Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

Yay! It's back on like Donkey Kong!

Can't wait to see the new roasts!

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

@I think I am here. and @Rushu42 you have 3 more days to post your roasts unless you ask for more time. Just your friendly reminder. 

[I think I am here. he/him]

On 18/06/2020 at 4:06 AM, Ghanderflaffle said:

@I think I am here. and @Rushu42 you have 3 more days to post your roasts unless you ask for more time. Just your friendly reminder. 

Could I request an extra day? Roast is on the way!

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

@I think I am here. and @Rushu42 roasts are due! I’ll give you one spillover day because I didn’t get on yesterday. 

[I think I am here. he/him]

Spoiler

Ah, Steris, you’ve outdone yourself!

I’ve finally found somebody I hate more than myself!

You’re a chore-sore bore (just read Shadows of Self!)

While I’m a war-forged warrior who’s improving himself!

 

(Yep. I just rhymed ‘self’ 4 times)

(Hey, don’t judge, it’s a start!)

(At least it’s more thought out and developed

Than Steris’ entire character arc!)

 

But the fact of the matter is,

You’re better than me.

I’m just a simple Alethi Bridgman,

(I’m sure you’d agree)

 

You outclass me at the bank,

In social standing you outrank,

While all I do is fight,

You’re an avid socialite.

 

...

 

But at least I can say I’ve hung out with my mates.

At least I can say I’ve traveled oceans and straits,

And while your stuck at home with fancy cutlery and plates,

I’ve beaten my addiction and conquered my fate!

 

I’ve seen my dad thrown in prison, my mother crushed under rocks,

I think I can handle it when a noblewoman talks.

I’ve dealt with hundreds of arrows and fought herds of Fused,

You think I can’t deal with the barbed words you use?

 

I know you fight with your words because it’s all you’ve got,

It’s your only defence, and it’s all for naught,

Because you can’t fight the truth. Face it, you’re caught:

The original reason you were written was as a romantic subplot!

 

‘Cause while you married into riches,

I tore open my stitches.

I carried ten-ton wooden bridges,

Across rocky chasm ridges.

 

As a Survivorist you worship Kelsier.

Well, he and I’ve already greeted.

Why do you worship an idol,

Who I’ve already defeated?

 

Because I’ve seen life,

The good and the bad.

I’ve seen hundreds of corpses,

I’ve seen sane men turn mad.

I’ve seen innocents slaughtered,

In the horrors of war,

While your greatest concerns,

Are your accounting chores.

So, the next time

You call your work a ‘battle’,

Remember the women and children,

Who I’ve seen slain like cattle.

Their final words:

Simply screaming a death rattle.

While Odium claps his hands,

And the Fused all cackle.

 

So I swore my oaths, I swore Strength Before Weakness!

While you’re stuck in a cycle of bureaucratic bleakness.

And while you may be convinced of your special ‘uniqueness’.

The truth is, Steris, that you’re more two-faced than most storming Sleepless!

 

You yap about numbers and statistics,

While innocents die from ballistics,

And let me add, in addition, despite being in a privileged position,

You’ve nothing yet to fix it!

 

Nothing to fix the mountains of corpses,

Streaming from hundreds of thousands of sources.

You think they’re just a number in a booklet?

A simple statistic to be looked at?

 

They’re humans, not facts!

Not entries in a contract!

Sometimes the price of those who’ve died,

Just can’t be quantified!

 

They’re people to me,

Husbands and wives!

Not simply numbers in a book,

They’re people with lives!

 

People with hearts, and homes, and dreams!

Who never even got the chance to scream,

And yet in luxury, you feast!

A privileged position, to say the least?

 

Because Scadrial’s no safe haven,

Even now, it’s still divided.

Now the rich stay in the Basin,

While in the Roughs people still die and

While your god provides a guide,

On how to live and Survive,

On Roshar, Honour’s dead,

And you don’t see us crying!

 

No, we pick up our spears,

And we charge up our spheres!

You just wait, stuck in fear,

Until your husband appears!

 

How typically Steris,

You lighteyes never change,

From your theatrical hysterics,

And then calling us strange!

 

I’ve hurt.

I’ve pained.

I’ve cried.

I’ve changed.

I’ve collapsed in an alley, a victim of my vices,

A prisoner to firemoss and other deadly spices.

I’m nothing, I’m pathetic, I’ve seen life and death,

I’ve seen many-a-child breathe their last breath.

 

But what about you?

What have you seen?

A simple noblewoman,

With servants keeping everything clean.

With expensive ledgers and books,

With all conditions pristine.

All taken care of in that mansion,

You’re a modern-day queen!

 

What do you know of pain?

Of loss and gain?

Carrying bridges in the rain,

Fighting to stay sane?

 

I’ve had to deal with self-loathing all my life,

Had to win over myself, not grab the knife.

I’ve hauled bridges in a war zone fraught with strife,

Your greatest achievement is being Wax’s wife!

 

And one day? Your little bubble will pop,

One day, the chips will drop,

And one day, nobles will fall from the top,

And one day, I assure you, our roles will be swapped.

 

And as your forms and lists and facts decay,

And your social circles wither away,

Maybe you’ll know what’s it like to have to work for a day,

To have to haul heavy bridges for minimum pay.

 

So until then, I wish you farewell,

I’ve only got one last thing to say:

That while my fourth book’s on the way,

Yours is still delayed!

Roast  

[Rushu42 she/her]

Spoiler

My name is Steris Ladrian; at least you got that much right

But you're very misinformed about the battles that I fight

I am no "avid socialite"; I disdain nobility

But I don't run from problems, I hone my ability

Until I can match wits with any of the gentility

 

Though I have no skill in combat at least I pull my own weight

With my accurate predictions I've never once been late

I'm prepared for any situation you could dream about

And my plans are detailed and precise - of that there is no doubt.

Whereas you rely on Kaladin, a youngster and a slave

To pull you from the brink as you were marching to your grave

Without Bridge 4 you're nothing but a druggie playing soldier

Who sits and smokes his firemoss as the enemy grows bolder.

You say you've "conquered your addiction" and yet you sold your coat

Which let the enemy into your camp - and yet still you gloat.

 

You sneer at my accomplishments but I still played a part

In connecting two halves of the world, gave alliance a start.

What did you Rosharans do when encountering a new nation?

That's right; you fought and killed due to poor communication.

 

And it's true, you've been to war, but any fool can swing a stick

Keeping peace is the real challenge - try following politics.

I favor brains over brawn - if there's a problem think it through

You can't even read or write! I think some education's due.

Here's my roast. Sorry that it's so late - it took much longer than I expected. Note: it contains a few spoilers for Mistborn Era 2 and SA.

 

[I think I am here. he/him]

14 minutes ago, Rushu42 said:

You can't even read or write! I think some education's due.

*sad Teft noises*

Great roast!  

[Rushu42 she/her]

Just now, I think I am here. said:

Great roast!  

Same to you! If we're allowed to vote on our own contest, mine's probably going to yours, honestly.

[SirWolfe]

@Rushu42 @Ghanderflaffle @I think I am here.

Is there a place to vote? Because both of these are absolutely beautiful pieces of work.

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

51 minutes ago, SirWolfe said:

@Rushu42 @Ghanderflaffle @I think I am here.

Is there a place to vote? Because both of these are absolutely beautiful pieces of work.

Both roasts are fantastic! This'll be a close one! Here's the poll, good luck to both contestants! Voting will be open for one week, so next Monday the winner will be revealed.

To keep things moving, let's start the next round while the poll is going. @Lunamor as Jasnah will be representing team Roshar and @SirWolfe as Jak will represent team Scadrial. You have a week and a half unless you request more time, so roasts are due next Wednesday, which is July 1st. (Hopefully doing things this way won’t get too messy, I just wanted to try it out and see how it worked )

[+Sorana she/her]

Great job, both of you!!

That's a really, really hard decision to make...

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

I got more votes than I thought I would in such a short time, so I’m going to close the poll in about 24 hours instead. I’ll announce the winner tomorrow!

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

It was a hard vote, your roasts were both great!

I have to get some microwave popcorn for the next round, I could have set the bag of popcorn on this line and it would have popped for sure!

On 6/22/2020 at 5:03 AM, I think I am here. said:

I know you fight with your words because it’s all you’ve got,

It’s your only defence, and it’s all for naught,

Because you can’t fight the truth. Face it, you’re caught:

The original reason you were written was as a romantic subplot!

Yowch!

Or I could have popped some more on this solid burn

20 hours ago, Rushu42 said:

Without Bridge 4 you're nothing but a druggie playing soldier

Who sits and smokes his firemoss as the enemy grows bolder.

You say you've "conquered your addiction" and yet you sold your coat

Which let the enemy into your camp - and yet still you gloat.

Looking forward to the next round!

[SirWolfe]

SirWolfe Presents: A bumbling idiot trying to roast one of the most intelligent people on Roshar, written by someone with little to no experience with insulting people. With a followup by his trusty Terrisman steward Handerwym.

Warnings: Spoilers for Pits of Eltania and the Stormlight Archive.

Spoiler

*Allomancer Jak walks into the spotlight, the light glinting off of his goggles. Handerwym follows a little ways behind, carrying with him a stack of signs with a resigned expression.*

Hey there lady,

Allomancer Jak, not at your service,

In case you haven’t noticed, I have been waiting for you.

Rust and Ruin, did you get lost in Damnation?

*Handerwym, holding up a sign*: He means Shadesmar, ma’am. Also, I love your work!

You crawled out of the Cognitive with information already known,

You came back to prevent an Everstorm that had already blown,

You have a propensity, 

a proclivity,

for being delayed.

*Handerwym changes signs*: He had to use a children’s dictionary for the last bit. 

Two Kings have lost their way,

And you’ll follow in their footsteps.

That reminds me, how’s daddy dearest?

Oh, excuse me, is that a sensitive subject?

I wonder what it’s like to have a father so insane that he tried to bring about the end times.

And didn’t he lock you up in a closet or something?

*Handerwym, holding another sign*: I tried to tell him not to bring that up, but he wouldn’t listen.

I escaped and dealt with the koloss with nothing but a lick of tin,

I’ve gotten myself out of quite a few jams with nothing but my sheer charisma.

*Handerwym, with yet another sign.* I'd severely doubt the veracity of his claims.

You stay in your room, reading old books with a spren that speaks like a child.

While I go out exploring the wide world, into the uncharted wilds.

Your only friend is a spirit and and apprentice who tried to rob you,

While I’ve got my trusty companions, Handerwym and Eliza,

You have so much power, but you are still so very alone,

I got buddies to walk alongside me wherever I go.

*Jak looks over his shoulder at the Terrisman besides him.*  Handerwym, you’re up!

*SirWolfe*: Now begins a followup by Handerwym that's optional to read, but in my opinion, a better read than Jak's terrible half-roast.

Spoiler

*Handerwym awkwardly walks up to Jasnah and begins to speak*

Allow me to introduce myself, ma’am,

Handerwym’s the name,

Editor-in-chief and friend of this here sham,

And I refuse to play along in his idiotic game.

*Jak looks at the Terrisman with a hurt expression*

I really am quite sorry about my friend’s behavior,

I do hope he apologizes and that you will forgive him,

Jak’s normally not like this, I swear by the Survivor,

Though at times he really can be quite dim.

I will admit that Jak’s an absolute fool,

I mean, he barely managed to make his words rhyme.

Honestly, I don’t think he’s ever gone to school,

And I’m pretty sure that there’s nothing going on in his head half the time.

*Jak yells an angry ‘Hey!’ but Handerwym ignores him.*

I’ve read some of your work,

It’s nice to speak to another scholar,

Though to be honest from what I’ve heard,

I thought you would have been taller.

Apologies, I meant no offense,

I just meant that many texts speak of your height,

And I suppose that put anyone under the false pretense,

That you would be a veritable giant, right?

Anyways, would you mind spending some time to speak with me?

There are a couple of topics that I thought you covered brilliantly,

And both of us probably know,

That an intelligent talk with Jak’s a no-go.

Jak: *hissing* Handerwym! You’re supposed to be insulting the lady, not me!

Handerwym: *Ignores Jak*

As I was saying,

I was interested in your essay about religion,

And on the merits of praying,

I believe we could have quite the discussion.

So what do you think?

Would you like to converse,

On the mysteries of this universe?

And throw Jak, tied to a statue, into the ocean to sink?

 

Edited June 24, 2020 by SirWolfe

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

Drumroll please! The winner of the last battle is.... @I think I am here. as Teft! Well done to both of you! 

The score is now Roshar-3 Scadrial-2 

[SirWolfe]

Jak *Waving a fist*: @Lunamor Jasnah! Fight me you cowar- ouch! What was that for!

Handerwym *Throwing aside a sign with a dent in it about the size of Jak's face*: Let's not antagonize the smart lady, Jak.

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

Your roast is due today @Lunamor. 

[Lunamor she/her]

Quote

@SirWolfe, your roasts are awesome! Jasnah’s got some stiff competition 

Sorry this is so rushed, I forgot to write it until today 

Spoiler

*Jasnah calmly strides forward, needing no one to support her. No spotlight is present- her shining Radiance will do.*

 

My name is Jasnah with a Y

There isn’t much I need to say

I suspect I’ll make you cry

(You already do so anyway)

 

You are a “Gentleman”

(As are every other civilized male)

That must impress your gran!

(You’re lucky she only reads braille)

 

I’m Queen of Alethkar 

Roshar’s most powerful nation

I’m Master of Shadesmar

(A plane quite similar to Damnation)

 

You’ve got your own newspaper articles 

How quaint!

I’ve killed four men without blemishing a cuticle

Though I suppose that sight would make you faint

 

What’s that?

Your loyal steward has come to fight?

Oh wait, no, he simply wishes to call you a brat

He’s right- none can deny my might

 

You (supposedly) swam through some rapids of a river?

Sounds like a delightful outing!

I’ve been stabbed through the heart by pirates most sinister

(And I wasn’t even pouting)

 

You are quite the storyteller 

The perfect fictional bedtime story

I can make no such claim, though at least I’m a good speller

You seem to have invented new words (in the parts that are legible), and for that I am congratulatory

 

You’re a liar

None (no, not even your very own servant) can deny it

I was marked the same, attacked with satire

Yet I was the only one correct- yes, me, the heretic (of famed wit)!

 

Oh, your senses are superior

When you swallow some metal?

I’m afraid that power, when compared to mine, is inferior

I’ve got a Shardblade, Soulcasting, and can travel the Cognitive realm with my endless mettle

 

Yes, my name is Jasnah with a Y

I’ve said all that I need

Oh, did I make you cry?

You should consider yourself lucky I didn’t wish for you to bleed.

 

*Jasnah smooths her impeccable skirts and winks at Handerwym, striding away with incredibly effortless grace. A frighteningly realistic statue of Jak materializes behind her, made entirely of glimmering crystal.*

Quote

I feel bad being so mean 

 

[SirWolfe]

@Lunamor I do believe that your roast is even better.

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

Beautiful both of you! I’ll leave this poll open for two days. If Luna wins, this war is over. If Wolfe wins, we will have one more final battle. 

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

Those were both great! That was a hard vote to cast.

 @Lunamor you got Jasnah's voice perfectly, and I loved Handerwyn's cards @SirWolfe, they reminded me of Bob Dylans stack of cards in the Subterranean Homesick Blues video.

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

It came down to one vote, but the winner is: @Lunamor as Jasnah! 

Roshar wins this tournament 4 to 2. Scadrial fought well, but the Roshar team, Jasnah ( @FatherTiempo and @Lunamor), Teft ( @I think I am here.), Chiri-Chiri ( @John203), and Azure ( @Sorana) won in the end. 

I'm going to open up applications for the next tournament. We can take up to 16 people. Feel free to be whatever cosmere character you want, no teams this time around. Go ahead and mention anyone you would like to invite!

Tournament 1 Applicants (with Ghanderflaffle as overlord for the whole thing ):

Spoiler

@hoiditthroughthegrapevine as Ishi'Elin

@John203 as Talenelat'Elin

@Gears as Rock

 @Truthless of Shinovaras Waxillium Ladrain

@Lunamor as Wayne

@Sorana as Gaotona

@Matrim's Dice as Dalinar

@Kings_way as Sixth of the Dusk

@SirWolfe as Sigzil

@Toaster Retribution as Jenet

@RadiantDramaQueen as Spook 

@Hentient as Pattern

 

Edited July 12, 2020 by Ghanderflaffle

[SirWolfe]

3 minutes ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

It came down to one vote, but the winner is: @Lunamor as Jasnah! 

Roshar wins this tournament 4 to 2. Scadrial fought well, but the Roshar team, Jasnah ( @FatherTiempo and @Lunamor), Teft ( @I think I am here.), Chiri-Chiri ( @John203), and Azure ( @Sorana) won in the end. 

I'm going to open up applications for the next tournament. We can take up to 16 people. Feel free to be whatever cosmere character you want, no teams this time around. Go ahead and mention anyone you would like to invite!

Tournament 1 Applicants (with Ghanderflaffle as overlord for the whole thing ):

Woohoo! Congrats @Lunamor!

Also, @Ghanderflaffle, I wanna compete as Sigzil.

Edited July 3, 2020 by SirWolfe

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

Congratulations @Lunamor!

@Ghanderflaffle, I'd like to sign up as the God Priest Tezim, Ishi'Elin, Ishar and otherwise known as Tashi. 3 names might be enough for mere mortals, but The Herald of the Almighty probably has 6 or 7 more that we'll find out about later.

I'm just going to tag a few people who might want to throw their hats in the ring for a new roast tournament, @Toaster Retribution, @Zath, @Archer, @Paranoid King, and @Herowannabe.

Glad this is still going on, thanks Ghandreeflaffle for keeping it going.

I'm looking forward to the new round!!

[Fezzik]

Talenelat'elin for me?