shatteredsmooth

I was a little unclear about this, but I think I might have figured it out. Initially, I thought M's story was progressing along the same timeline as everyone else's. Then when his group started hearing the chiming in this section, I thought he'd only just caught up to the others. Then, I backtracked that thought and thought this was a different chiming that started after S went to the other facet. When I finished reading, I went back to my original theory. The chiming M was hearing in this was the chiming other characters heard through most of the book. S hasn't been in other facet long enough for it to be anything else, right? I think this would've been clearer to me if I had read this whole book straight through over a few days instead of over the course of weeks. When nothing comes through M's tear, it is because whatever they were trying to reach is actually going through the void R and the other Maji created. Am I understanding it right? The one thing that had confused me about the time line was this: "In Poler, located in the opposite corner of the Nether, no one could hear it except for them." Until I read this line, I was thinking the chiming was referring to the one the other POV character's heard until they met the other facet. This line made me question that for some reason. Aside from not being 100% sure if I am getting the timeline right, I don't much to critique. Everything does really feel like it is coming together and I can't wait to read the end. Granted, I suspect that the "end" is really going to be some cliff hanger that will leave me impatiently waiting for book 3. "I trust you,"...and leaned up for another kiss." Can you add more detail about the kiss? This feels too brushed over.

Overall, I liked the concept and tone. The mc has good motives, and eventually, I learn that the stakes are high. However, I felt like it took too long for me to find out why it was so important for A to find the sea monster. I felt like the narration was very distant in the begining, which made it harder for me to engage with and becoming invested in the story. I wanted to know more about the main character, but I was getting less of that and more of the tale she was pursuing. I agree -- I had a hard time picturing people, and I would've been more invested had I know why she was hunting the monster right from the start. It didn't work for me as a twist. I would've cared a lot more if I knew why from the first or second page. I had a similar experience reading this. I was also a little confused by all the italics. Sometimes they were A listening to someone tell a story, sometimes they were dreams, sometimes it was thoughts or something she read. I suggest you pick one thing to use the italics for. Dreams don't need italics. If someone is talking, just use quotes even if it is a long story. During the poker game, one of the crew blurts something about a scheme. That seemed forced to me. I didn't believe the crew member would say that in front of A. It would be more believable, and feel more like an earned bit of information had A found this out some other way because of something she did, not because of someone's mistake. I am excited to see what happens next!

Alright, so now I read the correct story and comments. The concept is cool! I like weird west, and I like the idea of these "cowboy" type characters hunting mythological monsters. However, like @Mandamon and @industrialistDragon, I had a hard time accepting the characters swearing with Zeus and Hades, talking about towns named after ancient greek places, but still otherwise falling into all the classic western tropes. I'm not 100% sure how to explain why, but the voice felt more middle grade than YA. The first time I thought this was when the uncle was described as looking like a "typical outlaw," the second place was when I the mc used the word posterior instead of a word that begins with a that this forum won't let me write. The line about the character not wanting to compare the Channel to grain alcohol made the mc feel very young. I feel like hard core monster hunting uncles would who would let their 17-year-old niece go take down a hydra would also be buying he a drink at the end of the day. I'm not sure it's even really these things at all and not just something more abstract about the voice and the character. To me it just feels and sounds like middle grade. I was also wondering about thesis things. The narrator says the uncle looks like an outlaw, but then I realize he isn't actually one later when he decides to use a channel instead of seeking help from the authorities. And the actual outlaw looks a lot different from the uncle. Are these two hunting to protect their own cattle? Do they do this for pay for other people? A few as I read notes: "...naggin' my ear off....Yer such a man" This little exchange felt kind of forced me, like it was there just to reinforce gender stereotypes. "She downed all three at once." Reading this right after a line about not being supposed to take more than two at once, I was a little hesitant to believe she'd risk not being able to defeat the bad guy by taking three. I was surprised she lasted as long as she did. I thought the reflux was something that would happen as soon as you took the third or something by the way she had talked about it. In general, with the end of this, I'd like to longer a little more in the final battle. Overall, the idea of being out with the uncle on the hunt and losing him worked for me as an inciting incident. I am invested in the main character and want to read on. Though, I will say I like Scarlet Saber better.

Here is my super late critique: There was plenty of conflict and tension between the groups, though I admit it was having a little bit of troubling tracking what was going on. It seemed like quite a few people were introduced all at once. Because I was struggling to keep track of who was who and who wanted what, I wasn't as invested in the conflict as I'd like to be. The decision the main character had to make is interesting, but not enough time was given to show the complexity of it. Instead, more focus was on the mc having already made a decisions and plotting to do what he thought "must be done." It almost felt more like the end of a story than the begining of one. My understanding was that it left off with everyone dying or about to die. Where can it go from here? It felt more like something that could be revised into a complete short story more than the opening of a novel. The big question was the one mentioned above. "Where can this go next if everyone died?" Will the next chapter be a new character somewhere else that was affected by this? Does P somehow survive? I do have a lot of questions about the Wardens, about the world, and about how P got himself into this position, but those aren't things that need to be answered right here. You've done a good job creating a scenario where characters are morally and ethically at odds with eachother. You've done a great job showing the stakes. I can clearly visualize your characters and the setting they are in. You could do with a little more internal reaction from the mc. The following are some notes I made while I read that also address question: "Tried to force her, I'll bet..." This line threw me out of the story for multiple reasons. First because the narrator switched from they to her with no explanation as to why. The explanation came later, and by then I was too annoyed. The assumption that the guy got the black eye by trying to "force" her also really turns me off to this world. Just in general, I'm sick of reading stories where that type of thing is the norm. And from what we learn about her later, it seems like the guy would really have to be in idiot to think something like that, so what is he even doing there at all? I got a little confused when P was invoking the "responsibilities of the First Warden." A was really quick to take P at his word and kill E. A didn't even give E a chance to explain anything. I had a hard time believing they'd not doubt or question one person's word against another. "...daughter, took her into his arms..." So A was P's daughter? I will keep reading because this is a critique group, but if it was a book I was browsing in a shop, I'd be on the fence about whether or not to continue. If this many people die in the prologue alone, how many are going to die in the book? On the other hand, I am curious to see what happens to this world P killed billions of people to save. I don't care about him, but if started the next chapter and he was not the POV character, I'd be more likely to keep reading. Of course, if I were picking this up in a book store, I'd read the opening and the end before I decided if I was going to buy it / read the whole thing. I'm kind of an odd reader.

I literally almost did this. I had all the questions about where the western was and where the YA characters were... then I realized I was in the wrong thread.

I don't know if I'm forgetting something at the begining, but I was a little lost in the begining. I don't remember if the first chapter had set up for why she was in the place she wasn't supposed to be. Aside from that, I liked that section. They details about how L's magic worked made sense and were well delivered. I cringed when the boy got dropped. So it had switched POVs there, which was okay. Part of me would have rather stayed with L, but switching did create more tension because General Y noticed the veil. More interestingly General Y didn't do anything about it right the, However, I'm wondering how much L saw of J getting dropped. She didn't react at all to it, but he broke a leg, badly. That is a big deal, and she hardly reacts to it. She doesn't seem to give him one thought. It makes her seem rather cruel and cold, and if that is what you're going for fine, but if not, you might want to add some reaction in or if she didn't see it, at a least a spare thought wondering what happened to him. I like the conversation with the guard at the door to the princess's chambers. I was a little confused about what the princess was in the sense that I wasn't sure how literally to take the term shadow. Were they calling her that because she had some type of brain injury that left her how she is? Or is there something more literal and magic to it? I don't think a long explanation is required. Just maybe a sentence or two to clarify. Finding out the prince was her brother surprised me. Y I'm a little on the fence about whether it was a good surprise or came out of nowhere. You did leave some hints in this chapter -- that part of the set up worked. I'm trying to remember back to chapter 1. It might have been there, but more than likely, I was too bogged down with other details to notice. I'm curious to see what the others think. You defiantly have my interested piqued now. :-) I'm looking forward to reading more.

So, I hate to say this, but I really don't understand the point of chapter. I was liking at first -- Re was being annoyingly smug about the portal, which was completely in character for him. I liked the fumbling in the dark just fine. I kept thinking they were going to stumble into the fight E and the Ari started with the LC. Then e get to the void room and their decision to create one made absolutely no sense to me. What about E? Isn't this where they think she is being held? Why would they just go and destroy the place she is being held prisioner without trying to rescue her first? Did they completely forget about her? Couldn't this kill her? I am utterly baffled as to why they might destroy the place where she might be held prisoner without making any effort at all to find her. I'm so confused.

My concern with that wasn't so much the average reader but an editor who would read both the first chapter and the synopsis, especially if that editor read the synopsis first. It was just because reading the chapter, I thought for sure he was single, and then when I got to the synopsis, I was like "Wait, this guy is married?" But yeah -- for someone picking the book up off the shelf, it wouldn't be an issue at all.

One thing I forgot to mention was I like how on page 4, S is clear about how he doesn't react well to medications but acknowledges that some people do. I also liked his confidence in his ability to manage it even when W doubted him.

Overall, I like the concept. However, it is lacking emotion for the kind of story it is. There are the voices, which the narratives voice says are hallucinations even though they just seem like she is remembering things. I'm not sure why they have to be hallucinations or labeled as voices. I think they would work better as a narrative device if they weren't. Then there is lots of description, which could potentially convey more emotion than it does. If you really honed the prose and the way things were described, and let the italics be more of a narrative device than hallucination, this could work as flash. However, it could also be a fantastic short story if you slowed down and dug deeper into the character. The last line is perfect if you do decide to keep it flash. I never quite figured out who or what D was.

Done. Sorry about that. I forgot the change it after I copied the lines.

This was a lot better than the last submission. It had some really nice world building balanced with some action. The time Z spend with the father showed the relationship nicely, though I almost want a little more of that and a little less of her telling us background stuff in the begining. The first page is a little bit of an info dump. Could you open with making the food and intersperse some of the other world building throughout that scene? The person coming to the door with news of the council meeting is a great turn of events. The evening definitely isn't going according to plan. However, the conversation between the dad and the women goes on a while without any reaction from Z. I'd like to see her react more to this person before the conversation gets underway. Z thinking about the lady's kid being an a-hole seemed like a change in voice. "would have chosen I as her own personal god." I'm looking for an if or but. If she..., then she would have... or would have chosen..., but.... "No,” Z replied." There was too much time between M saying something and Z replying. I got distracted by all the information that came between and forgot who Z was talking to and why. I loved the end of the chapter, and the idea that this demon might not be dangerous like everybody thinks demons are. This definitely leaves me wanting to read more! This seems like a perfect introduction to the world, and I think it would make a great first chapter. Unlike the other one, this has a clear inciting incident. I completely agree! I agree with this too. I think in some places, the internal thought tells us too much or goes on a little too long. Think about what information the reader absolutely has to have now and what can wait until later.

Overall, I enjoyed the chapters. I was pulled through and didn't stop to make too many comments. Showing G packing up then switching to L being almost to town created some good tension, though it deflated a little too quickly when she arrived and he was still there. If they at least caught him in the middle of packing or something, it might have been a more gradual resolution of it. There wasn't much tension in the scene where he was stitching L up. Is there a way to build a little more tension there? I'm being a little prescriptive, so feel free to ignore the following: C gets back early, what if he was scheduled to come back that night anyway? That would make everything more tense from G's POV. He'd be wanting to rush, maybe reluctantly treating L. It would make for a more tense scene. Also, when he did show up with his crew ready to do some damage, it was kind of a surprised but not a good one. I'd rather be waiting, dreading that moment, knowing it was inevitable than have it come when I thought things were okay for a minute. When G was treating L, it seemed like he studied her would a little more than the other guys. I don't have much medical knowledge, but it seems like all he does is cauterize and stitch and that's it. Maybe that is all the medical knowledge available in the time period, butI think that piece of it could be a little more developed. Aside from that, I loved G! He had a great voice and loved his perspective on the town of outlaws. I was also wondering how and why he was there. Was he on the run from someone or something else? The prune juice thing made me laugh. A few as I read notes: "Good luck, friend." Why did he call this guy friend? I know it might be a saying, but it doesn't strike me right for this. "L wasn't sure..." This scene break didn't have a # but one of the others did. "After my father died--runs--D came..." Either this sentence is missing something or I'm not getting something. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

That is hitting me. It was the strong when S was in the crystal, and even stronger when he was describing the house of time, which seemed beautiful and intriguing. I think so. I wasn't left with any annoying questions. The urgency about the dissolution created more tension along with Sam wanting to leave. I got some Yoda and Luke Skywalker vibes here making me think Sam will leave and not get to work with W again. I'm also suspecting Sam's actions in book 1, along with the voids the LC created, were related to the speeding up of the coming dissolution. I'm not sure what the others will think, but I liked most of reactions in here, especially S thinking of W as a bigot. I liked how his anxiety was tied to his reactions and how he was determined to control it. Overall, I thought this was a solid chapter. Here are some notes I made as I read: "There is still something wrong with him, and the Ef... could help." This is the one place where I didn't like S's reaction. I am super skeptical of this Ef. I do not trust her one bit and it bothers me how Sam seems to trust her even though she seemed on board with W's eugenics and hadn't gotten the Ari out of their ghetto or internment camps (not sure what you decided to call them). "Seems a defect like this can be extracted..." to "Sam blinking in shock at the callous use of eugenics." This was a great reaction. "The only person who can teach me about this house is a prejudice bigot." Another good reaction. It is also showing Sam making a decision to go with W in spite of this. He is aware of the problematic perspective, but putting his need for information over it. It creates more tension. I also won't feel bad if something happens to W and S is left to figure the time stuff out on his own, like Luke Skywalker. Granted, I was really sad when Yoda died. I'm sorry for Star Wars mentions if that isn't what you're going for. There were two times on p. 6 where you mentioned the nether supplying air or whatever his body needed. This felt a little redundant. “This place can teach me about the House of Matter?” he asked. “I am certain there is information here,” and What about the House of Matter?” Wor Wobniar settled on her tripod of legs. “That is more difficult. I know there are records here which reference the House of Matter, but they are few and far between. Let us see if we can find them.” Also seem to repeat information. If you are trying to show Sam pushing W to focus on that, make try to make that clearer or show his frustration more. It is totally okay with me if you go over. I want to read and find out how it ends ASAP. Don't make me wait longer by dividing chapter.

Overall, I enjoyed this. The mc was interesting and the voice was leaping off the page. I liked the way the world was introduced and how it was so meticulously filtered through the narrators POV. I'm not sure how I feel about the chapter's ending spot. I suppose I could comment better if I read on. As it is, I felt like it sort of ended at the drop, and then Q decides not to take on another job just yet and go to the cafe where random flirting ensues. Regarding the flirting, I'm not sure if I should be reading it as just flirting or if this is actually more spy / PI stuff. It's not enough to stop me from going on to the next chapter, but it does pull me out of the story a little. Notes on the synopsis: "Q married the boss’s daughter" This threw me because in Ch. 1, he wasn't behaving like he was married. OK, maybe married people flirt with other people still, but he didn't think about a spouse or anyone but himself really. Or is the woman he was flirting with the Boss' daughter, and he is still a shill in ch. 1, not a PI? "could from life as a lab rat" I think there is a missing word. Like @kais mentioned, Q's arc isn't really clear from the synopsis.

Welcome to Reading Excuses, and I'm sorry I'm a little late to reply. It looks like you already have a ton of feed back (which I haven't read yet) so I'll try to keep my comments brief. Overall: I loved the concept of a sentient star making contact with people, and I wanted the story to focus more on this. You had a lot of detail about the political structure of the people on the ship and it distracted me from the part of the story I was really interested in -- the interaction between the beings on the ship and the star. Did the beam have to have been sabotaged? If it just malfunctioned, then you could take out a lot of the distracting backstory about the separatist and the two military crew members assaulting someone who was from the separatist planet. Throughout the story, I did have a hard time following POV changes and keeping track of some of the different characters. The star deciding to help them seemed almost too easy. As a reader, I'd rather see less of the crew and the politics of the galaxy and more of the relationship one person is building with this star.

Also, I was thinking, this could be another opportunity to delve into S and what he remembers or has forgotten from his own world. Maybe he doesn't remember exactly what happened in his world, but he knows that something like it happened and it was BAD.

I'm not sure if I'm answering your question right or not. I think in some context, you can still call the Ari insane. Insane works for their sort of disjointed thinking and having more than one personality living in one body. What I don't like is when you equate insane with violent and murderous. If their being murderous or violent, just say that, or use a word that means that. They can be insane, and they can be violent. Maybe their insanity makes their violent nature worse and more terrifying. That's fine. If it is the way changing messes with their heads, than that isn't problematic as long as it is clear. Just be careful where you place the word insane. How the characters react. Because they hardly react. If I were S, I'd be wanting to get I the heck out of that facet as quickly as possible. That Eff would be a monster in my head. @industrialistDragon explains it perfectly.

For the most part, I liked this chapter. I read through it without really stopping to comment. I was happy to finally have some concrete information about the dissolution and to see more of E. I'm also glad to see E finally finding an opportunity to escape, even if it is cut short. E hearing the other Ari's voice threw me a little because if she did hear it in the other chapter, it was much more subtle and less of a presence. I like the idea of her being able to talk to it and get information from it, but it also seemed to have a really strong hold on her personality, and it seemed she gave into it really easily. I also wasn't sure why the different Ari were fighting about that one assignment, though I could see E taking it as a chance to escape, but she wasn't thinking down those lines. She'd kind of been consumed by the other Ari's thoughts, which didn't feel right. She wasn't putting up enough of a fight. Though I did like how she fought with the coalition after. Earlier, there was one point where P said "We have had the chance to observe many of the maji's systems." This and what he said after it made it sound like he could see the notes or the houses even though he wasn't a maji. I did have a hard time keeping track of who was who near the end, but that might just be me, not a flaw of the story. You ended on a point that is definitely going to make me want to keep reading.

I haven't been in the group long enough to say if it has been suggested before, but I'd rather not use google docs. When I'm critiquing a piece, I really don't want to see anyone else's comments until I have finished making my own, that way I can be more objective and know I'm not being influenced by the other comments. The way it is set up now, we have a choice about whether or not to read first or look at the comments first. In google docs it would be too much work to not see them.

You fixed the few problems I'd found with the original submission. I feel bad, but I don't really have any critiques. This story is fantastic as it is. The voice is incredible. I meant to say something more specific about why, but it's not quite coming to me. You definitely need to submit this somewhere.

Don't go back and read my last few subs. They were rough and I ended up doing some major rewriting after getting feedback. Yay!

I forget if I asked this before... I've seen mostly adult stories on this forum, and a few that were YA. Would it be acceptable to send chapters of a middle-grade story? I haven't actually settled on my next book length WIP, but one of the contenders is middle grade. Not being able to submit won't stop me from writing it if it's the story that I get most pulled into. I'll just go into it knowing I'll need to look elsewhere for my first round of feedback.

I enjoyed this chapter, and do hope that maybe we get to stay with S and/or I for another chapter, because I feel like it could slow the tension if we don't. I'm not ready to move away from these two after this. The chapter didn't really feel done. I loved the internal struggle with S, and how he managed to break out of a panic attack when I lost control and transformed. Seeing that transformation carried some weight because of what we learned about I from the E chapter. Things are linking up well. If I were reading this as a complete book, I would not want to stop. On a technical note, I did notice a few places where a piece of dialogue ended with a period, but the first letter of the first word of the next sentence wasn't capitalized. Keep an eye out for those when you go back and edit. As I read: I liked that the epithet was now from someone from this facet! The scissor door is scary, raises the tension, and gives me bad vibes about the building they're in. "All the effort that had gone into keeping his anxiety at bay was undone by that one touch." He shivered. He thought this. Then he had the panic attack. The thinking about everything being undone seemed like it came to soon. I want to see more of the attack before S started telling me about it. I'm not sure you even need this line, but if you really want to keep it, I'd suggest putting something like it further into the attack, maybe around when he is asking for help. "The noise of a hundred conversations...bored into his brain." I can relate to this. "The passed the last few blocks..." They? I'm fascinated now that the Eff of one facet is other instance of another facet's Eff. Another thing that has me curious is from E's chapter, I know that the Ari need to absorb other Ari to live on for ages, but most of the Ari who absorb others seemed to do it to their other instance first, but the two Effs are old enough to allegedly need to have absorbed other Ari, but they never absorbed each other. This gives me hope for I and E. Yup. And now I want to know! They do...is it possible to use a word more unique to the story's world that doesn't have such direct ties to one of those groups? This kind of pokes at something that has been nagging me about the Ari, but I'm not quite sure exactly how to explain it. Some of them are clearly insane, yes. The more insane they seem to be, the more prone they are to violence. I've been hoping that when you call them insane, you're not actually saying their mentally ill and not associating extreme violence with mental illness. But then I'm not sure that actually makes sense when I say it out loud or write it. Breeding out mental illness and blaming their violence on it are kind of red flags for me. Hopefully there something genetic or or unique to Ari physiology that makes them prone to violence? And that will become clearer? Or maybe something that was done to the Ari at some point? I'm sorry if my comment doesn't actually make sense. I don't think I'm fully pulling all the piece together in my head yet. The Ari are fascinating; I just hope they don't end up as something furthering a stigma. Anyway, this was a great chapter and I'm looking forward to reading more!

I'm sorry I never got your submission last week. I was going to read it tonight, but then I realized you'd submitted a revised chapter. For the most part, this worked for me. It took me a little too long to catch on to the mental journal, and once I got the hang of it, it was over for a while. I'm okay with the concept of it, but at first, I felt like some of things she was thinking could've just been part of the narration. The piece has a strong voice and an interesting character. You have a good amount of backstory present, but like @kais pointed out, her motivation isn't entirely clear. The end of the chapter definitely makes me want to read on. She's injured, got this kid tagging along who could be useful but also a pain in her butt. As I read: P. 1 "General, I'm sorry..." Does the general have a name? The letter seemed a little cliche and didn't really do much to draw me into the story. Do you really need it? Could it be replaced with something else? P. 3-4 "In her relatively brief time here, she’d encountered a few of their type..." And she is looking for the place they come from? I think, earlier, there was something about this being a bad idea, but I think a thought journal entry might be appropriate here or some kind of reaction in relation to her assessment of them and her knowing she is going to their town. "Fighting wasn’t a risk she was prepared to take unless absolutely necessary, even against three unarmored men who’d only probably gotten this far in life by stealing and using brute force. For her, there was too much at stake." Her thoughts about these guys didn't create as much tension as they could've. She painted them as easy opponents. Even though she didn't really want to fight, she knew it was inevitable. I had no doubt throughout the encounter that she was going to fight and kill them and found myself not taking the wound as seriously as I probably should. I didn't make any notes beyond that, which is a sign I was very engaged in the story. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.