Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

Nice roast @Hentient!

1 hour ago, Hentient said:

Phew, here we go. I hate being mean

Tezim has no such problem.

Tezim the Great, Ishi'Elin, Ishar, the Herald of Heralds, the Binder of Gods descends to the open air stage high atop the tower city of Urithiru in the center of a column of light.

Spoiler

Tezim the great, the last and the first man.
The Herald of Heralds, the man with the true plan.

Stands before you in glory so grovel you worms-
The fires of Damnation ain't as bad as his burns.

Raise up your heads if you can stand his brilliance
Next to him these suckers got just a pittance

Of power or charm, the fools got no direction
His is the power of the God Connection.

You're so dim that you need reminding
The Heralds would be nothin' without his binding

All you glowing little knights are full of hot air
If you break your oaths, you know Ishi'll be there.

Though it's beneath his majesty he'll address the spren
It's Pattern the cryptic, or did someone drop a pen?

You're just a liespren, you fractal faced scum
Pretty sweet how you helped a little girl stab her mum.

A radiant spren should help their knight, right?
Help like yours is worse than a snake bite

Which of your Radiants should Tezim address
After your help that poor girl is a mess.

You're an incarnation of Mathematics?
Fool, Ishar's the master of all Realmatics.

Tezim is done with pattern, he ain't no hero
Even Channa wouldn't divide with that lame zero

Ishi can see two of you still standing
He'll take you down, cuz he's so commanding

Here he is, the Selish puppetmaster
Put a vegetable on the throne to avoid disaster

Goatona, what's your power - Oh you're so attentive
You stand so straight cuz you're anal retentive.

You Shai away from problems cuz you're just no fun,
You claim to hate Forgery but it got the job done.

You and your Emperor have got no soul
But Tezim is a God and he's in control.

Tashi the great sees but one before him
The outcome is certain, cuz the people adore him.

Rock they call you, not that other long name
Your chull dung stew is your claim to fame

"Ha!", you say as you slap their back
Then hide behind your kettle when it's time to attack

You got some power, like super tough teeth
Bet those come in handy when you're eatin' your beef .
(its overcooked fool)

You can fire a bow cuz that's a third son thing-
Your'e the Nuotoma now, the hill-billy king

You're a dun sphere son, you ain't no gem
Instead of Rock they should call you Crem

So clap your hands for Roshar's new master
The one with the plan to avoid disaster

Whenn Ishi claps his hands he brings realms together
He's the only one who can stop the Odious weather.

All you squatters hanging out in the God Priest's tower
Better pack your bags before you feel his power

He's Ishi'Elin, he's the Oathpact's founder
All you other fools do is just flail and flounder

He's got the power to bind in his righteous hands
And he's gonna break then bind these broken lands

 

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

Those look good so far! I forgot to add in my last post, but if anyone not in the current tournament would like to be put on a waiting list for the next one let me know!

[DramaQueen she/he/neopronouns]

On 7/12/2020 at 2:07 AM, hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

I meant to tag you earlier, I think you'd be great at this too @RadiantDramaQueen.

I hope so, seeing as how I'm signed up as Spook!

[+Sorana she/her]

23 hours ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

Your roasts are due on Wednesday, July 14. If that doesn’t work for you let me know, good luck to everyone!

Isn't wednesday the 15th? I hopefully have my pieces sorted out by wednesday, but tomorrow I can't promise.

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

2 hours ago, RadiantDramaQueen said:

I hope so, seeing as how I'm signed up as Spook!

Doh! No wonder I thought you'd be great at this.

Go spook!

Can't wait to read your Roasts @Sorana and @Gears!

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

1 hour ago, Sorana said:

Isn't wednesday the 15th? I hopefully have my pieces sorted out by wednesday, but tomorrow I can't promise.

You're right. I had my dates mixed up.

[Hen she/her]

37 minutes ago, hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

Can't wait to read your Roasts @Sorana and @Gears!

Me too! 

[+Sorana she/her]

1 hour ago, Hentient said:

Me too! 

 

2 hours ago, hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

Can't wait to read your Roasts @Sorana and @Gears!

Just wait and see.

I really liked what the two of you wrote,will be hard to match that. I had two creative hours today, so hopefully I can finish tomorrow.

[Ashspren]

On 7/12/2020 at 1:00 AM, hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

@Ashspren, @Danex, @Gears, @Shard of Reading, @Kings_way, @Hentient, @Quitecontrary, @Channelknight Fadran, @Enter a username, @The truthwatcher, 

We need 1 more person or 5 more people (preferably) before the best thing going on the shard can keep going. You'd all be great! It's a ton of fun, hope you'll all sign up!

I’m so sorry, but I haven’t been active on the Shard that much recently, and I really don’t want to let anyone down. Good luck to everyone, though! And happy almost-two-year anniversary to this thread.  

[Gears]

I'm almost done with the roast. Just need one more stanza.

[Gears]

My apologies for the double post, but I finished my roast! It turns out that insulting people in meter is very difficult. Can we just have insult competitions without the necessity to rhyme in rhythm?

Spoiler

Ishi’Elin, Herald of Heralds, more like Herald of Betrayal
Left your buddy in Damnation when you decided to bail.
Oh, the pain is unbearable, the torture’s too much!
Tell that to Talenal’Elin, who really came in clutch.
Brought four thousand years of freedom from Odium’s minions
While you claimed megalomania as your natural dominion.
They call you “Bondsmith”, say you bring men together.
I call you “Oathbreaker” say your disloyalty is so much greater
You promised to serve until eternity’s end.
I guess eternity lasts until your mind’s round the bend.
You’re absolutely insane, it’s a mercy Moash killed you.
At least this way you’ll never know what Roshar’s going through.
The True Desolation, causing true decimation
All ‘cuz you couldn’t handle a bad situation.

Pattern the Cryptic, attracted to lies
Came from the Cognitive waiting to die. 
Your name is numbers, your form’s a mess
You’ve caused poor Shallan a great deal of stress.
Sure, you helped her with falsehoods and truths and some others
Yet you still helped a small child murder her mother.
One day she’ll kill you, you’re not even upset.
Not a thought for how much she’ll be filled with regret.
You represent the underlying mathematics of reality
So why can’t you give Shallan a guarantee
Of peace and joy and mental stability
Instead of fractured personas for paltry utility
And if the blood on your hands wasn’t enough of a buster
Your sense of humour is a little lacklustre.

Gaotona, Arbiter of Heritage Faction
Thought Forgery a sin before your retraction.
Soul magic’s good when it can be useful
Forgery’s great when its work proves fruitful. 
You’re a hypocrite, old man, you have fallible opinions.
Too bad you’re out of favor or you’d have more minions.
You’re a fool who doesn’t know how to play the game of politics.
You want your fake son back even as a magic trick. 
You naïve buffoon, you just can’t understand
That your friend resents you and loathes your command.
It must have hurt really storming bad when you changed in totality
From an unyielding man with a strict sense of morality
To a hypocritical dullard who  let a criminal run
And settled for a simulacrum of your surrogate son.

My name is Numukumakiaki’aialunamor
I’ll serve you up insults so good they’ll leave you craving more.
I’m the very best chef that Roshar’s ever seen.
Sure I don’t fight, but at least my hands are clean. 
You’re airsick lowlanders, each and every one of you.
Come to the mountains to duel as Unkalaki do
With mudbeer and singing and jovial laughter
Not death and destruction and chance of disaster.
My burns are the best, my rhymes are superior.
Compared to me, you are simply inferior.
If you’re not quite convinced by my personal attacks
Then open your mind for one last fact.
I’m a happy individual, to see mafah’liki I am blessed
While all of you plebs are miserable at best

 

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

Great Roast @Gears!

Your rhymes and rythym were great, and I don't know if you realized this, but I think you were way into the rhyme zone cuz

3 hours ago, Gears said:

My apologies for the double post, but I finished my roast!

Your post about your roast, though you didn't boast, had the most delightful riposte. 

I hope that doesn't make me sound like a Gameshow host...

[Gears]

1 minute ago, hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

Your post about your roast, though you didn't boast, had the most delightful riposte. 

I hope that doesn't make me sound like a Gameshow host...

Your rhymes are a delight, simply a wonderful sight, and let me assure you that you sound not nearly so trite as a game show host in the dead of night with hands of sleight and smiles so bright with contestants reaching the incredible height of the high-flying dancer known as a kite.

[DramaQueen she/he/neopronouns]

6 minutes ago, hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

Great Roast @Gears!

Your rhymes and rythym were great, and I don't know if you realized this, but I think you were way into the rhyme zone cuz

Your post about your roast, though you didn't boast, had the most delightful riposte. 

I hope that doesn't make me sound like a Gameshow host...

I enjoyed this the most, you should be known from coast to coast. I'm laughing so hard I gave up the ghost. Rhyming should last three posts, at the most, so this is the end: almost. Would you like some cinnamon toast?

Edit: ninja'd 

Edited July 14, 2020 by DramaQueen

[Gears]

1 minute ago, DramaQueen said:

I enjoyed this the most, you should be known from coast to coast. I'm laughing so hard I gave up the ghost. Rhyming should last three posts, at the most, so this is the end: almost. Would you like some cinnamon toast?

I would love such a treat, though my rhymes can't be beat, even by one who's managed this near-feat, and you are the one who I greet and offer a seat in honor of your rhymes so neat, so fast and so fleet, with a skill reminiscent of 221B Baker Street.

[DramaQueen she/he/neopronouns]

Just now, Gears said:

I would love such a treat, though my rhymes can't be beat, even by one who's managed this near-feat, and you are the one who I greet and offer a seat in honor of your rhymes so neat, so fast and so fleet, with a skill reminiscent of 221B Baker Street.

This is giving me much joy, I hope it's not a ploy. 

[Gears]

Just now, DramaQueen said:

This is giving me much joy, I hope it's not a ploy. 

A ploy it be naught, though it really be ought, as my grammar's been caught, with mistakes it is fraught, most sadly the plot has been lost to the ascot that fell in the pot of my dear friend Scott who of course is a Scot who is often sought to untie the knots of shoes tied taught.

[DramaQueen she/he/neopronouns]

4 minutes ago, Gears said:

A ploy it be naught, though it really be ought, as my grammar's been caught, with mistakes it is fraught, most sadly the plot has been lost to the ascot that fell in the pot of my dear friend Scott who of course is a Scot who is often sought to untie the knots of shoes tied taught.

You are quite good

I wish I could

Have your skill

For then I would

Rhyme day and night

Give you a fright

I'd feel alright

At least, I might.

If you could see

How unskilled I be

You might give me

All the pity

I don't want that

I like to wear a hat

And sit atop a cat

Weilding a baseball bat.

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

The thread has taken over. It's power with rhymes is too great. 

Nice roast Gears.

[Gears]

20 minutes ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

The thread has taken over. It's power with rhymes is too great. 

Nice roast Gears.

Thoust words have not rhymed. Your words were ill timed. I thank you for being kind.

[Kings_way he/they]

No more rhyming now, I mean it.

[DramaQueen she/he/neopronouns]

6 minutes ago, Kings_way said:

No more rhyming now, I mean it.

Anybody want a peanut?

[dannnex male]

1 hour ago, DramaQueen said:

Anybody want a peanut?

“I understood that reference”

[DramaQueen she/he/neopronouns]

10 minutes ago, The Second Post said:

“I understood that reference”

"INconCEIVable!"

Edited July 14, 2020 by DramaQueen

[Truthless of Shinovar he/him]

“You keep on using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.”