shatteredsmooth

For some reason I can't find the thread for Chapter 10, so I'm just going to put my comments for both chapters here. Something about the voice seemed a little off in both. E's voice felt rushed. Her whole part of the chapter seemed a little rushed. I also felt like the gaps between here and when we last read from her POV were big. I kept feeling like I was missing information about her standing with the sheriff and her finding out M over exaggerated his authority to suspend her. "But that was not going to happen. She could retrieve this." Retrieve what? Q saying M was griping about being on the move right before M gripes with very similar wording to what Q used felt a little repetitive. The strange message raises a lot of questions and makes me think that there is someone else playing that we haven't met. I'm almost wondering if this is the person or thing that is in the mystery room T and E had been near in one chapter. Granted, it's been a while since I read that so I could be remembering it wrong. I did like getting the little snippet from K's point of view. It made me curious to see what his involvement will look like in the end. Regarding Chapter 11, I was thinking the same thing as @Mandamon and @industrialistDragon. Q & M are very passive. They are driving, around, sleeping, and reacting to things. I am guessing the unusual animal behavior is because of the MTs, but even with that, it still just seemed a little random, like an unnecessary obstacle that is keeping them from getting to the good stuff. I was also trying and failing to figure out how the history lesson played into the plot and why it was important. M's POV was interesting. Talking about wanting "out" seemed a little out of nowhere though it definitely added some depth to his character. However, I'm having a hard time with how he seems to think everything is going wrong. He says it is, but the narrative seems to be showing things going more or less in his favor. Even though these chapters stumbled a little, I still invested in the story and am looking forward to reading more.

I didn't send mine this week, but I will send it next week.

Sounds good. If I don't get it done today, I will save it for next week.

I have another chapter almost done. It's a little messy, but I still think feedback will help me focus my revision of it. It will be between 2500 and 3000 words. If you guys are okay with me submitting even though I am behind, I can send it today or maybe tomorrow. If not, it can wait. I've given up on the initial deadline I had set myself.

Oh no! I hope you feel better soon!

I more or less agree with this. Q & M are very entertaining, but I know so much they don't. The other POV characters seem to have a much more complicated plot line. As someone who hasn't read the whole first book, this didn't really stand out. Maybe it's WRS, I don't think the suit importance was really played up much. I feel the only reason I thought the suit had much significance was because of that one chapter I read of the first book. I was wondering about this.

So I actually read this one more than a week ago and haven't gotten around to typing up my feedback. Overall, I remember being very engaged and didn't make many notes while reading. The biggest thing I kept thinking about was the order the chapters were coming in regarding POV switches, though I'll refrain from saying much about that because it would probably be better handled by an alpha or beta reading the whole thing straight through. Days after reading, I was still thinking about it, but I was also starting to doubt the plausibility of Q's ambulance heist. Wouldn't he just run into the same problem with the ambulance that he has run into with any stolen vehicle? Here are the few notes I made while reading ".'..pokers' M grinned at her own joke." I didn't get the joke. But I admit, I almost wasn't going to post this comment because it is probably the kind of joke I wouldn't get in real life, and people would stare at me until someone finally explained it and made it seem really obvious. Or my neighbor tells a joke or says something sarcastic and finds it hilarious when I don't get it. Long story short, take anything about me not getting jokes or sarcasm with a grain of salt. "feelings aboutu wrecking" Extra letter. I loved the last sentence of this chapter!

You know, I have not. The only Stephen King books I've read are the first three in The Dark Tower, and I didn't even finish the third one. And I very rarely don't finish books. That probably has something to do with my wrong spelling of his name. I just always used to see tons of his books in antique stores even though they aren't antiques. It seemed like people had a tendency to sell random used books in their booths, and there were always a few Stephen King titles. Part of this isn't WRS and just me trying out ideas and referencing things you didn't read. And I think I'm starting to lose track of what is in various versions of each chapter. I like it too, but @Mandamon and @kais have a good point about the danger of that in a kids book. Kids do stupid things with poison ivy. I remember being a kid and my mom told me about another kid who got it really bad he needed to go to the hospital because he got mad at his parents and rolled in it (there was more to that story, I think). Then my cousins would always get when we played in certain areas where it was prevalent, and I never did. I thought I was allergic, because I had definitely walked through it and felt it brush my legs, and I'd never got a rash. My cousins didn't believe you could be "not allergic" to it. I rubbed poison ivy leaves on my arms. Believe it or not, I did not have any reaction to it. However, if I am not mistaken, repeated exposure can cause someone who is not allergic to develop an allergy or sensitivity to it. Had I done something like that again, I might not have been so lucky. Anyway, my point is that I think I was a kind of smart kid, but I was stupid enough to rub poison ivy on my arms. I would feel horrible if some kid read this and decided to burn poison ivy to chase off pretend ghosts. Plus, the initial set up for it had been accidental, and when @Robinski said something about Chekov's Poison Ivy, I decided I wanted to do something with it. So it's not even fully my original idea. I think if it was an adult novel, what you and Robinski said about it raising the stakes by putting the character in danger would be fine. But not in a kids book. What I'm thinking is keeping the poison ivy as something ghost tend to avoid or can't cross, but deleting any mention of burning or picking it. Then E could use it to corner M in their final show down. I may have to research this a little more. Earlier this summer I had been researching trees native to my area, trying to figure out what the local conservation commission might let me plant near the lake, and sassafras had been on a list of native trees I found somewhere on the internet, but then after researching it, I decided it wasn't what I wanted. I think some part of it, maybe the bark or roots, was toxic to dogs. I also don't think it was something I could've walked into a garden center and bought. But anyway, I remember it having some interesting properties. It might be worth researching for this. Thanks for the feedback!

I do. I have a lot of freedom and very little supervision. Which means I can make my students read and write about dystopian fiction. They can compare social justice issues in the dystopian world to present day social justice issues. I think it's great. I'm not so sure about the students. But in the past, when I used book length non-fiction or traditional textbooks, I got very very bored. Granted, my reading class is the only one reading a whole book. My comp 1 read articles I assign at first, and then when they get to the research paper, they choose their own reading material.

English Comp 1 and a companion course for students whose placement tests scored their writing as below "college level." This semester I am also teaching a class called Reading, Writing, and Reasoning, which is a 6-credit reading and writing course for students placed as below college level for both reading and writing. I'm good at teaching writing. However, I find teaching reading very difficult, probably because I don't teach it often.

LOL It is an adjustment, especially after having August completely off, but I've had much much worse semesters. One Fall semester I was tutoring at least 25 hours and teaching 18 credits (6 classes) scattered across three colleges, and did my first NaNoWriMo...so I really shouldn't complain about 19 hours tutoring and teaching 12 credits (4 classes). But last spring, I had my 20 hours tutoring, but enrollment was low I only taught 6 credits (two classes), and it was sooooo nice. The pressure, of course, is all from myself. Thanks! Writing and my mental health are very tangled up. I always need to have a WIP, and by now, I'd been hoping to have the one I was sending you guys ready to send out to alpha or beta readers so I could forget about it a while and go back to working on the next installment in my Evanstar Chronicles. Starting messy first drafts with familiar characters are perfect for when I'm really busy. But I don't think I'll be able to focus on any other books until I finish draft 2 of this one and get it sent off to alpha or beta readers.

LOL but it's winter in Canada. I guess I was wondering how preventable the frost heaves, actually were.

My brain is not adjusting well to the start of the semester, and I've been completely overwhelmed. I am teaching twice as many classes as I did in the spring. Tabling at a con last weekend didn't help. My mental health is kind of shaky, though I hope it regulates soon. I'm sorry I haven't gotten to the submissions. I'll read them all eventually, but it's going to take a little time to work out when I'll have time to read. I'm also incredibly frustrated with myself because I have two chapters left to submit for Junk Junction. One is written but needs a little work before I send it in. Originally this chapter was supposed to be the end, but it's not, so I need to write one more. I had meant to have these last two subs ready to ahead of time, but I don't and now I'm not sure if I'm going to get to them before I start getting edits for contracted work. I'm going to try my best to get caught up on reading and get those last two chapters done. If my comments seem off like I seem over sensitive to your comments on my story, please don't take it personally. My head just isn't in a good place at the moment, and I don't want to just vanish from the group. If my comments on your pieces don't make quite as much sense, or if it seems like I'm struggling to give constructive feedback, know that it is temporary and eventually, I'll be more myself again.

Fair enough. I'm not attached to that and it was something relatively new to the manuscript, so I will definitely take it out. I haven't finished reading the comments, but this is an important one. The poison ivy thing was this weird whim that I probably should've just ignored...I kept talking myself into keeping it for illogical reasons. I'm sorry. Thank you!

Hi All, I had been planning to read over this one more time, but I had a long day at work, and my students used most of my ability read words and make sense of them. This submission starts with the second part of Ch. 11, right where the other submission left off. I think I need help making 11.5 make sense and/or making the backstory make sense. I'm uncertain about the pacing / reactions in 12. Where should I slow down? Where do I need to show more reaction from my characters? Any other feedback you have is welcome, but like usual, don't worry about correcting grammar. It's probably a little worse this time than usual. Thanks! Sara P.S. I will get caught up on submissions soon. I haven't quite worked out how to efficiently manage my time now that I'm back to my full teaching and tutoring schedule. Notes regarding earlier changes that affect these chapters: The sword might be more of a dagger or dirk now Alex "reads" by absorbing previous readers' memories from books. Or, in the case of a handwritten journal, the writers' memories. p. 5 There is talk of M's motives, which was set up when I revised the chapter that the kids found the journal in. p. 7 The ghost spray wasn't in the version you read. It's been in my head for a couple weeks. It's in the new version of 10 and in my notes to add to earlier chapters when I revise again. Previously in Junk Junction: Ch. 1-2: E's mom gets turned into a mannequin in an antique shop. A haunted doll helps E's and the shop dog escape the same fate. Ch. 3-4: E gathers supplies from Junk Junction and does research in a library. Then they venture out to find food and a psychic. They meet D, a 13-year-old psychic whose mom is missing. They think D's mom's disappears is related to E's mom and Mx.R getting turned into mannequins. Ch. 5-6: E & D do research in D's mom's office. D tells E more about the circumstances surrounding her mom's disappearance. In the morning, the two kids return to the shop, only to find the mannequins gone and the phrase "come find me" spelled out with teacups. Ch. 7: E & D return to Junk Junction, only to find the mannequins missing along with an assortment of other items. They go to D's house, and find some of the missing items are there along with another message from M. Ch. 8-9: E & D get back to the office safe. A makes a mess throwing books around and finds an journal with some potentially useful information. E learns how to more clearly sense ghosts and their energy. The next morning, E, D, and A leave for the mill. On the way, they discover a river full of bones presumably stolen from their graves by M in an attempt to find A's bones. Chapter 10: The group gets to the mill. A disappears. The moms aren't there. E and D are ambushed by a group of mannequins that M is controlling like puppets. They defeat the mannequins and escape. Ch. 11 part 1: The kids hideout in the woods. We learn that M isn't 100% evil and that A was absent from the fight because he was caught in a memory loop.

I'm assuming they wouldn't have known when they hired him. Thanks for the feedback! I am behind on everything but will get to yours soon!

I'd like a slot for Monday the 16th, please. I'm so close to the end of this book! I'm struggling to make the second half of 11 make sense, but if I don't have it good shape by Monday, I don't think it's going to improve without help. I will probably also send the chapter that follows it, because 12 is on the shorter side.

So I was playing around on Google maps, and if I do change the name of the real town, take some small liberties, then the park they hide out in is about a mile away, and they pass through the cemetery I imagine Alex's friend's bones were stolen from on the way there. On the back side of the park, there is a lot of farm land that would have the abandoned barn they plan to camp out in, and they're not too far from the the next place they go -- the old house Mx. R took the M mannequin from, which I imagine in a neighborhood in Woodstock full of big old houses, some of which would've belonged to mill owners. I think having a map of a real place to go on will help me focus more on explaining where things are, and if I'm changing town names, I can change some things. Does that make sense?

If I change the name of the real town, then I guess I don't have to be 100% accurate with it either. I think I have very much neglected describing the larger setting. For example, you said But the mill is in a more developed area than the one they just left. There are old mill building all over New England, most are in cities or larger towns. Very few of them are actually still mills -- most have been converted to housing, restaurants, shopping malls, storage, art space, and/or offices. They're seldom just out in the middle of nowhere. That also makes it more appealing to a developer who doesn't believe in it's haunted history and thinks it can use that haunted history as a marketing gimmick / tourist draw. I've been so focused on other elements of the story that I didn't realize how little description I was giving it until I read comments about.

For some reason my villains are often the last thing I flesh out. M is just starting to come together in my head, so hopefully I can give her more depth on the page as I revise. I think everyone got tripped up on this and it was because of a few missing sentences. Ok, maybe a missing a paragraph. The one described was the first one. And then they found a second, and the lines between the two seem to have disappeared...or only ever existed in my head... I went back and added more detail, blocking, and reaction to this bit. Today, after considering this feedback and comments on the next section, I rewrote this part so that A is with them when they go into the mill. He confirms the top floors are empty, and that they need to search the basement. Right around when the song starts, he disappears, and there is uncertainty about whether he deserted them or if something bad happened to him. Reworded to something like "the gremlins from that creepy old movie my mom loves" Some of you are probably going to laugh at me or cringe or both, but in the very first draft, in addition to G, there was also a cat. The cat got deleted before anyone read the ms...this appears to be the first reference to him that I missed. Yay! I took your advice about playing up the magical properties, though I don't think @Robinski will like it. Yay! Thank you! @hawkedup Your big picture suggestions were great. Thanks! Thank you again to all of you! I did a lot of revision and editing today and think the chapter is shaping up.

Ok, I'm not the only that thought this. This is spot on how I reacted, but I've only been married 6 years. Maybe that is another song? One where you sing about love and toasters? That aside, I do think @kais had a good idea about the small things love can do. I could read two or three at once. It took me almost two weeks to get to this time, but that was more because I procrastinated actually commenting because I was worried I wasn't going to give useful feedback. I'll procrastinate less with the next one.

Alright, I've had this open on my desktop for two weeks and every couple of days, I stare at it and try to figure out what kind of feedback to give. I've never written a song before, and my musical knowledge is limited to beginner piano lessons and a few summers of being in the chorus for musicals because I wanted to be in the play with my friends but didn't have enough singing skills to actually have a part in a musical. I tried to approach it like a poem, but I've always been terrible at workshopping poems. So, here goes nothing. I love the concept of the song. It's cool to see something that almost deconstructs other love songs, something that is about more realistic, every day love. I like the allusions to other songs. I got a little tripped up when reading through "Love won’t help me reach... of its griefs" but I have not yet actually played the audio track. "...discover my best self" was probably my least favorite line. Something about it sounded like it belonged in a self-help book or something. However, this is subjective, and may be just my weird reaction to the phrase "best self" or maybe that is what you are aiming for. "But every night my peace ...fuss is all about" was fantastic and probably one of my favorite lines in the song. :-)

He's a trans boy who likes boys. So he's trans and gay. No. I need to clarify this. And maybe start using names of towns (something I've avoided because at the moment, one of the towns is completely made up and one is based on a real one, and I'm not sure if I can actually get away with doing that). The woods they're in and the barn they're going to are in the same town as the mill, not the town that they had just come from. They basically rode a couple miles from the mill to the nature preserve, then walked / rode about a mile to the spot with the ruins. The barn is a couple miles away on the other side of the preserve.

Content Warning: Dialog about a character's past experience with transphobia (second half of page 6 and onto page 7). Hi Everyone, I have a shorter submission this week. I had planned to send more but the second half just isn't ready because I did a major rewrite of this chapter. I haven't closely read all the feedback from last week, but I did notice some disappointment when Alex disappeared for the fight. There is an explanation for that in this chapter, although the reason behind it is something I know I did not back seed or set up for in the chapters you've read so far. I'm open to revising so he is in the fight, but I want to see your reaction to this part before I decide. The next time they all confront M, A does do a lot. I am usually very linear with writing and revising, but that hasn't been the case with this revision. I've been revising chapters out of order, so my draft is all over the place in terms of world building and set up. I was thinking of pausing my subs for a bit, but I think we are only 3 or 4 subs away from the end, and I revise more effectively when I have feedback on the whole piece, so I'll probably press on. Thanks! Sara Last time: Ch. 1-2: E's mom gets turned into a mannequin in an antique shop. A haunted doll helps E's and the shop dog escape the same fate. Ch. 3-4: E gathers supplies from Junk Junction and does research in a library. Then they venture out to find food and a psychic. They meet D, a 13-year-old psychic whose mom is missing. They think D's mom's disappears is related to E's mom and Mx.R getting turned into mannequins. Ch. 5-6: E & D do research in D's mom's office. D tells E more about the circumstances surrounding her mom's disappearance. In the morning, the two kids return to the shop, only to find the mannequins gone and the phrase "come find me" spelled out with teacups. Ch. 7: E & D return to Junk Junction, only to find the mannequins missing along with an assortment of other items. They go to D's house, and find some of the missing items are there along with another message from M. Ch. 8-9: E & D get back to the office safe. A makes a mess throwing books around and finds an journal with some potentially useful information. E learns how to more clearly sense ghosts and their energy. The next morning, E, D, and A leave for the mill. On the way, they discover a river full of bones presumably stolen from their graves by M in an attempt to find A's bones. Chapter 10: The group gets to the mill. A disappears. The moms aren't there. E and D are ambushed by a group of mannequins that M is controlling like puppets. They defeat the mannequins and escape.

A is around 20" or 22" tall, which is why he doesn't quite fit in the backpack. I need to adjust some of my initial description of his doll because it isn't fully accurate to what I settled on for it (Martha Jenks Chase Dolls). When I finish another pass, the doll will resemble something like the attached photos, but in worse condition. I hadn't thought of making the sword doll scale, but I'm not sure that would make sense based on the back store I have in mind for it (though it's early enough I could change said backstory, which I don't think is even on page in the manuscript). Plus, E is the one who wields it. I'm imagining it is about the same size as Alex (and Sting). For now I added a few lines where the kids argue over whether it is a sword or a dagger. Just last night I was working on this section, and am revising it so it is more related to M's motives. Good to know. :-) Thank you for the comments!