shatteredsmooth

I read this a few days ago and have been perpetually forgetting to come and actually make my notes. Alas, I am finally here. I kept thinking this was a first chapter, but would then look up and see it was 10 and 11. I have not read any of your other submissions, so I have no clue what comes before this, but I felt like it was a fine point for me to jump in and start reading. I very briefly skimmed through some of the other comments and saw people suggesting this be a first chapter. I think that's good advice. It introduced a character I could get behind and started to set up a plot. After reading this, I'd be interested in reading on. However, there is still plenty of room to improve it. It would be good if the mc had a little more agency throughout the chapter and clearer wants. She took initiative in the begining, but then was very passive for the rest. I get there isn't a whole she can do, but I would love it if there was a little less other people talking and a little more of her reacting, and maybe asking questions. But even just more reactions, more of her thoughts of all these talking people and more feelings, could go a long way. I did get very overwhelmed by all the information both the character and the readers were bombarded with. However, I'm not going to make suggestions about which pieces to cut becuase I don't know much about the story. Keep the most essential things only, and leave the rest for later. I would like to get a little more of an idea of what she wants. Getting away from the people who enslaved her was good, but she did that, or at least she seems to have. Now what does she want? Even if she doesn't 100% know that's okay, but if it could be hinted at more, from her thoughts, not from other people saying stuff, it would go a long way.

@Moshi Welcome!! I've always daydreamed and made stories in my head too. I was very inconsistent about it unil after I was out of grade school a few years and settled into a job and house that I finally started to consistently write them down and I have not stopped since.

When I started reading the EU books, I was about 17 or 18, and I happened to jump into the series when the solo kids were teens. I loved those books. I did eventually go back and read some of the earlier books, though I admit, I never read the Thrawn trilogy. Maybe one day I will. Very much this. I admit the prequels were what actually got me into Star Wars to begin with, though once I watched the original trilogy, I liked it better. But when it comes to the newest movies? I wanted to like them. However, I could not let go of the old EUs thriving New Republic and all the trials it endured. I couldn't let go of the second generation of Solos and Skywalkers. I hated seeing Han and Lei split, and Luke in self-exile.... If I had never read the EU, I probably would've enjoyed the new movies a lot more. I really have been enjoying the Mandolorian though, and think that, aside from EU books, is one of the best Star Wars creations yet.

I thought so too.

So you asked for mental health POV critique. I have a lot of mental health issues. And I am a grumbling after reading this chapter. There were some relatable moments that hinted at anxiety and/or depression, but then there were the intrusive thoughts about murdering people. And you have to be very, very careful with this kind or thing...sometimes it's better to just not write it. The idea that mentally ill = dangerous and murderous is a huge problem and I'm a little worried you might be perpetuating that by implying this character's mental illness makes her want to kill people. And it's one thing to just have intrusive thoughts. It's another to need to hide the scissors so she doesn't murder her sister. This is he type of thing where I'd say if it is something you've lived through and need to see represented in fiction, then go ahead and write it, being as careful as you can be to not perpetuate the stigma. Maybe balance it out with a character who also has mental illness but does not think about killing people. Otherwise, honestly, if you haven't lived it, I'd say please don't write a character who's mental illness makes her want to hurt people. Please don't contribute to a harmful stigma. Anyway, think carefully about why you want to show this specific kind of mental illness. If it is only for plot purposes, please consider changing it. However, if you have more personal reasons, I can understand writing it and keeping it. Just be careful. Regarding religion, I love it when fictional words have their own religions, and while I felt like there was a lot of information about religion in this particular chapter, I think you can get away with that in a later chapter assuming that by now, the reader would be fully invested in the story. As a whole, I was interested enough to want to read more. I do think the chapter could be trimmed, and the voice could be stronger, but I was fairly engaged considering I jumped in without having read anything else in the book. Here are some thoughts I had while reading: "Most days...not been most days." Valid mood. Right away, I connected with C. "especially then...recoiled..."I kind of snickered at this. An engineer wanting to see her creation go down in flame. But then I remembered the "human trial part" and slightly adjusted my feelings about this. I'm cool with characters who like things blowing up and don't care about people getting hurt. I'm not cool with mental illness being blamed for it. "slightly overweight" Can you use a more concrete, description here? Slightly overweight can mean different things to different people. "ramming one of her pens..." So on my first read, this didn't really feel like an intrusive thought to me. It jut felt like she was annoyed at him and maybe a little evil. But after I read on and re-read your email, I started worrying this was what you meant when you mentioned mental illness because this is the kind of thing that perpetuates the stereotype that people like me are dangerous to other people. "He had kind of been asking for that one." I didn't get what he was asking for. "She really was crazy, wasn't she?" Who is thinking this? Something threw me off here. "They had to keep it locked; there was a pair of scissors." Again, this is another line that really bothered me because of how it implies mental illness = dangerous potential killer. "And everyone was just so sparking happy. How did..." Very relatable. I think this a lot, especially when I'm depressed. ...make his own new religion..." this made me laugh. Even though it was a bit of an info dump, I was intrigued by the religion. Very grumpy at D wanting to "fix" C with religion, but I was mollified by C recognizing that wasn't right. The mind wandering in church was relatable, though I think it was labeled a little too strong. I feel like there is something missing in the second chapter, in-terms of arc and structure, but I'm too hung up on the bad mental illness rep to really think about it.

@Robinski I was going to preface mine with the same thing, and I don't really remember S either. It's been a while since I read the trilogy. I did not read the collection of shorts. And when I read the trilogy, it was one of those read each book in one or two sitting things so I do not remember quite as much as I would had I critiqued. I remember A, E, Y, and N, but many of the other characters are fuzzy. With that being said, here goes my crit: Through the first paragraph, I was thinking, "okay, it's a planet, so what? Why do I care." Then I got to "Yesterday, it had exploded" and I was like, yes, I care now. I want to know all about the exploding planet. "I'm Wearing Shoes, Dammit" You make the best ship titles. "her boyfriend..." Was not expecting a m/f couple in the first chapter in one of your books. "determined to die with contraband in his hold and whisky on his breath" okay, now we have voice. "survived several wars, a genocide, and the perpetual smell of Y's coffee... The trees, well. They still whispered, even in the middle of space." More good voice lines. "A and E will explode my head..." LOL I want a "gassy bean bag chair" "N...went off in search..." You left a letter off of his name. "before you fly us to..." I loved the exchange between A and Y here, how so much was conveyed without her saying a word. Overall, I have mixed feelings about this. It does clearly set up for a plot, but I feel like there is more backstory than anything else, like the narrative was trying very hard to remind of important things I may have forgotten, or to quickly fill in new readers. I'm okay with info dumps like that eventually, but want to be invested in the character first and in this, I felt a little like the backstory was overshadowing the character. I'm not fully invested in S yet. Sometimes the voice was strong, made me laugh, and pulled me in, but other times it was distant. I agree. 100% agree. There is too much. And an old reader who forgot a lot, it actually hurt more than it helped. It made me focus too much on trying to figure out what I remember and what I don't, which prevented me from immersing myself in the story.

My overall reaction to this is that you have some gorgeous imagery and feelings but very little actually happens. As I read: "Her bleary eyes were echoed in..."Last night I read this line twice and didn't get it. Re-reading it now, it makes sense. "Too much, too soon" I'm wondering if starting somewhere close to here would be a better opening point for the chapter. "How she loved them." So far, good emotion. For a good stretch, the arrival and the first part of the journey, J was hardly mentioned or thought of. It was like he was almost non-existent. Seeing I thinking about intentionally avoiding him would've added tension, but at least from what I remember reading, it didn't really seem like that was the case. "J... was the same, all lazy smiles." Finally! But it also seems like a passing mention. It wasn't as tense or awkward as it could've been. I didn't expect him to be awkward, but I was expecting more awkwardness from her. Also, this is just a random thought that's been stewing, but how old is he? You have mentioned it already, but I can't remember. I get the impression there is a bit of an age gap though. Part of it may be that their life experiences are so vastly different. She is innocent and sheltered and close with her family. He's been through a lot. "The horses, mules, unicorns and bovines finished their meals and were hooked back up to the wagon." Are the mundane or civilized ones pulling the wagons? This is one place where capitalization could clarify things. "Irene spent the hours walking with J..." not the awkwardness I expected of her and a bit anti climatic. "small bronze hair pin" For some reason I am suspicious of the puzzle and hair pin. Is there some rebel code in the puzzle? Is the hairpin going to be used in some future escape? "Morning turned the world gold..." An example of one of my many gorgeous lines you have in this chapter. "The antsy, lack of pattern echoed her own feeling" Now we are getting somewhere. This line carried a lot of weight and the kind of feelings I felt were missing up until now. "Um, you know how I...'" I completely misread this line the first time through (100% my own fault, not yours ) and thought she asked him if he had realized she kissed him and started laughing out loud before realizing that was not actually what she said. "There's no place that this..." This felt like it was out of nowhere. I think she maybe thought stuff like this at some point in the story, but in this chapter, no thought like this has crossed her mind (unless I missed it which is entirely possible). J is very quick to try to convince her otherwise, and she agrees pretty easily. I liked the next kiss, and L's eventual interruption. However, this was the last and biggest thing in the chapter, and there really wasn't much buildup. It felt like most of it was I just getting swept up in everything that was happening around here without really doing anything herself. At first, the next chapter felt very similar to the last one, only without the little bit of tension the acknowledgment of feelings scene brought. I didn't really make line by line notes. There were a lot of beautiful descriptions but I just kept waiting for I do to something or take some kind of action and not much happened. Then we switch to M and A/BK. I liked you referring to him as A in his own POV. Something about that felt more natural and made him feel more real somehow. I didn't get as strong a sense of his emotion in this part than I have other times you used his POV. Can you work a little more reaction and motive? Why does he want this thing he is going after? I want to know from his POV, what justifies the kind of mind control magic he is using? Also, I'm assuming this is the real reason he needs I's power? Yes, other magic is better with names, but his mind control stuff is more potent? Could he do it without the name? I'm thinking no, but I'm not sure. Can you give I a more specific goal to work towards through this journey? Can you spread out the tension with J? Can we get a little deeper into A/BK's head?

Sounds good! Take your time! I'll have more time to read at the end of the month anyway.

I'm okay with it. I haven't read the other stuff you submitted because I had to take a break from the forum (but i'm back now), so it will seem out of order to me no mater what. Also, if you have an updated version of the early chapters you subbed, I'd be happy to read them at some point this month.

And I am a 32-year-old child who eats cookies for breakfast. I think at 20 I was probably less mature than Ir.

So, in some ways, this felt more like a complete short story than it did a novel chapter. With some work on the arc, I think this could actually stand on it's. The end of the chapter felt like the end of the story. It didn't leave me with something to propel me to the next chapter. However, since it says "chapter 1" I'll critique it like a novel chapter, not a short story. Despite the gruesome nature of the opening, the imagery drew me in. You somehow managed to make blood and gore pretty. The main character fascinated me and I wanted to knew where all the blood came from. There was a minute where I thought he was some kind of vampire who killed everyone just so he could have the village, but when it was described as abandoned and the corpses were old, which implied he found it that way. "He could deal with the dead well enough, but the living were a whole different story." This line tells me a lot about the character and in some strange way, makes him feel relatable. Not because he is comfortable with the dead, but because people are just hard to deal with. "The two headed deep into the forest..." For someone reason I had thought they were going to go look for livestock, based on an earlier line. "Surrounding the two young men." They don't seem young to me. They actually felt sort of ancient. Like vampires, except they're not because they need to hunt and gather. "His gaze found..." This is type of phrase my instincts say not to write, but I'm not sure if it's because I actually don't like that style phrase or because I've been told not to write like that by so many different people. "His hand gripped the blade like a mother holding a child..." Not a fan of this metaphor. At this point, I'm waiting for something to happen and sort of loosing interest. Everything feels very routine, like they always find abandoned villages full of dead people and this is just a slice of life. This is something I think tends to work better in short stories than opening chapters of novels. "Evergreens in winter, naked without their coats of thin needles." This confused me a little. Aren't evergreens called evergreens because they keep their needles and stay green all winter when other trees loose their leaves? In my area (coastal New England), the trees with needles still have needles in the winter. But maybe this is a completely different kind of tree? @kais is our resident tree expert. OK, I stopped being lazy and googled it. The Internet tells me there are two kinds of pines that lose their needles in the fall. I learned something new today. "No sense in dwelling on what you couldn't change." There has been lots of introspection. But in a novel opening, I want something to happen first and have introspection later when I am more invested in the character and the stakes. Speaking of stakes, I do not know what those are yet. I don't really get a sense of what K's wants and needs are. It's hinted at, but at times, he also seems content. I don't have a strong enough sense of what he wants at this point, and I need that to get invested. "A figure, crawling..." OK, now maybe something out of his ordinary is happening. Good. In the scene with the woman, she goes from barely being able to make a sound to saying a lot of words very clearly. That pulled me out of my suspended disbelief. It was also a lot information told all at once. Maybe it was a little more than necessary, even. "Yeah, probably safer that way." There were times when the dialogue felt sort of formal, like it was from a different world, which works because this is fantasy in a secondary world, but then there are times like this when it feels very modern. Eventually, when you get further along in the writing process, it might be good to do a pass focused on the dialogue and make sure the style is consistent throughout. K's reaction to the burning flesh was not what I expected and it raises a lot of questions about his past. "A smell that you never truly forget no matter how long it's been." There is so much meaning in this one line, yet something about it feels like a end. This, combine with the slice of life, albeit slice of a strange, lonely gruesome life, is what made me think this could be a great short story if you revised focusing more on giving K a complete arc with in the confines of what happens. However, he is certainly an interesting enough character to stay with for a whole novel, and you have set up for zombies and maybe a mystery of trying to figure out what killed all those people and/or what created the zombies in the first place. I guess this sort of feels like it's in limbo between short story and opening chapter. To make it feel more like a novel, I need a clearer idea of what K wants and needs, and what is at stake if he doesn't get it. I'd want the women to show up sooner, and for some of the introspection to be saved for later. If this is a chapter, I want to end on more of a cliff hanger. Still, I am looking forward to seeing where this goes and hope you do submit the next chapter next week!

I love these kind of montage lines. OK, you do make a good point there. I would like more details describing this scene.

I am not sure what I think of this chapter. At some parts it feels like nothing is happening but it also feels like a lot is happening. There wasn't much tension in the back to the music scene. And something about it felt too familiar. And for some reason, I thought we already knew how long the tour was. The time jump in the chapter threw me off. For me, I would've liked if the jump was between chapters, not within chapters. When we got to the party, I felt like I was missing something. I know a lot of time had passed, but so much felt unresolved in the wrong way. I wasn't ready to jump ahead that far. I would like it better if whatever you do when you revise the previous chapter makes it end on a note where I feel like there is some resolution to the arc of an act, but still plenty of tension left to keep me moving forward. I think you have the pieces set up for that, but they just didn't fall together right. I'm not convinced the goodbye party chapter starts in the right place. The conversation with mom did have some decent emotion, and updated me on the S situation, but I was stumbling a bit. The S situation wasn't necessarily what I cared about right away. Same with the following summary. Seeing C's was a nice milestone and brought me back to where it started. The food imagery made me hungry and wanting for something more substantial than the m & ms I was munching on. A lot of the party felt like a blur. Parties are blurs, but I wanted more moments to zoom in on. Could the conversation with her mom have happened during a lull? After it's already started, maybe I brings up S? Can you write more about S and J dancing? There was a lost opportunity for the romantic and physical tension to build there. The kiss on the cheek was adorable. I loved the last lines in the chapter, especially the "why hadn't she gone for the lips?" I have mixed feelings about how I ran away. To an extent, it seemed like something I would do. But it also seemed a little too abrupt. We didn't to see any of J's reaction, which bugged me. Would I notice more about how he reacted when she tucked the flower behind his ear? Would she have been studying his face? Thinking more about him? Can we linger a tiny bit more in the moment where she does kiss his cheek before she runs away? Can she catch a glimpse of his reaction, a little more than just his head turning, before she runs away? There is also a part of me that wants to yell at her, "oh no you don't! Get back there and talk to him!" Or maybe more like, "Okay, Katie. Didn't you have words for me when my characters avoided sharing their thoughts and feelings, but now yours is LITERALLY RUNNING AWAY." Yet, on some level, the running away worked. I think it just happens a little too fast. Maybe the problem with most of this chapter is that it is too fast. I'm saying slow down and bask in the moments. Watch the others come in and say the opposite.

So I read this on Tuesday, and am just typing my comments now. Ch. 27 "If this was the end of the contact" Did you mean contract? After the whole interaction with BK, what he says about how the assassin would've gotten caught anyway, and how he is immune to poison, I understand why you picked that to be the rebel's method of attempted assassination. It's a convenient way to show his immunity and it also alleviates some of the guilt for I, even if she doesn't fully admit. There is no doubt that person would've been caught. But I figured that the second I learned about the poison. This makes me think the revolutionaries are naive, incompetent, and don't stand a chance. And if that is what you are going for with them, then it works. Overall, I really enjoyed her interaction with the BK. I liked how once again, he defied her expectations, and how the choices he gives her will increase the tension. Ch. 28 The interaction between I and J was cute, and I can see the romantic tension growing between them. I'm wondering if he is actually more aware of it than she is. Seeing her vent about her sister to him is good, but I'm wondering if there is room for more of that. In some of the crits for the other chapters, I remember people having trouble with S and the revs as a whole. If you aren't changing some of the flaws with S and the revs, this or a similar conversation elsewhere could be a place for I and the narrative voice to call out some of the problems. I's frustration and conflict certainly came through. "...die at sixty..." That sounds so young but I can see why it might be the case in that world with the level of medicine it has. Still, I don't fully picture 60 as "wrinkling." I did get a little confused in the conversation with the family. I re-read and kept feeling like I was missing something about why S was mad at N and L. I get why she is pissed at I, but I feel like I missed what the brothers did to earn her ire. I have to admit, I was less engaged in this part than I was when I was with BK and then J. However, I did like the part where N asked about why they compared enemies to F and Irene though "because it makes them easier to kill". Then when it switched to gossip about the red-headed girl, I was less interested. I'm wondering if the family scene really needs to be there or not. I'm assuming I was drawn back in when I got to the next scene with the O. I didn't make any notes there. I thought it was cool to learn more about how her magic worked. However, I feel like this might have been useful to have earlier in the book. Though I suspect I may have been hostile too it if it came sooner, so I can see why it's here and not earlier. There was one short section with her out on the street, and she noticed forces leaving, but that scene didn't seem to have a beat, and then we get a fragment of one with her back to the musicians, but it felt a little like a fragment. It was just a few paragraphs. Overall, it seemed like the chapter started out strong, but then fell apart as it went on. When I see it as a whole, it almost has a full arc, but it doesn't fully land.

I've learned just as much from critiquing as I have from getting feedback. The group functions better if people do more than the bare minimum. With a few exceptions, if I don't have time to read all the things people are submitting, then I won't send submit my own work. The exceptions are if there is an ongoing story I just don't like for personal reasons and don't feel like I can give objective feedback, or if it has content I'm not comfortable reading or may find triggering.

I wouldn't mind reading extra. There have been plenty of times when you're submissions have been way under the limit, like only 3,000 or 4,000 words, so in my mind you have credit to go over a little this time. But it's not up to me.

These chapters were great. There was a ton of tension, forward movement, and emotion. I was very disoriented at the begining because I didn't recall any hint of her having been assigned guard duty or learning that it was even something she could potentially do at the palace. When it was finally explained, it all made sense though. Seeing I not even hesitate to give the name was interesting. The way the ram attacked and ran cued me in pretty quickly that he had bad intentions and was done for. I love how I is thinking of S while getting treated, wanting to help with her injuries, and hardly has a spare thought about whether the ram was with the revs or not. Overhearing the detail about people speculating about the BK thinking of conquering the fey lands was interesting. I was a tiny bit confused about the end results of I's convo with P. I almost want a little more between I leaving and then coming up with the plan. I kind of wanted to see her thought process as she came to that decisions. I apparently did not make any more comments in my kindle after that. I thought the imagery around S showing up was very powerful. I's reaction to the execution and S was full of emotion and tension and seemed spot on for I. This. S really rubs it in to I that this is her fault, that she is responsible for this dead. I can't tell to what end S is being naive or whether she is just being downright manipulative and cruel because that ram's mission seemed doomed, seemed like a suicide mission. Even without I, did anyone really think poison wine was going to work? I assume BK has people check for poison. If they thought that was going to work, they're not very effective rebels. And if your intention is to show that, it's fine. But I think the others make some valid points about S and the revolutionaries. But as far as I, her actions, emotions, and reactions? You nailed it.

With reading this and the chapter after, I almost feel like you went from padding the story with too many moments and too much description to moving too quickly from one scene to the next. As I read: "Like two pieces of fragile pottery..." This line was beautiful and full of emotion. The background information revealed about was interesting, but I can't quite figure out what I thinks of it. I want to know a little more about her reaction. "Her house stood lifeless..." This does not bode well but it does create good tension. I'm worried about her family. "...foundations if everything...cracked and crumbling" Beautiful and full of emotion. a side street. "Bless..." "...sewed the first stitch." When I got to the end of this section, I felt like it had gone a little too fast. There could've been a little more in the moments. I agree with the others who express frustrations about I giving the guard too much money, and how they got home and T was just there. I wanted for time between I and S, more tension and arguing while they looked for T. But otherwise, this chapter was fantastic. It was tighter and moved the plot forward much quicker than some of the earlier ones.

I agree. I think it would be good to focus on S and W and leave General W out. I didn't think his POV really added much. It was nice seeing things from S's perspective for once, especially seeing her with a sword and away from her family. In both scenes, there were lots of feelings, but they did seem a little inconsistent. I loved the M POV. As I read: "The incoming rain...Like a bruise." You are always rocking the imagery when you write about the city. "time to turn chaos into order." This was an interesting POV with some details about BK, but I don't really think it was necessary, especially since later, W hints at General W and BK having a history. And for some reason, I am mentally 'shipping BK and GW. I don't think you hinted there was a romantic background, but suddenly, my brain is just making one up. "waited for W to do something spectacular..." I loved the different ways they saw the BK vs GW. They revealed a lot of character about GW, maybe more than we got even from his POV. "The Rev never had a chance..." this seems to contrast her earlier emotions and thoughts with very little to actually show the change. "The BK had to die." Nice ending to the scene!

I love sprints, though I find they are more fun with a group of people than alone. Well, virtual group, anyway.

Nice to meet you!

That's because I had revised that chapter between submissions. Confusion is understandable. Will take some of it out. This is now changing. She is going to leave with Ally and Tasha. I have now rewritten the previous chapter so he sees all the messages as Mel is reading. LOL OK, good point. I was thinking he hadn't really seen the blood yet. I def need to reowork this a bit. He hadn't because she attacked first, but I changed up that fight scene a bit, so she doesn't attack first, and now her father shows up in the begining of the chapter. Thank you everyone for reading! This chapter is getting a bit of an overhaul. Planned revision include Mel being a little more coherent, seeking comfort in A&T more than a distraction, and leaving the party with them, which will lead into me writing new stuff that does not exist yet in my current draft, something I seem to do every time I get to this point in a rewrite. The drinking part is also going away.

Me!! Probably. I actually outlined something a while back, that I'm planning to write. I'm a still alive even though I haven't been around much. Brain has been misbehaving. Online teaching takes over. I write, and then it's time to sleep and I never get to the crits. I'll be back eventually. I'm shatteredsmooth on NaNoWriMo.

As I read" "the city was a great lumbering...to spring" I loved this line. So charged, such a vivid image. "...best to ignore S's sharp glare." OK, maybe this section had a little too much summary and not enough in the moment. If it is important enough for this big a summary, maybe you need a seen. If not, can you work in an abridged version? Like later, when I gets to the castle to work, and see's J and/or some of the others, and some small piece of this crosses her mind, just enough thinking about it to know they've been hanging out? When she is out with J in the crowd, in the paragraph starting "H..'s day was..." and ending with "had the same concern," felt a little repetitive with her worrying about him.There were some tense moments when I expected something to happen, but then nothing happened. I felt a little mislead. The section that starts with Onser was a tense start. I can really feel the tension, like the city is a character. I particularly loved the lines "like a living, pulsing snake....lending their voices" Same thing about the rain line ending in "pelting hide and hair like daggers." "her city didn't stand a chance" This section was beautiful and felt like it was building to something, but then we got a "two days later" before anything major happened. I almost think there might have been more tension without the POV shift, but I also like so many things about it, how it adds depth to BK, especially when we doesn't let the merchants "weasel him not laws beneficial for their pocketbooks." This was one of my favorite BK scene so far. It was tense, full of emotion, moved the plot forward...but did overshadow I a little. "C' were begining to be able to find relief..." Is this something that changed since you first started submitting this? The chopping onions scene was so full of emotion and so I, and I loved it, but Irene hasn't done anything at all in the last few chapters. Had she done more stuff, had she tried to get out and failed, then this scene would be fantastic. But I hasn't done enough, so it falls flat.

The recap is now gone. I removed that whole first page of summary, and changed the way the previous chapter ends, so they are not mad at her. There is more communication. However, I think I'm reworking future chapters so M tells A & T, but Mike figures it out from her phone. Good idea! I think this confusion is a product of me jumping around. In the original version, this chapter was her going to save her mom, then she took her car back to campus after. So she doesn't have the Jeep. It's up at her mom's house. I kept it, but changed how it ended a bit, so they are a bit more understanding. I'll work on this. I brought the big bad into an even earlier chapter, so I think that will help me work on the dialogue here. I have a better idea of the demon's motives now, so hopefully I can patch the holes you pointed out now. Thank you @Silk and @Robinski!!