shatteredsmooth

Secretly might not be the right word. Basically, the point is to create an illusion for the residents so they don't feel like they are living independently and not in a fancy nursing home. Anything that makes it feel like a medical facility is kept hidden behind the scenes. I definitely need to work in something to clarify this. I'm going to hold off of on responding to the rest of the comments for now. Thanks for reading so quickly. :-)

Content Warning: Language and Violence Hi All, Since I felt like I kept getting the same feedback over and over again, I thought I'd try something a little different with Oomph. The first person present tense was really limiting the world building. I switched Ch. 1 to third person. It's included and faded gray, but you don't need to reread unless you want too. It boosts the submission to about 5500 words. I've added chapters from two other character's points of view and that is what I really want feedback on. Chapter 2 is from Fizzy's POV. She is a healer in training at The Sanctuary (the place where Di is trying to get Ronny too). Once she meets Di and the crew, she sticks with them. Chapter 2 is from the perspective of a Lander, a Rookie SE officer who is supposed to be shadowing the guys who Di kills in the diner. I originally wrote Fizzy's chapter as something that could be a stand alone short, and I've revised it a few times since. Lander's chapter is pretty much a first draft, though I did read it aloud to catch the worst of the typo's. Any type of feedback is welcome. Thanks! P.S. After I hit send, I saw the stupid typo in the email subject.

For a while, I was convinced it was Arthur the art director who stole it. But the "notes" at the end implied the detectives didn't think that. It was fun, but I wasn't sure how seriously or not seriously to take it. It opened with a classic cliche "dark and stormy night" which made me think this was going to be some kind of humor piece meant to poke fun at the detective genre, but then you had a nice description of the storm that showed the dark and stormy night and made the opening line completely irrelevant. I did get annoyed trying to figure out how old the "Girl" was meaning was this a teenager or an actual child. I liked the form -- how the story was told through dialogue. However, at times it felt too contrived and like the detectives were trying to hard to sound like some kind of sherlockian character. The whole set of clues seemed contrived too, and if it was modern enough for key cards, why weren't there cameras? There are cameras everywhere now. It might have worked a little better if this was set 100 years ago. Some thoughts I had while reading: ..."does not help at all" This seemed like a rather long chunk of dialogue. Though as I continued to read, I did notice that was kind of how a lot of it was. "three were present..." This repeats information that was in the dialogue. "Or something. Anyway..." Why "or something"? That phrase threw me off and pulled me out of the narrative. ...though, suggests that..." I don't think you need the though "Artur folded his arms" It is Arthur in other places. "Except you" this last line made me think detective T did it though i was really convinced it was Arthur for half the story.

I'm going to submit Monday next week.

Yeah. I'm taking a few weeks away from this, but I think I am going to add more POV's. My edit delays with my NineStar are making it hard to focus on anything writing related, but I think that is finally resolved. I think. Hopefully in another week or two, I can get back to this and go over to a multi-pov third person. I have ideas about who and why to add them. A SE pov would add a lot, and there is a character they meet up with later that has an interesting story that will eventually link up with Di's in a potentially romantic way (and that gets interesting because Di hates being touched). And when I go to 3rd person, Di and Al might end up they/them instead of xe/xir. Conceptually, I think neo-pronouns work good for space opera, but they/them just feels more natural and comfortable for me to write. This will need more thought. Yeah, Al was still enby but using "she/her" in an early draft. Binders have to get better in the future, right? Thanks for the comments!

I've been skimming this thread on and off, and while part of me wishes I kind of jumped in, I didn't because I'm too new to the group, don't have a passport, and don't know if I could actually be in a plane for long enough to get from the US to Ireland if the plane was anything remotely close to full. It does sound like you are all putting an awesome panel together, and I hope you get to present!

I like this title. It's straightforward and catchy.

I like this description of him.

Is there literally no one? I've got nothing this week.

I have time, I just may need to break for a week or two to get through my edits...if my publisher ever sends them. I'm not good at shelving things, so more than likely, I will see it through. I'm quite convinced this is the worst thing I've ever written...as an adult. That just means it will need a couple extra rounds of revision. Thanks!

Yeah -- you don't have to change it. It is consistent with character either way. And I can't say I'm not guilty of over dramatic swings in opinions of people, just not romantically. i.e. in a one minute I'm friends with one of my neighbors and the next I'm muttering about them being an a-hole because they mowed my lawn or didn't make sure they cat got inside before it rained. He still probably reacts more than my characters. I think that works much better! If not, maybe I was just short circuiting again. It wasn't a good week for me with things like words and syntax. Beware if you read my submission from this week. I've been told I have so many errors its hard to understand, and I am afraid to go back and look it. OK, so my mind was in the gutter then. You can always just use my real if you really want to (Sara) or my real initials (SC). I wasn't thinking when I decided to use my social media handle / name of my abandoned seaglass-related craft business as a name for a forum where people refer to each other by the display names.

OK -- I don't know what I was thinking. The meaning hasn't changed, just what kind of loot people get. My brain just short circuited.

It's not you! It's the same feedback over and over from a lot of different people. The exercises are a good idea, even if I don't include them. With my better projects, I did stuff like that and wrote multiple independent short stories from the same world. I could also try going back to 3rd past. Over a year ago, I wrote the first three or four chapters in third person past for a class, and got a lot of positive feedback. Then I switched to first and finished a draft in NaNoWriMo. I was in the process of sending ms #4 out to beta readers, and was running to problems because it was 3rd person with alternating POV's and the more prominent of the two used they/them. People weren't overtly mean, but I got a lot of, "Oh, when I read the first sentence, I thought it was a typo. Maybe you should switch to first person." or "Why do you have to have them be non-binary? After all, the story isn't about the character being non-binary, and there aren't issues related to it." Basically, I switched to first person, and used xe for Al because I didn't want to deal with the "But they can't be singular" bs again. Either way, something major isn't working with my approach to this. If changing from xe to they and present 1st to past 3rd helps, then it will be worth it. True. And I think I'm almost to a part that has more meat, but we'll see. I have't read that part in a while... I'm going to have to take a break soon either way, because this week I'll be working edits for a book that is getting published. Thank you for reading and for being honest. I'm sorry my response is such a book.

Sorry. :-( I wasn't going to submit this week, but then decided to at the last minute. It seems made the wrong decision. I'm almost wondering if I should just shelve this for now. I keep going back to the begining, and each time, I get a little further through my revisions, but no matter what, I end up with the same problem. This is my fifth novel manuscript. I've had trouble showing emotions before, but never have I so drastically failed to develop characters and connect them to the setting. My first few books started off all very developed character, setting, and world (or so I've been told) with very little plot in sight. Maybe there is something fundamentally wrong with how I am approaching this book, or maybe my head just isn't in it.

This section definitely feels like it is building, almost to the peak, but it felt a tad bit rushed...maybe. This was kind of a big reveal, or part of one, so most of the comments I made while reading tie into how it was set up and what worked and didn't work about that. "never...foreigners could be adepts..." I don't recall anything about whether they could or couldn't, but I could've forgotten. "You came seeking aid" This really confused me with the earlier timeline, especially in relation into P saying D orchestrated O's "aggressive pursuit" "your being arrested and jailed." I had been thinking P was engineered O's actions to drive J to him. J thinks it makes sense but to me it doesn't add up, especially since we don't clearly know at what point in time this mystery visit happened. "She always intended to cross" He is talking about C here, right? Why would she cross him? What could she gain by it? I feel like they don't know eachother enough for him to be worth premeditated crossing. Spur of the moment, turn on him to survive? Fine. But, "oh, i just met this guy I'll work with him and betray him for an unclear reason" doesn't quite sound right unless I am missing something. On a more positive note, the idea of the human bones is gross and fascinating and a well executed twist. The beautiful imagery is a great juxtaposition to the rot at it's core. The bones and the concept of this big reveal scene work, but the pieces don't all come together for me.

I felt a little disoriented at the begining of this section. I swore he got caught at the end of the last one in his blind rage, and then his fellow thieves are helping him somewhere and then someone points him and out and I realize everyone did know it was him who rampaged, he just hadn't gotten physically caught. The transition between the two scenes could use more work, but that might be something to focus on when you have a beta reader going through the whole thing at once instead of a chapter by chapter thing. I had more of a problem with the J-C relationship in this section than in any other the others since the first version I saw of the scene in which J first met her. More on that below. As I read: "...potatoes, or his swag." I didn't quite get the swag part, but my head might be to caught up in modern connotations of the word. "Calmly...Quietly..." so it seems like she is comforting him like she knows what happened, but he didn't tell her and doesn't seem to realize this. You might be hinting at something here, but it did throw me out of the narrative and make me wonder what I was missing. "...doorway. Pen..." This made me realize he was just far enough ahead of pursuers to get to his co-thieves. "C's hand to hook..." Is he really trying to get laid while hiding from pursuers? If I were her I'd break a wine bottle over his head instead of whispering...ok, well, maybe that would've given the hiding spot away, but still, her reaction was way too gentle from my perspective. "her?" C whispered..." I wasn't sure who her was on this dialogue "Being with me has a heavy price" this felt a tad forced, cliche and is kind of an overdone female warrior trope. Plus I think C is a bit more complex. Unless C isn't being honest...maybe she really just can't stand him and is trying to be gentle with his ego. "a point where I was done with her" done with what? had anything really started aside from a on-sided crush on her and a bit of a jerk about it? "cheap infatuation" right, so now that she rejected him, he admits it is an infatuation, but also calls it cheap, demeaning or devaluing her because she rejected him. "glint of steel in..." really pretty description "end to me" ok, didn't he see her as a threat or someone who could do him in when he first saw her in prison? It might not have been directly written, but between the lines it implied it to me, maybe. Like, that is one of the school yard bullies and I need to get on her good side before she squashes me, especially since she is a hottie. "Black Witch" Had you used this earlier? I had forgotten. And using the term witch doesn't work, even after reading the next section... ...excepting" the context of the sentence made me think you meant expecting, unless you are referring back to P excepting J from the list. "Wipe my mind again" OK, this makes sense as far as the gaps in memory were concerned, but I was expecting a little more reaction from J. It did end with a good hook! Overall, the middle of this section was well paced, the opening was a little jarring, and the end was a little quick but had a good hook. It definitely feels like it is building quickly, getting closet to a climax and resolution.

I had assumed the die role was some kind of magic, not luck, but like a subtle Magneto thing. Writer who always fails to make characters emote chiming in: I liked how he was so focused on the cards and the strategy. I don't have the attention span to do that in most games, except from Scrabble. I try counting the letters, but I screw it up half the time even though they are on the board in front me. Malfunctioning brain aside, the main character's focus on the game felt very believable to me. I just really annoyed every time he talked. I was thinking "shut up and focus on the game" while wondering if that was actually a strategy. THIS! Ok, and maybe if the characters were already really well developed, the game with the math and lack of emotion would be tolerable for other readers? OK, so I think the point @Mandamon and @Robinski lost interest are where I finally got drawn in. Though I do agree what they and @kais say about the world building and characters being rushed and underdeveloped. And re all the star wars stuff, I was picturing J more like Kenneth Branagh playing Benedict from Much Ado About Nothing than han/luke vibe, and B as more Adam Baldwin (a la Jayne or Casey) than Chewie. My reading of this was a kind out in left field for this one. Yay subjectivity.

Overall: This almost felt like a self contained story instead of an opening chapter, as you said in the post. The scenes initial conflict of gambling to get the info was resolved, though I am left wanting to read on to find out what information J got. I also liked the way you set up to reveal J was able to manipulate dice, though I think it would’ve had more impact if I knew him a little better. I felt stuck on the surface of these characters, almost like they were tropes with some personality but not enough to make them real in my head. They’re not all that poorly developed. There just seems to be something missing from them…says the person whose characters lack depth and emotion. The Undercity with all its twisty dark streets felt a little cliché, along with Lady Luck, but that can work if it is what you want. The lady herself actually felt like the most unique character to me, especially the way you showed her gambling addiction during that last game. That was fantastic! The way the rules of the game were set up worked for me. I got a little confused, but then in real life, I never understand a game’s rules the first time someone explains them. If I reread just to learn them, more than likely, they would be clear. It didn’t feel too info dumpy. I think the big thing for this section is to really flush out each character’s uniqueness and if it is part of a larger work and not a standalone, maybe end with a little more of a hook. I’m looking forward to more! As I read: … “Sure. Let’s go. Yay.” I reread this interaction a few times to make sense of it, but I still laughed. “And Dark Eye wants…” Something about this confused me. “...Brutus’ frame will compensate…” I kind of get the point, but the sentence didn’t really make sense “Equal to intelligence to the rest…” Something is off with the two to’s “area of the capitol” So far there has been a good balance of dialogue and exposition, but the Brutus as dumb muscle seems forced and cliché. It almost seems stuck in the middle of just breaking the trope and not having Brutus act like a brute at all and Brutus intentionally playing into it to fool people who aren’t his friends. “using tracks” You used tracks a lot close together and it stood out to me. “…fixed. The water” Are you intentionally leaving something out here, beside the period? Something felt missing between this and the scene break. “Won’t water get trapped” Well if the pocket is water resistant and its sealed, is the water going to get in there in the first place? Or maybe I’m thinking water proof, not resistant. “Wouldn’t be affected.” What wouldn’t be affected? “You’re the legendary…” This felt forced, and like it was an info dump masked as dialogue “Worse more than anything” is worse supposed to be worth? …”as well as run the highest stakes.” Something seems off in this sentence. “The sensitive information” this phrase was a little too vague. Maybe sensitive isn’t the right word? “saw you roll a…” They seemed to say a lot out loud while playing. Is this something gamblers do to confuse each other? It felt a little forced and unrealistic to me, but then I don’t really gamble…unless you count occasionally playing poker with M & M’s. “Bring it!” seemed out of character

Sorry. :-( Submitting this week was kind of a last minute decision. Rushing, writing late at night, and not taking my ADD med was a bad combination for my sentences. I'll to leave more time to proof read before I submit next time.

This is why one of many, many reasons I need groups like this. In my head it varies from scene to scene. Sometimes it's just dresses, sometimes its full-out drag. It was in the incoherent "first draft" I write during NaNo Yes, but if the reader just goes through and it thinks, ok, that was pointless, then I just need to scrap it or completely change the way that option falls through. Of course if it is too obvious I'm setting up for something, then there is no room for surprise at the end. Yup. Same being D talked to at the end of the other scene. Same one who delivered the artifact SE wants. The characters haven't figured it out yet, but the MedBot is more an extension of Bacon than a separate ai. As I get further into the book, I'm toying with idea of the MedBot separating from almost like a kid being born Yay! :-) Glad this worked! I'm trying to make sure the reader gets to peek in D's head more often. Thank you!! P.S. in sanserif font, AI (ai) looks exactly the same as Al (al), which is a problem with proper capitalization when there is an ai and an al. If it continues to be a problem, I may switch to al's full name (Alinez) and only use the shorter version in dialouge

Hi All, With first drafts, I plow through without going back and reading what I wrote. With revision, I can be a little too obsessive for my own good, constantly going back and rewriting chapters, unable to move on until I am relatively happy. Sometimes this involves rewriting entire chapters and turning the ship's computer into an AI named Bacon. So a bit has changed since you last read the first few chapters. The gray is the old text, which you don't have to read. The black, which starts after the first scene break in chapter 7, is where the submission starts. I should be marked with big red letters highlighted green. This section replaces the slow one where D goes to get fuel, hears an interrogation and changes xir mind. It has more action, but also sets up for something that happens much later. Short recap: Di, half human, half whatever xir unknown father is, is on the run from the SE, the law enforcement arm of the Tri-System administration. Di and friends flee from earth to the moon where they pick up a ship, but get caught at the last minute, and Ronny, the mentor/adult helping them, gets severely injured and is in a coma. The ship's medbot has him stable, but it can't fully heal him either. Di's immediate goal is to get enough fuel to get out of the Tri-Systems and Galactic Alliance so xe can safely take Ronny to a more advanced medical facility. The larger foal is to get a powerful Oomph artifact to a rebellion forming in "wildspace" For those who don't know, Oomph is the world's magic. Very few people can use it, and even less understand it. It's illegal in Di's corner of the galaxy and those who can use it are required to take drugs that suppress their ability to use it. Currently, Di, an Oomph user, is out of suppressant. Feedback: I don't have any specific questions this time. Whatever feedback you can give will be highly appreciative. I'm behind on reading your stuff, but I will read it hopefully sooner than later. -SC Re: Content Warning Language and Violence are obvious for this, but I put S for sex even though there is no on page sex, because there is mention of prostitution and one of the character's experience with it. =

I'll jump in.

It was probably stated somewhere in the book, but it didn't click with me that he was in he was 80 or close to it. You said 2060's, so 1980's to then... But yeah, I get the point. I had said something about 2300's but I'm not sure I'm sticking with that. I'm going to build the world as I go and try to figure out what year it is based on that. Thank you for the comments!

I'm not sure I've heard of Lost Girl, but I more less sacrificed anything with episodes to the writing gods a few years ago. I limit myself to two seasons per year (two shows, one season of each). But I could probably watch a short. I've done this with other stories, so I should be able to manage it with this one. Thanks!!

@RobinskiI just saw the LBL's! thank you. Now that you mention it, there does seem to be something missing at the end. I'll work on that. Your comments will defiantly help me sharpen the piece.