E's. It's interesting how their words seem to contradict their actions and that the E seem to disappear with the victims now. This is a little different than what happened with Eff P, right? It's been a while since I read, so I'm not sure. It makes me wonder if they are actually killing them or just transporting them to another universe or facet. Though it is clear that P is dead, so unless they are doing something with these people than they did with him, I'm assuming it is murder and not transport. I noticed the others didn't bring this up, so maybe I'm over analyzing or letting my imagination run too far with speculation. Looking forward to more next week!

I liked this chapter much better! I's voice is more distinct here. I was very invested throughout the chapter. I enjoyed the description this time. It felt relevant and connected to I and what was going on in his head as he walked through the Ari neighborhood. I loved how linked it was to his memories and emotion. If I step and look at the big picture, the whole narrative from C. 1 to 3 feels much better now. It no longer has that indecisive back and forth feel but a sense that the characters are moving forward somehow. As I read: "Even smells like out parent's wagon" This line and everything around it really brought me into the moment. "the pronoun used for leader" Is there a missing article? "He suspected Ari... presentation of gender tied strongly into how all..." You said something very similar to this in the previous paragraph. It's getting a little redundant now. "Welcoming without words, even as they saw..." Still lots of buy in for me. Still feel well immersed in the world and emotions. :-) "Quite handsom, in a dragony, catlike sort of way" I love this! "Surely he had told someone...I found his boyfriend's hand..." Another nice moment. I like how it translates from I's internal thoughts about Eff P to reaching out to S.

LOL No, I think the people who got the most secret snarky replies aren't actively posting in the group right now.

When I was new, I read books and articles about the craft of writing. I'd do writing exercises. But I felt like I hardly learned anything from it. In theory, I knew what I needed to do, but then I would write and it wouldn't actually happen. However, when I started getting feedback from other people, then I figured out how to implement the things I could learned and wrote better stories. I think of writing as a long process. The first draft is for me. I can do whatever I want, and no one ever sees that draft. I've heard some people refer to this as draft 0 or a zero draft or something, but I don't like calling it that. The second draft I revise based on what I know about story telling from reading and research. That is the draft I let people see. That is the draft that gets torn to pieces. I'm okay with that, because the final version I'm working towards isn't for me. It's for readers. When I write, I do so assuming that a lot of what I write is going to get moved into my file of misfit lines and replaced with new content. I assume certain things aren't going to make sense to people. I assume that I might start and end in the wrong place, that things I love might bore other people. For me, feedback and revision are the most important part of the writing process. Being told I've done something wrong doesn't mean I'm a bad writer. It's just a necessary part of the journey from a messy first draft to a polished story people will enjoy reading. When I was new, I did find it very overwhelming with longer works. Starting with flash fiction and then working my way up to short stories made the process more bearable. As far as actually implementing it goes, it took me a few months to figure out a good way to do that with feedback in the format I get it from this group. I copy it all into one word document and print it out. Then I take colored pens and write all over it. If someone says something I don't like or that makes me mad, I can write snarky things near their comment and they'll never see it and I'll feel better. I circle or underline the changes I need to make, cross out the ones i'm rejecting, and put question marks next to the ones I'm uncertain about. Next, I make a list. Then I save my original document as a new file and start making the changes, checking things off of the list and the circled comments as I go.

I agree with this completely. Definitely.

I haven't had a to chance to give it a second read yet, but I have given it a little more thought. Part of what I didn't like was that N did a lot villain talk. But I've also become very invested in the other characters who have been very prominent throughout the book and they were pushed to the side lines. I get Q is the mc, but the other characters have been very prominent, and Q alone with N and his thoughts wasn't the same as Q with M or Q with everyone else. D's death didn't quite land right either. He's probably the character I'm least attached to, so if someone has to die, I'm fine with it being him. However, something about it didn't have the right impact. It happened so quick and most of Q's reaction was swallowed by more of N's monologue. N's monologue had some interesting concepts in it and Q 'sf deep, sad, feelings were poetic and beautifully written, but I found myself lacking buy-in. But this all may just be a subjective thing. Maybe it's not what I was hoping was going to happen, so I'm getting grumpy about it. There have been countless numbers of times where I've bought a book, read it, loved 80% of it, and disliked the last few chapters. I'll be curious to see what the others who have been following this from the begining seem to think.

I was disappointed with this chapter. There was some beautiful writing, but something about it just isn't quite working for me. N talks a lot. Maybe too much. Mustache-twirling is a term I hadn't really heard until I joined this group, and maybe it fits here. I also was really disappointed when the VelR's obeyed the programming. I had completely expected them to turn on N. There were definitely some places where Q's emotions were beautifully described, but I still didn't have the same level of buy-in and engagement that I did your other chapters. I'm not quite sure what, but something is missing and off about this chapter. I'll think more about it, and come back if I can find a more concrete way to explain it or why I think it. It is after midnight here. Maybe in the morning I'll think of something more specific.

I vaguely remember that being clear, but it has been a long time since I read Ch. 3. This might very well be WRS. When I read books for fun, I tend to read them over one or two days, so it's a completely different experience.