shatteredsmooth

I think I agree with this. The situation or relationship with M and his son isn't really the kind of hero/villain dynamic that I associate with this line. Like if it were TOM, it might work. But Q and his son haven't had any kind of on and off interaction over a significant period of time like Sherlock and Moriarty did.

Welcome to Reading Excuses! I want to start by saying that you've created a fascinating world. You have a detailed history and magic system laid out, and I am excited to see what happens. That being said, I agree with the others that the story doesn't seem to start in the right place. There were some nice moments, but for the most part, I was overwhelmed with all the new information being conveyed and the lack of things happening around it. I was not very engaged while reading because I felt like I was just being told as much as I could be told about the world without really knowing what the story was. Keep in mind, you don't have to tell the readers everything all at once. A lot of the information can be doled out as the story gets going. My final drafts almost never start where my first drafts did. Often, I need to write things to figure out the world and characters, and then go back and figure out what the reader needs to know when, which isn't the same as what I as the writer need to know. Regarding the prologue, I had some feedback out it, which mostly involved trimming a lot the part where you tell the reader about A and getting to the part where things happen sooner, but if you are eventually going to try to get an agent for this, then it's probably best to cut the prologue like @kais said. Granted, one of my favorite lines was in the prologue when A was describing the fish before heading home from the river. "trying to read every book in the Repository and then combine things that should never be combine and calling it new research." This line made me laugh a little. I like the places like this where you brought in some humor. However, around this point, I was also starting to loose interest because nothing was happening, and the character development was getting buried under all the exposition and world building. The endurance class sounds disturbing, but also adds an interesting layer to the world. The voice sounds a cheery and young, so something this dark caught me off guard a little. "...at least 10 spikes, but she also knew what was unlikely" Why is that unlikely? "...wondering how he could get these two an approval..." Did the POV change? That really threw me. It felt like close third for most of the chapter, and all of the epilogue, so I wasn't expecting to jump into another characters head. @Mandamon has some great advice in his post, including an example of how to write a catchier opening! I also agree with a lot of what @kais wrote, particularly what they said about info dumps and wanting feel or experience things with the characters instead of just being told about them.

I was very engaged in this chapter and hardly made any notes. There was lots of tension and emotion, and I feel for the VRs. A good balance of action and emotion with good payoff at the end. There was one little part where I got confused was when Q was around when Q got to the control room through the access chute. I was having a hard time picturing where the other habitats were and how they were being accessed. Were all those habitats on one level? Were the characters who weren't with him going up and down through the access chute thing? How were they getting to the different habitats? How did the VRs get to 2? Hadn't they been on a different level? At the bottom of p. 11, "He had reached Habitat Eight’s control panel, started scanning immediately, trying to hurry things up, turned off the opacity—" But then he tells D that the two women are in three. When I got to the last sentence, all I could hear and envision was the Moriarty from the BBC Sherlock... I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

I agree wth this, but I didn't feel like the descriptions in that section fully accomplished this. Even with a close reread, I felt like the descriptions were distant, more in tune with authorial voice than E's voice. On the other hand, in Ch. 9, the description was very much in E's voice and did exactly what you describe here.

I am so guilty of this in most of my drafts.

I haven't been the first one to comment on something in a long time! I wasn't as engaged with it as I have been in your other chapters. As far as structure goes, I like that there seems to be less back and forth. Page 3 to 4 My attention was torn between E's internal conflict and all the stuff happening on the street while they walked. The background distracted me from the conflict I was trying to engage with and the conflict, which I thought was more important, made it hard for me to care about the worldbuilding going on in the background. The part where I felt like the internal struggle and background world building was most related was at the end of page 4 when the voices start talking as opposed to just being general feelings. In the paragraphs before that, I wasn't super interested. Personally, I would find her study of the beings more interesting if she was directly thinking about what it would be like to change into them, or if one of the voices was. It could also be a seed to set up for what happens when she turns into one of the E. I got a little confused on page 5, partially because on my first read through, I missed the tag indicating that these were two separate voices: "S took another step forward. Kill them! Shouted one voice from within. He deserves you, not the other instance. Said the big one. Your brother will only seek to undermine your station with him. It is why we absorbed our other instances. Let the two aspects become one, so they are truly united." However, even knowing this on the second read through, I still found the exchange that follows a little confusing. I get one voice wants her to kill I and S, where the other just wants her to absorb I. That makes me think I is the one who is in more danger, and that because of the conflict of the voices, she'd be less likely to loose control around S. After all, it seems like the big one wants her to keep S alive, but just not have to share him with I. But I'm not 100% sure. On page 6 and 7, I'm not sure which words belong to which voice. Page 8: "You can stay in control, if you are strong. That was a new voice, and it sounded peaceful, confident. The others, strangely, were quiet." I like this! I'm guessing this is the pillar voice she talks to in the chapter where she is amount the E? Overall, it seems like the flow of the story is improving, but the chapter still might need a little more fine tuning.

It would definitely help. He would have more agency, and it would reveal more about him. I think knowing some little details about P would help a lot, more of his habits, maybe. A little bit of where he lives. Consider adding a scene between him leaving the Deathless for the night and when he goes back in the morning. It doesn't have to be long, but maybe it could show us what he worries about loosing. What is at stake for him if the Deathless are no longer deathless? Maybe the problem was because a lot of the character building happened during the exposition scenes, his character got buried under all the new information being delivered. It may have something to do with the way I read and process information, but on my first read through, the exposition seemed louder to me than the character details, so what I took away from it was exposition, not character. So that alone wasn't quite enough.

The world and concept is was really interesting. I loved the idea of a moss that could make people immortal and how having a select group who didn't age would affect society. Your story explores fascinating question, but it didn't quite sustain my interest. The concept is important, but characters are what really draw me and engage me. I felt like I never got to know the POV character very well. I didn't learn much about him. He didn't do much. He didn't seem to learn much for changed. He seemed like he was more or less a device to deliver information about the world and to give the deathless a chance to tell his story and share his message. The deathless was a little more developed than the POV character, but he still felt rather distant and removed from the narrative. There wasn't quite enough for me to engage with him either. I think if you could find a way to delve more into the characters, to let reader get to know them better, to have them interact in more meaningful ways and really teach each other something as opposed to having one tell something to the other, then this could be a really cool story! As I read: P. 1 "P stared absently into this reversed sunset casting its shadows all the wrong ways across the tiled roofs of the small village." I love this line, but I can't picture it. There wasn't enough detail in the description that came before it. "In the west, the black limousine slowly climbed its way back and forth across the hills towards the town, hopefully bringing salvation." Can he actually see this? Or is he picturing it? I'm not quite oriented enough to the surroundings to be picture what he is seeing. Also, after reading the opening lines, I was thinking the orange glow was the deathless and the limo was going to save him from it, but in reality, the glow was a fire and the deathless was supposed to stop the fire. Definitely consider reworking the opening somehow. p. 6 "In the first century, many had tried to steal the moss they guarded; some had succeeded." The mention of moss seemed to come out of nowhere. I think a concise mention of the moss' link to the deathless and the forest a little sooner could help. Maybe dole a little bit out of this out ahead of time so you don't have as much to say here. This whole section changed my perception of the fire and what was at stake, but it wasn't necessarily in a good way. I had settled into one expectation and didn't like it changing at this moment. At the end of this segment,the exposition was loosing my interest. In general, I don't tend mind big chunks of exposition like this, but I didn't like this one. I think it's because there isn't enough character development yet. Also because of what I mentioned about it changing the stakes. I'd like to know the importance of this forest as soon as I know it's burning. p. 7 The next scene has more backstory exposition too soon. "The brush management was currently in a cycle of build-up according to the sacred forest’s master plan drawn up by S F, the ecologist who had been elevated for ending the cycle of wildfires that had plagued North America’s west coast." This was where it clicked that the deathless was being so slow with everything because he wanted the forest to burn. In hind sight, it made his previous behavior make sense. p. 9 "When I would inhale the smoke from the moss each day, my wife had to leave the room" Would people be getting a dose of the moss from the forest fire? How will that affect them? The POV character mentions the smoke but never really thinks about how it might be affecting him. S F has a different first time on this page than she did on page 7. p. 10 "The man’s silhouette was black against the gray sky. Smoke swirled into the air from the forest that continued to burn just over the horizon. “And now it is finished.” The end felt a little abrupt. The purpose and message has been revealed, but was done so without much character growth or development, and I think that lack is what made the end feel abrupt. I had a lot to critique, so I do want to reiterate that I love the concept and premise. Most of the overall structure works too. With more character development and eventually more editing, I think this will be a really cool story!

It's been a while since I read the last one, but I think this is a big improvement. There was definitely more focus and urgency. I was a little surprised at how Eff V hadn't know her other instance was dead. Initially, it felt like her reaction to his death was because she was told about the death. As I read on in the chapter, I realized it was more of a gradual process that had probably started before S, I, and E arrived. I don't remember feeling this sense of surprise the first time around, so I'm wondering if it is because of information I gleaned from later in the book, from I's certainty that he's know if E died. I also kept forgetting how little time had passed since the other Eff died. I don't think that is a fault of your writing so much as it is the time between me reading the end of one book and the start of the next. The moment where E thought she heard I's music was a nice set up for their teaming up to open the portal later. It's not exactly the same, but there two instances where you use very similar phrases about Sam's anxiety at being the center of attention: "the fright of being the center of attention" "the panic of being the center of attention" Maybe re word one of them? He does seem surprisingly calm. There are a few moments where he seems aware of a few other things, like decisions regarding what is or isn't important. Either having him more aware of why he seems so calm, or ramping up the emotion could enhance the chapter.

I was once again fascinated by the E chapter again, but it didn't have the same magic or sense of wonder as the first one did. Part of me wondered how much we really needed two different chapters of scuttling around in E form, until we got to the part where she saw S and went to save him. I felt a little cheated that I didn't get to see more of the saving in action from either her POV or S's. S seemed to have struggled a lot to get where he was when he emerged and part of me really wants to know how he got back in the wall and got back to the other facet. I agree. I haven't read the new chapter one yet, but right now, it feels very circular. I'm starting to wonder what is going on with the rest of the characters. Same. I feel like this wasn't earned in a way. I didn't see S go through the process of making that decision. I didn't see him process things in a way that lead to the change of heart, so I'm having trouble believing it. If it was there, it wasn't quite enough.

Me too!

Am I allowed to just say good things? I think this was one of my all time favorite Dissolution 'verse chapters ever. At least E's part was. The E section of the chapter was downright fascinating. I did notice this too, but only in the very begining. Once I was fully immersed in the memories the voice became more distinct. The memories were almost as fascinating as E's section. What would think of zooming in on a few more specific memories? Something felt a little abrupt about the way it ended after the memories.

I loved the action in this. I LOVED M's POV and foul mouth in sewage tunnel. Though at times, I did get confused. I know she was crawling, but at one point, I thought she was walking hunched over. After, when she started climbing the fence, I kept thinking, "why didn't they do that in first place." I had that same thought again when they blew up the fence. It made it seem like the whole stinking (pun intended) crawl was for nothing. Agree! Also, I, like M, was getting attached to them in the way Q thinks M was getting attached to them. I was also very confused at the end. I couldn't tell if the soldiers saw them, or just happened to be destroying the door thing they were behind. Yes. And at least for the next couple weeks, I should be able to read subs on time! :-)

I was pretty engaged with this one and don't have a lot to critique about it. I'm also diving back in after a bit of a break, so the "travel" aspect of it didn't bother me, but I'm not sure if it is because they are definitely getting somewhere now or because it's been so long since I read the other travel chapters. Either way, this one was great! As I read: "D hands roving over his weapon..." Missing apostrophe "...he needs rid of M" Missing word? Or is this grammatically okay? I'm not sure. "Anyone know who MiH... is?" I was a little confused as to what prompted this question. Upon re reading, it made more sense, but I think it was because I wasn't sure which one of them was talking after the screen lit up. "VL1..." Still confused. "My mother warned me about opening strange links," I loved this line! And by now I figured out that this came through on one of their handset. I love the app! To be honest though, when I first saw it, I thought they were going to ride the Vs and was a little dissapointed when they were just an escort. I did not get the reference that names were connected to. The ending made me eager to read the next chapter. Heading over to that thread now.

I'd rather get to new stuff. You could always just include a little summary of how the last part changed. That's fine with me. With the following week being shorter, the two subs will end up averaging out to the right lengths. And I get so caught up in your subs that I probably wouldn't even notice the extra words.

I like the idea framing device you used in the story, but the way it was set up in the begining caused me some confusion. When the narrative switched first person, for some reason, I thought it was a flash back, when it was actually the quest the magician had agreed to take on in the first paragraph. I started reading almost thinking that this was how the magician found out about the blade, that this tale was leading up to the scene we started with. I started to question that as the story went on and eventually figured out that this wasn't a flash back or the events leading up to the opening, but things happening before it. However, because there was a time when I wasn't quite sure, I spent too much time trying to figure it out and didn't really engage with the story too deeply. I didn't make many line by line notes because my mind was too busy trying to figure out whether it was a flash back and/or why I thought it was when it doesn't seem to be. If I am the only one who had this issue, then it may just be a "me" thing and not a story thing. Here are the notes I did make as I read: "I had thought time and memory had amplified it beyond reason, but I have been mistaken." This line made me think the mc had seen this Seelie before. "She has let go of my hand now, and I find myself hoping that was not the last time our hands will touch" Something about the tense here feels off here and is making the sentence seem awkward. "What a grand failure that would be, to return to my world with no blade, no body, and no name." This was one of the lines that made it finally clear to me that this was actually chronologically after the opening scene, and I was wrong about the flashback / starting at the end thing. Because I was hung up on what I wrote about above, I didn't make many specific comments like the others did. After skimming their comments, I agreed with a lot of them. In general, I liked the first person present tense. I feel like so many adult fantasy stories are third person past that it was kind of refreshing to see something like this. Some of Holly Black's more recent faerie stories are first person present and work really well. Being YA they do have a very different voice, but I think it does work for your story too.

Overall, was initially a little stumped by this chapter in terms of how I wanted to critique it. I liked it, for the most part. I was engaged. It started off calm and tension gradually built. I liked how confident S was. It ended on a note that certainly has me wanting to read on. Yet, something felt missing. I'm wondering if I would feel differently about this chapter if I was reading the whole thing straight through or if this is more of a WRS thing. I kept thinking it felt fragmented, like it wasn't a whole chapter, but then I realize that isn't a whole chapter, at least not according to the title. I agree with this. I also was a little confused here. Not so much that it completely pulled me out of the narrative, but enough that I wasn't quite sure if I was picturing it right.

This one was much more satisfying than the last one. Instead of feeling like another false start, it felt like the characters actually got somewhere and had more agency in the situation, especially when it came to Kr. His attack on the agents seemed like a turning point for his character, showed he had fully bought into Q's mission. The others mentioned the problem still not fully being fixed. Is there someone way to have them have to work to get this information from the Feds instead of the feds just being lying in wait for them? This is also a good question. How long has it been since MR and TT were there? Were they there? Is there any evidence that DM came and took them with a struggle? How long had the feds been there? Was it just a trap for Q & M? I loved the descriptions walking along the ice, and the dinos. I agree it distracts from the emotional arc, but I'm okay with that as long as the Velrs do get some important role to play soon. In this particular scene, I'm more interested in the dinos, the scenery, and the emotion that comes through all that description than I would be in more dialogue or being more in the characters heads. There can be a lot of emotion and metaphor in nature description, especially given the setting of this piece. Agree. This threw me a little too. Initially I was thinking it was just about politics, about the election. I liked it...but I can see the point of changing it too. Yeah. I was reading it too literally, so I think you do need to reword a little.

I mean, if the character actually uses both pronouns, like I use both they and she, then that is okay, but I got the impression from when this character was first introduced that that wasn't case and their pronoun was they. It's been a while since I read it though, so I could be remembering wrong.

I would've been happy with more from the dinner scene.

I have mixed feelings about the walk back to the twins after the failed attempt to cross the wall. You do achieve a sense of wonder with S watching the other species doing things like build. It makes me expect that there is going to be something significant about those beings later on. However, it also drains a lot of the tension we just got. That scene in the crystal was tense and with high stakes, and now this feels like an almost leisurely stroll. It also doesn't paint WW in the most positive light with the "normal construction materials" comment. I know the narrative calls it out, but I'm still wondering how necessary the that conversation even is to begin with. I got a little confused when S started asking WW about the voice, because they had that conversation in the previous chapter. Did it get taken out of that chapter in the revision? I was pretty engaged for the rest of it. "He--they?--eyed S..." Doesn't A already know this person's pronouns are "they/them"? It seems unnecessary and kind of demeaning to add the "he." I don't see a reason for the narrative voice to slip and misgender them.

Yes, yes, yes. This all needs to be part of the first two chapters. Reading it with so much between those chapters and this was jarring, but if it were all together in the begining, it would draw me into the book quickly. Another benefit would be that I, the reader, would no something about El that some of the other characters won't know (where they are amassing and that they are eating Nether crystal). The emotion in the first scene of this chapter was fantastic. The scene in the crystal with WW was super tense.

I was a little prickly at first when I saw an Re chapter because he is probably one of my least favorite POV characters in the wholes series, but I think I liked him better in this chapter than any of the ones in book 2. His voice and thought process are very distinct from the other characters, and felt consistent with the last book. I was a little confused at times, like @kais, about what the chapter actually accomplished. I felt like I can almost see but, but it doesn't quite come together. And at the moment, I can't remember what happened to him at the end of the last book. After reading some of your replies, it sounds like you have a good handle on how to fix the murkiness issue. This definitely had more tension than some of the earlier chapters. :-)

What is the novel about and what is your deadline?

Before I opened this thread, I checked the pinned post to make sure you were planning to send something tomorrow, because the end of this chapter made me wish I already had the next one in my inbox. There were a lot of things I enjoyed about this scene. The interaction between K and D around the secret stash of guns, M's reaction to guns. The VelRs. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to like them or think they're cute, but I do in a "maybe they're smarter and more independent than the people who made them think and they'll somehow become allies" and "can I have a pet VelR" kind of way. The call getting intercepted and redirected was great. I like how MC's voice is starting to change a bit. He is less mysterious, more panicked. This led me to the one thing that kind of irked me. That moment when MC revealed that DM had beaten them to the person they've been looking for for almost the whole book, and that person isn't where they thought she was. Something about that made me feel like the rug was being pulled out from under my feet (pardon my cliche) and brings me back to the feeling that these poor characters never really get anywhere. I am looking forward to the next chapter. :-)