shatteredsmooth

I'm the following week. Just putting it out there ahead of time to old myself accountable.

There is something accurate about your description of it. Each scene had its strengths, but there was a bit of a disconnect. The scene with S felt very detached from the rest. "...mind for the last four days. Beat. Meter..." I love how you linked the imagery to what's been going on in I's life. I loved your place holders. "musical musings" I am a sucker for alliteration "...trying to memorize the exuberant..." Nice moment "...guts to recognize the damage..." This line carried a lot of weight, and the description before it, of the damage the beach sustained, was a nice way to show the negative impact the BK had. "For business." Okay, I, sure. That's all. "R... That wouldn't be a name she forgot again." I also can't remember why it sounds familiar but think it sounds familiar. But I'm guessing that person was testing her to make sure she actually couldn't say the BK's name? Is that the spy we already met once? Who had their own POV chapter? In general, this chapter had strong emotions, and the atmosphere and setting was well described. There were great world-building details. I think the big-picture issue this book has that revolves around lacking a clear arc or through line is what is causing that disconnect I mentioned earlier. I think when you figure out and tighten up the overall arc, plots and subplots, things will come together more.

For the sake of holding myself accountable, can I request a spot in advance for Monday Aug. 31, to resume submitting BOM?

Hi @Alderant! Welcome Back! It's sounds like you've had quite the journey over the past year. I'm glad to hear that you seem to be approaching a better state and have learned so much about yourself! This group is a good place to be! I'm a nonbinary trans person (they/them pronouns, please), who also has ADHD. I'm somewhere on the asexual spectrum. I'm fully out in "real life" though I don't hide who I am online, so more people might know than I realize. The book I had been sending through the forum until maybe a month ago has a demi mc. I'll probably start submitting it again in another week or two. I'd gotten stuck with revision and took a break to work on something else. It will probably be back from hiatus in a week or two. I'm looking forward to seeing some more of your writing!

I'll pretend it's there. If you think it will be more helpful to get feedback on the new Ch. 2, send it to me. That way I'm not suggesting things you've already changed. I have a little more free time this week than I've had in a while.

The person she thought of with the powder? Maybe I misinterpreted that. I missed this completely, but if others didn't, maybe I had just read too quickly. Did you want to email me the updated version of 2? Or are you planning to send it to the group soon?

So I did read the first version, but for some reason unknown to even myself, never actually posted my comments on the forum. I do like this one better, though I feel like less actually happened to move the story along, in some ways. Mostly because you took out the ladies beating up N for hanging out with a Demon. I remember thinking maybe that was the inciting incident. The consequences of the attack were going to propel us past the point of no return. But now, most of this just seems like a routine meeting. A fascinating one, but still routine. To me, it seemed the improvements were that it was more focused, there was a little more tension, and N seemed to have a little more of a purpose. I liked how she was fishing for information, but afraid she would be too obvious. I liked the hint that she'd lost someone important to her. This actually made me think she was fishing for information because she was going to go and try to bring a dead person back. But then when R offered to take her to G, and she panicked about it, I thought maybe that wasn't the case. I think part of the problem is that I don't know why she needs this info. I guess I don't need to 100% know if you are making it a twist, but I want to be able to guess. Though, honestly, I'd rather just know what her motives really are. One issue I had with both this and the first version is that the first scene gave me the impression this was her first time summoning a demon, and it would be her first time interacting with one. Then, when the demon actually gets there, it turns out it's someone she knew well. This made me feel betrayed by the narrative and a little annoyed. I did enjoy the voice and the tension between the two characters. I'm almost expecting a romance to occur between them. There were a lot slips between first and third person. I noted some of them below. As I read (I'm reading on my kindle, so no page numbers) The first line starts in third person but has a "my" in it. "The low whine of electricity died down." Wondering if you could use this instead of saying the power went out. It and the other description would show it. "...neighbors could hear the racket..." Nice line! "His teeth...it's mouth..." He or it? "...empty compliments..." This line made me laugh! I like the voice! "She cursed myself" first / third slip "N... settled myself" another slip "...greed demon..." I like the world building here. It felt naturally incorporated. "...people around me..." slipped back to first "...me. For a moment he seemed..." another slip to first "She resisted the urge to change her shirt." At first, this line confused me. Then I kept reading and saw the humor. Sometimes I'm too literal. Near the end, when R says he has to work, he says the same thing too different ways. I'm looking forward to the next chapter. I'll post Ch. 2 either later tonight or at some point tomorrow.

You have a good point here, but I didn't notice when I was reading. I was just kind of caught up in the story and maybe not thinking as much as I should when I critique things. Anyway, I'm a fan of this group of musicians, and I liked the dynamic with them all and the perspective they offered on the BK. There is a lot of history and world building without much telling. It felt natural. "Dainty." Is this describing the dog musician? I am struggling to picture a dog playing drums. Does she hold the drum stick in her mouth? Hit the drum with her tail? Use her paws to step on pedals that make things hit drums? ...stifle her surprise... What was she surprised about? ...leave B... I wouldn't want to have to travel for a job I didn't want in the first place. "...how well do you know names..." Her answer was about how she knows them, not how well she knows them. I like that I clarified how she knows the chosen name, not the given name. The end seems more optimistic. I think once you pull the thread from the last chapter through this one, it will shape up nice! Looking forward to reading more! As a general note for the whole book, not just this chapter, I agree with @kais. The overall arc isn't clear. I know she's working towards saving the restaurant, but what else is going on? I think you could lean more heavily on the revolutionary thread, maybe.

I didn't make too many notes while I was reading. I thought there was some great emotion in this chapter and I liked the tension with the brother-in-law. When I is walking through the street, there are a couple listy sentences that end with "and more" or something similar. I'm not a fan of the "and more" type ending. "Re-the 'organization..." I wasn't sure what the "Re-the" meant. Was that an abbreviation for resistance or something? How would she knew which people were the rebels her family had ties to versus people lying about their name for other reasons? The end has me just waiting for something to go wrong, for I to be in a position where she has to make a tough choice involving Su and her husband. I was thinking it was to save C's, but I think that's only a piece of it.

The drawing is awesome, and hilarious.

For some reason, I was picturing pegasus had a horn, like a unicorn. Maybe it was because of the pegicorns in Onward.

This thread is fascinating, and I think everything has been covered in great detail, so I don't have a whole lot to add. @Snakenaps brought up some great points about feeding them. Could there be some magic very high calorie plant on the island that sustains them? Some annoying magic grass that grows to fast, so if it doesn't get cut or eaten it will be twenty feet tall in a week? And in regards to training or actually getting them to stay and not fly away: What if they were to bond with their rider? Can some people can telepathically communicate with them? Or maybe there is some residual magic some people have that lets them control or at least commune with them?

Thank you everyone! That was very helpful!

The views are stunning! If I ever travel to Northern Ireland, hiking there will be high on my to-do list.

I think if you are going for a grey character, then your at least heading in the right direction. I could see a grey character doing this. I could see a grey character being sympathetic in the ways he has been sympathetic. This makes things interesting! :-)

I have stuff on my laptop, and on Google Drive. My complete drafts for novels and novellas are backed up on my kindle. But I need to put them on the external harddrive that is sitting in my desk still in its packaging. ...although I'm not sure I can call it my desk anymore since my spouse has been working at it since March. I rarely wrote at it anyway. Mostly I just piled random stuff on it and stored random stuff in the draw. The living room is too dark for me. The screen porch is my office until it gets too cold. It has yet to get hot enough for me to actually go in the house and write. I just jump in the lake when I get too hot. OH, and speaking of air conditioning, my spouse took the filter out and vacuumed it. Some weatherstripping had fallen into it and dissolved, and it was also very dusty. No more fog machine impersonation. I guess it had never really been fog to begin with, but dust. It was just so humid that day that it felt like fog.

For the most part, I enjoyed this chapter. It was tense and feels like things are moving forward. However, there were a few places I was confused, which I will note below: "like an inkblot among the finery" Nice description! "...dragon god..." What about the fey thing? When did dragon gods come in? ...situation that must be addressed..." I was pretty confused about I jumping to conclusions about the kitchen. Wasn't the whole reason she was working for the BK because he knew what happened? I was almost surprised she didn't worry he'd found out she had relatives in the resistance or something about the contract being breached. "Az..." So did he lie to W about how I's name knowing power works? Like some of the others, I was confused as to why she said decay. "She had felt his magic..." I think it took me a little longer than her to piece together he was the unicorn from the restaurant, though looking back, it shouldn't have. There were several hints, and then the name...if I had read this and chapter 1 closer together, I would've put it together with or a little before I. "R..., do not reveal their identity..." So how does he know the name? Did I tell P? I might have just missed something. But this definitely implies he lied to W. "If you need to refer to that person, he or she goes by..." I would use they here since it is what you use for W/R everywhere else. "I... did not feel the...eyes..." Since this section was close third from I's POV, I'd take out that line. I don't think you really need it anyway. One thing I forgot to mention before-- when BK does the whole telepathic compulsion thing, I finally felt like he deserved to be the villain of the story. Up til that point, I thought he was misunderstood and I was sympathetic to him. But now he has shown a little bit of a villainous side. As usual, I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

I read this a few days ago and have been thinking on it before making comments, but I've run out of time. I had mixed feelings about the opening. All the information about Goblins right up front was useful and fit the fairy-tale type genre, but by the end of it, I was getting frustrated and wanted to just meet the characters and get to the actual story. However, you prose were pretty and the world you were building was fascinating, so even if I had been reading this in a magazine or something, probably would have kept reading anyway. Once we finally got to the main character, I was intrigued. Your goblin was fascinating. I wanted to spend more time with him and the girl he rescued. My only real complaint about those scenes were that they went to quickly. I'd just be started to settle in and get a feel for things, and then it was over and we were onto the next scene. Slow down a little. Maybe even add a few more hints about how he is changing even if he doesn't realize it. The end was too abrupt for me. The girl getting taken away felt really rushed, and initially left me a little confused. I didn't love switching POVs after that. I understand she made him human and her getting taken away, probably killed, made him a monster, but I don't like it. If I step back and look at it objectively, it would work find if you just took a little more time with the middle and end. However, I generally prefer stories with happy endings, so I was pretty grumbly at the end of this one. Of course, there are plenty of readers who would prefer this kind of ending to a happy one. But I'm not one of them.

Thank you! I agree! Luckily, the last thunderstorm brought to temp down outside, so we have the windows open and the fans on. It's about 75F (23.9C)...with a lovely 88% humidity. Tomorrow won't be too hot, but by Sunday, if this one is not back in working order, we'll be buying a new one.

The downstairs window unit air conditioner decided it was tired of being an an AC and instead, it was going to be a fog machine.

The downstairs window unit air conditioner decided it was tired of being an an AC and instead, it was going to be a fog machine.

OK, I might have done a little happy dance on my couch when I saw the "they/them" pronouns in W's POV. Give me ALL THE THEYS! Now that I have that out of my system... I am eating a snack, because this chapter made me hungry. The descriptions of the kitchen were so detailed. I could not only picture all of it but feel I'd love and appreciation for it. It was easy to get swept away in it all. I did think it worked much better this time ending with I knowing a name, then switching to the POV of that person. I'm really hoping to get more W chapters. That little bit you sent showed me they are a fascinating character. I loved how their voice was very distinct from I's. Some as I read notes: "Although they were originally...P smiled as she..." I love the fact that Pem extended the kitchen time, however, this line and at least a couple that follow still feels like it is in P's POV even though it looks like you mostly took her POV out. "...eyes rolled back in rapture..." I relate. I am hungry. "...updating employee records..." Good end to the chapter. It left me rightly thinking that the person's name wasn't the one on record. "...when they questioned her family..." I felt a little disoriented for a moment, trying to figure out why this person was questioning I's family. Eventually, it clicked. "...or even W's gender..." I mean, they don't have to even have a gender. "...wore pronouns as fluidly as they wore..." I like this! "...if W is more you than the name you were born with, then yes, she would know you as..." This is good to know. I hope BK is right about this. I won't have to worry about I might unintentionally dead naming anyone "What did you find out about the crystal?" Crystal? This is interesting. Looking forward to eventually hearing more about what this crystal is and what BK wants with it. "...a tone tan suggested..." Did you mean "that suggested" ? "...door, she knew, that lead to the B K." Ahhh noooo you can't just leave me hanging. I want to know what happens when she meets the BK!! In other words, you picked a great place to end the chapter. I think @Ace of Hearts is onto something here. There have been plenty of times where things in the castle have really weighed on her, and the kitchen is where she mostly forgets it. However, I think having it even hit her here, maybe with the cinnamon, would be a powerful character moment and lend more purpose to the scenes leading up to knowing W's name.

I know. I have so many other things on my to-read list that I think I am going to wait until after Battle Ground comes out so I can just read them straight through like they actually are one book.

Hi! Junk Junction is a paranormal middle grade novel that I sent through the group last year. After revising based on the group's feedback, I had three beta readers look at it and revised again. Now, I'm almost ready to query. Since most query letters are often accompanied by the first 5, 10, or 20 pages of a book, I want to make sure my opening chapters are as polished as they can be, so I'm submitting them one more time. I'm just sending these two, not the whole book. Next time I submit, I should be back to my other WIP. For once, I actually want sentence-level feedback. I'm open to making some content changes, but what I really need help with this time around is editing. Thank you!

To Be Read. I probably should have said TBR pile or list. I may even be using the acronym wrong. I do that sometimes. That is a good way to look at it. I'm curious to see how the next book is after all the years he took off. He had a huge influence on the first couple books I wrote. I don't know if you read his other searies, Codex Alera, but my dog (Tavi) is named after a character from it.