shatteredsmooth

95% of the time I read the submission first, but there have been a few times where I'm worried something might be triggering, so I look at some of the comments first. But a majority of the time, I don't want anyone's critique influencing mine. After I gather my thoughts, I will look at some of the things other people said, especially the "overall" type comments and decide if I want to agree or disagree with or comment on what has already been said.

In the drafting process, I can usually tell when a scene ends, but I'm not always entirely aware of where it starts. A lot of times when I shape scenes in revision, I trim a lot from the begining and some from the middle. There is usually a point in the middle where I realize I'm building up to something, and it crystalizes at the end once something happens. Then I can go back, find the where real starting point, and make sure the rest builds up correctly from there.

1. What tone and type of story are you expecting? The tone I'd be expecting based on the first paragraph versus the whole thing would be different. The first paragraph made me expect a more nontraditional narrative with lots of second person and first wall breaks. I was expecting there to be a cat in the story, and I was really looking forward to a cat in space. The second part had me thinking of a more traditional sci-fi / space opera story with aliens more advanced than humans. 2. What elements would you expect to see? Exploration of sentience. Space ships. Diplomacy gone wrong. Maybe space pirates or smugglers. More detailed descriptions of the various species, the world, and tech. 3. What big moment/climax would you anticipate, based on the first chapter? So if this were the start of a novel and S, who actually seems really nice and gentle, accidentally killing someone, is the inciting incident, then I expect the book would deal with the fallout of this. What does he do now that he can't be the ships human? I'd assuming his arc would be about coming to terms with this. So were would that lead to for plot? His having to survive some kind of revenge? Do something to help humans fit better in the galaxy? Create some kind of social political change? Him surviving the revenge and/or actually making a change could be the climax. But if S isn't really the focus of the story, if it is the character that gets cut in half? Then I'm not sure. Because of the cat mention in the begining, I keep wondering if he somehow gets turned into a cat later.

To be honest, this isn't something I consciously think of when i draft. If I do, I will never get anything on the page. This is more of a revision tool, so for me its not really building a scene but excavating it from the mess. At some point in the process, I look at what I've written and see a lot of the scenes form organically. As I reread each one, I figure out what the beat is, how it moves the story forward and how it helps the characters grow. I think about what it currently does versus what it needs to do and revise accordingly. Eventually getting feedback and seeing how readers react to different things helps me further refine them. Honestly, I've never counted, and probably never will. I agree with this. Something has to happen, but "something happening" can mean a lot of different things.

Speaking of years, my two-year anniversary with the group just passed by. I joined May 22 2018/ I wasn't alive in the 70s, but I am sure there was more focus on it then than now. But I will say regarding the present day, as someone who teaches writing in higher ed. There is little consistency in how much of language mechanics is taught from one school system to another. The same goes for reading. Even with common core, students come out of different high schools, a town or two apart, with completely different skill levels. I'll have students in a first-year writing course at college come in with widely varying degrees of knowledge when it comes to mechanics and readings skills with native speakers, and add the ESL students to the mix and that varies even more. A lot of it has to do with demographics and economics in the district. Systematic racism is prevalent in the school districts I see students come from. Even within the same school, sometimes. In the early 2000s, I felt like my high school was literally segregated with most of the white students in honors and college prep classes and the Latinx students in lower classes. And when I compare towns, the students coming from the city with a mostly low income Latinx population versus the neighboring white and upper middle class town come two college with very different skill levels when it comes to anything literacy related. The amount of inequality in the education those kids receive is ridiculous. One interesting thing, though, with grammar, is ESL students that went through the college's ESL program, not their high school's, actually tend to have more awareness of how the language works, even if they do tend to mess up a lot when it comes to verbs. I do see a lot of students who are very resistant to reading, and really expect the text to work for them. If it doesn't instantly draw them in and engage them, they don't want to do the work to make meaning out of it. Some semesters I've had students act like it is the teacher's responsibility to magically know exactly what book everyone is going to love and pick it, and if the teacher fails to do that, they can't be bothered reading it. I could go down a rabbit hole of how digital texts affects literacy (I a few years ago I did some research about this and have forgotten most of it already) but that is not really what this thread is about. But teaching at a community college is wild sometimes, with how different people's skill level's are when they start class. We do have developmental writing classes, but they've been so compressed and accelerated over the past few years... Now that I teach at night, I admit I see less recent HS grads and more adults returning to school, but in the tutoring center in the day I still see a lot of the younger students. Oh, its not limited to CA. I've never taught K-12, but I've heard similar stories from people I know who teach K-12, though it varies widely from district to district and depends on what subject the person teaches. I have a sister-in-law who teaches 5th grade math and spends so much of her own money supplies for her classroom. She really goes above and beyond what some other teachers do, and if she didn't still live with her parents, I doubt she'd be able to afford it all. She's in her mid twenties, so she has a lot of energy and enthusiasm, but I always find myself wondering how long before the system burns her out. Same. When I really get immersed in a story, then I can manage to not look at social media for a while, but otherwise, it definitely sucks up a lot of my time. These are the best kind of stories though. The first novel I published, Power Surge, was something I dreamt up when I was 18 or 19 and it took me ten years to actually get it into a novel. I actually wrote and shelved an unrelated novel before I was able to finish it. I'm 32 now, and I still can't let go of that world (the same one Book of Mel is set in). I've written several unrelated ones, but I keep coming back to this world even if my publishing options for it are limited.

Ha ha yes. I kind of feel this way too. A lot of the stuff with the notes goes over my head, but I am completely okay with that. I really enjoyed this chapter. The trial and error and mastering of the anxiety was great. I loved WW's confidence in S. And the HoT is fascinating. Have you ever considered a novella set fully in the HoT? If you came up with the right plot, if could be fascinating, exploring all the different iterations and solving some kind of puzzle while in it. There were some great little details too, like how WW's species doesn't get headaches. The references back to Earth were great. Like S, I'd hardly remebered his time on Earth, so having that moment where he did remember things and used knowledge from his old job to actually to so something in the HoT was cool. I'm also sucker for ancient tech. The last line left me dying to know more. If you have the rest ready, I'd be happy to just read it all next week (or maybe this weekend) even if it doesn't all officially go through the group that week. I want to know how it ends. I guess I mostly just said what I liked and didn't really critique. But ah, it was a good chapter.

It came out very well! I'm a little uncertain about how I feel about E's loosing a little control again on the voices. I felt like she had such a good grip on that, and I wasn't entirely sure what prompted the slips here. A lack of confidence? S not being around? Moral problems with what they're going to ask the other Ari? None of the above? I loved how bold I was with the bargaining while E shrunk from it. The journey through the memories was fantastic. Back to the begining, I almost had a feeling that as they went back to the other facet, S was going to find a way to get to the original from the house of time (pure speculation on my part, more spurred by something in the last S chapter than this one). But after reading the next chapter S chapter, I changed my mind about that.

I am rooting W. If W does not survive, I will not be happy. The animals tend to be my favorite characters, and W is definitely the one I like the most right now. Regarding the rest of the story, there were some parts where the writing and description pulled me in, but there were also a lot places where I felt lost or like I was missing some important piece. In the prologue I felt like the tone of the conversation and interaction between the two characters felt really disconnected from the opening paragraphs with the mc watching the city burn. I was easily able to picture places and people, but I agree with @kais and @Robinski that there were issues about how the women were described. However, I don't really have anything to add that they haven't already said. Here are some notes I made as I read: At the end of The Song of the Spark, I was interested. It had me thinking and curious. I liked the prose. However, I thought that was the prologue, so I was a little confused when I got to the actual prologue "They had gone to far." Up to here, I was enjoying the prologue. . There was nice description and plenty of emotion. I wanted to know what happened and what was going to happen next. But then H showed up, and I felt lost. The emotion faded. Something about the tone of the conversation, the way she was described, and the way they interacted just didn't fit with the scene that had just been described. "...into his grey eyes." Would he be thinking about the color of his own eyes? By the end of the prologue, I just felt like I was missing something. In chapter 1, I was almost engaged, but again, I kept getting the feeling I was just missing some little detail that would help me put all the pieces together.

Yes, I would like to go June 8. If I take two weeks off in a row I might not start up again. Need to keep moving forward.

Yup. I'd like to go next week, June 8.

I'm just going to drop out this week and submit on June 8 instead of June 1. I still need to look over my chapter 1 more time before I send it, but I'm rewriting my last couple of chapters to account for changes I made earlier. I'd rather just finish this past on the last chapters before I do my final pass on 6 before submitting.

There used to be a couple maples near them, so there were too many roots in the area where the garden boxes are. Those boxes were so I didn't have dig through too many roots. Also, I can never get carrots to germinate in the natural soil in that area. They do better in the raised beds. I have tomatoes, peppers, summer squash, zucchini, butternut / winter squash, cucumbers, shallots, assorted salad greens, broccoli (which is not doing well), eggplant, soybeans, turnip, carrots, potatoes (in a trash barrel), strawberries, three apple trees, and a couple blueberry bushes. Later in the summer, when I look at my garden compared to my neighbors, or to my spouse's aunts, it usually clear that my thumb is not as green as theirs, but I manage. Every year there are a couple things that will just randomly die while other things grow uncontrollably. The area where stuff is directly in the ground is double the size it was last year.

My garden of chaos is finally mostly planted. Now I just have to keep reminding myself to resist the feeling that I need to fill the empty spaces with more plants, so the ones there have room to grow. Especially where there are seeds that are just germinating...I already probably have things too close together in some areas. Like that zucchini I threw into that gaping hole at the end of my strawberry patch...

I have another chapter ready that I could submit June 1, but if we end up with six people wanting to submit, then I will wait until June 8. I know @Mandamon has a deadline and @kais might too whereas I do not, and taking an extra week to catch up on the feedback I've already received wouldn't hurt.

I read the Five Hive. I only read the very last chapter of Journey. I believe the last chapter of Journey may have been my first week posting critiques in the forum. Having read Five Hive, I was able to really appreciate O's reunion with the hive. Not only was I excited to actually read from O's POV, but I felt some strong emotions in the scene. I felt like the hive mother was manipulating my emotions along with O's. Regarding the scene with the G: I had no problems with it. I was fascinated by it. The descriptions were beautiful and I liked the tension between Ri and the other magi with her, especially when one of them revealed the detail about the Elg being able to climb sooner than she wanted. It was amusing how she was complaining about P not being versed in negotiation even though zie actually seems to be doing a better job. I don't really feel like I am missing anything by not having read all of Journey. However, I think you have the bare minimum of hints between the version I read of book 2 and this version of book 3 to set up for this for someone who hasn't read Journey. The one thing that did leave me a little confused in that section though was the last line about negotiations not being as pleasant as the first time. I was almost under the impression the G didn't necessarily want or need to join, and I didn't get the impression that previous negotiations had been present based on the G we met in earlier scenes. As I read: "O..tried to keep..." Excited to be back in his POV. I don't think he's had a chapter in this book, and I don't remember much from his POV in 2 either. "...of the wall to cross." Does this mean their space spans multiple facets? Or are they talking about a different wall? "also seen the crystals hanging..." Maybe they have a Maji of the House of Matter. Also, thinking of the G possibly having house of matter, made me think of something I keep forgetting to comment on in the Re chapters. Am I correct to assume that at one point, the Sath... had a House of Time Maji? Perhaps the last one to exist in S's facet?

Hmm I liked the first part because it helped me understand how the symphony worked between the two instances. I also enjoyed the scene between M and O. While there wasn't a whole lot of new information in it, I really liked seeing how these two characters reacted to and processed that information. Keeping the first two parts ties something together that had seemed very separate up until now. The one I had mixed feelings about was E and I talking about potentially having kids with S. It was a nice scene, but it also distracted me from the main plot line. I'm guessing that is the one you said you want to keep though. My initial reaction had been "they're talking about having kids now when the world is potentially ending" but its not uncommon in stories like this and in some ways, keeping it where it is does raises the stakes. It also really makes me want I & E to get back with S. Even though there was less action in this chapter, I liked it. The last one with Re was pretty tense, so this was a nice change in pace. A calm before the storm. As I read "...leaned against another walls..." wall, not walls On page 5, I got confused. So, first there is "The rumor was, he had visited the Ari, though he had been nowhere near there" If I am reading this right, M had never visited the Ari. Had I or E posed as him to get into Gl or am I remembering wrong? Then, a little later His mobile ears gave away emotion. “Yes, I captured the ...eventful.” And the reason his knees were more painful lately. The first part about the mobile ears seemed like a tag indicating it was I talking, admitting to having impersonated M and then reminding him about the Ari assassins. But the later part about knees made it sound like it was M talking, saying he had visited the Ari when he just said he hadn't. Page 20 "He wished their boyfriend was here... ‘Boyfriend’ couldn’t encompass what they were to each other." I love this line so much! Page 22: "...did our family truly copied..." had...copied or did...copy

Yeah - I think Greco-Roman mythology is fair game. It's when you get into the stories of more marginalized cultures that you have really think carefully about whether or not you should be using it in your fantasy if you are not part of that culture. It doesn't necessarily mean you can't do it, but its good to really think about why you are doing it if you do enough research and hire sensitivity readers, but you definitely have to tread carefully.

I've gone through periods of researching Native American stories for novels and then either not writing them or quickly shelving them because native culture has been so abused and misused. I don't trust myself to do it right.

LOL that's okay. Interesting thing is that in public high school, in "Health" class, we learned about rent, bills, credit cards and other adulting things. And still, there are some adult things I've never done, like set up the internet...because at least at the time, it required a phone call... I get ridiculous anxiety about phone calls.

I'm happy to hear this! I'm very happy you are in the group!

You did not cause me any grief or stress! I like it when people call me out on things when I miss up or potentially propagate some kind of misconception. I'll have to think about this. She wasn't entirely isolated, so she might have a stronger reaction. However, in the overwhelmed state she is during that one scene, maybe not.

Agree! This too. I didn't realize the bee king was Fey.

To be honest, I was so engaged with this chapter that I forgot to make notes as I was reading. It's quick, it's tense, and left me wanting to read on. Maybe on of the best you've submitted so far. C's reaction was exactly what I thought it would be when I finally told her about the deal. I love how I is trying very hard to tell as much as she can without breaking the agreement and is worried about being spied on. However, given that concern, I'm wondering if bolting straight to C is the best idea. If she is worried about being spied on, wouldn't bolting straight to C's be a little too obvious? Yes, she should tell C first, before she even goes home, but running straight there seems like something that would make her new employer suspicious. I do like how it ends with the concern about S & T's potential involvement with the revolutionaries, and the risk I's new job could pose to them.

That's adorable! It looks like you were all having a ton of fun!

I'm sorry! I did not mean to dis homeschool. Mel was trying to derail the conversation and assuming her friends would have certain misconceptions. Mel's lack of a social life has more to do with her telepathy, her being unable and later, just unwilling to control it. Her mother wouldn't let her spend too much time around too many humans if she was reading their minds all the time. I'll think about how I can rework the conversation here so doesn't imply all home schoolers are isolated and not socialized. I agree that politics has nothing to do with good or bad homeschooling, and like you said, T has her own set of biases. Would it help if M had a stronger reaction T's comment? And to A's as well? I had a close friend who was homeschooled, and I was very jealous. There were times when I wanted to be homeschooled. I have a colleague who pulled her kids out of public school for a year to homeschool them on a road trip across the country, which was probably one of the coolest home school experiences I've heard about. This semester, in the tutoring center, I met a kid who was starting college at 14 because he was homeschooled. I had never meant to imply homeschool was a bad thing. They're off campus. I should make this clearer. Thank you very much for the feedback!