shatteredsmooth

I've heard of Dark Night of the Soul, but I didn't make the connection until you explained it. It does make sense now. I'm glad my comments were helpful!

I was thinking this too. Same. And while Lapsang Souchong is lower in caffeine than other teas, it still has some caffeine in it. Maybe instead they could be drinking rooibos? I guess you did say "too much caffeine" but then in the next paragraph you said "It’s a caffeine-free." And having the people frequent the coffee shop shouldn't be a problem with this. Plenty of coffee shops carry large selections of teas, so maybe just show them ordering tea? That aside, I didn't realize this was a first draft until I went back and read your original post after I read the piece. I wasn't bothered by the content, though I think I should've been. I would have been if a man chained a woman up and took a picture of her naked like that. However, because it was a guy who seemed like one the jerks, one who thought he was going to randomly hook up with this barista even though his ring hinted he was a allegedly married, maybe especially because of the line where she thought he was going to grab her rear end, I kept thinking yeah, get revenge on that <insert word the forum probably wouldn't allow>. I know that kind of thinking isn't really good on my part, but it's there. I also like reading from the POV of characters who do bad things. However, you could consider a way for this to happen without the naked pictures? Maybe the revenge doesn't have to involve some kind of sexual violence? What if while he was out, she set him up to look like he was doing some kind of hard drugs? I'm on the fence about this because that guy seems like the type that might commit an act of sexual violence, so I'm not as bothered as I maybe should be about what C does to him. Other than, I thought the voice was fantastic. The pacing worked. I was surprised by the end in a satisfying way. Here are some as I read notes: p. 3 "Maybe you’d like to ... back with the emergency call handle?" This seemed out of nowhere. p. 6 "“Let me make you one of those coffees then, okay?" If you do go with the not drinking coffee thing, then maybe she's offering some kind of tea latte ? I think she left with out ever cleaning the men's room? p. 7 "...coffee of the soul..." I didn't get this line. p. 12 "dismissing the interim from his office" Was this supposed to be "intern" ?

I deleted that sentence and put it back half a dozen times, and for some reason, I actually thought it was not in the version I sent. When I wrote it, I was thinking in way too narrow a definition of marriage... U isn't the target of the big murderbot group. I'll work on this. Thank you for the feedback! :-)

Hmm. The telling paragraph on 7 should be an easy fix. As for the door / losing an arm scene, I'm thinking maybe I need to change that so no one loses an arm, and it involves characters who actually are significant to the story. Maybe U will be the last one through before E. Yay! I was thinking the attack would act as a catalyst for the sibling story. One kind of attack drove them apart years ago, and this one will drive them back together. I can try to trim what comes before, but I was worried that if this attack came too soon, then there wouldn't be enough tension between E and U when it happened. Probably. But now I'm wondering if it needs to be there at all. What type of robots attack is really not significant anymore. Last time, @industrialistDragon had suggested not even naming them and I'm starting to think I should have taken that suggestion. Even if I incorporate in a better way, it might still distract too much from the main story. Good catch. Thank you for the feedback! :-)

To a certain extent, it does. I got the impression of S walking through this place, gawking at all the newness, but I also felt like some of his reactions fall flat. The thing that stood out to me the most in this chapter was that the Ari are the only species that seems to exist in both facets, but S seems oblivious to the potential significance of that. This seems very different than his first walk through of the Nether ever, which is a sign of his growth and improved ability to cope with his anxiety, but based on earlier chapters, that doesn't fully feel earned. However, I think you are already working on addressing that. The type of world you've built in this facet is fascinating. I love the detail with which you describe the new species as much as the very idea behind them. I think creating alien species is something you and @kais have knack for. A sense of wonder definitely came across, but there also seemed to be some missing beats about the significance about what S was seeing and how it colored his interaction with In. When they talked, it was more about In's trauma, but I wanted more of S trying to engage In in the wonders of what he was seeing. As I read: P. 1 "The crystal bent around..." Not sure you need the italics. P. 2 "now his memories of the people who had raised him were gone." Is this the moment he realizes they were fully gone? Or did I miss him realizing they were 100% gone before? I thought last time he still remembered a little about the watch, but since the chapters are so spaced out, I could have just forgotten something. The house of time discussion is making me think S did cause the void that sent him to the Nether in the first place because he was in the Nether sending a void there. I'm guessing that is also connected to the memory loss. (You don't have to tell me if I am right or wrong about this) "If you tried to change the course of currents as they swept by you, any effort you put into it would be immediately lost." Does this really need italics? p. 5 "You and your Ari... will have to meet V... direc—what is it?” The Nether must have translated their surprise to Wor Wobniar." I had to read this a few times to get it. P. 7 "...shoulder in response and pulled him close..." you can probably delete in response, it's clear the action is in response to something. I liked how from the end of 7, onto 8, S and In are experiencing the wonder together. However, towards the end of that exchange, “They didn't do that to you, did they?” he asked. “We should have come sooner. We tried so hard to find you! I'm so sorry.” Feels a forced and generic, where the rest of the conversation felt very authentic. P. 8 "W...W clicked xyr feet ahead of them. Xy had stopped and swiveled to fix them with xyr head flaps." I'm a little confused by this. Is Xy scolding them? Is this the equivalent of a human glaring at them? Is xy being insensitive or just doesn't want them talking about this in the open? Doesn't want them talking at all? "S.. gave In.. a quick hug" OK, now I'm being picky, but I want to know what that hug felt like. I feel like there is a lot of missed potential in telling that one as opposed to showing it. "What were S... stupid problems, compared to what In.. had been through?" Since you are in the habit of italicized internal thoughts with this chapter, I think this line would be better off as one of them. "Watch the crowds of people here. S,, eyed the species here. It was a mark of how long he’d been in the Nether that seeing completely new aliens was not enough to distract him from In..’ problems." The two "here"s so close together are bugging me, but more importantly, the new Nether does seem to be distracting S from I's problems, contrary to what he says. "braiding the ground beneath them" how does something braid ground? Page 9 “So wow.” This sounds too much like something out dystopian or near future american novel "building a new residence" how do they know this because the nether told them? Or is it obvious? Are they walking through a residential area? " en times...them" Them meaning Sam and I? Page 10 “the Lu..., and the Ari...” “You recognize the Ari... as a species?” In.. asked at the same time as S.. said “Who are the Lu....?” “We do, and look up,” W.. W... said." Here S is proving himself wrong, he is distracted, and I am actually surprised he isn't asking the same thing as In. To me, it seems really significant to know that the Aridori are, or at least were, present in more than one facet of the Nether, and S just ignores that. After, I was annoyed at the paragraphs about the L's because that seemed like usless information compared to the fact that the Ari... are in both facets. "sing to the praised of" praise -- should not have the d Little picky thing: Some of your quotes were facing the wrong way. Overall, yes, lots of wonder, but there is also room for a little more In and S interaction. I want to know more about how the Ari..are the only species in both Facets. Why does Sam not care? Also, I'm assuming there are more than two facets and just saying both because only two are on page.

Harsh about sentence level problems is the easiest kind of harsh to handle. :-) If anyone needs to apologize, it's me for sending something so rough. This is very helpful! Thank you!

Hi all, A few months ago, I sent a story called the Mindless Nine, and got some fantastic feedback. Taking that feedback into account, I've rewritten the opening. Whether you read the last version or not, I'd like to know what is and isn't working about this version. (Note added May 7, 2019: After reading the first set of comments, I realize that at a technical level, this is rougher than I thought when I sent it last night. Because I scrapped a good two-thirds of the part 1 I sent back in January, rewrote the opening, scrapped that, then started again, this might read more like a first draft than a second or third draft.) To those of you who read the previous draft: Sometimes, when revising, I tend to swing from one extreme to the other. If you catch me doing this, please let me know. I do plan to change the title since the Mindless Nine are not so big a focus in the story now. At the moment, I have no clue what to change it to. Thanks! Sara A little background: The main character is non-binary and uses they/them/their as a pronoun. This is for a themed anthology where the stories will focus on non-binary characters. In the world of this story, things like clothing and make up are not as gendered as they are in many parts of the world now.

If this gets posted incomplete or with any weird extra letters, it is because a fluffy cat won't stop walking across the table. So, overall, this felt like a quiet interlude and fun continuation of the M thread. I like how that thread is building, however, this one felt a tad too internal. I had trouble picturing the group and their reactions to M. I was a little too immersed and lost in his thoughts and wanted to be grounded a little more. I wanted a better sense of this group and what they are doing. This chapter gave me a little more information on what the dissolution is, but at this point, in order to understand what is at stake, I'm starting to what a more concrete answer as to what it is. I am a little concerned about it's placement. The last few sections had been a little choppy with progress and stopping to switch. I think if that gets ironed out, this will be a good place for it, but because of the bumpy pacing of the past few installments, I'm not confident about that. As I read: "against incursions ordinary people" A word might be missing. "M...had all but forgotten it..." This mention of the LC kind of fell flat to me. Yes. This chapter could probably be shorter and tighter. I didn't think about this while reading, but out of content, this comment is making me think how I hate that word "imaginatively" mostly because I think it is the word people use when they don't want to tell me either my creation is too far fetched or is confusing, so when I see a character use it for another character's idea, I think of it as an insult. I'm looking forward to reading more. The semester is winding down soon, so after this coming week, I'll be less last minute about getting my feedback in.

I'm going to send something on May 6. It will most likely be a revised version of the "Mindless Nine" story I sent a while back.

I love this description.

Reading through some of the other comments now. Going to quote and reply to ones that stand out. Me too, but for most of it, that didn't stop me from wanting to keep reading. I second this, though I admit, I wasn't really thinking when I read the opening, just floundering to figure out what kind of story I was reading, and picked up on this type trope later. In a much more thoughtful and articulate way, Kais has pinpointed why I thought the ending felt "unearned." The wife could be fleshed out a lot more, and if she was more developed, it could create potential for the mc to also be more developed through his interactions with her. Labels would help a lot. That could really be interesting! But also, as kais mentioned, having the two spouses interact with each other as equals and full partners will help combat any negative tropes that are in the work. Right now, it seems to me that the woman does little more than nag, cry, and provide an opening for the husband to explain things to the reader. Swapping the genders, but leaving the interactions the same will still end up with the similar issues. Yeah -- it really doesn't matter which spouse is which gender to me. If she is suffering from depression and anxiety, then try to show that in a more nuanced way. Make her stand out more as a character. She doesn't have to care about the science, but she can be more developed. Random thought. What about writing some of the scenes from her point of view? Structurally, I'm not sure it would actually work as part of the story. However, as an excercise, it might help you develop her more and make it easier to flesh out the version reader's see through the mc's eyes. Sounds right. This would help. This is what I took away too. I think it would mean a lot more if you worked more on the characters and conveying some of their emotions. Mine too. Some of mine have been very torn up. Yet I keep coming back for more, and think I'm getting to be a better writer for it. And on a final note, if/when you do revise this, I'd be happy to look at another draft.

I haven't read through everyone else's comments yet, so here are my thoughts. Overall, I enjoyed reading this. I was engaged with the narrative and the character even though the mc did make me cringe a few times. I liked the voice, how it felt like I was in the mind of a person barely able to keep up with is own thoughts. However, there were a few points at which I got confused and felt the narrators growth was forced. Here are my thoughts. Some are problems. Some are things I observed that don't necessarily warrant a change if they reflect how you want readers to react. "I can't possibly trade one for another." So for some reason, the barebones almost non-existent visual description and minimally tagged dialogue had me thinking this was just contemporary. This line was when I realized I was in a time travel story. I was happy to realize it was a time travel story. I'm reading on my kindle with big font, so this migth feel further into the story to me on that device than it would in a word doc. "...what is to come" At this point, I'm not 100% sure how I feel about the style you chose. I want to see more of the people and setting, but I am also okay just being in this narrators head without so many visual details. "If my past self heeded my warning..." I almost missed that this was a POV change, but thankfully this line caught me. I know the narrators are all technically the same person, but throughout, I did struggle to keep them sorted out. I'm wondering if there is a way to shift the voice of each so they are more distinguishable. "...She is not in her crib." She was hysterical..." My confusion was growing a little here, but I was okay with that because I had the impression it would be cleared up soon. "I know it all to well." So are there technically three people narrating now who are actually the same person from different points in time / timelines? "...his visit confirmed my time machine worked" But he has N in this section. How did he have N if the machine didn't work yet? Now my confusion isn't just a temporary thing keeping me reading but a problem. "Oh god! What'll Amberly do without me?" Up to this point, I was overlooking the characters self-centered hubris and poor, sometimes downright cruel choices. I like reading from the POV of characters who aren't exactly "good" but this was my tipping point. It's one thing to be arrogant enough to mess with time and selfish enough to steal from your Doppelgänger. But for some reason, this guy also thinking he was the center of his wife and daughter's life, that they needed him so much, just made me not like and him and want the story to be over. It made me feel like he didn't really love or respect her. And from the story, it seems like he spends more time with his machines than family, so I wonder if they really need him at all. Maybe they would be better without him. It seemed like the scene the above quote came from was supposed to be part of where he learns his lesson and changes, but instead it made me really not like or care about this narrator. It also felt very rushed and very forced. Here the story goes from a narrator with racing thoughts to too rushed. I loved the last scene, but it didn't feel earned.

Overall, I really liked this chapter. It went by really quick and when it ended, I just wanted to keep reading. S finally makes a decision on his own and is about to DO SOMETHING. Something about him finally feels present and awake, and what he is about to do is really a big deal for him. With that last bit in mind, I'm almost surprised because for much of this book, really up until I came in, he had regressed. However, if you keep it that way, I think drawing out and showing more of the effect I's return had would work fine to make a stronger set up for this. I did, at times, get so absorbed in the description of the alien, and of O's head feathers, that I almost was lost in it and not fully grasping the significance of what was happening. This might be okay though, because that might be how Sam is processing it all. The pronouns were cool! I noticed one typo: "...shorter that a Lo..." I think "that" should be "than" Going to look at what the others had to say now. I second this. I think I'd rather have the two bridge chapters together and not interrupted.

At first I thought that there was someone trying to exorcise a demon and it was telepathically talking to that person. Then I thought it was trying to help a demon that was unraveling, and I wasn't sure if it was something someone else did to it or because of something naturally occurring. But by the end, I thought it was all a metaphor for a person's relationship to his/hers/their father specific to a moment where that person was confronting him about something and his lies were unraveling. I loved the prose, but I was trying to hard to figure out how I should be viewing this demon to feel what I potentially could have. And yet, I'm not sure making what is going on clearer would help or hurt the piece. I felt like I should've felt something, but I'm not sure if it is because of the story or something more to do with me as a reader or me just being tired. FYI I haven't read through any of the comments or discussion about this piece yet.

I don't have a lot to say about this. It went by quickly and I want to know what happens next, and am thinking a lot about the A's in the box, and how they could be helpful but also about what trouble they could cause. In the begining, E did seem very optimistic about escape, and she seemed to stay that way, even though I got the impression that maybe she wasn't meant to, though i'm not sure why. Maybe when you do your next pass, up the emotion a tiny bit? This ^^ Overall, what happens is working. But you're not getting the reader into the character's head enough here. One grammar note: You're either missing a word or punctuation in the following "I've seen one the fabled nightmare beasts with my..."

There is a serial killer named Carl in one of my temporarily shelved novels. It's a good name for a psychopath. I might have actually spelt it with a K though. It's been at least a year since I looked at that book.

This was much much better than the last chapter! I did read it all, though I don't have much to say about the M one other than that I really want to go read Society this summer when I have some free time. I second both of these. ..."correct. he jabbed a finger downward." capitalization. I know there had been some discussion of cutting R's chapters because of the rough ones earlier, but here, I was very happy to be back in her POV and am now second guessing suggesting to cut her POV entirely. Maybe it just needed to be refined in the early chapters because right now, it is a breath of fresh air. However... "you know what happened to me the last time I lost an apprentice?" This and a another instance where she thought something like this seemed out of character. Would she really be more concerned about herself than about E? "The next several lightenings..." I feel we move into summary a little too quick. This is making it feel a little rushed. Although, something about the whole thing, more on a writing level, feels rushed too. I'm not sure why. I just feel like something is missing. Maybe sensory details? More emotional cues? Though those should be things you can fill in after once you do have all the structural and POV stuff ironed out. So what I was saying about it feeling rushed. I think there is plenty of room to slow down and have a moment with O and R. I also miss O's POV. "more wretched them him to drive away his anxiety" Yup. For me, this can be true. Not always, but I have found myself getting a handle on my anxiety when I need to help someone I really care about. Either that or I loose it completely, but I think the first thing happens more. But also, I want more reaction from I. And more moments between he and S before the next big thing happens. I want to see more of S trying to coax I into talking. I want to see more of I. He seemed a little too okay when he was talking. "There is one time...in the columns, not the walls." I had to reread this sentence a couple times. "The column wall is thick enough that this, it doesn't matter." This sense also threw me a little. Overall, now I am back into the story. I liked R's POV with the one issue I pointed out, and Sam's POV was engaging again, but he does need to do something. This would be something, and I was thinking he was going to go, but if something is coming out of the wall, then why would be go in? Hopefully he does make a choice and take an action on his own once this thing comes out of the wall. Still, the chapter ended on a fantastic note and I very much looking forward to the next one. I think most of the issues this one has are relatively minor compared to the last one and will resolved with some fleshing out of scenes.

One of those readers here. I think he does need to react more to it. This is more or less how I feel about it as a whole too.

I agree with E being inconsistent. Maybe that is one of the things that was tripping me up in this chapter. I only read the last chapter of Journey, so to me that whole conversation just seemed out of nowhere and confused me. But now that I know what it is, I can kind of understand why it was there. Still, I think @industrialistDragon makes a good. If it is going to be in there, there needs to be more of it. Make it part of the narrative and not something vaguely referenced to in the middle of E internally making a big decision.

I have only skimmed some of the comments, and am late with this, so I didn't make an as I go marks, just general reactions to each scene: 1: Nothing really happens here. It’s Sam being anxious, walking, telling stuff and over hearing it with little reaction. I’m also unsure what this other species appearing is. That just seems to come out of nowhere, like we’ve switched to some different problem. It might make more sense if O was saying it, but I get that might not be idea since this book does seem to just focus on the apprentices. 2: The kiss with S was cute, and the decision making process worked, but would be better with a little more shown emotion. The way the scene opened, with more of the overheard conversation, was not working for me. I found it hard to follow. If there hadn't been something emotionally important going between S and E, it might have worked. I was starting engage with E here, and then it ended...so far, this chapter has a very fragmented feel. Overall thoughts about Sam up to this point: In general, Sam seems like snippets of anxiety in this book. He doesn’t do enough. He is anxious and recapping and reacting and being led around. He is too passive, and while he was one of my favorite characters in Seeds, I am really struggling to engage with him here, 4. I was also fairly engaged here, but also wanted to linger in some of the emotional beats just a little longer.

Good to know. Thank you @Atium!

Ch. 2 has plenty of action. I technically could start there but I think it works better if I don't. Thanks!

I enjoyed reading this! Part of me is satisfied with it as a complete story, but part of me is also left wanting to read more, imagining how these two characters could continue to interact. It did take a while for the story to actually work its way into the main conflict, so that might be part of it. I'm wondering if trimming and honing the begining somehow might make the end feel like it comes to a tighter close. At first, I thought this was going to be a more distant, omniscient narration because of the "a girl" opening sentence. The second one, where a named character asks a question, should have cued me that was not the case. The first time I got a sense of his voice was more "Perhaps, like him...She looked wet." This was also one of my favorite lines in the piece. "...his voice breaking the same way..." This made met think J was young, 12 to 14, but later when he talks about the magic college on the coast, I wonder if he is more 18 to 20. OR maybe he is in the middle? I'm not really sure. "...flames have become even less obedient." This is where I was more confident I was reading close third and had a more concrete grasp of J's voice. The sentence starting with "They had shown none to hers..." was a sentence I had to reread a few times to get. I thought the POV shifts worked well. "S... had not meant to fall asleep" This confused me. Had S fallen asleep while reading? Had they laid back down to think? Did J make them fall asleep with magic? J's action in the end was a nice touch. This was a story that left me feeling good about the world, even if it is about a completely different world.

Sorry it took me so long to get to this week! I was much more engaged with Re this time around. He's still not my favorite character, but I never like every pov character equally in any book. What won me over with him was how reacted to I being Aridori. There was some betrayal, but also this strong need to save him anyway. The thing that bothered me about this was that he seemed a little naive. Did he believe they would actually let him trade one sibling for the other, that they would actually let I go? In the second section, I reread the opening paragraphs a few times because I was struggling to orient myself. Throughout that section, I found myself having to reread pieces of dialogue to remind myself who said what. Missing a capital letter: "...trouble." he ran a hand down..." When E was feeling like an intruder, I was questioning if the scene should actually be from her POV since it seemed more about Ri and O, but a little further in to the end, I thought you made to write choice to keep it from E's POV. "handful of arrogant blowhards" I read this part and thought it was O, kept reading, and realized it was Ri. I think this is a good example of how she has changed since the opening of book 1. At "lazy" my comment was "Ri sounds a lot like young O did in the pixie story" When Re came bursting into the room, I thought for sure he was going to have the Life Coalition lackeys behind him or something. I was happy that he didn't. I liked how that whole exchange was handled with one exception. I did not really understand what E was trying to tell him about not being worthy of the form. I loved the last line of the chapter but it did feel more like something seen through O's eyes than E's. Overall, I was very engaged with this chapter, but hit a couple bumps when I had to go back and reread a few times. I'm starting to see some of the big pieces moving around and wondering how long it willl be before they come together. It already seems like Re has a piece of information that might be related to S's Nether voice. I'm looking forward to the next chapter!

That is totally ok! Thanks for reading it anyway, because the comments are quite helpful.