shatteredsmooth

No one except maybe other the trolls? I'm pretty sure the readers who laughed at it didn't actually read close enough to pick that up. This may be one of my "humanity is terrible and we're all monsters" pieces parading around in what it thinks is a funny chicken suit. Anyway, I have a lot to think about. :-)

Thank you for reading so quickly, and I appreciate the honesty. I shared two versions of this in a MOOC last week, and I got that feeling that half the people there thought commenting on writing was just about boosting people's egos. One guy actually called me out on too different comments for suggesting any changes when he thought the piece, obviously an early draft, was perfect as is. I noticed that person didn't comment on my work. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment, but I get really frustrated when I ask for criticism and don't get it. Interesting. I wanted the reader to leave reader almost pitying the trolls and realizing the narrator was sort of a villain. That was the point. The beings hunting the trolls were portrayed more internet troll than anything else. Interesting. Your not the first person to say that. Two of the people in the class who actually knew how to critique debated about this a while on my second draft. Ok. Maybe minimize the internet and have more domestic dragons and tracking spells.

It could have a competition with the lake algae...too see who can creep me out the most? Thankfully, this year the lake has native filamentous (?) algae and not the toxic blue-green algae (cyanobacteria, which is technically not even algae). But wait, can that fungus thing from Third Don rot fiberglass? Because I wouldn't mind them eating some of the boats on my lake, particularly the ones with loud speakers and fireworks.

Hi All, I had been hoping to send more of my novel-in-progress, but that just isn't going to happen today, and I'm already late. However, I do have this little 880 word piece of fiction I would love feedback on. The Snowflake Fairy Guide to Troll Hunting is not a traditional narrative -- more like satire told in the form of an artifact from a fantasy world. This is my third draft. My other readers have claimed it was politically neutral and partisan in spite of the word "snowflake" being part of its title. I think it leans a degree to the left, but my focus is poor online behavior, not specific political ideologies. Still, I'll list violence and politics as a content warning. So, my questions are: Is the voice consistent? Did it make you laugh? Where are they typos and missing words? What could I do to make it better? Thank you! Sara

Sounds good. I'll post my comments as I get caught up. :-)

I have crafty things I could give as prizes, but I doubt anyone wants beach glass jewelry. I don't make/sell it anymore, but somehow, when I was in grad school, I actually made about the same as would with a partime retail job. Basically stuff like this. I have a few boxes of inventory collecting dust...

If you had actually written "not one" I would agree. But None can mean "not one" or "not any" Not one adult was laughing. Not any of the adults were laughing. Whether was or were is correct, I actually think "None of the adults laughed" is an option too. I've gotten criticized by editors from using was -ing verb too much in my own writing, though I think it does work in the context of the scene. And now I'm sitting at my lap top, drinking tea, laughing out loud because I am arguing about the usage of one word. Me, a person who used to claim grammar is overrated and is horrible at self editing. If I new how to put GIF's in these posts, there would be a facepalm.

I'll submit again on Monday if that is okay. It will either be another segment from the Oomph novel or a standalone short story. If it's a standalone, it will be between 800 and 2000 words, depending on which one I send.

@Zay Wolfe I haven't read any of your submissions yet, but plan to this weekend. If you've made any recent changes to this and last weeks, I'm happy to look at a new version. If not, I'll read the ones you sent.

Those are super cute!

How long the stories are going to be would matter. If It was a 300 word piece, I wouldn't mind if my first publication rights were lost to the contest because I'd probably post the piece on my blog after. I used to do a just for fun contest every week called cracked flash -- there was a prompt, stories were posted in the comments, and the winner was announced the next week with a cool GIF. The runner ups got a little feedback. It was a good excercise. The week after the contest, I'd post the stories on my blog. My followers seemed to like them. Eventually the content went on indefinite hiatus and I stopped posting micro fiction on my blog. Point being, if it is a really short piece, it will be easy to vote and losing rights won't be as big a deal as if it were a 700 or 800 word story.

It's set up in a newer version of the first chapter. Basically, D doesn't know who or what he is. Mom won't say, and DNA analysis lists him as an unknown species. There was a rushed convo with Ronny in the last section about how Di's dad is involved in some kind of coup against the tri-system because of how they treat Oomph users. Ronny made it sound like the dad was organizing it, but it's a little more complicated than that. Di doesn't know much else. I do, but that will come into play later. What I think I need to clarify in this and earlier chapters is right now, D wants to get out of the systems and the galactic alliance (which is like the UN) and get rid of the artifact, preferably somewhere far from SE because they don't trust SE. So delivering to their dad -- the person Ronny was bring it to, would make sense. Plus, they do want to know who their bio dad is. You didn't mention the artifact, but your comment still reminded me that it kind of disappeared / was forgotten after Ronny took in Ch 2 or 3 and that is a problem. Maybe when I send out my next submission I'll ad a footnote about important things that got left out or glossed over in the earlier chapters. Thank you for the feedback! :-)

I haven't been around long enough to reply about this group, but I've been in other digital critique croups that didn't make the year mark. In one case, I think I joined when it was fizzling, and after a couple months, when I was the only one ever posted, it got awkward whether people responded or not. Another I was in from the start, run by email and not a forum, was good for three or four months then gradually everyone but me stopped sending stuff so the group decided to disband. I left a third because we couldn't send more than 1,000 words at a time, and even though I was reading other people's work, they either weren't reading mine or they were just telling me it was good and pointing out my typos (not that I have any shortage of typos in anything write...). The point for me was just that pieces weren't good. Why would I need a critique group if they were? I guess what I am trying to say is that from my experience with other groups, I'm not surprised a lot of people dropped out -- not because you are a bad group but because you are an awesome one. Over the past five years (time I've been serious about writing, revision, and publishing all together), I've really struggled to find writers who are consistent writers and critiquers. Even my face to face groups are falling apart. One that used to be awesome turned in to I submitted stuff. We talked about my writing. Everyone else complained about how they never write anything. I tried to encourage them to write more. We tried doing prompts at our meetings. And now I'm pretty sure the group is over. The other is fading because there are only three of us and one woman is having a baby. So the fact that after five years, you have people here still submitting regularly and giving the kind of feedback you give is amazing. It's a huge accomplishment.

I meant to delete the provisions line. In this version, Ronny got the provisions, but not the fuel. Interesting. I didn't actually intend to write this in a form with such little description, but it does seem to be a form I chose. I suspect it is because it's in more urban settings and not out in the woods or on the ocean, The first draft of this was last years NaNoWriMo. I've been editing / expanding / changing from past to present tense before I send each chapter. I keep thinking if I go back and revise again before I move on, he new stuff will have less problems, but it might not, and I'm probably just making more work for myself. I guess none of the comments in the last couple batches have suggested any major plot changes. I keep worrying that the changes are going to cause some major shift and result in me deleting half the book and rewriting it, but they really won't. Clarifications, better description, transitions, world building, more emotion, and some in-scene structure build on what it is already there. It's revision and edits, not complete rewrites. This is one of those world building details I'm having a hard time with. If physical money goes away, I keep thinking that means governments can track all money. But that isn't necessarily true, because bitcoin exists now, and that is used for illegal stuff. So I guess if psychical money is gone in the story's world, then it needs to be clear that the criminals are always a step ahead of the government as far as tracking and hacking goes? And here is another description fail. I guess I was thinking of the cred sticks almost like those bank gift cards that have set amounts of money on them. There is a chip or code on/in it that links to a virtual account with a set amount of money in it. But in a world with more advanced tech than this one, that is probably redundant. Also, re physical money, didn't @kais have a physical money system in Ardulum? Or did I read that wrong? In this particular story, not having physical money could up the stakes. Because with anything digital there is a risk of it being traced even if it is hard or uncommon the setting. That would give the characters more reason to barter for things and not buy them outright. ___ Thank you very much for all your feedback! Your comments always challenge me in a good way and help me flesh out the world and characters.

I had the same reaction. @Mandamon names the problem a little clearer than I did. The narrator seems very aware of what he is doing -- the narration is coherent enough for him to be able to mentally react. Maybe either needs to be more a breakdown in his thought process, maybe a drastic change in voice? OR he needs to react somehow. In the back of his mind realizing he is out of control and is powerless to stop it. The later, evoking a sense of powerlessness to control his own mind, could be intense in a good way.

I am very very confused. The part with him playing was well done. I liked the blend of curiosity, the tension, especially around the salute to the king or whatever it was called. However, how he acted in the library totally baffled me. I am guessing there is some kind of curse or magic that was making him act that way, and I'll find out what in the next chapter, but if your intention to make readers wonder what the heck is going on, it worked. But it also pulled me out of the story. This is a hard one to really judge without more of what comes next. Some notes as I read: "realized then as I clutched" I'm thinking this could be rearranged so the realization happens naturally without the narrator overtly telling the reader. It works with the voice as is, and if it were mid scene, I might not take issue, but as a chapter or scene opening, it feels a little too forced to draw me in. If others feel differently though, feel free to disregard this comment. I loved the juxtaposition between the servants stairs and the main house. "...there feet, but it was young..." Should be "their" "...the adults was laughing..." adults were laughing "the way the lady had gone" I was just confused as to why she was the target of his rage until it occurred to me he might be under some kind of spell. Or maybe it is a side effect of the tiger bones?

Hi All, I'm a little disappointed in my lack of progress on revisions over the past week. Lot's of stops and starts. I'm working on slowing down the parts that were rushed and confusing, but didn't get as far as I hoped. I'm sending the next couple chapters anyway, though I'm not super confident about them. I have that feeling where I almost know what is wrong, but still can't quite name or identify it. Whatever feedback you have will be good, however, it would be helpful if you could point out places where you expect an emotional reaction from a character but don't get one or places where there is actually appropriate emotional reaction where there is some illogical or nonsensical piece of world building or you are missing something key about the world or a place where I did something right related to world building places where you get bored/lost or places are very engaged with the story. Lately I've been a bit antsy about the quieter scenes that don't have a lot of action. I know that in a lot of ways, they are the more important ones where you learn about the characters, but for some reason I have this illogical fear of them being so boring the reader will just throw the book out the window that I try to skip them. I kind of wanted to skip parts of this submission, but I made myself write it and revise it. Was that a mistake? Don't worry about grammar or LBL's unless you think there isn't much else to comment on. Also, I copied Robinski this week and included the old text in the file, but faded it to light gray. I did this because I'm still working on the earlier sections and it will just help me keep everything in one file until I move beyond it. The actual submission starts with the black text on page 35, and is 2995 words long. Thanks! Last time, Di and friends fled Earth after killing a system enforcement officer, got to the moon, and made it to a secret hanger without getting detected. Ronny, Di's father figure, brought them to a ship, and left to go get supplies. He came back with the SE hot on his tail. He got injured. Di flew the ship and escaped to hyperspace, but Ronny lost consciousness and fell into a coma.

OK -- that makes sense. I just somehow missed that or forgot. Probably wouldn't have gotten confused if I was reading straight through.

Or you could cut back a lot and make it a short story...but I could see a whole novel about this character too

If you don't tell readers its a villain story than you don't have to. I guess it depends on what else you end up writing about her and whether or not you expand it.

This section went by too quickly in a good way! The voice and character are really coming alive now and I want to keep reading. I think the things you mentioned in the foot notes do a raise the stakes. I want to read more!! Here are some thoughts as I read: "Couldn't show up with my..." This first line threw me off. Why couldn't he show up with it? "...your arms. There you..." This seems like it came out of nowhere. Why would she think that? And wasn't she the one that started the flirting to begin with? "feast after the efforts..." The description of the food was well done because it made me really hungry. "but sickening the light of..." In this section, I noticed I was really drawn into the voice and description. In a moment so peaceful it was almost magical, you reminded me of the stakes without pulling me out of the moment and did something I fail to do all the time -- you showed strong emotion in the character. "inlet. The gardens" The exact comment I wrote while reading was "nice time passage montage" Levee You use this word three times really close together. "Sank into the cooling water..." Was this supposed to be the erotic part? It was sexual, but it faded to black before it got real steamy. When I hear the word erotic, I think all the details about the act...granted, I don't need the details. However, I am wondering if they were doing the deed in the deep water and are extremely skilled at swimming and erotic things (maybe there is a marrow for this?) or if they went to shallow water... anyway, I think what is here is appropriate and not gratuitous. "was now a mess" Aside from the government getting involved, it seems to be going pretty smoothly. And I'm not convinced his stroke of luck was actually luck at all, or him subconsciously figuring out something useful -- like he expected kids or a maid would be there even though he didn't realize it, though the fact that they wanted him to play was in no way planned, but him showing up at that place seemed more to do with forgotten memories...or maybe the forgotten memories were about the pet cemetery. But really, the job is going so smoothly that I am on edge waiting for the other shoe to fall (that is an expression, right? Sometimes I mess those up).

This time I'm commenting before I read what other people said: Overall, the heist was my favorite part. Yes, there was still some telling and forced dialogue, but for the most part, it flowed really well, had a good pace, suspense, and was entertaining. It was also set up well. As soon as I met E a few scenes ago, I figured her and M were going to be stealing something. I was a little confused by the automaton and the bargain. That seemed like it was setting up for something, but nothing came of it. Is there supposed to be a sequel? The end was a little anticlimactic. The battle with the guy we knew set her up was rushed, and then the dad didn't even want the amulet in the end. And did anyone notice the guy missing? Did anyone realize who robbed the vault? There seems to be a lot that isn't resolved. And M decided to stay, but I was never really sure how the events shown actually lead her to want to stay. In one of the threads, you mentioned this was a villain origin story, but to be honest, nothing about the end screams villain. M seems to have matured a bit, and I could see them making a fair ruler one day. Maybe. If they keep learning.

Yup. When I read Game of Thrones, I cried when a dire wolf died. People getting murdered or flayed? Whatever... but kill a dire wolf? My wrath is severe enough to make an angry dragon look like a cuddly kitten. Anyway, just something to keep in mind when reading my comments re: cat and dog-like animals. I'm a certain type of reader. No everyone is like me in that regard. Especially since I'm not a vegan respect every animal equally type. I hang around too many murderous cats.

Yup. I also had a hard time following this section, and was wondering how E knew so much about the contract and the house's business if she wasn't from the area. And why wasn't the narrator surprised that E knew more than she did? Yeah -- but I liked the "breeding stock" comment at least for that character. It emphasizes how low men are in her culture...not that I think anyone of any gender should be breeding stock. It just fits this arrogant warrior princess. A is the guy she met at the dress shop, right? He almost seemed like a different character at the ball. This was pretty clear to me, and E seems to be an adept liar. But since she is not from M's culture or M's dad's, I just don't get how she knows so much about this trade world. I don't need to say much about this because @industrialistDragonid a great job with it. Listen to that post. You can get rid of the racist stuff and still have a fish out of water scenario and even make it more powerful. The only time I would use the word savage, if at all, is then when the b**** at the ball calls M that, and M should really be offended by it, and a big deal should be made about it. Or just complete erase the word savage and civilization from the story. I agree that skin tone is irrelevant. Even if this isn't about race, you are still tapping into a history of oppression and making one culture better than the other...is there a way to do this without using the language that ties it to that history? Make it more unique to the story? Anyway, I don't want to get to into it because I saw the convo got heated all ready. I had already typed most of my comments by the time I got to @Silk's post. No one needs to respond to my comments -- I won't feel ignored. I don't want to reignite the debate, but I don't want to silence myself either... Overall: So far I keeping thinking the same things -- the concept and plot points work. The language, repeated information, info given too late, info dumps, stereotypes and forced dialogue are still a problem.

I'd like to submit Monday ( July 23). I'm saying it now so I get my next section revised in time and stop procrastinating. I swear, my characters will show emotion this time!