shatteredsmooth

@industrialistDragon You just gave me a much, much clearer idea of what the problem was. Thank you! Your questions, and trying to answer them, really helped me see how this opening was confusing and somewhat misleading about the focus of book. Looking at all the feedback on this thread, I'm thinking for readers who read book 1 and were aware of both the Jo, Je, and E parts of the plot and how that book balanced the internal and external plots, the concept of this chapter could work with revisions and edits, but if I want it to be something friendly to people who have not read the series, it needs more of an overhaul or rewrite or to be a different chapter. Makes sense. :-)

Good to know. Thank you! You're right. Consider this description gone. The inciting incident happens in Chapter 2. Maybe that should be Ch. 1... One reader suggested Ch.2 be my opening, and the other wanted the "deep breath" before the inciting incident and the accompanying explosion. I don't know why, but over three drafts, I have been very resistant to starting with that chapter. I keep insisting to myself that there needs to be something less violent and less dark before it. But maybe not. Modern day, just south of Portland, Maine. I probably need to put the word "Maine" right after Portland because most of the country sees Portland and assumes Oregon. But location aside, @Mandamon and @industrialistDragon also seemed skeptical of this in general and it caught me off guard. I'm wondering if unplanned teen pregnancy seems more common to me than it actually is because I work at a community college, and if people who get pregnant in high school to go college right after high school, or even with in a couple years of high school, it is usually at a community college. I know it is more common with the low-income students, but it does happen with the middle class suburban students too. I'll have to put more thought into how I handle it on the page. The opening scene in book 1 was internal, but E was jogging, and a stranger was following them, so there was suspense. After that was dialogue with Me and a sparring match. Book 1 tended to alternate between internal conflict, emotional/romantic scenes with J, and fighting, but the more I think about it, the more there was always something else going on in the more internal scenes. I think I am starting to understand the problem here more. There is more at stake than just saving him, but I will still rework his reaction to this because I think it is a little out of character. I'll keep an eye on that as I edit. Thank you @industrialistDragon and @kais for jumping in even though you haven't read book 1! You gave me some great feedback. :-)

I will be very unhappy if someone stops you. I want to read this book!

That makes sense. Through out much of that scene, it felt like I was either watching the stadium from above it, in a bubble of quiet with E and R, or just fully in E's head. That may have more to do with it than just the volume of their voices. But that disconnect aside, I loved the content of the conversation, the tension, and E's reaction to everything. OK. That was part of it, but also what confused me was when she actually did it, she used the symphony, which made me think it was something any majus of the house of healing could do.

Thank you! This gives me a much clearer idea of what isn't working. :-) And based on what you said, I'm thinking his reaction is a little out of character for him, so I will definitely change it.

Overall, Hmm I was pulled into this chapter and still feel like I need to keep reading; it feels like a tease to just read a little and then have to stop. Of the three sections, I think S’s was the weakest, and M’s was the strongest. E’s was packed with emotion and definitely needed, but I did get a little confused in a few spots and found myself having to go reread more. Because the conversation between her and R was happening in a room where other people were talking, I got a little lost and was wondering who could overhear them. I was also a little confused by what E meant about changing her eyes. At first I thought she meant actually changing her eyes to someone else’s, not using the symphony to enhance her vision like she did. S’s section got off to a slow start. Since there had been a lot of internal monologue in E’s, I wanted a break for it, not more of it. Once he got into the E’s office and started having a conversation, things got better. Consider trimming the begining of that section. M’s section was the one I had almost no criticism for, except for that the transition to it felt jarring, and I didn’t want it to end. There might not be anything to do about the transition. I just had a hard time adjusting because it had such a different tone from the last two sections. Transition aside, the difference in tone is a good thing. As I read: page 1: "...but when E arrived with her brother, they were both surprised by the way the gigantic crystal translated intent and words from other species... " I feel like this information about the Nether is constantly being repeated. Page 2 "“J,” called Speaker Osc..." to Councilor F had captured the Ari... E and I talked to in Gloomlight prison. Speaker Osc carefully hadn’t said the Council already had proof. " I got confused here, but I think it might have been my fault, not yours. Since we alternate between Councillor <last name> and the first name, sometimes I forget which names go together, so I was thing Osc was someone else. But going from that to part about Councilor F capturing the other Ari... had also somehow confused me. I felt like I was missing something. Page 3 "If that was something the Ari.. could to, their parents had not shared it with them." I think "to" should be "do" Page 4 "She risked a glance left and right. Could she change her eyes here, in the middle of so many people, while an Ari...—another Ari,,,—showed its face for the first time in a thousand cycles?" This is what I mentioned in my overall comments. Was she thinking of using her Ari... abilities to change her eyes to someone else's? Why? I don't understand. In the next paragraph, what E was thinking about R was also confusing. Page 6 “We have a much larger problem,” Majus A said." At first I thought she was saying this to everyone and forget she was just talking to E. This was an issue on and off throughout the whole thing. Who else are these two around? Anyone that can over hear them? Had i missed them doing something to the symphony to prevent people from overhearing or is their whispering masked enough by the assembly's chaos? Page 9: "The intervening days had been full, with Majus C ...rattled the Assembly representatives badly." I was not making the right connections between sentences here. "...majus would have gathered them all if she had found anything" There was too much summary in this section, especially considering it followed one that was very internal. I think you could trim a lot of this and get to the main part sooner. Page 13: "...then tapped the circlet. “A long time. This..." A long time ago? Should sam have asked “When did you hear? I loved the last line! I am looking forward to reading more next week.

I can do that. :-) Looks like I was close. Mel is keeping it together, but barely. I'll work on this while I work on the blocking. I see your point. Maybe reinforced? Strengthened? Or just something like "enchanted not to break" ? M picking it out of J's thoughts. I'll work on clarifying that. That's kind of what I was worried about, but those bad decisions happened before book 1 and have been part of my plan for this all along. In earlier drafts, the pregnancy wasn't revealed until about half way through the book, so that readers would still be sympathetic to him when he disappeared. That reveal wasn't working and needed to happen earlier, especially since the pregnancy plays a significant role in how E actually tracks J. I thought moving it to the first chapter, put it out in the open right away and created space for some unresolved tension to be present between E and J when he disappears. However, I don't readers to dislike him to the point that they don't care about Erin finding him. Is E is being a little too forgiving at the end of this chapter? Thank you so much for the feedback!

Content warning: Some swearing, self-harm, mention of past abuse, a little bit of kissing Hi All, I've paused the novella I was sending you because I got beta reader feedback on the sequel to Power Surge. As far as I know, only one of you read Power Surge, but several met M and E this past fall when I submitted "Life Minus Me." This story is told from E's POV. Genre-wise, I'm calling this NA urban fantasy. E's pronouns are they/them/theirs, but it is first person narration, so you don't see those pronoun unless someone is talking about E. Both readers agreed my first chapter wasn't working. One wanted the book to "take a deep breath" and let the reader catch up with the characters before I got into any actions or fight scenes. That is what I tried to do with this new opening. I think feedback from fresh readers could be helpful at this point. I do have a few specific questions: 1. Based on the opening, do you think you could pick this up without reading book 1? Why or why not? Or, if you read book 1, does this catch you up with the characters without boring you or feeling too forced? 2. What details about the characters, their backgrounds, book 1, or the story's world seem unnecessary or irrelevant to explain here? Is there anything you have questions about that should be answered in this chapter? 3. M is supposed to be a bit of a mess. Does that come across? Does it set up for some kind of family drama subplot with her and E? 4. Do you care enough about J that you will want to root for E to save him when he gets abducted by demons in the next chapter? 5. The betas said book 2 didn't have as many "feels" as Book 1. And they wanted more "feels". Do this chapter have "feels?" 6. Are there any places you can't follow the dialogue? Please keep in mind I can't change how the magic system works since the first book is already published. I'm not going to send this whole book through the group -- I just really need fresh eyes on the opening chapter. If you don't want to read over the 5,000 words, feel free to skip the last scene, which probably has more typos than anywhere else because I just rewrote it instead of editing it. Thanks! In book 1, E learned they were from a family of demon hunters and has a grandmother who is an Elf. E figured this out while being stalked by a demon There was an angsty freinds to lovers romantic subplot with J. E uncovers a plot for a demon apocalypse. E defeats the demon that was stalking them but fails to cancel the apocalypse.

I read this earlier in the week, but didn't write anything down. I thought it was okay but could definitely be better, but I couldn't quite pinpoint why. I intended to go back, reread, and make notes, but then, "oh, right, that con I signed up for really last minute and got a table at because someone cancelled" so I never got back to it. For the most part, I remember being fairly into the chapter. I would have made notes on the first read if I had a huge problem with something very specific. I did get annoyed at the new pov. I was not a huge fan of that character, and had a hard time getting into the rhythm of that character's dialect. However, I can see the value of including that POV since it offers a different perspective from the other narrators like S, O, R, E etc... Since my brain still fried, I'm kind of going to bounce off of what other people said. This was one of the better council meetings. I didn't get lost or bored with it as I sometimes do with the council. I feel the same as @industrialistDragon and this might be why I was struggling to comment. I couldn't find a good reason to critique him; I just really didn't like him and thought he was super annoying. But that isn't a flaw on your part...you could take it as a compliment. I agree with @Robinski here. I think what actually happens in the meeting and what not works, but I'm not 100% we are seeing it all from the right character...but I also could be bias because I didn't like the new POV and didn't like that character in Seeds... Anyway, this week is spring break, so you will probably get a much more detailed reply on tomorrow's sub!

Maybe. Probably.

I like these! Thank you for the the name suggestions and other comments. Technically, their grandparents then parents owned it but not them. That doesn't mean they didn't think of it as theirs, but I'll change that because it is confusing. No worries about lateness! I got beta feedback on the sequel to Power Surge and that has my writing attention consumed. Thank you all for your help! I will eventually have the next chapter ready, but it is still too rough to send.

Saving this person is how A almost gets the place back ultimately fails. A ends up getting to use the place for the rest of the summer, but the owner refuses to sell it back to them for any price or reason. In the end, A has to let go of this place and choose to leave and find a new path with Pete. Maybe the problem is that the plot I have laid out is faulty...

LOL I am probably the worst here with blocking, so maybe my word shouldn't be taken on the subject. And from the other comments, it seems like I am the only one who didn't have trouble with the blocking. But for flash fiction, I thought it worked. I pictured someone walking into the room, shooting. I knew where the bullets were going, which seemed kind of like in the Deadpool movies, where the camera focuses on bullets ripping through people. The mc got stabbed, but kept going anyway because it wasn't in a spot that inhibited movement. The leg tripped them up because it was a leg. That is all I need for blocking in a flash piece if the other issues are resolved. Or maybe I was too hung up on the fact that the main character heard voices and started shooting because of those voices to really be objective about the rest of it.

What I liked: I had no trouble picturing the action. The blocking was clear. I was never lost in terms of what was physically happening on the page. What could be better: Purpose and character development. I’m not quite sure I understand the purpose behind the action and what the arc of the character was. What I did understand was that someone heard voices and killed people. But why? I don’t know anything about those voices, aside from the fact that rarely agree with each other. All I know about the character is that she hears these voices, is related to the people she is shooting, and seems invincible. It is not enough to make me care about her or her family. I strongly dislike the concept as it is right now because it seems to be promoting a harmful stigma about mental illness. When shootings happen in real life, people always jump to conclusions about the shooter being mentally ill, which in turn makes other people think all mentally ill people are violent and dangerous. That misconception leads to discrimination against and unnecessary fear of people with mental illness. While reading, there were some lines that caught my attention and could help you develop the story more. “he had been helping with the recent disasters.” I’m not sure what you mean by this, but it hints that there might be more reason than voices for killing these people. If that is the case, I want to know a little more about the disasters and the victim’s involvement in them. I would like the story much better I the dark magic mentioned was amplifying some drive for revenge or punishment instead of “voices” telling the character to do something. “’Why is she in a color photo.’ Color Photos were only invented a year ago, making this one impossible.” This little hint at world building and back story made me curious, but it was never explored later. "As she left she heard tears, and one whispered word. 'Why?'” I’m not quite getting the significance of this. Overall: You have hints of a more complex world than what is on the surface, but not enough is on page to really make me engage with the story. I’m also having a hard time getting past an mc hearing voices before they go and shoot a bunch of people. However, if you delve a little more into the magic and show a little more of your characters personalities, this could be a good short.

Arg, alright. I'll go back and check. I didn't mean to write the full name. Sorry about that.

I was kind of getting this -- that Ri was still sort of spiraling with the fallout of book 1. As a reader, I'm looking forward to how it plays out, but right now, it is louder than the apprentices, who seemed like the more important characters in book 1. If you did cut Ri's POV, I think seeing her arc through O's eyes would be compelling too. But I like R, so I hesitant to encourage you to cut her POV. But this --I think @industrialistDragon is onto something good here!

There was some great tension E, S, and Re with the discussion about the LC and with S's near slip about E being Aridori. The chapter went by really fast! The most memorable part was when Ri was thinking that if O was cautioning against her doing something, it must really be risky. Though I was a little surprised that with Ri on the brink of such a big break through, that she was thinking about O's "dexterity" from the "evening before." As much as I had been invested in their relationship in the previous book, the middle of that speech didn't quite seem like the right place to drop hints about it. I loved the way the chapter ended -- with E about to reveal something and then someone else barging them into he room that big piece of news about the LC and the council. You left me really wanting to know what was going to happen next! A couple little edits: "...a greater number may life better lives" Life should be live "flaring and swooping as if her were..." I think you could end the sentence at swooping -- just leave it with the image of what his crest is doing. Otherwise, I don't really have much to say right now. I thought it was a great chapter, and I am looking forward to the next one. I'll go look at the other comments and see if there is anything I can add to those.

Thank you @Atium! Thanks for catching this. I'll clarify he has an idea but isn't 100 % sure. The reason struggled had more to do with how they were approaching the task. I'll work on showing that better and clarifying that is the case. Thank you !

I kept going back and forth between A knowing exactly who they were saving now and not realizing who it was until they meet / confront (?) him a few chapters laters. I'm not sure confront is actually the word for what will happen in that scene...begging? negotiating? I didn't want A to come across as too manipulative, or for this scene to be read as A only saving his life because they want something from him. But you're right. Even if A isn't 100 % certain of who he is, I do need to leave more hints for the reader. I'm trying to come up with a name and nick name that will work for this. One where the nick name isn't the most common choice for the name, and could be a nickname for a few different full names so it doesn't give away who the man is in that scene but still makes sense later. I'm not sure if Jack and Jacob will actually serve that purpose. Thank you very much. :-)

Thank you for pointing this out! In the previous version, A had been at the beach before they premonition instead of going there because of it. It looks like I neglected to change the tone of the description and some of the action to fit the new version. I'm glad you caught that. :-) Their overall motive might be clearer if you had read the whole thing, but it sounds like I should clarify how the actions in this scene relate to that. Essentially, they want to get back a property A's family sold, but they don't have the financial resources to do so. Because of a Tarot card reading, they think A harnessing their magic and following their premonitions might help them find a way to get the property back. In the opening of Chapter 4, they are researching the man who bought it. I'll try to show more of this as I revise. Thank you! That is always a challenge, but I also love the feedback I get when people do this. It gives me fresh perspective and helps me see pieces of the story from a different angle. Thank you very much!

Just sent mine.

Hi All, Here is attempt number two of chapter 4. I hope it fits a little better. It could be worse. The beat of this section is supposed to be along the lines of "A learns how to use their magic." It makes sense to me in the four page synopsis I wrote after I tossed my outline, but whether or not it works for other people when it is actually written is a different story. If I stick with what I have planned, it will probably be a novella. Maybe 20 or 30K words? When I get there if it seems like really needs to be shorter, I'll deal with it then. When tell myself I have to wrap it up in the next couple thousand words, I freeze up and go blank. Any type of feedback is welcome. Sara

I'm going to submit a rewritten version of chapter 4.

After reading the comments, I think I think those first few pages are going away. The rescue is significant and staying, but I am going to set up for it in a completely different way so it is the result of A taking action not A reacting to something they stumbled upon. I was thinking about all the comments while driving to my evening class and completely reimagined the scene. OF course, I wrote nothing down and forget half of it while I was teaching...but I know it involved A waking up in a completely different mode, experimenting with magic, and intentionally trying to seek out people in trouble that needed rescuing. Thank you @kais @industrialistDragon and @Mandamon

So if I told you that the person that A saved was the current owner of the cottage, would that change your opinion on this section? I was thinking it was going to come back later as a "hey, remember that random guy you saved? Well...." But maybe it needs to be set up in a much more deliberate way because it is an integral piece of the story. Speaking of deliberate... Both and neither. I just reread that page after reading your comments and I think there was something that never made it out of my head onto the page. In ch. 1, P talks about how A used to "intuit" when something bad was going to happen. This is what is happening here even if A isn't quite aware of it and misunderstood what it was. But maybe A and P should both be aware of what is happening here? Maybe making it a choice to investigate or follow it will help too? Thank you very much!