Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

It hasn’t been quite 24 hours, but I’m busy later so here are the results! The winners are @SirWolfe as Sigzil and @Truthless of Shinovar as Waxillium Ladrain. Well fought @The_Truthwatcher and @Toaster Retribution and thanks for participating.

The next round is going to be everyone left, so @Lunamor as Wayne, @Matrim's Dice as Dalinar, @DramaQueen as Spook, @Fezzik as Taln. Your roasts will be due Saturday!

Edited July 22, 2020 by Ghanderflaffle
Fixing my mentions

[Mat he/him]

Hmm, I’m back home Saturday. I’ll do as much as I can on mobile before that but don’t expect it until then 

[Truthless of Shinovar he/him]

Congratulations @SirWolfe! @The_Truthwatcher and @Toaster Retribution those were some great roasts!

[Toaster Retribution he/him]

Congrats @SirWolfe and @Truthless of Shinovar! You are worthy winners.

Well fought you too, @The_Truthwatcher!

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

6 hours ago, Matrim's Dice said:

Hmm, I’m back home Saturday. I’ll do as much as I can on mobile before that but don’t expect it until then 

Sounds good, I tried to give you as much time as I could. 

(I'm going to do this just to make sure they got it since I added them in the edit @DramaQueen @Fezzik)

[DramaQueen she/he/neopronouns]

2 hours ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

Sounds good, I tried to give you as much time as I could. 

(I'm going to do this just to make sure they got it since I added them in the edit @DramaQueen @Fezzik)

Got it! Thank you!

[DramaQueen she/he/neopronouns]

Ok, so I realize that I am submitting this way early, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to tomorrow, so here it is!

Spoiler

*Spook arrives, looking around unimpressed*

Wasing of the hearing of the doing of the battle.

Knowing of the happening of meaningless prattle.

Notting of the wanting of ruining the day--

Oh, I forgot, you don’t understand what I say.

You don’t speak High Imperial, the language of the rich.

I started this trend, and it went without a hitch.

 

*Turns towards Wayne, a pitying look on his face*

Wayne, you’re a good fellow, with your clever disguises,

Makes sense you’d want to hide your face when the opportunity arises.

You have many skills, your speed bubbles and--what else?

You can’t hold a gun, when you try, your resolve melts.

Dueling canes are fine, but not up against a gun.

Luckily, your healing powers help you to run. *said in a tone that implies that Wayne is a coward and runs from battles*

Like I said, a good fellow, but your biggest flaw lies

In your head, in the space in-between your eyes.

 

*Looks to Dalinar, disappointed*

Dalinar Kholin, the Blackthorn, the Bondsmith.

I’ve heard of you, some of your people call you their monolith.

With the Codes of War and Way of Kings, you’re searching for a cause.

You’re not the hero that they think you are, you’re just covering your flaws.

Too trusting, too loyal, no diplomat, a fraud.

You listen to the whispers of the people, not your god.

You always have to be the leader, all the power is your claim,

My followers chose me, I’m the Survivor of the Flames.

 

*Turns and smiles towards Taln, a look of compassion*

Talenelat'Elin, a man who understands me.

We’ve both been to hell and back, though I will agree

You’ve experienced it endlessly, you fight, die, and return,

I’m sure you expected that you’d someday crash and burn.

That day has arrived, you continue to warn them

Of the True Desolation, but they treat you like crem.

No one pays attention, for you are truly quite insane.

I’m the survivor, you the victim, of the greedy, hellish flames.

 

So you see, I am certain of my imminent victory.

I know each and every one of you will be contradictory.

But the evidence shows, and it never deceives me,

After the elimination, this battle only leaves me.

I hate to break it to you, after all you’ve done.

Spook, Survivor of the Flames is second to none.

Good luck, @Lunamor, @Fezzik, and @Matrim's Dice!!! May the best roast win!

Edited July 23, 2020 by DramaQueen

[Mat he/him]

17 minutes ago, DramaQueen said:

Ok, so I realize that I am submitting this way early, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to tomorrow, so here it is!

  Reveal hidden contents

*Spook arrives, looking around unimpressed*

Wasing of the hearing of the doing of the battle.

Knowing of the happening of meaningless prattle.

Notting of the wanting of ruining the day--

Oh, I forgot, you don’t understand what I say.

You don’t speak High Imperial, the language of the rich.

I started this trend, and it went without a hitch.

 

*Turns towards Wayne, a pitying look on his face*

 

Wayne, you’re a good fellow, with your clever disguises,

Makes sense you’d want to hide your face when the opportunity arises.

You have many skills, your speed bubbles and--what else?

You can’t hold a gun, when you try, your resolve melts.

Dueling canes are fine, but not up against a gun.

Luckily, your healing powers help you to run. *said in a tone that implies that Wayne is a coward and runs from battles*

Like I said, a good fellow, but your biggest flaw lies

In your head, in the space in-between your eyes.

 

*Looks to Dalinar, disappointed*

Dalinar Kholin, the Blackthorn, the Bondsmith.

I’ve heard of you, some of your people call you their monolith.

With the Codes of War and Way of Kings, you’re searching for a cause.

You’re not the hero that they think you are, you’re just covering your flaws.

Too trusting, too loyal, no diplomat, a fraud.

You listen to the whispers of the people, not your god.

You always have to be the leader, all the power is your claim,

My followers chose me, I’m the Survivor of the Flames.

 

*Turns and smiles towards Taln, a look of compassion*

Talenelat'Elin, a man who understands me.

We’ve both been to hell and back, though I will agree

You’ve experienced it endlessly, you fight, die, and return,

I’m sure you expected that you’d someday crash and burn.

That day has arrived, you continue to warn them

Of the True Desolation, but they treat you like crem.

No one pays attention, for you are truly quite insane.

I’m the survivor, you the victim, of the greedy, hellish flames.

 

So you see, I am certain of my imminent victory.

I know each and every one of you will be contradictory.

But the evidence shows, and it never deceives me,

After the elimination, this battle only leaves me.

I hate to break it to you, after all you’ve done.

Spook, Survivor of the Flames is second to none.

Good luck, @Lunamor, @Fezzik, and @Matrim's Dice!!! May the best roast win!

Dang that was good. Heavy competition! *cracks knuckles*

[Lunamor she/her]

49 minutes ago, DramaQueen said:

Ok, so I realize that I am submitting this way early, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to tomorrow, so here it is!

  Hide contents

*Spook arrives, looking around unimpressed*

Wasing of the hearing of the doing of the battle.

Knowing of the happening of meaningless prattle.

Notting of the wanting of ruining the day--

Oh, I forgot, you don’t understand what I say.

You don’t speak High Imperial, the language of the rich.

I started this trend, and it went without a hitch.

 

*Turns towards Wayne, a pitying look on his face*

 

Wayne, you’re a good fellow, with your clever disguises,

Makes sense you’d want to hide your face when the opportunity arises.

You have many skills, your speed bubbles and--what else?

You can’t hold a gun, when you try, your resolve melts.

Dueling canes are fine, but not up against a gun.

Luckily, your healing powers help you to run. *said in a tone that implies that Wayne is a coward and runs from battles*

Like I said, a good fellow, but your biggest flaw lies

In your head, in the space in-between your eyes.

 

*Looks to Dalinar, disappointed*

Dalinar Kholin, the Blackthorn, the Bondsmith.

I’ve heard of you, some of your people call you their monolith.

With the Codes of War and Way of Kings, you’re searching for a cause.

You’re not the hero that they think you are, you’re just covering your flaws.

Too trusting, too loyal, no diplomat, a fraud.

You listen to the whispers of the people, not your god.

You always have to be the leader, all the power is your claim,

My followers chose me, I’m the Survivor of the Flames.

 

*Turns and smiles towards Taln, a look of compassion*

Talenelat'Elin, a man who understands me.

We’ve both been to hell and back, though I will agree

You’ve experienced it endlessly, you fight, die, and return,

I’m sure you expected that you’d someday crash and burn.

That day has arrived, you continue to warn them

Of the True Desolation, but they treat you like crem.

No one pays attention, for you are truly quite insane.

I’m the survivor, you the victim, of the greedy, hellish flames.

 

So you see, I am certain of my imminent victory.

I know each and every one of you will be contradictory.

But the evidence shows, and it never deceives me,

After the elimination, this battle only leaves me.

I hate to break it to you, after all you’ve done.

Spook, Survivor of the Flames is second to none.

Good luck, @Lunamor, @Fezzik, and @Matrim's Dice!!! May the best roast win!

That was storming amazing, especially the High Imperial intro!!! The rhythm is perfect! 

[Channelknight Fadran]

22 hours ago, DramaQueen said:

Ok, so I realize that I am submitting this way early, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to tomorrow, so here it is!

  Reveal hidden contents

*Spook arrives, looking around unimpressed*

Wasing of the hearing of the doing of the battle.

Knowing of the happening of meaningless prattle.

Notting of the wanting of ruining the day--

Oh, I forgot, you don’t understand what I say.

You don’t speak High Imperial, the language of the rich.

I started this trend, and it went without a hitch.

 

*Turns towards Wayne, a pitying look on his face*

Wayne, you’re a good fellow, with your clever disguises,

Makes sense you’d want to hide your face when the opportunity arises.

You have many skills, your speed bubbles and--what else?

You can’t hold a gun, when you try, your resolve melts.

Dueling canes are fine, but not up against a gun.

Luckily, your healing powers help you to run. *said in a tone that implies that Wayne is a coward and runs from battles*

Like I said, a good fellow, but your biggest flaw lies

In your head, in the space in-between your eyes.

 

*Looks to Dalinar, disappointed*

Dalinar Kholin, the Blackthorn, the Bondsmith.

I’ve heard of you, some of your people call you their monolith.

With the Codes of War and Way of Kings, you’re searching for a cause.

You’re not the hero that they think you are, you’re just covering your flaws.

Too trusting, too loyal, no diplomat, a fraud.

You listen to the whispers of the people, not your god.

You always have to be the leader, all the power is your claim,

My followers chose me, I’m the Survivor of the Flames.

 

*Turns and smiles towards Taln, a look of compassion*

Talenelat'Elin, a man who understands me.

We’ve both been to hell and back, though I will agree

You’ve experienced it endlessly, you fight, die, and return,

I’m sure you expected that you’d someday crash and burn.

That day has arrived, you continue to warn them

Of the True Desolation, but they treat you like crem.

No one pays attention, for you are truly quite insane.

I’m the survivor, you the victim, of the greedy, hellish flames.

 

So you see, I am certain of my imminent victory.

I know each and every one of you will be contradictory.

But the evidence shows, and it never deceives me,

After the elimination, this battle only leaves me.

I hate to break it to you, after all you’ve done.

Spook, Survivor of the Flames is second to none.

Good luck, @Lunamor, @Fezzik, and @Matrim's Dice!!! May the best roast win!

Wow.

That was ART.

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

I need to push back the due date to tomorrow instead because I won’t be around today. Hope everyone gets it in! @Lunamor @Fezzik @Matrim's Dice

[Mat he/him]

Ok, here’s mine, written entirely on mobile 

@DramaQueen @Fezzik @Lunamor

Spoiler

*Dalinar calmly strides to the mic, hands in the pockets of his military coat, and clears his throat. Adolin and Renarin begin to lay down a beat in the background.*

I am Dalinar Kholin, a name you should know.

For I saved Alethkar, both now and years ago.

If you will stop and listen to some middle-age thoughts,

I’ll tell you all my feats and show you all your faults.

 

In my early years I was the best warlord,

A considerable foe about to break the world.

I was smart, however, and controlled those urges,

Saving the nations and eventually gaining some surges.

 

Did you hear about the time when I bonded the storm?

A splinter of a god that has taken human form.

The Stormfather and I make a Bondsmith,

The rare Radiant order that you don’t want to mess with.

 

I’ve used powers that you all can’t even dream of,

Bonding and creating things that you all can’t even think of.

The Battle if Thaylen Field? I am Unity!

Saving Roshar with Honor’s perpendicularity.

 

But enough about me, The Blackthorn, Bondsmith,

It’s time to get real and prove your ‘feats’ to be myths.

 

 

Wayne! A Roughs man, jokester boy

An irresponsible twinborn with too many toys.

Your successes are many but the truth does sing

That Waxillium Ladrian completed nearly everything.

 

Your skillset is petty; Disguises?  Clever words?

I’ve conquered whole nations with my knowledge and sword.

And while I did repent of my many stark deeds,

You crashed Wax’s wedding with water and glee.

 

Don’t get me started on you and MeLaan.

How does that even work? I’m not a fan.

You two were messing around when the train car was attacked,

Failing your friends yet again, and that’s a fact.

 

Remember that man you killed for nothing?

His memory stings, you can’t shoot for anything.

I know you give to his daughters, they’re what’s left of your fight,

But they don’t forgive you and only accept out of spite.

 

Wayne, man, you’re truly a mess.

So sit back on the sidelines and leave hero work to the best.

 

 

Talenelat’Elin! The Stoneward patron- To be honest, I expected more.

Where is the glory? Where is the power? I see only a closed door.

The door locks you in, it closes your mind, and reveals who you are inside:

A rambling madman, a useless soldier, a Herald who failed mankind.

 

Amaram captures you, and what did you do?

Ramble about casting bronze. No one even knew!-

What you were talking about, then, now, and ever,

Considering your skill, maybe failure was better.

 

You were alone even before your mental declination,

The tenth wheel among the Heralds before the first desolation.

While they all were Kings, Rulers, and Lords

You were a pheasant, not meant to sing their chords.

 

I faced down Odium, Hatred himself.

And rebuffed his onslaughts to send him off the shelf.

You instead broke to a bunch of parshmen

And now are incapable to fight in the war that won’t end.

 

Taln, sir, maybe once you were great.

But now when it matters failing mankind is your fate.

 

 

Spook, Lestibournes, whatever your name is,

Your father Jedal would be ashamed of your choices.

Your personality fluxes, first an incompetent lad,

Who spoke in strange dialects like it was some fad.

 

Then becoming ‘macho’, you changed to and fro,

Flaring Tin because you thought your usefulness would grow.

A stupid decision, damaging your sight, touch and hearing,

Only repaired because your god friend had a pitiful feeling.

 

You went after Vin. We’re you really serious?

You had to have known Cupid would be furious.

Vin went with Elend, a pairing that makes sense,

His brains are far more than your incompetence 

 

You got yourself captured by Quellion, why?

You were flirting with Beldre. I’d rather die.

Then you promptly went and got spiked,

Your ignorance allowing Ruin into your life.

 

Spook, boy, I know more about war than you can say.

Enough to know you should’ve stayed away

 

*Dalinar steps from the mic, silencing his sons. He reconsiders before walking away, and returns to the microphone.*

 

Closing arguments time, I feel I need to say,

My rudeness today is not my normal way.

But as a soldier I know that faults must be pointed out,

And you three have too many to even start to talk about.

 

Wayne, a prankster? Nah, he’s more of a stankster

Taln, a god? He closer resembles ground trod.

Spook, the Survivor of the Flame? More like the emitter of the lame.

As for myself, all I can say, is that I still outshine all of you on my worst day.

 

*Dalinar turns from the mic for the second time, appearing more satisfied then he was after his first step away. He turns his back to the thundering applause and walks off, the clear winner of yet another fight.*

Whew. I didn’t expect that to be so hard.  Enjoy!

Edited July 25, 2020 by Matrim's Dice

[DramaQueen she/he/neopronouns]

15 hours ago, Matrim's Dice said:

Ok, here’s mine, written entirely on mobile 

@DramaQueen @Fezzik @Lunamor

  Hide contents

*Dalinar calmly strides to the mic, hands in the pockets of his military coat, and clears his throat. Adolin and Renarin begin to lay down a beat in the background.*

I am Dalinar Kholin, a name you should know.

For I saved Alethkar, both now and years ago.

If you will stop and listen to some middle-age thoughts,

I’ll tell you all my feats and show you all your faults.

 

In my early years I was the best warlord,

A considerable foe about to break the world.

I was smart, however, and controlled those urges,

Saving the nations and eventually gaining some surges.

 

Did you hear about the time when I bonded the storm?

A splinter of a god that has taken human form.

The Stormfather and I make a Bondsmith,

The rare Radiant order that you don’t want to mess with.

 

I’ve used powers that you all can’t even dream of,

Bonding and creating things that you all can’t even think of.

The Battle if Thaylen Field? I am Unity!

Saving Roshar with Honor’s perpendicularity.

 

But enough about me, The Blackthorn, Bondsmith,

It’s time to get real and prove your ‘feats’ to be myths.

 

 

Wayne! A Roughs man, jokester boy

An irresponsible twinborn with too many toys.

Your successes are many but the truth does sing

That Waxillium Ladrian completed nearly everything.

 

Your skillset is petty; Disguises?  Clever words?

I’ve conquered whole nations with my knowledge and sword.

And while I did repent of my many stark deeds,

You crashed Wax’s wedding with water and glee.

 

Don’t get me started on you and MeLaan.

How does that even work? I’m not a fan.

You two were messing around when the train car was attacked,

Failing your friends yet again, and that’s a fact.

 

Remember that man you killed for nothing?

His memory stings, you can’t shoot for anything.

I know you give to his daughters, they’re what’s left of your fight,

But they don’t forgive you and only accept out of spite.

 

Wayne, man, you’re truly a mess.

So sit back on the sidelines and leave hero work to the best.

 

 

Talenelat’Elin! The Stoneward patron- To be honest, I expected more.

Where is the glory? Where is the power? I see only a closed door.

The door locks you in, it closes your mind, and reveals who you are inside:

A rambling madman, a useless soldier, a Herald who failed mankind.

 

Amaram captures you, and what did you do?

Ramble about casting bronze. No one even knew!-

What you were talking about, then, now, and ever,

Considering your skill, maybe failure was better.

 

You were alone even before your mental declination,

The tenth wheel among the Heralds before the first desolation.

While they all were Kings, Rulers, and Lords

You were a pheasant, not meant to sing their chords.

 

I faced down Odium, Hatred himself.

And rebuffed his onslaughts to send him off the shelf.

You instead broke to a bunch of parshmen

And now are incapable to fight in the war that won’t end.

 

Taln, sir, maybe once you were great.

But now when it matters failing mankind is your fate.

 

 

Spook, Lestibournes, whatever your name is,

Your father Jedal would be ashamed of your choices.

Your personality fluxes, first an incompetent lad,

Who spoke in strange dialects like it was some fad.

 

Then becoming ‘macho’, you changed to and fro,

Flaring Tin because you thought your usefulness would grow.

A stupid decision, damaging your sight, touch and hearing,

Only repaired because your god friend had a pitiful feeling.

 

You went after Vin. We’re you really serious?

You had to have known Cupid would be furious.

Vin went with Elend, a pairing that makes sense,

His brains are far more than your incompetence 

 

You got yourself captured by Quellion, why?

You were flirting with Beldre. I’d rather die.

Then you promptly went and got spiked,

Your ignorance allowing Ruin into your life.

 

Spook, boy, I know more about war than you can say.

Enough to know you should’ve stayed away

 

*Dalinar steps from the mic, silencing his sons. He reconsiders before walking away, and returns to the microphone.*

 

Closing arguments time, I feel I need to say,

My rudeness today is not my normal way.

But as a soldier I know that faults must be pointed out,

And you three have too many to even start to talk about.

 

Wayne, a prankster? Nah, he’s more of a stankster

Taln, a god? He closer resembles ground trod.

Spook, the Survivor of the Flame? More like the emitter of the lame.

As for myself, all I can say, is that I still outshine all of you on my worst day.

 

*Dalinar turns from the mic for the second time, appearing more satisfied then he was after his first step away. He turns his back to the thundering applause and walks off, the clear winner of yet another fight.*

Whew. I didn’t expect that to be so hard.  Enjoy!

Ok, um, wow. That was incredible and held some great roasts.

Hopefully mine will still get some votes.

Yours may be longer, but let me just say,

Spook is still the clear victor today.

[Fezzik]

So, a word of warning before my roast. I have been reading WoK prime, where Taln suffers from flashbacks and hallucinations of his time on Braize, and so some of that made its way through.

Quote

I'm the herald Talenelat'elin
Upholding the Oathpact is where I've been
If this is who I've got for preparation,
We won't be surviving this Desolation
You waste time roasting me instead of these-
The voidbringers? I'm called Bearer of Agonies
Your roasts are nothing I haven't heard for years,
Odium himself whispering in my ears
Go ahead if you think you might win you
Probably won't though, 'cause I'm Stonesinew
Wayne-
I add two and two
Receive only pain
When I'm through with you
Nothing will remain
Killed a man for spheres
Just a common thief
I endured for years to prevent such grief
You disguise your voice
Still you're stealing things
So my words are choice
How your failure rings
Through Damnation's hall
When your guts are goo
No escape 'cause I'll
Rust and Ruin you
What torture is this?
They cut me again
The spirits of flaying
Flesh and skin!
Spook-
When Duty called, where were you?
Your city cried under siege
Luthadel needed you
You ran away unheeded
Abandoned friends, your mentor
Clubs died alone, as I did
I held the line, my last breath
Can never overlook cowardice
They pursue me with knives,
Tearing organs from my body
Eating away my bones
With my own gastric acid
Their rough fingers digging
Through my eye sockets
Dalinar-
The rope-it burns
Who so e'er
Does declare
That his heir
Take the chair
My stomach churns
Abdicates
In his place
Saving face
Organs in urns
Breaking oaths
Madness calls
Torturer learns
With Evi's voice
The fire still burns
I am Talenel. The time of the return...
*Fades into muttering his mantra.*

 

[Lunamor she/her]

@Fezzik and @Matrim's Dice, both of your roasts are awesome too!

I had to channel quite a bit of Wayne for this one  Italicization galore!

Spoiler

Wayne strides onto the stage and dons his rapping cap. For reasons best left unexplained, this happens to be a bear skin cap. His speech becomes far more eloquent and rhyming becomes second nature. He also gains a snazzy British accent.

 

Oy, my name is Wayne,

I’m gonna bring the pain.

How do you do?

By the end of this, 

you’ll be fit to live in a zoo!

Sitting in your own... well, you know.

 

Why hello there Dalinar,

or is it Mr. Char?

Ouch, have I struck a nerve?

Instead should I speak of Lift’s animosity 

towards your buttock’s curve?

All can agree it’s an atrocity.

 

You are a self described animal,

Rathalas was oh so flammable.

You killed your wife 

(and thousands more) 

cause you got mad?

I thought taking that father’s life

(an accident I pay for) 

was rusting bad!

 

You never paid attention 

to young Renarin,

(Much to Evi’s dissension)

but when he became a Radiant, boom!

You jumped back in!

Your “fatherhood” is just a costume.

To claim your son was a priority

makes adding two and two to get a pickle 

the most logical authority!

A coin for each of your familial crimes would fetch me a fortune in nickels!

 

*Waynes trades a paperclip for Dalinar’s self-respect and moves on*

 

Hello there my dear Spook!

Rejected by sweet Vin 

on account of being a kook,

You can burn Tin,

see a bit better?

I can manipulate time, heal with gold- I’m a trend setter!

 

You speak in Eastern Street slang?

Oh, wow, how cool, dang.

I can speak in any manner I choose,

can copy whoever I want (and trade for their shoes!)

 

Remember when good ol’ Kelsier died?

‘Twas ‘cause he had to rescue ya

while you were simply petrified!

The great hero, the hope, the outlaw

of the city of Luthadel,

without you, wouldn’t have been stuck 

in that torturous well!

Your reputation is filled with muck.

 

*Wayne trades a rubber band for Spook’s dignity and skips away*

 

Taln, everyone’s favorite buddy!

Your case is an interesting study.

You seem to have quite terrible friends,

I can’t say the same-

for me, my friends’ll go to any ends!

Yours are just lame.

 

You are naught but a madman,

your head an empty tin can.

I might be a bit crazy,

But I know how to speak 

more than just a chant-

my mind’s not that hazy!

I’m so smart you’d freak!

Your brain just needs a transplant.

 

Every other Herald so mighty,

was a King, a scholar,

or close with the Almighty,

while you were living in squalor!

You weren’t supposed to be there,

do you even know how to use silverware?

 

*Wayne trades a tissue for Taln’s respectability, giving him a bop on the nose*

 

Yes I’m Wayne,

evil-doers’ bane,

the best of you all.

I’m strange, sure,

but I’m one powerful oddball!

This plenty a villain can assure.

 

I’m not just a Twinborn,

I can use my tongue of knives

to trade your worthless lives

for a rustin’ unicorn!

(Although a loud snore 

would fetch me much more)

 

*Wayne trades his hat for the microphone, drops it, then cartwheels away*

 

[Mat he/him]

9 hours ago, Fezzik said:

So, a word of warning before my roast. I have been reading WoK prime, where Taln suffers from flashbacks and hallucinations of his time on Braize, and so some of that made its way through.

 

 

8 hours ago, Lunamor said:

@Fezzik and @Matrim's Dice, both of your roasts are awesome too!

I had to channel quite a bit of Wayne for this one  Italicization galore!

  Reveal hidden contents

Wayne strides onto the stage and dons his rapping cap. For reasons best left unexplained, this happens to be a bear skin cap. His speech becomes far more eloquent and rhyming becomes second nature. He also gains a snazzy British accent.

 

Oy, my name is Wayne,

I’m gonna bring the pain.

How do you do?

By the end of this, 

you’ll be fit to live in a zoo!

Sitting in your own... well, you know.

 

Why hello there Dalinar,

or is it Mr. Char?

Ouch, have I struck a nerve?

Instead should I speak of Lift’s animosity 

towards your buttock’s curve?

All can agree it’s an atrocity.

 

You are a self described animal,

Rathalas was oh so flammable.

You killed your wife 

(and thousands more) 

cause you got mad?

I thought taking that father’s life

(an accident I pay for) 

was rusting bad!

 

You never paid attention 

to young Renarin,

(Much to Evi’s dissension)

but when he became a Radiant, boom!

You jumped back in!

Your “fatherhood” is just a costume.

To claim your son was a priority

makes adding two and two to get a pickle 

the most logical authority!

A coin for each of your familial crimes would fetch me a fortune in nickels!

 

*Waynes trades a paperclip for Dalinar’s self-respect and moves on*

 

Hello there my dear Spook!

Rejected by sweet Vin 

on account of being a kook,

You can burn Tin,

see a bit better?

I can manipulate time, heal with gold- I’m a trend setter!

 

You speak in Eastern Street slang?

Oh, wow, how cool, dang.

I can speak in any manner I choose,

can copy whoever I want (and trade for their shoes!)

 

Remember when good ol’ Kelsier died?

‘Twas ‘cause he had to rescue ya

while you were simply petrified!

The great hero, the hope, the outlaw

of the city of Luthadel,

without you, wouldn’t have been stuck 

in that torturous well!

Your reputation is filled with muck.

 

*Wayne trades a rubber band for Spook’s dignity and skips away*

 

Taln, everyone’s favorite buddy!

Your case is an interesting study.

You seem to have quite terrible friends,

I can’t say the same-

for me, my friends’ll go to any ends!

Yours are just lame.

 

You are naught but a madman,

your head an empty tin can.

I might be a bit crazy,

But I know how to speak 

more than just a chant-

my mind’s not that hazy!

I’m so smart you’d freak!

Your brain just needs a transplant.

 

Every other Herald so mighty,

was a King, a scholar,

or close with the Almighty,

while you were living in squalor!

You weren’t supposed to be there,

do you even know how to use silverware?

 

*Wayne trades a tissue for Taln’s respectability, giving him a bop on the nose*

 

Yes I’m Wayne,

evil-doers’ bane,

the best of you all.

I’m strange, sure,

but I’m one powerful oddball!

This plenty a villain can assure.

 

I’m not just a Twinborn,

I can use my tongue of knives

to trade your worthless lives

for a rustin’ unicorn!

(Although a loud snore 

would fetch me much more)

 

*Wayne trades his hat for the microphone, drops it, then cartwheels away*

 

Both excellent! Applause! Applause! This is close, good luck to all! ( @Ghanderflaffle we've all posted now )

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

Well done all of you! Sorry I didn’t check in sooner, after I read the first chapter of RoW last night I decided it was necessary for me to reread WoK (Sanderfans, am I right?) Here is the poll, I will post results tomorrow night sometime.

[Hen she/her]

Can I vote for all of them please? 

[Lunamor she/her]

3 minutes ago, Hentient said:

Can I vote for all of them please? 

Four way tie!!! Four way tie!!! Four way tie!!!

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

15 minutes ago, Lunamor said:

Four way tie!!! Four way tie!!! Four way tie!!!

All of you, mini roasts, now! 

Also, if anyone who has already voted could vote again please do, I had another technical difficulty.

Edited July 26, 2020 by Ghanderflaffle

[Mat he/him]

Spoiler

 

*Dalinar takes Ghander's request seriously when it was most certainly not meant to be*

Don't want to boast

But I am the most

And you three are not

So there is a thought.

Yeah.

 

 

[Channelknight Fadran]

1 hour ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

Well done all of you! Sorry I didn’t check in sooner, after I read the first chapter of RoW last night I decided it was necessary for me to reread WoK (Sanderfans, am I right?) Here is the poll, I will post results tomorrow night sometime.

*sigh* notting the bright of knowing nips choosing have.

[Fezzik]

Spoiler

Rosharans rock, 

Scadrial sucks!

 

[Mat he/him]

Just now, Fezzik said:

  Reveal hidden contents

Rosharans rock, 

Scadrial sucks!

 

Dalinar can agree.

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

1 hour ago, Fezzik said:

  Hide contents

Rosharans rock, 

Scadrial sucks!

 

Scadrial needed you in the last tournament.