shatteredsmooth

LOL. Well that's going in my signature. Just minding my own business, very behind on submissions, scrolling to the end of the feed...saw this completely out of context and started laughing. OK, so on to my crit now, which will probably be short. It's been a while since I read the other version of this, but my general impression is that it has improved. It feels very tense. Heavier than I remember. I can follow the banter and interactions between Q and E much better now, and don't have the "am I missing something?" feeling anymore. The one place I felt a little lost was when they were going back and forth with the politics, but think that is WRS combined with skipping weeks and then playing catch up. And even with me losing engagement for half a second, the chapter still ended with a bang. There was one line early in the chapter, "And now his son was here, they would be reunited, all going well. What did he have to give?" Something about this wasn't quite clicking when I read it. Otherwise, I thought this was a great revision. I'm on to the next chapter.

The tension in this chapter was through the roof! The scene in the jail cell was more tense and easier to follow. It had more emotional depth from M but still had plenty of her snark. I loved the line about Q's words being a "stiletto" between DM's ribs. "That's what she would pick for..." I adored how M was terrified, and naming each kind of gun that DM had. In this whole section, the emotion and the tension was ramped up. When DM pointing the gun at M was used as a tag mid evil villain speech, for a second I thought he might have been pointing it at E, but that was clarified almost immediately after. Still, I kind of wanted M's reaction the second the gun was pointed at her, not after he finished talking. I stumbled a little on the transition from the cell to the bar, around wen M asked for the robot and E asked K where they stood. Overall, the tension felt missing from that scene, but I didn't feel much relief either. When M was asking for her android, something was missing, much of the tension and emotion she was brining in the previous part of the chapter was gone, but I didn't exactly feel relief either. The emotion came back when she leaned on Q. For a stretch, that dialogue felt a little too matter of fact. Right now, that little stretch is quick, mostly tagless dialogue. Can you drop a few lines to keep the tension / emotion going to carry it through? And at first, I was also confused as to whether there had been some time jump, or if K was just saying screw the rules and sneaking them out in the chaos. Later, there was a line confirming the later, but throughout the chapter, I kept wondering what the stakes were for K now. How much trouble could he actually get in for this? Him taking a risk to catch DM felt in character for him throughout most of the book, with the exception being that chapter where Q & M had been rescued by helicopter. I'm not sure how much that chapter changed, but in that one, K had seemed hell bent on killing Q, and going from that to this is almost too big a swing. Between getting to the bar and getting to the serious after dinner talking, there were at least two X amount of time later type things. Is it possible to make it so there is just one of those? I liked the tired getting pulled along by the grownups feel from M's POV, but I also felt like I was stumbling a little. The reveal about MC was a BIG CHANGE from the other draft. I had suspected the son was in Gen... from early on, so I find this reveal satisfying, assuming it is true. Overall, there are a few little wrinkles to iron out, but otherwise, this was much better.

This chapter had fantastic tension at the begining. I wasn't entirely certain that they were all going to make it out of the city, so when they did, it felt a little more earned than the victory in the M chapter. I did like seeing how the different people took different approaches to fighting these things, and now, maybe for the first time, I am hoping to see R's group and M's group meet up, though that will be a lot of characters all at once if they all come together and not just some from each group. I liked the idea of everyone working together in the symphony, though I did have a slightly difficult time picturing what they were doing. Right now, I'm literally picturing something that is a cross between a mostly invisible deflector shield and a piece of a soap bubble that is shiny and reflecting different colors of light. After that, the chapter was a little less exciting, though maybe necessary. The last R chapter had ended with talking and planning, and now, after a brief spurt of action, we are back to talking and planning. How much of this do readers 100% need to see / read? I have a limited tolerance for large groups of people just trying to figure out what to do next through dialogue... even though I probably have written plenty of those scenes myself. I don't mind it so much when it's just a small group where I'm more invested in the characters, but this didn't have much emotion in it or another layer that I noticed. I was starting to loose interested a little when it ended. The end of this chapter probably would have more punch if I had read Journey. I'm not sure what you changed about book 2, but there was a brief mention of that other species there, and if I recall, it felt kind of out of nowhere. I'm not sure how I would react if I had never heard of this species at all. I did like that in the chapter, O did mention S and the twins. That is making me think that the next chapter will go back to one of them. I'm looking forward to that!

I also started out grumbly about another bar scene, but was also won over. I loved the little moment between Q & M. If that was in the other ch. and not this one, I'm sorry. I just read them both straight through. There was a lot of good information. There was something about MC having previously mention TOM's involvement in the election. It's probably WRS but I didn't remember happening before. This might also be WRS, but I forgot how much E knew about TOM. I always feel like I'm missing something in the flirty scenes, even though they're entertaining. I did have the strong sense that at the end of this, they had a plan that was finally going to be carried out. I loved the timing of the curfew announcement! It raises the stakes. Ifeel like this ended with a good last line.

To an extent, I agree with this, but also was forgiving of a lot of it while I read because all of a sudden we were in M's POV which completely distracted me from all of these problems. As much I did enjoy seeing this play out from M's POV, I'm not sure that is enough to redeem it in the big picture, especially since they don't just spring to action chasing DM, but go to a bar to drink and plan. On another note, I wish we had a little more of M's POV throughout!

I agree that being introduced immediately to someone's gender characteristics can be jarring. I think I have a better idea of where you are coming from now and why I reacted so strongly to parts of your initial comment. Maybe part of why I got so confused and reacted so strongly is because I don't always associate pronouns with people's gender characteristics. Two people can use the same pronouns and have very different gender characteristics, or use different pronouns and have similar gender characteristics. When pronouns are used in introductions, I almost equate it with exchanging names, not defining gender identity or characteristics. I get very uncomfortable when people associate physical characteristics with pronouns, so when I saw a comment that I thought was equating pronouns and anatomy, I got very defensive. Outside of certain circles on the internet, being demi (I think, I'm still trying to figure out if this is actually the right label) and nonbinary, is something I mostly have to either hide or constantly defend it, so there are certain phrases I react rather strongly too. I didn't mean to make you feel stereotyped or attacked. You just use certain phrases that evoked a very specific reaction from me.

Thank you for clarifying. I didn't understand that from your initial comment, and it completely changes how I would've reacted.

You know, while I was reading the Man. chapter, I had a lot of questions that the R chapter answers. However, by the time I got to the end of it and into the following chapter, I liked how it worked out. Getting answers to the questions I had in that manner was satisfying. The line about the room being "more pleasing to the eye than his robes" made me laugh. :-) It was a little planning heavy, but my bigger concern was that the planning seems like it might lead them back to where they came from. Granted, I hardly noticed this while I was reading. I was very caught up in all the descriptions. Good sense of wonder here. I did stumble a little bit in the part where R accidentally spilled the twin's secrets. I had a time hard following the dialogue, I have never had a hard time keeping track of the pronouns and what not, though I can see, to an extent, it being overwhelming if this is a readers first introduction to it. It was introduced in a much more gradual manner in Seeds. That would strip away so much of what I love about this book. And having it do that would assume the nether is working for only one specific type of reader and not the diverse world it lives in. Doing this would pretty much undermine the entire beautiful complex world the author created. Who said anything about genitals? That was kind of a big jump there. No one needs to know what anyone's genitals are unless they're planning on sleeping with each other, but people do need to respect other people's pronouns. It's not just about being pc. It's about showing people respect. And this book models something we need more of in real life.

Just to let you know, I just read 2, 3, and 4 all back to back and I'm left wanting to just read the rest of the book and not go chapter by chapter. I really enjoyed this one too and how it connected to the chapter that follows it. I felt like most of the other people in the group were just background except for M, G & K, and even with the other ones that spoke, I didn't know much about them and had a hard time keeping track of them. If you want one of them to be more significant, then you could spend a little more time on whichever character that is, but if none of them are important, then leave them as background. I was surprised by how easily the evil slug of doom was defeated. I was expecting more of a fight and maybe society casualties or injuries. However, in the end, I loved how M defeated them, but the pay off would've been better if it had taken more fight to get to that defeat.

Before I read everyone else's comments, I want to let you know that I really enjoyed this. I was highly engaged through most of it, and absolutely loved seeing Sam through I's eyes and then seeing I and E work together with the symphony. I got a little annoyed on the going to the wall then leaving it, but on the other hand, what happened there worked well. The only part I struggled with at all was maybe the first page or two. I got a little confused with who was saying what and had to re read just to double check I was on the right track. This has happened before. I think it just partially has to do with your dialogue style and is maybe my problem as a reader, not yours as a writer. I liked the nonbinary Ari. I think I especially liked them because they were nonbinary even though they were from a species and culture that had a binary understanding of gender. Having species that have more gender diversity is nice, but I don't connect to it like I do when I see nonbinary characters that come from more binary cultures. There was one typo I noticed: "There are simply to rare." Did you mean "They're or They are simply to rare?"

I was pretty engaged all the way through this chapter, though I did feel like it would help to have a tiny bit more description going from the house to the jail cell. I had a hard time keeping track of where everyone was. I agree with the others that just as the characters are finally making progress, just when things finally feel like they are really moving, they get caught, again. I'm excited to see neo pronouns, but I do have some feedback about how that was introduced here. p. 4 "As her squad went about confiscating their weapons, Corporal D... (according to her name patch) removed her tactical glasses. Q recalibrated his assessment of the NCO. Xe was short," What made Q recalibrate his assessment of xir? How did xir appearance tell him what xir pronouns were? And why did xe just automatically assume everybody else's gender? Just because people look like their assigned gender doesn't always mean they're cis and their pronouns are obvious based on their appearance. It's one thing for Q to automatically categorize most people into binary genders, but sometimes people who are not cis tend to be less inclined to make assumptions about genders. Nothing is universal, but it is something to think about when you go back to the scene where xe starts calling people gendered things like sir.

So I really like this chapter and am having trouble coming up with things to critique about it. I think it had a good balance of humor, action, and some seriousness. Death sparkles. Yes. That name is perfect. I admit, I rolled my eyes at the mention of Tom Brady and comebacks, but this is purely out of personal bias as a New Englander who does not like sports and after one aforementioned comeback got so sick of hearing about Tom Brady. I suppose people will still remember him in 80ish years. I had no clue who the other sports player was, but that was okay, because obviously Q didn't either. I loved the line about chivalry and distracting a beast while Eve put a slug in it. I loved that M got a shotgun. I found one typo: "...would betray than to any..." Re your note about it/he for the kid mirroring the droid: I picked up on that without seeing your note. The son was some kind of clone, right? Q is questioning whether or not that counts as human?

He did seem to come out of nowhere. That seems like something that should've been set up in one of E's POV chapters. Yeah. This chapter feels like, not a begining, exactly, but not quite what I'd expect when things could be getting wrapped up, either. Like if all the travel in-between was trimmed, and this came sooner, it would be great. Granted, I've been reading over a lot of weeks, and have taken a few breaks than played catch up, so it may just feel more stretched out to me than it actually is. I kind of the same way, but this was also making me think that Q's dad was locked in that room or cell or whatever that no one was allowed to open... Same. I've got kind of mixed feelings about this. The people being evacuated made me think that there would beasties in town. I didn't see the MTs alone as the device but more the start of a chain of events, and I think if they were a lot harder to defeat, then the death toll would be higher. I feel like either this is the right level of fight and they are in town, or if they are harder to take down, then maybe they shouldn't be so close to town. (assuming the level of fight was the same in the new version I read than the one you originally sent) I kept feeling like something was missing from the first meeting with Q & E. Maybe it was this. I got tripped up in this whole exchange between the two of them, because it was like he was telling her he wasn't straight and she wasn't getting it. It's also that kind of read-betweens-the-lines-metaphor-speak that I never get the first time I read it because I take things way too literally sometimes. After reading it a few times, I I was waiting for her to reply to his eating out metaphor with one of her own, especially since in an earlier chapter, I swear she said she said she was bi. But this could be WRS. I feel like having her reply in the same metaphor would've helped me make sure I "got it" too. It looks like you took this out of the version you sent me, which was a good choice. OK, so I guess I didn't really add anything new, but other people had already kind of said what I was going to. I liked this chapter, and liked that things are happening, and people are coming together.

I thought this was a great follow up to the action packed chapter that followed it, and had some good moments between Q & M, though M's outburst did almost seem a little out of nowhere. The reveal about mystery caller being Q's dad and not TOM makes me wonder if he is just impersonating TOM to Q or also to DM. The "Towards his son" line did confuse me. There hasn't really been much mention of Q's son actually being present anywhere near yellow knife. Regarding the moments between Q & M, there was one point where I was shaking my head at Q, thinking "you don't get it, buddy" which I am guessing is probably the exact reaction I should be having? It was cute. I think was when he thinking he wasn't worthy of being a parent figure in her life. I agree with Silk here. OK, this could help, because I completely forgot about the son being in YK.

I am very excited to be back in this word and find out what happens next, especially since the last book ended with such a cliff hanger. However, my overall reaction to this was that not much actually happened. It was characters standing around talking, trying to decide what to do, but it wasn't until the very end of the chapter that action was taken. I'm not entirely sure I needed to read a chapter of Sam and the twins warning the other facet and then arguing about whether to stay or not. I think focusing more on the Ari as @kais would definitely make this more engaging and give it a better purpose. Even having read both of the books that came before this, I still felt that paragraph was a bit dense. I feel like if I had finished the second book and picked this one up immediately the next day, I might not have had as big a problem with this chapter, but the only readers who will experience that are the ones who will start the series after the full thing is out. However, even just having taken a few months off, I was having a hard time getting into this chapter as it was. Some little bit of action, or just trimming the chapter and shifting the focus, might help. On a more technical note, I noticed there were a couple lapses into first person, and a line of two that sounded like it might have been dialogue but didn't have quotes. "Look at me, determining that the ruler of this..." Was this supposed to be dialogue? Or was this a lapse to first person? "As soon as I can, I'll ask her." Same here. I wasn't sure if this was a lapse to first person or if it was supposed to be part of the dialogue. I'm sorry I didn't have more positive things to say about this one, but I looking forward to the next chapter!

agree. There was a lot I didn't get about the police behavior in this scene.

I haven't read the other comments yet, except for the first line of a few. I love the imagery early in the chapter. In the eating scene, when Q kept thinking we need to go soon, I knew that any minute, all hell was about to break loose. i'm not sure if i completely misread the last chapter, but this was not what i was expecting k's next move to be. For some reason, I thought he was almost intentionally waiting to get closer to yellow knife to catch up with Q. Considering what that chapter said about someone corrupting images of Q & M, it seems like one of the sheriffs would've had to spot Q personally to realize he was there, and then, if K rwas thinking Q didn't kill those people, why go through all the drama with guns blazing? Something between didn't quite add up with the last chapter. When the mystery helper took over the E, it's voice seemed very different than the last times. I'm not sure if this is intentional or not. It was nice to have an action scene, but I did get confused in it, especially with the little bit of a flashback rolled in. And I don't understand what the point of shooting Q was. It really seemed off from what K had been like in his solo chapter. As I read: p. 2 "busy trying to kill M Ro and" Were there two R's? For some reason I thought they were both dead. Probably wrs. p. 10 "Quirk with the intention of serving xir" I'm for nonbinary characters and these kinds of pronouns, but this seems out of nowhere. Why does the one and so far, only character with a nonbinary pronoun have to be someone DM is trying to kill? Unless this is referring to a character from a previous book, maybe it not the best time to toss in a different pronoun. if you want to include a nonbinary character, make it one that actually is a character with a little depth, not some random target from a flash back that is there for less than half a page. P. 11 "clown clothes layers padded somewhat him against" This is where the blocking started to confuse me. Also, something is off about the syntax.

I was thinking I was finally going to be on time with crits and then I fell down the NaNoWriMo rabbit hole a few days before it technically started... So, my biggest complaint about this chapter was there seemed to be italics random places and I didn't understand why most of them were there. I did like getting little snippets of everyone, various pieces in the puzzle. I agree with @Mandamon that they are more about people moving to places, but I didn't really have a problem with it because it wasn't Q & M. I liked the sheriff POV, though I kind of wanted a little more, almost, to help me fully understand what was going on with the other sheriff's he was talking to. DM 's part raised more questions than it answered. It sort of clarified his motives -- the questions it raised were more about the OM, Q's backstory with his wife and son, and the mystery sealed level I have SO MANY THEORIES about that are all probably wrong. I liked the E chapter and the emotion in it. However, I was struggling with the geography a little. I couldn't quite picture her surroundings once she got into the town. I wasn't sure about the significance of where she was going and where that was in relation to everything else. I was completely oblivious to the flirting. I didn't know there was flirting until I read this comment. Granted, I do tend to be kind of slow to pick up on things like that IRL...but still... Overall, I was pretty engaged throughout, but I do feel like I'm missing something -- some connection that I hope to be getting soon.

Good to know. Thank you! I did three cons and handful of smaller events like author expos and craft fairs. I didn't do very good at any of them. At the last one I did, I think it had something to with placement because I was between two visual arts with very catchy art, and an author with books in the same genre as me, who was not surrounded by visual art work, did very well. My spouse keeps talking about bringing art work to some of the comic cons next year (not the one I'm paneling at because those are more literary), and I'm really hoping he actually does, not just to draw more people to the table but also because he's super talented when it comes to drawing and painting, but never really does anything with his work.

I am doing NaNoWriMo, and it is going to be chaos and grammatical anarchy because there isn't time for full stops and standard spelling when I have so much to write and so little time. There will be red lines all over my word doc. OK, but seriously, I keep having all these false starts for my Evanstar Chronicles 3 and I know NaNo is really the only way I'm going to make progress on this thing. That is awesome, but I'm glad I don't live there. Granted, in another month or two, the lake will be frozen and I'll spend three or four months feeling like I'm living in some frozen wasteland. Join me in nano-scale NaNo. 45 words in a month! 1.5 words a day! nano NaNo is better than no NaNo!! So, I have a question for those of you who do cons. Do you find that being on a panel draws more people to your table? Would you table at the same con two years in a row even if you were bringing mostly the same books? I'm asking because I was just accepted to panel at a con I tabled at last year. I initially wasn't going to table there again because last year I lost money. The tables themselves aren't super expensive ($70), but then add the con membership for me and whoever is helping, and parking, and it triples. However, if I'm going to be a program participant, I get a free membership. I have to pay for parking whether I get a table or not. The a table and membership for my spouse would come $120. Last year, at this con, my net sales were about $128. I'm trying to decide if it is worth it. I've published short stories in few new anthologies since then, but the sequel to my novel probably won't be out yet. It's scheduled for Feb. but I don't have edits yet, so I'm thinking it might get delayed. Last year, I sold more copies of anthologies and zines than I did of my novel. I'm thinking it might be worth it...it would be if I had someone to split a table with, but I don't really know other authors IRL well enough to do that.

After all the slow paced Q & M chapters, this one felt rushed. I was a little confused by the scene with E's lawyer. I felt like I was supposed to know who he was, but I didn't. WRS? Like @Mandamon, I didn't quite understand DMs plan. I'm guessing the VRs were a deception and the cgs were the real threat, but why wouldn't the vrs just kill the cgs as soon as they got there. After reading your responses, it looks like you've already revised / fixed some of the things I might have commented on. Sorry I'm so behind and only leaving minimal comments. Hopefully I'll get to next week's in a more timely manner.

Something like this. The two finally connecting seemed anticlimactic. I think this is the first time she has done it in this book. I had flagged it as a typo too. Overall, I won't say a whole lot because it looks like you already revised or are planning to revise a lot. I wasn't a fan of how Q was judging women by their appearances in this one. I liked the way the politics were woven in, though WRS had be kind of half forgetting about them. I liked the news feed in general. Q did seem to take a little more action in the diner. Had a little more agency. But I do want something to happen soon.

So I just finished reading this...almost a month after you sent it. Oddly enough, I liked it. However, it's been a few weeks since I read the other chapters, so perhaps I was as disconnected as the chapter. I found myself not minding that nothing happened aside from nice imagery punctuated by M swearing. I might have felt different had I not had such a big break in reading. The comments the others made make sense in hindsight, but they weren't what was going through my head when I was reading. On to 13...

Congratulations!!!

Content Warning: Violence (fight: kid versus ghost) Hi Everyone, I know I'm not going to really have time to look at this tomorrow, so I'm sending it now. The things M says when talking to the kids will seem like they come out of nowhere, but were set up in a newer revised version of that chapter that had the book cyclone that you haven't read. I'm open to whatever feedback you offer, though I am curious if you can picture where things are and/or follow the action. I'm sure there are typos because my brain and eyes are more tired than usual. Don't worry about finding or marking those. I know I'm behind on subs, so I won't be offended if you skip this one. Thanks! Sara Last time: Ch. 1-2: E's mom gets turned into a mannequin in an antique shop. A haunted doll helps E's and the shop dog escape the same fate. Ch. 3-4: E gathers supplies from Junk Junction and does research in a library. Then they venture out to find food and a psychic. They meet D, a 13-year-old psychic whose mom is missing. They think D's mom's disappears is related to E's mom and Mx.R getting turned into mannequins. Ch. 5-6: E & D do research in D's mom's office. D tells E more about the circumstances surrounding her mom's disappearance. In the morning, the two kids return to the shop, only to find the mannequins gone and the phrase "come find me" spelled out with teacups. Ch. 7: E & D return to Junk Junction, only to find the mannequins missing along with an assortment of other items. They go to D's house, and find some of the missing items are there along with another message from M. Ch. 8-9: E & D get back to the office safe. A makes a mess throwing books around and finds an journal that leads them to believe M is trying to come back to life as something more powerful than a human. E learns how to more clearly sense ghosts and their energy. The next morning, E, D, and A leave for the mill. On the way, they discover a river full of bones presumably stolen from their graves by M in an attempt to find A's bones. Chapter 10: The group gets to the mill. A disappears. The moms aren't there. E and D are ambushed by a group of mannequins that M is controlling like puppets. They defeat the mannequins and escape. Ch. 11: The kids hideout in the woods. We learn that M isn't 100% evil and that A was absent from the fight because he was caught in a memory loop. Kids camp out in a barn (this may get cut) and learn ghosts can't cross poison ivy unless they are in an object. Ch. 12: E, D, and A go to the house that M lived in when she was alive. She is angry. Objects go flying. M makes the kids fall through a floor to a basement where they fight off a possessed Santa decoration.