shatteredsmooth

Thank you for the feedback @FlowerGirl! I'm glad you enjoyed the story!! I can try to play up more supernatural elements throughout and also try to raise the stakes. Thank you for the feedback, @Mandamonand @Minifyre!

Me please

Hi All, I'm back with a little slice of life type story about queer werewolves buying a house. I've revised this one a few times, but I'm not quite happy with the story yet. I'm open to just about any kind of feedback, but I do have some questions. 1. Currently, the story is two POVs. Does that work? Or should I take out the real estate agent's POV? 2. In my early drafts, I was told it ended abruptly. Is that still the case? 3. Overall, what is working? What isn't working? Thanks!

Thank you!! Playing up the "one last job" trope is a great idea.

Is it ok if I send a short story today?

Makes sense. Thank you for the feedback!!

Makes sense. I'll have to really think about what I want to do with this piece. Thank you!!

Welcome!! And thank you!!

Hi All, I'm back from a bit of a hiatus with a short story. This is an early draft, and I'm open to whatever feedback you have. However, I do have some specific questions as well. I wrote this intending for it to be complete at its current length but I'm worried it feels more like an opening than a complete story. What do you think? Does it feel complete? If not, what is missing? What would it need to feel more like a complete story? Thanks!

I had a hard time getting into the chapter on the first page. The kissing part may be a good hook for other readers but I kept sort of glazing over it at first. Didn't care about the kissing. Though that may have been different if I'd read this closer to reading book 1. But as it was, I'd kind of forgotten my investment in the relationship between these two. Once they started seeing the destruction left on N, then I was more intrigued. Though while I had a very clear picture of it, I'm not 100% if I have enough about how F feels about it. There is definitely some emotion, but I'm wondering if there could be more or if keeping it dialed down a little was intentional. There was one line on p. 12 that made me think it was. I'm wondering if them giving up all their non-andal food now is going to cause problems later. I forget why the andal is evaporating. The void is plugged now, right? Ard is dead. Why does what's left still evaporate? A brief reminder wouldn't hurt. The kids developing T-markings is fascinating. I am very curious to see what happens next. Overall, I think this was a good chapter. It allowed readers to reacquaint with the two characters and showed some of the fallout of Ard being blown up.

I'm super late getting to this, so my apologies. My overall reaction to this is that based on the first chapter alone, I'm not quite sure what kind of story to expect. It set up a lot for being a story about dealing with bullies, but then there was the ghost fight at the end that felt kind of random and tacked on. While you certainly can have a story that is both about dealing with bullies and fighting ghosts, I think there needs to be some kind of smoother integration of the two narratives. The balance between the two feels off. And part of that is because while this was an exciting ghost fight, I'm not sure if it was an inciting incident or not and I'm not sure what / how it sets up for the paranormal plot element. However, I feel like not knowing what the rest of the book is about, I can't really make concrete suggestions for how to fix the first chapter. Though it looks like the others did give some detailed feedback. I love YA, especially spooky YA with ghosts, so I'm hoping you decide to submit more of this story.

Can I please have a spot for MondaySept. 12 for a short story? I'll make sure I get caught up on subs by then.

Alright, I am super late and I'm not sure if you've already started making changes, so I'll keep it brief. I liked seeing the two different S's. It was interesting seeing ch. 1 start around the same place book 1 started, but on the other plane. In ch. 2, I wasn't a huge fan of the dream in a dream in a dream. It felt jarring when S finally really woke and seemed like it delayed the start of the actual action and plot. The later half was much stronger. My favorite bit was S realizing how much Y made things feel like home. And the last line was fantastic.

I have a short story I could sub, but I think I need to get caught up on other people's stuff before I submit my own.

This is a continuation of my other crit, since this is a continuation of that section. p. 7 I like the balance in this scene with the persona;/family life and the fungus advancing like we knew it would based on the fungus pov scene p. 9 Also like the balance in this scene, p. 13 I feel like I missed something here and would need to give this a second read to really get what Frank wants to do. But then I tend to struggle when this book gets technical about the materials, and think it's more of a me problem than something you need to fix. p. 19 Jiow needed her to pull her weight.[A1] [A1]With work? She would spend more time with her son just as soon as she could.[A1] [A1]In terms of character arc this is a decent note to end on, but it also isn’t something to propel me on into the next chapter.

One overall, sort of big picture note, is that some of the characters seem to be staying the same more than growing. I've noticed a lot of growth from An and some from Ag, but to me, the others, mostly all seem the same even if things around them have changed. It might be WRS, but I'm having trouble seeing the arcs and growth. I read all of part 10 together over two days, and while I don't have too many comments on individual things, I feel like the overall arc or beat for the section isn't quite coming together for me. I'm not quite sure what is or have a feeling I'm missing something. As I read: p. 8 Not much to comment on here. It read smooth. There was a bit of tension. Sings of the colony’s progress. Though I think I had been expecting the hole or the call to be something a little more significant and felt a little let down when it wasn’t. p.10 ". It was time more direct attention was devoted to this troublesome area." This feels repeated, sort of. p. 15 The admins may be a little evil, but at least they appreciate the arts. p.18 To an extent, I felt like I was being told stuff I already know about how the implant works and where it’s name came from, but I also liked seeing N tell An to get a hobby. p.24 “The trashiest,” the man said. “My latest is about a Generational and a Vagal who run away into the biomass, but rather than killing them, it does, well, other things to them.”[A1] [A1]This had me laughing out loud p. 25 He’d have plenty to do until his prosthetic was ready[A1] . [A1]I love that A is buying smutt books p. 27 It had been a while since we'd seen Al. Had almost forgot about him.

Another great installment! I thought it lagged a bit in the middle / got bogged down with technical stuff, but other readers might find that exciting. As I read I was excited for the fungal POV. I find that absolutely fascinating! p.6 "ball and chain" I hoped people would stop using that phrase in the future p.18 Interesting seeing people consciously make a choice to keep or even foster inequality in their society. That was blatant. Makes me dislike admins. p. 22 This las scene was a pretty jargon heavy section. I had to read slow to follow and found myself loosing interest a little. Same for the one that ends on page 25. I kept finding myself wanting skim over things, but I can see other readers getting really excited about the construction stuff. p.25 Very glad to be back in An's POV! To me, these are some of the strongest chapters and the ones where the most happens, and this one didn't disappoint. It felt like it had forward motion and made me like An more than I already do. p. 36 I care a little more about the building material from Jane’s POV, though after her intentional creation of social classes, I’m less sympathetic to her. 36-39 Nice moment between J and Ag! 39 Not a bad ending but also not one that leaves me craving the next scene or ready to keep turning the page.

I procrastinated reading this because I liked D and was not looking forward to his fate. It was sad, but didn't quite have the impact I expected. It had all the ingredients do be devastating and emotional chapter but it felt muted and moved fast. I would really dial up the emotion throughout the chapter, but particularly in the last part after D dies and A goes home alone with the baby. There was one part where I think it said they were about the equivalent of 20-years-old and that surprised me. A seemed like she was in her 30s to me. I don't think this is the first time you talked about age though, so it was probably just WRS that I forgot. Looking forward to the next installment!

I read this a few days ago but didn't post because I didn't really have any comments on it. I think this was one of my favorite chapters so far! I was engaged throughout the whole thing and liked the amount of time I got to say with each character. I also liked having the quieter more geeky bee chapter follow the more action heavy one. It would be interesting to read this all together instead of in such small segments, because sometimes, when I read chapters like this, I don't have much if any criticism for the individual chapter but feel like I'm on the verge of seeing a bigger picture issue that I can't quite pinpoint yet. Looking forward to the next part.

Here is more of the spooky middle grade book, Junk Junction. I'm concerned I broke something about these chapters trying to fix them--made them worse instead of better. The revision was focused on pacing and character reaction, so I'm particularly interested in feedback on those things, but am also open to whatever other feedback you have.

I'd like a spot for tomorrow if that's ok.

I'm trying to picture the overall arc of the chapter in my head and the whole thing isn't quite coming together for me, though maybe it's because I read it in pieces instead of all at once. However, I do like the note in ends on. That is propelling me more into the next phase of the story. I didn't really make too many notes as I read, which is a good thing. I was engaged and not seeing problems with the individual sections. Here are the few as I read notes "We think the alpacas might have a good run though. They seem much less resistant to the fungus" Less resistant or more resistant? The context makes me think you meant more but I could be reading wrong. " It was a beautiful symphony." The paragraph ending in this made me think that he has some type of connection to the fungal network now, like it's in his brain or something and none of the characters realize it yet. I could be completely wrong, but if 'm right, then it's some good foreshadowing “But you’re right. Let’s pick out everything for our perfect child. Maybe in a year or two, we can have a second." Something about this line feels forced. Maybe that is the intention. And that is it for this time! The chapter gave me a good picture of how people were adapting, and it ends on a good note.

TW violence for someone getting turned into a mannequin Hi All, I'm working on a revise and resubmit with a literary agent for my middle grade novel, Junk Junction, which I sent through this group in Summer 2020. So some of you have read an older version of this, but it's been a while. Because I have limited words and limited time, I'm not sending the first few chapters. I'm happy with those (I think). Instead, I'm starting with Ch. 4, which is 15 pages in, and right at my inciting incident. This is a section where I made some more significant changes, and I want to see how they work. The revision has been mostly focused on pacing and character reactions, so I'd love feedback on those elements. There are supposed to be excerpts from journal entries at the start of each chapter, but they made my word count go up over 5,000, so I didn't include them in the submission. Here is a very brief summary of what happened leading up to this chapter: E, a nonbinary 12-year-old, is antiquing with their mom, who they are very close with. After finding a valuable antique ghost hunting kit, E wanders away from mom and has a vision of the past when they touch a haunted doll. Panicked, they call for their mom but can't find her. Thank you!! Sara

As I read “He has some serious breaks, but he won’t need anything like this.” I wish I could believe you, An. I’m not sure this is the right POV for this scene? It went fast and had some good emotion from Ag, but she was also very passive in it. I think either An or D would feel more active. I like seeing Ja’s reaction to the discovery of the iron. It gives a good sense of forward momentum. It also made the POV switch feel smooth because the action was related. "...waiting for her place on the List." I liked this scene—it was deep—lots of good emotion and a left me with a bit of a hear-warming feeling. Wholesome. The only downside is it felt disconnected from the first two chapters. The Al scene wasn't as engaging too me even though it did tell the readers some critical information. "he starting installing" did you mean "started"? "thought he might actually live comfortably on the surface of 11d" and now, something must go wrong, in the next chapter. Or the next scene. Overall, this chapter felt unified around one event with the first two scenes. The second two feel more disconnected from it. Well, the last one does show the result of it, I guess. But the baby one, even though it had the best emotion and character interaction, also felt the least connected to the chapter. The overall arc and connectedness of everything as a whole isn't quite coming together for me. Granted, this isn't the whole thing, right? Maybe when I read the next part, it will all click. I think this is some good insight. I more or less agree with this.

Can I have a slot for tomorrow please? I'll get caught up on this weeks crits tonight before I send anything out for tomorrow.