shatteredsmooth

I just finished reading...I guess this is a lesson to be more on time with my crits. Oh well. I did enjoy it, and the end certainly left me wanting to read on. I can see this turning into something book length if you want it to. The world building and character is definitely there, and your descriptions were gorgeous, though sometimes to the point where I got caught up in them and forgot about the plot. I'll type up my notes just in case something in them is useful that you haven't changed, though I am skipping over a few little picky things since I don't know if those lines are still there. The opening about Earth dying rang true, and while opening with description isn't always my favorite, I loved it here because the imagery was stunning. This is going to be a mix of as I read and some more general things "Hail, Ember." The Magicians popped into my head when I saw this name. I doubt other people would have this reaction, but it is one of two tv shows I have watched in the past year... I haven't watched a full episode of a tv show since the last Season of Agents of SHEILD ended, so names from that and magicians stick I guess. "I'm supposed to be here..." From here until the narrator leaves, I was a little confused about the setting. It seemed like E was all alone on a dune with no supplies or shelter and days away from an outpost. Does E go the bathroom in the suite? Sleep on the ground? Is there food? Water? Does the suit do everything? Or did I miss something big? "two days ride." I wondered why E didn't have a sand transport thing, but then my question was answered later in the story. I loved the interaction between the sisters. Their dialogue was fantastic. "From where I stood..." The mention of height here compared to others confused me. Why does it matter if there are no other people around? I guess it would be easier to see over dunes, but unless she is feet taller, how much of a difference will it make? It almost felt like that detail was there as a too visible reason to get into the gender discussion. I like the way that was all explained, but the segue into it seemed a little forced. I loved how the explanation of E's gender built from "...of them. Of us." to the part about not needing menstrual supplies. Within that section, when you mentioned chromosome requirement, it didn't seem 100% clear whether that requirement was for reproductive purposes or to be allowed on the planet. After that, I was very engaged with the action and didn't make any more comments until the end. The chapter ended more or less how I expected it would. I mean this in a good way. It was well set up. It let me know what type of story I was reading. I want to know where you take it next.

That is what I initially thought! This is more or less how I felt. I completely missed that phrase. But yes. I had almost the sense that this might have been where her anger was coming from in this conversation, but I was never sure. I've gotten internet yelled at for using inner demon metaphors when talking about my own mental health issues, specifically how my anxiety relates to my anger management issues. People get triggered by it and like @industrialistDragon actually equating it, even in fiction, to some literal type of possession is dangerous and does cause harm. No matter how much I felt like it is a clear way to describe my relationship with some of mental health issues, I realized using it publicly was harmful and stopped. Just something to keep in mind going forward. This whole paragraph. When reading, I was hoping the story was going to go in a direction where this person she marries will value her without having kids.

Hello! Congrats on submitting your first piece! You had a well established voice from the begining and it stayed consistent. I liked how the narrative voice differed from the one in italics. Most of your descriptions were detailed and vivid -- I could easily picture everything you described. I'm getting a general idea of a plot and story. The conflict with marriage and the poor getting poorer and the little bit of rebellion seem to be adding up to something. It is starting to shape into something, but I don't have a clear a direction as I would like for the end of a first chapter. There isn't a hook yet . Just hints of one. I feel like a lot of this was back story, and I'm not sure this chapter is actually the right place to start the story. Thoughts as I read. "Talking for months, Lady V..." I thought this lady was the person she was marrying. Which was fine, except later things made me think her suitors were men and that maybe this was the man's mother or whoever was negotiating the contract. "wiping my mind" Not a fan of this phrase and the context it is used it. It almost seems unnecessary. "I remember..." Had she been asleep? "waking slumber" ok, if she wasn't actually asleep, how disoriented she was when she started focusing on the present doesn't' quite ring true to me (someone who zones out a lot and has trouble focusing). Because it was a story it almost feels more like a device to convey background than an actual experience. "Meeting with the Lady E" again, on my first read, I thought this lady was the betrothed. I was excited about lesbian princesses. the "babe in your arms" made me second guess this, but I don't know for sure the mc is human, it's hinted she's at least part something else, so there might be magic. "responsibility of not only a man who," This is when I realized the narrator was actually betrothed to a man and the ladies mentioned were probably just the ones negotiating the contracts, and that it is kind of gender swapped version of how men used to negotiate with fathers for brides -- it is a women negotiating with a mother for her son. I re read this section a few times because I was getting lost in the internal thought, so much description and sparse dialogue. I got a little bored. Not much happened. There was a lot of backstory crammed in that I would rather have dispersed throughout. "Can care for the babe..." Her thoughts about caring for peasants babe sort of contradicts her earlier attitude towards motherhood. "Her" I got the idea this capitalization was intentional, but I didn't understand why. "discomfort is a small burden" Getting bored with this carriage ride. There is some great emotion in it, but it feels like it is being used to convey backstory and nothing is happening. Both characters are just sitting around thinking and talking and I'm not 100% sure what the mc's goal is. Make the marriage happen? Get out of it? Save the poor? Leave everything about her life behind? Be more how everyone wants her to be? "colorful cream" This description keeps confusing me. I think of white when I hear cream so I don't get how it contrasts to her white. Cream has a little more pigment than say, snowy white, but its still white. And cream, like actual cream you put in your coffee, not the color, is rather white, which is what I keep picturing. "affect relationship..." That part confused me. I didn't understand the significance of the talk and how it related to the relationship. The conversation with the innkeeper was interesting. I liked the tension there and how the mc was uncomfortable using her status to get what she wanted. I liked that her motive for getting the lower price wasn't entirely selfish. It wasn't all that she didn't want to spend money but more about fairness. At least, I thought that was why she compared the price to a different type of workers salary. Either way, that was where I was the most engaged so far. Something happened. There was tension between two characters without painfully long pauses. Each character had clear motivation, they each wanted something specific out of the conversation. I am curious about the italics. At times they are flashbacks, other times, an internal voice that may actually be the same character or might literally be another personality locked up in her head. This isn't 100% clear. Eventually it will need to be, but I'm okay not knowing for now, though I could do with less flashback. Overall, I think there is a lot of potential here. This chapter just has a slow start. If you haven't finished the book, just keep writing. After you finish the book, you can go back and find a better starting point when you revise. I am interested in reading more.

There were errors but they didn't impact my reading. I didn't comment on them because I thought the story had other issues. At my day job, I teach English Comp at a community college where most of my students are not native english speakers. Your grammar is better than many of my students who have had formal training in English. I did like this banter despite my comment about the 1 in 10,000. I'll add to this. Look for patterns of errors. Pick one thing you struggle up grammatically. Research it, and focus on fixing that one type of error in your next sub. Do a round of editing where you just look for that one error. Tell us what it is and ask us if you did it right. Pick a new one the next time. Anyway, that is what I would tell you if you were one of the students in the Writing and English Skills center. I agree with this. There is a lot of potential, but for me, the information wasn't delivered clearly or in the right order. I just felt like I was missing something the whole way through. I'd be happy to read a revised version at some point.

I am very late with this, and haven't read what the others have said about. The thing I liked most about it was the voice. It was consistent and revealed something about the characters personality. When you slowed down and described people, I had a very clear picture of them. On to your questions. A. are you interested? A little because I like the voice, but I am also lost and confused and don't think much has happened that seems significant. This could be a typical night in his life for all I know. Were this something I was browsing in a store or library, I'd probably leave it on the shelf for that reason. B. how are the characters? I feel like I can almost get a grip on them, but they keep slipping away. I think I'd need to reread to get a better sense of the narrator. P is a little clearer, but I still don't know what to make of him. I think I'm missing some kind of context or background. C. what is your feeling of the city? The pieces you focused in on while they were walking seemed clear. I got the sense it was a place where a lot religions came together. I felt like I didn't have the big picture -- just snippets of vivid detail and a few general things, but it didn't all come together. And of course what's wrong with it. For this, I'll give you the notes I made as I read: "At that night war loomed..." These opening paragraphs didn't work for me. I didn't know anything about the city or its people or the main character. I was sick of hearing the word night and didn't care if there was a war coming. "Regulars and those who came to drown" So you mention people but you don't describe them visually, and since I don't have any idea what kind or world or time period it is, I can't really picture them. "Rounding the stars! but the man could bubble" The first part of this sentence was one of those little details that added to the voice and made the world feel unique. I have no clue what the second part means. "Odd that" I'm getting bored with vague description and no action. I'm not sure what the main character's goal is or who it is even is. "Temper flared....He's been listening with half an ear..." I have no clue what the conversation was and feel like I'm walking into the middle of something I don't have the context to understand. "offended" What does this character look like when he is offended? The thing about the fallen four and leaving the city came at me out of nowhere. It seemed like it was important or should be a big deal, but I didn't have enough context to understand. "Y... bursted in anger" While I like the verb bursted, I don't have a good picture of Y yet and how he looks bursting with anger. This would be a good place to work description in. "Clearly wasn't native to" How does the narrator know this if the other person speaks impeccably? "Bless the fool" One of the details I like, that builds voice and character subtly. "The man had a sweeping white beard..." This paragraph was a great description, but I needed more visuals like this sooner. "returned to his more or less coherent self" Since he was just shrieking, I don't believe this "Why not" seems unnecessary "don't smile" this and the part where the mc asks why the name needed a warning confused me. What say this if the mc isn't going to get it. Then the other character refusing to explain was even more frustrating. "They stood up and left..." I had to reread to figure out who left. "Towering lean and muscular..." Why did you wait until now to give this description? I needed it pages ago. "Brooding on the sad truth..." I got a little confused here. Not sure what the point of the footpad encounter was. "Almost every time I requested..." Seemed like a lot more than 1 in 10,000... When you first described the women's hands with smashing rocks and embroidery, it wasn't clear she was actually working on embroidery until a few sentences later. At first, I thought the narrator was making an assumption about her since she was a woman. Overall, the way the information was delivered wasn't working. I didn't think the character had a clear goal or purpose in mind, and because of that, there were no stakes. It was just two guys in a bar arguing with two other guys and almost getting robbed and those things weren't stopping them from doing something they wanted to do. It seemed more like a vignette. Too much came through fast dialogue. I was more confused than anything.

I came on here to decide which story to read tonight, because I am way way behind on crits. Instead, I spent at least twenty minutes writing and deleting my post for the new specialization thread. The thread is a fantastic idea, and I am looking forward to seeing what other people post. I will catch up on those crits before the week is over. I will.

Hi! I'm shatteredsmooth (or just use my actual name, Sara, because I'm bad at this whole use usernames and avatars on the internet thing). I'm always up for talking about the writing and editing process. As a writing teacher, tutor, and fiction writer, it's something I've researched and experimented with. I'm good at helping people figure out what strategies might work for them. I have an MA in English with a concentration in Medieval and Renaissance Literature. I've forgotten more about Beowulf than the average person ever wants to know. I used to be able read in Old English. I used to want a PhD in Beowulf studies (surprisingly, I'm content as career adjunct as long as I'm writing and publishing fiction). The knowledge I've retained might be useful if you are looking for feedback on historical fantasy set in medieval or renaissance England. I'm also open to discussing non-binary genders and metal illness -- things I have experience with as opposed to an official academic background. The best way to reach me is through Twitter DMs. I'm @shatteredsmooth.

I did have my story ready last week, but I will definitely have it for this coming Monday.

If the slots don't fill up, and I stay focused, I might have something tomorrow. If not, I definitely will next week. However, if other people want to take those slots for this week, then they can have them.

I'm not sure I had heard of Sanderson before @kais suggested I join this group. Nice to meet you!

@Lost Owl Needs Tea thank you for the comments! The protagonist is agender hence the "Mx." instead of Ms. or Mr.

It's plenty helpful. With flash, I have a hard time judging whether I've actually made anything related to world-building or character clear. In theory I know what I need to do, I just can never tell if I did or not until someone reads it and tells me. I'll make myself a checklist based on what everyone said, write out the details separate from the story, then go back and rework so everything on the checklist is clear. You definitely contributed a few good things.

Hi All, Here is a short story if you have time to read this week. It's an early draft, but I've got to the point where I can't see what the specific problems are. Anything you want to comment on will be helpful. I don't have any specific questions. Thanks! Sara

I'll be glad to read your stories again! If by backlog, you mean reading other people's stories, please don't read my "Life Minus Me" submissions. I've done some major rewriting since I sent them.

I know this is last minute, but I have a really short story (under 2,000 words) that could use some feedback. Is it okay if I send it tonight?

That wasn't the story I was trying to tell, but I was worried it might come across this way. As I work on the other aspects of the story, I'll change what the government is doing with / to the weres that lines up more with my actual between the line goal, which does not involve the weres being a metaphor for any specific group. Thank you! M is not super overworked. M is disgruntled and mean. However, I'm going to try and change this as I revise, so at least there is some reason for M to be so disgruntled.

I'm not entirely sure what is missing, otherwise I would've been clearer. I'm wondering, Is he dead for real? or is he going to be alive again when it is reversed? Or is it just going to keep going on and on forever? Maybe not quite knowing the answers to my questions, or not knowing if they can be answered, is leaving me with the sense that the story is incomplete? It's also possible that the answer was buried in the dialogue I was struggling to get and I missed it because it was embedded in too much rapid-fire "technobabble."

1: I think I understood to a certain extent. 2: A little confused and frustrated. That lead me to look at the timeline, which clarified a thing or two, but I still feel a little cheated at the end. I keep feeling like I am missing something. Overall, I think the begining was slow and the end rushed. There was too much to the conversation in the begining. It was hard to parse out what theory was related to what evens that happened later. I found myself wanting to rush through that part because I felt like I should know more about the theories and jargon than I did, and that I was stupid and lowly for not knowing. Maybe that is how the narrator would see me. In comparison, the part where he actually time travels feels rushed. However, I'm wondering if the time travel part would feel as rushed if the other part also had a fast pace and/or was shorter. What if you opened with the narrator telling the other character he was going to test the Grandfather Paradox? If you don't slow down the time travel part, I think this piece would work shorter than it is. I did enjoy the voice. It was a perfect fit for the story. The other character seemed less alive to me, but has potential to be an even more powerful foil if you develop him more. I am not remembering names at all right now. Either they didn't seem important to me when reading because the narrator didn't seem to genuinely care about people so I didn't bother remembering the name? J shouldn't be that hard a name to remember. Or maybe it's because it's after midnight, just after the end of Christmas Day... Speaking of Christmas, you said something in your email about the themes of this clashing with the holidays...well, this is exactly the type of story I needed to read right now. I am no longer thinking about disasters that might have happened on Christmas Eve and I am thinking about time travel, prophecy, and paradox. A couple notes while I read: "I'd owe them five...bet that they couldn't." There was something missing or off with this line. I'm not sure what, but I didn't understand, and think my lack of understanding is related to something grammatical. "And I had begun eaten it" Did you mean eating? Anyway, this is it for now, but if I think of anything else in the morning, I'll add it.

@industrialistDragon I think you are right about the sensory details being off. Looking at the comments and then back at the story, I see a lot of sensory details are missing, especially things that triggered the rage to begin with. I've been thinking about @aeromancer's comments about the world for a few days, and have some ideas about how to rework the opening. I'm glad I sent this one. I knew it had problems and I knew it could be better, but I just couldn't get my head around what they were. Now, I have a concrete idea of how I can improve this story. :-)

This is very helpful. I think knowing that part worked will definitely help me shape the rest. I think part of the issue was I had figured that out yet and wanted to see what gender people read A as. One way or another, I'll make it clearer when I revise.

I wasn't saying it was prejudice. But it's good to know I did have a "he" in there.

I have not read it. I've read very few graphic novels and comics. I can probably count them on my fingers. However, I'll add it to my TBR pile. This does tie into my main concern for the concept. There have been numerous stories where the government wants supernatural beings to register. Then he came across exactly how I wanted him too come across. I don't want to kill him in the end, but @aeromancer had a good point about perjury. I'll think about having E get arrested when I revise. Yes, but lycanthropy doesn't make people immune to the type of issues M has, so the prescriptions wouldn't really prove she isn't a lycanthrope. Thank you! I think this is one of the missing pieces I wasn't seeing on my own. I love the nitpicks. Good to know. I'm not always good at writing characters people connect with. Interesting. I don't think I used a pronoun for Alex throughout the whole piece. I didn't intend to, but I could've slipped up and thrown a "he" in somewhere. Thank you for the comments. They're all very helpful. :-)

Content Warning: Language Hi All, Attached is a stand alone short story. I've done some editing, but for big picture things, this is more or less a first draft. I'm aware part of the concept is a cliche. Is the angle I approach it enough to make it okay? If not, do you have any suggestions for making it less cliche? Is the story even salvageable? In general, I'm looking for big picture feedback. World-building? Character development and arc (I'm aware the mc is grumpy and unlikeable)? Plot? Representation? Whatever you think of. I've let this one rest for two rather long period of time, but every time I come back to it, I just edit on the sentence level, add or cut a few things, and can't figure out what big changes I need to make. Thanks! Sara

I'd rather her stay old...and didn't really see anything young about her. They have a point about her not being completely in charge or in control, but youth wouldn't be the only explanation. OR you could try and make her seem a little more leaderly.