shatteredsmooth

There is already a lot of feedback and I am really late, so I'll keep it short. I liked seeing how and why this characters was going to be getting in Ek's way. I get a general sense of T's motivations. However, I was not too engaged in T's POV. I was getting to Ek and for now, would rather just stick with the point of view. I was also a little confused about how Ti's gender changed. It wasn't entirely clear to me what prompted the change. Does that species code certain feelings or actions to different genders? Does it vary from person to person? Is there any way to control it? What if they don't want to change? What if the physical change conflicts with their gender? With all the talk of the E's staying loyal to the humans, I was curious to see if L would go against what Ek wanted because it seemed to be going in that direction. And I still think I'd rather be in Ek's POV when a whole species declares her a deity.

You've already gotten a lot of feedback on this, and I'm late to the party, so I am going to keep this short. While did enjoy seeing I come to make the decision, I feel like I didn't necessarily need to see it, and a lot of it could've been summarized. The spot where the last submission ended felt like an end, so if there is a way to summarize and combine some stuff from this section and incorporate into the last one so ends there, I think that would work. I would rather not hear about the BK's potential plot to hurt her father and further manipulate her. It felt a little too evil for the side of him we have come to know, and I suspect he might have been confident she would decide to stay. However, seeing a scene from him and M could wrap up their thread nicely, especially if you bring them out more in revision. Maybe they could have a short epilogue? One thing was confusing me. I thought I and her family couldn't read. But they are talking about communicating through letters. I could have someone read transcribe and read hers, but what about the rest of the family? Maybe someone is literate there and I'm just forgetting. Maybe you are planning to change it in revision? Anyway, just a thought. I'll miss reading about I and her adventures, and look forward to whatever you choose to write next.

I forget if I've talked about it here, but I'm currently in a writing mentorship program called Pitch Wars (https://pitchwars.org/. Some of the people in are group, including me, put the draft we started with and the draft we ended with in a thing that compares two documents and tells you how similar they are. ( https://desklib.com/writing/compare/ ) It's intended use is to check for plagiarism, but it is also really a cool way to get a general idea of how much you changed on a revision. Mine was only a 22% match. Over the course of two revisions, I changed 78% of my book. When I started this program, I was already on my 4th draft. I bet if I compared my actual 1st draft to the current one, there would be even less of a match. Now, this is just based on words and sentences. The program isn't detecting anything complicated like plot structure. But still. I made a lot of changes to that book, and that is exactly what it needed. Everything good I have ever written has drastically changed from my first draft to my final. The works that end up getting shelved are the ones where I don't really change much from draft to draft. For me, and many other writers, revision often involves not just making minor adjustments here and there, but drastically changing things. Taking out entire scenes and chapters. Rewriting scenes or chapters. Changing dialogue. A majority of the other people in Pitch Wars who checked their documents had made changes as drastic as mine. One person was only a 10% match. I think the person who came up with the leas changes was a 50% match. In order to improve, I think many writers need to be willing to rip their work apart and rebuild it over and over to make something amazing. Something that will stand out in an extremely competitive industry. It's not easy, but worth it. (also, Pitch Wars is why I didn't get to any critiques last week. I had a deadline. I'll be catching up this week and next).

I wouldn't call that abnormal. I can write 1,000 to 1,500 words an hour when I can actually focus and have the story clear in my head. Yes, it's trash, but that is what revision is for. I'm in a few writer discord servers where we do timed sprints. We enter your starting word count in the begining, and the final word count when time is up. Then the bot calculates how many words each person wrote and ranks them (inspires a little competition). I see quite about half the people I sprint with can average 400 to 500 words in 15 or 20 minute sprints. I notice the people who write the slowest tend to be the ones are the ones who self-edit as they go and produce cleaner drafts. It's not something all writers do, but I think there are plenty of speedy drafters out there.

I've got mixed feelings about this chapter. It definitely starts out strong, and has a lot of emotion and beauty in it, but in the middle or the later parts, it drags on a little. Granted, it can't be dragging too much because I didn't actually make a note of where it felt like it had slowed down. This had last chapter vibes, but when I got to the end, it was clear that it wasn't over yet. There was a lot of emotion in the scene where I told her family about S. I loved seeing C's back together, and wanted to spend a little more time there. The line about the city needing to heal and it's people needing to co-exist made me think of some of Biden's speeches. If the BK is leaving, does that mean his court musicians are going to ? I have a feeling I is going to take the job. Looking forward to seeing what comes next. I think it might be a good idea to zoom in more on the moment when I hears S chose the mines. Maybe the reason I thought it was dragging was because parts of it flowed like a montage without digging in enough to certain events. Interesting suggestion. Now I'm second guessing my advice to expand the restaurant part. To be honest, I expected her to just accept the offer at the end of this chapter and that would be the end of the book, but her being uncertain about the offer is what made it feel like it wasn't over.

So she specifically sent L here. Am going to explain more clearly when I revise. Makes sense. I think I am either am going to change a few things about A or change the way the relationship between the two of them evolves over the story. I haven't fully decided which. It keeps going up, though @Robinski suggested I not make it end in a 9 every time, so I might mix it up a bit. Makes sense. I think I am going to bring W in earlier and go from there in terms of making decisions about whether to set up more history or remove the mention of it. J's mom sent her but the plan went slightly awry. It gets revealed just after where I cut off this sub, but it needs to come sooner. Much sooner. I'm going to streamline and shorten all the background so hopefully it will work better on the next version. Thank you for the critique!

Yes, though I think I'm going to take it out and the other allusion to JJ having issues with suicide ideation. In hindsight, something about the tone and the delivery makes it feel to crass and insensitive. It's not the right story for it. This almost unconsciously creeps into a lot of my stories, and I don't think I want it in this one. Thank you for the critique! Everyone seems to agree on this so I will try to trim some things out.

This is like the increasing number of hells. It's not meant to be taken literally. a This confused everyone. I will change it. exactly!! Based on the crits, it looks like there is going to be enough cutting and rewriting that it's not necessarily ready for line edits yet. And some of the others did catch a lot of my typos and tense slips. But thank you for offering, and thank you for critiquing!

I definitely need to work on Lily's reaction and characterization. I think I am going to move and completely rewrite the way she tells her story. I am going to trim this back a bit. There is too much about the mom and it is distracting and/or detracting from the narrative. Being ace, I usually really struggle to write certain kinds of attraction, but I think I finally got something right in this story, which is kind of funny because it wasn't actually what I intended to do. I'm hoping if I cut back on the backstory about the mom and the village, and bring what I keep in sooner, then I can wrap the story up a little quicker. If it gets rejected for the anthology (which is likely since they are only filling two spots from the slush) I can always expand it into something longer. Thank you for the critique!

That depends on whether or not I can figure out how to get from where I left off last night to the end, and then trim all the parts that are just me rambling and stalling while I try to figure out what is going on.

Your concerns are definitely valid and things I will address when I revise. I'm glad you noticed and pointed them out because I was getting too caught up in other aspects of the story to notice them. Thank you! This definitely something I need to dig into more. Good point. Maybe that was something I needed to figure out for myself, but doesn't fully need to be in the narrative as I intended the story to be more about hiding L for the day. Not giving as much detail about that will also save me from having to get too into how the fungus or whatever organism I decide to blame works. I think when I was writing, this might have happened in my head, but that would be a completely different story. One I'm filling aside as something to maybe write in the future. Thank you very much for the feedback!

So I have each of the 3 WIPs I've been going back and forth between in different fonts and formats, and I find it helps me sort them out in my head. Like the short story is Courier New single space / block format, my novelette is Georgia 1.5 space, and my novel is Times New Roman double space. I've heard people say changing the font can help with creativity or getting past blocks, and changing it to Courier New for that short story seemed like it helped me with voice and tone in some way.

That was a typo. I kept flip flopping with A but ended up settling on they. I was picturing them leaning forward and whispering in JJ's ear, but putting their face a little too close in the process. Maybe it should say "their cheek brushes against mine" I would absolutely freak out if anyone did that to me, but I generally do not want people touching or even within a few feet of me. OK, with the pandemic going, I don't want anyone except my spouse within 10 feet of me. That is a good question. I should probably pick one. Spell check wanted it to be Lily. Thank you! I can definitely trim some of the wordiness when I edit.

JJ has not settled on a specific pronoun. I'm toying with the idea of having A use a different pronoun every time they refer to JJ. The anthology I want to submit this is too is queer YA set in the future, so I think it would go over okay with that audience as long as it remains clear that JJ uses multiple pronouns and isn't being misgendered. I've been discovery writing this and am pretty sure I figured out the reason as I was writing it. When I first wrote the janitor's closet scene, I had not yet figured out why she needed help. You can probably tell I am not used to writing in present tense. Next time I'll do a search for "was" and "ed" before I send it. So they went in the gym then they went under the bleachers. I'll add more description. hmm so this is supposed to be the "false victory" of the story where they think they got away easy, but it's not over. However, I'll give it some more thought. I'm happy to hear this. :-) Thank you!!

I definitely engaged with this story and character, and looking forward to reading more when you do get more written. I enjoyed seeing literally lost floating in the dark and then figuring out where she was. At first, I liked how she fumbled with her interaction with the thing in the stone, but I got frustrated with her interactions with them. She didn't really try to learn anything about them and jumped right to wanting to go home. And when it was obvious the way she was talking wasn't the right way to communicate, she didn't seem to even make an effort to adjust. I get she was scared and caught off guard, but I would've liked to see her have a little more agency or be a little more curious. When she was in the e space, I liked that she did do something, but I the tyrant part didn't make any sense. Saying she and the rebellion are no the A was fine, but in he following paragraph, I don't really get how pretending to be just another tyrant would lessen the blow. Did people from other planets actually like living under the old A's rule that she is aware of? How aware were they of a revolution even existing? Three ends on a nice, suspenseful note. You are very good at doing that. I wasn't a fan of the POV switch in Ch. 4. The narrator felt a little more distant at times (when focused on information about the fallout), though not for the whole thing. It seemed like some of the information got repeated when E came into the room. I am more interesting in seeing how E processes the fall out and what she is thinking when she offers to step down. It was interesting seeing her from a different POV, but I think I would've preferred to just stick with her. The chapter didn't seem to have much of an arc with the new character , but it certainly would've for E. However, you did mention this chapter wasn't over yet. Perhaps the unwritten part would change my mind about this. Also, with Ch. 4, I wasn't sure I understood the hostage part.

That's fine with me. The fungi isn't essential to the story if there isn't a way to make that concept work. If I need to, I can come up with a different reason for L to be on the ship. Valid point. Yes. Antidote is not the correct word since that usually refers to poison. I think I meant Dr. Mom was developing some kind of anti-fungal medication to get the fungus out of people's brains. Please. Thank you! I will also do some googling. Thank you very much for the feedback!

I read through this without making a single comment. I think it is one of the best chapters in the book. It's packed with emotion and the perfect follow up for the previous chapter. I agree. S really is beyond a point of no return here, and there would have to be something equally traumatic to bring S back to I in a convincing way. Agree. I didn't read the last version, but in this one, the convo with the BK made think that I was going to tell her about the sentence, which would have been pretty awkward. It did work well with her already knowing.

The combat scenes went pretty quick, and I never doubted whether or not C would win, even when he was wounded. The first fight seemed very easy to the point where I also felt bad for assassin. Yes, C got inured, but he hardly seemed to notice. The second fight did have higher stakes, and C was wounded, but for some reason, even when he when the enemy was hurting him bad, I still knew C was going to be victorious and therefore was not in any suspense. The tone wasn't my favorite, though that might have more to do with personal preferences than flaws in your writing. It felt a little distant and numb. It did sound like what I expect from a certain kind of high fantasy, but it's also a tone that turns me away from books. I didn't really like the main character. And that doesn't mean you did a bad job with him. Not every reader is going to like every character. To me, he seemed like an arrogant middle-aged man. He seemed well meaning, but he wasn't an mc I found myself caring about. He seemed kind of cold. Maybe a little sexist (I'll get more into this in my 'as I read' notes). You did a good job creating a distinct voice and personalty for him. I have mixed feelings about the dialogue. There was one place in the begining where it seemed like A was just telling him things and he wasn't responding much, and then she left. Otherwise, the conversations seemed very formal and maybe stilted, but that seemed appropriate for the character you created. For the most part, he talked and conversed exactly how I expected him too. The blade was my favorite part. I liked his interaction with it, and how he was pretty in tune with what it wanted, and had the control to not always do what it wanted. I'm looking forward to seeing the blade develop more as a character as the story progresses. This world doesn't seem familiar to me. I don't I read your other submissions. There had been a couple months where I stepped away from the group because work was so busy. As I read: The opening seems kind of classic for the genre, but it did hook me. I want to know who hurt these people and I'm looking forward to seeing them brought to justice." "She had a way with people..." I feel like we got way too much info about A dumped way too quickly. I don't need to know all of this right now. "V could sense his mood..." Yay for sentient or semi-sentient swords! "...where did A get to..." As I mentioned above, this fight didn't really have a lot of tension for me. I thought the assassin didn't really stand a chance. "...with her needle and thread..." So did she just start stitching without really cleaning it? How did she know it didn't hit anything important? Are they going to do anything to prevent infection? "..winced as she began to go at it..." So they're just hanging around casually chatting while she stitches him up? I don't recall where they are. Is he sitting or standing? If you said this and I just missed it, then ignore this comment. "We'll need more men..." Why not women? When we met A, I had assumed this was going to be more of a co-ed army, but it seems like A is actually the only woman there, which is disappointing. "...see that it is taken care of..." In the begining, he seemed to treat A like a peer, but now he is talking to her like she is way below him and she is his servant, not his second. "She poured him another glass..." again, this is making her look more like a servant. Someone further below him than his second in command. It's not only the pouring, but the balance in the dialogue too. "...youngest leader..." I did not picture him young at all. The last fight was a little more tense than the first, but I also didn't doubt the C's ability to win. He admitted he was at a disadvantage, but something about him still seemed very sure of himself. Maybe it is because of how distant the narration style is. The main tension seemed resolved at the end. The guy who burned the village is dead. This doesn't entice me to turn to the next chapter because the plot is resolved. The subplot about the person sent to kill A is still there, but that seemed very secondary, especially since he kind of treats her like a servant later on. If that is actually going to be the plot, maybe it should take more precedence, and if it is the main thing, what was the point of all the other stuff? Maybe if I'd read the other chapters, it would make more sense. If this is novel is multiple POVs, I think these chapters would work better if they were not the first ones in the book. One thing you did well was with the world building. Sometimes in fantasy novels, it can be overwhelming, but it wasn't with yours. You had just enough to ground me in the world, but not so much that it bogged down the plot. It was good balance of action, world building and dialogue.

Sorry I'm a bit late with this one. I enjoyed it more than the first version and don't have a lot to say. My only complaint about the first chapter is the line about"all her troubles were over now." It makes her seem way too naive and kind of ruins the chapter. I think ending with the sentence before, with her sitting on the throne, would be better. The meeting was much smoother. My favorite exchange in that part was the one that starts with "G looked back out of the Cradle" and ends with "...just a poor substitute." There was a lot of emotion in it and said a lot about the relationship between the two characters. I loved the part of about being surprised about all the meetings. Very relatable. You end on a very suspenseful note. Looking forward to reading more!

Content Warnings: L: Swearing (less than in the last draft) S: There is not any sex, but there is one scene with kissing, so I put the S just to be safe. Edit: I didn't mention in the email, but maybe I should've added a content warning for anxiety / panic attack This submission a revision and continuation of what I sent a couple weeks ago. It is maybe two-thirds of the story. I had been hoping to keep the whole around 5,000 words, but that isn't happening. The call for stories I want to submit it to allows for up to 8,000 words, so as long as I don't go over that, I'm okay. I think my first complete draft might go over, but I can always trim when I revise. I have a little more written than what I'm sending you, but haven't actually gotten to the end yet. I don't have any specific questions this time around. Any type of feedback is welcome. Thank you!

Would it be possible to get a slot for Monday? If it fills up I can back out and go next week.

LOL Now I must come up with a name for Space Tumblr Yay! It is. If I pull of what I'm trying to, there will be less angst by the end. Thank you!! I will work on this. I'm not sure what this was supposed to say. LOL Thank you!!

That will be coming when I write the whole thing. Helping the stowaway is going to be the main focus. Good point. I don't think I actually meant an entire forest of just fungi. Maybe "fungi-infested forest" might be better? Though I think the whole way the mom's are mentioned is going to change. Glad to hear it! I'll work on this. Thanks! Fair! This seems to come up in several critiques, so I'll tone it down. I agree. I will have to do a lot of trimming. The part you mentioned as confusing will probably go. That makes sense. I think I'm going to aim to reach mention of the stow away by 500 or 600 words in the revision. Makes sense. Addressing this will also help me trim the opening. probably myself included if it was someone else's story. I'm not 100% sure why that word was so in my head when I was writing this. That was supposed to say boarding not board. ooops. Sorry for the confusion. Um, maybe I need to change this kids name, because now I am going to think of Kylo Ren every time I see Ren. Maybe I'll make it Wren. Yes! I was trying to think of that one when I was writing this and it would not come to me. Thank you! filming @Robinski You have such a good eye for finding my typos. Yeah, it's a short focused on keeping the stow away hidden until they can sneak her onto a supply ship. I'll be doing lots of trimming. I don't know if I could handle a whole novel of this character. Accelerating will happen! Thank you everyone for your feedback! This was all extremely helpful and encouraging. Once I get a complete draft of the whole story done, I'll submit it. I'm hoping it will be be short enough to fit in one submission, but if not, I'll spread it out over two weeks. Thank you!

I do agree that the emotion was well handled and this was very heart-wrenching. You really did show the cost of the violence. So I admit, I had completely forgot which characters had what color skin until I saw this comment. I agree that some might find his death harmful. It's a lot deeper than just people getting offended, imo, but being white, I'm not 100% sure how to explain it. Does he really have to die?

Grumbles into the forum... Disclaimer: I hate it when characters the mc really cares about dies. This is a personal preference when it comes to writing. From a craft point of view, I understand how character deaths can be important to the plot and development of other characters. I still don't like it. I've killed characters in my own writing too, though mostly ones that were either villain, people the mc didn't like, or people the mc just didn't have a very strong connection to. Anyways, on to my actual critique. Based on the discussion from last week, I'm assuming the first part of this chapter will eventually change. BK coming to get I was a bit anticlimactic. I would much rather see M help her in a way that lets her take some part in the escape, and then they go to BK. I actually naming her sister when talking to BK, and her thought process around it, really showed how her opinion of his and the monarchy changed. It was a good character moment. I also liked how she was sort of sensitive to his mind shenanigans and on some level, realized something had happened even if she wasn't aware of what she was realizing. I'm guessing she is going to find out sooner or later. The POV switch was too quick and it was very distracting. I'd say either take it out or really expand it. I like that I did not go to the safe house and instead tried to find her sister, even if it seemed like a foolish endeavor. She was aware enough of that. "This was totally, utterly, ridiculously stupid. " I like this line and 100% agree with it. "Not a target for either group, right..." This made me think she was going to be someone's target. I had no confidence that she was actually going to be able to reach them, let alone convince them to run, but I admire her effort. I like her bargain with BK. Names for Non-leathal attacks. I don't like that shortly after that bargain was made, someone shoves a spear through T's gut, fatally wounding him. I was on the verge of tears while I sat with T and very upset about his death. I don't want him to die, and I'm not sure if this is just me not liking certain kind of characters getting killed or if I think his death won't have the right impact. I couldn't quite gauge which way this was going to sway I, for starters. There was a lot of emotion in the sense that she is loosing a brother-in-law she cares about it, but I don't recall figuring out if this is going to drive her to or away from BK, especially since he said no lethal attacks and then his people killed T. As a reader l expect this will completely, irrevocably radicalize S against. There will be no turning her back from her hatred of BK now. And she will hate I forever and forever blame I for his death. I'm expecting this to push S to the point of no return where before I was hoping that maybe there would be some hope to redeem the relationship between the sisters. I feel like the death isn't working, but I may be bias against it and may be reading your characters and goals wrong.