shatteredsmooth

I would also like a slot if possible.

I love Sa and her voice in this chapter. Y & N had some funny lines, but some of the banter was a little too much. There seemed to be a lot of information P in this chapter but I felt like I'd heard it before. I'm not sure if it is because it was in that first prologue you submitted a while back and got moved to here, of if it is actually repeated. But going into this chapter, I already knew P was born of A and had gotten blown up. The refugee stuff was new, and I was interested in how the person on the comm was very anti Ard. If there was more significant new details in some of the images S was looking before they got redacted, I may have missed it. But I think it more or less just confirmed there was another Ard evolved Neek-like species, which we knew from G4? The most interesting thing that happened was that we learned they were getting pulled of course and heading to P without A and E. As I read: "Terrans ate the fruit of the trees instead of the trees themselves" I love this distinction "enjoyed the look of crystallized sugar in his beard" Nice detail and shows a lot of her feels for him very concisely "spaceship against gravity both ways" Is this a dig at the 'walk uphill both ways' line? I'm not sure it really lands for me. "sparkle of cellulose across..." based on the G4 chapter, something tells me this won't go over so well when they arrive. When they start arguing about the lemonade, and the line about deprogramming the printer and all that, the banter was losing me. "(UN)WILLING(???)" This was hilarious "BODY PARTS....follow up question" I also snickered at this. "...made me think of planets having babies..." This felt a little too rambling "Sounds like "fruit chew" " Well, know I have an idea of how to pronounce it. "S glared. N stopped talking." I like the power S has to get him to shut up when necessary "The compute refused" oh no "I love you. Please don't get us killed." Great last line! I am wondering this too. S seemed completely in charge from the begining of this chapter. In fact, S seemed in charge since the gassy bean bag chair chapter. In this book, I do not think I have seen S not completely in control of Y and N. S is ruling this ship. This chapter was fun. Some of the banter could be trimmed. Some of the research could possibly be trimmed a little. I don't think it really had an arc or beat. It was more laugh a bit and have some world building chapter that does end with a good hook because things are clear not going according to S's plan. Granted, this is the type of thing I might complain about in a critique but also might not notice or would just sort of breeze if I was just reading for fun and not thinking too much about it.

We might not. There is a reason I put included it, but I might not need as much. If I do sub the next E chapter, I may ask you about this again. I have to double check, but I think I added a paragraph about this to ch. 1 after you all read it and have more details about it later in 3 after this sub cuts off. It definitely wasn't clear enough in the version I submitted. Right now, there are lots of very small nations that are trying to form one larger one. At the NUNES convention, they're voting on the final version of a constitution. Noted. I will revise accordingly. If he is going to report to another person, he could run up to JW, or use the river to send a message to As. I could also take the murder mention out of this chapter and work it into the next Erik one so the danger the AZs post is more gradually escalated. That sounds good. Someone is letting them. There is a twist at the end that I keep forgetting needs better set up. Thank you!

I have gone back and forth with this throughout the process of writing this. I don't always like defining third genders because it feels like just adding another box or fixed point on a spectrum, which yes, some people might fall into it, but others wouldn't fit in any defined box. Society could evolve to have a third or fourth gender, but I might still not fit in that new box any better than I fit in man or woman, so I tend to steer away from defining new genders in my writing. However, I have no problem with other people doing it. I just don't think it's for me. Granted, when I do read stories where the are alien species with multiple genders, no matter how many there are, I wonder if there are people who still don't fit with any of those genders. Maybe one day, I'll write a society that has 3 or 4 genders, with an mc who doesn't fit with any of them. I have toyed with the idea of having S's society generally see gender as a wide spectrum, and in one draft, instead of non-binary, Seren used the term mid-spectrum. In fact, they might still call themself that later in the draft. I vaguely remember flagging it a few weeks ago when I did a full read through and making a note to decide if I want to use that term or not. This would be less structured than a set 3rd gender. But then it's also a new word readers have to learn. Lots to think about. (Goose just hit post before I was done typing, lol)

@C_Vallion These questions are incredibly helpful for the situation I am in with this book. I'm going to copy them all into a word doc later and use them as jumping points for a brainstorming session. I may have known the answers to all them once, but right now, I don't. And I should. I remember intentionally making the Atlzi's caricatures of Twitter trolls, and some of the other minor characters caricatures of other things but looking at it now, a few years later, I see it really doesn't work with the overall tone of the book. If the whole thing was satire, it would be different. But it's not. There are a lot micro societies in this world that for decades, were isolated from each other either by water or hostile forest, but gradually they've been allowed to intermingle more. The Mother doesn't really have one unified set of morals she wants people to follow, but not all the characters realize this at first. Basically, she doesn't care what they believe as long as there aren't war (because that is one of the things that made parts of the world un-inhabitable) and the types of industry that destroyed the climate. The elementals all have different personalties and can definitely be influenced by the the beliefs of the people around them. The answers to some of your questions about the elementals would actually vary from society to society, which you will see as S travels to NUNES. A lot of this book is the actual journey. Kind of like the hobbit, but instead of sneaking into Smaug's layer, stealing something, and having a whole big battle, there is the big political gathering where people are voting on elements of the constitution. The Hobbit was actually a big source of inspiration for this, even though it is set in a completely different kind of world. The people on the solar barges are only more recently trading. The barges come from larger ships much further out to sea that are comparable to generational space ships. Now they're venturing back to shore to see if it's habitable. Not realizing some areas have been all along. By the end of the book, they're at a place where they're attitude is sort of a, "we won't deny what you can do, but we're not going to call it magic" type thing, and they want to find the science behind the magic. For example, they want to isolate and identify the genetic difference between mages and non-mages. It's kind of a "magic is science we don't understand" type attitude, though I admit, I would not be able to back up all the magic with science. Thankfully, I don't have plans for a sequel. :-) With the old houses, what I imagined happening is that mages with strong connections to Earth elementals actually raised portions of land so they would be above the waterline and created sort of magic domes to shelter areas from the worst of the wind and rain. It would've been a huge feat that would've taken the cooperation of multiple mages and elementals working together. Some, but not all, of the water receded, so the landscape has changed. Some of the places have the same names or similar names to present day places, like Attitash (the lake I live on) though in this future, it is a lot bigger and has merged with other bodies of water. I made everything ridiculously complicated and I'm sure I was skilled enough to pull it off when I wrote it. I'm not sure if I even am now. But it would cost me money to get out of my contract since the publisher has already paid for the cover and edits. So I'm just going to do the best I can in the time I have. The further I get into the book, the less changes I have to make. I hope that if I can just create a strong foundation in the first four or five chapters, then I will be revising and editing existing chapters instead of completely re-writing them. Edit / added after I posted: And re the moral issues, I do need to work that out more. I think E didn't expect the elementals to take it so far, so I need to make that clearer. I think I'm being very confusing about how often the elementals really take over people. It doesn't happen often, but one of the few times S saw it happen to their mother was traumatic for them, and they've had a huge amount of anxiety about it since. E understands S's fear, but doesn't think it could happen to him. Until it does. Most mages don't share Seren's fear of magic and elementals. I just need to figure out how make this clear early on.

Content Warnings: Mild violence, reference of off-page murder, reference to transphobia and homophobia, verbal harassment, gender dysphoria Hi, So here is more of Earth Reclaimed (Ch. 2 and some of Ch. 3). I have a feeling this will feel like an early draft because a lot of it is brand new (original Ch.2 was only 900 words) and I feel like I am re-writing the opening chapters of someone else's book. I know the prose tends to be rough in my submissions and I'm sorry if this one is worse than usual. I meant to take one more look at it today but work was too busy and now I am too tired. I don't need detailed line edits. I'm more concerned about content. Character, motives, stakes, world-building and emotions... I did make some big revisions to Ch. 1, but at the moment, I don't plan to resubmit it. There is a rough summary of the changes in the header of the attached doc. Thanks! -Sara

That kind of makes me think of some of Holly Black's YA. I could just be making it out to be queerer than it is, but I think in the Cruel Prince series, the mc was straight but a lot of the other characters were not.

It's close enough for me, and like @Ace of Hearts said, we're not full, so that makes it easier to read the extra words.

Yay!!! Glad you are here. :-) @Robinski Great meme!

Hmmm I'm not sure what I think about this. But if I were picking up a YA paranormal romance novel ( I am a big YA reader), and got this prologue, I would be pretty grumpy. I'm guessing B's son is either the mc or the love interest, and the girlfriend is the other? I can see how this information would add tension, might if I was skimming the opening to decide if I wanted to read, I would potentially put it down. Granted, it is short enough that I might be fine as long as I skimmed ahead and assured my self there was a better protag coming soon. Somewhat. I did not like A (probably wasn't supposed to though) and didn't quite understand what his powers or abilities were and was struggling to figure out what he wanted from B. I had no clue while I was reading, but now I'm thinking he thinks she's some kind of fairy or faerie or similar creature? There is some value to the mystery...but it was also frustrating, and I like knowing things. I don't like surprises. When reading a physical book, I read the first few pages, then the last few pages, then decide if I am reading the book. Other readers might feel different. But I would rather just know. I don't think so. If you have hints maybe that the girl's dad is involved in something, then I think it would work. And maybe since Archer seems to be some big CEO, there could be some vague references to him at least existing. And if I know B's kid is something supernatural being trying to hide, or at least knows that B is, I will expect some trouble is possible. Did anyone die? I admit I was a little confused. A was acting like someone was already dead, but then that person was still alive, but had a disease that would cut his life short. One B potentially can cure. The wife also has this, but again, potential cure? Or did she already die? I had a hard time following whether A was offering condolences for an actual death or a pending one. I was too distracted by trying to figure out what A thought B was and what he wanted that I was having a hard time grasping other details. I like YA and I like paranormal, so I'm good to read it! I sent half a college paranormal romance through here last year. That's not too far off from YA. Overall, I'd say leave out the prologue for now. But if you get to a later draft and betas think A's appearance is abrupt, you can always out it back.

Positivity not required. You very clearly pointed out some major issues, all spot on. In a lot of ways, it is. I wrote a brand new chapter for a book I wrote 2 or 3 years ago. But then I couldn't tell if I really fixed any of the issues by changing the chapter, so I sent it here, and well, now I know S doesn't show emotions, their reason for going wasn't clear, the stakes were clear...the chapter did not do what I wanted it. But at least now I know that and have a clear idea of where it went astray. Thank you!

Happy to hear this! :-) This is probably something I can work in, yes. This seems pretty consistent throughout the comments and something I will focus on in my next revision. Thank you @Ace of Hearts! Makes sense! This is the heart of what I need to do in Ch. 1. My goal is to give them a reason to go even though they don't want to for a number of reasons, while also setting up the stakes. Thank you @julienreel

Good point. I will aim to change this. I think it might be better if I take @Silk's suggestion and they actually see F and the witches who aren't witches interact and make this less of a rescue more of S prevents political sabotage or something. Or something else entirely. Either way, it seems like this chapter did not do what I aimed for, but now I have a clearer idea of why. :-) Thank you!

Could I have a spot for next week please? I might submit a revised 1, but more than likely, I will just send Ch. 2 and summarize any significant plot changes to 1.

I actually felt like I didn't have a very firm grasp on the character. I knew she loved flying, and seemed to keep a cool head in emergencies, but I felt like I didn't really know who she was. The voice felt flat compared to I. I didn't know what she really wanted, what this race meant to her, and what her relationship with her navigator was like. When you revise, try to dig a little deeper into what makes Z herself. Later, when we got to the crash, the stakes were survival, but before then, what were they? How does the crash impact those stakes? What was the arc? Z seems the same at the end as in the begining. The ship crashed, and now she is plotting the next adventure. How did she change? How did she grow? What did she learn? I think there was just enough for a short story, more or less. Yes. I do like this idea. And I would read more about space rally racing. As I read p. 1 "She couldn’t imagine never piloting Mbira again." Is he forbidden from all piloting or just in races? Could he fly for fun? Or transporting people? p.3 "Liam’s commands like the voice of God. Every atom of her being seemed to shake with the thrill of racing." I love this line, but I am also a little confused about what he is doing. p. 4 "prayed that Control Tower would not cancel the race" Even though it was ongoing? I got my answer to this later. And despite not being invested in the character, I was drawn into the story, apparently, because I stopped making notes after here. On some levels, it was working. The character was proactive after the crash. The element that was missing was the personal stakes. And while there are hints of personality, I think you could really play them up.

I like this much better than the last version! Ori's motive is clearer now though I feel like it all comes a moment later and maybe bunched up a little too much. The moment where I really bought into Ori risking so much for At was on page 8 with this paragraph "The image...a teenager, be sentenced to death while Ori watched from the safety of her settee. Absolution for both of them floated in the surrounding debris cloud, and Oriwas not leaving until she found it. Ori seems haunted by her inaction when they sentenced At to death, and now she is doing something because she didn't do something then. That motive I believe. The interaction with the K worked much better, and having a tech failure be the reason she had to stay behind worked very well. Also, you ended this in the perfect place and I really want to just read on. Other notes: P. 4 "What a maddening, depressive waste of a nearly six year journey." Ori is committed. That is a long trip! P. 5 "There was no AI to talk back, of course. Mysterious stolen alien tech might break the speed of light but it wasn’t magic" Nice bit of world building. P. 6 "She declined. Maxing her tiny hold with a biped torso was macabre, even for her. Heroes didn’t do macabre." So she needs bigger than a hand but smaller than a torso. Also, isn't collecting any body part in this situation kind of macabre? A head or a leg would seem macabre too. Maybe more so with the head. "She’d compromised for comfort once, and it had almost cost a friend her life." On my first read through, I didn't get this line. It seemed out of place. I was also getting frustrated because Ori was obviously risking her life and I really didn't understand why, which was making me not care. Now I think it is referring to what is later revealed about her doing nothing to help At, and I'm wondering if that should just be revealed now or maybe even a little earlier. P. 7 "the Neek who would never see her homeworld again unless Orianat got it together and found" Finally! The motive. Any later and I would've started loosing interest. P. 8 "Absolution for both of the..." This felt like the heart of the motive, but it feels buried. Unnecessarily delayed. P.14 "It was very different to actually…finish" I mean, she doesn't have a sample yet. Is just seeing this being through a film. also, pun? P. 19 "...then give the planet a call" I was a little confused about the transmission and calling planets bits. "I owe you a drink.” Wouldn't be the other way around? Doesn't Ori owe this person a drink? P. 20 "The dredgers opened fire." Ahhh want to know what happens next!

Fair enough. Since the whole point of this chapter is for them to realize they need to go, then I definitely need to work on this. This is an escalation. Is there a trigger for it? No...should there be? Yes. Thank you for pointing this out. This could work. I can try. I think I have them as 17 somewhere, but my characters tend to sound younger than they are. But I might change that line. I'm 100% sure if it actually matches their voice for the rest of the book or not. I have this vauge memory from when @kais was subbing Queen that I thought, "oh, that planet is like the solar barge" and then I shoved that thought away because anxiety about eventually having to get edits this book after not looking at it for a long, long time.

LOL, well, they're a teenager. Maybe I need to play up their fear of their magic a little more and downplay the just not wanting to go. My eternal struggle. Make characters emote. My editor and you agree. He has a lot of his own POV chapters and according to my editor, he emotes way more than Seren. Totally valid. I think I was trying to do something critical of that idea with this guy. That line was a transplant from the original chapter, but maybe it just needs to go. Is this Fruits? I have not read that yet. I need to. valid. Thank you!

The previous version of this chapter started out in a room, not on a river bank. So maybe those vibes stuck around. But they are an all female colony of scientists who rode out the apocalypse on the ocean in "arcs" which Seren doesn't know about. Seren only knows about the solar barges and the smaller vessels that leave from them. But why? I am really trying to remember. lol I will never, ever not make and save detailed notes about my world building again. The elementals...and the ambassadors. It's not actually a perfect system by any means. And not everyone is happy, but being privileged and naive, Seren isn't entirely aware of that. Yet. Fair. I will try to explain better in the revision. This one? I just mean they share the land. Mission accomplished! Good to know. I'll try to see what else I can come up with. In the end, all that matters is Se decided to stop running from their responsibility, realize their point of view has some value, and decide to go. It doesn't necessarily have to be this rescue. In the original chapter, it was just dialogue. Good point. OK, so maybe the rescue wasn't the best idea. Thank you!!

I find it is much easier to identify issues with others people's work than it is to see it in my own, and even harder to actually fix certain things or just avoid those mistakes all together. Fair enough. They are a couple, but I wouldn't quite say they're head over heals in love with each other either. I will work to clarify. I should be able to work this in concisely if I trim other stuff. But it's both magic and a political position Seren is inheriting. The two come hand in hand. The person who serves as the ambassador between the local elementals and the humans is also the ruler of the humans. I guess technically Seren isn't really the official ambassador yet so much a the heir to that position because of their lineage and powers. The answer to this is my lost notes that may not have actually ever existed... I know I had a reason for it at one point. I hope I remember eventually while I am revising. I am pretty sure that was my intention when I first wrote this, but I'm open to changing it. Later on, some of my bad guys are essentially personifications of internet trolls and they made me cringe while I was doing my read through. good point! Not exactly. He doesn't go with Seren, but he does't stay either. But we do switch to his POV in chapter 2. He wasn't in my original ch. 1, but I think for what happens later, readers need a better sense of his and Seren's relationship (which of course I failed to accurately convey). My goal with this chapter was really just to create a more interesting way for Seren to make their decision to go than what I originally had (which was lunch with their parents and the dud they rescued) while also setting up and/or filling in a few gaps. It doesn't sound like it achieves most of what I hoped it would. Thank you for the critique!

Totally valid! Looking forward to seeing you back in the spring!

Hi Everyone! Here is the first chapter of a new old WIP. It's under contract with a publisher, though the week I got my edits was the first time I had looked at in a long, long time. There were a lot of issues with the first chapter (very short, too many characters, a ton of information dumped over a few pages...) My editor suggested slowing down and expanding it, but I thought that would've created a whole other set of problems, so I decided to write a completely new opening chapter (and probably created a whole new set of problems). Well, mostly new. My editor loved the opening paragraph, so I kept that. I'm open to whatever feedback you have, including LBLs (unless you think I need to scrap the whole thing and start over again). Oh, and genre: This is YA fantasy, set in an alternate future Earth. Thank you!! -Sara P.S. I can't think of any content warnings for this chapter. This is unusual. I won't be submitting this whole book. It's due the end of April. But depending on how this goes I might send one or two more.

Can I have a spot for next week please? Asking early to make sure I actually finish the thing I need to submit because I'm on a deadline.

As far as pacing goes, I think you nailed 99% of it. There was one moment early on where it lagged, where they were in the carriage talking about dinner plans and vineyards. I did not care much about that. Since A is the main character, not the adults, what would you think of A interacting more with his sister, M, in that scene instead of his father? And somehow in the conversation, find a way to bring up the tutor so he doesn’t seem to come out of nowhere later? Otherwise, I was on the edge of my seat the whole time and mostly satisfied with how it ended. The atmosphere was fantastic and it seems to heavily lean into gothic tropes. I thought a lot of the description and imagery was well done. In terms of plot, I feel like it sets up well for a rescue mission, though I am hoping there is some kind of twister later since boy rescuing his sister (who had no character development at all) is a bit too cliché and old fashioned for me. A is an interesting character. The narrative voice was a little distant, but for the most part, that didn’t bother me because the atmosphere was so spooky and tense. However, that atmosphere alone won’t sustain my interest for the novel, especially since we are out of the manor now. Going forward, I think it would be good dig a little deeper into A’s head. Mostly this felt like close-ish 3rd, but there were a couple times you slipped POVs. Once might have been accidental though at the end, it seemed intentional. Personally, I’m not a fan of omniscient narrators that jump heads without scene breaks, but plenty of writers do it. One plot issue I had was when they decided to stay the night. That seemed too brushed over. Did they really try to resist? Could they? I feel like that moment might need a little beefing up. One problem I did have with A is that I couldn’t quite tell how old he was at first. The first paragraph made me think adult, then when we got closer to him, I was picturing more like 14, then it turned out he was 17. Which even though I guessed younger, I think the age works. Though my next question is do you consider this YA or Adult? Because I think that would change how I critique voice and character development. My biggest overall concern is how women are treated in this. They’re almost non-existent. M is mentioned a few times, but she is described very vaguely (I cringed at the word demure and was no a fan of sweetly feminine either). Can you give her a more concrete description? One that actually presents her as an actual character? I would love to see her interact with A more too! Based on this chapter, it would fail the sexy lamp test (https://fanlore.org/wiki/Sexy_Lamp_Test) and the Bechdel test (https://lifehacker.com/the-bechdel-test-and-other-media-representation-tests-1819324045). Aside from that, not developing M at all lowers the stakes. I don’t know much about her. I don’t know much about how A feels about her. I’m not exactly invested in any potential rescue plots, assuming that is what will happen next. The sister being taken would have a much bigger impact of she was a well-developed side character. I will say, throughout the narrative, I kept expecting the count to be a vampire even though the demon hints were very present. Demon works out fine though. Looking forward to reading more.

It helps a little. It does show where there connection was born, but I am more or less under the impression that they only had this interaction before the tree thing, and that G4 was just sort of a celebrity A looked up to. So one little interaction lays the foundation for understanding the motives, but I'm not sure it's enough by itself. Is it necessary? I did enjoy reading it. It was sweet and fun and would be interesting contrasted with the chapter where G4 is in the wreckage of P. If little flashback chapters are going to be a thing, keep it. I think it's worth keeping even if I'm not convinced it's absolutely necessary. But if you cut it...could any of this be conveyed in an epigraph? Before. I think having them back to back could work. Or this might make an interesting prolouge, one that might be accessible to new readers and a good world-building refresher for old readers. Plot? Who needs plot? I liked it this length. Make it longer and it will drag or take over. Make it shorter and there won't be enough. Some general notes: I really just enjoyed reading this and kind of feel bad that I don't have a lot to critique. The opening line drew me in. I loved the image of G4 making herself and her settee a crown. Maybe there could be slightly more stakes? What actually would happen if they got caught?