shatteredsmooth

This would make a great flash piece! If you could get it to be just under 1,000 words, that would be perfect. There are markets for pieces like this at it's current length, but you would have more opporturnities if it were under 1,000. Daily Science Fiction takes stuff up to 1500 words, but Flash Fiction Online caps it at 1,000. I enjoyed the voice and the character, but I think it would be okay to trim around some of the interaction with the aliens. That was interesting, but I don't think it was all necessary for the character's arc. I got the impression the arc was about her realizing these aliens seemed to care more about her than her own family, so she chose to go to their world when they offered to show her. At least, that was what I took away from the one reading. The dialogue veered into a slightly different theme, I think. However, if that dialogue was one of your favorite parts, you probably could adjust the rest to fit more with it. It might also be possible to trim words with a line edit and some restructuring of sentences if you also want to shorten in. Before I read your note, I was seeing the Peony more as M and being a human who didn't fit or wasn't believed more than just as her experiences with them, but your explanation of it does make sense now that I've read it. I don't think it was too in your face. I do agree with the others that the end didn't have enough punch. When it comes to flash, I think it is important for the piece to have a strong ending.

That sounds like a great idea!

I got yours too. We don't get a confirmation or copy of the email.

I think they could find a way to sneak by. Maybe smuggle in a disguise for I? Maybe make so I has to do something to help W get her out? I freed herself from her sisters house, so I don't think it would be bad to have W help her out of the dungeon, especially since she earned that help by assisting W on a different mission. W is not the love interest, not even really a friend yet.

@Snakenaps much better!

Definitely better to over tag than under tag. And I don't think you don't need to get specific about whether it's a little gore or a lot of gore, just say gore. Even when I click "Reveal hidden contents" I cannot see the Grandma.

I was very engaged in this and read through the whole thing without making comments. One thing I did find myself thinking about was that the opening felt a little repetitive. I think @Robinski already covered this though. It could definitely use a good edit to trim some extra and overused words, but at least to me that's a step for later on in the writing process. You set an interesting scene and premise. The concept of steampunk machines powered by a spirit is fascinating. The narrator was interesting. I learned a little about him and how he thinks, but I'm not entirely sure what his personal stakes are in this. Yes, there were some snippets of his personality, but the narration felt very distant. I was engaged by the premise and setting, but not the character. The first two things will carry through a prologue okay in they are interesting enough, as they are in this case, but if the narration continued to be this distant and didn't delve further into the characters, I would probably loose interest. I am curious about whose POV the rest of the story will be from and how the prologue connects to it.

This chapter flew by! In the first scene, I loved the awkwardness with I and S. The dialogue was exactly what one would expect from two people who had some kind of falling out though I wonder if there could be one more two more hints that as to what was coming, maybe I notices something odd about the windows on the way in or something, but obviously doesn't figure out what it means. "I'll never except that" should this be accept ? "When T and I unlock this door...." Interesting turn of events. "rebounded off of the door" Try the windows next? "The shutters had somehow been locked too" I'm sure you've spent lots of time describing houses, but now I'm forgetting whether or not the windows have glass and if it would be normal for the shutters to be closed today. It would be interesting to include a tiny bit of description of the house here, noting the shutters are closed. If I noticed something different about them and wondered about it, right before I opened the door, it would cue the reader that something else might be going on and up the tension. Since I's been here recently, she could notice this hadn't' been there before or something. The rest of this paragraph is great! I love how quick I is to take action and assess the situation and take action, and I love that she breaks out with a big cast iron skillet. I didn't make any other notes until the end. Why didn't she have her scroll? Is that not something people should carry at all times? I don't understand why the guards just brought her to a cell. Given everything that's been going on, you'd think they'd want more information quick and would bring her to someone instead of just leaving her to wait in a cell. They might not know if her info is legit, but I would guess there would be someone higher than door guard who would determine that. Unless the guards are in the revolutionaries pocket and are trying to keep I quiet. Overall, this one had lots of forward motion, I took plenty of action, and it leaves me very much wanting to know what comes next.

I'm glad you find it helpful! I usually have two documents I go back and forth between. I'll have two docs open, though not necessarily side by side and will do a mix of copy pasting and just writing new things, patching them together as necessary. My process seems to evolve a little each time I write a new book, so if I were to summarize it in general, it wouldn't be 100% accurate for everything. So I'll outline the process I went through for novel that got into Pitch Wars . 1. Spent a month writing a chaotic first draft. I didn't so any outlining and only made a few general notes about the concept. 2. left it alone for a month or two. 3. Read over what I wrote and made notes. 4. Opened a new document and copy pasted a chapter, made changes, copy pasted the next etc. 5. Got feedback on the first few chapters. 6. Revised the opening chapters and did another pass over the book to adjust for any ripples the opening revisions caused. 7. Sent the book through RE in 5,000 word increments. Each week, I'd read over the 5,000 word segment and make some little changes, then send it in. At the end of the week, I'd print the feedback and annotate it. After I'd annotate the feedback, I'd save a copy of the chapter, usually something like Ch. 2_post RE and make changes in that doc. When I got through the whole ms, then I went chapter by chapter, compiling them into one document, and made more revisions in the process. 8. Sent to beta readers. 9. Printed and annotated beta reader feedback. Also, I made a list of changes I planned to make. 10. Copy pasted stuff into a new doc 1 chapter at time, making changes to that chapter before brining in the next. 11. Line edit. 12. I thought I was done, so I started querying agents. The rejections made me think I hadn't actually fixed certain problems, so I saved a copy and read through it, looking for things to change. Personalized rejections indicated I still hadn't fixed something. 13: Entered pitch wars and got in. Pitch Wars is a mentorship program that ends with a showcase of work for literally agents to look at and request material from. 14: When my mentor sent be feedback, I had to make and send a revision outline. This is what Katie is referencing. I wrote a 2-4 sentence summary of what happened in the chapter, bullet points of what changes I planned to make, and a 2-4 sentence summary of the beat and emotional arc of the chapter. With other manuscripts, I've made notes like this while marking up a printed copy of the story, but it was hand written notes at the end of the chapter. This was my first time putting it all in one document as a formal outline. At this point, I also went back and typed up character bios and backstory. I also put together some world-building notes. Both things I should've done between the 1st and second draft. 15. When I revised, I did keep the bones of the story, but was changing a lot, so I went chapter by chapter, writing new content where necessary and copy pasting when I was keeping a section or just making smaller changes to it. Once I had a 50 or 60 page section done, I'd printed it, mark it up with colorful pens, save as, and then put the changes new doc. Now I'm waiting to hear back from my mentor. I'll get some more feedback and hopefully line edits. If there isn't going to be major rewriting, I won't so the copy paste thing. I'll just "save as" and start making changes in the document. Overall, the parts of the process that changed over time have to do with how many cycles off feedback I go through, and whether it's alpha readers then beta readers, or RE and then beta readers. I've made outlines for some of my more recent stories before I drafted, though I didn't always stick with the outline.

I agree with this. Personal stakes would go a long way. You're right that there really aren't many stories that pick this moment to start, but it has a lot of potential. It felt a little refreshing to start at what is normally an ending. That was one of the things that drew me in. I agree with this and a lot of what @Robinski said in his overall notes. Me too! Agree. Later, there were other places, maybe in the council meeting, where some of the different leaders seemed a little too cheery, while others had a more appropriate serious tone.

I'm definitely interested in reading more. It was different to have the story start at the end of the revolution instead of the begining, in a good way. There is a lot of work and chaos in the transition from the old government to the new, which creates plenty of room for plot, tension, and stakes. I can tell from your opening that your narrator has a secret, which will create good tension, and you dropped just enough info from the dying ruler to make me very curious. I imagine it is related to why no one else can touch the Tear. I liked the idea that she was just the face, not the sole leader, but I did not like how she was talked down to, especially when one person called her "puppet" . If they want her to be their face to the public and cooperate, you'd think they'd show her a little more respect. The narrator had a voice that was distinguishable from the rest, and some of the characters did talk different from each other. El was also fairly distinct. The A who got killed early on also had a distinct voice. There were a few lines that stood out to me as off. -"All her troubles were over now." That sounded pretty naive. One set of troubles was over, but why would she assume the rest would be easy? A transition of power like this is going to have plenty of troubles to come. And other interactions with people didn't make her seem naive enough to think that. -"Great!...the sooner we can go and free my people and destroy..." Something about this sounded like it just didn't fit but I am having trouble articulating why. Maybe put a little more thought into how some off the different species talk and act when they're all coming together. That was the one place where I felt some of the voices needed a little more work. I'm looking forward to reading more!

That's a nice goal and this group is a great place to improve! You are not alone in the typo club. My post are often full of typos, and I admit, some of my submissions have more errors than other people's. My ADHD brain really struggles with the kind of focus I need to see missing words and when I'm using the wrong form of a word, and if there is a high chance critiques will lead me to deleting half of what I've written, I will only spend so much time searching for those errors. The last thing I sent, an opening to a short story, was 1500 words and I will likely trim it down to 500 now that I have feedback. It does sound like a good time to get feedback, especially if you are trying to figure out what to trim. :-)

I didn't make a lot of comments as I read because in terms of little things, I enjoyed the writing. The sentences were well constructed, the imagery was beautiful and there were some nice moments with the family. The voice and emotion were strong, and the opening portion showed and/or confirmed how I's view about the government had really changed. That scene worked as a start to the chapter. But in terms of plot? I felt like that didn't move forward too much. The chapter with the BK's POV didn't move it forward as that one really just was his internal narrative telling the reader about his plans for Irene. I was clearly happy to be back with the family, but that didn't do much plot-wise or add to the character arc until the later part of the reunion when she was talking to her brother outside. That part did show some character progression. The part with S seemed a little more significant since there has been lots of tension between them and so far, S does have stronger ties to the plot than the rest of the family. In terms of revision, I'm going to guess ripples from earlier chapters will affect what you end up doing here and determine what gets kept, cut, or changed once you have a stronger grasp on all the plot/stakes stuff your working on for your next revision.

Content Warning: Language (I know, it's YA, but teens swear in real life and in plenty of trad pubbed YA novels) This is potentially the start of a short story I'm writing with intent to submit it to a specific call for submissions for queer YA stories set in the future. It's very rough (a first draft), and probably takes too long to get to the plot considering I'm hoping the complete draft turns out to be about 5,000 words (the stories can be between 4,000 and 8,000). Right now, I'm mostly interested in feedback on voice and character (though I'll gladly consider whatever feedback you offer). Before I get too invested in this, I want to know if the above things are working. I'm writing in first person present tense with what I think is a stream of consciousness narrator. I don't usually write present tense. If you see me slip into past tense, let me know. Otherwise, don't worry too much about LBLs or grammar as I suspect portions of this may get cut. I'm open to suggestions about which parts could be cut. I'm 97% sure I'll change the title. That was just the first thing that popped into my head.

I am typing on my phone, so I apologize if there are typos or weird autocorrect. The dialogue had 18th or 19th century vibes to me. Maybe more 19th. The caravan threw me off at first but after skimming through the comments I understood it. setting? Somewhere in asia? I am interested and would read more though I do wonder if the opening could be trimmed. I wasn’t sure where it was going and kept expecting a historical romance with the emperor , but I think he is dead...or people are pretending he is dead? If he is dead, can it come sooner? otherwise, I thought you created an interesting mc, and am now guessing he? She? They? Will have to solve the murder. a little more description might be good but that will be easy enough to add in edits. I’m looking forward to reading more!

I was thinking of maybe asking for a slot for this impromptu short I started last night. It would be well under the word limit and just to get a sense of if the voice and character are working. I haven't figured out the plot yet. At the most I think I'll have maybe 2500 words. Probably less.

Hi! Nice to meet you! Writing is a skill that can be improved and critique groups are a great place to learn and improve if you are open to feedback. And I find a learn just much from critiquing other people's work as do from getting my own critiqued.

I see you already got an answer, but I just wanted to say that I had to ask about that too. I tried and failed to figure it out on my own.

As an old reader, I was happy to check in with A and she how she was doing. I had not forgotten much about her, so it was easy to immerse myself back in the world. The details about the backstory and world building did seem more naturally incorporated. It reminded me what happened in the last three books without overwhelming me with details. I loved seeing A stressed and not comfortable in ruler duties...exactly in character. The voice in this chapter was much stronger than the prologue. But it terms of the arc...I wasn't sure what to make of this chapter. So did E essentially pay GF to convince A to take a vacation and/or retire? I feel fuzzy on what G4 was doing there. I feel like I am just missing something about the purpose of that whole shenanigan. Especially since GF was really digging into A by the end, more like an old friend than someone who only met her once before. There were some hints as to how this is connected to the prologue, but the prologue is what seems to set up the plot. This seems to set up a possible character arc for A. It does prove the prologue is necessary (something I might have been questioning before) because without the prologue, I wouldn't have had enough plot to really go on. I wasn't really either... And I was a little nervous about them flirting so much...in my head I was like, is A going to cheat on E? And then I was wondering if their relationship had turned open in the shorts between the series and E sent GF there to sleep with A. I was confused. I was wondering all of these things. I know in the previous books, there were poly relationships, but if I remember right, they tended to happen when the third gender folks were involved. And from where I left off in the Third Don, I thought A and E were just together. However, it's been a while since I read it. 100% Agree. Take some time off seems much more reasonable than retire...considering the planet is in her head. Same questions. It seems like many of us, both new and old readers, were confused about this.

Agree! I didn't think of this when I was reading, but after reading @Mandamon's comment here, I agree. Interesting! Good questions.

In a lot of ways, I felt like this chapter had tension and forward movement that others lacked. It went by very quickly. I was very excited to see M breaking and entering. I liked that they almost got caught. However, it felt rushed and I didn't get the feeling of being as deep in M's head as I did in some of their other chapters. Something felt missing from this one. Maybe it's something that could be fixed by just slowing down the action so you linger a little more in each moment, and then doing another sentence level pass. You could play up the close call more. Show more of M's reaction to things getting caught or of them not going according to plan. In the next scene, I was glad to see I take some initiative, and then of course regret it. I loved the moment where she asked M how she could help. I enjoyed the line about cheap wine being better than expensive wine. My favorite red wine is under $10 a bottle. There was a ton of tension in the part where everyone is getting frisked. But then it seems like they never actually frisk I. Did they skip her? Did I miss something? Was I supposed to assume BK used his telepathy or glamour to make them miss her? To me, this scene ended really abruptly and I want to know how she got out of getting caught. There was very little mention of J in this chapter. I'd love to see a few tiny moments that show how things have changed now that they've admitted to their feelings and decided to be together. I liked that I was pushing BK for answers. I remember a tiny bit of set up for the charms, but not quite enough to make I's realization about them have as much impact as it could. However, I know you've revised a lot, so I'm going assume that has changed. I'm looking forward to reading more!

I think as long as she has a little more reaction and emotion about what is happening. I'd like to have a little more sense of her motive earlier on, even if she doesn't act on it right away, and then while reading, I'd probably be more patient with the swept away part. I agree. I think it is more interesting if its not revenge. So if this is one motive, I definitely want to know more of her internal thoughts and reactions when the other characters start talking about the gods and her abilities. She might not know what she is yet, but if I remember right, the others are speculating about her origins, so that would be a good place to start digging into that motive more. I'm not sure what to suggest for a second motive, but wanting freedom and to discover her origins is a start. That might be enough. How does working for them affect her chances if getting the answers she wants? Does it help? Get in the way? If they have information she wants, then by working for them, she could be working towards getting it. If they don't, working for them could be an obstacle stopping her from getting. Either or those, or possibly something else, would create good tension. Her being stuck helping them is a great opportunity to create tension, especially if at first, she doesn't like all of them. And she isn't really free if she can only help them, so in turn, she has to help them defeat the people who enslaved her so she isn't hunted and killed, even if she doesn't actually want revenge. You don't necessarily need to solidify her loyalties to them right away. I think there is more tension if she isn't too keen on them at first and they have to earn her loyalty somehow.

I think this is a great idea. There are so many of other types of intrusive thoughts you could use that won't perpetuate the stigma of mentally ill people being dangerous or violent. Also, don't worry about making the OCD seem related to the average reader. Focus more on accuracy. It's much more important to portray something accurate and respectful, and do try to write something that fight the stigma, not further it. Other aspects of the character can and are plenty relatable.

In my case, I had a short in an anthology that earned a lot of royalties so when combined with $0.03 per word advance, it equaled a pro-rate. Then I flash pieces accepted to places that had flat rates no matter how long the story was, so it came out to a pro-rate for my piece, but it wouldn't have for someone else's longer piece in the same anthology or zine. But none of them were official SWFA venues. Other people in the first anthology I mentioned used it to get in, but for short fiction, I think you need three pro-sales. The way the language was worded my others might have counted. Then there was one that was a contest, but I think contests don't count or have different requirements. I remember getting myself very confused and deciding I would wait until I sold more shorts, but then I stopped writing shorts and focused on novels.

I'm not. I thought about trying to join, but it was kind of fuzzy and gray as to whether some of my publications counted or not. I started the application to join a few times and changed my mind half way through it.