shatteredsmooth

I thought this was pretty good. Ri's POV was a good one to watch the battle from. There was plenty of tension and suspense, especially since the El had the upper hand. I loved how in this chapter and the previous one, we got to see the twins from two different views. They seem so powerful and strong through the eyes Re and Ri. The way they arrived, working together in one shape, carrying others between them As I read: "fingers trailing over the curved hook of this thumbnail" I love the little details like this "of light only maji could see" By now I think you can assume readers know only maji can see the light from the symphony. It seems redundant to say it now, so far into book three. "...revealing the chewing teeth and bright pustules on their underside" This image is terrifying. "now its purpose has been contaminated" did you mean "now that its purpose has been contaminated" ? The part with S was good too. I liked learning more about what the Nether was. I liked him using his anxiety to keep the voice out of his head. However, I feel like something is missing in that section. It's not all coming together right, and isn't quite as satisfying as I hoped it would be. When I got to the line Shake the tree so all the bugs fall off it felt like it came out of nowhere. The paragraphs and sentences leading up to it did not seem to build up to it in a way that would've lead me to figure it out as S did. I wasn't getting the tree metaphor from it. "...augmented as it did everything." I wasn't sure what you meant by this. Otherwise, I enjoyed it and feel like things are really coming together. Maybe this is part of why I feel like something is missing. Even WW seems concerned by what he is doing there, and I'm worried him breaking the Nether apart. He briefly thinks about it, but then just brushes it off. Very unconcerned with what he is doing. It's not just a newfound confidence but bordering on carelessness or arrogance. Is there a way to reassure readers that he is not just going to break the Nether? Or some reason he knows it will be okay for now? A reason he thinks it's okay to "mashing around with no strategy" as @Robinski puts it. This was not clear. To me, it more or less felt like he just got away from the voice, but didn't do much to really affect it.

I will certainly let you know if I ever do! And if you ever end up in the northeast for any reason, let me know. :-)

Overall, I thought this was a solid chapter! Re's voice was great and there was plenty to move the plot forward. At the very end of the fight, right before I and E showed up, I was having a hard time following what was going. The part that was hard to follow was after they talked about how they were masking their presence until they were running up the wall. There was a part when Re commented on N using something that wasn't the House of Grace. Was it Matter? I liked the way Re processed I's new appearance, and how it ended in acceptance. This is true. Maybe a little more of a feeling that they are being watched or the E could close in soon? I know the twins did something to prevent that, but if it was a little less secure it might be more tense? Or maybe if there seemed to be a little more threat for N before he decided to help? I'm just throwing random ideas out. Not sure if they're really good ones or not. Agree. I had this same issue. It didn't make enough sense to land for me. I got that N is agreeing to help out, but is it really the most important thing? I don't think it really closes the chapter that well. It didn't have the same impact that some of the other endings did.

I haven't seen much of it either...I've also never been to a different country. I rarely leave New England. I've traveled a little outside it, but I've never left the East coast. Someday, if it is ever safe again, I will get up the courage to get in plane and got to the Pacific Northwest. That's on my bucket list. And if I survive that flight, Ireland and the UK would be next.

I get what you're saying. I have an idea of how to fix it. I think the character motives need to be clearer and not switch around so much. I rewrote Ch. 5 a few times before sending it to the group. This line is actually referring to a previous iteration of 5. I just missed it when I was revising this chapter. I'll take it out. I just like to work in 1.5, and when I get edits back from NSP, it's always formatted 1.5, so when I write stuff in the Evanstar verse that I might send to them, I keep it 1.5. This will either go to NSP or get self published, so I'm working in 1.5. I can double space my subs though if it makes them easier to read. When I submit elsewhere, I do whatever the guidelines say. Usually that is double space (usually Shunn's standard manuscript format), but there are a handful of zines that have weird formatting requirements. There are a couple I used to submit to that wanted single space block formatting and one that had a really strange font requirement. That always made the submission process more time consuming... Anyway, I make sure I read the guidelines before submitting. I should not have used this phrase. So she's not a med student yet. Med school is graduate school. She's am undergraduate, still a freshmen. Pre-med tracks can vary, but are usually some type of biology degree. In her case, she's doing bio and psychology, but has a lot of transfer credits because she was taking college classes while homeschooled. I'm also assuming not all the credits transferred. I don't think MIT has transfer compacts with the MA community colleges, though I should probably look this up, and usually, if there is no transfer compact, some credits transfer, others don't, and in some cases, students can go through a process to convince the school to take specific classes. So she might actually be retaking some classes she already took. I never show her going to class because nothing happens there to advance the plot, though I can try to work in more references to say that she has gone to class, and more lines to allude to homework she has done. I saw this comment the other day before I finished revising the previous chapter, so I went back in and made more references to class and homework. Somewhere, I'll try to mention how she gets up at 5 or 6 every morning and goes down the dining hall where she does homework. She likes to eat while she studies, so she ends up there instead of the library. Okay, now I'm rambling. But I get what you are saying. I'll be careful with what words I use to refer to her as a student and make sure I acknowledge she is going to class and doing homework. And that this little night with Mi is going to mean she's cramming to catch up later. His device works, but it's not super precise, and he doesn't understand half of what it's showing him. This is fair. Of the love triangle? Of the whole book? Yes. But I won't say it here to avoid spoilers. I have next five years of M's life outlined in my head and notes as backstory for Power Surge, where she is a secondary character. I actually think knowing too much of her future is giving me a little trouble. And also causes a little guilt, because I'm not very nice to her in the PS and it's sequel. I thought I did, but in this particular scene, I think my idea of what he wants is a little fuzzy, and if I think more about it and figure it out, the chapter will be easier to fix. Thank you @Robinski and @Turin Turambar

That is fine with me. I should have a chapter ready for Monday as well, if there is room. I think it's going to be about 4,000 words.

She is in the cafeteria. She got up, went there to work on homework and eat, then fell asleep in her books. I added a few sentences to clarify this. Mel tends to do homework there instead of the library so she can eat while she studies. Thank you all for the comments! They were incredibly helpful and I like the chapter much better now that I've revised. Changed this so he tells her some of it, but not all since it is shown in the next chapter. So in the earliest draft, he was very concerned, and somehow, I edited that out before submitting. After reading your comments, I went back and added more so he is more concerned, and is trying to get her to talk about what happened before giving up and answering her questions about the paranormal. I have made M more involved in the flirting, and added more seductive finger licking. Homeschool talk is moved to the earlier part of the chapter where homeschool first came up. Speaking of homeschool, @Snakenaps and @Mandamon, I did make some adjustments to the convo to clarify the lack of a social life was not specifically because she was homeschooled. I also think adding the whole convo about it there helped address the issue too. I just completely rewrote this whole exchange so M is doing a lot more of the flirting, and M shows up and almost begs her to come with him. This is what I had tried to do initially, but it didn't come across right, but I think I understand where I messed it up. Hopefully my revisions show more respect and understanding for T, and more sadness and guilt on M's part, a sense of loss, that she is risking losing a chance with T. In the new version, when she leaves with Mi, she is not happy about it. And he notices. changed the texts. Happy to hear this! Revised this-- she liked P, but then as a bonus, got some info about Mi. We have not met her. I'll try to work more in. Probably because there had been a conversation there and I deleted it before I sent the chapter. LOL I thought about putting it back, but I ended up restructuring this scene so M never actually talked to these two. meant to say A sent a picture Fair enough. Took those out. I added a little more detail in that moment. Took this line out. But you do have a point. Like you mention later, it is more of a square than a triangle. Took out the possessiveness. As I mentioned in my replies to the others, I restructured this whole scene. It worked out that the possessiveness went away. I've reworded it based on this suggestion. :-) There is plenty more of it in this book. I skipped ahead a couple days. It seemed unanimous that the opening was a little confusing, so I've revised to clarify she is back at school, in the dining hall. I am tempted to just answer this, but it would turn into a rant, and I think it actually gets addressed in a later chapter. @Mandamon pointed out some issues with how I'm incorporating her dad, so I might be making some adjustments with it. Both of these things. They're just hunters. No fancy name. I can work a little more detail about it in. Glad to hear it! Yay! These comments had me laughing out loud. I skip quite a few big chunks of time in this book and stretch out from the first week of Sept. to Thanksgiving. @Mandamon got a little disoriented with the time jump too. When I revised Ch. 4, I made it clearer that a month had passed between Ch. 3 and Ch. 4, so hopefully, it will work better for future readers.

I like the "trying" part. I also try to grow vegetables. *looks at dirt still stuck under my finger nails even though I scrubbed my hands for a good five minutes* I 100% agree. No need to be sorry! I like your rants. The worst that ever happens is they inspire me to go on my own rant. Little details like that can make a big difference!

You can just jump in. I know those of us who are submitting books usually include little summaries of past chapters, so if you haven't read the previous chapters, you can still get a gist of what happened before. And in my case, I'd encourage you not to read my previous submissions because I've already made some significant changes to five out of the six chapters I've submitted recently.

Debt is evil. I've seen family and neighbors struggle with it, and try to avoid it as much as possible. My spouse and I have a mortgage on our house (but with the insurance and taxes rolled in, its the same or a little less than renting a 2-bedroom apartment in our area) , but that's it. Student loans are paid off. No credit card debt. Cars are paid off, though my spouse is getting close to 200,000 miles on his car, so that could change whenever he stops working remotely and starts having an hour commute again. :-( Yes! This. I like my little house, which is more or less solid now, though it wasn't when we bought it. We had to replace part of the foundation. This was one of the few things we didn't tackle ourselves. And when the masons or whatever they were were taking it apart, they found trolly parts instead of rebar in some places. Don't need a super fancy car. And my spouse keeps finding place to built new book cases, like under the stairs or recessed into the kitchen "closet" which once upon a time was actually a built in ice box. It even had a little door outside that the ice could get delivered through. I feel this way too. When I think about it, I lived with my parents until I was 25 or 26, so I was able to save a lot and when I moved out, it was when I got married, so I really have had it easy compared to a lot of people. You're welcome. But I ramble just as much sometimes.

I've never hunted, but I 99% of the meat I buy comes from local farms or at least farms in the New England area that humanely raise their animals. We get a "meat share" from a company that sources the meat from a network of farms and has very high standards about how the animals are raised and what they're fed. It is not budget friendly at all. It is a privilege and if I were living off my own income and not married to someone who makes more money than me, I could never afford it. Even so, if we had a bigger house, student loan debt, the kind of expenses some of our peers have, we probably couldn't afford it. A week or two ago, they sent out this email about how with the COVID-19 issues meat plants were having, their network of small farms was proving far more sustainable than the industrial farm system, and I was thinking "Sustainable for who?" The middle class and the wealthy. My family never would've afforded it while I was growing up.

@Snakenaps that cake is awesome!

Batman is adorable, and the painting is fantastic! I have a cat, and getting him to look at my phone or any camera when he doesn't want to is not an easy task.

Glad to hear this! Fair enough. I can find a better way to describe it. Wood shavings aren't exactly tasty. Hmm I will either take out the deception bit or up the guilt. Maybe both. I'm not quite ready to give up on my attempt at the love triangle yet. Maybe M will have to work harder to get him to talk about tech. Good question. I was trying to show that she was conflicted about it and maybe a little confused by her feelings, like she is falling for him even though she thinks its a bad idea, but that doesn't seem to be what's coming across. OK, this helps, and your break down of it is even more helpful. What I meant to show was her being incredibly confused by her own feelings and the situation. She's interested, but is really conflicted about whether or not she should be. Maybe if I make her actions a little more consistent, and try to describe her feeling confused, maybe make her a little more aware of her own conflict or confusion, it will help. I'll rework this whole exchange. You're right that he hasn't done anything to make her not trust him. In fact, I think a lot of their interactions would show he does respect boundaries. I'll revise so it is more two-sided sided conversation without the line where Mel "focuses" on his thoughts. I was trying to imply that did, but I'm thinking I'd need to add too much to explain it, so it might be better to just take it out. It wouldn't apply to most humans as most can't actually use or control their energy in the way M does, but it technically would apply to other types of hybrids. Granted, they can't heal if they're not part Angel, so it is rare for something like that to happen to them. Example: M's mom can't heal, but she as was briefly mentioned in the previous chapter that she can control fire. If instead of controlling existing fire, she were to use her own energy to create fire, she could exhaust her energy and die. Maybe I'll try to show her being nervous and excited about the invention in a different way. Yeah, she's not consciously trying to seduce him, but I can see how it reads that way. She is getting nervous about what was recorded, and the physical contact is more of a distraction or something to keep her grounded. I'll think about what I can change to make this clearer. Thank you @kais and @Mandamon! I definitely have a clearer idea of what issues this chapter has now. :-)

Feta and chevre have very different tastes and textures. I don't like feta at all. My spouse also loves pickles. He actually makes his own! Last year, my cucumbers did not do well, so I didn't let him pickle very many of them. Thankfully, he doesn't share my aversion to grocery store cucumbers.

Hi Everyone, There are a few places where I read and get strong, "this is really awkward" or "I know something is wrong here" but then think, "okay, but how the heck do I fix it? I don't know." Help! Please! There might be a few time-related things that seem off between the last chapter and this one. I'll try to resolve those once I finalize what I'm doing with the previous one. I've read the feedback on it but haven't decided exactly how I'm going to revise it. Is the part with the "old" video games too weird? I was laughing and making myself feel old while writing it, but am not sure if it really works or not. Otherwise, I'm open to whatever feedback you have to offer. Oh, and one more thing. So far, most chapters have had either all the potential love interests in them or none of them. But this chapter is just Mike. The next chapter will just be Ally and Tasha, but mostly Tasha. Thank you! -Sara Ch. 1 The night before classes start, Mel saves a guy from a Demon. Next day, she meets a cute girl in class and realizes the guy-she-saved is the TA (Mike). Ch. 2 (revised) Mel follows Mike, chats with him, reads his mind to find out he doesn't recognize her and talks to him way more than she planed. Later, she goes to a LGBTQIA mixer with her roommate, Ally, and the girl she met in class. Ch. 3 (revised) Mel meets Mike on a rooftop. Tasha has a skateboarding accident and breaks her arm. Mel and Tasha almost kiss. Mel heals Tasha's arm, but messes up and uses too much energy. Mel flees to her room, but Ally has company. Ch. 4 (revision in progress) Mel missed the masquerade because Mike's ghost hunter friends went missing. Turns out they summoned some demons. Mel almost died fighting them. (revising so the connection to Mike is clearer, Mel thinks about Tasha more, and enjoys the fight [expanded with improved blocking] more before everyone gets hurt). Ch. 5 (last time. still figuring out what I'm changing.): Mike said the ghost hunters are alive. Mel had plans with Tasha and Ally, but Mike ruined them. Mel went to a ghost hunter meeting him, but their office was empty, and then a possessed drive tried to run Mike over. Ch. 6 (this time). Mel is alone with Mike, and gets some answers from him. Ch. 7 (next time): Hurt feelings. A boxing match with Tasha turns spicy. <added something to chapter 1 to set up for the boxing>

I HATE pickles. I am very picky eater. Not as bad as when I was a kid, or in college, but still pickier than most adults. My spouse likes to tease me about only eating vegetables when they're locally in season. Like I will only eat potatoes that are from this one farm stand, or the ones I grew (using potatoes from that farm). I ate about 1 or 2 salads a month all winter, but have been eating "salad" almost every day now that I'm harvesting my own greens. Right now, salad = greens and local goat cheese, but I cannot wait for my cucumbers to grow.

LOL I like cheese much more now than I did when I was a kid, though I still like every other aspect of pizza better. Granted, I am a little obsessed with loading brie onto baguettes and loading chevre onto my salads.

Confession: I don't actually like a lot of cheese on my pizza. When I was younger, I actually used to take all the cheese off of my pizza.

Homemade pizza bagels!!! Big tray is getting frozen. Little tray is going in the oven for breakfast.

I revised this scene so there is more reaction from A. I also added a little guilt for M and really played up her exhaustion / being on the brink of passing out. Good idea! Changed. That was a good suggestion. Glad to hear it! Thank you for the comments!

Free and completely inexperienced with romance. Took this out. Took this out. Added more reaction and thought. Added a line earlier where she claims to know her arm isn't broken because she's broken bones before but of course she is wrong about her arm. Not in most US colleges. In a suit like this, there are usually two people to a room. In fact, usually you have to prove you have some kind of dissability that requires a single room if you are going to get one. This is one of the main reasons I commuted to college. Revised so she is aware of this, but I really played up her exhaustion so she isn't thinking clear, and she knows it, and she is on the verge of passing out, and needs to lie down so she doesn't fall and hurt herself. Changed the last paragraph completely. Thank you @Mandamon and @Robinski

Just did another pass on this chapter and adjusted her reactions to the girls' flirting, so she is more interested, but is struggling because she's not quite feeling the physical side of it yet, but thinks she will if she doesn't rush it. Clarified the reason-- combination of he is putting himself in danger and possibly putting other people in danger (somehow drawing Demon to campus with his experiments). It's kind of both. Changed up the dialogue a bit to clarify. Later questions gets answered gradually throughout the book. T is supposed to sort of be a foil to Mi. I think I improved this a bit in revision. Changed the text to her mom. I revised so its clear that M is interested in the kiss, but the healing compulsion prevents her from really even considering it, and following exhaustion makes it impossible for her to properly react to the threesome invitation. Revised so she is happy the girls swooped in and interrupted Mi then invited her to go with them. At this point, she is equally interest to both Mi and T, but feels like her interest in T is healthier, so she should pursue that, not Mi. Thank you @kais

No fourth thing. It's roughly 50%Angel 25% human 25% Elf. There had been a line about her thinking about how she read the access codes from someone's mind, but I left that out, not 100% if the door would actually have one or if it would just be a regular key. The pixies could've just borrowed a key for her to make a copy of and then returned the original. They're pretty sneaky little minions. I just looked at it. Fantastic. Yes, missing word. Just Sight. At least what she is capable of right now only works on sight. LOL He does have evil mastermind potential. Snickering because of the role his ghost plays in some short story I'm working on that is set about 300 years after this one. I'm not entirely sure if I'll actually ever finish it, but its in my head. I need to look up what kinds of dinning halls this college actually has. The college I did my second half of undergrad at had some that were all-you-can-eat and some that weren't. Thanks for the comments!

224,000?!?! That is a long novel! Though, I admit, the first draft of the first novel ever finished was close to that length. I ended up cutting it down to about 83,000 words then querying it a little before shelving it. I'm actually very happy it didn't get published. I had been writing out of my lane, hadn't done the right research, and at the time, didn't even know sensitivity reads were a thing. The project actually had a few things in common with your Q & M regarding the near future setting. It was way up in Maine (not quite Canada, but close). It had a slightly more paranormal vibe with an empath MC, a sentient old growth forest, and a psychic serial killer. Sometimes I want to go back to it, root out all the problematic elements, do my research, and get sensitivity reads. Other times, I think it's best to just leave it alone. I think it's the only real adult novel I've really finished. I'm not sure I'd really call my current WIP adult. I'm curious what everyone's thoughts are on returning to shelved projects. Do you ever do it? What kind of changes have you noticed in your writing? Have you ever gone back to something after leaving it alone for years and had good results as you returned to it?